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A place I can think

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Why Does My Body Hate Me?

I've always guessed that I have some food sensitivities - but, being the snack-fiend that I was, I largely ignored them and ate whatever the heck I wanted anyways. In the years before surgery, I struggled with frequent, painful edema in my hands and feet (sometimes to the point that I could barely open doorknobs, containers, etc), itchy skin after eating, weight gain, general fluid retention.... A couple of timeperiods, I became frustrated and cut out entire food groups in an attempt to find some relief: wheat, corn, dairy...these were popular.   I had really hoped that post-op, I wouldn't have to deal with these issues. After all - I was going to be eating a fraction of the amount of food that I ate before, I would have no reactions to worry about! WRONG.   I have already documented numerous places my new and total intolerance of anything vaguely dairy related. Even butter and hard cheese are consumed in small quantities at my own peril.   But what is really starting to annoy me is the exacerbation of reactions to miniscule amounts of corn and wheat. The scale says I've now lost 43lbs since surgery, which is great! But there have been days where that painful, warm edema has returned to my hands and feet, making sleeping an uncomfortable and fruitless proposition. Finally realized I was drinking a ton of Crystal Light...which uses maltodextrin, which comes from....corn. Drat. Cut out the Crystal Light, switched to tea. Better.   I'm finding that eating food out is a challenge. I had some mashed potatoes (and a smidge of gravy) from Boston Market, and puffed up like a Macy's parade balloon. Logged on to their website to peruse ingredients: Milk solids, wheat starch, corn starch.....wtf.   Got desperate for variety at one point, and had a Morningstar Farms Chik'n Patty, which at various semi-vegetarian times in my life I loved. I was able to eat all but 2 bites of the patty and felt very satisfied! ....until about 30 minutes later, when my hands started to puff up and my skin began to itch. Ingredients? Wheat gluten is pretty high on the list. Dammit.   I have no idea why my body has become MORE sensitive rather than less so since surgery. But all I can say is that I am annoyed and frustrated beyond comprehension. I feel like I'll have to become one of those neurotic people that read every package label and have no fun with life. Small favors, body....that's all I'm asking of you.
CrazyCatLady

CrazyCatLady

3
 

Toofiddy

So, it appears that my body was just waiting for some unknown signal from my ovaries that yes, my period was DONE and I was allowed to commence losing weight again. Phew.   Though, it was really bizarre to step on the scale and see a "5" in the second digit. The 250s are a historically hot-button weight for me. I always seem to hinge stuff on the 250 mark...   "I'll buy a swimsuit when I hit 250" "I'll go to the gym when I hit 250 - when I'm heavier, my knees hurt too bad and I can't exercise" .....ad nauseum   So today, I bought a swimsuit. Yes, it's a fluffy lady suit with a skirt...cause that's what I could find, dammit! But it's not bad looking, and it's a size 20, instead of the 26 I had to buy last time (and that made my boobs sag to where they were nearly parallel with my waistline, I kid you not).   Cause eventually, I have to stop being a number and start being a person, even if ignorant teenagers still "mooooo" at me ocassionally. It's all good.
CrazyCatLady

