NOTE: If Sex is a four letter word to you and you are not comfortable talking openly about it, I recommend that you stop reading right now!!!! ................Go on, I'll wait for you to leave................If you're still here, please be advised that the following blog will be talking openly about sex, sexual positions, feelings during sex, and different forms of sex (meaning oral/regular). If that sentence scared you and you feel that this may be too blunt of a topic, please leave now or forever hold your piece (pun intended) LOL. I do not want to read anything telling me that this topic isn't appropriate. Almost everyone has sex and when you lose weight, the experience changes. That's what I'm talking about today. Nothing more, nothing less. Oh, there may be some humor thrown in for good measure.
Ok, whom ever is still with me, I thank you for understanding that many things change after weight loss surgery/ And yes, sex is one of those things. How do I know this you may ask? Well, it took a while for me to get all my hormones in check and allow my loving husband to "take charge". Once I was able to do that, not only did I get what I've been wanting for for awhile (three months to be exact), but I have to admit that it was AMAZING. With all the extra hormones in your blood after surgery, the sex is more intense. It's what I would imagine being on ecstasy and doing it would feel like. I am sure anyone who has ever done EX is going, "ummmmm....no, not even close", but since I don't really know, it's what I imagine it being like. The feeling of a touch, kiss, lick and yes, penetration is so much more intense. And for the record...I LIKE IT A LOT!!!
So, my husband and I did the dirty today.....banged....got it on...he "hit" that...and any other way you want to say it. I was wondering how different it would feel after an 80lb weight loss. I knew with my thinner body, things would be different, but I didn't expect how different it would be in only two months. First, the ability to be on top and not feel as though I was going to cause his lungs to stop working or his blood to not get to his legs was nice. The better part was that being thinner, my legs wrapped around him much better and I had better movement during the act. In case you're wondering why I'm kind of speaking in code, it's becasue I am not sure just how blunt I can be. What I am saying is that my thinner legs and butt allowed for deeper penetration and becasue of the weight loss, I was able to move more than I have in the past five years. It was also much more enjoyable for him. Having less weight on him made it much more comfortable and he was able to enjoy the act even more than before. Also, when spreading my legs, my thighs didn't peel apart and only allow a small space for him to do what ever he wanted to do. What did happen was that I was able welcome him in with open legs and much smaller thighs. I also didn't feel as though I was smothering him with my thighs while he was ....well, you know. There was no peeling of any kind. Ok, that sounds so gross, but I always said I would be honest about weight loss and we all know that our thighs become very close when we are bigger. Sometimes I've wondered if I could ever get them to separate. Even when I walked they just stayed together or rub one another (sometimes they rubbed each other too much). So, if that visual offended anyone, I am sorry...I am just trying to keep this blog honest.
Now, back to the sex talk. I was shocked at the changes with sex so soon. Besides the great orgasms...yes there was more than one.....thank you hormones!!!! (and husband) I felt more comfortable with myself and my body and therefore I was able to be closer with my husband during the act. I don't mean that becasue my stomach was smaller, there was less fat between us (though true). I mean that becasue I felt good about myself and my body that I was able to enjoy the intimacy with him while having sex. Even afterwards, I allowed the intimacy to continue. I wasn't trying to cover up or get dressed afterwards. I laid in his arms and enjoyed our time together.
Now, I know I have a lot more weight to lose, but right now I am so happy with the way I look and feel that I can't imagine it getting any better. With that being said, I can't wait until I am half the size I am now. When I have sex then, it will be COMPLETELY different...and I can't wait. I joke with my husband that every time we're together he get's a "new" woman but I get the same man. His response? "I don't want a new woman. I just want you...in any shape or size that may be." Yes, that's why I love him...and how he manages to get me into bed whenever he wants. Now, I just have to figure out how to get him into bed whenever I want and we will be even.
Post coming soon....sorry for the tease.....but lets be honest, it's always better with some build up. I just need to read it when I am not half asleep. I want you all to get a good laugh. So until tomorrow.....
As always, this is a comic view of weight loss. Please enjoy the read and understand that it's here to make you laugh....and let me vent.
First, I hope you all had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend. There is nothing better than getting together with family and friends and enjoying the unofficial start of summer with the people you care about. That is exactly what I did. And, to make it even more special we celebrated my oldest niece graduating from High School. As we always do on Memorial day, we had a BBQ. The menu consisted of grilled Hotdogs, Hamburgers, corn on the cob, mac and cheese, bake beans and due to the celebration, cake and ice-cream. All yummy food and great conversation to go along with it.
Now, I remember eating a hamburger, a huge helping of mac and cheese, and two or three ears of corn. Sometimes I would even have a hot dog to top it off. Then about an hour latter, I would finish it with some type of desert. I was the garbage disposal of the family dinner. Nothing needed to go to waste as I would make sure it found a home in my tummy. I remember eating until I couldn't move. It was enjoyable. The food was so good and I loved sitting around with my family talking about old times and recent going-ons. So it was interesting for me to look at my plate this time around. I had a half of the smallest burger not the biggest one on the plate like last year. I broke an ear of corn and ate it with a little butter. I didn't eat three ears with tons of butter and still want some more because it was sooooo good. No, this time, I couldn't even finish the part of the ear I got. I put a spoon full of mac and cheese on my plate and ate one noodle of it. I looked at the food left on my plate and though I felt good about myself, I felt horrible that I took more than I could eat. This is something I need to work on. I shouldn't feel bad that I didn't inhale every last morsel on my plate. It doesn't make me a horrible person. No matter what I was told as a child, it's ok to not finish everything. It's because I finished everything that I am in the situation I am in now. So, I now make a vow. I will no longer feel bad for leaving food on a plate. In fact, I will take that as a win for me in my new and improved healthy life.
Then the biggest temptation happened. It was cake and ice cream time. I decided to have a very little bit. I was one of the last people to get my plate unlike years before where I would be the first in line and hope for a corner piece so I could have all that icing. Nope, this time I cut a VERY tiny piece of cake and I took not even a tablespoon on ice cream to go with it. Then a funny thing happened. I took my first tiny bite. It was good. It wasn't as good as I thought it would be considering it was the first really surgery thing I've had since two weeks before my surgery (so 8-9 weeks ago). I took a second tiny bite. I looked around at the people who had heaping bowls of cake and ice cream and didn't feel left out. I didn't want any more than what I had. In fact, I didn't even finish it. If you would have told me a year ago that I would not finish my cake, I would have told you that you were crazy. Oh how wrong I would have been. In fact, I am in such a different place now that I can honestly see where my problems with food were and what I did that caused me to get so overweight. Well, no more. I refuse to go back. I enjoy my trip down on the scale. I look in the mirror and I see the person I remember. At my heaviest, I would look in the mirror and not recognize myself. I never want to feel that way ago. So, from now on, Let Them Eat Cake. They can eat it up and enjoy it. I think I'll just sit back and watch and think about how the scale will thank me for not joining the crowd. Now, if it was carrot cake, I can't say I will be so strong. But, that's another blog post....and I am sure I will be tempted with it sometime soon. I can't wait to see what happens.
I was in the process of writing this very depressing blog about my chronic back pain when I had to use the bathroom. I decided when I was done that I should weigh myself as I haven't done that in awhile. Now before I go on, you have to understand that the past month has been nothing but pain filled. My meds have not helped me and I have not been able to go for normal walks...who am I kidding, i haven't really walked at all. Walking from the bedroom to the living room can almost bring me to tears (and I don't cry from pain). Dealing with this pain can bring even the strongest person down. I know, I've been dealing with it for almost 18 years. Now, I don't tell you that to get your sympathy. I tell you to get you to understand that getting on the scale was the best thing I could have done for my emotional well being today.
