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My WLS and the Journey

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You Made Me Love You... I Didn't Want To Do It!

I can't get this silly song out of my head... You made me love youuuuu, I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to do it. It's now 10:35 and I've promised myself bed at 1030... so why posting? IDK. Today was a good day. I haven't had many of them and I've been in so much pain lately that I wouldn't recognize it if I saw it, or so's I thought. But IDK, today I just have been telling myself I know God is healing me. I sound corny or crazy, not sure to which is more apt to describe me; however, I feel like it's right. I am not the most church going person (long list of reasons why, but mostly summed up in as: experience with major hypocrisy, i don't have time to spell check that so forgive me, dang microsoft/now i'm dependent on freak'n spell check).... anywho, the pain was tolerable today (thank God) and I had planned out everything. Limited schedule of time and running, busy today. I like those days. Like I "have a life"... which I say I don't. Living in this large area, there are many times I find myself lonely. Everyone is so spread out, then you add in kids and extracurricular activities and limited time from work to do everything so it's crammed in on the weekends, well... to me, it gets lonely sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I personally have no qualms about "me" time or being alone, that's why I am a gym addict. Once I got over that thing that most of us women suffer from (you know, the 'I have to have a buddy or I feel self conscious'), I was all good and set to fly. Most of my life seems to operate that way and most of the time, it's copasethic. But sometimes, my most social side says "hey over here!" C'est la vie....   Anywho, I am rambling again. It's late and I'm honestly tired, but my 3rd wind wants to kick in. I'm about to brush my teefies and get into the most comfy tempurpedic mattress (worth every single stinking penny, twice over) with loads of pillows so I can go to the gym in the morning. Even if it's only for 30 mins (dammit, I want 60) but I just wanted to say, it's been a good day today. I seem to only post whenever there are issues and I'm at my breaking point. Today I feel the light of God surrounding me and I hope His light shines through me to others. Oh pitash if you don't believe in all of that ....... you should be around me, then you'd see it. I hope that I emulate what I feel from Him, to show my faith. Don't get me wrong, I am not perfect (for certainnnn) .... and I still pray 15 gizillion times a day for Him to heal this leak, that I continue to hear gurgling, but in time I know He will. I am trying to think instead of this issue as an opportunity.... maybe this is happening to me so I can truly understand "mindful eating" and that is one major obstacle for me, that could be my undoing. I am a food addict, to the core.... ashamedly I admit, but I never am one to sugar coat (except with hershey's, hehe i wish, dang still on a liquid diet... digressing...). IDK, but I'm trying to view the lesson in this experience (whatever that is) and learn from it, instead of concentrating on something pathetic like poor me, why's this gotta happen (which I'd love to say, but pitash... pffff... s*it happens and it ain't gonna undo what's done or fix it). In every experience I have learned one thing.... there are reasons for these things to occur, which is revealed eventually. So today, thank you God for a good day (but pls pls pls heal this leak inside of me... I did my part, 132 g of protein, that was work too!). Please give me the strength to not be pathetic (as I would like to crumble into the fetal position and cry on occassion), give me the courage to identify my irrational behaviors and the wisdom to learn from my mistakes and move on, being the best me that I can be. Yeah so I ripped off the serenity prayer, but I'm an addict, unfortunately. My drug of choice? Food. And I cannot escape it. So give me strength, courage and wisdom to learn successfully how to deal with it and any of these issues that cross my path. Amen.   Ok this was another rambling post, but it is what it is... oh and make sure you go to bed singing "you made me loveeeee youuuuuu, I didn't wannaaaa do it..." *smiles* hugs... xxx Stephanie
4ALongerLife

4ALongerLife

2
 

Who's Afraid Of The Big, Bad Trigger Monster? Me!

So I was watching one of my latest silly indulgences on t.v. last night, The Client List. The long and short of it is that due to my job I am on conf calls during the day and during my time in recovering and working from home, in between calls I got 'into' Ghost Whisperer. Hey it was either that or the food network and I get rather tired of watching all of the bad foods that Guy Fieri eats. Jeesh I wonder if that man works out. I wonder what his cholesterol is... woops so I digress.... Actually I watched a few episodes of the Ghost Whisperer before - at my mom in law's whenever we visit Louisiana, but the point is, whenever I have time on my hands... the t.v. usually gets turned on whenever I get bored and don't have alot of time to run here or there.   So in watching the Client List last night, in between commercials I would type on a blog entry and finally I posted. Now where that thing went? No idea. LOL How weird.   Anywho, my husband moved the scale. Someone told me that it was a 'successful tip' in the WLS journey that she heard in a support group to put the scale in the kitchen. Whenever mine is in my kitchen, I use it wayyyy too much. Hubby got it last night for me from upstairs (bless that man, he does spoil me, I know) as we've agreed that once a week I can 'weigh in.' So after my silly indulgence went off, I did weigh in. Grrr. I'm still at 202.5. I go up a lb., down a lb, up a 1/2 a lb, down a 1/2 a lb. I'm trying to keep up myfitnesspal and figure out where I'm going wrong, as I believe I'm in stall 1 pattern, but it's frustrating.   This morning, we forgot to move the scale back upstairs (woops) so immediately, instead of my moving it, I thought ok let's see what I weigh first thing this morning. Well, woo hooo, it said 199.5. Now as much variation as that was from last night, I usually don't count it but dag nab it I'm making an exception this go around! lol.... I have so wanted to be below 200 since I was so close. I know it's foolish... I SHOULD be thankful for each lb that I no longer carry, instead I look to what else I have to lose, what sag my skin might be starting to do, etc etc. Isn't that part of what got us all into this issue? Trying to be perfect, then we can't and get disappointed and use food for solace? IDK but I'm trying to figure out what my "issues" (or rather, triggers) were to get me here so that I can get rid of the little buggers so once I get to 140 or 150 as I plan NOT to be coming back to the 200's. (Or so I pray.) I honestly am scared. Scared of failure, scared of success and then failing a year or two later, scared of possible stricture more than anything, scared that my triggers will overcome me and I will lose control - especially after all of the complications and money I've spent on this for that to happen, that I will be judged as foolish. But more than anything, I'm scared of heart disease, diabetes and cancer. I just want to be successful in this WLS journey, or so I pray. As for the possible stricture that my dr's nurse and I have been discussing - I honestly think I was eating too fast. I have since eaten ritz crackers and that laughing cow light cheese, slowwwwwly eaten them and no issues. I have a follow up with my dr. on the 7th of June, so I'm monitoring it until then. If you pray, pls include me in yours. My son's already said "mama, will you have to go back to the hospital?" and he sounded scared too, but his wasn't the trigger monster.... and I don't want him scared for certain.   Since I feel like I can't write (I used to be able to put words together better where I expressed myself well and now I'm rambling and not sure how much sense all of these things come into my head at once), I'm going to turn to an entry in "Small Bites" from Katie Jay again... I just opened the book to this one and I think it relates to what I was saying previously.......   Respect your triggers Once on the road to recovery, you may feel that you can handle more temptations. Maybe let your son buy chips at the store, maybe you eat out more at restaurants lately, maybe you offered to bake something to bring to a party - something you know will trigger food cravings in you? Sometimes you can handle more temptations. And sometimes allowing your food triggers to creep back into your life is a recipe for disaster.   Your triggers are a part of you and must be acknowledged and respected. Obesity is a deadly disease, and you have it, whether you are thin or heavy. It's time to gently tell yourself, "No." There are some foods you just can't be around safely. Staying away from a trigger food is a one-day-at-a-time challenge. YOU CAN DO IT!   Make a list of your trigger foods. Are any of them in your house? Get rid of them and keep them out of the house.... before you realize you gained 10 lbs.     You know I got so caught up in all of the diagnostic tests, getting those done and then scheduling surgery and the excitement for all of that, now the process of going back through the food phases... what are my trigger foods and my other triggers beyond foods? I challenge us all to do what this entry says... make a list of your triggers. Not only foods, but what triggers you (or triggered you prior to surgery) to eat and self medicate with food? What foods bring that out in you? What situatons? What issues?   IDK why this is so hard for me to sit down and document.... so here's what I ramble and know so far: Whenever I get anxious or nervous, I get hungry. I have felt like a dork most of my life. I have years of instances where my family told me I was worthless. Somewhere, food helped me deal with that. And it's sweets and bread and pasta mostly that I turned to (oh my Grannie's spaghetti rocked ok? lol). Yes, everything carbs! But aren't carbs the food encouragers of the serotonin levels increasing after you eat? (serotonin - the 'feel good' high I mean) It's time to identify what those triggers are - the foods AND the situations. I never thought of this (or took the time to really stop and deal with it) prior to surgery. This part isn't easy. But I want to do this ... I WANT to be successful in keeping this weight off - and being healthy. I don't want my son to be scared that his mother's health might take her away, I saw it in his eyes the other day. And I know how that loss can't ever been filled whenever you lose your parents (especially my mother). I want to be around long after my parents were - after my 50's and 60's (esply since I had my son at age 30). I don't want a trigger (just like on a gun) taking me out prematurely. No food is worth that, no (maladaptive) coping mechanism. At least that's how I feel... how about you?   Good luck to you all and thank you for your time in reading my ramblings! Beware the trigger monster!!!!! xoxo
4ALongerLife