CrazyCatLady

1
 

Tired Of The Games

I realize that I am very, very depressed. I have become so deconditioned and in enough pain, that I rarely leave my house any more. A lot of that has to do with no longer being able to eat anywhere but at home.   So I started the new job this week, and Wednesday night I was supposed to orient on graveyard shift. I packed myself a couple of pieces of rolled deli turkey for food (my usual standby) and went to work.   I don't know if it was the swapping onto night shift or what, but I spent almost the entire night with either heaving or with bright yellow loose stools (again! Why can't I kick this damn stuff!) in proximity to eating the turkey.   I feel like I'm a prisoner to my body.   It's like...just when I start feeling ok (I say ok, because I haven't felt GOOD since April, before surgery.), my body says, "There you go getting all uppity...let's knock you down a peg!" I'm so sick of it.   I wish I had spent more time reading threads on complications prior to surgery. Instead, I chose to believe these people who said they were out mowing their lawns with push-mowers at 3 days post op. Hell, I've been off work for 7 weeks and I couldn't survive one shift...which was substantially less hours than what I normally worked! I feel like such a failure.   I guess what I'm struggling with is feeling like a failure. I'm an intensely private person, so I haven't shared what's going through my head with many people. But I keep getting the "just wait, it will get better" or...the thinly veiled implication that I'm doing something wrong and they don't want me crapping in their Wheaties. Well, I'm sorry to piss on your rainbow! I wish I COULD be that woman who was eating a whole Chalupa at 3 weeks post op, but I'm not. I've had to be in the hospital 3 times since surgery (albeit two of those were for IV rehydration and were ER only visits). I've had 3 separate consulting surgeons tell me that my sleeve is ridiculously tight and that I need surgical correction, or I'll end up malnourished and chronically dehydrated. I feel like this surgery was possibly the worst decision of my life...and being I've been married 3 times, that's saying a lot!   I'm just getting to the point where I don't want to talk to anyone about this at all, because I just can't take the negative right now. I don't have health insurance, so no councelling in the near future for me. I just can't wait for this all to end.
CrazyCatLady

CrazyCatLady

5
 

Things I Miss

Something that's been nagging at me since surgery....   I miss being able to chug water. Badly.   I'm almost 5 weeks out from surgery, and still can barely hit 40oz of fluid intake a day. That being said - that amount is double my intake from the week before, when I discovered how wonderful straws truly are. I thought all liquids gave me the burps; instead, I can drink pretty much everything now burp-free, provided it's through a straw.   I had pre-employment paperwork today for a new job, and while I was filling out the mountain of legal stuff, the woman casually asks for me to give a urine sample for drug tox testing....and I secretly panicked! I had been sip sip sipping along on my water all morning, but I was no where near prepared to give 50ml of urine on the spot! Heck, I'm lucky to pass 200ml total on any given day! Yes, I'm chronically dehydrated since surgery, and it sucks.   In the past, this would not have been an issue. I was notorious for being able to chug a full liter of water in under 30 seconds as a pre-op. Now it takes me the better part of 6 hours to get down one of those 16.9oz bottles. WTF. After 3 hours of drinking as much as I possibly could, I was only able to produce 20ml of urine...they sent the test bottle off anyways, but I have that sneaking suspicion that I'll be required to retest.   See, little things like this nag at me as a post-op. I was prepared to possibly not be able to eat red meat/steak again, so I spent quality pre-op time eating a TON of beef, and I was ok with that going away. I had no idea I'd end up lactose intollerant...to the point where I wake up at night, covered in sweat and dreaming of cheese, to the point where I can taste it in my mouth!!   The social aspects of food are hitting me hardest. I suppose that this is normal for everyone. I've been lucky in that I have been somewhat isolated from other people for the last month, but food advertising is everywhere, and it makes me want to strangle people. If I have to see one of those Pizza Hut ads for that damn CHEESY BITE PIZZA one more time, I swear I'll go postal!!!! Bread and cheese! I'd rather have it than sex! ....at least, I think I would. Truth be told, I'm not even sure if I would really enjoy it anymore.   And that's what it comes down to....food hold absolutely no enjoyment for me any more. I can't think of anything in my food choices that tastes GOOD right now. Some things are more tolerable than others, but there is nothing that I truly savor, and it makes me sad.   I'm sure the fact that I'm "stalled" does not help matters. I chose to consume a small amount of something I shouldn't, and gained 4 lbs of fluid overnight...which has stubbornly clung on for the last 3 days. And now I am terrified to eat pretty much anything. Worried that I went in debt and nearly died from complications...all for 42lbs of weight loss, which may or may not stay off.   Ugh, frustrated. I'm at that point where I'm not far enough to see positives (no, I haven't lost any clothing sizes or had any NSVs yet), but buried in negatives, and it's hard to see when things will improve.
CrazyCatLady