Today, the scale said 240.2. That is fifty nine pounds down in nine weeks. I had to take a second look. I remember getting on the scale nine months ago and seeing it up to 330 (my heaviest). Seeing that scale today, and the amount I have lost, is exactly what I needed to make me feel a little better. I am not saying that the numbers took away my pain. Trust me, it did not. But it did help with my mood. I walked out of the bathroom, sat back down at the computer with the heating pad on full blast for my back and erased my depression felt blog post about my pain and not being able to work out. I have since written this. A much more up beat blog post about losing the weight I have struggled with for years and years. It's funny how seeing a few pounds leave can be so inspirational.
Now, I have no funny things to add. No real words of inspiration. To be honest, the pain is still making it difficult to sit here and type. What I will say is this. I am pretty sure my day will be much better now that I decided to get on the scale today (first time in over a week). I have no idea when I could have ever said those words and truly meant them. For years, the scale is what caused my days to be worse. Not anymore. Getting sleeved is the best decision I've ever made!
I am not going to make any comments....though I have a few. Just a little back story. This was taken in my home town, by me. I was at the bank and looked over and saw it. couldn't believe my eyes. What are your thoughts? Am I the only one that thinks there is something REALLY wrong with this?
same photo....in case you can't see the smaller one:
Last Thursday I was supposed to start a water aerobics class. With that said, my feet haven't felt the warm water of the local Boys and Girls pool yet. Why you may ask? Is it becasue I'm lazy? Is it becasue i just don't want to? The answer to those questions is, "NO!!!". If I had the body of a "normal" 38 year old, I would have been in that pool kicking and jogging with the best of them. The problem is, I don't. I have a back like a 90 year old woman.
Now, before I really get started, this post is going to be a little bit of "OH, poor me" and "How unfair is this?" But, on the same note, I'm more venting than complaining....though they can sound very much the same. I need to say that I try really hard to be a positive person. I have been dealing with back pain that can make just getting out of bed feel like an Olympic event. But, I truly believe that ______ (fill in the higher being of your choice) doesn't give me more than I can handle. Even on days like today when I feel like there are three little men in my back doing construction and at the same time I feel as though I am giving birth out of my back. Yes, this is ON medication. People who don't deal with chronic pain can't understand the thought process that goes on when dealing with it. I'm a strong woman, and I fight through so much of the pain but believe it or not, the meds only help lessen it, not get rid of it. The scary thing is I know that one thing many people don't think about. I know the pain can get worse. Therefore, I have to be happy that I'm not at that point.
I think my frustration with my back pain comes from a few places. 1. The weather is changing. When the weather gets colder, the pain gets worse. Also, I had a pool only a block away that I cold go to and do whatever activities I could. Now, I have to drive someplace and be there at a certain time and hope my back is cooperating with me on that day. 2. I have been going up and down within five pounds for a month now. I know I've eaten things I shouldn't, but there have only been a handful of times I have gone over my allotted calories for the day and when I did, it was no more than 100 calories. So, the fact that I'm on a HUGE stall (I've been the same weight (give or take) for two months. It sucks becasue I see other people who are five to six months out and they have lost so much more than I have. I KNOW, I KNOW....everyone losses at different rates. That's all fine and good unless you're the one who's not losing.
Now that I've complained....wait, I mean vented. I will say that I've learned a few things in the past month and a half. First, Nutella is NOT MY FRIEND. I am not sure why I love it now. I hated before surgery. Second, I think I am one of those people who can not lose weight unless I'm active. This goes back to what my mother always said, "You were a thin child until you went to school and had to sit still all day." The issue with this is that I can't move much everyday. Even on the good days I have to fight tears and my negative thoughts to get through any activity.
So, with my new awareness, I plan to take one day at a time. I plan to not work out when my body won't let me. I plan to not eat Nutella...well at least not during the NON-PMS times. I plan to try to not get on the scale every day. That just makes me feel worse. And last but not not least, I plan to be happy with who I am. I am a size 16/18 and I haven't been that size since H.S. I should be so happy that I'm bouncing off the walls. Of course, that may just hurt my back a little more....so, I think I'll stick to doing what I'm doing and only doing what I can. That's all we can do. I remember after surgery thinking that walking a mile would be an unattainable task. Now, on a good day, I can walk three. That's what keeps me going. Knowing that my body, no matter how broken it is, can still persevere. Now, if only it will persevere and lose another fifty pounds all would be good.
I haven't been feeling very well for about two weeks. The pain has been on my left side, under my rib cage, almost center. The pain was also in my back around my kidney area. The pain would come in waves and cause me to curl up wishing for it to be over. Now, for the record, I am not a wimp. I don't cry over pain. But last night, I cried like a big fat sissy. The pain got to the point that I ended up in the ER.
Now, I should have known this wasn't going to be a good night when EVERYONE at the hospital I told about my sleeve responded with the question "was the by-pass or the lap-band." Even the doctor had no idea what I was talking about. Then, to make matters worse, the doctor never once touched my stomach. He shot me up with pain meds...which I didn't mind at all considering how much pain I was in...and then sent me for a CT scan and an ultrasound.
Needless to say, in 30mins they tell me I'm constipated. WHAT? I just paid that amount of money to find out I'm full of crap? When i asked about the pain the doctor responded, "well, that's where the poop is." WHAT??? Are you kidding me?
Now, for the record, I drink all day long. Not the good, get you feeling all warm inside, make a fool out of yourself drinking...just normal crystal lite. How can I be backed up? Is fiber really THAT important? I will be honest, with the little I eat, I don't' know how I could ever get any fiber in me. My husband and I even thought about if I ate anything that would cause this. Actually, I ate really well. A lot of crab and shrimp, egg, and even a protein shakes. To be honest, I thought I was eating better than I have been in five months.
Needless to say, they discharge me with a bottle of fizzy stuff that is supposed to loosen it all up. WHAT PART OF I HAVE A SLEEVE DO YOU NOT GET???? (what I wanted to yell at the medically trained idiot. Instead, I put the bottle in my purse, came home, got my fiber mixture out and my stool softener and took them. So far, nothing exciting has happened. Hopefully by tomorrow it will all work it's way out. Then, if I am still in pain, I will know it's way more than crap. But for now, it's official...I'm truly full of sh#$!!!
Warning* This is not very comical. I think my hunger pains have taken over my sense of humor right now*
I ate dinner at at a normal time. I believe it was around 6pm. Since then, I have kept hydrated with my decaf. Crystal Lite. But, it never fails. Every night around 9pm, I want food. I have thought about this and wondered if it's "head hunger" or if I am truly hungry and I've finally figured out that YES, I am hungry. This is real hunger. This is the hunger that most people feel throughout the day but for some reason I don't feel until 9pm or later. Is my body trying to sabotage me? Why do I want food so late? Don't get me wrong, I also experience "head Hunger" but tonight (and most nights, that's not what I feel).
Tonight, my husband and I went to Royal Farms so he could get some food. I have to admit, because it was after 9, I wanted to taste everything in there. This has not been normal for me when I go into stores. Most of the time, I look at things and think, "that would taste good, but I really don't want it". He decided on a two piece chicken meal. Now, for the record, I love chicken. I can eat chicken everyday. Actually, I have eaten it everyday for the past few days. But for some reason, I had to walk away from the where he was ordering as all I could think about was jumping behind the counter and grabbing a chicken wing or leg and going to town with it. The same thing with the Krispy Kream donuts. Now, once I walked away, I was fine (though still hungry) I know I can't eat any of those things and to be honest, my mashed sweet potatoes sound more appealing to me now.