4ALongerLife

0
 

Updated Story

Well.......... let's see ...... not sure where I've left off in my story of gastric sleeve. Yet I've had more update as of 11/14, I had a CAT scan as per my bariatric dr's orders to see what was going on.   I was complaining of not being able to sleep lying flat, feeling like I was drowning, choking up my lungs each time I tried to lie down. So I resorted to sleeping in a chair or sitting at a 90 degree angle in bed. Not comfortable. Not to mention that I would cough and almost choke myself in the midst of the night, so sleeping was sporadic. Was doing Vicks vapor rub to breathe better and Robitussin but nothing was working. Dr. said let's do a CAT scan, which I did on the 11/14 date - at 1 pm. My dr. called me at 3:45 pm (um hello? that's a bit quick, so uh oh)... he says you have to go to the hospital Stephanie, something's wrong. It appears that I had another staple open up and leak more out into my cavity, which has penetrated my lungs and diaphragm, where I have a slight hole in my diaphragm. I also have a gastric fistula that connects my tummy to my lung and to my diaphragm. My left lower lobe is collapsed on my lung so it's harder to breathe than it should be.   So I went and got admitted on 11/14. I went at 8 pm as per the dr.'s request, after the 7 pm nurse shift change. My son and my hubs went with me to the ER and waited with me, thinking we wouldn't be too long in the ER and would get to a room relatively quickly. Um, no. It was 1 am before we got to a room. My poor child was sleeping in a chair in the ER. Let me tell you too, IDK what the heck anyone that works in the ER thinks they know. This last visit to Baylor Carrollton worries me about ever going to the ER. The "dr." (Muniz I think was his name) was such a moron that he thought my dr. was a podiatrist. I personally think that mr. great looking dr. was too busy checking out my very attractive but yet super biatchy nurse. Whatever. I have had my moments in the ER on several occassions and let me tell you, if something goes wrong, you're better off trying to wait to go to your dr. rather than the ER in the midst of the night. At least so has been my experience.   Anyways, got admitted and eventually had a chest tube placed. It was placed in my back, in an attempt to drain my lungs out. I also had revision surgery to my sleeve, again, on 11/20. My dr. stapled it again, sewed it and glued it. And attempted to clean out what he could of the fistula. The cardiac thoracic surgeon that was consulted was called away to an extreme medical emergency so he couldn't complete the bronchoscopy that he had planned. He originally thought that it might need to be an open surgery, which thankfully the chest tube extracted more than they hoped, so the CT surgeon thought only a bronchoscopy was neeed. He was called away, so they believe that high doses of IV antibiotics will help address any residual crap that remains in my lungs.   So I'm home now, the day after thanksgiving I got released. Can I tell you how bad it sucked to have yet give ANOTHER holiday to this mess of my gastric sleeve experience? I am so sick and tired of complications taking my holidays and my time with my family. Not to mention, yet again, I am on a liquid diet but limited to 4 oz at a time. Except now.... I drink something and choke it up through my lungs somehow I think. IDK what's going on, I just know a sip of something and it goes down and I begin coughing. IDK if it's the fistula still there but I am going to call my dr. tomorrow morning to see if we can plan a CAT scan, chest xray, another leak test before the end of the year (since my deductible is met) to see where we are and what steps are next. I don't believe all of my issues are done yet and I want to know what my options are going forward to get this all addressed.   The only problem now is ... my husband got laid off on friday. He had been at his job 10.5 years and they call it a RIF or reduction in force. It's when they decide they don't need as many workers as they needed before. Except I am freaking out now, or did. It's just one more stressor that I don't need. I'm trying to deal with it, but it's scary. I've worked out the numbers to know that I can almost make everything on my salary (thank God) but he's luckily got 1 week of severance with every year of service. So that will get us a bit more than 2 months of pay, yay (thank you God). Let's just hope that he can find another tester position in IT soon.   So anyone that might read my blog, that's where I'm at.   EVERYONE always says how positive I am, what an inspiration I am.... and I hate to tell you, but my light is lost right now. I feel like God has forsaken me or is angry with me for having done this surgery in the first place. And that has to be why I've had so many issues.   I made a list today of all of the things that I miss......... and just eating with my family is the hardest one. I did this to live longer for my son and now I can't have much quality with him. I've lost so much weight that I now fit into a size 4, but it's not a celebratory experience. I am too skinny now. At 5'7", I don't need to be 132.5 lbs. I need to be at the smallest, 135. I know it's not much, but do you realize how hard it is to get quality calories in to keep weight on? So I've said "screw it" and I'm doing chocolate bars, baskin robbins milk shakes, whatever I can think of to up up up my daily caloric intake. I don't feel like eating nor drinking, especially once I do I choke myself to almost the point of vomiting on myself. It sucks, totally. And I am sagging in places I don't wish to sag and it worries me. If my body's reacted this poorly to gastric sleeve, how could I ever consider another surgery? (and the boobs ... well let's just say that's always been a dream but ESPECIALLY now, and with what i just mentioned, guess that dream's gone)   The weird thing is my hubs still says he loves me. He loves everything about me, he supports me, he reminds me that I did the best thing that I thought at the time and he reminds me you can't go back in time. God I love that man. Sometimes I forget that, I hate to admit that, but after 23 years together, it happens unfortunately.   The best thing was that at least we could fly his mom over to help whenever I was in the hospital. We left his car for her and I wrote out directions to my son's school and the hospital. And kudos to her, she actually drove here to those places. Driving here in any capacity scares the heebie jeebies out of her. The smaller town that we are from is much slower than here so I can understand. God bless her, she was a huge help (although everyone does laundry different, thankfully at least she helped keep up the house in any way possible and spent quality time with my son).   So where should I leave off? As I cough more crap up out of my lungs and it tastes like the protein shake that I drank two and a half hours ago, IDK. I am scared. I don't want to have issues from this surgery for years of my life moving forward. We went to the Grapevine Mills mall today and I barely made it, but I did make a lap at the mall. Granted I stopped about 4-6 times to sit for at least 5 mins a time, but I made it. I am wiped out and tired, but I made it.   I pray that I stop coughing every time that it seems like I drink. I pray that my PICC line doesn't get infected (it started bleeding last night as I think the shirt I had on yesterday pulled on it). I pray that my left shoulder pain doesn't come back (as it felt like it came back tonight). I pray that the pus pocket that is in my back, that was attempting to poke out of my body (no lie, they said that's why I had that egg of pus on my back), that it goes away. I pray that these home i.v. antibiotics get me to 100% capacity. And I pray that my dr.'s have the knowledge to address any residual effects and that I get to the right one to do so.   And I pray for a longer life for my son. I pray that I can be "normal" again and accept lunch dates w/o restrictions on my diet or special considerations. I pray to be able to schedule a vacation and not worry about when and where based on my health status. I pray more than anything that I get my positive back and that I feel the hand of God in my life, guiding me because I think I've lost that right now in all of my fears and I miss His presence with me whenever no one else is around (as I cough up my guts at 3, 5 and 6 am, praying for relief). God forgive me for my weakness, but it is what it is.   More than anything, I wish I had had an "easy" gastric sleeve surgery and I wonder why my experience has been the one that I've had.   I've got to go do another round of I.V. antibiotics and so that I can get to bed... hope if anyone reads this, that it might help you and that you are doing well. xx
4ALongerLife