CrazyCatLady

9
 

Still Struggling

I was hoping to be singing a different tune by almost 4 months out. Monday will mark week 16 since surgery. And today, I was back in Urgent Care....again.   I still haven't been able to intake over 600cals most days, with my max protein at about 45-50gms. I have not yet found a protein shake that doesn't give me horrific and immediate diarrhea. I still have trouble staying hydrated.   I work a job that frequently requires 13 hours+ shifts, and I am getting dizzy, lightheaded, and exceptionally fatigued. Today, My muscles felt like they were going to give out - my knees kept involuntarily buckling when attempting to walk to the bathroom and kitchen. I couldn't stop the world from spinning. It sucked. So I went in...but didn't stay (though they wanted to admit me).   I am protein-calorie malnourished. My potassium is terrifically low, and I'm anemic. UC doc ordered a psych consult... I still have no health insurance (doesn't kick in for a few weeks yet), so this will be yet more bills I can't afford. I'm so frustrated.   The worst part of it is, I did it to myself.   I fear eating. I avoid it whenever possible. Yesterday, my intake was a cup of coffee (with a splash of cream), a string cheese and some iced tea. If I could never eat again, I would be happy. I go days without eating sometimes. Part of me fears that anything that passes my lips will make me hideously fat again. I feel zero hunger ever, so I have no cue to eat any more. After years of being ruled by my hunger, I am at loose ends.   I don't know what to do at this point. Maybe I'm depressed, I don't know. I have to continue soldiering on somehow, but here I am...still regretting. Unable to adapt and make it my 'new life'.
CrazyCatLady

CrazyCatLady

2
 

Still Here

Been gone for a bit. Had to take a break from online and try to live a little.   I'm still on the Coumadin for my portal vein clot, but it's become very difficult to stay thinned-out enough since I started eating more solid foods. Went in for my checkup today and had an INR of 1.1...which is BAD, as my target is 2.5 - 3.5. Also, have been feeling "off" the last few days, keep losing my voice...I have atypical bacterial pneumonia. I was sent home with a doubled dose of Coumadin, and some antibiotics for the pneumonia.   While I no longer feel in the 'pit of despair' as I used to, it feels like the last two months have just been one thing after another. Is it selfish to say that I want a break? I still wish things could go back to how they were. My weight loss is at a crawl, as my stomach has decided it doesn't want to tolerate much in the way of any type of protein now. I can eat some tofu once or twice a day, and a couple bites of chicken, and that's it. I'm chronically constipated, and milk of mag makes me slime badly.   I'm not as frustrated as I was a month ago, but am still feeling unbalanced. Just a small break, that's all I need.
CrazyCatLady

