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About this blog

Making the impossible, possible

Entries in this blog

 

Fear & Addiction

Over the last several months, I have gained six pounds. You would not think that would be a big deal but my body can feel it. I wake up exhausted and I struggle through the day. This past week I have been thinking about why I can’t seem to continue my weight loss. I am happy that I have lost over 100 pounds, but I have another 50 to lose. By the early part of this year I stopped losing weight. That was a little frustrating but I kept it in perspective. I told myself that I have been very successful thus far and I should be proud of what I have accomplished. Reluctantly, I stopped trying to lose weight and have done a decent job of maintaining it.   It’s been about nine months and I’ve been thinking that I need to get back to losing the last bit of weight. If I don’t, my fear is that I will let myself go and end up right back where I started. I know that losing the weight will be a dramatic change for me and will make me healthier and give me more energy.   But there is a fear inside of me that is stopping me from moving forward. This is the same fear that took me up to 330 pounds and would not allow me to lose that weight for over 10 years. I lost the weight but I did not conquer the fear. The only way I was able to lose the weight was by getting surgery to have 85% of my stomach removed so that I would be physically unable to eat. When you think about it, it sounds rather barbaric.   I’ve been trying to figure out what the fear is so that I can face it. It is a fear of success or is it a fear of losing pleasure or is it just an addiction?   Before my surgery, I used to think I had a fear of success because I was emotionally comfortable being overweight and didn’t know how I would act or react to being “thin”. I think this is partly why I have been content at my new weight. I’ve lost a significant amount of weight; enough to make the surgery a “success”. I went from a Body Mass Index of 56% to 36.8%. While it is an impressive drop, a BMI of 36.8% is not thin. I have gone from super morbidly obese to just obese. I remain emotionally comfortable in my weight because I still consider myself fat.   While a small part of me feels flattered, mostly it makes me feel self-conscious and uncomfortable when I am complimented on my weight loss or the way I look. A person giving me a compliment is a foreign concept and I often do not know how to process what they are saying. Outwardly, I smile and say “Thank you” but inside it feels as if I am holding a dead bird in my hand that I don’t know what to do with. Am I afraid of holding on to too many dead birds?   The other part of the problem of course is more complicated; it is the food addiction. Food is pleasurable. The act of eating is pleasurable. I like pleasure and use it as an escape from myself and my stress. Lately, work has been very stressful and I have not been able to control myself when it comes to eating. The sad thing is, I know what I am doing and I continue to do it. The sad thing is, the food does not reduce the stress but I keep eating.
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

4
 

Reflections on last year

Just a little over a year ago, I wrote about what I thought 2012 would be like for me. I was experiencing a lot of stress at the time thinking how drastically my life would transform by having weight loss surgery, adopting a baby and potentially changing my job; three major life changes.   The weight loss journey has been a unique ride into a bizarre world where I am valued and found to be attractive by people around me. While it was difficult physically, it was not any harder than what I had expected. Mentally and emotionally, the journey has been surreal. I’m still not sure what to make of everything and I’m still trying to get used to this new life.   I was very anxious about my surgery. I was worried about having medical complications and I was concerned about the impact the surgery would have on my life. Fortunately, I had nothing to worry about. The surgery and recovery went smoothly. I was worried about standing out in a crowd or drawing attention to myself because of my dietary needs. My anxiety was unfounded as I have discovered that I am no different than anyone else except that I eat less food. I don’t mind telling waiters and fellow diners that I’ve had surgery and therefore am not able to eat large quantities of food. I am not ashamed of my surgery in the least. I know I could not have lost this weight without the surgery.   Last year, I had a lot of new experiences with food and people. My goal this year will be to take what I learned last year and apply it. I still have 60 pounds I want to lose. I need to focus on my recovery and weight loss once again like I did a year ago. It is necessary for me to use what I learned about protein shakes, eating slowly, and making better food choices to take my journey to the next level.   I bought bicycles last year but did not use them very much. After losing weight I was more active than I had ever been before. I went on several walks and then there was that infamous kayaking trip. It is very easy for me to revert back to my old sedentary habits; therefore, I need to make a conscious effort to continue to stay active in 2013.   Finally, this year I need to learn to become more comfortable in my own skin. I need to learn the social skills required to make new friends and confidently talk to strangers. I think this has more to do with my self-esteem and confidence than anything else.   I don’t believe in making concrete New Year’s resolutions, but I think some lifestyle and behavioral changes are always a positive thing. In a push to grow as an individual, I will make an effort to be more active; more social; and practice healthy eating behaviors.   As it is getting late, I will discuss the adoption and career at another time.
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

