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About this blog

This is a huge life changing event. It's scary but it's necessary

Entries in this blog

 

Happy Although Imperfect

I won't lie to anyone it is hard work trying to live with out food as my crutch and sometimes (even with the surgery) I fall short of my ideal behavior when it comes to food. There are people who have told me that I've taken the easy way out. I disagree with them but I don't waste my breath arguing with them anymore. Even with the surgery I still have to closely monitor what I eat and be more active. The surgery has given me the help I need to lose weight but it doesn't mean that I woke up from the surgery cured of my old bad food habits. But I manage my eating much better. I'm encouraged that I'm moving closer to where I want to be. Good things that have happened to me since my surgery: I can walk to my car without having to stop and take a breath
I'm not in constant pain because of my knees
I have given away over 10 bags of clothes that are way too big for me--I'm down 4 sizes so far
People sit next to me on the train (I used to feel so guilty taking up two seats when the train was crowded)
I cooked dinner at thanksgiving and it didn't wear me out --being on my feet for a few hours easy peasy
I look in the mirror and I recognize myself!
I do have a figure(my waist line is returning)
my bath sheets wrap around me there's no big gap!
there is really cute lingerie in my size
Oh my doctors have taken me off a couple of my meds
I realize I can only eat so much so I visually measure out a cup of food and that's my meal
There's a lot of little things but mainly I'm just thankful that I was able to do this surgery. I'm grateful that my insurance covered it and I'm grateful that I chose the right program. I feel really blessed by the whole experience problems and all.
Marisa46

Marisa46

2
 

So Far So Good

I haven’t blogged in a while…fortunately my silence hasn’t been because of anything horrible. I’ve just been adjusting to normal life and the adjustment period is full of surprises.   The major surprise has been that I’m lactose intolerant now. I never had a problem with dairy before my surgery so the problem knocked me for a loop (literally). I don’t normally drink milk, but one day I decided I wanted an iced mocha; the line at the Starbucks was too long so I decided to try the 7 Eleven “Chiller”. That drink is milk pure and simple. I was able to drink about a fourth of it. 30 minutes later the fun began! I finally had to leave work early.   Now this isn’t horrible, except that I love cheese. The lactose intolerance explains why I felt so awful and tired all the time too. I had huge problems with nausea even with the medication I was given. I had been using Greek yoghurt and cottage cheese as my go to foods because they’re convenient and loaded with protein. I returned to work on July 16th; but I never worked a full week until the week of August 6th. Since I removed all dairy from my diet, I’ve done very well.   I’m learning that I won’t necessarily like the same foods that I used to. Sweets taste way too sweet now. I don’t like bread, but I enjoy those Wasa crackers I used to describe as being edible cardboard. Meats I still love. This weekend I had a steak. I love red meat and I was worried that it was something that I was going to have to give up so I’m very pleased that there were no problems.   The next challenge is exercise. Now that I’m not nauseous all the time, it’s time for those walks. I’m a horrible couch potato but hey it’s what I have to do.
Marisa46

Marisa46

0
 

Love And Other Misunderstandings

So, I'm mad at my brother Kevin and in response to being mad I stuff 2 chicken nuggets down my mouth quickly. Stuffing my face made me sick (nausea and heartburn). Having to face issues directly is such a pain in the ass but I'm going to have to learn how to feel angry with out hurting myself.   Somehow, writing about my struggle with my emotions in this blog helps me to understand my destructive behavior. Maybe understanding how stuffing my face is harmful to me now will help me correct the behavior. I hope so.   I have problems soothing the frustration I feel when I'm angry. I just don't know what to do with the feelings so I try to make them go away by eating. That strategy is not going to work anymore, but I want an easy way to deal with the anger and frustration. Hiding from emotions -- concentrating on the food instead of the feelings--has always seemed to be the easiest thing to do. Surgery has made that strategy almost as unpleasant as the emotions themselves.   When I'm angry, I feel like I need to act. The actions that first come to my mind(hitting, screaming, etc) are not acceptable. Eating used to be an enjoyable way to comfort myself. Anger and frustration reqire my immediate attention and I tried to calm myself by what was always immediately available--Food. I have to learn how to respond to my anger and frustration in a positive way. (DUH) So much easier to say than to do.
Marisa46