CrazyCatLady

1
 

Starting Over

I just got home from a week long stay in the hospital with complications partially relating to my gastric sleeve surgery. Emotionally and physically, this has been a trying week.   I went around and around in my head many times...would I have still developed this clot at another time at another surgery, or just this one? Am I very fortunate, or am I being taught a lesson? I came home from the hospital with more questions than answers. I have this clot inside me, mentally it feels like a ticking time bomb. Rationally I know that the Warfarin is doing it's job and that the clot was shown to be stable....but that little nagging part of me still worries.   One of the worst parts of this whole ordeal is the side effects. Because I have this large clot partially obstructing my portal vein, blood backs up behind the clot and into the areas that the portal vein normally drains. This has resulted in very substantial fluids in my abdomen and near-constant pain at my left flank area, where my spleen is under backflow pressure. Before I left the hospital, the consulting surgeon went out of his way to make sure I realized that my spleen still may die or need to be removed within the next few months, if the increased blood pressure to the spleen continues and it becomes damaged or infarcts. This would mean more surgery and hospital stays.   I have regained scale weight because of all the fluid retention, leaving my current weight at 289lbs. My surgery day weight was 296, and I was 277 on my hospital admission 04/27. This is....frustrating. It may be many months before I am able to lose all the excess abdominal fluid. Here's the awkward part - I can tell I've lost weight off my hips, as my pants fit better....except for the waistbands, which I can hardly button due to the extra fluids. My waist is currently LARGER than it was preop, I've had to return to using yoga pants. I feel like an over-full water balloon.   I want to say a word of caution - knowledge of your procedure and it's limits is going to be your most important ally should you need to be hospitalized post-op. When I was in the ER this past friday night, the ER doc wanted me to do an abdominal-pelvic CT scan with oral contrast. For those not familiar - the patients needs to consume about 12oz of contrast fluid within a certain period of time in order for the film to highlight the abdominal contents correctly. When I informed the MD that it might take me a little bit to get the contrast in, he became impatient and told the nurse "Just put an NG tube in her and push in the contrast if she won't drink it". Once again...for those not familiar: a Nasal Gastric (NG) tube is just like it sounds: A tube inserted through your nose and run down into your stomach for the purpose of inserting or draining of stomach liquids. I had to really advocate for myself - this MD was not familiar with the sleeve at all and thought I had a Lap Band and was simply refusing to drink the amount required of me. It took many stern reminders to get him to understand that I had a tiny stomach space with both sphincters intact - you can't just SHOVE fluid into it! Also, throughout my hospital stay, getting things I could consume from the kitchen was an ordeal. They would send me trays with ginger ale, coffee, cranberry cocktail with HFCS, milk....and this was after I had explicitly told the kitchen and the staff many, many times - no carbonation, no milk products (I'm lactose intolerant now), no sugar (tummy doesn't deal well with it now)....if not for my husband, there would have been problems. I sent him out daily for things that I could actually consume. Sad statement of affairs. I thought I finally got a doc to listen to me...and he switched me to a regular diet! Imagine my chagrin at the turkey sandwich, salad, baked beans and chocolate cake that were brought to me! Just 4 short weeks ago...but I digress. Be aware that medical staff is not out to harm you, they just don't know any better. You are now a sleeve ambassador!   On the bright side, I started mushies yesterday. Darling husband brought me some very pureed refried beans from the local mexican place....heavenly! I can get down a couple Tbsp, no gas or issues, seems to sit nicely. Tried some strained cheese soup today, results not nearly as good. Still touch and go.   It is frustrating to realize that Monday is my 3rd week post-op...and I'm still feeling tired and like I can't seem to fit in with the world yet. I hope this changes soon.
CrazyCatLady

CrazyCatLady

5
 

Regretting

I wish I would have thought to write on here before. It would have been nice to look back at pre-op. But what is done, is done.   I was sleeved on Monday, April 16 2012 by Dr Alberto Aceves in Mexicali MX. Surgery was uneventful. The first couple of days post op were normal - some gas, a blown peripheral IV...normal things.   I was released to home on Thursday, April 19th....I drove myself the 4+ hours back home.   Since I have been home...each day, I have felt progressively worse - physically and mentally. Today I feel like I am at my bottom.   I ache all over, from neck, through my abdomen, all the way to my hips. For the first time since surgery, I have nausea. It gets better when sitting, worse when standing and almost unstoppable when walking. My first two days home, I could walk a mile without issue (I'm a nurse - I spend my entire day walking, one mile is normally insignificant.) Today...I could barely manage to make it to the soup aisle in the supermarket and back to the car without total fatigue and agony. I have a tightness behind my sternum that never seems to go away.   To top it - my stomach feels like it is on the LEFT side of my upper abdomen, and it is freaking me out. The left side of my abdomen continues as firm and tender to palpation since surgery, with minimal reduction.   I can't tell if these things are normal, or if I am just being paranoid/psycho patient. I have been able to consume around 1 liter of fluids daily, and minimal protein. Every shake or supplement I have attempted has ended up with me curled up in bed, in agony. It feels like a lead weight in my chest and stays that way for 2 or 3 hours after consumption. I've tried watering it down, making it hot, cold, tepid...no dairy, no chocolate, unflavored...you name it.   This is the worst decision I have ever made. I don't know how I'll live through it.   Rationally, I know why I did it. I am 31, and 2 months ago I was diagnosed with Coronary Artery Disease. I am a Type 2 diabetic. I have exercise-induced asthma, I am (was) hypertensive. I had tried and failed diets for almost 15 years. I had to do something.   But right now, sitting here crying over a bottle of sugar free Propel that I just can't seem to get down...I feel lost.
CrazyCatLady

CrazyCatLady

10
 

Oh Yes, It's A Dirty Word....