I think it's knowing I can't. I've never been good with being told I couldn't do something. If someone told me I couldn't do something, I would do everything in my power to prove them wrong. But with this, I can't do that. Proving "that person" wrong would only hurt me. I would also be saying that I did all this for nothing. And, I must admit that my biggest fear is being one of those people who in two years is the same weight or more than I was on my surgery date. That REALLY scares me. It scares me enough to not force the food in, to make sure I get my protein, and to make sure I get my liquids. Also, it scares me enough to teach myself how to deal with this "hunger" I feel after 9pm. Maybe I will need to eat dinner later. I am a night person so eating at 7pm would help with the hunger a little bit. As for the "head hunger" that I get at times, I think I have to just keep doing what I'm doing. Walk away. Tell myself what's important. No matter how good a tiny piece of donut would be, it wouldn't feel nearly as good as weighing 150lbs. I don't think anything could top that. Well, maybe winning the lotto, but I have a much better shot at making my goal weight.
So, I need to change my eating times. Or eat more than three times a day. Though, right now that seems to be all I am able to get in. I think I will strive to eat more than three times a day. I am sure once I am healed and able to "snack", things will be better. I am sure right now, a hand full of almonds would fill me up and satisfy my hunger, but I am not to that point yet. So, like all of you, I will continue to learn as I go and hope I am doing the right things. Because, no matter what, I'm going to be a loser. And, I am going to be proud of it.
The past month has been really bad for me. I've been in severe pain with my back and have not been able to walk or do any water workouts. Then, to make it even worse, I've been cheating. I have been eating candy...good, yummy, chocolatey candy. At first I blamed it on my period, but unless my PMS and period are a month long thing now, that can't be the reason. Then, I really started to think about why I would be eating so badly. Then it hit me. I eat out of boredom. To make it worse, I graze all day long and not on good things. I graze on chocolate and nuts.
Now, prior to surgery I was not a huge chocolate fan. I could live with out it, even during those monthly visits that we woman get. I was always a straight candy type of girl. I liked the surgery sticky candy the best. Mary Janes, Laffy Taffy....that was my weakness. Not any more. Now I'm a chocolate girl. Even though it makes my acid reflux horrible, I have been on a huge chocolate kick and it finally stopped TODAY.
I had to take a really good look at what was going on and why I was eating the way I was. After breaking it all down and analyzing the data, I can see that I eat or graze out of boredom. I also found that I am bored a lot. You have to understand, I am a worker. I love to work and I'm good at my chosen field. However, due to my back, I haven't been working for the past year and a half. The past month, my pain has been so bad that I can't even do things around my house. Because of that, I watch a lot of T.V. and pace a lot. Both are a set up for grazing. Now, becasue I can't fix my back, and I can't work, I have to figure out how not to allow boredom to take over and lead me to the kitchen. The first thing I figured out was that I have to use my Fitnesspal.com account. I have to write down everything I eat. If I don't, I underestimate what I've had. Seeing what I've eaten and having it right there is also a good way to keep me accountable. So, today, I started using my account again. And, so far, no grazing.
Now, I know it's not going to be easy. I am going to have to be very aware of when and why I am eating. But, at least I haven't gained any weight and I figured it out before I returned completely back to my old ways. It's funny, I was doing so well and I am so happy with how I feel and look but for some reason I still find comfort in food even when I don't want to. Having the surgery was the easy part....maintaining and changing who we are and how we eat is the hard part. Lucky for me, I have all you here to keep me honest with myself. I think having this blog and having people read it who understand what I'm going through will help me make it through this hurdle and continue moving towards that 150lob goal I have. I am only 70lbs away....if I've lost 100 in five months, I can lose the rest as long as I keep myself honest and do what I know I have to.
So, today is the day I continue on my journey. I have moved over the hurdle and I will continue to follow the plan. I won't allow food to overtake my life again. I was so unhappy before surgery, and I never want to feel like that again.
Hello everyone. I promise that I haven't forgotten about you. I sit at the computer everyday and begin typing but realize that I'm a REALLY boring person. Unless something really funny happens to me, I don't have much to report to you. So, for today you are just going to get my thoughts from the past few days.
Walking is wonderful. I really enjoy getting outside everyday and attempting to beat my previous time. Yesterday, I walked a 18min mile. That may not sound like much, but when I first started my mile was around 30mins. So, I am getting better, thinner, and faster and I love every second of it. Before long, I will running instead of walking....sorry, I was laughing so hard at that, I fell off the chair. I will only be running if someone or something bad is chasing me. And, lets be honest, the bad thing will more than likely get me. That reminds me, I need to check my will and make sure it's updated.
Mother's Day: I spent this day with my family. I do not have any children, but I enjoyed being with my mother and sister and all her children. The best was sitting down at a family dinner and being able to eat with them. The last time I attempted this was Easter, and I was on my per-surgery diet so I couldn't eat. I was in week 2 and I was soooo depressed. I burst into tear right before the meal was served. But, unlike my mental breakdown last time we were all together, I was able to have some hamburger, beans, corn, and a bite of mac and cheese. I know it sounds like a lot, but trust me, I only ate around 3onz. So, while everyone was digging in and loading up their plates, my sister and I sat there picking at our food and loading up on conversation and family time. My only issue since I've started real food is veggies, and the need to walk after every meal. I looked like a crazy person as everyone was sitting at the table talking and I was walking in circles in the back yard. But hey, I figured the walking burned off at least a bean or two.
Doctor's Apt: I am not sure if I have told you all that I am currently on disability I have a really bad back. One of the major reasons I had this surgery was so that I can get a new disc when I lose enough weight. With that said, Today I had to go see the SS doctor for him to check out my "ability". Well, in the exam, he started pushing on my stomach. I explained that it really hurt as I just had surgery and I was still healing. Then he made me lay down to do his pushing and said, "I need to see your scars". WHAT???? I never expected to hear that. Now, before I go off about this "independent doctor who is paid by the government" you need to know that the whole time I was in there he was rude, demeaning and he STUNK. At first I thought it was what he ate for lunch, but it wasn't. It was him. How do you tell a mean hateful doctor that he stinks? He also made me lay down and when he told me to get up, he grabbed my arm and PULLED me. Now, if any of you have back issues, you know the worst thing to do to a person with back issues to to "help" them get up. Lucky for me, my husband jumped up and told him not to do that. This doctor shouldn't have been allowed to evaluate monkeys at a zoo, let alone people. Now, speaking of the doctor's office, I was also shocked to listen to two patients in the waiting room. They were openly talking about their illegal drug use. Then to top it off, the woman said what a great daughter she had....the same daughter that was doing the drugs as well. It was crazy in there. I really felt out of place.
Food: I am doing well with my food. it's interesting to try regular food. I am scared most of the time but only a few times have I felt "uneasy". I haven't had any more slimming nor have I thrown up. Hope this stays this way. Also, my husband enjoys watching me enjoy new foods.
So, that's what's been going on with me. Like I told you, nothing exciting. We are pretty boring. I am sure I will have some interesting and funny stories soon.
Today I want to talk about photographs and memories..(cue Jim Croce). I have been looking back at photos trying to see just how much my body has changed since April and you know what I found? NOTHING. Apparently fat people don't like having their body photographed...who knew? LOL
So, I started thinking back and I clearly remember telling people to only photograph my face...or my chest up. I didn't want my stomach or any other part of my body placed in a digital image...or if you're old school, on film. I can't even remember when I was ever happy with having someone take a full body picture of me. There are a few of me in high school where I look good and happy and maybe some from college but to be honest, I don't' think I ever liked seeing my body in a photograph. That is until now.
