I miss the 115lbs I've lost since April. Yes, you read that right. No, I'm not crazy. I just being honest....well, kind of honest.
For the record, I don't REALLY miss the weight. I just miss the extra padding and HEAT that it gave me. You see, I have always been what I considered "warm blooded". Apparently that isn't the case. Apparently, extra fat keeps you extra warm. This is not a good thing in those 100 degree, 90% humidity days but, during the winter months it really makes a difference. For the record, I have never been a fan of the cold. I grew up in a resort area and my idea of a perfect day is getting to the beach by 9am and not leaving until 5pm. I love the warmth of the sun on my skin and the sound of the waves hitting the shore line. I even love the fall. Warm days, crisp nights are wonderful. But, this cold, snowy weather.....it's just not for me.
In the past month, I have learned the art the layering clothes. To be honest, I am still having problems with this one. Not because I don't get the idea behind it, but because I have never liked having to "bulk" up more than I had too. I have also learned that my heater refuses to put out any heat despite the temperature I put it on. This can cause a girl to go insane when she's layered up and under two blankets while begging the cat (trust me, I wish it was a dog), to jump up on my lap just for the extra warmth while I drink ANOTHER cup of hot tea. As I sit here typing this, I have a heating pad on me, a cup of tea, and three layers up top, two layers on the bottom AND an blanket!!!
I have checked my vitamins. I have tried eating more. I have tried eating less. I have used heating pads. I have begged my husband to curl up next to me in bed just to use him for his body heat. I have done almost everything I can except turn the heater up AGAIN. I refuse. There are people who can handle the temperature being much lower than what mine is set at and they are much smaller. Therefore, I know it's possible to not be this cold all the time...or at least that is what I have been told. I am holding on to the belief that the rumors are true and one day I'll be warm when it's cold outside. One DAY!!!! Oh what a day that will be.
So, here's my question....as always, I have one.....AM I THE ONLY ONE? How are you all handling the changes in you bodies ability to regulate it's own heat?
Today I want to talk about photographs and memories..(cue Jim Croce). I have been looking back at photos trying to see just how much my body has changed since April and you know what I found? NOTHING. Apparently fat people don't like having their body photographed...who knew? LOL
So, I started thinking back and I clearly remember telling people to only photograph my face...or my chest up. I didn't want my stomach or any other part of my body placed in a digital image...or if you're old school, on film. I can't even remember when I was ever happy with having someone take a full body picture of me. There are a few of me in high school where I look good and happy and maybe some from college but to be honest, I don't' think I ever liked seeing my body in a photograph. That is until now.
Now, I am not saying I'm tiny or ready to try out for "Next Top Model", but I will say, "DAMN!!!! I LOOK GOOD". LOL Does that make me sound cocky or full of myself? Maybe I should just say, "WOW, looking good.". I even look back to photos taken this summer, only a few months after surgery and I can see a huge difference in my body. The scale hasn't gone down a huge amount, but my body is changing....and I love seeing the changes. So, I figured I would share some of my body shots with you all...and even a few close ups. the close ups are funny to me becasue I look like a totally different person.
But here's my real question. How are you all feeling about photos of yourself? Are you more apt to get in the photos now? Are you shocked at what you see? I can't wait to hear your thoughts on this as I can't be the only one who has to change my thought process when it comes to photos. I am still aiming mostly for my face when in a picture....but when I do get that one in a few body shot....I'm pretty happy with what I see.
This Summer
New Years Eve
Trying to be a little sexy for hubby
Old face shot (before surgery)
New Face
Now, i can't wait to look back another nine months and compare again. No matter how difficult this can be at time...it is so worth the ride....just make sure you take pictures so you have the memories.
Well, it's the end of another year and to be honest, I still have to remind myself to write 2012 on my checks (when I actually have to use one). Therefore, writing 2013 is going to be a huge pain in the rear for me. Now, I am not one to make resolutions. To be honest, i don't think I've ever kept one I've made so I finally realized that there was no reason to make any. If someone wants to change, they will...it won't just magically happen becasue it's January 1st. Trust me, I wish that was a case. If it was, we wouldn't all be constantly working to get/remain healthy and thin. Also, there would be a lot of surgeons out there who wouldn't be as wealthy as they are right now...thanks to us. You are welcome surgeons...from all of us. Sorry, i digress. Now, I thought I wold take the time to look back on my year and share my wisdom with you all....or at least what I think is wisdom. It could be a big ole pile of steaming crap, but I'm going to share it anyway. Lucky for you all, if it is crap, you don't have to smell it since you're reading it. So, here is what I've learned...or at least began to learn in 2012.
1. It's true, you do feel much better when you stop smoking. But, it's also true that even after a year, there are times you still want one....even if it's only for a second or two
2. Weight loss surgery is NOT an easy fix. It's hard work and I battle every day with changing my negative food thoughts and behaviors. But, it does get easier.
3. Getting frustrated becasue you can't eat what others are having is normal. Crying and yelling at your husband for eating pizza in front of you is PMS.
4. Fiber is CRITICAL after WLS
5. Stalls are normal...even if they last for a while
6. Getting down for being in a stall is just as normal....but remember number 5!
7. My weight loss is not like anyone else's. There are people who have lost more or not as much in the same amount of time.
8. Going from a tight size 26-28 to a good fitting 16 feels better than any food can taste
9. Taste buds change....which can be good and bad.
10. Pulling out my clothes from the dryer and having to double check to make sure they are mine due to how small they look is the coolest thing about doing laundry
11. Sex is better....and it was really good before hand
12. Raging hormones can make you a b***h to live with so make sure you live with someone who truly loves you.....I'm lucky because I would have divorced me if I were my husband
13. Make up sex while having raging hormones is even better than better
14. My boobs hang low....(cue my "hang low song"....for all those who have read my prior blogs)
15. I miss my boobs...and my butt.
16. Surgery can give me my boobs back and I'll still be thin....sounds better than having perky, big boobs right now.
17. Onions don't sit well with me anymore
18. I fart....a lot since surgery.
19. I really hope that stops soon....but not as much as my husband does
20. I have a rabbit living in my colon....and we've learned to live together
21. Pain after surgery isn't as bad as I thought it would be...and they didn't give me the right meds to deal with the pain
22. Walking is the best thing to do to get gas out
23. I am not perfect and sometimes I eat things that I shouldn't...but I don't eat much
24. Alcohol has a WHOLE different affect on me now.....that can be good or bad...good for me, bad for hubby who doesn't like me tipsy. LOL
and last but not least
25. Laughing through all the ups and downs is the only thing that can keep you sane
So, with all these little tid bits learned, I plan to go into the new year with an open mind and a willingness to continue to make positive changes, the knowledge to know I'm not perfect, and strength to say no to the bad food (most of the time). I hope you all are able to do the same.
Happy New Year everyone.....here's to a safe, happy, and healthy year ahead.
Now for some funny stuff.....LOL
Have to remember to eat so that I don't look like this in the New Year!!!
Have to remember not to eat too much so this doesn't happen....again....LOL
Most importantly, I have to remember to be happy with who I am...on the inside and out.
Merry Christmas Everyone. Ok, I'm a day late and a dollar or two short but it's the thought that counts. Hope you all enjoyed a wonderful day with family and friends. I had a very interesting and different Christmas than I normally have...but I have to say, it seemed to end with wonderful memories and a great story to tell when I'm old and frail.
So, my day started tthe same as it normaly does on Christmas. Nothing really exciting. Due to finacial reasons, my husband and I did not exchanged gifts so there was no "under the tree excitment" to be had here. Not that it's a bad thing at all. We've always said that as long as we have each other, we don't need much else. I mean having a roof over our heads is REALLY nice and I wouldn't want to give it up but if we had to...well, then we would have to figure something out...TOGETHER.
Now, my normal day consists of going to my parent's house for Christmas dinner with my sister and her family (husband and four children). I was really looking forward to the family time until I made the call to my parents to wish them a merry Christmas. What do I hear? Phlem!! Lots and lots of it. Not only can my mother barely talk, I hear my father in the back ground doing the same thing. Long story short....Christmas at the Morgan's is CANCELED unltil further notice. So, my husband and I venture out to find something to cook for dinner. I didn't have anything that would rise to occasion of a "Christmas Meal" so I figured i would go get either lamb, prime rib, or a ham...yes, I know one of these things is not like the other...but hey, at least it's not CHICKEN!!!! LOL
So, we go store to store...meaning we went to two (we live in a small town) and much to my surprise, they were closed. We even went by our 24-7 Walmart and that was closed too. HUMMMM...now what? Again, we take a mental inventory of what we have in the freezer....CHICKEN...and maybe some hamburg. Neither seems worthy of a Christmas feast. So, I get an idea...let's see if the Chinesse place is open today. Sure enough it is. Yippie. Looks like we will have our own version of "A Christmas Story" this year.
So, around 2 I call and place our order. Not sure why I odered so much but I am sure my husband can handle most of it. I also figured due to my Christmas day food intake already, i would be able to pack more than normal away in my little tummy. I am still not sure where all the extra room came from. So, we changed our clothes so that we wouldn't be eating in our P.J's, took the five mile drive to the Chinesse store and picked up our food. Once home, my hubby set the table (as best he could at the last minute) and we sang...."Fa Ra Ra Ra Ra, Ra Ra, Ra, Ra." I figured it would be very insensitive to ask the people at the resturaunt to sing "Deck the Halls" like in the movie...I mean it is a complete stereotype and I in no way wanted (or want) to offend anyone. Then, we ate...and laughed...and talked. We talked about how sometimes the best memories come from an unexpected change of plans. And to be honest...I agree.
After dinner, we enjoyed a bottle of wine and some ciders. Took some photos and watched "A Christmas Story." Around 9:30, I went to bed with a full tummy, a fuzzy head, and a huge smile on my face. Don't get me wrong, i would have loved to spend the day with my family and I wish they weren't sick...but it's nice to have a story to tell for years to come.
I hope you all made your own memories yesterday and I hope they were good ones. Merry Christmas everyone!!!