I admit, I was feeling pretty good about my self and my weight loss...until I logged on to Facebook (grrrrr....I should know better!) and saw that an old coworker of mine, who is the same height I am, and started at the same weight (plus 7lbs)...had gastric sleeve surgery 4 weeks ago. And has lost **52lbs SINCE SURGERY!!!**   I almost choked on my glass of ice water. WTF!?! I had my surgery 7 weeks ago (as of tomorrow), and I've lost....38lbs since surgery. Almost twice her time, and less weight. I've lost 40lbs in two months before by low-carb dieting...so this is not an exciting moment for me.   Why is it we spend our precious time comparing ourselves to others? I was reading one of those "after your surgery" books....and came across the statement that the honeymoon period for weightloss surgery was the first 3 months....3 months?!? I'm more than halfway through that! ....there's that comparing again. Grrrrrrr.....   Sometimes, I wish I lived on an island, with no one to compare to. Even my dear, darling husband made the comment, "After my RNY, I never stalled - I just lost weight the whole way down". I wanted to crush his manbits with a sledgehammer...and I was perfectly rational at the time that I told him as much.   Yes, I had complications. Yes, I know that it affects me....but that base human part of me somehow feels inferior, simply because I can't become less-fat just as fast as someone else.   WTF.
CrazyCatLady

CrazyCatLady

3
 

I Hate Food.

Yes, I said it...I hate food. All of it.   It's 2:30p, and I haven't had anything to eat today - because the thought of putting anything in my mouth is totally repugnant. I have no interest. I tried eating a piece of chicken this morning: chewed it up and then spit it out, because I knew if I tried to swallow it, I'd gag on it.   I can't believe the change from 2 months ago, where I ate all day long. It is mindblowing.   I suppose it doesn't help that my weight loss is somewhere between a "crawl" and "non-existent" these last handful of days. Logically I know I have to eat - I just have no desire. None.   Wonder when/if this will change.
CrazyCatLady

CrazyCatLady

8
 

Experimenting...at A Month Out.

Wednesday will be the one month anniversary of being sleeved....what a wild, crazy trip it's been! As of yesterday, I am 30lbs down from the weight I was on sleeve day, which is pretty damn good given the circumstances.   I still have abdominal edema from my portal vein clot, which is making clothing an interesting proposition. I can now barely button pants I wore pre-op, but the thighs and butt are loose...it's just that pesky abdomen full of fluid! I appear to have also lost some breast tissue, which is an annoyance. I have a job interview today and tried on my normal interview dress: almost too tight in the middle, hanging odd on the top ( I don't fill it out at well!). Makes me look like pregnant potato, but it will have to suffice.   Food has been a hot topic this week. For 8 days, I hung out between 269-270lbs on the scale. Then two nights ago, we were at the movies and I broke down and tried popcorn...and found that Cthulu Jr likes it....a lot! All told I had about 1/2 a cup over a period of 2 hours. But the odd part was, in the past I would not have been discerning. I would have eaten any old kernel that ended up my hand. This time, I found myself hunting through the bag for those perfect salty, buttery, seasoned, puffy pieces - and rejecting any other imperfect tidbits. Very satisfying. Next morning I get on the scale....and bam! 266. Excellent.   Today I had one thick, perfect piece of Boars Head Mesquite Turkey Breast lunch meat....delicious. CJ found this palatable as well. Yesterday I had a single saltine cracker with my chili at lunch, and it added that crunch that I had been craving. Not the best nutritionally, but it has forstalled my decent into total insanity for yet another week.   This time last week, I remarked to my dear husband that I was afraid to try new foods. I was pretty much stuck with tuna, chili (blended), mashed potato, and refried beans. But I finally realized that I can't live like that forever and I had to move past my fear.   Relearning how to eat has been scary. I don't want to be that woman who at 6 months post-op is back to eating a ton of junk. But I am one of those people who had this surgery not so I could live my life on terrible tasting synthetic protein foods...but so I could live as a 'normal' person. So I could eat sensibly 90% of the time, but still nibble on a sliver of cake at my best friend's wedding, or have the occasional bite of a Cinnabon. Today has been the first day since April 16th that I have not regretted this surgery.   I am hoping that the days that follow are much the same.
CrazyCatLady