Now, I am not saying I'm tiny or ready to try out for "Next Top Model", but I will say, "DAMN!!!! I LOOK GOOD". LOL Does that make me sound cocky or full of myself? Maybe I should just say, "WOW, looking good.". I even look back to photos taken this summer, only a few months after surgery and I can see a huge difference in my body. The scale hasn't gone down a huge amount, but my body is changing....and I love seeing the changes. So, I figured I would share some of my body shots with you all...and even a few close ups. the close ups are funny to me becasue I look like a totally different person.
But here's my real question. How are you all feeling about photos of yourself? Are you more apt to get in the photos now? Are you shocked at what you see? I can't wait to hear your thoughts on this as I can't be the only one who has to change my thought process when it comes to photos. I am still aiming mostly for my face when in a picture....but when I do get that one in a few body shot....I'm pretty happy with what I see.
This Summer
New Years Eve
Trying to be a little sexy for hubby
Old face shot (before surgery)
New Face
Now, i can't wait to look back another nine months and compare again. No matter how difficult this can be at time...it is so worth the ride....just make sure you take pictures so you have the memories.
I started walking again today. It's funny how taking only a month off can totally change your ability. I went from feeling like a marathon runner (without the running part) to feeling like child learning how to walk for the first time. Why is my heart beating so fast and why am I sweating enough to quench the thirst of a small 3rd world country? I don't remember it being this bad when I first started after my surgery. That could be becasue I knew I couldn't do much then and now I feel like I should be able to do more than I was doing when I stopped walking. One cool thing that I noticed was that my shorts didn't do the "lets hide in the crotch" thing they do when you're overweight and walking. You know what I mean. It's when the front of your shorts ride up and bunch up near your crotch. Then you try to pull them down with out looking too obvious but deep down you know everyone can see you doing it. Then you start to walk again and BAM there they are right back up to your crotch. Yeah, that thing....well, it happened a little but not enough for me to have to stop and pull them down. 100lbs ago I would have had to pull them down every few steps...hence the reason I never worked out in shorts until now.
Needless to say, I got in 1.25 miles. Much less than I wanted but much more than my back was telling me I could do. My back is still bad, but I know if I keep it up my back will get used to it. It's just getting through what I call the "pain hump" That's the time during and after your workout (for about 2 weeks) where you feel like you're back is broken and you can't move an inch, let alone a mile. It's the time where mind over matter kicks in and sometimes matter wins. But, if you're lucky, you will fight through it and take charge. If you do, not only will you feel better physically, but also emotionally. This point was proven when I came home and started cleaning. I've been looking at the house for days thinking about how it needed to be cleaned but I always found something more important to do...like watch T.V. However, today I felt so good after my walk that I didn't want to just sit and do nothing....so, I cleaned. Now, not only do I feel good about myself, I feel good about my house too. LOL
A year ago, I would look at people who are the size I am now and think, "Oh, what I would give to be that size!". I just knew I would be full of confidence and that my self esteem would be flying high again. But, now that I am where I was striving to be a year ago (not thin but no longer obese), I'm still not happy with my body. Is this becasue society has told us what is beautiful so many times that we start to believe it? Or, is it much more simpler than that. Is it just that I'm not happy with my body as a whole? Why am I minimizing my success in my head? I know I'm not sabotaging myself, but I also know that when I look in the mirror now, there are parts of my body that I dislike even more now that I've lost weight. Now, before everyone blows up at me, let me explain.
I am 110lbs smaller than I was a year ago and aroun90lbs smaller since surgery six months ago. I can look and feel my body and I KNOW it has made tons of positive changes. i also know that even though I mess up with my food intake some times, I have made huge strides in that area as well. For example, this time of year in the past I would have had bough four bags of candy just for my husband and I. To be honest, I ate 3 1/2 of those! Now, I've been very careful. If I do eat a mini bar, it's only one or two for the day and then no more for awhile. I've learned that apples and peanut butter can taste just as good as a Reese's Cup....well, not AS good....but close enough. Plus, the apple doesn't make me feel bad about eating it when I'm done. I also try to exercise when my back will allow. Another huge step.
As for my body changes, the pouch over my "lady parts" is so much smaller that when I'm using the bathroom, I marvel that I can see certain parts again. (Sorry if that's TMI). I can now see the numbers on the scale with out having to bend my body all cockeyed when I weigh myself. My arms feel like little girls arms to me when I fold them across my chest and the best part is the way I fit into the area under my husband's arm when he puts it around me. For the first time, his arm goes all around me and can even go down part of my arm. For the first time ever, i feel like I can be that comforted woman in the arms of the man she loves. But, with all the good comes the bad. My boobs continue to try to make their way to the floor. If they continue on their trip, they will be there in a few months and I can turn them into cleaning tools as I walk around the kitchen floor!!! Also, they are much smaller, and I have to admit, I REALLY miss them. (If you read my blog lots, you can see that I say this all the time...I have always had a close relationship to my boobs!!! LOL). The skin under my lady parts and between my thighs continues to look like a bull dog's jowls. My tummy is now wrinkled and I can fold areas of skin and fat over on it. My arms have wings and to really just shock me, I noticed today that my face skin is hanging a little too. I swear, I know it's Halloween, but I do not have any desire to look like a walking melting wax figure!!!!!
So, I did what I do and asked myself, "Which would you prefer? Who you were six months ago or who you are now?" No question, hands down, The PERSON I AM NOW!!!!. So what's the problem you may ask? It's simple. I've been overweight my whole life and I always thought that if I lost weight I would have a killer body. But, becasue of my age and the length of time I've been fat (not to mention the inability to exercise the way I would like), my body didn't get my brain's memo and can't just fall back into place.....right now, it can only "fall". Because of this, it adds some negative thoughts in my head about how I look. Now, I know only I and my husband can see my body....and I'm lucky that he loves it the way it is.....but every person I know wants that tight, chest up, butt up, tones arm look!! But for now, I will have to rely on Spanks and the right clothes to hide all these changes....and trust me, I don't mind one bit.
I miss the 115lbs I've lost since April. Yes, you read that right. No, I'm not crazy. I just being honest....well, kind of honest.
For the record, I don't REALLY miss the weight. I just miss the extra padding and HEAT that it gave me. You see, I have always been what I considered "warm blooded". Apparently that isn't the case. Apparently, extra fat keeps you extra warm. This is not a good thing in those 100 degree, 90% humidity days but, during the winter months it really makes a difference. For the record, I have never been a fan of the cold. I grew up in a resort area and my idea of a perfect day is getting to the beach by 9am and not leaving until 5pm. I love the warmth of the sun on my skin and the sound of the waves hitting the shore line. I even love the fall. Warm days, crisp nights are wonderful. But, this cold, snowy weather.....it's just not for me.
In the past month, I have learned the art the layering clothes. To be honest, I am still having problems with this one. Not because I don't get the idea behind it, but because I have never liked having to "bulk" up more than I had too. I have also learned that my heater refuses to put out any heat despite the temperature I put it on. This can cause a girl to go insane when she's layered up and under two blankets while begging the cat (trust me, I wish it was a dog), to jump up on my lap just for the extra warmth while I drink ANOTHER cup of hot tea. As I sit here typing this, I have a heating pad on me, a cup of tea, and three layers up top, two layers on the bottom AND an blanket!!!