1
 

Normal

All of my life I felt very different from everyone around me and constantly yearned to be “normal” like everyone else. In school, I was bullied and beaten up on a regular basis because I was “different”. In order to cope with the abuse at school and at home, I turned to food. What I didn’t realize at the time was that instead of running towards normalcy, my actions were driving me further away. As I gorged myself with calories, I gained weight and became less active.   As an adult, I became so fat that I had trouble doing simple tasks like getting dressed or walking a block to a place for lunch. I thought about getting weight loss surgery, but then, I would permanently be “not normal”. One of my greatest fears about getting the surgery was that I would never be able to eat like a “normal” person again. I thought that I would not be able to participate in social activities where food was served and my post-surgery eating habits would attract attention to me as being different from everyone else. It never occurred to me that at 325 lbs, I was not eating like a normal person to begin with and my eating habits were probably already attracting attention.   Today, after having lost 100 lbs from surgery, I am quite shocked to discover that I feel more normal than I have ever felt in my life. I am as active as any normal person and can physically do everything a normal person can do. My eating habits have not impacted my social life in the least. It feels wonderful to be able to walk into any clothing store and buy whatever I want just like a normal person.   Even though I am not happy about still being 60 lbs overweight, given the average size of people these days, even that seems normal. I was telling my therapist that I feel like I have normal weight loss issues now. Weight loss seemed like an impossible dream before surgery, but I am at a point now where I need to watch what I eat and exercise like a normal person to lose any more weight. With surgery, I have achieved normalcy, the one thing I feared I would not gain by having the surgery. I’m hopeful that I will lose the rest of this weight in the new year.
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

1
 

Evolve

There is a woman who reads my blog. I was going to be in her town on business, so, I decided to ask to meet her; to my shock and horror, she accepted. This was not a “date” in the true sense of the word; in my mind however, I treated it as a date in order to gain experience in my social skills.   We planned to meet for dinner. We talked – a lot. I found her to be intelligent, articulate, funny, interesting, and strikingly good-looking. All the characteristics I like in a woman.   But really, the reason I’m telling this story is because of what we discussed and how it is helping me grow. I’ve written quite a bit about my negative self-image, my believing that I am unattractive, repulsive and fat and my shyness around people, especially women. I’ve discussed my fears and my social awkwardness.   She didn’t see any of that. One of our first topics of conversation was my negative self-image. She said she was expecting someone far different than the man standing in front of her. She was expecting an ugly, fat guy who would have trouble communicating. Wait, that’s not me? Apparently not.   She accused me of having a handsome face and not being fat. She thought that I had a terrific personality and didn’t think that I was socially awkward. She reiterated her impressions of me several times that I feared she thought I was making up this entire thing.   In my diary I pen my deepest and darkest thoughts. My self-perception is a reflection of these thoughts about myself based on a lifetime of abuse. So while I may have this façade of being all put together on the outside, my writing is really about what’s in my head. My self-image is about how I see myself; not how the outside world sees me.   What she was able to accomplish in one afternoon, I could not have accomplished in years of therapy and thousands of dollars. Ever since that encounter in October, I’ve started to evolve my opinion of myself. I’ve begun to question my negative self-image and attempted to gain a more confident attitude. I still have issues with insecurity, shyness, and self-esteem and I still feel socially awkward a lot of the time, but thanks to her I’m trying to build a positive attitude about who I am.   And for that I owe her a debt of gratitude.
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

1
 

Emotions

I had several unusual and emotional dreams last night. One was a very sentimental dream about the fire department. I guess I still really miss that place and I have not done anything to give myself closure.   I also had a nightmare that I had gained 40 pounds. This is a direct result of how I have been feeling emotionally. I seem to get into these cycles where I throw caution to the wind and revert back to my old food addict behavior. I’ve been eating high calorie foods for the last couple of weeks. I’ve been able to maintain my weight but I haven’t lost any. I know that at the rate I was going that I would have ended up gaining some. Luckily, I’ve tried to get back into control and provide myself with structured meals. I’ve also gone back to drinking a few protein shakes as meal replacements to try and jump start my weight loss again.   I’ve also felt very angry for the past several weeks. I’m not sure whether I’m eating more because I’m angry or the other way around. I think the anger stems from my mourning food. I’m angry that it’s gone. It’s not totally gone of course and I can have a satisfying meal, but lately I’ve wanted more food than I can eat. That has just been pissing me off.
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