Marisa46

7
 

I Miss Food

OK, it has been 20 days since my surgery (REALLY???!!!!) My physical problems have been minor issues that develop when I DON'T follow the rules (i.e. although you may with effort make any food mushy, it's best not to push the envelope too far).   My primary problems are all in my head. I'm not hungry even though I average maybe 650 calories a day. I don't have a taste for anything now that the liquid stage is over and I'm on soft foods. I'm grateful for not being physically hungry and not having cravings; however, I have a huge problem with trying to find something else besides food to comfort me.   The last week has been hectic. I am on the east coast (DC suburbs) and the violent storm that came through our area made for a couple of challenging days. I'm not complaining about the storm because I was extremely fortunate to get my power (air conditioning) back on so soon. But I also had to offer aid to family who weren't so lucky. Then when the fallout from the storm seemed to be taken care of my nephew who lives with me was in a car accident and taken to the county hospital emergency room. Then one day later my brother had to have emergency surgery.   I'm not going to go on about any of these incidents simply because we all have problems and we all have to learn how to cope successfully with our problems. Unfortunately, my coping mechanism has always been food so not being able to stuff my face has made me more anxious.   I did worry about not being able to use food as a coping mechanism before the surgery and I can honestly say I was right to worry; however, I was worring about the wrong thing. I worried that I would make myself sick (literally hurt myself) by stuffing my face in a crisis. I'm not saying that I have been following my nutrition guidelines faithfully or that I am not tempted to start chomping on doritos, chocolate, or whatever. When I think of stuffing my face, I automatically think that stuffing myself is going to make me hurt. I hate pain.   Fortunately, at this point, I may be safe from damaging myself after being sleeved. Unfortunately, my problem is more subtle and a lot harder to explain. I think not being able to stuff my face is contributing to my depression. I just feel so sad when I think about my family's problems, the world's problems, my cat's problems... I 'm not saying that being sleeved is making me sadder. I'm admitting that even after over a year of therapy about why I eat I haven't developed an adequate substitute for eating to bury my emotions.   While I have been writing this blog entry a thought crept into my mind. I should change the title. I don't miss food. The great thing about being sleeved and being blessed with an easy recovery is that I haven't been deprived of anything after the surgery. My surgeon's nutrition guidelines are very generous compared to other practices. What I miss is using food as an antidote to sadness.
Marisa46

Marisa46

3
 

Post Surgery Day 1

The surgery itself went well; unfortunately, I was held hostage until I could pee on my own   My surgery was at 10:30 AM Monday. Really the pain was light and I was only dimly aware of the pain from the incisions in the recovery room. What bothered me in recovery was a very sore throat and dry mouth; the nurses on Dr on staff made sure that I was given something to help me with it right away. I didn't get transfered to the floor until late (around 9:30 PM ). Walking was easy, I took a walk around the recovery room and then later before I went to sleep I took a spin around the bariatric ward. It was easier each time I walked, but I did take the wrong corner on my Tuesday morning walk and met a number of office workers. Poor people I was not a pretty sight!   I experienced a problem with the iv drip on the bariatric ward. Unlike the recovery room, the bariatric ward combines the pain killer and the fluids with one drip. I did have a hard time with the dual iv-it made my fingers swell and the pain killers didn't numb that pain. My night nurse was sympathetic and helped me by switching the iv to another hand. My day nurse was another story (I swear why do people who lack empathy go into medicine?) I was part of the Nurse Cynthia show! I'll stop right there because I'm praying for an answer about how to handle her. But in a nutshell, I had had my swallow test and had passed i; I don't know why she waited to get permission to get the iv taken out; I was in pain for hours longer than I needed to be and it wasn't because she couldn't find a doctor. Being on fluids and the iv just made matters worse. By the time she finally asked the Dr on duty my hands had swollen to the point where I couldn't hold my cell.The more liquid that went in me the bigger my hands got.   Once the iv was out and I was only on the fluids the swelling in my hands gradually went down. Everytime, I eliminated the swelling got better although it did take over 24 hours. My hands were not normal until around 7PM. That's the one thing I hadn't read about on the site; all of my experience (except wicked Cynthia) were described by someone else. So maybe my sharing will help a future sleever.   I'm on percocet at home; it works fine, but I'm determined to only take it at night. I have a huge fear of being adicted so I can't wait until I pour the pills in the toilet. I praise God for a successful procedure and I look forward to getting stronger each day. Cheers!
Marisa46