I have checked my vitamins. I have tried eating more. I have tried eating less. I have used heating pads. I have begged my husband to curl up next to me in bed just to use him for his body heat. I have done almost everything I can except turn the heater up AGAIN. I refuse. There are people who can handle the temperature being much lower than what mine is set at and they are much smaller. Therefore, I know it's possible to not be this cold all the time...or at least that is what I have been told. I am holding on to the belief that the rumors are true and one day I'll be warm when it's cold outside. One DAY!!!! Oh what a day that will be.
So, here's my question....as always, I have one.....AM I THE ONLY ONE? How are you all handling the changes in you bodies ability to regulate it's own heat?
One thing you all don't know yet is that I fall all the time. I can be walking along just fine and then BAM, I hit the ground. I've done this my whole life so I've learned how to take a fall. I also run into things and bang my head on things all the time. Again, I'm used to this. Also, I had lots of extra padding to keep me safe. Well, last night I found out that some of that padding is gone....and trust me, it HURT me to learn this.
I had gone over to my parents to get a cooler for my friend and her husband to use at the beach today. I cleaned it out with bleach and water.....and ruined ANOTHER shirt. Bleach and I just don't get along. Anyway, back on track. So, last night I looked inside of it and noticed that there was still some water in it. Now, you have to understand the way my counter is. It comes out to the living room to allow for extra space and a place to eat. Ok, so I was bent down (under the counter) cleaning out the water and then I decided it would be a great idea to stand up without getting out from under the counter. Well, my head found a new friend. I slammed my head on the counter so hard that I gave myself two knots, a headache and a concussion. It was right then I knew that I lost some fat in my head. I say that becasue I have hit my head on so many things over the years with out issue. I am talking counters, the open freezer door, walls (walking into them), doors. I swear, I always have some type of bruise on me but I haven't had a concussion since I don't know when.
My husband rolled his eyes at me when I told him how badly I was hurt. He's used to seeing me doing things like this and I am never a baby about it but for some reason last night he thought I was making it worse than it was. That was until he felt my knots. Thank you knots for telling him I am not a wimp. Then it all changed. He became so concerned. He wouldn't let me sleep and if I did, he made me sleep out in the living room so he could wake me up when he wanted to make sure I was ok. That was great until I woke up on my own only to find his sleeping on the couch (I was on the love seat). What is it with men, a remote, and a couch. I think there is a sleep button that we women don't know anything about on the remote.
Anyway, i am fine. Knots are much smaller today and the headache is gone. I just have to be more careful now that I'm losing my padding. It's going to suck when I fall again....I better start wearing one of those dog training suits...that should keep me safe.
Two days ago I posted about my pretty light blue Shake Weight. I wanted to share a photo of that with you so you can how I could be drawn to the pretty color and the shinny ends. Yes, I still use it whenever I get a chance and i do like it. It's very addictive. Hope you enoy my new toy as much as I do..even though you aren't able to play with it. Sorry about that. I'd share if you were here.
All of my life I have been bigger. With that said, I didn't really care becasue I was always in shape and very active. I played tennis is high school and swam every day. I would hike when I was able and I could slam the crap out of a racquetball ball. Then BAM!!!! That all changed 18 years ago. I was 20 years old, in college, and having the time of my life when my disc decided it didn't like the home it had and that it wanted to go explore the rest of my back. The first two years after this happened, I was still able to do some activities, but I had to be mindful of my back. Then, over time, it got worse and I did less and less until I could no longer fathom the idea of doing any activity. Truth is, when you deal with chronic pain on a daily basis, you get tired of it and you want to do anything you can to get it to stop. My anything was doing nothing.
Now, after my surgery I have been doing more than I have in years. I walk almost daily or do some other type of cardio. And even though I'm still in horrible pain, I figure it's worth it to be healthy. I am only 5 months out and I have lost over 100lbs from my highest weight and around 75 from my surgery day. Now, you can't lose that much weight that fast with out some repercussions. And trust me, I have some. If you have read my blog for awhile, you know that I have already commented about my boobs. For those of you who don't know, my boobs are the things I miss the most. Every time I look in the mirror when I'm naked, I sing, "Do your boobs hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Can you throw them over your shoulder like a Continental soldier? Do your boobs hang low?" They seem to hang a little lower every day. I'm starting to think they are depressed. Maybe I should give them some antidepressants to perk them back up....do you think that would work? I wish!!!
I had just learned to accept my boobs then out of nowhere I noticed something today that totally caught me off guard. I have wings!!! You know the extra skin under your arm that just hangs there and flops back and forth. I thought I was doing well with not getting any of that. I have made sure that I have worked my arms (with my shake weight, and while walking) but apparently that hasn't been enough. I am 38 years old and I have the back, boobs and arms of an 80 year old. Then, to make it just a little worse, I can start to see the extra skin on my tummy. My oh my, I'm just going to be skinny...yes, the pun was intended. But seriously people....it sucks. We work so hard following the program, doing what we need to do, and fighting daily urges to not eat certain things and to keep active and yet some of us will still have these issues.
I guess I'll have to accept my new wings like I accepted my boobs. I can't do anything about it right now. The good thing is that now I won't have to pay those high prices for airfare. I can just hold out my arms on a windy day and "Fly like and eagle". Now, if only I can find something useful for my droopy boobs to do....that's going to take some thought.
Today I have felt as though there is no bottom to my stomach. I have been so hungry that I think I could eat a whole pig if one was offered up. I am not sure where these hunger pains are coming from except that it's REALLY close to that time of the month.
Now, I have been very good at what I am eating. I have roasted chick peas that I munch on and some almonds. The problem with the almonds or any nut is that I could eat them until I got sick....lucky for me, I haven't. I need to learn to really focus on my hunger and figure out what my body is telling me. I will admit that I haven't really eaten much the last few days. I have had my three meals a day and made all my protein, but I had to force those meals down because I wasn't really hungry. Then BOOM, today my body and stomach do a 180 and now everything that can be consumed, I want to consume. Usually when I am like this (before surgery), I want ice cream, chocolate, bread, and salty foods. That isn't the case now. Now, I want healthy foods like nuts, apples, and peanut butter. I guess that's a good thing but I have to admit, I feel horrible for eating this much. Now, I don't fill up to the brim. I haven't slimmed, and to be honest, I am eating small "meals" every few hours but compared to what I was eating before surgery and after surgery, I feel like a hungry hippo chomping for those marbles.
I have read on here that there comes a time where people feel hungry constantly and eat more than they have been. I guess that is where I am now. I hope that tomorrow, I wake up and am no longer chasing those marbles. Also, maybe Aunt Flow will show up and put this wanting to eat thing to rest. I swear if it wasn't for Aunt Flow, I wouldn't have any worries but that lady is NO FUN and every time she comes around, I feel the hunger rearing it's ugly head. The hunger gets worse the closer she gets. Mother Nature and Eve sure weren't looking out for all the other women in the world when they decided to follow their own plans and not listen to anyone. Thanks a lot!!!
I try to stay away from full frontal naked mirror shots of myself. I think this is something we learn to do as we get bigger and bigger. I can't tell you the last time I stood buck A@@ naked in front a mirror on purpose......then again, why else would I stand in front of one? But today, I did.
Back story to how this finally came to be. I was laying out at the pool today and I looked down at my legs and I thought, "Hummmm, is that just weight loss or is it skin? is it a little of both." I then tried to ignore it, but ended up in the water doing leg lifts and any other leg work out I could do to help "tighten" the area. So, after a 1/2 hour of trying to work the area, I decided to just relax and enjoy the sun and fun.
