When I started my WLS journey, I never expected to be a blogger. If you would have told me three months ago that I would be typing out my weight loss funny moments....and some not so funny moments, I would have told you that I thought you had lost your mind. Well, I would have been wrong. The other day I checked to see how many visits I have had and I was shocked to see that in only three months, you all have read my blog 10,000 times. DANG.....that's a lot of reading. Thank you so much for the support, and I hope I can continue to make you laugh and smile throughout our journeys together. I finally understand why Sally Fields said, "You like me. You really like me." It wasn't ego....it was pure shock.
Ok, now that I got done with all the sappy stuff. Stay tuned as I plan to write about my exploits from the past few days. I will explain that getting drunk isn't anything like it used to be....and I still have the ability to fall for no reason. Can't wait to write about my 20th H.S. reunion and let you all know how great it felt to be around the same size I was in H.S. So many stories....so little time. Stay tuned.
Two days ago I posted about my pretty light blue Shake Weight. I wanted to share a photo of that with you so you can how I could be drawn to the pretty color and the shinny ends. Yes, I still use it whenever I get a chance and i do like it. It's very addictive. Hope you enoy my new toy as much as I do..even though you aren't able to play with it. Sorry about that. I'd share if you were here.
Guess what?!!! My husband gave me my scale back. Not sure how long I have it for, but at least I have it for today. So, after doing my morning bathroom ritual, I weighed myself. I am down 2.5 pounds since my last weigh in. Talk about feeling good about what I'm doing. It was so nice to see a change after all those times I got on it with no changes. It's sad and funny how a little thing like a scale can have such a huge impact on our emotions. If it doesn't change or heaven forbid it goes up, we are worse to deal with than someone going through menopause. But, if we lose, even if it's just a little bit, we are on the the complete opposite side of the spectrum. We are the life of the party. We are handing out hats, blow horns, and pureed cake (for all the other people). How did we every get to a place where a number would have such a huge bearing on our emotions? Did it start when we were little and we looked through Seventeen, Cosmo, or any other magazine that told us what a perfect body should look like? Did it happen when we had to get weighed in middle school in front of all our class mates? We were able to see what the average weight for people in our grade was (mine was 65-70 pounds), and how off we were from it (I was 100 pounds) and yes, I was considered FAT. It could have also came when we had to do the physical fitness thing for gym. I remember having to do pull ups and not being able to even bring my body up a little. Or the sit ups. How many can you do in a minute? Apparently I couldn't do nearly as many as the thin person next to me. What the rope climb? I couldn't even get to the first knot and it was right off the ground. Then there was the mile. Most people ran it in 8-10mins. I "ran" it in 20. Only to be told how I wasn't even close to the average. Listen to me Gym Teacher. You should be happy I even ran or attempted to run. I knew I would be the last person in but I still tried. I don't need to finally get through to the finish line to be told had badly I did. Then the worst part about it all? The shower. Trying to hid in the back and keep yourself covered as long as possible. I would jump in the shower when everyone else left and hurry up and jump out and get dressed with little to no time to spare. Having all the thin girls prance around the locker room didn't help me feel better about myself nor did watching those same stick figures weigh themselves and talk about how fat they were.
It is so sad how emotionally damaged we all were about our weight and how we looked (even the thin girls). I hope when I have children that I can make them see that they are beautiful no matter what a magazine says and no matter what their friends look like. But I know that media will still make it into her head and she will fight with it like we all have/still do.
Now, my second topic of the day. Hopefully not as depressing. I want to talk about the cost of healthy food. I have spent more money in the past month (since I can't eat much) than I did prior to having this surgery. For example. I buy Lean Shakes. On sale, I spent $60 for 24 bottles. That is just crazy. I think GNC knows that we will pay it for good tasting protein. There is no way it cost that much to make and ship. But, what do I do? Do I force myself to drink soemthing I hate with much less protein in it? No, I continue to drink these overpriced high protein shakes. I am praying that once it's no longer the "new thing" that the cost will go down dramatically. Then there is the cost of tuna fish. When did all white tuna begin to cost an arm and a leg? At my favorite store (please hear the sarcasm dripping from my lips) Walmart, I paid $1.85 a can. I swear I am buying caviar not tuna fish. There is no need for my tuna to cost almost $2.00 a can. I remember when I could get the same thing for .25 a can at the local grocery store. What happened to those days. And, for the record I am in my 30's so it wasn't that long ago. Next is fruits and veggies. Why do apples cost .99 a pound? I can't remember the cost of my spinach, but I do know it was high. My frozen blueberries were 11.50 for a large bag. Lima beans are $2 for a small frozen bag. Then, add in the fiber I have to take since this surgery, the vitamins, the calcium, and the B12 and I swear, my wallet and bank account are shrinking much faster than my waist is. No wonder the U.S is so fat. It cost less to go buy a double cheeseburger and fries from McDonald's than it does to buy a salad from Salad Works (or McDonald's for that matter......but we all know that the the McDonald's salad usually has just as much fat and sodium in it as the double cheeseburger). This is just ridiculous if you ask me. Fresh food should not be more expensive than processed food. Going through a drive through should not save me more money than going to the grocery store and stocking up on veggies and fruits and fresh meats. No wonder we all ended up where we did. Everyone wants to save money. No one wants to pay out more for food that may go bad faster than anything in a box or bag. I for one didn't like that idea and because of that, I would go for the cheaper, faster food.
Ok, I am done with my venting (some may call it something else ) I am sure I am not the only person who has noticed the cost of things or the need for the scale to give us the approval we never got from other people. I know I can't change any of it, but at least I can get my opinion out there and maybe if you agree, you can get your opinions out there too...and so on. Maybe one day, our children will not need to feel the need to starve themselves, or over eat in an attempt to feel some sort of relief from the social and media bombardment they experience. Woman have curves!!! We have boobs and hips. We have butts. And if you ask me, I think having all those things makes me beautiful. I have no desire to loose so much that I no longer look like a woman. I already miss the boobs and butt I've lost, but not as much as my husband.