4ALongerLife

6
 

Two Days Later, Plateau Patty Here And Clothes Are Looser? Lol Go Figure

Thanks to those of you that did read my last whiney arsed post. I am still worried about the hospital bill, but you know I've been reading some bible entries (no I'm not the most biblical nor the most church going person; however, I'm in a women's study group of "seeing yourself through god's eyes" and it has helped me a bit). I sometimes forget that with my faith, everything will work out in the end.   We never have ppl over, it's a rarity. IDK why, we are hermits I guess. But one of the parents that helped us tremendously whenever I was in the hospital for the month of March, we had them over for dinner last night. I didn't know the dad was an atheist. He's been through a lot of physical abuse from his dad in his life and he said that's why he doesn't believe in God. He doesn't understand how a God can let bad things happen to people. Well, you know, I don't either but I told him it made me sad. Maybe I sound naive, but through all of my trials and tribulations, I have been angry at God and pissed at the world before - and God still is there - and He's still blessed me through my worst and loved me through it all. I've seen His blessings in my life. I don't know why bad things happen to good people.   One of the passages in the study that I am doing talked of God teaching us all lessons. Perhaps this parent that came over, his was where his lessons crossed and where his dad's lessons crossed as well. A few days ago Passion of the Christ was on PBS. I've never seen it and it was more than 1/2 over whenever I caught it on t.v. It shocked me how terribly they beat Jesus. Ok so I do sound naive, but I remember going to Catholic school for 8 years (as a non-Catholic, yes I was baptist going to private catholic school. Why? I think my parents wanted to keep me segregated. Written with total sarcasm: They loved that I married a black man........ but that's another therapy session/entry at another time...). I never understood the full extent of how they beat Jesus until I saw that scene - I really thought of it as an adult. Why did God allow all of that pain to be inflicted on His son? There was a point at the end - and in a long winded fashion, that's what trials and tribulations are for all of us. Lessons to be learned. Character that is grown through trials and tribulations.   Most of us are experiencing a trial in something that we share and that's weight loss (or grrr for the plateau patty's out there like me, the non weight loss at times, double grrr). I just hope most of us have the faith to know that God is there through whatever trial or tribulation. He has blessings in store for us, if we remain faithful. I'm having my moments on hospital bills and life and weight loss. But I will be ok. I know God's got my back, in the end. Doesn't mean the road won't be hard and that I won't cry or whine (y'all forgive me pls for that); however, thank you to those that help pick me up whenever I feel like I can't or that I feel like I am not worth it. We all have our moments..... thank you for picking me up whenever I have mine.   OH and btw, I DID get on the scale this morning. I'm down another .5 lb. Dang it, I'm counting it! lol... 59.5 total I think. I went today and tried on clothes at Ross (I am a cheapskate, I LOVE LOVE LOVE Ross) - and they all fit, some even being too big. So again to those that have said whenever I have a stall "have you measured yourself?" Well no, I don't measure.. but trying on clothes today SHOWED me keep on going. Remain in faith - you'll be surprised how God blesses you (and that I KNOW for sure).   So I hope someone that is in doubt, or may be struggling and may not speak up about it reads this, because I sincerely know how you feel. Remember pls you aren't alone.   And thank you to those that lift me up ... thank you much. Ok rambling rita signing off, lol... I wish you all blessings! xoxo   PS - OH and I leave you with one of my favorite quotes, I think it's from eggface.... I've been trying to remember this lately: Weight loss is a journey, not a destination. PSS - The other quote I love (and was in my studies, I saw it this morning): This too shall pass.   PSSS - And from my yoga class this morning (omg I thought I was gonna die, I wanted to quit at one point, it was hard but I stuck it out, just like life), the teacher was talking about yoga and comparing the stances to trials in life. He had a point. If you aren't happy or satisfied or whatever, stop and focus... not on others, not on what they have or have done, but on you and your blessings essentially... so remember : What is your focus?
4ALongerLife