This was our Christmas Feast....notice, there is no peaking duck
This is my meal...and no, I didn't finish it all. LOL
Me Showing off my Husband't "lighting skills' (3rd floor) Also, I find it so funny that when I saw this photo I was like, "WOW, I'm thin!!!" And, I said that while wearing sweats that were two sizes too big, a huge oversized sweat shirt, and a bulky coat...again...too big. Funny how times have changed. LOL
And of course, the chopstick shot
Last one...Me by the tree
I am not going to make any comments....though I have a few. Just a little back story. This was taken in my home town, by me. I was at the bank and looked over and saw it. couldn't believe my eyes. What are your thoughts? Am I the only one that thinks there is something REALLY wrong with this?
same photo....in case you can't see the smaller one:
Today we are going to talk about the high price of gas. Not the kind you buy at the pump, but the kind we expel from our bodies. Don't pretend like you don't fart...we all do. And, if you've had WLS, you are probably like me and have more gas now than you have EVER had in your life. I am not sure if it's the extra vitamins, the fiber, or just the fact of the surgery, but my gas and bloating has increased 1000xs. If you don't believe me, you can ask my husband...and my chiropractor (more on that later).
Now, I grew up in a home where farts weren't something that were hidden. I mean we learned to have some respect about them. Don't do it in public, or in front of company, and if you can, leave the room before you release your gas out of respect to the others in the room. We also learned that it was something that EVERYONE does. Except my sister....but I still swear she's lying through her beautiful teeth. It's not something to be ashamed of, but you still shouldn't just let one rip in the middle of a restaurant or a store. Or even worse, be one of those people who does the silent by deadly ones and then acts like it's someone else's and complains about about the smell (yes, I'm talking about you, oh hubby of mine)
After surgery, we all learn the need to expel the gas in our bodies any way we can. It helps with the healing process and we're told it's a good thing. Also, after surgery, they don't really stink so no matter how loud or silent. That is no longer the case.
After almost eight months, I have learned that no matter what, I am now a fart machine. I can no longer hold then like I could before surgery. Hell, sometimes I don't even know they are looking for a way out until POOF....and there I stand or sit looking just as shocked as everyone else. I fart in public, even when I try so hard not to. I fart in my sleep. I fart in the morning, afternoon, and evening. And, to make it worse, I no longer have those no smell farts. Nope, now I have the ones that should be bottled and sold to the US military as a gas agent. It's worse than mustard gas. I know, I made some once...not on purpose. My cat peed outside the litter box and I thought the best way to deal with it was to pour bleach on it and then wipe it up. WRONG. My eyes began to burn, my throat became itchy and tight, I even became light headed. I literately had to leave and wait for about an hour before I could return to finish cleaning.......YES, that is now what I can produce off 10 oz of food a day at most. And since I know there is no way I am alone here, I decided to tell you a few funny stories.
1. The Best Alarm Clock Ever Made
The other night, my husband fell asleep on the couch. This is nothing new as he seems to think that the T.V. + couch =sleep. So, I continued to watch the movie that I had on. Around an hour and half after he dozed off, I felt it. The need to let some gas out. I knew I had been lucky all day and they had not been foul smelling so i figured that since he was asleep, I would not leave the room (which I do try to do since I had surgery). So, Poof....there it is. And within seconds, I smell it. It was the worst smelling fart of my life. It didn't just say hello and leave. No, it became an unwelcome guest and decided to stay and watch the show with me. Now, to make matters worse, my husbands head was closer to my backside than my front side. Our couches are in an L shape and I was leaning the other way. Therefore, this fart was a dead bulls-eye for my husbands face. "Stay asleep, Stay asleep" I kept thinking over and over. Then I saw it. The twitch of his nose, the squint of his eyes....the toss and turn....and BAM, he's awake. Now, I didn't say anything at first. But after about 2mins, he says, "I am so sorry i must have been really gassy in my sleep. It stunk so bad it woke me up from a dream!" Now, I have an out. Do I take it and tell him it's alright and it happens to all of us? NOPE. I fess up. His response, "Oh thank goodness, I was wondering when my farts became so deadly!!" Yes, that's right, I out farted a man and even he admitted that my fart was worse than ANY he had ever had. I hate to agree with him, but I think he's right.
2. The Chiropractor (the day after the alarm clock fart)
So, as you can imagine, I'm still gasy and they still smell horrible. But, i still went to my chiropractic appointment becasue to be honest, I needed a really good crack. Now, before I went back, the doctor, receptionist and I were chatting and I tell a story about when I let out a small toot in my old chiropractor's office (no smell) and how embarrassed I was. I must have said I'm sorry a million times. We all got a good laugh and when I was called back, I told myself that no matter what, i was not allowed to let gas out any hole...no matter what!!! So, we do the adjustment and she goes to put these blocks under my thighs (they help alignment) and right then, poooooffff. It was silent and that scared me to death. So, i knew I had to fess up. I mean come on, if it was even half of what the one yesterday was like then they wouldn't be able to use that room for days. So, I told her. I turned red. I told her about waking up my husband and that if it stinks, I am SOOOOOO Sorry. She laughed and finished up with me and even thanked me for my honestly. Apparently most people don't even say anything.....like she won't know it was them. LOL. Well, I thought I was off the hook. i thought for sure it was odorless. So as I was grabbing my keys and phone, I hear my doctor say this, "So-and-So, can you please go spray down that room once Trish leaves?" i am not sure how I managed to make it out of there with any dignity. Lucky for me I have a very good doctor with a wonderful sense of humor. That is the only reason I'm not looking for a new doc to crack my back now.
So, I have finally given in to the fact that I am a gassy woman. No matter how hard I try, i can no longer be lady like all the time. I know I can't be the only one of us out there with stories like this....so what's your most embarrassing gas story since surgery? I would love to know...or else I'm just going to feel like an all alone fart queen. And, that's one title NO woman wants.....EVER!!!!
Last Friday I went into my old place of work to see my old workers and co-workers. Despite the stress of the job, I have to admit, I really liked what I did and the people I worked with. Some of these people haven't seen me at all since my weight loss. Others have not seen me in a few months. So, it was interesting to see the looks on people's faces when I came in. Most would scream in delight to see me and then focus on my weight loss. I heard so many positive things that I felt like I should go up there once a month just to get the support. I was surprised that I didn't get any mean comments or people who were passive aggressive about it. To be honest, i really expected it with a few people.
The shock on everyone's face was so extreme that it made me start thinking, "was I really THAT big before?". Well, one of my old workers had a photo of me (a couple actually) from my wedding shower. I took a good look at them and I have to admit, I was HUGE. I am not sure why I thought I wasn't that big. I mean when it was taken I weighed around 290. But like I have said before in my blog, I never felt fat. I mean, I knew i was I just didn't let that run my life. I refused it to get me down. There were times it did, but at a whole, I was happy. Don't get me wrong, I would have been much happier if I was a size a 10 but we can't always get what we want (according to the Rolling Stones anyway).. But, even though I was happy with who I was, I knew I would be much happier if I wasn't on all the meds i was on for my medical issues. At my age, it really bothered me to have to so many pills daily. That's one big reason I had the surgery....and now I am off them off (except my pain meds) and much happier with myself.
Now, as I was driving home I started thinking. Why is it that no matter how content we are with our body (big or small), we always feel so much better about ourselves when we have people give us that double take look. Sure, it's better when it comes from the opposite sex, but even getting it from the same sex can put an extra bounce in your step. It sure did for me. Does that make me one of "those people". You know the kind. The ones that strive for the double take, especially from the opposite sex (or same sex if that's your thing). Am I turning into the girl that I've always made fun of/ You know the one. The one who always looks great. Who bats her eyelashes too much, shakes her but even when there is no music on, and always wheres a push up bra and a low cut shirt only to bend over in front of the person they want to get a reaction from? The more I thought about it, the more I was positively sure the answer was NO!!!!
Just for a laugh...hope you like it. Reminds me of Joey from "Friends"
Those girls don't have high self esteem and need to get reassurance from people who are only looking at their body. I am far from that woman. I am the woman who my whole life never felt like men found her attractive. I am the girl who was only asked out once in high school and to be honest, i am still not sure if that was a date or not. I am the girl who's self esteem through all that stayed very high (thanks to my wonderful parents) and I was able to see the difference between outer beauty and inner beauty. And, I didn't need someone to want me just to have a pretty girl on his arm. I wanted someone who wanted a pretty girl with brains and a sense of humor. It took me awhile to find that man, but when i did, i kept him close.
But, with all that said, I am human. I like to be admired. I like to be looked at in a way that says, "Damn she's hot!". I mean let's be honest. Who wouldn't? So, I will continue to bask in the glory of the double takes and smiles, the positive feedback, and the flirting that happens from men I've known for years. I will take it all in and then come home to a my husband and tell him how happy I am to have in in my life. A man who loves me for every part of me....big or small....crazy or sane....pensive or talking his ear off for hours....yes, that's the person for me. And as I have done for 11 years, i will always do a double take when he walks in the room and wonder, "Damn, how did I get so lucky?"
For those of you who do not read my blog all the time, I'm going to a quick catch up. I have chronic lower back pain with nerve damage the causes my legs to become numb and at times feel like electricity is running through them. There are days I can not walk with out assistance. Every day is bad but some are much worse than others. I have been dealing with this pain for around 18 years and for the record I am only 38. So, if your math is correct, I was 20 when all this started out of nowhere.
Now, I didn't tell you all that to get a pity party. I hate people feeling bad for me. I rarely feel bad for myself. I am telling you this to so you can understand my doctor story that I am getting ready to tell. Hope you enjoy it.
On Friday, I went for my mandatory (per federal law) doctor's apt. Due to the pain meds I'm on, I have to see him every three months or I can not get my meds. What the federal government doesn't understand is that pain has a mind of it's own. It can take over at any time and cause me to to have to obey it's wishes of not moving much or I could end up face down on the floor after falling for trying to ignore Mr. Pain and do somethings that need to be done.
So, Thursday night, Mr. Pain showed himself. He made sleeping near impossible. He laughed at me when i told him to go away with the meds i had. He also thought it would be fun to allow me to sleep for thirty minutes but have to wake up becasue I was in so much pain in my dream I thought I was dieing. Oh Mr. Pain, I really do love you. You have become such a fixture in my life that I am not sure what life would be like without you. However, I would do almost anything to find out.