3
 

A Cross Between The Bachelor Party And The Hangover

You can find my complete blog HERE.   As I have written, I identified myself as an overweight guy who didn’t do much of anything. I went to work, I came home, and I was not social. I can’t identify myself in that way anymore because I’m more active and trying to be social. However, I am a baby when it comes to interacting with people. My weight used to hide me and give me an excuse to not have to deal with people.   As another strategy to break out of my shell, I signed up with Meetup groups in the area. Several are for photography and a general social Meetup. My wife and I made reservations to go and see a play and have dinner with about 20 other people from Meetup. That should be interesting. I’m actually quite terrified of how to act and what to say. Thankfully, my wife is going to be there with me and she doesn’t have these hang-ups. I can lean on her quite a bit.   For quite some time I’ve longed to have a group of guy friends. I watch movies like “The Hangover” or “Bachelor Party” and wish I had male friends that I can do things with like go to Vegas. I’d love to have a small but intimate group of guy friends to hang out, drink beer, eat chili dogs and cheese fries (burp!) and talk about whatever is on my mind. We could go out to see movies that my wife doesn’t want to see, play a little poker, car shows, chili cook-offs, fishing, paintball, you get the idea. All of those things guys like to do; I want to be able to do.   I was telling this to my therapist who suggested I look on MeetUp. I found many groups for women but none for guys to just hang out and be guys. So, I created a group for guys. Because of my self-esteem issues I have very low expectations for the group. I didn’t think anyone would actually join the group but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try. I thought, “Oh well, I’ll create it and we’ll see what happens.” I paid for a group for 90 days because I figured that once this flopped, I wouldn’t be out a whole lot of money. Well, what happened is that I got 90 guys who signed up in just a few days. YIKES! So I guess this group might last a little longer than just three months.   When I created my “low expectation” group, I also created a happy hour. I picked a date and time I was available but I figured that since nobody would sign up that it would be a moot point. Monday night it not idea for a happy hour but since nobody was going to show up, it was not that big of a deal.   Within a couple of days, I had 15 men sign up for the happy hour. HOE. LEE. ****. I didn’t know I was filling such a void. Well crap, I guess that means I actually have to go and figure out where to have this thing. I really was expecting that no one would sign up for the Meetup, and no one would show up for the Happy Hour.   These are the kinds of things that the old me, the 330 pound me, would have thought: “I’m not worth it, so therefore no one is going to sign up.” However, this is the kind of thing I need to change my attitude about. I AM worth it. I AM interesting. People SHOULD like me, and if they don’t I’ll just beat the living crap out of them until they change their mind. Sorry, I got carried away!   Now, the Happy Hour is stressing me out because my wife is not going to be there. It’s going to be a bunch of guys I don’t know. It is all on me to make it a success. I don’t know how to act. I don’t know what to talk about. So we’ll have to see what happens. Anyway, that’s all the news that’s fit to print for today.
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