4ALongerLife

0
 

Struggling :(

Ok today I feel a bit like crying. I am trying, really trying at this journey to be successful, but why do I just feel like I'm flubbing up? And yes, I don't mean flubbing, but I'm trying to keep this PG or at least PG13, ok?   I finally downloaded myfitnesspal.com, where before I was writing everything as I took it in my mouth (the old Weight Watcher's lingo of "write it if you bite it" comes to mind); however, everyone says use fitness pal, so I'm trying that. Omg I'm not eating enough. How in hades DO I EAT MORE? Yeah, I know ... all the newbies that possibly read this are now thinking "WHAT?" but I cannot eat enough to half of the calories this thing says for me to do. And I went to the gym. Mind you I only did 2 miles, I feel like I was lazy but it was a rushed amount of time and this thing says I burned 384 cals. So I'm now about to where I started after breakfast. What? Oh wait I forgot I "ate" the rest of my breakfast shake later. Well whoopee, only 1174 more calories to consume. It's 7 pm. Place your bets if you think I'm gonna get that in. No wonder I'm ravenous late at night. HOW DO I DO THIS? grrrr   And is it ok to count Cytomax pure protein tangerine or tropical drinks as my water for the day? Per my dr., I thought so... per myfitnesspal, no... that has it's own category.     Am I going to fail at this? Seems like the story of my life. Yeah I know boo hoo but I'm having a moment. I lived through the surgery, staying an extra day because my temp kept spiking. Went home and got pneumonia so I went back for a week to the hospital... got out only to go back in in extreme pain, come to find out I have a leak and an abscess and have to do surgery again (mind you I paid for this out of my pocket and have the rottenest. lousiest insurance plan ever). Yes these would be tears in my beer, but I CAN'T DRINK BEER anymore. Sigh....   And I'm trying to get back to working out and ppl tell me I'm messing up by doing that. I love love love the elliptical. I miss my workouts of 5 miles min a day. So I'm doing 3 every other day to build up. Mind you the revision surgery was 3/20... so this is too soon? My dr. said do what you want, you should be ok to be active, don't worry your body will tell you whenever you do too much. So it did every other day... enough time for me to recover and get back into the gym and do 3 more miles. So today I "took it easy" and only did two miles. Treadmills are boring to me..... and it's too hot in the great state of Tejas to run outside (yes, it's gorgeous right now but I would keel over and die from lack of oxygen if I ran.... THAT is a huge challenge that I KNOW I am not currently ready for).   But then I get on the scale (yeah bad idea) and I'm up a bit. Not enough to mention but just when I'm feeling like ... well since dinner that I struggled to make isn't working for me (as my belly is wringing itself out like a limp dishtowel after I took a few bites of the turkey-nitas --- yeah my own creation. I found a recipe on eggface's website that sounded delish and then in the store I remembered, my dr. says no pork until 6 months out... maybe b/c he's jewish as a friend told me that's not what her dr. said... idk but that's what my dr. said so i follow it, period). Anywho, I digress and ramble because I am having an emotional moment, sorry.... but I feel like I can't eat anything. I'm struggling with not drinking during a meal. REALLY struggling. And in eating enough ... grrrrr. Can someone send me 5 to 10 recipes of what they lived on during this frustrating phase between full liquids to mush? IDK what I'm doing. But here's my goal: NO MORE LEAKS, pray for no abscess (that crap HURTTTTTTS, or mine certainly did as it was in my diaphragm four days after my discharge from the hospital with pneumonia... hmm seems to me that the diaphragm is needed after you get out with pneumonia.... God's funny right? it's not God, forgive me lord....). Just ain't that Murphy's law? It is in my life I guess....   Ok sorry that was ramble city... but how do you "be successful" with this? I'm worried I'm "plateauing" already.   And DOES my cytomax pure protein drinks count as my water - or just to the 48 oz a day? Sigh.... so much to try to keep up on. I need help. Lord please, send me a patient angel who doesn't mind the rambling overemotional crappus that women do!   Hope all of you are being successes... and pass it forward to those that struggle. One day, dang it, that's gonna be me (gulp, I hope).
4ALongerLife

4ALongerLife

7
 

Send Me An Angel, Mine Is Setting Free!

So I'm feeling overwhelmed. And I feel like my last two blogs this week have a whiney tone to them, my apologies. Considering I spoke with the dr's wife who does the nutritionist counseling for him and explained to her that my tummy contorts whenever I eat anything pureed at first and if I drink 1/4 of an oz of liquid, it helps... she told me I might have a stricture. You know just whenever pneumonia and a leak and abscess weren't enough ... now I worry I have a stricture. Let's hope that's not the case because if it is, IDK how I'm going to ever regain my confidence back. Oh lawd, here's that baby again.   Ok big girl panties, I wanted to post something more solid, more positive. So I have a book that I'm going to post something from. The book is called "Small Bites: Daily Inspirations for WLS Patients" and it's by Katie Jay and Julia Persing. I borrowed it from the bariatric nurse edjucator from the hospital.   Set your angel free   When you decided to have WLS, were you longing to set free something inside you? Obesity had hidden your true self from view. You longed to reveal the inner you. So, each day WLS has chipped away at your exterior.   Michaelangelo said "I saw the angel in the stone and carved until I set him free." Yet at the end of his first day, the rock still looked like...... a rock. Only slowly did it become the beautiful creation that was locked within. As you lose weight, you will change many times, you will wake up mornings and not recognize the thinner face that has replaced the rounded one. In time, with consistency, effort, and a firm vision, you will release your angel within.   Set aside a few quiet moments and visualize the inner you - your inner angel. In your mind, embrace that vision, talk to it, and plan together how your inner angel can help you remain steadfast.
4ALongerLife