On Friday morning, I called the doctor's office to see if I could reschedule the apt. I had already rescheduled from Thursday due to financial reason but I had called them two weeks prior so I really didn't think it would be an issue. That's when I heard the secretary say, "I see you already changed your apt. Becasue of that, you will have to get permission from the doctor's nurse to reschedule. She will call you asap." I'm sorry, did you just say I needed to get "Permission"? I am grown adult not a five year old child asking for a cookie!! Becasue Mr. Pain was having a party in my back and legs and almost my whole body by this point I wasn't even going to argue with the secretary. So, i waited. Sure enough she called me and told me she couldn't "allow me to do that" WHAT?? Again, becasue of Mr. Pain doing the Congo Line now, I begged. I live an hour and a half away. I was going on at most 2 hours of sleep. She again said she couldn't. Next week is a holiday and they were already double booked all week. I explained I would come in at any day or time she gave me but again, I HAD to come in today or I would not get my meds next month. I began sobbing on the phone. Not from pain (though I am sure Mr. Pain did have a little say in the amount of tears I shed) but from the frustration, lack of sleep, and the thought of having to drive that distance. Through my sobs I told her I would be there.
My husband who had been up all night with me offered to drive me up there. But I couldn't ask him to do that to himself. He needed rest too. So, I thanked him, got dressed and hobbled out the door. I screamed as I climbed in to the truck and forced back the tears that were attempting to ruin any makeup I managed to get on my eyes. So, I turned on the music, and tried to focus on anything other than Mr. Pain doing the maranga in my back now with all his friends.
Once at the doctor's office, I was taken to the room very quickly and seen just as fast. I guess the tears kind of worked. I explained that my extended release medication did not work for the whole 12 hours and that becasue it only worked for 8 , I asked if I could take it three times a day. He didn't feel comfortable doing that so he decided to up my extended release. He also wanted me to take an X-ray to see if there had been any changes since I had some flare ups in the past three months. He was very concerned that I had fractured it. Great!!! That would just be the icing on the cake. Mr. Pain would be so happy to finally have cake for all his pain buddies. That meant he would be wired and able to stay going for days at a time!!!
So, X-Ray is completed and I am waiting for the doctor to come in the room. Once he walks in, the first words out of his mouth are, "Oh my. Oh my, Trish. This is not good at all." My response, "Doctor M. That exactly what every patient wants to hear come out of their doctor's mouth after an X-Ray." He then brings it up on the computer. Now, so you know, over the years I have become very good at reading back X-rays and back MRIs. I have had so many of them done and I pay attention to what the doctors tell me. So, he asks me if I can see L5S1 (the last lumbar disc in you back). NOPE...WHERE IS IT? The whole thing is going. My back is now bone on bone and rubbing together and chipping away every time i walk or move. He then proceeds to tell me, "Your pain is definitely real. You must be able to deal with a lot of pain if you're able to deal with this." I then explained that I have been feeling the bones rub together for some time now.....and I told him this for the past year!!!!!! But I'm not a doctor so hey, what do I know? He then tells me to go to U of Penn Hospital and get a Neuro and Orthro opinion on surgery and other treatment options. However, his eyes said it all.......there wasn't anything they could do but hey, at least I looked into it. He then gives me a script for my new meds, and one for one Valium. That is for the MRI he wants me to get...a closed one!!!! I think I can handle it, but becasue of my history with these machines, he kind of wanted to knock me out! LOL
So, Mr. Pain now has the doctor's attention. He's had mine for years. He is still having that party in my back today. I knew he would be due to the drive up there yesterday. Hopefully becasue Mr. Pain has been on a three day Rager, he will be so exhausted he will go hibernate for a little bit so i can get some relief. Now, i know Mr. Pain well enough to know that even if he leaves, he will still keep his foot in the door so i know he's never fully leaving. Trust me, I will feel his night terrors on my back and legs...my my pain won't be as bad. So, Mr. Pain, I am glad you've had a good few days but it's time for you and your buddies to go home so we can all get some rest and I can maybe not go insane from the lack of sleep and the horrible pain that medicine is barely touching. I would really appreciate it. Maybe, next time you show up I'll let you do your rendition of "Stomp the musical" with out me taking any medicine to slow you down...but only if you give me at least three days off from you. Mr. Pain, please babe....we need a little break and I promise, when we get back together you will have the time of your life!!!
So many things change when we lose weight. Things we don't even realize until it's been going on awhile. For example, the way I sleep next to my husband. I no longer take up the majority of the bed. I can lay with my head on his shoulder and my leg wrapped around him without worrying that I am going to kill him with my weight. Or how about hugs. My husband's arms wrap so far around me, I feel like he's holding a different girl than he used to. There is also the shower and being able to reach areas I couldn't get to before. And let's not forget underwear...yes, underwear. Befoe surgery, my uderwear was too small for me. I mean it fit, but it didn't fit correctly. I just refused to go up in size. Now, it all hangs on me. There is nothing like putting on a thong and having the crotch flap around becasue they are just that big on you but, the big one for me is laundry. Yes, laundry. I know it sounds strange, but hear me out...or at least read me out.
Now being fat, we learn little tricks to help us feel a little better about ourselves. We learn that wearing black and other solid earth tone colors helps us feel better about ourselves and can take off a few pounds. We learn what styles work with our bodies and how not to wear a light color up top as it makes us look bigger all around. There are so many little tricks that we learn from magazines and friends and to be honest, i am not sure if any of them work that well. Another HUGE one is to lay on the bed to get the hanger to hook into the zipper of the jeans to pull them up and button them. The key was if you were able to sit up after you did this. Sometimes i couldn't even bend at the waist and would have to roll off the bed and get help to stand up. I'm still not sure how I thought I looked good in pants that tight and painful but at least the number on them said size 10, 12, 14....or where ever I was at the time. Sure they may have been a size or two too small, but i didn't care. Funny thing is, that once you wedge yourself in pants like that, you end up with a huge fat roll in your mid section. This can not be hidden so you must wear a very baggy shirt and hope no one tries to hug me or that I don't get caught in a big wind where it forces my shirt back and my roll to be seen by all.
Oh the fun times of being over weight and aiming to look thin. But the biggest most used trick in the book comes during the cleaning phase. As we all know, bigger people don't dry clothes on the dryer. Or at least we don't dry most clothes in the dryer. I can't recall the last time before my surgery that i dried my shirts in the dryer. We all know shirts shrink in the dryer!!! So, why would I put them in there when i could hang them up on a hanger and allow them to air dry....but only after I have stretched out them out with my hands. That way, when i put them on, i can feel as though they are getting to big for me for me even though I KNOW that's not true.
So, imagine my surprise after surgery when I started noticing that the clothes i was hanging up were getting too big for me! So, I decided to take the plunge. I decided to dry the shirts and sweatshirts that have NEVER seen the inside of a a dryer. I figured that of they didn't fit when they came out, I could always re-wash them and stretch them back out again as they dried on a hanger. So, I took the step from the washer machine to the dryer and placed my wet shirts in there. After what seemed liked forever, I pulled them out to inspect the damage. To my shock and awe, there was none. Not only did they still fit, they were still to big for me. Another crazy thing I noticed was that even my new jeans weren't tight after they were washed and dried. That has never happened to me!!! They fit me just like they did when I bought them. So, is this what it's like to wear the correct size for you? How crazy is that? I never knew this is how the other side lived. LOL
To be completely honest, there are a couple of things I can't bring myself to dry. They are new sweatshirts. I don't know if it's just habit or if it's becasue I like the way they fit and I don't want them to shrink. I do know that I don't stretch them out at all when I hang them up and I've even thrown them in the dryer for a few mins to warm them up prior to wearing them with out any issues. But I still can't make that step from the washer to the dryer with those things. Maybe once I lose a few more pounds and they get a little bigger, i will be able to do it but for now, i am happy with the progress I've made. I am also happy with the lack of sore, red marks around my stomach from squeezing into those jeans i was talking about earlier. That is one thing I will never miss!!!
So, what major changes have you noticed that have surprised you? I would love to hear about them. Come on people, comment and let me know you're actually reading these things I'm writing....also, let me know I'm not the only one going through these crazy changes and you can relate. I need to know I'm not alone here.
NOTE: Before I start this blog, there are a couple of things you should know. The first, the photo is NOT of me. It is a random curvy attractive woman on the web. I was going to put a photo of myself on here from tonight, but my husband thought it was a tad too reveling...So, I colored out my breasts and posted one at the end of the blog. LOL..... Second, in an attempt to take a photo of my sexy self, my husband almost ended up in the ER last night....more on that later.... LOL Lastly, every time I attempt to surprise my husband in a sexy way, SOMETHING goes wrong, Tonight was no different.
A LITTLE BACK STORY........
Saturday night I was headed out with the girls. I borrowed a pair of jeans from my niece (size 16, which I haven't been in since I was in H.S.), I borrowed a pair of shoes from my sister (my only shoes I own are the kind people wear on comfy days....translation, heals and bad backs don't go together) and I bought a new shirt that when I tried on and looked at myself, I have to admit took me awhile to accept that the person staring back at me in the mirror when I tried it on was really ME. But since I had been made fun of the weekend prior for wearing clothes that were WAY too big for me, I figured it was time I took the plunge. And according to the neck line on the my new shirt, i did just that!
So, once I got my friends overwhelming approval, we headed out. My husband was already out with some of his friends and said he would stop by the bar before he headed home for the night. I knew he would like what I had on, and I couldn't wait to show off to him. Sure enough, as soon as we got there, he pulled in the parking lot. As I walked up him, he took one look at me and turned and walked the other way. HOLD ON A MINUTE!!!! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE???!!! I thought for sure he would LOVE my outfit. It hit my curves in all the right ways, showed off the three things he likes most on me....my boobs (that's two) and my butt (number three).
Now, my husband is a very shy. He's a geek, nerd, dork (whatever word you feel more comfortable using here) and since I know him as well as I do, I knew exactly what happened. He took one look at me, thought I looked amazing, didn't know how to respond so he tried to act like nothing was different. Even when I asked him his thoughts, all I got was a, "You look nice." AGGGGHHHHHH, really? Nice? That's all you have for me? Good thing I love you and I know you love me!. But still, that doesn't take away a girl's need to see "that look in his eyes" and that "little smile" that comes out when a man l;ooks at you and thins you're the "cat's meow". Not sure where the meow thing came from...not soemthing I say EVER!!!