CrazyCatLady

5
 

Education

So, I finally was given the go-ahead for a regular exercise program, as it "appears" I am no longer at HIGH risk for throwing this blood clot I'm carrying around (I've named him Damien). Woo. So I did the responsible thing, and hired a personal trainer through my gym.   On paper, he looks great - lots of national credentials, hundreds of hours of continuing education....until our first meeting. Wow, I never have not-clicked with another professional so badly.   He seems to have no concept of the limitations of bariatric surgery patients, though he claims to have had several as his clients. When he found out that I am aiming for 70g of protein a day (and staying below 30g carbs), he blew a gasket on me, going off that I would end up in ketosis, which is "horribly harmful" for the body. Of course, I had to step in as an RN (and as a bariatric patient, sheesh!) and attempt to education this fellow about current nutritional trends, and that YES...the body CAN use protein instead of carbohydrates for glycogen conversion. He didn't like that answer. Kept stating several times that surgery was just "forced starvation" and that exercise would be "hard work" that I might not be used to. Duh. Took measurements and made little under-voiced comments the whole time. Wanted to put me on psyllium husks and a massive colon cleanse...even after I explained to him that I still have uncontrollable diarrhea 2-3x a day, more intestinal stimulation is not what I need.   Wow. I'm kinda at a loss now. I really wanted some help with an exercise program, not someone who will judge me. I judge myself enough, thank you.   I made a follow up appointment with him, after much pressure...but I'll be calling back tomorrow and cancelling it, along with asking for a refund of my remaining time (it was a package). Damn. Back to square one.
CrazyCatLady

CrazyCatLady

2
 

Doing Better

I'm working graveyard shift today, but my body doesn't want to cooperate with sleep...so here I am, awake when I should be asleep. But it's ok.   Since my breakdown on Monday, I've been making a concerted effort to really question my motivations for anything that comes in or out of my mouth. I hadn't realized it, but I have been buying into the pity that has been coming from aquaintances:   "If I could only eat a few bites, I would DIE!"   "Aren't you going to end up like Carnie Wilson? You know, she had that surgery and gained it all back."   "Wow, you're going to be so sick...I had a (insert friend or relative here) who had that surgery, and he/she was so malnourished that she had to live in the hospital for (insert long period of time), they had to feed her through a tube and he/she almost died!"   "We're all going out drinking....you coming CatLady? Oh, that's right...no fun for you anymore!"   etc, etc, etc.   I'm not sure why I took so many of these to heart, but I have. It comes down to feeling....abnormal. It's a feeling I've struggled with almost my entire life. I just want to fit in - and since surgery, it feels like I stick out even more. For some reason, I chose to remedy this in a fashion that was really no remedy at all. It just made me feel like more of a screw up.   So my goal this week has been to listen only to myself, not what I -THINK- others may think or say about me. It has been challenging, but doable. The big realization is that I *AM* normal. THIS is my new normal. and I've got to go with the flow.   Took my daughter to Panda Express (her favorite place) to celebrate the last day of school, and was perfectly content picking at 1/4 of a side's worth of Mushroom Chicken. Enjoyed talking to her and being inside in the air conditioning. And felt ok. Just have to lock this feeling away and remember it.
CrazyCatLady