4ALongerLife

5
 

Rambling Thoughts, Overall Goals, Journey To Get There

I have been thinking of several things lately.... trying to work on my head issues. In my rambling mind, I mostly have been considering what my overall goals were of having this surgery. I wanted to take health issues off of my plate to live a longer life for my son. Losing my mom in 2008, it really undid me for a while. IDK if my son will ever feel that same way, but I know one thing... when you lose your parents from this earth, the world feels much much smaller. As I get older, as "friends" have come and gone, I hold two people closer to my heart and that's my hubs (who knows if or when he could/would/should trade me in, but I'll always love him) and my son. So doing this surgery was primarily for them. But it was more than just living longer. It was so I could be more active with them, which I have done (discounting football... I know sacreligious comment but I hate football. College football I can withstand SOMETIMES). Next week kiddo starts basketball and I've committed to taking him to those practices and games. So I'm trying to push myself to do what I said I was going to do - be more active, more involved with him/them, etc.   The other reasons for my surgery are rather vain or self-absorbed. I hated shopping. And I love to shop. By that I am not a Kim K. or those heifers you see on t.v. where they think the world revolves around them. (rolls eyes) Instead, I like searching out affordable buys that are unique if possible. Yesterday we went to the mall to have my watch looked at. I had to have FOUR links taken out of my watch... lol. THAT is weird to me. I asked her to put one back in and I'm wondering if I should have put back two. I got so used to everything bigger on me like watch bands, bagger like clothes to hide my fat, etc.... that this journey still hasn't yet made sense in my brain yet. To say that I've lost 109 lb.s in not even 8 months (not quite yet), I find that rather amazing. And my eyes look at me in the mirror, but my brain doesn't register that it's me, that I am small as I am now. I mean my "desire" in my heart, deep down, was at least to get to a size 8. I used to always always always tell the hubs, it'll NEVER happen. Now I'm a size six in my smallest jeans. Jeans! I thought that had to be a 'fluke'... it was jeans from old navy and someone said they run large. But this weekend, I tried on different styles/brands at yet another Ross excursion and guess what? One swallowed me and one was tight. The other fit perfectly. Mind you that I still am also wearing 8's and 10's, I probably even have a few 12's mixed in my closet now. But I have never in my life been below at size 14 ... that was my smallest and I wouldn't allow myself to get bigger than 18W. Side note, the 12's are comfy to me too... I got so used to wearing baggier clothes whenever I was obese, it's now a hard habit to break.   I remember being a teenager and wanting to be a size 4 so bad. That was the "ideal"... that's what you saw all of those girls in Seventeen magazine, smiling, looking so carefree and they all had to be super tiny. Now mind you, I know it's gay men in that industry that dictate the cut/look/style of clothes so yes, of course they are going to choose girls that look more like boys! lol... (nothing wrong with a gay man or men, but c'mon... how in hades did we agree that THEY tell us what is sexy for hetero's? this world is so odd sometimes right?). But to think that I'm almost to that "ideal" ... and at 38 years of age. I wish I could have had this surgery in my teens or 20's. Not that I want my life to change or be changed, but what would the difference in my confidence have been? I get looked at differently, treated differently, IDK quite how to explain it. Women that I used to think were uptight and pretentious now openly smile and talk to me say in a store or the gym. That used to never happen. Is it me? Have I opened up? Or is it them opening up because of my thinned appearance? This journey causes you to consider and reconsider so many things you used to assume. Or at least for me it has.   Yesterday I went to the mall though, got the watch changed up (links taken out) and told hubs, let's go look at the shoe dept. I need some new Sketchers as I throw those on on the weekends and love them to bits. There's a store across from the shoe dept that I have never allowed myself to walk into. I was always too big for that. If it didn't say Lane Bryant or The Avenue or was known to have a plus size section (i.e. Cato, Dots, Dillards, Macy's, etc etc U KNOW WHAT I MEAN), then I just didn't even allow myself to go in and look. But I had to literally check myself with the thought, oh yeah, I AM "small" now... and hubs said ok whenever I asked to go look.   The oddest thing to me is trying on clothes where a small swallows me. The other odd thing is that I can fit into anything that I want or can afford. Except for shoes, damn size 11 feet and the tranny's/cross dresser's always buy up the cutest ones, grrr.... (hey they sometimes have great taste so I ain't hating, but dammit I AM a girl and have to buy those type of shoes so leave a sister some choices!!!!). Anywho, I just worry now.... I worry entirely too much... but what if having this leak caused me to lose more than I would have otherwise? Once it's gone, can I keep the weight off? I pray still, every day, that this dang thing heals. (and I struggle getting good protein in for my total day a LOT lately) But honestly, this leak is a mind f*$# too ya know? I am still going to the gym (even after hyper extending my flexor muscle in my left foot) and doing 7-9 miles when I go. So do I even give myself the possibility that I have worked my tail off to have such a large weight loss in such a short time? No. And isn't that sort of thought process what gets us into trouble in the first place? Not giving ourselves credit and instead only nit picking all that we have done or do wrong.... Or is that just me?   I get ppl that I hear talk crap about me behind my back. I never have understood jealousy (thank God) and I know that's what the root of ppl talking about me behind my back. The thing is... what I'm doing in this journey, I don't keep it a secret. And I'm happy to share what's worked for me vs. what's not working for you. But the thing that DOES piss me off... don't turn your self loathing onto me. That's one thing I cannot respect or fathom ya know? If you are angry at yourself for not doing what I am pushing myself to do, don't use my name as the target for what you are feeling. It's misguided. Go look in a mirror.   Then I see ppl on here or MFP many of the times with posts about not losing or stalling ..... ok, I have to admit this... I'm sorry, but I'm so tired of it. I attempt to be supportive of these ppl but whenever I ask - do you log your food? (are you logging every bite? you'd be amazed what 3 bites here or there equates to in caloric intake!) Do you exercise? (and omg when I tell them to do cardio 60-90 mins most days of the week, they totally shut up! but c'mon it's true...) Do you drink water? I usually get non-responses but the thing is - if you aren't doing these basic things, then you are probably better to not even ask why. You say you did this surgery to change your life. Well that's partially right. Some of these ppl, to me, I have to interpret it as you took the easy way into trying to change your life by having this surgery. By making that statement, I mean that there is an easy portion of weight loss involved after you cut 85% of your tummy out for every single one of us who've chosen to do this drastic measure. But then it stops and it relies on you and the environmental/head changes you attempt to instill. And in a year, whenever you can eat more, you better have gotten your stuff straight because it's real easy to slide back from what I understand. And that scares me, especially with my having all of these complications. So yeah, I'm pushing myself. Trying to get my own chit straight because I want to be a life long success story.   The other issue I have with posts like this... you give me a bad name. People look at me whenever I tell them I had surgery and it's this momentary UMMM HUMMMM. We all know that judgement from someone we've told or will tell. Well two words in my mind for those ppl: bite me. Yes, surgery has made my innermost dreams a reality but bite me because I AM doing 7-9 miles in the gym on a regular basis. I do track every stinking (and some days quite shameful) bites and I DO drink 7 glasses of 8 oz cups of water a day. Am I perfect? HECK NO.... no way, no how, no sir. But whenever I read these posts here or on MFP on what am I doing wrong.. well first on MFP have your diary shared. If you don't, then what can anyone look to see how you are doing and suggest changes? Plus, how are you being held accountable? Second, get back to basics before you ask that. By that I mean, clean house - are you planning your food or just running to sonic and or mcdonalds? are you getting water/protein/sleep/exercise as you know you should? But if you aren't doing the basics, it's time to either clean up what you are doing or tweak things up on those levels. You have the knowledge at your fingertips. The best marketing message in the last 20 years comes to mind........ JUST DO IT. Yes we all struggle with getting back to motivation, so that's where I lean most days and try to be supportive... but as I just read a whiny and somewhat angry post about stalling, it struck a nerve. My bad, sorry.   Ok my saying all of this is a venting/rambling session. Doesn't mean I won't support ppl who need help... but jeesh louise. Ya know?   So I guess this is another entry from rambling rita (my real name is stephanie but i call myself this as i brain dump here whatever thoughts are crowding my skull, in between my dogs coming to play, son coming to talk about wresting, hubs coming to ask me about x, y, or z... so pardon me!).   I truly wish everyone the best of luck on this journey. I have so much to learn and work on, but I'm trying to practice patience with myself.... and extend it even to others (with their crazy posts, lol).   Best always! xx Stephanie
4ALongerLife