Now, anyone who knows me knows that once I get something in my head, I can't let it go. I do obsess sometimes....ok, most of the time....my husband is laughing and saying, "you mean ALLLLLL the time.". ANYWAY......lol So, I decided to pack up and come home. As soon as I came in, I took off my bathing suit and went to stand in front of the only full length mirror in our home. Remember, fat people don't like full length mirrors...they are the enemy. I haven't had a full length mirror in my home for over 10 years. The only reason I have one now is that it's the door to one of the closets in the house. As you can imagine, I didn't pick that door out.
At first I couldn't look at my whole body. I stayed focused on my boobs and up. I am used to seeing this section of my body before or after a shower so I knew what to expect. My chin is a normal one chin, my face had thinned out, my collar bone is beginning to show itself and my boobs are hanging a little low. SIDE BAR: Every time I look at my boobs (even before surgery) I sing this tune, "Do my boobs hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can I tie them in a knot? Can I tie them a Bow? Can I throw them over my shoulder like a continental solder? Do my boobs hang low." So far I haven't been able to make a knot or throw them anywhere except in a bra to push them up. Now you all know that song is stuck in your head right now....don't lie. LOL
Ok, so they looked the same. The boobs were hanging a little more and my "wings" are a little more wing like. I take a deep breath. I slowly allow my eyes to move down my naked body. The tummy area is looking smaller. There is some possible loose skin but only time will tell for sure about that. My hour glass figure is starting to show itself again (my husband is in heaven about that) and for where I should be right now after surgery, everything looks like it should. Now, I don't plan to run out and buy a bikini to show off my six pack abs. I may go by a six pack of beer to show off since I can't really drink it. LOL
Finally, I look to my my legs. Now, before I explain what I saw, you have to understand that prior to my back issues, I was always active. I was never"thin" but I was toned and tight. My legs were very muscular and I always hated how bulky they were. Then today as I forced myself to look at the area I was scared to death to face thigh to eye (a little word play LOL) , I realized I was no longer 25. I still have muscle but much less. Then I saw it or should I say THEM. The jowls. Right between my thighs in the upper part of my legs under my special lady place. They just hung there, all wrinkled up and looking like they should begin slobbering soon I was expecting to find the rest of the bull dog but thankfully that didn't happen. I was shocked. When did this happen? Was it before surgery and is now worse due to the weight loss? Then I looked at my thighs to my knees? Yeap, there is all is. It all made perfect sense. I have lost so much weight so quickly that my legs already need a lift and I'm just half way done with my weight loss. By the time I am ready to have any reconstructive plastic surgery, I will be tying things in bows and throwing them over my shoulder.
Then It all really hit me. Once I am done losing the weight, I will be thin but I will have the body of a ninety year old. How can I feel sexy wearing all that skin? I can see it now, "Honey, just throw that left boob over my right shoulder and then you separate the jowls between my legs to look for the "area"." Yeah, that's a real turn on. Lucky for me, I have a great husband and someday soon I will have a great plastic surgeon. My new song after I get my jowls removed and my stomach tucked and my breasts filled and lifted will be, "They don't hang low, or wobble to and fro, the surgeon cut em off becasue they were hanging to floor.......I'll have to work more on the song but you get the idea.
In the six months that I have been on this site, I have read many posts, updates, and blogs. I have seen that we all have very similar fears and concerns when it comes to the sleeve. Today I plan to address one fear that I have/had that I haven't seen on here. I am not sure if it's becasue the fear seems so far fetched to most or if it's something else completely. What I do know is this fear was one of my BIGGEST reservations about having this surgery.
Now, most people worry about having to get in protein or the pain associated with the surgery and after. Others worry about hair falling out, change of taste buds, and even not eating enough. I have heard cries of concern over drinking while eating, hormonal changes, and even the ever popular, "will I ever be able to eat ________ again?" Now, I am not belittling these concerns. I've had them all and still have some. A great example is one I had yesterday. My husband wanted pizza for dinner. I know I can't eat pizza anymore. It doesn't sit well with me and I am only able to take maybe two bites before I feel like I may slime. However, I know how much he misses having it on weekends so I ordered him one. For me, I got a child's size chicken alfredo. I knew it would last me at least three meals, but I REALLY wanted pasta and I wanted alfredo sauce. Well, after spending way to much money for it, I brought it home, opened it up and took a bite of just the chicken. As I chewed I noticed an off taste. I ended up spitting it out and throwing the rest down the garbage disposal. Then I burst into tears. All I wanted was something different than my normal grilled chicken breast (plain). I wanted the pizza and all it's yummy cheese and peperoni that seemed to laugh at me for not being able to taste it. I wanted to go off on my husband for his ability to eat said pizza and go back for seconds. But, once my raging hormones calmed down (I'm PMSing big time) I opted for a lean shake....my third for the day. As I was drinking it, I began to tear up and talk about some of the above fears. Mostly I wanted to know if I would EVER be able to have certain foods again. Because to be honest with you, right now it doesn't feel that way even though I know over time I will be able to have a little bit of things that I miss.
Even with all the crying and anger of that fear showing it's ugly two mouthed, four hands head, I still have/had one other fear that is/was bigger than any other. So sit back as I tell you a story...
11 years ago while playing an online game, I received an IM from some random man. "Hello", was all it said. As I was getting ready to hit the X to rid my computer screen of the interruption another message in the box popped up. "I love your quote!!" Now, this was back when dial up was considered fast and AOL was the best service around. My quote was by Mark Twain and read, "When I was 14 I found my father to be the most ignorant man in the world. However, when I turned 21 I was astonished to see how much the old man had learned in only 7 short years." This was quoted to me almost everyday by my father and as I grew older, I understood it more and more. Needless to say, we chatted. He begged to meet me. I said no. I was a size 18/20 and I didn't think anyone would find me attractive at that size. Also, i didn't want to be killed by some random guy on the internet. LOL Well, he took his time and we talked on the phone and internet for four months. I fell for his intelligence and I felt so comfortable with him on the phone that it was like I already knew him. Then he asked again....can we meet? I told him yes but in a public place and then dropped the bomb, "I'm not a thin girl. So, if you're looking for a tiny girl, I'm not her. I'm not huge but I have meat on me." Without missing a beat he responded, " Good, I like a woman with some meat and curves." Well, I thought he was crazy. Who would like that? No man I had known would admit to liking a woman bigger than a size 8. Now, 11 years later, he's my husband and is currently snoring on the couch.
I told you all that to get back to the fear. Once I got to know him even better, I saw that he didn't lie to me at all. He loves a bigger woman. He can't imagine being with a woman who's smaller than a size 12 or 14. So, when I began thinking about the sleeve and discussing it with him, that was my biggest scare. What if he isn't attracted to me once I'm thin? What will happen when the boobs and butt have shrunk and he can feel my ribs when holding me? Will he lose interest and decide to get his big butt, curvy, voluptuous lady somewhere else? Will I no longer turn him on the way I have for years? Will me getting healthy cause me to lose the man I love?
There, it's finally out there. I know I am not the only woman who has had that thought and I won't be the last one. This is why I decided to put it all out there and discuss it. Now, I know he has supported me through this with no issue. He loves me thin, fat, curvy, with big boobs and a big butt or without them. He's a wonderful man and I'm very lucky to have him. However, even knowing that I still have times where that fear will come out of nowhere again and I am forced to think about it and try to push it back down in the dungeon. Those times come when he jokes with me about my "little boobs and little butt" or when he starts poking at my ribs and saying things about how tiny I am now. (Note: I am currently a size 16/18.) As he jokes all i can think is, "I still have 75lbs to go.....what will he say/do then?" Will he still want to be intimate with me at 140 or will I be just a pile of bones in his eyes?