Well, the place was too crowded for him and he decided to continue home. I got many approving looks from men of all ages and shapes and sizes. To be honest, I even got some approving glances from females as well. Nice to know both sexes found me attractive. The bathroom was where I received the overwhelming approval of my female sisters. I was told I looked hot with out looking slutty.....(every girl's goal when she goes out...unless she's a street walker) That means i somehow managed to have the approval of everyone that night....except it seemed my husband.
So, when I came home feeling all frisky (and a little tipsy) , I was a shocked to find Scott asleep on the sofa. Once he woke up, I made him very aware of how his lack of interest in me made me feel. I also let him know that the only person i was out to impress was him and he seemed to be the least impressed of anyone who looked me up and down. Men I tell you. Because I was tipsy and hurt, I didn't really give him time to respond, i just laid it all out and then went and changed my clothes for bed. By the time i was done, he was in bed snoring again.
So, the next night, I decided to surprise him. I dressed up in a very sexy outfit for his eyes only. I had on fish nets, a garter, a black lace bra, a black mini skirt, the shirt I bought from the night before. and then topped off with a nice pair of heals with a thicker heal So, I kind of looked like a high end street walker....or a wife trying to spice things up. Even Scott seemed impressed with what I pulled together. Now, due to Scott and my back being bad yesterday, i didn't expect anything to happen....ok, maybe I was thinking something MIGHT happen.....I was just trying to get the response from him that i didn't get the night before. And trust me, I got it!! I even got some jumping up and down and screaming as well.
I have to say, that for the first time in years not only did I look and feel sexy, I looked and felt thin. To capture this moment, I asked that he take a couple of photos of me in my new sexy/slutty outfit. I was completely covered and planned to stay that way for every photo. Now, for the record, I wasn't planning on posting them on Facebook or anything....it was more just just him and I.. Then it happened. That moment I KNEW to expect. Everything was going well so there was no reason for me to think anything could ruin it On the contrary, I should have thought, "What is going to go wrong since things had been so well?" Yes, becasue if I had thought like that, the next thing that happened would haven't come as such a shock to me.
As my husband was doing something (I honestly don't remember why he was even near me) somehow, he last two toes found their way under the heal of my shoe (remember they are a thicker heals) just as I put all my weight down on that foot. The screech I heard coming from him was that of a small animal getting hurt by a human. As he jumped out of the bedroom to the living room on his one good foot, curse words escaping his mouth at every jump, I could tell he was in horrible pain. The more I looked at the swollen, bruised toe on his foot, the more obvious it became to me that I was not made to be sexy. i was not made to be accident free. I was definitely made not to seduce.
So, my sexy evening did end up with us both of us in bed alright...just not the way i planned. He was laying there with his leg elevated and with ice on it as I (now im sweatpants and a tee) lied next to him saying how sorry I was for breaking his toes . But at least we are now laughing at the craziness of the evening. You see, my husband and I always seem to hurt one another whenever we are trying to do soemthing fun and exciting. I have dislocated his shoulder numerous times while we played wrestled, I have broken nails playing around, and even once gave myself a concussion while attempting to be sexy for him. So, funny sexy mess ups are normal for us. Apparently we can't have seduction in our lives without having a little pain...or at least an attempt of the seduction. I am not surprised one of us hasn't ended up in the hospital yet (Ive come close....the time of the concussion) . I think the only reason is that we don't want to explain the ER doc that the reason we're there is because I'm a accident waiting to happen and when you throw trying to be sexy in the mix,,,,,it's a lethal combination. LOL
So, with all that.....are we the only couple that attempts to kill each other as we try to get frisky or do you have the same issues? I would love to hear your funny, painful stories...if you can remember them after the bang to the head!!! Sp [;ease comment and let me know Scott and and I are not alone!!!!!
NOTE ABOUT PHOTOS.....I AM SO SORRY ABOUT HOW DIRTY THE MIRROR IS. IT'S THE FIRST THING TO BE CLEANED WHEN I"M DONE HERE!!!!!!!!!
The Red Out (translation boobs covered shot of me)
Just my face without three chins!!'
The Killer Shoes
Today's post isn't about weight loss. It's about me and my husband learning to adjust to living with cats. First, you have to understand that neither he nor I are cat people. Please, let me explain. In 1997. after graduating from college, I got a dog. Bear (I didn't name him), was black lab, boarder collie mix. He was full of life and the most loving animal I have ever known. I found Bear in a local paper and when I left to go look at him, my mother's last words to me were, "DO NOT bring him home if he's nothing but a ball of energy!". So, I set off to take a look at this dog that I more than likely wouldn't bring home. All I knew was he was between three and four years old and he was a black lab mix.
Once I got to the home, this big bouncing ball of fur pounced out the door and on to me. All he wanted was to to be played with and loved on. There was something about him that told me I couldn't leave him there. So, after assuring the owner he was in good hands and giving my vet. references, I said the magic words, " Wanna go bye-bye?" That was it. He took off towards my car in a full stride. By the time I caught I up to him, I could see him sitting by the car door, tail wagging, and what to me looked like a smile on his face. To be honest, I felt really bad for the owner, who was in tears. I could tell she loved this dog. The only other thing I knew was that she was going through a tough divorce and that she could not have Bear in her new place. So, with another jump, he was in my back seat and we were off to my house.
Once home, many things became obvious. The first was that he had not come from a loving and caring home. I believe the woman did love and try to care for him, but he was scared to death of men. My father would try to play with him and he would whimper and hide. The same thing would happen if my father or anyone would try to throw food to him. Other than these signs, he was a loving, caring, empathetic creature who seemed to be very happy to be in his new home.
Over the years, Bear and I moved on. He watched me go on many dates and never seemed to give any of the men the time of day. If I would have a date over, Bear would stay near me, but he would never engage anyone. That is until my husband. On our first date, we ended back at my place to play Trivia Pursuit. I later found this was a test of my intelligence....thank goodness I passed. It was when Scott sat down that the strangest thing happened. Bear, jumped up on the couch and placed his head in Scott's lap. It was as thought Bear was trying to tell me to give this one a chance. To be honest, I am not sure if it wasn't for Bear if I would have even thought about going out with him again. I guess there are just somethings dogs know that we don't.
That brings me to 10 years later. Scott and I are living together and I am an hour away visiting my parents when I receive a text message. It's a photo of Scott holding this tiny orange kitten. Now, i wasn't too shocked as even though we are no cat people, we are humane. This kitten had been outside in the cold for awhile. We had been feeding it and even gave it a safe, warm place to sleep. Apparently, that wasn't good enough. While my husband was getting firewood, this kitten decided to walk right inside, past the dog, and jump up on the couch and take a nap. Despite my attempts to find a home for him, he seemed to nudge his way in our lives and hearts. It took a little longer for Bear to be as open with him but once they learned to live together, things were fine.
Then, a year later, my husband and I are watching T.V. when we hear what sounds like a baby screaming. Because at the time, we lived in a not so nice place, we allowed the sound to go on for a few minutes. When we knew it wasn't going to stop, it dawned on us that it wasn't a child but a kitten making this heart wrenching noise. Sure enough, when we opened out front door, we found a kitten, around four to five weeks old. It had been thrown down the steps to our door. In the process, it had broken it's leg, busted three teeth, and peed itself. Needless to say, we couldn't allow it to suffer. So, as i went to get food for the little thing, my husband (a trained EMT), reset the kitten's leg and wrapped it. Bear became very protective of Bandit (the new cat) from the moment she came in our house. I think he knew she was abused and he remembered what that was like. Bear refused to leave her side and though he was too old to jump up on the bed to lay next to her, he did stand guard next to the bed. Every time she would jump down to use the bathroom or explore, Bear was right there to watch out for her.
Then a year later, when Bear was 19 1/2, yes you read that right, he passed away from a brain tumor. When we brought home his ashes, Bandit curled up next to him and refused to leave his side. She became his protector and it was obvious she missed him. This was the most heart wrenching and loving thing I have ever seen.
Now, all that was to tell you this. Though my husband and I are not cat people, these two cats really did help us through the loss of our dear friend, Bear. However, it is times like this morning where I wonder if maybe we should have tried a little harder to find another home for them. Let me explain.
It's 3am. My husband and I are all cozy asleep in bed when Hunter (the orange cat) decided he wants to walk on us and kneed us. In my half awake state, I move him down towards my feet and begin to fall back asleep. I can feel him walking on the bed again, but since I'm almost back in REM state, I don't really care. Then I hear it. The blood curdling screams from the man I love. Apparently, Hunter, decided to use my husband's chest as a scratching post. Trust me, it's bad enough to be scratched by a cat but it's even worse when you're dead asleep and get woken up by razor sharp nails digging into your chest and face. The words I hear coming from the half asleep man next me are too risque to type here, but I am sure you can all get an idea of what he said. So, as my husband gets out of bed to care for the gashes in his chest and face, I have to smile. Not becasue my husband was hurt, but becasue I know that with out these two animals in our lives, I am not sure how we could have ever handled Bear passing away as well as we did. It's funny, we thought we were saving them, but in reality, they saved us......now if I could just get them to behave more like dogs we'd all be happier and my husband would be less scared.
My body is going crazy. it can't make up it's mind about what size it wants to be. Only two days ago, I was 10lbs lighter....yes, 10lbs. Now, I know this all water weight but it still sucks. I thought maybe I over ate too much during my BPDs (big pouch days) the past two days, but according to myfitnesspal.com, I didn't go that overboard. So, that means one of two things. I am getting more lean muscle or I am getting ready have a visit from Aunt Flow. Either way, I am fine with it. I am just getting frustrated with staying over 200lbs. My goal was to be at least 199 by Christmas, and I really don't see that happening.
I hate to admit that I concern myself about the numbers on the scale, but I do. The sane person in me can see I'm losing inches and that all of my clothes are way to big for me. I am seeing bones I never knew I could show and I'm excited to say that out of all the chins I've had in the past, I like this single one the most. BUT....there is always a BUT.....I want the scale to go down regularly (or at least stay on the same number). Nope, that's not me. My scale jumps around more than a child skipping rope. It's always between 5-10lbs, but still, no one wants to get to a number only to weigh themselves a few days later and see that that number has jumped up in a attempt to do a slam dunk for the winning points of a playoff game.