4ALongerLife

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Rambling Insights

I came across this website the other night that really hit a resounding clang with me. First, in my non sensical rambling sort of style, let me explain..... at night, I truly struggle with grazing more than any other time of the day. So what I've "resorted" to doing is instead, drinking more water and more water and more water as well as searching for recipes to keep my diet interesting and low fat.   In my menu search, one of my stumbles was a site called "canyoustayfordinner.com", written by a lady that has lost 135 lbs by sheer determination and a year of working out. She is also very kind to share her thoughts and insight on why she had issues with food.   One of the things that she wrote about was her compulsive eating...   "Because my compulsive eating is a problem of psychology, it is deeply rooted in my emotions and it will only be "solved" when I allow myself to feel the things that I run away from."   Hmm, so what do YOU run away from? I can so easily see this in others, but in myself, it's a bit harder - as always right? So point to ponder ....   She continues to speak on books that helped her with these thoughts (i.e. Geneen Roth's 'when food is love', 'feeding the hungry heart', and 'women, food and god' - all of which I hope to find soon), but she continues to speak on the 'inclination to bolt', defining this as 'the intense desire to leave yourself, to flee, when life becomes difficult. It is the wanting to be anywhere but where you are.' And she describes that 'Food is the place to go and escape.' These thoughts really hit something in me. IDK that I'm 100% a bolter, but I do understand the sentiment, especially of food as the escape. And I know that I have triggers with these sort of emotions, in just the way she described as well. But it's funny/odd, I didn't realize it until I read it from someone else. I never thought of it in that context! THAT is the kind of support that I am searching for in my journey. Learning from others experience and seeing ourselves in their reflection. Just not centering it around food in the process (i.e. let's get together over lunch/dinner/etc).   She went on to say 'obsession in any form, is an avoidance of the present. It's a way to survive life.' I know for me, for a while, ashamedly I used food to survive. Once my mom died, it was like my heart was ripped out. To say my father was hateful after her death specifically to me is an understatement. His becoming ill with cancer and the way that he and my siblings treated me, as well as dealing with missing my mother, let's just say I did whatever I could just to survive. Once I 'got it back together' again (which took a while), I could NOT lose the weight. Part of it might be the thyroid issues that I have, but part of it was not. So I had WLS.   The point of reading this article for me was what she said she did to overcome her obsession with food. It was the realization of this tendency to bolt. It was learning how to live in being uncomfortable. She went on to say that you have to deal with uncomfortable feelings, emotions, situations in order to not miss the opportunity to grow, learn and be strong. To me, that translates too as learning to 'live in the moment.' And it also leaves me points to think about - how else am I uncomfortable in life lessons that I've turned to food to deal with things previously?   We all hear of "mindful eating" right? But it's not only applicable to eating. It's being mindful of the moment, any moment, in which we are living. That's hard. C'mon with all of the distractions that we have (kids, blackberries, conflicting schedules, back ground noise, etc etc etc). And I know it's especially one I struggle with whenever I'm out with a group, out with a comfy set of friends and especially once food is added into that mix.   So what does that mean for me? IDK yet. I can't "escape" from food, it's a daily thing I have to have. However, for now, I choose to manage my environmental influences. I choose to remove possible situations and/or people that could result in influencing me to make toxic decisions. Toxic choices against the weight loss that I've already achieved.   It means that I have to be mindful and I choose not to have too many toxic choices available in my life. At least for now, as I'm still learning how to deal with this weight loss, I feel that it's what I have to do to be successful. IDK if it's right or wrong, but I know one thing. I am almost to goal but it's funny how I KNOW the food addict just wants to come back out. I don't realize yet that I am that 'skinny girl' that someone is referring to. That I am 'the workout fiend' or whatever. I still am "just me", whatever that is, IDK quite yet. But I am mindful that the evil food addict still lives in me. I'm just not fully cognizant yet of all of the ways she comes about to rear her ugly head. So I'm glad to have stumbled across "canyoustayfordinner.com" because it was one more way for me to consider how to deal with this deeply psychologically rooted issue. It is something that I have to do every day (eat), but I have roots that go beyond just food that I'm dealing with, or rather trying to deal with! And I'll do whatever I have to to be in the 80% that are successful. I want it bad enough that I'm willing to give up things that might be wonderful, but could be toxic for me......... at least right now. Sorry to those that don't understand it, but best wishes to you. This choice, for now, is what I am going to do to hopefully be successful for me.   Additionally, a funny item that was included that I'd like to share... "Thinness is like Ikea furniture. It looks great in the showroom, but you have to get it home and assemble it yourself. Most times it doesn't look quite like you hoped." From looking at my naked self, now after 97 lbs lost, all I can say is..... so freak'n true, so true!
4ALongerLife

4ALongerLife

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My 1% Sleeve Experience... Continues (Yes, Pneumonia, Again) *whimpers*