Marisa46

0
 

Monday Morning Sleeve

This is actually the first day that I've been aprehensive and scared about having the surgery. It's strange but there it is. I asked myself if I wanted to call it off. My answer to myself from my heart was that I won't live my life without. Honestly, I feel like all of this fat is burying me. I don't want to live my life in bed and that seems to be where I'm headed if I don't have the surgery. I know I'm going to have physical pain. I know that my emotions are probably going to see saw. I know that the alternative to the surgery is much worse than the pain. I expect the pain to be gone in a few weeks. I place myself in my Lord's hands; I know that the surgery is the right choice and it's just the prospect of pain that frightens me. I know that I'm not going to walk this path alone. I am thankful for God's grace.   Robin a friend sent me this prayer. Saying it gives me such a sense of peace. I'd like to share it:   Father, we come in the name of our Savior Jesus the Christ, first of all to thank you for this beautiful day that you have made that we will rejoice and be glad in. Thank you for being an all powerful, ever present, all knowing God who is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we can think or ask. Thank you also for being a God who heals and delivers. Father we ask that right now you would touch my body with your healing hands and that your healing power would be at work before during and after my surgery. We ask that you would begin to prepare my body for the upcoming surgery even now. Father, we ask that you would give me your peace, your calm, your comfort, and your assurance. We ask that you would even now begin to regulate my bodily functions so that all will be well and in working order during the procedure. We ask that you begin to prepare the surgeons, nurses, anesthesiologists, and every medical professional who will contribute to her care on Monday. Give them clarity of thought. Please bring all of the necessary medical knowledge to their remembrance so that they will know exactly what to do during my procedure. Please let my recovery be a smooth and uncomplicated one. May I be back on myfeet in no time and be ready to continue taking on the world and honoring you with my life. God, we thank you that you are a faithful God who hears and answers prayers and we’re believing for all the best for Monday. We love you and we honor you. In Jesus’ name we pray and thank you. Amen.
Marisa46

Marisa46

3
 

Counting Down

OK, my surgery is Monday the 18th! 3 days away! I'm excited and tired right now. I keep wanting to have a farewell to food party, but I'm much better off doing what I'm supposed to.   Am I prepared? Yes and no. I am prepared to have the surgery and I have no second thoughts about whether having the surgery is a good idea. But my surgery date came so quick, I don't think I'm completely prepared for post surgery. One of my faults is I don't like to wing it. Fortunately, the program at UMMC provides an instruction manual. The manual includes a checklist of items that are helpful or necessary after the surgery.   It's so hard to believe the date is really so close! All of the work getting to this point makes me smile now. I can't wait for Monday!
Marisa46

Marisa46

3
 

Tiny Violins

In high school, my friend Shelley used to imitate the world's smallest violin with her thumb and forefinger whenever I or one of my other friends were whining about something. I feel so stupid because this liquid diet does suck but it is supposed to suck so I shouldn't complain! But I am. Constantly.   It's not just wanting to eat, but it's the diminished capacity too. The last 2 days I've misplaced my glasses and my Ipod (which still hasn't shown up) and everytime I start a chore I find I feel a little woozy and have to sit down. I went to the grocery store this morning (and I forgot the cat food); going grocery shopping wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I was worried that I would give in to temptation and buy something to eat in the store that I shouldn't. I stuck to my guns and told myself that I can do this thing.   When I got home, I still put strawberries in my muscle milk with ice to make a smoothie. I'm not perfect. I think I'm too mean right now to feel guilty. Maybe tomorrow, but those strawberries were the last of the quart I brought earlier in the week before I knew my surgery day. I know I'm rationalizing but hey I need the energy. (the violin plays on)   I have to start thinking about the surgery and the hospital. I'm not prepared; I honestly thought I would have another month; however, I'm glad it's working out this way. I keep thinking that 10 days of torture is better than 14 days. The nutritionist said that headaches, cravings, and delusions about food were normal during the first few days. I keep thinking about ribs which is weird because ribs aren't my favorite food. But to be honest I think about food in general. I also want to cuss out my ex. He hasn't done anything recently, but ( just on general princible )I want to tell him all the things I have been too Christian to say. Actually, I think I'd better hang with myself this weekend if I still want friends after this ordeal. Everyone is so annoying!   BTW, the strawberries with ice in vanilla muscle milk is definately a keeper. Oh, and lemon in hot water really does help with the hunger pangs.
Marisa46

Marisa46

4
 

Omg! June 18Th!