I know not to let this get me down, but it still does. Even though my food intake doesn't change much from day to day, I start thinking, "what can I eat less of today?" Why can't I just look at myself and say, "Look how far you've come" ? Are we so mentally damaged form years of being overweight that we can't see the positives of how much we've lost already? Again, I KNOW my thoughts are not helping me but I can't help but think them. You know the ones, "I am going to fail at this." "I suck", "I'm still just a fat girl with no control".....there are so many more that I would take up this whole site but I refuse to allow them to take over completely. Instead, I am going to ban the scale for a couple of weeks. That's right, I am going to say so long to something so small making me feel so bad.
I've put a lot of thought in this and I am starting to think that the scale is my new drug of choice. Food used to do it for me, but not anymore. Now, I go to the scale to feel better even though sometimes it makes me feel worse. Think about it, we go from eating to feel good...then feeling really bad about what we ate to going to the scale to feel better. If the scale doesn't make us feel the way we want, we start getting down on ourselves. We start self doubting and trying to justify our actions or lack of them. We come up with excuses (my period is starting, It's water weight) and to be honest, these are probably right. However, none of this helps up feel better except seeing those numbers continuing to go down.
So I say farewell to the scale and the ups and downs it's given me (both physically and emotionality). My plan is to hand it over to my husband for two weeks and then check my weight again at that time. Then, if it hasn't changed then I know it's me and I have to make some changes....if it goes down, then maybe my love of the scale will come back....I hope not....it's worse than a bad relationship....nice to you one day and a pain in the but the next....and that's not something I look for in any relationship especially one I can't have an argument with.
A year ago, I would look at people who are the size I am now and think, "Oh, what I would give to be that size!". I just knew I would be full of confidence and that my self esteem would be flying high again. But, now that I am where I was striving to be a year ago (not thin but no longer obese), I'm still not happy with my body. Is this becasue society has told us what is beautiful so many times that we start to believe it? Or, is it much more simpler than that. Is it just that I'm not happy with my body as a whole? Why am I minimizing my success in my head? I know I'm not sabotaging myself, but I also know that when I look in the mirror now, there are parts of my body that I dislike even more now that I've lost weight. Now, before everyone blows up at me, let me explain.
I am 110lbs smaller than I was a year ago and aroun90lbs smaller since surgery six months ago. I can look and feel my body and I KNOW it has made tons of positive changes. i also know that even though I mess up with my food intake some times, I have made huge strides in that area as well. For example, this time of year in the past I would have had bough four bags of candy just for my husband and I. To be honest, I ate 3 1/2 of those! Now, I've been very careful. If I do eat a mini bar, it's only one or two for the day and then no more for awhile. I've learned that apples and peanut butter can taste just as good as a Reese's Cup....well, not AS good....but close enough. Plus, the apple doesn't make me feel bad about eating it when I'm done. I also try to exercise when my back will allow. Another huge step.
As for my body changes, the pouch over my "lady parts" is so much smaller that when I'm using the bathroom, I marvel that I can see certain parts again. (Sorry if that's TMI). I can now see the numbers on the scale with out having to bend my body all cockeyed when I weigh myself. My arms feel like little girls arms to me when I fold them across my chest and the best part is the way I fit into the area under my husband's arm when he puts it around me. For the first time, his arm goes all around me and can even go down part of my arm. For the first time ever, i feel like I can be that comforted woman in the arms of the man she loves. But, with all the good comes the bad. My boobs continue to try to make their way to the floor. If they continue on their trip, they will be there in a few months and I can turn them into cleaning tools as I walk around the kitchen floor!!! Also, they are much smaller, and I have to admit, I REALLY miss them. (If you read my blog lots, you can see that I say this all the time...I have always had a close relationship to my boobs!!! LOL). The skin under my lady parts and between my thighs continues to look like a bull dog's jowls. My tummy is now wrinkled and I can fold areas of skin and fat over on it. My arms have wings and to really just shock me, I noticed today that my face skin is hanging a little too. I swear, I know it's Halloween, but I do not have any desire to look like a walking melting wax figure!!!!!
So, I did what I do and asked myself, "Which would you prefer? Who you were six months ago or who you are now?" No question, hands down, The PERSON I AM NOW!!!!. So what's the problem you may ask? It's simple. I've been overweight my whole life and I always thought that if I lost weight I would have a killer body. But, becasue of my age and the length of time I've been fat (not to mention the inability to exercise the way I would like), my body didn't get my brain's memo and can't just fall back into place.....right now, it can only "fall". Because of this, it adds some negative thoughts in my head about how I look. Now, I know only I and my husband can see my body....and I'm lucky that he loves it the way it is.....but every person I know wants that tight, chest up, butt up, tones arm look!! But for now, I will have to rely on Spanks and the right clothes to hide all these changes....and trust me, I don't mind one bit.
Growing up in the mid Atlantic, I've learned to accept nor-easterns and hurricanes. I've dealt with them my whole life. I even remember helping my father tape up the windows so if they busted out, they wouldn't shatter. Delaware doesn't get a lot of news coverage, but when we make the NY Times, you know we're getting slammed. The arrow is very close to exactly where I live and have lived most of my life. In 1996, I was in N.C for Hugo (I think that's what it was named) and being like any college student, I spent the evening running around in the rain with no care about the lightening or the 100+ year oak trees on campus. I am sure the beer and other drinks didn't help me make good decisions but to be honest, I had a BLAST that night and wouldn't change a thing about it. Looking back, I can't believe I made it home alive that night. The crazy things we do when we are younger!!!!
However, none of my experiences could have prepared me for "Sandy". She's more exciting than Olivia Newton John at the end of Geese. The only difference, is this Sandy isn't moving as fast and it appears to be affecting more than only a few high school students. 800 miles wide!!! Moving around 17 miles an hour!!! Winds going from 25MPH up to 80+ by the end of it all. To put it in lay man's terms...this B*^@ch is CRAZY!!!!! She's pissed and she doesn't care who gets in her way. She's worse than any woman who's ever PMSed and far surpasses any woman, after WLS who's PMSing. I mean we can be really bad, but Sandy takes that and laughs at it. She's all hormonal. She had more hormones running through her system than any "person" should....and trust me, I don't like being directly in her path!!
So, for now, I sit and wait. We still have over 12 hours before she makes land fall and already our streets are filled with water. I have to admit, I ma very happy I live on the third floor right now. My only concern is this.....if (and I pray it's only an "IF") we lose power, what will I eat? Most of my protein comes from Lean Shakes and right now, I only have two left. I did cook some chicken breasts so that I can nibble on those if I need to. But the WORST part of this is cabin fever. All I want to do is eat. I know it's all in my head, but to be honest, that doesn't make it any easier. So far, I have ignored my cravings and done really well but I've only been locked in the house for a day....I don't know what will happen in a day or so. Then again, maybe I don't have much to worry about...since surgery, I haven't' really had much food in the house. That's something I'm starting to regret right about now....and so is my husband.
So, to all of you on the east coast of the U.S. who will be dealing with "Sandy". Stay safe!! Stay dry!!! And remember, nothing is more important than you and your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.
As a social worker I have counseled many different types of people. I have counseled teenagers (my favorite), young children, addicts, adults, families, relationships (well the people in them), and just about any other type of person you can think of. I facilitated one on one sessions as well as group sessions and I loved both. However, I did enjoy facilitating group counseling the most. Seeing the dynamics of a group and watching it come together to help everyone involved in the group is an amazing thing. I have also always been a true believer that group counseling works becasue people listen to others who are going through or have been through the same issues they are going through. As a counselor, it's not really professional for me to tell clients what I've experienced personally but in a group setting, once trust is developed, the pure honesty that comes from the participants is better than any counseling I can give one on one...no matter how good I am at my job...and trust me, I'm good!!! LOL
Now, after reading that, I am sure you will find it comical that I have never been a fan of group counseling for myself. Leading the group is one thing but being part of the group and being completely open and honest with people I don't know is something far different. It falls in the "Do as I say, not as I do" category. Now, mentally I know group therapy works. I know it's far better than any one on one counseling session. But I still have never been able to bring myself to be part of a group counseling session for any reason. This is why when my doctor gave me a schedule for the local weight loss surgery groups in my area I politely smiled, said "thank you" and then gently placed it in the the garbage can when she left the room. I'm a very strong woman and the thought of being in a group listening to people cry over not being able to eat that candy bar, or better yet, eating the candy bar that they bought (even though they KNEW it was bad for them) is not on the top of my list of fun ways to spend an evening. This journey is tough enough that I don't need to hear people wine every week about their cravings. We all have cravings....we all know how to deal with them....either find something else to do or give into it. If you chose to give into it DO NOT CRY over the melted chocolate and stringy caramel that is now smeared all over your face. Trust me, tears and melted chocolate DO NOT mix well. I know that from personal history. Add ice cream to the mix and you just have a big ole mess and no one wants ice cream with tears in it. The tears take away the pure sugary taste and add salt....not good I tell you (again, personal experience) I know I sound mean and rude, and I don't mean to. I am just being honest about how I feel about these things. If I offended anyone, please hear me out before you write me a hateful comment.
With all that out there, I still believe we all need some type of support to help us through this. If groups work for you than that is great. I know they work for many people and can be used as an amazing tool. If you get enough support from your family and friends then you are very lucky as many things I've read on this site have shown me that many families aren't supportive (even significant others who seem to almost work against the person who is going through this life change). I have been very lucky. I have great friends and an amazing family and husband that have given me more support than anyone could ask for. They are all great at seeing the weight loss and noticing the changes in my food choices. But, and this is a BIG but, they don't REALLY understand what it's like to go through this EVERY day. They don't understand the mental lashing we give ourselves if we didn't make it to the gym, or if we went over out calorie goal for the day (even if we only went over by 20 calories). And let's be honest, sometimes the ones closest to us just don't know how to say the right thing (as shown below)
Being overweight, we become very good at mentally abusing ourselves. No matter how big the smile on our face is, it's only hiding the constant negative thoughts bouncing around the rubber room known as the brain. "Why did I eat that?" "You're never going to lose weight", "Maybe I supposed to be fat since I haven't lost anything in a month".....and so many more. Some of the inner attack thoughts can get so bad that we end up sobbing only to tell anyone who asks that we're crying due to PMS. I mean who wants to admit to anyone (especially the people we love the most) that the surgery was the easiest part....it's the mental stuff that will take so much longer to overcome than the learning to eat properly.