Well, it's been a minute since I blogged. I don't know why... I feel like what voice do I have here? Some days, I honestly just don't feel funny. Some days I'm a whiny arsed brat. Well today's one of those days and here I am... but IDK why I am here. But I am.   I had surgery 3/5 originally; then readmitted with aspiration pneumonia (a complication from surgery, to which I believe it's due to too much anesthesia during surgery based on my prior history of having the same whenever I had a c-section), then a leak and revised 3/20. Then 7/4 or so, I went to the ER in the middle of the night as I woke up with body shaking, teeth chattering, would not stop chills that made me panic. I have never been so cold down into my bones in my life. I couldn't even move across the bed to nudge my husband (dang king sized beds... remember whenever you were dating, it didn't matter where you slept or how, just as long as you were together. Now I'm rather particular about my king sized tempurpedic. However, I digress).   Anywho, I went to my dr. about 2 weeks maybe ago... I have had consistent pain in my side and my shoulder since the pneumonia's reoccurence in July. She was going to pull my records from the hospital and check the xray, trying to save me some money I believe as the last visit's bill was about 2 G (can you freak'n believe for 3 hours of "care" in the ER it cost me 1400 and some change? That is LUDACRIS! ok lemme shush... but we wonder wth is wrong with healthcare.. here's one example! i only saw the dr. for 30-45 mins MAYBE. NUTS.). Well, she listened to my lungs and didn't hear any crackles. She told me instead that it sounded like I had a bone spur or osteoarthritis in my left shoulder. Oh thanks doc. Now I'm freak'n old. Just the thing I needed to hear. Well she was going to pull my XRays from the ER visit and get back to me.   A few days later, I called back as I had yet to hear. Well come to find out, they really wanted the CAT scan that I did (where the dr. told me something came up in the CAT scan as a possible mass on my shoulder. Um yeah, WHAT? My father died of cancer that came on suddenly so you hear "mass" and you are like WTH? I'm 38 so I was honestly like WTF but I was trying not to be crass, let's just be honest... I don't want to die anytime soon and I want to be healthy. Hello? It's why I paid out of my pocket for this surgery and why I work my assets off daily at the gym!). So they were trying to find the CAT scan because my regular dr. said it probably was an occlusion or a shadow since it wasn't the main area of focus in my CAT scan so she will review it and let me know.   Few days later, called back, as now I'm running a temperature and in much more pain. Left a VM for the nurse... second day no call back, I called this morning and they said go for an XRay. So 280-375 dollars later (not sure yet, they are "going to bill me"... ), guess who has PNEUMONIA AGAINNNNNNNNNNNNNN?   I feel like I cannot catch a break here people. I still say I don't regret surgery but some days I also think I want to sue the damn anesthesiologist who caused this crap in the first place. I know everyone makes mistakes though, but this is now playing with my life, my job, making money and keeping a job. Probably just speaking out of stress as my job is changing. I start my new one 9/4 and everyone at my current position has been so very lovely. I couldn't ask for more. Except I am... to stop getting sick, especially with pneumonia!   I am fearful now. Where did I pick it up? Walking past someone just non-chalant? Did I pick it up the last time I went into the gym and did a circuit routine? Now that the winter is coming, what do I do? Stop doing anything? How am I going to continue to lose to my goal and keep my weight down if so?   I feel so discouraged. I have less than 20 lbs to my goal. I have never in my life ever been this small (and don't get me even started that most ppl at my height and weight are 2-3 sizes smaller than me, GRRR!). Just sometimes, I get so freak'n tired of life "not being fair."   Yeah, sorry, I'm freak'n whining and being a brat. Through all of this, yes, I also am that TOM. God really has it "out" for me with the comedy now doesn't He?   Ok... I am going to end saying, it's not only God that tests us. But it is God that allows me the strength to get through my life challenges. So I still believe and rely on my faith in Him. I may be a frustrated, whiny brat, but... I am optimistic that I will continue to soar and reach a higher level through even these challenges. Or so I'm going to do my best to believe in that because if I don't, I'll live in fear of getting pneumonia that will kill me this winter.   So should you have made it through my long arsed, whiny, tear holding back post.... and if you pray... do me one favor. Say one for me. Just in case. thx xxxx
4ALongerLife

4ALongerLife

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Changing My Name To ... Plateau Patty, Grrrr

So I'm playing the game that I hate. It's "up a lb, down a lb" which is followed by "up a half lb., down a half lb" in my life. Does anyone else experience this? I think I'm cursed. I swear all I see is people losing more weight and I compare myself. Then I think "hello stop your whining you durn cry baby." lol... just being honest.   Here's the deal tho... I'm 10 weeks out and after receiving one of two hospital bills for my complications (I had aspriation pneumonia and a leak/abscess after my surgery, then revised surgery)... I'm just really wondering if this was worth it. Don't get me wrong, I know it was but.... if I knew then, what I knew now of my experience... would I still do it? In all undue honesty, yes, probably so. I've been fat since I was about 6 months old. Seriously, I have pix, I should scan them and post them. Not that anyone reads my posts Ok rambling, I just feel lonely in this journey and I'm a bit lost. I don't have a NUT, right now I can't afford one, my new insurance plan doesn't go into affect until June 1.... maybe I'm stuck in pity party central mode tonight, my apologies. Writing is supposed to help, heck how I used to cope isn't an option anymore (hello carbs and sweets, remember those days?).   I just wish I could let the worry over all of this go. It's made me feel more anxious than ever and I was craving a big ol' cookie today, so I indulged... too much but it's logged into myfitnesspal dag nab it! But how do I cope with this? IDK... I went to the gym and that's helped some. Otherwise, I type in a journal here (which reads like a bunch of mess that no one reads, damn pity party again grrr). Who else can I talk to about this? Honestly there are very few here that I've spoken to and surely my biatching rambling session is running the rest off. Sigh....   Well SHOULD anyone read this, and IF you do pray, even if you don't know me... please say a prayer for me. I'm being super hard on myself, worrying too much and looking at a few things that are stressing me out seriously (money being the top worry). I'm attempting to fight the demons that got me in this mess with weight as it is, I don't really need more items to push me into failure - I'm struggling enough playing the up/down game enough as is, aren't I? I don't want to be "undone" after having gone through all of this.....   Signed, Not the super sleever poster child of positivity   ... my apologies.... Pity party is officially over on 5/19, I swear!
4ALongerLife