3
 

Social Anxiety After Weight Loss

This week I lost three pounds and my therapist asked me how I felt about it. Anytime I lose a significant amount of weight I tend to get very anxious because I don’t know how to act. My body may have lost the weight but emotionally and mentally, I haven’t adjusted my way of thinking to this new, thinner person.   I know a lot of people say, “Well, just because you lose weight doesn’t mean you’re a different person. You’re still the same person.” I actually beg to differ on that. I’ve transformed from a person who weighed 330 pounds to a 240 pound person. Before the weight loss I went to work, came home, sat on the couch, watched TV, ate dinner, played on the internet, and went to bed. That was the sum of my life. I could barely breathe sitting down, or even get dressed in the mornings.   Now I’m participating in things I’d never be able to do if I was 330 lbs. I’ve been very active with my photography which requires a lot of energy to walk around for hours at a time. I’ve started weightlifting, kayaking, bicycling, and in general being very energetic. I have not only changed physically and have a lot more energy, but going from a sedentary life to an active one in just a matter of a few months requires a huge mental shift in the brain. Therefore, I am not the same person I was before.   In my hermit like existence I was not social at all. I didn’t like talking to people and I kept to myself. Because of all this activity, I’m being forced out into situations beyond my comfort zone where I have to interact with people.   Because of this weight loss I feel like I have broken out of a prison and like a freed prisoner, I want to experience everything life has to offer and everything I have missed out on all my life. This is why I am making an effort to become more active and even reach out to people for some social interaction.   The problem is that psychologically, my brain has not caught up with all of this and that’s what’s really causing the anxiety. I am very socially awkward. I don’t know how to talk to people because I’ve never had to do it. I don’t know how to act or react when people talk to me. I feel as if I have no social skills whatsoever.   I’m extremely shy and unable to hold a conversation or talk to someone in a social setting. I’m so shy and terrified that I wouldn’t go up to someone and start a conversation with them.   When I meet people I am paralyzed to open my mouth for fear of saying something stupid, dumb, or uninteresting. I’m constantly wondering what negative thoughts the other person must be thinking of me.   There are times I can be intelligent, interesting, and funny, but most of the time I think of myself as very dull. I guess all I can do is practice social skills by getting out there, into social situations. Meeting different people, meeting new people, and seeing how things go. Hence, it is torture to try to break out of my shell and venture out into the brave new world of humans.
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

5
 

A Cross Between Quasimodo And Joseph Merrick

This is one of those rare posts where I pour my heart out and it was very difficult to write because it is very hard for me to face the truth about myself and my painful past. I apologize in advance for any rambling I might do.   Body image has always been a sore topic with me. From the time I was born I always felt unattractive. No, not just unattractive – I felt like people thought I was repulsive. I believed I was so hideously ugly that people didn’t even want to look in my direction. I’ve honestly always felt like a cross between The Elephant Man and The Hunchback of Notre Dame.   A lot of that has to do with the abuse that I incurred when I was growing up. In addition to the physical abuse, my parents constantly berated me as being worthless and told me I was never going to get a woman to marry me. My mother was constantly telling me I was fat, unattractive and ugly. She would say that I needed to lose weight and order me to go out to exercise.   I hated to go out to do any kind of exercise because it just wasn’t fun and I wasn’t good at it. It would have been different if I had played sports, but we were poor and couldn’t afford the financial outlays that being on children’s sports teams required. So she would force me to “go jogging”, which I hated. She would peer out the window to make sure that I was exercising, so I would jog out of sight of her view and go sit on a log for 30 minutes and pretend to jog back. Imagine a seven year old (yes, you heard me right) being told all this and being sent out to jog by himself. The mental abuse started when I was even much younger, but my first memory of the “jogging” was when I was seven.   My mother would tell me that they were saying all these things to “help me improve”, but I didn’t take those comments in the spirit in which they were intended, I took them to heart. After taking them to heart, I modeled my behaviors based on them. If I was repulsive, I tried to stay away from people, especially the opposite sex. I didn’t ask girls out on dates, I didn’t even go up to talk to people. I was too terrified and shy to walk up to someone, smile, and say “hello” regardless of their gender.   When you are told something all of your life by people who love you, it is hard to not have it sink in. When I look back at pictures of myself as a young child, I realize that I was actually not fat, but I became fat as an adult because that’s how I saw myself.   This played into my social interactions with women. If the most important woman in my life at the time (my mother) didn’t like me, then what hope did I have for the outside world? I used to feel very sleazy at just the idea of walking up to a woman and trying to talk to her. I felt like she would think, “Oh my God, here’s a disgusting, repulsive, ugly man who’s trying to get in my pants or ask me out on a date. He’s so ugly, disgusting, and repulsive that he makes my skin crawl and I just want to get away from him.”   That’s why I never went up to anyone to try and talk to them. That’s why I kept to myself a lot. All throughout my life, I never got any type of positive reinforcement or positive examples of women liking me. No woman ever came up to me and started a conversation. The few people who I did ask out turned me down, which led me to stop asking anyone out on a date. All of those things solidified my opinions of myself and played into my self-image. This is the main reason there are no photos of me on the Interwebz.   I’m still fairly socially awkward and not good in situations around people. Oh sure, you might think by reading my entries that I don’t seem that way, but in person I am very shy and suffer from low self-esteem. I still don’t go up to strangers and talk to them – even at parties when I’m introduced to people, I just listen to what they have to say and not say what’s on my mind.   I’ve been thinking lately that when I weighed 325 pounds I probably did look hideous and ugly but at 240 pounds, maybe I don’t look all that repulsive. Now don’t get me wrong, I still don’t think I’m esthetically appealing. I still don’t think that there are too many women out there who would look at me and think I was good looking, or “Wow, I’d like to get to know him better”, but at least they wouldn’t say that I look dreadful. A woman isn’t going to avert her eyes when she looks in my direction.   It bothers me that at some point in my life, before I lost this weight, I was 240 pounds and thought I was repulsive, disgusting, and ugly. As I said before, I made social choices based on that. The negative self-image is still there, but it’s not as strong. I’m not sure how my attitude will change if I lose more weight. I hope that it will get better, but I think some of that will also depend on the reaction I get from people around me.   I’ll have to see if, with my newly lost weight, I’m treated any differently than I was in my teens and 20’s. I’ll have to see if people actually enjoy being around me – if women actually like talking to me. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to see if a woman would actually go out on a date with me considering that I’m married, but I’d like to at least find out what could’ve been possible, if that makes any kind of sense.
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