So, being of semi sound mind and body, I have to admit....I found my own type of group counseling, and it works great for me!!! I am on Myfitnesspal.com and though it took me awhile to ask for "friends", I am so glad I did. It's amazing what having a group of people who are going through EXACTLY what I'm going through has done for me. Seeing others with the same thoughts and the same concerns makes me feel not as crazy. Also, having people who know how difficult this is, cheering you on for ever little step, is amazing. I truly feel as though I have found my "sisters in weight loss". They build me up when I'm having a bad day, they listen and answer questions (no matter how far out there), and I do the same for them. Having these relationships that are truly 50/50 has made this process so much easier. It's made me feel not as alone or misunderstood. I enjoy logging in to the site to log in my food intake and seeing how others are doing on their journey. I love reading their positive reinforcements that they leave for others and for me. I love being able to give them the same type of positive reinforcement. I love having support!!! It's even better when the support is better than any I've found from a bra since my surgery. No matter how hard I try, these suckers need more than an under-wire and some positive reinforcement from me to stay up and at attention. (Sorry for the side bar)
So, it's official, I'm a changed woman. I have found to love the one thing I was never a fan of (for me). By being open to it, I have made some great new friends and I feel like this people have my back...no matter how big or small it is. They are all amazing people who are doing exactly what I am....trying to get healthy and lose weight....and if in the process I meet some great new people....well, that's just a wonderful bonus and that's one dish I'll go back for seconds for every time!!!!
It's been six months since my doctor removed 85% of my stomach. Since then, I haven't had any regrets...unless you take in consideration the thought that went through my head when I woke up while they were removing my breathing tube. But I don't count that since I was all drugged up and not thinking straight. Also, having Nurse Hatchet didn't help matters. However, with fall here and winter around the corner, I have to admit, there are a times I miss it a little. Not much, only a little bit. Like, I wish I had 25% of my stomach instead of 15%. Now, before you all go jumping on my back allow me to explain.
Tonight for dinner I made homemade chicken and dumplings. Now, that's bad enough for a sleever but I had to add more temptation to the mix. I had to make corn bread from scratch as well. I mean come on, you can't have one with out the other. It's just not Southern!!!! No self respecting Southerner would make chicken and dumplings with out making cornbread. And, though I'm not quite Southern...I'm below the Mason-Dixon line, so I'm close enough. LOL Also, I started feeling bad for my husband. Since my surgery, his diet has consisted of PB&Js and chicken. Not at the same time. But considering he's a meat and potato man, it's been a hard six months for him. He considers it a treat if I stop at McDonald's for him. Which is VERY hard for me as the smell has always turned my stomach but after surgery it's even worse.
So, I decided that if I were going to make him eat chicken again, I would make something he enjoys. I thought I would be fine with it. I know I can have about 1/4 a cup (a little less) of the chicken and dumplings (mostly chicken...maybe one or two dumplings) and maybe a bite of two of the cornbread. The problem is, I had forgotten how much I love both of these things. This is one thing my tastes buds did not change their opinion of....which isn't a good thing. Why couldn't they find both as disgusting as they find Whey protein? Or better yet, like Whey protein and hate the other?
So, after a little nibble of cornbread (a very little nibble), I wanted to eat the whole pan! This is the first time in six months that I've wanted to just gorge myself. Then, top it off with the chicken and dumplings and I actually had the thought of, "Man, I wish I had my stomach right now!" WHAT??? Why am I thinking thoughts like this? I know I won't over eat any of this yummy stuff in my kitchen but the thought of, "I would if I could", crossed my mind more than once.
Now, the reason I find this so strange is that I have always been a carb fanatic. I loved bread and pasta. I could eat a whole loaf of fresh baked bread in one sitting with no bad feelings. However, since surgery, I haven't really craved either things. Don't get me wrong, there are times I will have a little less than a 1/2 slice of wheat bread, toasted, with some type of protein but most times, i don't even think about it. That was not the case today. Those simple carbs wanted me and I have to admit, I wanted them. The attraction is still there despite how far we have both moved on with our lives.
So, with all this said, it's a good thing I only have 15% of my tummy. Because no matter how good either look, smell or taste....I wouldn't give up my 100+ pound weight loss for either things. That doesn't mean I can't dream about them...and how yummy a big bowl of chicken and dumplings and two or three slices of homemade, buttery cornbread would taste.....yes, I can dream and lose weight or I can eat and slime and possibly stretch my tummy out. I'll take that dream and weight loss any day of the week and twice on Sundays.
So readers, have you had anything like this happen to you yet? I think for me it has more to do with fall and winter coming and what I consider "comfort" food. All the warm, cheesy, gooey, stick to your ribs (and add pound after pound to your weight) has always been one if not the only good thing about a cold winter day. Looks like I'm going to have to find something else to take it's place....let's just hope it's not more chicken. I think my husband will finally leave me if I don't come up with something new for us to eat. I swear if he found a woman who cooked like I used to, he'd be a little tempted to cheat on me just for the food. Just kidding....I know he would never do it JUST for the food. LOL
Six months ago today at this time I was laying in my hospital bed in so much pain I didn't know if I should cry or attempt to rip out my own stomach (or what was left of it). It look my husband going mad to get the doctor to understand that the meds they had me on were nothing when you take in consideration my nomal daily pain meds. Once he changed my meds I was much better. I remember wanting to sleep but being woken up every hour by the nurses. NOT FUN. I also remember wondering if this was all worth it. Well, I am getting ready to give you some photos so that you can see that YES, it is worth is. Mind you, I have more to go but as of today I am 110lbs down from my highest and around 85lbs down from surgery day. I think that's pretty cool. The only thing that bothers me is the extra skin on my tummy. I seem to look so much better with clothes on....but I think most women feel that way most of the time. LOL
So, enjoy the photos. Hope they help you remember that all this is worth it. Even if we're not where we want to be right now, we have all done something and all those somethings add up to big things. I just can't wait to post another photo blog in six more months and see how much more I have lost. However, even if I'm only 20lbs smaller I'll still be happy. Why? becasue any loss is good.
Note: White Shirt photos were from six months ago. Blue Shirt photos with hair up were four months ago. Blue Shirt, hair down from today! Oh, red shirt and glasses was day of surgery...only one of those though. Enjoy the photos and let me know what you think.
I remember watching movies and wondering how it was possible that every woman who ever took a bath or shower was able to wrap a towel around their body with no issue. Now, to most normal sized people, this probably didn't even cross their minds but to a person who has been over 200lbs for more of her life than not, it was something I thought could only happen to size zero women. And to be honest, I hated them for that. It always looked so neat. Just grab a towel, wrap and tuck near the boobs. It stayed in place and they all looked very sexy in it. However, in one bathroom in Delaware (probably more but I'm just talking about mine) that was a dream that I thought would never be.
My mother even went as far to get me the "bath sheets". It's a nice way of saying a REALLY BIG towel for fat people. Because let's be honest, what thin person would want all that towel to have wrap around them. It was be like they were rolling up in a flour tortilla to become a some fat giant's burrito. Well, they worked. They just didn't work that well. I had to figt to get them to stay in place and the idea of feeling sexy....well that NEVER once crossed my mind.
It's funny how a towel can have such a negative psychological affect on a person. Going to a hotel or even a friends home ofr a few days was traumatic. i learned to bring my own towel. I said it was just my"thing" and that seemed to take the sting away from having a guest pull out their own towels. But in reality it was becasue I knew that if I had to try to dry myself with the one they gave me I would be in there for days. One leg would have had the thing dripping wet so how was I supposed to get the rest of my body dry? It was even worse if said hotel or friend gave me a thin cheap towel. That could only dry my hand...if that. Then to make it even worse, I would get scratch marks on my body from the sand paper like "towel" they gave me.
I have come to an opinion. If you are someplace with towels that are way too short, not thick, and feel like sandpaper that you are at one of two places. 1) A very cheap hotel. This happens. Not everyone has the money for the Hilton (though they have small towels too...but they are soft and can take a lot of water) or 2) your "friend" REALLY doesn't like you that much. Think about this. If you have company over, don't you make sure you give them the best of everything....including your towels? I know I do. I would rather scratch myself all up than have my guest feel like I handed them sandpaper as a drying device.
Now, I told you all that to tell you this. I can now get out of the shower and wrap my towel around me and tuck it. I can feel sexy and be dry. I am still using bigger towels, but now they are WAY to big and are beginning to fall off when I walk. Mostly becasue of all the extra "flour tortilla" I have wrapped around me. I did try to put on a regular towel but I'm not there yet.....so close....but not quite there. But, if I continue to do my program, I will be there and despite what it says in "The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy", I won't always have to carry a towel with me!!!!
The Big Burrito
The Goal..."Soft Shell Taco"
My husband works IT for Comcast. He loves his job and the thing I love is that he comes home with random swag. He's brought home new DVDs, shirts, coasters, even a "Rome" robe. The other day, he came home with a typical Comcast tee-shirt. It's nothing exciting...just another shirt. But then I looked at it. It looked REALLY small. According to the tag its' a large but I promise you, it looks more like a medium than any large I've ever seen. I tried it on and to my surprise, it's not that tight on me. That doesn't mean I would wear it out in public or even take a photo of myself in for the blog. What it does mean is that I now have a new non-scale goal to achieve.
It couldn't have come at a better time as I had already met my other non scale goals and now they were all too big on me. I'm not complaining at all but it is nice to have that one thing you strive for other than a number on a scale. Then, I read the shirt. It was more than just an Xfinity shirt...it had a message just for me...."The Future Of Awesome"!!! Isn't that just the perfect goal shirt? Then, to make it even more "awesome, I lightened my hair (a reward for meeting a goal). So, even though I am already awesome....it's nice to strive for something that makes me even more so!!!! Oh, and before I forget. I did meet a REALLY big non scale goal today. I was able to dry my sweatshirt and still have it fit. LOL It hasn't been dried since I've owned it and now it's all nice and soft and a little smaller but still baggy on me. Love that feeling!!!!
The Shirt
LOL
The New Hair
In the six months that I have been on this site, I have read many posts, updates, and blogs. I have seen that we all have very similar fears and concerns when it comes to the sleeve. Today I plan to address one fear that I have/had that I haven't seen on here. I am not sure if it's becasue the fear seems so far fetched to most or if it's something else completely. What I do know is this fear was one of my BIGGEST reservations about having this surgery.