4ALongerLife

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Cat Scan Happened Today

So I went for my CAT scan this morning. It was actually two CAT scans, one of my chest and one of my upper abdomen. Jeesh that crap is expensive. Thankfully on this insurance policy, I've met my deductible for the year. Unfortunately I begin a new job next week so I'll have a NEW deductible soon. I am praying that I won't be eaten up with more bills. I am thankful (or rather, trying to be) that God has given me the options of being able to make arrangements to pay most of these bills thus far. I'm praying that continues. And I'm not going to think of Bora Bora or Tahiti, my life long bucket list places that I dream of going, and how I probably could have if I would not have done all of this to myself. Anywho, I digress. Yeah I'm a rambling queen, what's new?   So the CAT scan was "interesting"... as interesting as having my large toe cut off slowly. The technician was someone that I knew from prior experience, very nice man. He said that the results will probably get to my pulmonologist either Wed. or Thurs. So then I'll know "what's next". My pulmonologist is a little bit 'different' so I'm praying that experience with him isn't as jarring as the last one that I had with him! You go in and have to drink these two large bottles of clear liquid. It's very sweet stuff, not far off from a protein bullet but not quite as alarming as one of those. I choked down the 1.5 bottles the tech told me to do, then off I went.   After the CAT scan was over, I took hubby to lunch. Least I could do since I "made" him take the day off. He was going to 'work from home' and just go with me but I didn't want him half here you know? That was the other day whenever I cried so much I swole my eyes shut that I made him take the day off, but c'est la vie. I am better today after having spoken to my bariatric dr. yesterday. I fully trust Dr. Meyers. He is a skilled surgeon who has helped me so much in all of these bills and figuring out what is next. He told me that if they find a cavity or area of trapped cells somewhere in between my diaphragm and lungs, they would probably have to get a cardiac thoracic surgeon to drill it out. It would be done laproscopically, but still he said to call him and let him know so I can discuss who is on my plan and who is good to do this if needed. If it's not a cavity or pocket of cells, then it might just be 'water' in my lungs leftover from the first surgery... then my pulmonologist can drain that himself per my bariatric dr. I hope that's the case. And I'm praying all of this just gets resolved.   After lunch with hubby (btw, we made a 'good' choice today in managing my environment... we went to cowboy chicken and had rotisserie drumsticks with campfire veggies and watermelon and split it). Then I went to macy's... every year I try to remember in August to go look at bathing suits for next year. So this year, I reallllly needed to. I got 10 pieces for $48! And I even got one bikini. Who the hell is this girl buying a two piece? IDK but whenever we hopefully go somewhere next year (or the year after, we'll see) then I'll be wearing that. But not at the community pool, like I need to see PTA peops in a bikini with my scars.   Who knows though... I might just get that daring after all.   Thank you to anyone and everyone who has been praying for me. I truly don't have words to tell you how much I appreciate it. Felicia you are the bomb btw. She may never see this, but I sincerely appreciate all of your texts and prayers.   tc, write soon... xx
4ALongerLife

4ALongerLife

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Blah Blah Blah..... Stall?

Ok I feel like rambling and IDK why. It's usually whenever I'm upset and IDK that I am upset.... worried still, story of my life.   I've had ppl tell me I'm too quickly going back to the gym on the elliptical and that's heavy in my mind tonight. I went again tonight, yes, I know..... but I did two miles on the elliptical and one mile on the treadmill (level 7 incline, boo yeah!). But am I pushing myself too much too soon?   Should you say yes, I won't tell you that I cleaned out my car for about 1.5 hours after the gym... and I **** and span cleaned it out ... every nook and cranny! I love a clean ride... they are so few and far between since I had a kiddo. Yes, I'm old fashioned hand detailed which means I do it myself. Oops that has to be activity... I didn't put that in fitnesspal yet... brb.   I get on the scale and think I've gone up a 1/2 lb. Better than with my gym shoes on, then it was 1.5 I think. I've been doing myfitnesspal for the last um 3 days, as I was encouraged to do so, but no friends. Wish I had some to tell me 'try this' or something. But you know I've been on here for a brief minute and how many "friends" do I have? {Sidebar: Thank you Janneth! You've pulled me out of my shell a bit! It's honestly hard for me... thank you!} Otherwise, I just think I'm no longer good with people. Idk if it was the fat or if it was the death or my sister and brother after my parents death and those experiences (oh jeesh no boo hoos but I'm just say'n the facts or possibilities). For a long time I lost myself in a stupid game on a social site. Even more out of the real world. That's changed recently but I still feel like a social moron. Then that relates to my job. And since I work as a contractor and possibly soon my contract might be ending, well, I worry......   Something, somewhere in me, I've lost my confidence since I had this leak/abscess. I'm scared, still. I pray every day, about 4 times a day "please God let the leak be healed up and I never go back to the hospital." Maybe I just need something else to obsess on... which brings me back to the gym. Is that it? I AM bored, trying to figure out what now - or is that just life in general? For a while in my life, I felt like I was in the palm of God's hand. Somewhere I don't feel that like I did before. Have I done something wrong or am I just nutzo?   Oh my this is depressing. My apologies. I just am in a weird mood. Not a funk, but just overanalyzing and thinking about the future and goals. Worried that the penduluum swung to great and I'm swinging back to the other side, where I'm generally more familiar. I am hoping that I can meet and/or exceed the few goals that I do have in mind at this time, but hoping that I find some other ones for my career and life in the meantime. (do we all just get blah in life sometimes? i'm 38, perhaps that's normal once your kids get to a certain age? yes, rambling, sorry...)   Hope you guys are having an amazing week! Truly, sincerely ... with hugs.
4ALongerLife

4ALongerLife

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Attitude Adjustment

IDK if it's fear or what, but my 'tude isn't where I'd like it to be right now.   Part of it is this freak'n leak that I am dealing with. Then to come here and read someone's post that hasn't even had surgery yet that says most ppl with leaks/complications have either caused them themselves or their dr's have or a botched surgery, I'm sorry, but it really pisses me off.   And why? IDK this person. And I don't care to. Doesn't matter a hill of beans what she thinks nor says. So why's it incite something inside of me?   Because I am scared. To the point I find myself crying the last few days on occassion. I rarely cry anymore. Well unless I talk of my family, then that's a whole other ball game (you'd have to know the players to understand the game! so's to speak... anywho, I digress, shocking huh?).   I AM scared. What if I never heal? What if I have to have surgery AGAIN? What if this new job that I just got fires me for something minor/contrived if I take off time to deal with all of this? What if I did something wrong to have caused this? What if I put it off the fix for months, will I continue to be in pain so much that I could slap someone? (as was the case today, which worries me since I have a high pain tolerance according to my last two hospitalizations) What if what if what if.... AHHHH just hush. I need to center and just quiet it all.   Sometimes, as hard as it is to "believe"..... **** JUST happens. It just DOES. In this highly litigous society, where everyone is a "celebrity" and "entitled" to voicing their opinion via statuses on fb/twitter/etc, I just get tired of the lack of common courtesy in the things ppl say or do, as well as the judgements that goes along with it. No one wishes to have that treatment, so why is it so quick to be dished out?   Sometimes things JUST GO WRONG. Etiology undetermined, aka no identifiable root cause. I have spoken to enough dr's and other professionals regarding my health status to know this statement to be fact as it pertains to me. But I get tired of a large percentage of the world that speaks of what they don't know or ask questions that are rather crass in the manner in which they are worded (omg what did you do to cause this?) ......... really, I am struggling enough here.   Perhaps MIA for a while is best. I hate that I'm being quite this emotional and even moreso admitting to it, but hell, I am a realist. So MIA? IDK if that's best for me. Hiding under a rock with all of this crappus floating around in my head... IDK. So ending point is.... if you read this, and if you care, please say some prayers for me. I hope God isn't disappointed in what I feel in my heart. I am honestly struggling right now. I've been fighting so much for so long, I'm just tired and... I am scared, I am frustrated, I am tired. It's a foolish waste of energy, but it is what it is.   Rambling rita out.... xxx
4ALongerLife

4ALongerLife

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