Yesterday, I received a call from my Doctor's office with a date for my surgery. It's a good month before I thought I would be able to have it done. The date is June 18th. As of last night I'm on a liver shrinking diet. The diet sucks. Would it really be so bad if I just put a pork chop in my mouth and sucked on it? Or if I puree mashed potatoes and gravy (I could even add protein powder!)   I just keep repeating my mantra "Please God help me to be strong I really want this to work. I feel like this is my last chance to get back to normal. It's been such a long time since I took walks for pleasure, shopped in a department store, or fit in any chair. I just keep remembering that this liquid diet is the beginning of a new life and the end of my old frustratingly exhausting life. At least I can have coffee until the surgery! And if I smack someone I think a jury of my peers will understand.
Marisa46

Marisa46

8
 

Still Waiting

I am still waiting for a date. It's kind of nerve wracking because I feel like my life is in limbo until the surgery is approved. I just keep telling myself that all of my tests were as expected with no big surprises (I did have a minor infection but 3 days of antibiotics got rid of it). I know I have to be positive but it's weird. I tell myself everything is going to be fine and then a little voice in my head goes 'what if such and such'.   It's 4:26 PM so it is unlikely that my call is coming today. Maybe tomorrow {sigh}
Marisa46

Marisa46

2
 

Wednesdays

I had my first psycho therapy session in over a month. I usually schedule the sessions on Wednesday afternoons because I telecommute that day. Unfortunately scheduling conflicts occured with all of the pre surgery doctor visits. I'm wondering now if one of the reasons that I am so down these days is that I haven't talked through my issues.   I honestly think exploring why and how I eat was a very good decision on my part. My therapist has had WLS fairly recently so she can understand when I talk about my fear of not losing weight, or my fear that I won't be able to hide behind my weight anymore. She also tries to understand when I talk about being afraid that my depression will sabatoge the surgery.   I have not been very social in the last few months; I go out once in a while with friends but my regular week day is like this: Wake up; shower etc, commute, work, commute, lie in bed when I get home. I don't know how to get out of this dark mood and be myself again. Clinical depression sucks. It sucks because nothing is funny or fun anymore and petty annoyances (a boss who feels that talking to me is intimidating) and 'real life issues' (like my mother's dementia and my father just being himself) are not improving. One of the reasons that I am having this surgery is that I want to get out more. It's embarassing but execising hurts now. Exercise used to make me feel good.   I pray and I pray. I do feel better. I feel relieved and calm when I pray and I can stop myself from stuffing my face. It's funny I turned to food for comfort but the comfort is never there. I hate myself for overeating and I'm physically miserable when I'm stuffed. I realize that I can be my own enemy in choosing to do something that harms me in different ways.   One day at a time; each day as it's own. I remember that God loves me and I smile on the inside too.
Marisa46

Marisa46

1
 

Wait And See

I have done all of my tests. I'm not sure what comes next. Will the surgeon call me for an appointment before he submits the paperwork? I guess it's not so bad. I know who will be reviewing my paperwork at the insurance company (everyone on the bariatric program is assigned a case officer). I have absolutely no control over how long this part of the process will take.   So while I'm playing the waiting game, I have been trying to practice some of the lifestyle changes that I will need to master. So far, the only thing I do well is chew my food to death before swallowing. Not drinking with meals is so hard! I'm getting better at it but it feels weird monitoring when I drink. I've spent most of my adult life guzzling down water to make sure I drank 64 ounces so timing no liquids 30 min before or after a meal is very strange. But I'm going to do it.   The one new thing I'm worried about is the hormone changes that I keep reading about. I'm not in a relationship now and I hate wanting a man when I don't have one! Honestly, I'm supposed to work on my 'boundaries' in my relationships with men; but and this is a bit BUT I'm not going to have any boundaries if I'm horny as an ugly toad...Who knows maybe I'm worrying for nothing about everything. My hormones could become more stable after this or just stay the same.   I'm at lunch I wish I could call it a day at work but time to go back to what I get paid to do.
Marisa46