Now, most people worry about having to get in protein or the pain associated with the surgery and after. Others worry about hair falling out, change of taste buds, and even not eating enough. I have heard cries of concern over drinking while eating, hormonal changes, and even the ever popular, "will I ever be able to eat ________ again?" Now, I am not belittling these concerns. I've had them all and still have some. A great example is one I had yesterday. My husband wanted pizza for dinner. I know I can't eat pizza anymore. It doesn't sit well with me and I am only able to take maybe two bites before I feel like I may slime. However, I know how much he misses having it on weekends so I ordered him one. For me, I got a child's size chicken alfredo. I knew it would last me at least three meals, but I REALLY wanted pasta and I wanted alfredo sauce. Well, after spending way to much money for it, I brought it home, opened it up and took a bite of just the chicken. As I chewed I noticed an off taste. I ended up spitting it out and throwing the rest down the garbage disposal. Then I burst into tears. All I wanted was something different than my normal grilled chicken breast (plain). I wanted the pizza and all it's yummy cheese and peperoni that seemed to laugh at me for not being able to taste it. I wanted to go off on my husband for his ability to eat said pizza and go back for seconds. But, once my raging hormones calmed down (I'm PMSing big time) I opted for a lean shake....my third for the day. As I was drinking it, I began to tear up and talk about some of the above fears. Mostly I wanted to know if I would EVER be able to have certain foods again. Because to be honest with you, right now it doesn't feel that way even though I know over time I will be able to have a little bit of things that I miss.
Even with all the crying and anger of that fear showing it's ugly two mouthed, four hands head, I still have/had one other fear that is/was bigger than any other. So sit back as I tell you a story...
11 years ago while playing an online game, I received an IM from some random man. "Hello", was all it said. As I was getting ready to hit the X to rid my computer screen of the interruption another message in the box popped up. "I love your quote!!" Now, this was back when dial up was considered fast and AOL was the best service around. My quote was by Mark Twain and read, "When I was 14 I found my father to be the most ignorant man in the world. However, when I turned 21 I was astonished to see how much the old man had learned in only 7 short years." This was quoted to me almost everyday by my father and as I grew older, I understood it more and more. Needless to say, we chatted. He begged to meet me. I said no. I was a size 18/20 and I didn't think anyone would find me attractive at that size. Also, i didn't want to be killed by some random guy on the internet. LOL Well, he took his time and we talked on the phone and internet for four months. I fell for his intelligence and I felt so comfortable with him on the phone that it was like I already knew him. Then he asked again....can we meet? I told him yes but in a public place and then dropped the bomb, "I'm not a thin girl. So, if you're looking for a tiny girl, I'm not her. I'm not huge but I have meat on me." Without missing a beat he responded, " Good, I like a woman with some meat and curves." Well, I thought he was crazy. Who would like that? No man I had known would admit to liking a woman bigger than a size 8. Now, 11 years later, he's my husband and is currently snoring on the couch.
I told you all that to get back to the fear. Once I got to know him even better, I saw that he didn't lie to me at all. He loves a bigger woman. He can't imagine being with a woman who's smaller than a size 12 or 14. So, when I began thinking about the sleeve and discussing it with him, that was my biggest scare. What if he isn't attracted to me once I'm thin? What will happen when the boobs and butt have shrunk and he can feel my ribs when holding me? Will he lose interest and decide to get his big butt, curvy, voluptuous lady somewhere else? Will I no longer turn him on the way I have for years? Will me getting healthy cause me to lose the man I love?
There, it's finally out there. I know I am not the only woman who has had that thought and I won't be the last one. This is why I decided to put it all out there and discuss it. Now, I know he has supported me through this with no issue. He loves me thin, fat, curvy, with big boobs and a big butt or without them. He's a wonderful man and I'm very lucky to have him. However, even knowing that I still have times where that fear will come out of nowhere again and I am forced to think about it and try to push it back down in the dungeon. Those times come when he jokes with me about my "little boobs and little butt" or when he starts poking at my ribs and saying things about how tiny I am now. (Note: I am currently a size 16/18.) As he jokes all i can think is, "I still have 75lbs to go.....what will he say/do then?" Will he still want to be intimate with me at 140 or will I be just a pile of bones in his eyes?
So, as a therapist, I do what any therapist would do....I ask him!!! He has assured me that he doesn't care my size as long as I'm healthy and happy. But when asked about my boobs he does admit he would like to see them lifted and filled....but what man wouldn't? I can't hold that against him. I want that also so at least we're on the same page. So, needless to say, he likes big butts and he can not lie but he'll love my tiny butt and droopy boobs just as much!!! Now, I just have to figure out how to work on these concerns and fears of mine. I know it's my issue, not his and I have to own it and change my thinking. But that doesn't make it easy to do...then again, nothing about going through the sleeve process is easy.
So, let me know ladies....was this a concern for any of you? If so how are you coping with it or how have you coped with it? I would really love to hear your thoughts on this. Oh and FYI, the photo isn't my butt...mine is much smaller now. LOL
This weekend was a big one for me. My husband and I went to Oktoberfest at the local church. It wasn't as fun as I expected but it was interesting to see a priest walking around with a chicken hat on...I am not making this up!!! To top it off, he was playing the accordion. Those priest really know how to have a fun time. LOL The next night, I went to my sister's annual bonfire. For those of you who don't know, my sister is three years out and 125lbs down after having bypass. So, even though the sleeve is different, I do use her for support and inspiration. Plus, she's one of the few people I can straight out ask if she sees a difference. LOL
Now, as well all know, stalls happen. They suck, but they happen. I stalled for a month and a half and was so upset that I thought maybe this was the weight my body was supposed to be. I know it sounds crazy, but after watching the scale go up and down between five pounds for that long, you do get a little crazy. My husband should be happy that I didn't have a complete nervous breakdown. Well, my stall broke. I lost 10lbs and it's stayed off. Knowing this, I got prepared to go out. I don't have any winter or fall clothes that really fit. I actually tried on some things that just hung on me....something that has NEVER happened to me. My favorite sweatshirt engulfs me but, the thing is so warm and so comfy that I just don't care. Ok, sorry for the side bar. So, I ended up in a pair of jeans (a size too big) and a sweater (2 sizes too big). Even with the semi baggy clothes, I felt good about myself. I was ready to face the world...or at least the local drunks at Oktoberfest. We went. We looked around,. We left. It just wasn't what we expected. So, we ended up going out to dinner at a local diner. Once inside, I saw some people I have known for awhile who haven't seen me in months or years. It was so wonderful to hear the complements about how I was looking. I think it's exactly what I needed. I have been feeling so low about my weight loss for so long, that having people REALLY see it, made me feel almost famous. Well, maybe not famous, but at least noticed. LOL
I came home after the bonfire the next day and was looking at photos. The full length photo makes me look pregs (I'm not) so I'm not sharing that one. However, I have a photo of my face that shocked me. Mind you, the one photo of my sister and I doesn't make my face look this small, but hey, I'll take what I can get. It also doesn't help that my sis is almost 100lbs smaller than I am right now. (Side note: she was never as big as I was so I have to lose much more weight to be her size) Sometimes you just need to see yourself in a new way. I need to see myself as a woman a 100lbs+ smaller than I was less than six months ago. So, I am posting the photo of my face right before surgery and the photo from the fire. Just to help me see the changes and to help others see that going through all this is SOOOOOOOOOOOO worth it (even when it doesn't seem like it) . I just can't wait to see myself in another six months. Maybe one day, my sister and I will be only 10-20lbs different (I have a much bigger build than she does so I don't think my body is made to be 120lbs no matter what any chart says!) So, enjoy the photos. Keep your heads up. But most importantly, know that no matter how long your stall is, if you keep doing what your supposed to, you will get out of the stall.
Last Thursday I was supposed to start a water aerobics class. With that said, my feet haven't felt the warm water of the local Boys and Girls pool yet. Why you may ask? Is it becasue I'm lazy? Is it becasue i just don't want to? The answer to those questions is, "NO!!!". If I had the body of a "normal" 38 year old, I would have been in that pool kicking and jogging with the best of them. The problem is, I don't. I have a back like a 90 year old woman.
Now, before I really get started, this post is going to be a little bit of "OH, poor me" and "How unfair is this?" But, on the same note, I'm more venting than complaining....though they can sound very much the same. I need to say that I try really hard to be a positive person. I have been dealing with back pain that can make just getting out of bed feel like an Olympic event. But, I truly believe that ______ (fill in the higher being of your choice) doesn't give me more than I can handle. Even on days like today when I feel like there are three little men in my back doing construction and at the same time I feel as though I am giving birth out of my back. Yes, this is ON medication. People who don't deal with chronic pain can't understand the thought process that goes on when dealing with it. I'm a strong woman, and I fight through so much of the pain but believe it or not, the meds only help lessen it, not get rid of it. The scary thing is I know that one thing many people don't think about. I know the pain can get worse. Therefore, I have to be happy that I'm not at that point.
I think my frustration with my back pain comes from a few places. 1. The weather is changing. When the weather gets colder, the pain gets worse. Also, I had a pool only a block away that I cold go to and do whatever activities I could. Now, I have to drive someplace and be there at a certain time and hope my back is cooperating with me on that day. 2. I have been going up and down within five pounds for a month now. I know I've eaten things I shouldn't, but there have only been a handful of times I have gone over my allotted calories for the day and when I did, it was no more than 100 calories. So, the fact that I'm on a HUGE stall (I've been the same weight (give or take) for two months. It sucks becasue I see other people who are five to six months out and they have lost so much more than I have. I KNOW, I KNOW....everyone losses at different rates. That's all fine and good unless you're the one who's not losing.
Now that I've complained....wait, I mean vented. I will say that I've learned a few things in the past month and a half. First, Nutella is NOT MY FRIEND. I am not sure why I love it now. I hated before surgery. Second, I think I am one of those people who can not lose weight unless I'm active. This goes back to what my mother always said, "You were a thin child until you went to school and had to sit still all day." The issue with this is that I can't move much everyday. Even on the good days I have to fight tears and my negative thoughts to get through any activity.
