My body is going crazy. it can't make up it's mind about what size it wants to be. Only two days ago, I was 10lbs lighter....yes, 10lbs. Now, I know this all water weight but it still sucks. I thought maybe I over ate too much during my BPDs (big pouch days) the past two days, but according to myfitnesspal.com, I didn't go that overboard. So, that means one of two things. I am getting more lean muscle or I am getting ready have a visit from Aunt Flow. Either way, I am fine with it. I am just getting frustrated with staying over 200lbs. My goal was to be at least 199 by Christmas, and I really don't see that happening.
I hate to admit that I concern myself about the numbers on the scale, but I do. The sane person in me can see I'm losing inches and that all of my clothes are way to big for me. I am seeing bones I never knew I could show and I'm excited to say that out of all the chins I've had in the past, I like this single one the most. BUT....there is always a BUT.....I want the scale to go down regularly (or at least stay on the same number). Nope, that's not me. My scale jumps around more than a child skipping rope. It's always between 5-10lbs, but still, no one wants to get to a number only to weigh themselves a few days later and see that that number has jumped up in a attempt to do a slam dunk for the winning points of a playoff game.
I know not to let this get me down, but it still does. Even though my food intake doesn't change much from day to day, I start thinking, "what can I eat less of today?" Why can't I just look at myself and say, "Look how far you've come" ? Are we so mentally damaged form years of being overweight that we can't see the positives of how much we've lost already? Again, I KNOW my thoughts are not helping me but I can't help but think them. You know the ones, "I am going to fail at this." "I suck", "I'm still just a fat girl with no control".....there are so many more that I would take up this whole site but I refuse to allow them to take over completely. Instead, I am going to ban the scale for a couple of weeks. That's right, I am going to say so long to something so small making me feel so bad.
I've put a lot of thought in this and I am starting to think that the scale is my new drug of choice. Food used to do it for me, but not anymore. Now, I go to the scale to feel better even though sometimes it makes me feel worse. Think about it, we go from eating to feel good...then feeling really bad about what we ate to going to the scale to feel better. If the scale doesn't make us feel the way we want, we start getting down on ourselves. We start self doubting and trying to justify our actions or lack of them. We come up with excuses (my period is starting, It's water weight) and to be honest, these are probably right. However, none of this helps up feel better except seeing those numbers continuing to go down.
So I say farewell to the scale and the ups and downs it's given me (both physically and emotionality). My plan is to hand it over to my husband for two weeks and then check my weight again at that time. Then, if it hasn't changed then I know it's me and I have to make some changes....if it goes down, then maybe my love of the scale will come back....I hope not....it's worse than a bad relationship....nice to you one day and a pain in the but the next....and that's not something I look for in any relationship especially one I can't have an argument with.
Post coming soon....sorry for the tease.....but lets be honest, it's always better with some build up. I just need to read it when I am not half asleep. I want you all to get a good laugh. So until tomorrow.....
After posting my blog about my toe, I decided that it would be a great idea to post a photo of my husband's handywork. This is why I like him taking care of my wounds. He seems to know how to make them look all pretty. Sorry you have to see my feet and my really small little toe nails. Also, sorry for the bad polish removal. Ok, I think I am done with my sorrys for the day.
I find it interesting how different my body is in only four months....almost to the day. Now, I know I've lost A LOT of weight. I am smart enough to know that with the amount of weight I have lost I will see changes in my body. However, there are times I look at myself in the mirror, shower, get dressed, or just touch my arm that I think, "Who is this person, and why am I touching her body?"
Let me explain. Last night I was showering. As I was washing my body, I swear it felt like a different person was in the shower and I was in her head. I didn't feel like "ME"...well the really fat 330lb me. I then tried on clothes I bought before surgery that were WAY to tight on me. Both things are now big on me. The shirt is less big, but I remember when I tried them on and laughed at the fact they didn't fit. The thought that they would ever fit seemed so far fetched to me. Again, I knew I would loss weight....I just wasn't ready for the psychological changes that would have to come with the weight loss.