I never thought I was an emotional eater. Most times when I am really upset about something, I am not hungry at all. I remember one time when my now husband and I broke up. We were engaged at the time and I refuses to give him my ring when I walked out the door. I ended up going to the beach. It's the one place I can always feel better and make sense of what I am feeling. Those three days, I think i ate 1/2 of a turkey club sandwich. Nothing else. No chips, no sweets, nothing. I lost 15lbs in 4 days. The good thing was that if we stayed broken up, I would have slimmed down A LOT and maybe found a new man pretty quickly. (my husband isn't very happy that I wrote that last part). LOL
I tell you all this to explain today. Today I received some bad news. Nothing major. No one died or anything. It was news that I knew caused my mother to be very upset and though it upset me, I was more upset that my mother cried. No one likes to see their mother cry. So, with it being lunch time, I looked around for what I was going to have for lunch. Nothing looked good to me. The thought of eating made my stomach turn....until I thought of carrot cake. If you have been reading my blog, you know my love (almost obsession) with carrot cake. I thought, "YUMMM carrot cake sure sounds good. I bet I could eat a whole slice." WHAT? Where did that thought come from? I haven't really wanted anything sweet since surgery so why was carrot cake on my mind now? I sat for a moment thinking about this and then had my "light bulb" moment. Sugar makes everything better.
If I look back at my childhood, sugar played a huge part of making me feel better or was given as a reward. If I had a sore throat, after the doctor's visit, my mother would take me to McDonald's for an ice cream or milk shake. If I ate everything on my plate, I got desert. If I finished my chores, I got a cookie with chocolate milk. Now, I don't think my mother was trying to get me to associate food with good feelings. I think she just thought she was being nice. It wasn't always bad things. There were times I got an apple, an orange, or some grapes. But to me, the best memories were from the special sugary treats.
So, as I sat there coming to the realization that food was a reward to me most of the time, I decided that food will no longer play that roll. Food is something to give me energy. It helps my body do what it needs to. It can taste good and be enjoyable but it is not something I get to feel better or to reward myself with. I am thinking clothes would be a good thing to replace food...but that could be VERY expensive. Let's be honest, a milky way is much cheaper than a pair of shorts or a shirt. So, for now my reward is the scale going down. Knowing if I eat to make myself feel better or to reward myself will be sabotage and I refuse to have gone through all this for nothing. So, the candy bars, ice cream, and all the sugary things can remain on the store shelf. How did I deal with it today? I had a Lean Shake. 25 grams of protein, and I'm full. Not as tasty, but much better for me.
Yesterday evening my college friend, Nicole, and her daughter, Bella, arrived at my home for a a little vacation. They are home from Costa Rica and seeing them is always great. I love catching up with Nicole and seeing how much Bella, has grown and matured. But, I have to admit, I was worried about their visit this time. Not because I didn't want them here. I was concerned becasue I didn't know how my new eating behaviors would effect things. Would they think I was strange eating chicken ALL THE TIME? Would I seem crazy when I measured and weighed EVERYTHING out before I ate and then wrote it all down? Most importantly, I was worried about wanting things I shouldn't eat.
Friends and food seem to go together. Think about all the great heart to hearts you've had over coffee or tee (or any other drink) and finger foods or sweets? Could catching up cause me to "drop the ball"? I was even more concerned becasue I knew I would have foods in the house that I haven't had in here for awhile. I brought cookies, chips, and other goodies for them as I knew they can't get some of those things down there and would enjoy them. Buying them didn't tempt me. They sat on the counter for days and I never even really looked at them. However, I knew the real test would come when they got here.
Well, they are here. I have maintained my normal food consumption. I haven't even thought about eating during our heart to hearts. Lucky for me she is a great friend and understands what is happening and takes it in stride. She knows not to feel bad for eating things in front of me (another thing I was worried about) and both she and her daughter seem to enjoy the goodies I bought them. They even bought themselves some different ones. All I can think is how much had changed in six...wait SEVEN weeks.
Prior to surgery, I would have been nibbling on it all and not even realizing how much I had taken in. Now, I just look at it and think that if I really want it, I can have a little bit of it but I don't want it. I have found that if I have anything really sugary, the next day it's all I want. I don't like having that feeling, so I try to stay away from sugar as much as possible. I do make some sweet roasted chic peas with splenda brown sugar that are AMAZING. but my old "go to" foods are no longer a want or a need. I can't believe how much has changed in a short time. It seems unreal to me. If I would have just tried to diet and exercise (like I've tried a million times in the past), I would be craving those things and would have totally cheated on my diet by now. I used to hate hearing people say this, but it really is a total lifestyle change. I can't believe I just wrote that....I refuse to be one of those people that say that to everyone. They annoy me and I don't want to be any more annoying than I already am.
So, I will continue to enjoy my friend and her child. We are moving a lot everyday so I am getting my exercise in. Apparently kids make you move!!! I don't have any, so from not having one to having a six year old in the home is a shock to my system (in a good way). I am sure that by the time I get used to having the little one here they will leave and then I won't know what to do with myself. The good thing is knowing they will be back in late June or early July so we can do it all again. It's nice to be able to not associate food with great friends and heart to hearts. Now I can pay attention to what she says instead of wondering who ate my last Oreo from my plate? I know we have gremlins that sneak out and take them as there is no way I ate all those cookies that fast. Now, there are no cookies, just great memories being made and that's something I am really enjoying.