So, with my new awareness, I plan to take one day at a time. I plan to not work out when my body won't let me. I plan to not eat Nutella...well at least not during the NON-PMS times. I plan to try to not get on the scale every day. That just makes me feel worse. And last but not not least, I plan to be happy with who I am. I am a size 16/18 and I haven't been that size since H.S. I should be so happy that I'm bouncing off the walls. Of course, that may just hurt my back a little more....so, I think I'll stick to doing what I'm doing and only doing what I can. That's all we can do. I remember after surgery thinking that walking a mile would be an unattainable task. Now, on a good day, I can walk three. That's what keeps me going. Knowing that my body, no matter how broken it is, can still persevere. Now, if only it will persevere and lose another fifty pounds all would be good.
The neatest thing has happened in the past week. I am seeing and feeling bones I haven't seen or felt in over twenty years. Talk about neat. Oh, and talk about painful...
When I watch t.v. or look at magazines, I always wished I had two things. The little hole between the legs and the butt....you know the one, really skinny girls have it. Girls with no butt and no hips or thighs. The second was the collar bone and the little indent at the bottom of your throat. Now, since I've gotten older, I no longer want to be so skinny that I have no shape. I like my ass. I like my hips. I really like my curves and I plan on keeping them. I know my boobs have left but hey, I can always pay to have them pumped back up...and lifted. Trust me, they need to be put at attention. They have been looking down at my feet all the time since I've lost surgery. They need to be able to look men in the eye when men are looking at them instead of my eyes. LOL They haven't been perky since high school.....maybe they are sick of looking at men staring at them for all those years. LOL
So, here is what I've noticed. I have ribs. Not only in the front but also in the back. My husband finds this the most interesting thing. He likes to keep poking at them despite the fact that I've explained to him that it's not very comfy for me. Who knew bones could hurt so much?!!!! As we lay in bed and he wraps his arm around me. Side note: I've been with him for ten years. In ten years, I had always been uncomfortable with him spooning me. I always felt that the fact he couldn't really wrap his arm around me had to be turn off. He didn't think so, but I was so uncomfortable. Now, his had not only wraps around me, it can tuck under me!!! Ok, back to the ribs. when he hugs me or spoons me, I always feel him feeling them. He looks so bewildered. He's been honest and tells me that he feels like he's hugging another person. He then backs it up but saying despite that, he is so happy it's me he's holding on to. Gosh I love that man. Needless to say, ribs hurt when they get poked or rubbed on. I am sure I will get used to it and it won't hurt anymore, but for now, I try to keep his fingers from poking my ribs. LOL
I've also noticed that I have a collar bone. AND, I have the little indent at the end of my throat. Now, it's not very prominent but if I stand a certain way or laugh, it can be seen with no issue and I'll take that!!! I don't recall ever seeing my collar bone or that little indent. It's the neatest things ever. I have even found myself moving my shoulders a certain way so that other people can see them. Part of me feels that if others can see them, then they can see I'm not fat. I know that's crazy to think, but no matter what I see, I am still that fat girl that is always self conscience and thinks people still look at me like THAT girl...the one that's WAY to over weight. The one that would be beautiful if ONLY she could lose some weight. Another side note: I HATE THAT COMMENT. I am beautiful no matter what my size. Why do I have to lose weight for you or others to find me attractive? Do the people who say this think it's a complement? It's REALLY not. It's actually one of the rudest comments I've ever heard. It's that put down right to your face. The one that sounds nice but if only they knew what you were hearing and feeling...then, maybe, just maybe they wouldn't say it again..EVER. Ok, I am now stepping down from the soap box I got up on. LOL
Ok, now that I've poured my heart out and gotten up and then down from my soap box...I am sharing some photos. One is from the day of surgery. The rest were taken this evening. Sorry for the no makeup, half asleep, P.J wearing look I have going on. I just hope you can see the bones I'm talking about....maybe it's all in my mind, but that's fine with me as it makes me feel really good. and who wouldn't want to to feel good? Hope you get the idea of the bones...LOL
This post is for women...or men who have to deal with us after our sleeve. If you are neither, you have been warned!! I am going to discuss that wonderful experience almost all of us have once a month. No, it's not a full moon (but it is said to be linked), This post is all about the PERIOD. No, not the kind that kids no longer know should be at the end of a sentence (thank you text messaging for that), but the nasty, crampy, bloaty, mood changing one. This is one of those VERY HONEST posts that may make some uncomfortable...if you are one of those people, you should leave now!!!
Ok, for all those of you that I stayed with me........
I have never had bad periods. I PMSed very little and only very rarely had cramps. I knew I was lucky and I had no desire to be one of the many women out there that literately curl up in a ball for a week due to the pain and discomfort. I liked my period (as much as any women can like it). Then, I had this surgery.
The day after surgery (while still in the hospital), I started. It came out of nowhere and I was so relieved to hear that many women do experience this. It was much heavier than normal and I was very crampy. I just chalked it all up to having "trauma" AKA the WLS. So, when I came home and it finished I never really thought much about it. That is until around 28 days later. For about three days before I started again, I became a Bi$%h to deal with. I would yell at my husband for any little thing. Even if it wasn't something that normally would upset me. I cried at the drop of a hat. Commercials could bring tears to my eyes and have me sobbing in seconds. Remember the Christmas Folgers Coffee one from years ago? The one when the college or military man comes home? That caused me to tear up when I saw it the first time. Now, it would send me into a sobbing fit. But again, I found an explanation. I chalked it up to all the hormones running around in my system. Then when it started I was back to normal except for the cramps and the way it looked. Don't worry, I won't get too specific. My issue was that it wasn't the same for me at all. It lasted longer, it was heavy, and then sometimes there wasn't any real blood. It was more like the end of a period than the beginning or the middle.
I tell you all this to now tell you how it is NOW. Three days ago, I cried for hours. I wanted to kill my husband and I must have given the, "I can't stand you" look to him no less than 100 times that day. I didn't know why or where these feelings came from and to be honest, I didn't really care. I just wanted to get all those feelings I was having out. Even if it meant verbally attacking the man I love. And that my friends is EXACTLY what I did. The poor man didn't know what hit him. To be honest, I am not sure if he even knows now. I was a crazy, hormone filled, sobbing, runny nose, monster and he was the person I was sent here to attack. And attack I did. Nothing was good enough. He could look at me and get yelled at. He could say, "I love you." and I would sneer and roll my eyes. I was everything I promised myself never to be. I was the woman all men hate....I was THAT woman.
Then, the next day the sky was blue, the clouds were puffy and white, the temp was perfect and I started my period. It was like the "opening of the gate" stabilized me. i was back to myself and not the angry, crazy witch I had been only a day before. Now, so you know, this has happened for the past five months since my surgery and all I can think is, WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?????
I truly feel that every month I become possessed. I can't stop myself from saying things or looking at people with despise. I even started freaking out at some kids (in their late teens early 20's) for not stopping to cross the road and almost hitting my SUV. I couldn't just roll my eyes and keep driving. Nope, I had to scream and go off on five boys that were just being that age. I can't control myself and I can't keep the thoughts in my head with out having to cry for hours or scream at unknowing people for no reason. Another example. I went to McD's to get my husband some food. The girl at the window was very rude and I ignored it...that is until I said, "Thank you" and she responded with rolling her eyes and smacking her lips. Then it was on. I proceeded to tell her she could go to a very warm place that doesn't have sand or surf. I also told her that customer service means being nice to people and if she couldn't do it, she should find a new job. Then I drove away, crying, and so angry I wanted to hit something. Now, this is not me!!!! This is the woman that takes over once a month and does her own thing. I can't stop her. I've tried. I have the inner talk with her. I've kept her mouth shut only to have her use a crow bar to open it. I have done everything I know how to do (as a therapist) to not be this mean person and still, NOTHING is working.
So, here's my question for you all.....Do any of you have this issue or anything like it? Are you a different person during your time of month since surgery? Let me know if I'm going crazy and need to see a doc or if this is normal. If it's not normal, be happy I've passed that time of the month *the PMSing" becasue if I hadn't, you might get a piece of the crazy, Bit@#'s mind....and trust me, you nor I would want that.
All of my life I have been bigger. With that said, I didn't really care becasue I was always in shape and very active. I played tennis is high school and swam every day. I would hike when I was able and I could slam the crap out of a racquetball ball. Then BAM!!!! That all changed 18 years ago. I was 20 years old, in college, and having the time of my life when my disc decided it didn't like the home it had and that it wanted to go explore the rest of my back. The first two years after this happened, I was still able to do some activities, but I had to be mindful of my back. Then, over time, it got worse and I did less and less until I could no longer fathom the idea of doing any activity. Truth is, when you deal with chronic pain on a daily basis, you get tired of it and you want to do anything you can to get it to stop. My anything was doing nothing.
Now, after my surgery I have been doing more than I have in years. I walk almost daily or do some other type of cardio. And even though I'm still in horrible pain, I figure it's worth it to be healthy. I am only 5 months out and I have lost over 100lbs from my highest weight and around 75 from my surgery day. Now, you can't lose that much weight that fast with out some repercussions. And trust me, I have some. If you have read my blog for awhile, you know that I have already commented about my boobs. For those of you who don't know, my boobs are the things I miss the most. Every time I look in the mirror when I'm naked, I sing, "Do your boobs hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Can you throw them over your shoulder like a Continental soldier? Do your boobs hang low?" They seem to hang a little lower every day. I'm starting to think they are depressed. Maybe I should give them some antidepressants to perk them back up....do you think that would work? I wish!!!
I had just learned to accept my boobs then out of nowhere I noticed something today that totally caught me off guard. I have wings!!! You know the extra skin under your arm that just hangs there and flops back and forth. I thought I was doing well with not getting any of that. I have made sure that I have worked my arms (with my shake weight, and while walking) but apparently that hasn't been enough. I am 38 years old and I have the back, boobs and arms of an 80 year old. Then, to make it just a little worse, I can start to see the extra skin on my tummy. My oh my, I'm just going to be skinny...yes, the pun was intended. But seriously people....it sucks. We work so hard following the program, doing what we need to do, and fighting daily urges to not eat certain things and to keep active and yet some of us will still have these issues.
I guess I'll have to accept my new wings like I accepted my boobs. I can't do anything about it right now. The good thing is that now I won't have to pay those high prices for airfare. I can just hold out my arms on a windy day and "Fly like and eagle". Now, if only I can find something useful for my droopy boobs to do....that's going to take some thought.