I still wear clothes that are baggy. When I do wear clothes that fit properly, I am so self conscience at first and it takes me hearing from many people that I look fine before I can actually leave the house. I have actually begun to get a little perturbed that my new favorite lounge around shirts are getting way to big for me. I've only had them for a month and a half and I thought they would at least fit until October. To be honest, I would be happy to have them for years and years due to how comfy they are.
Now with that all said, I love seeing my body change and shape into the person I always felt like under all the extra weight. I never thought I was depressed but now that I've lost weight, I can say that I wasn't as happy as I could have been. I am so much happier now. I love seeing men take a double take or have them smile and flirt. That hasn't happened in years. Now before people start going off about how I'm married and I shouldn't look for that....relax. First, I love my husband with all my heart. Second, everyone flirts and everyone likes to be admired. If you say you don't...you're full of crap. And trust me, if you read my blog from a few days I go, you will know that being full of crap can be very painful!!!!
The good thing is that even though the scale is moving at a snails pace these past five weeks....my body is still surprising me. I can't wait to see what it looks like around Christmas time. To be honest, I am REALLY looking forward to the day I see my parents out and about and they don't recognize me. This happens to my sister ALL THE TIME. For those of you who don't know, my sister had by-pass surgery around three or four years ago. There are sometimes I go to her house and am still in shock that the little tiny person I am talking to is her...hopefully one day I will get the same response. But for now, I am going to keep being surprised in the shower....maybe I should have said in the mirror...the other one sounds really, really bad.
I remember watching movies and wondering how it was possible that every woman who ever took a bath or shower was able to wrap a towel around their body with no issue. Now, to most normal sized people, this probably didn't even cross their minds but to a person who has been over 200lbs for more of her life than not, it was something I thought could only happen to size zero women. And to be honest, I hated them for that. It always looked so neat. Just grab a towel, wrap and tuck near the boobs. It stayed in place and they all looked very sexy in it. However, in one bathroom in Delaware (probably more but I'm just talking about mine) that was a dream that I thought would never be.
My mother even went as far to get me the "bath sheets". It's a nice way of saying a REALLY BIG towel for fat people. Because let's be honest, what thin person would want all that towel to have wrap around them. It was be like they were rolling up in a flour tortilla to become a some fat giant's burrito. Well, they worked. They just didn't work that well. I had to figt to get them to stay in place and the idea of feeling sexy....well that NEVER once crossed my mind.
It's funny how a towel can have such a negative psychological affect on a person. Going to a hotel or even a friends home ofr a few days was traumatic. i learned to bring my own towel. I said it was just my"thing" and that seemed to take the sting away from having a guest pull out their own towels. But in reality it was becasue I knew that if I had to try to dry myself with the one they gave me I would be in there for days. One leg would have had the thing dripping wet so how was I supposed to get the rest of my body dry? It was even worse if said hotel or friend gave me a thin cheap towel. That could only dry my hand...if that. Then to make it even worse, I would get scratch marks on my body from the sand paper like "towel" they gave me.
I have come to an opinion. If you are someplace with towels that are way too short, not thick, and feel like sandpaper that you are at one of two places. 1) A very cheap hotel. This happens. Not everyone has the money for the Hilton (though they have small towels too...but they are soft and can take a lot of water) or 2) your "friend" REALLY doesn't like you that much. Think about this. If you have company over, don't you make sure you give them the best of everything....including your towels? I know I do. I would rather scratch myself all up than have my guest feel like I handed them sandpaper as a drying device.
Now, I told you all that to tell you this. I can now get out of the shower and wrap my towel around me and tuck it. I can feel sexy and be dry. I am still using bigger towels, but now they are WAY to big and are beginning to fall off when I walk. Mostly becasue of all the extra "flour tortilla" I have wrapped around me. I did try to put on a regular towel but I'm not there yet.....so close....but not quite there. But, if I continue to do my program, I will be there and despite what it says in "The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy", I won't always have to carry a towel with me!!!!
The Big Burrito
The Goal..."Soft Shell Taco"