3
 

Lifestyle Changes

In this past week’s meeting with my therapist, I said that I felt like I was not losing weight fast enough. I’m still fat. I still have a “beer belly”. She stated that I needed to make lifestyle changes to be successful. In her opinion, I need to do better.   We discussed the life changes I’ve made to be able to lose 86 pounds. I used to eat at fast food restaurants about four times per week. That is down to about twice a month. And just to be clear, I’m not eating a burger meal, usually it is something small. I’m very careful to keep it under 200 calories.   One of the tasks I used to hate while dieting was writing down everything I ate. Now I actually enjoy seeing how many calories, protein, and fat I’ve consumed. I’ve been using myfitnesspal.com and it has made all the difference in the world. My friends on there are very supportive to the point that if I don’t log on for a few days, they send me notes asking me where I am and how I’m doing. Now that I’m logging my food, I also measure it before I eat it; not everything all the time, but putting my food into a 1 cup measuring cup helps me know how much my stomach will tolerate. All of these things that I thought were a pain in the ass, I am now doing.   I still make a lot of poor choices and I do need to make more changes such as exercising regularly. But with each pound lost, I feel like I am slowly making the changes required of me to lose the remaining 60 pounds. I only have 40 pounds to lose for my doctor, but I want to lose another 60. If this 86 pounds made this much of a difference in my life I can only imagine what losing another 60 pounds will do! I’m fairly confident that I will reach my goal but it is frustrating not being there already.
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

1
 

Staying Active

I had a lot of fantasies about all the different things I was going to do after I lost weight. I was going to be a lot more active, I thought. I was going to buy bicycles for my wife and me, and go bike riding all over town.
I was going to take a self-defense class and learn how to finally protect myself.
I was going to go on photo safaris all over, and spend hours walking around and taking pictures.
I was going to go on hikes in the Shenandoah mountains, and learn kayaking – why, I have no idea.
I’ve been trying to get my wife to agree to buy bicycles for some time now. She always said that we couldn’t afford it and that they were too expensive. I agreed with her, but it was really something I wanted. I felt that it was going to help in my recovery from weight loss. I wanted to buy bicycles in spring so that we could go out riding when the weather was cool. She had said no, but just last month she agreed that we should buy bicycles.   I called up a good friend of mine who is an avid cyclist, and he met us at the pro bike shop. After spending a few hours of learning about bicycles, we selected two identical his and hers Schwinn comfort bikes. It’s been 90 to 100 degrees here most days, and just too hot to ride. On the few occasions that I have been able to ride my bicycle, I will say, I am woefully out of shape. I find that I can’t ride for more than fifteen minutes at a time, partly because we live on a hilly street, and going up and down the hills takes a lot more energy than riding a stationery bike. So far my attitude has been that my biking stamina will improve the more I do it. I’m just waiting for the weather to get a little bit cooler so I can go out riding.   One of the other things I need to do is to start weightlifting. When I was having all those back problems, my physical therapist told me that the issues were partly due to my back muscles not being strong enough to withstand the extra exertion I was putting on them. She told me I needed to strengthen my back muscles. My wife and I have signed up for a weightlifting class that meets once per week. She is encouraging me to go do weight training two to three times per week. I believe the class starts next month, and I’m looking forward to it. I’ve also looked online to find photo safaris all over the country. There are several photo safaris in my area. I signed up to go to one in August. It would be great if I could go to one safari per month to get back into my photography. I’ve really been missing it. This particular safari I signed up for is going to be meeting at a museum, and we’ll be shooting in and around the museum.   I asked my wife if she wanted to come along with me, and we could have lunch afterward. She agreed to go with me to the museum, but not to the photo safari. She would spend her time walking around the museum while I shot my pictures. We would meet up at the museum restaurant at a pre-designated time for lunch. One of the reasons why I invited her was because I didn’t want her to feel left out.   The entire time that I was at the fire department, she would always complain that I was leaving her to go to the fire department and that I wasn’t spending enough time with her. I would like to make her as much a part of my photography as possible. It won’t be possible all the time, because a lot of these safaris don’t allow you to tag along if you don’t have a camera. I’ll do my best.   My wife also found a kayaking class in the LL Bean catalog, and also, a fly fishing class. I’ve always wanted to try fly-fishing. I had signed up for fly-fishing classes a couple of years back while we were on vacation, but unfortunately, I was sick in bed the entire time during that vacation, and was not able to do it. While I haven’t actually done anything yet, it’s exciting to know that I am making plans for an active future. I think last weekend’s excursion to the park was a good first step.
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