CrazyCatLady

4
 

Break Down

I finally hit my breaking point.   Today was first day of orientation at new job. I'm already not happy about this - it is a pay cut ($2 an hour, but still) AND a cut in hours (32 a week...need I say more?)   Being it was corporate orientation, they ordered Pizza Hut pizza for all of us - all of THEM, I should say. So I sat and watched them eat pizza, breadsticks, soda...cinnasticks....while I ate my 2 low-fat, gluten/dairy free turkey meatballs.   At the end of the day, I had just been wrung through the wringer. Bone tired, mentally tired. I snapped.   I stopped at the store and bought 2 bags of chips - one of Cheetos Puffcorn, one of Poore Brother's Sweet Maui Onion. I opened them up and proceeded to drive from one end of town to the other, stuffing my mouth with chips.   I pulled over in a parking lot off of Grant and Alvernon to throw up. And again in the parking lot of the Pima Downtown Campus. But just kept shoving in chips.   Finally got terrible diarrhea, so pulled into In N Out off of I-10. Used bathroom, threw up again, had total liquid stool for about 10 minutes. Exited bathroom, ordered chocolate milkshake. Got back in car.   Had to roll down window and throw up down side of vehicle at 70mph cause I couldn't get off the road fast enough. Threw remaining bags of chips out the window when I hit the Eastbound Kolb Rd exit. Had another incident of gut-ripping diarrhea, but couldn't control it and ended up soiling myself...all the way down to the tan plush seats of my 2011 Camry. Had to drive the remaining 15 minutes home in crappy scrub pants, had nothing in car to clean up with or change into.   What the hell is wrong with me???
CrazyCatLady

CrazyCatLady

4
 

A Smart Girl

I finally got around to watching Star Jones' interview about her weight loss via gastric bypass and subsequent media feeding frenzy. And something she said really hit me:   "I needed to forgive myself for being such a smart girl, and so stupid when it came to something like my health." BINGO.   I am not an unintelligent person. I have academic degrees and awards, I have taught skills to others and been recognized for my aptitude. But for some reason, managing my weight always eluded me. Deep inside I felt (and still do) like a failure, because I had a good head on my shoulders, but couldn't seem to manage something as simple as the body I slogged around in. It felt like no matter how well I did in school, or work, or life...as soon as someone laid eyes on me, my qualifications were instantly invalidated by my fat flesh that screamed, "LAZY! UNEDUCATED! SLOTHFUL! GLUTTON!".   It is still odd, because I am still physically FAT, but inside, I have already begun to change...even if only in small ways. But no one can see it but me. I still wear the same clothes, and occupy (mostly) the same space.   I'm not sure how to bridge the gap between always appologizing for being below the status quo...and finally feeling that I am, truely, good enough.
CrazyCatLady

CrazyCatLady

6
 

...gaining Weight?!?

I was all prepared for a stall...but not for this.   For the last 4 days, I have consistently gained 3/4 to half a pound....EVERY STINKING DAY.   I'm not close to my period, so that's not it.   I don't have any new or unusual edema, so that's not it.   My bowels move twice every day (damn those loose stools), so that's not it.   This is driving me insane!   I am still having difficulty getting in fluids. I barely hit 40oz yesterday, and I really really had to screw with my day to get in that much. I'm back to sliming when I attempt to consume plain water, so I've been drinking water with a little lemon in it, or decaf iced tea. Ocassional Crystal Lite, but it just tastes way way too sweet these days.   Yesterday's intake: 2oz low-salt turkey breast, 1.5oz rotisserie chicken breast, 3 all-beef gluten/dairy free meatballs. That's about my capacity. I miss veggies terribly.   My blood clotting factor keeps dropping, even with the Warfarin, so the hematologist's office kicked me off my vitamins until they can stabilize how thin my blood is...since not throwing a clot is the top priority right now.   I'm just so damn frustrated right now. I mean, there should be no way that I am gaining weight on such a small amount of calories. Logically, I know there can be a myriad of reasons for scale gain...but the fact that I'm not losing many inches is just the cherry on top.   /endrant
CrazyCatLady

CrazyCatLady

1
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