Marisa46

0
 

A Coke And A Smile

One key stroke and I lost everything I wrote! I forgot to save as I was typing. Oh well, I was just explaining how I realize that today I may be drinking my last coca-cola forever. I only drink cokes when things rub me the wrong way at work (it's the equivalent of the old 3 martini lunch for me)   Fortunately, this doesn't happen often. I haven't had a coke since January. Now, unless I'm going to start going through a rough patch at work I may (cross my fingers) be sleeved by my next bad day! Coke is going to be out of the question. Nursing my problems with food and drink are a thing of the past. I have to figure out satisfying ways that comfort me but that do not involve food.   I've done a lot of work on why I eat and recognizing how I sabotage myself but I've never been able to substitute walks, lipsticks, etc for food. Things change and I am designating this drink as my last coke no matter what. Once I have my date, I will follow every damn rule I'm given and that means no carbonation. So I might as well start now, I know I wont be perfect but I'm going to try.   So, I raise my can to say goodbye to Coca-Cola, we had a good run! Maybe I'll suck on a lemon next time I'm mad with the world like I did when I was a kid...
Marisa46

Marisa46

8
 

The Easy Way....

Weight loss surgery is the easy way out....I'm shaking my head and laughing as I type that. I honestly think that some people believe that surgery is a magic wand. Once the surgery is over I will be thin with no effort.   , raspberries, that's all I can say to that. I have been poked and prodded so much this past month. I usually only see a doctor a few times a year for an annual and BP follow up. All of these doctor visits are difficult because it's not just one doctor, it's many different people (doctors, nurses, techs) I like to keep my privates--private as much as possible. But physical privacy is impossible. Yet, there are people who think I'm taking the easy way out! UGH! I haven't even gotten to the hard parts yet! I feel like a wimp.   There are good things happening though. I'm getting closer to being approved for the surgery; Wednesday, is the last appointment for the prerequisite medical testing that I have. My hope is that I will be approved and have a date by mid-June. There's a part of me that is worried that I'm not in a good enough place mentally to have the surgery. It's difficult for me to judge but I think that I just need to move forward. My therapist thinks that I am in a good space emotionally to have the surgery. I am willing to make the changes necessary and have started some things but I'm still scared.   Wouldn't you think that I would be frightened of the surgery itself? Especially since I am afraid of hospitals! Blech! The surgery in itself does not bother me. It's the afterwards that I'm scared of. Changing my habits and doing the things that I need to do to be successful. I don't want to disappoint myself.
Marisa46

Marisa46

4
 

Asking For Help

I am in a weird place right now. Emotionally strange territory for me; I'm preparing for the surgery with all of the diagnostic tests; but I don't have a date for the surgery. I'm in this I'm pretty sure things are on track but I can't be entirely certain. Sort of an emotional no man's land. I'm not sure if I should be excited or apprehensive and I'm frequently both emotions at the same time.   Wednesday is my endoscopy; I'm arranging for a ride to and from the hospital. I thought I would be able to drive myself home but since the procedure is being done under general anesthesia I will need a ride. I hate asking for favors from people. It's silly of me to feel that way since I readily do or give whatever is asked of me by family and friends. My therapist asked me why I have such a hard time asking for help. I didn't and still don't know the answer. I feel like I should be capable of doing everything myself and since I've never married I'm used to doing everything or paying someone to do it.   If I ask for help I have to explain to the person why I need their assistance. Maybe I'm very secretive by nature or maybe I feel as if the person is judging me? I don't think it's fair for me to think that the people I'm asking are that small, because, my friends and family are good ( not perfect ) people. The fear is my hangup.
Marisa46

Marisa46

4
 

Forward March!

Yesterday was a major day in advancing my surgery goals. I got another Cardiologist; I just couldn't see myself continuing a professional relationship with someone who obviously has no respect for me. When I go to a doctor I go for a reason--a very specific reason. I don't go for opinions on my life (unless it's my therapist of course)!   Anyway, my insurance company encouraged me to find another specialist in the network after that if I wasn't comfortable; the rep even said I could go to a third. My new Cardiologist is putting me through every test my insurance company has pre-authorized. While I think it's a pain to have to go back, I'm pleased. I'm pleased because the doctor did not insult me and she gave me explanations when I asked for them.   Earlier this week, I sat down with one of my employer's HR reps to discuss FMLA and disability leave. The rep explained to me that it's a good idea for me to hand in FMLA paperwork with the disability forms. Even though after 2 weeks, I would be paid from the short term disability plan the FMLA claim holds my job. Job protection is what she called it. She had a lot of advice about working the system that I hadn't heard before so I'm glad I spoke with her.   I'm not feeling discouraged anymore... I still worry about being successful with the behavior modifications. I never realized how much I enjoy liquids with my meals. It's so hard not to drink with lunch and dinner! I try to chew my food to a pulp but how do I know I've chewed it enough. One person said I have to chew until it's liquid. So I chew and chew and never get it too a liquid state. I tried to do a day on a liquid diet. I didn't make it past lunch. I was really bummed then I read instructions for it and realized I did it all wrong! I have an edoscopy scheduled for May 2 and the cardiac tests are scheduled for the 9th. Once those are done I have everything on my surgeons list of what I need before he will give me an OK. I was hoping that I would have the surgery at the end of May but that date doesn't seem realistic now.
Marisa46