1
 

A Day At The Park

I’ve been talking to my wife about becoming more active now that I’m losing weight. Yesterday, she told me to get a good night’s sleep because she had an activity planned for Sunday. She wanted to keep it a surprise and wouldn’t tell me what the activity was. We had been looking at the county parks catalog so I thought it might be related to us going to a park.   She told me that there would be some hiking involved so I should wear comfortable shoes. There was also some mention of a picnic. I asked her if this would be a good opportunity for me to bring my camera since I had really been itching to use it. I have not used it since January. She hesitated about the camera and then said I could bring it but there really wasn’t much to take a picture of.   I tried to figure out all weekend long where it is that she might be taking me. Every time I mentioned a park, she would say, “No, that’s not it and I’m not telling you.” I really love it when she takes the initiative to plan an activity because it takes the pressure off me and its just fun to be surprised sometimes.   True to her word, this was a local park I had never been to before. In fact, I didn’t even know it existed. We parked and went to the visitor’s center to get a map of the walking trails. We walked down one of the trails for a bit until we got hungry and then walked back to the car and retrieved the picnic basket. We had discussed taking kayaking lessons but I didn't realize it was at this park.   We found a shaded picnic table under a tree very close to the river. After eating turkey and cheese sandwiches, pickles, and watermelon, I walked around shooting some pictures. I realized that I had forgotten a lot of what I had learned because the pictures didn’t come out as nice as I would have hoped.       Walking the trail     The view from the picnic table       I have no idea who this woman is. It just seemed like a perfect chance to use my telephoto lens and capture the greens and reds.
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

1
 

Embarrassment

Last month, I went to a professional conference in Dallas and met a lot of the same colleagues I meet every year. Many of them could not believe my dramatic weight loss. People kept telling me how good I looked. In fact, they were overflowing with comments over how good I looked. Over the last two weeks, I went out to lunch with two different friends of mine; people who I’ve known through work that have not seen me in a while. They were also gushing over how good I looked and how much weight I had lost. The bottom line that I took away from all of these comments was that I’ve lost a lot of weight.   The reaction of all of these people scares me. The thing that it leaves me wondering is, “My God, how fat must I have been for these people to have such a reaction to my weight loss?” I never really thought that I was that fat. In fact, I know the numbers say differently, but I feel about as fat as I did when I had an extra eighty pounds on me. In fact, I even feel like I look as if I have another eighty pounds on me. So really, how fat was I?   This is partly a very embarrassing question because I really must have let myself go. All of these comments from other people make me quite nervous. While I appreciate it, they feed into my insecurities. On some level, my weight loss is a private matter, and I would like to keep it as such. However, that’s not possible when everybody around you can physically see the changes in your body. People are bound to comment.   I asked one friend with whom I can speak frankly with, “Everybody has told me how wonderful I look and how much weight I’ve lost. Everyone has been gushing over me, which leads me to wonder exactly how fat I was.”   He just looked at me and said, “Jack, you were really fat. You were so fat that I was really worried about you. When I stood next to you, I could hear you having trouble breathing and I was scared for you. You’ve had trouble walking and getting around. You look a lot better and a lot healthier now.”   I was partly in shock. I did not realize that was the image I had been portraying for so long. Now, I am just embarrassed about my weight. I’m embarrassed that I let myself go to such a level. I’m embarrassed to even discuss it. It’s almost as if I feel like I owe the world an apology for being so fat. I feel like saying to everyone, I’m sorry that I let myself go and became as fat as I did. Please forgive me. Please, for God’s sakes, love me now for the new me.   Did I feel loved when I weighed 325 pounds? I knew that there were people out there who loved me, but no, I didn’t feel loved. Do I feel loved now? No, I don’t, but I do feel that I am capable of being loved, whereas I didn’t before. I think partly it was because I didn’t love myself, and now, very slowly, I am learning to love myself.
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