So, as a therapist, I do what any therapist would do....I ask him!!! He has assured me that he doesn't care my size as long as I'm healthy and happy. But when asked about my boobs he does admit he would like to see them lifted and filled....but what man wouldn't? I can't hold that against him. I want that also so at least we're on the same page. So, needless to say, he likes big butts and he can not lie but he'll love my tiny butt and droopy boobs just as much!!! Now, I just have to figure out how to work on these concerns and fears of mine. I know it's my issue, not his and I have to own it and change my thinking. But that doesn't make it easy to do...then again, nothing about going through the sleeve process is easy.
So, let me know ladies....was this a concern for any of you? If so how are you coping with it or how have you coped with it? I would really love to hear your thoughts on this. Oh and FYI, the photo isn't my butt...mine is much smaller now. LOL
I can't believe he did it. My husband actually hid my scale. What am I going to do? Does he not know I NEED that scale daily? I know I read the last post to him, but I didn't really think he would take it away and hide it. I noticed as I was peeing. I looked down and where the pretty digital scale used to sit, there was nothing but an empty floor. Flooring can't tell me how much I way. Doesn't he know this?
When I finished, I came out and sat down and had a little talk with my dear husband. he told me he would bring it out once a week for weigh ins. My response (and this is no lie), "What if you bring it out on my 'fat' day"? Then what?" With out missing a beat, he said, "Then I guess I will have to change days." Sometimes I hate him for being so fast on his feet. So, for now I am going through withdraw. Wish me luck. I know I can make it through this, but I also know how hard it's going to be. Anyone out there want to do the once a week weigh in with me? That may help knowing that other people have to wait for their weight too. Let me know and we can go through this together. I still can't believe he did it though. LOL
This post is for women...or men who have to deal with us after our sleeve. If you are neither, you have been warned!! I am going to discuss that wonderful experience almost all of us have once a month. No, it's not a full moon (but it is said to be linked), This post is all about the PERIOD. No, not the kind that kids no longer know should be at the end of a sentence (thank you text messaging for that), but the nasty, crampy, bloaty, mood changing one. This is one of those VERY HONEST posts that may make some uncomfortable...if you are one of those people, you should leave now!!!
Ok, for all those of you that I stayed with me........
I have never had bad periods. I PMSed very little and only very rarely had cramps. I knew I was lucky and I had no desire to be one of the many women out there that literately curl up in a ball for a week due to the pain and discomfort. I liked my period (as much as any women can like it). Then, I had this surgery.
The day after surgery (while still in the hospital), I started. It came out of nowhere and I was so relieved to hear that many women do experience this. It was much heavier than normal and I was very crampy. I just chalked it all up to having "trauma" AKA the WLS. So, when I came home and it finished I never really thought much about it. That is until around 28 days later. For about three days before I started again, I became a Bi$%h to deal with. I would yell at my husband for any little thing. Even if it wasn't something that normally would upset me. I cried at the drop of a hat. Commercials could bring tears to my eyes and have me sobbing in seconds. Remember the Christmas Folgers Coffee one from years ago? The one when the college or military man comes home? That caused me to tear up when I saw it the first time. Now, it would send me into a sobbing fit. But again, I found an explanation. I chalked it up to all the hormones running around in my system. Then when it started I was back to normal except for the cramps and the way it looked. Don't worry, I won't get too specific. My issue was that it wasn't the same for me at all. It lasted longer, it was heavy, and then sometimes there wasn't any real blood. It was more like the end of a period than the beginning or the middle.
I tell you all this to now tell you how it is NOW. Three days ago, I cried for hours. I wanted to kill my husband and I must have given the, "I can't stand you" look to him no less than 100 times that day. I didn't know why or where these feelings came from and to be honest, I didn't really care. I just wanted to get all those feelings I was having out. Even if it meant verbally attacking the man I love. And that my friends is EXACTLY what I did. The poor man didn't know what hit him. To be honest, I am not sure if he even knows now. I was a crazy, hormone filled, sobbing, runny nose, monster and he was the person I was sent here to attack. And attack I did. Nothing was good enough. He could look at me and get yelled at. He could say, "I love you." and I would sneer and roll my eyes. I was everything I promised myself never to be. I was the woman all men hate....I was THAT woman.
Then, the next day the sky was blue, the clouds were puffy and white, the temp was perfect and I started my period. It was like the "opening of the gate" stabilized me. i was back to myself and not the angry, crazy witch I had been only a day before. Now, so you know, this has happened for the past five months since my surgery and all I can think is, WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?????
I truly feel that every month I become possessed. I can't stop myself from saying things or looking at people with despise. I even started freaking out at some kids (in their late teens early 20's) for not stopping to cross the road and almost hitting my SUV. I couldn't just roll my eyes and keep driving. Nope, I had to scream and go off on five boys that were just being that age. I can't control myself and I can't keep the thoughts in my head with out having to cry for hours or scream at unknowing people for no reason. Another example. I went to McD's to get my husband some food. The girl at the window was very rude and I ignored it...that is until I said, "Thank you" and she responded with rolling her eyes and smacking her lips. Then it was on. I proceeded to tell her she could go to a very warm place that doesn't have sand or surf. I also told her that customer service means being nice to people and if she couldn't do it, she should find a new job. Then I drove away, crying, and so angry I wanted to hit something. Now, this is not me!!!! This is the woman that takes over once a month and does her own thing. I can't stop her. I've tried. I have the inner talk with her. I've kept her mouth shut only to have her use a crow bar to open it. I have done everything I know how to do (as a therapist) to not be this mean person and still, NOTHING is working.
So, here's my question for you all.....Do any of you have this issue or anything like it? Are you a different person during your time of month since surgery? Let me know if I'm going crazy and need to see a doc or if this is normal. If it's not normal, be happy I've passed that time of the month *the PMSing" becasue if I hadn't, you might get a piece of the crazy, Bit@#'s mind....and trust me, you nor I would want that.
I never thought I was an emotional eater. Most times when I am really upset about something, I am not hungry at all. I remember one time when my now husband and I broke up. We were engaged at the time and I refuses to give him my ring when I walked out the door. I ended up going to the beach. It's the one place I can always feel better and make sense of what I am feeling. Those three days, I think i ate 1/2 of a turkey club sandwich. Nothing else. No chips, no sweets, nothing. I lost 15lbs in 4 days. The good thing was that if we stayed broken up, I would have slimmed down A LOT and maybe found a new man pretty quickly. (my husband isn't very happy that I wrote that last part). LOL
I tell you all this to explain today. Today I received some bad news. Nothing major. No one died or anything. It was news that I knew caused my mother to be very upset and though it upset me, I was more upset that my mother cried. No one likes to see their mother cry. So, with it being lunch time, I looked around for what I was going to have for lunch. Nothing looked good to me. The thought of eating made my stomach turn....until I thought of carrot cake. If you have been reading my blog, you know my love (almost obsession) with carrot cake. I thought, "YUMMM carrot cake sure sounds good. I bet I could eat a whole slice." WHAT? Where did that thought come from? I haven't really wanted anything sweet since surgery so why was carrot cake on my mind now? I sat for a moment thinking about this and then had my "light bulb" moment. Sugar makes everything better.
If I look back at my childhood, sugar played a huge part of making me feel better or was given as a reward. If I had a sore throat, after the doctor's visit, my mother would take me to McDonald's for an ice cream or milk shake. If I ate everything on my plate, I got desert. If I finished my chores, I got a cookie with chocolate milk. Now, I don't think my mother was trying to get me to associate food with good feelings. I think she just thought she was being nice. It wasn't always bad things. There were times I got an apple, an orange, or some grapes. But to me, the best memories were from the special sugary treats.