Marisa46

0
 

Seems Fair

I talked to my insurance company. If I go to another cardiologist my insurance will consider a 2nd opinion follow up. Actually the rep encouraged me to go to another doctor. Evidently, the insurance company has been getting a rash of claims for a new and very expensive cardiac diagnostic test. I was a little worried because I don't know anything about medical tests and I don't want to get stuck paying for a test they won't cover. The rep told me to simply get the medical billing code for the procedure to check to see that the test is covered. EKG and ECHO or regular stress tests are no problem though.
Marisa46

Marisa46

0
 

Cardiologist Distress

The medical profession amazes me. Some of those doctors! They feel they have the right to give an opinion on things that have nothing to do with why I'm there. I love questions like "no children? Whose idea was that?" I had hoped that I would only need one cardiology visit to get cleared for surgery. The doctor feels that I should have a stress test even though my other tests are normal. "At your weight ...."   I am just going to take a few deep breaths. I have an appointment with my PCP in an hour. I like her she takes the time to explain things to me and answer my questions no matter how dumb. I'm going to try not to be too down about one insensitive person. The world is full of them and I have to have a tougher skin.
Marisa46

Marisa46

1
 

Miles To Go

Yesterday, I had my first appointment with my surgeon, Dr. Lo Menza, in Baltimore, MD. I was still nervous and excited. I thought that on the whole the appointment went well; the only damper on the visit is that I don't like the Nutritionist!   I swear she spent 15 minutes telling me that my diet documentation was unacceptable. I explained to her that the INSURANCE COMPANY had already approved it (the nurse assigned to my case asked for it right away because if it wasn't acceptable then at least I could start the six month documentation period right away). The more the Nutritionist droned on (in her icky whispery voice) that my Weight Watchers documentation wasn't good and she didn't ....blah blah blah. I'll just leave it that I don't like the woman.   I'm no less excited but now I'm a little scared too! I got a list of things that Dr. Lo Menza needs before the sleeve can be approved and the date set. That's not the part that worries me; just a visit to my primary care, a cardiologist, and having an EGD done. I can handle a few more medical appointments.   What frightens me is that pre-surgery liquid diet. Oh man! What hell they can come up with. I don't know if I can do it. I guess the only thing I can do is pray to God to get me through it and take each day as it's own.   Matthew 6:34
Marisa46

Marisa46

4
 

Beginnings

Every ending is a beginning...endings are hard...change is difficult...so why do we change?     I have a tendency to over think things but I can't stop thinking that I'm experiencing a beginning and an ending at the same time. I’m beginning a more sane controlled relationship with food, and I’m ending my relationship to food as my toxic and nourishing best friend.   I have my first appointment this Wednesday, April 4. I am scared, excited, happy, and worried. I worry that I will fail to lose weight--I will be the only person who doesn’t lose a pound after having this procedure. I think I am insane for entertaining such a preposterous thought. I want to concentrate on all of the positives about the decision to have the gastric sleeve surgery and I feel horrible for allowing myself to get SO fat in the first place.   I’ve told my family and friends who are for the most part supportive but a couple of people wonder why I don’t just lose the weight in the regular way. I have been trying the regular way. I did weight watchers and NutriSystem; I hired a trainer; I counted calories; I even tried to be a Vegan once. I gained and lost and gained. I would not consider doing surgery if I didn’t feel that this step is the only way I’ll be able to sustain a considerable weight loss. I don’t mind losing my best friend now. I’m tired of being ashamed of myself. At the same time, I’m scared that this is too hard for me! I’m going to stop whining (for the night at least) and I’m going to take care of myself in a positive manner. After all, that’s why I’m having the surgery in the first place.
Marisa46

Marisa46

2
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