So, as I sat there coming to the realization that food was a reward to me most of the time, I decided that food will no longer play that roll. Food is something to give me energy. It helps my body do what it needs to. It can taste good and be enjoyable but it is not something I get to feel better or to reward myself with. I am thinking clothes would be a good thing to replace food...but that could be VERY expensive. Let's be honest, a milky way is much cheaper than a pair of shorts or a shirt. So, for now my reward is the scale going down. Knowing if I eat to make myself feel better or to reward myself will be sabotage and I refuse to have gone through all this for nothing. So, the candy bars, ice cream, and all the sugary things can remain on the store shelf. How did I deal with it today? I had a Lean Shake. 25 grams of protein, and I'm full. Not as tasty, but much better for me.
I thought I covered what type of blog I was writing in my first one. But, apparently, not everyone reads all the entries. So, from now on I think I am going to have to do the following.
*******DISCLAIMER!!!!! What you are about to read is to be taken lightly. It's goal is to make you smile, laugh, and hopefully see the funny side of going through weight loss surgery. This blog is in no way my feeble attempt to get advice (unless I ask for it), or to be told what I am doing or saying is wrong. We are all different. We all heal differently. We all experience different things. With all this in mind, please enjoy my take on life after the sleeve. I hope it helps make your day just a little bit easier and happier. *********
Now that all that is out of the way. I feel the need to talk about the looks I've been getting from people when I tell them I've had weight loss surgery. I actually find the looks funny. For example. Today I went to GNC to see if I could find some type of protein drink that I can actually handle. When I went in, I got attacked by the vulture (aka the sales man). So, I proceed to explain to him that I had weight loss surgery and I was looking for a protein that I could handle (and that tasted good). It was interesting to see the look on his face when I said the surgery thing. It was only a split second or two, but it was obvious that he did not approve of my surgery. Not that I asked or wanted his approval. All I wanted him to do was help me find some protein I could handle. So, I ignored him and followed him around the store as he explained to me how, everything "tastes amazing". I know not to trust sales people, but really, EVERYTHING??? I highly doubt that. We are talking about protein and I have rarely met a protein that I found "yummy". So, after he promised me I would "love" this one brand, I decided to throw him off his game. I asked if he had samples or if they sold them per bottle. I refused to buy a whole thing of them only to get home and find out I didn't like it. So again, the sly fox of a salesman pulled this one on me, "No, we don't. However, I will give you this bottle if you PROMISE not to tell my manager. I really am not allowed to do this." I actually laughed at him as I saw the bottles behind the counter that they used for such an occasion.. Did he really think I was going to buy that line? Well, as shocking as it sounds, it really wasn't that bad. It's called GNC Total Lean, Lean Shake. It has 25g of protein, 2g of sugar, 3g of fiber (which I really need but more on that later), total fat 6g, and 170 calories. I had to taste it warm and I was able to stand it so I am sure once it's ice cold, it will be much better. As a whole, the unapproving, over zealous salesman did a good job. And, he gave me the first, "I don't agree with your decision" look since my surgery which I kind of enjoyed in a strange way.
Next I headed to Walgreens. I needed a fiber supplement and I needed one fast. Not to give TMI, but my first number 2 after 9 days and two things of Miralax, was more like the number 2 of a VERY LARGE rabbit. It wasn't fun passing, and as soon as I was done, I was ready to find a way for that not to happen again. After staring at all my options for a good 15mins, I finally gave up and went to talk to the pharmacist. I proceeded to tell her my issue and included that I had the gastric sleeve and because i was unable to get much food in, my fiber was almost non-existing. There is was again....that LOOK. She took a little longer to recover than the GNC guy (if she did at all). Even while she was telling me about what fiber would be my best option, she was unable to hide her disapproval of my decision. So it was right then, in Walgreens that I decided. Screw YOU....SCREW ALL OF YOU who think you have any idea what I have gone through, or why I decided to do this. No one asked for your approval or disapproval so don't give it. And, if you do give it, be prepared for me to tell you I don't really care what you think. I did this for me. I did it for my health. I did it for my medical reasons. No, it's not easy. No, I couldn't just eat less and exercise. I've tried that. It didn't work. So, keep your two cents and I promise I won't judge you on your attitude (which sucks) , your clothing (I don't care what the magazines say, you do not look good in overly tight jeans and five inch heals), your hair (1980 called and they want their puffy bangs back) , your makeup (yes, it looks good on models, but you are not a model and you you didn't have a professional do it) , your marriage (don't lie and say you have a perfect marriage, we all know your spouse is not "running errands", he/she is running around on you), your children (a rough patch is a few months or back-talking not years of getting arrested and being pregnant at 12) ....or any other decision you've made or thing you've had happen during your life. If you don't want to be judged, DO NOT JUDGE.
Now, before I get attacked for children/marriage/clothing/hair/attitude thing. I know there are always other issues at play. I was just using these as examples of things people do talk about and look down at others for. Funny thing is, people will not be as blunt with their feelings with those people as they are with me for having weight loss surgery. And my decision is one to help me and make me healthier. Doesn't something just sound wrong with that?
As always, I have made my neighbors wonder how I ever got out of the mental institute. At least this time, I didn't flash some poor, unexpecting man my boobs...though he really did seem to enjoy that. No, today I did that thing that we all do sometimes when we are working out. I forgot I was in public. Not only was I in public, it was 7am and there were TONS of people out walking (their dogs or themselves).
Before I went on my 2mile walk (yes, two miles...thank you...thank you...thank you...you can hold your applause now LOL) I decided to add some old CDs that I had found to my phone so that I would have something different to listen to as I walked. Great idea right? This would help motivate me, get me moving a little faster, and help keep me walking more than I have been. Well, that's all true. EXCEPT one thing....I forgot how much I enjoyed some of these tunes. So, not only was I singing along as I walked (I tried to stop when I saw someone coming), I was also doing that upper body dance thing with my arms....you know the one right? It's when you start moving your arms and bobbing up and down?! But, that wasn't the worst part, the worst was when I decided to get my legs involved. Apparently, I didn't think putting one foot in front of the other was good enough. Nope, I thought it would be neat to do a little side step ever once and a while....as well as some some back and forth foot work. This wouldn't have been too bad except I got caught BIG time. Not just by the person in front in me walking their dog, but also by the man driving behind me. I have no idea how long either one was there. The BEST part of the whole thing was watching the man walking directly toward me get the look on his face as to say, "what is wrong with her" and ever so slowly cross the road for no other reason to get away from me. And yes, I made sure to say, "Hello" as I passed. I thought about stopping and petting the dog, but I didn't want to be sprayed with mace. LOL
After being caught twice in a matter of seconds, I decided that I should stop my dancing and focus on walking. That was all well and good until "Brown Eyed Girl" came on. Something took over and I was unable to control myself. The words came pouring out of my mouth and my arms and shoulders started going. That is until I noticed an older woman walking her dog and another man attempting to control his dog. It was barking and attempting to break away in an attempt to get to me...and it didn't appear that he wanted to give me lovings. Apparently dogs are not very fond of my singing ability. Damn, and I was planing on auditioning for the Voice next year....LOL.
Now that I am home, safe and sound. I have decided that going for my walk in the morning is not the best idea. I think I will leave the walking to the afternoon or evening when there are less people out there to scare. I mean come on, I've got to maintain some type of normalcy....or at least pretend to. Now excuse me as I go turn up Price and dance around the house like the Dancing Queen I (think) am.