10
 

5 Months Out

It has been five months since my surgery. I have lost eighty pounds. That’s about sixteen pounds per month, or about four pounds per week. I would say on average, I am very pleased with my progress, even though I’ve had a lot of ups and downs. I’ve had two major stalls, which had more to do with my depression and food addiction than actual physical changes within my body. During those times, I was terrified that I would never be able to lose another pound again – or, even worse – I would gain some weight.   Fortunately, I didn’t end up gaining weight, and I feel like I am back on track to losing some more. I still need to incorporate exercise into my everyday routine, but overall, I think I’m doing okay. As I look back over the last five months, I can’t believe how far I’ve come.   This much weight loss would never have been possible without the surgery, regardless of how much time I took to try to lose it. I still want to lose another seventy-five to eighty pounds. My doctor would be happy if I just lost another fifty. If I lose another eighty pounds, in the next five months, I’ll be at my goal weight by Christmas. Clearly, the biggest struggle has been the addiction. If it wasn’t for that, I think I would have been able to lose a lot more weight, faster.
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

0
 

Having Problems Staying On Track

It has been a while since I last wrote here notwithstanding my most recent post. Somehow, it seems longer than that. I think because overall I have not been blogging very much for the last couple of months. Furthermore, it upsets me to admit that I have not been reading my dear friends. I guess you could accuse me of being a bit self-absorbed and you would be not far from the mark.   If my blog is a place I come to document my life, emotions and actions then where can I go to escape my life and my emotions? Yes my friends, I have been on a crusade to escape my reality. In that respect, this entry is no different than the one I posted three weeks ago except to say I fell deeper into my addictions.   In last month, I have fallen back into my old addictive behaviors of overeating, making poor food choices, and surfing the Internet. I’ve been staying up past my bedtime on the Internet. Without an adequate amount of sleep, I can’t wake up to exercise. Also, I’m groggy and sleepy for the day so I also tend to eat more and have a very hard time concentrating. The thing that is scary is that my thoughts and rationalizations about my behavior reverted back to the same as they were before surgery. There are times, in fact, that I forget I’ve even had the surgery. This pattern of behavior is quite frustrating.   I really wish that I could be at a point where I make good choices because that is the right thing to do. I make healthy choices because I am a healthy person. I wish it was more black and white than it is. For the year before having surgery, I was highly motivated and focused on the goal of having surgery. I did not allow anything to get in the way of me being approved for, and having, the surgery. I had even decided that if I was not approved by the insurance company that I’d take a loan out and do it myself.   Once I had the surgery, my goal was to survive the first few months and I lose a significant amount of weight. As I get farther away from the shock and awe of the surgery, I’m settling into a bad routine. Lately, with my old behaviors coming back, it seems that I have lost my direction. I should create a new goal and tell myself not to let anything get in the way of getting to that goal. One good thing about all my self-destructive behavior is that while I haven’t lost any weight, I haven’t gained any either. I haven’t taken any backward steps, but I haven’t moved forward. It’s time to start moving forward again.   A lot of my poor eating habits coming back, and my food and Internet addictions rearing their ugly heads, have had to do with all the stress I am under at work. I’ve come to the conclusion that being stressed at work is a perpetual state of affairs, and I need to figure out a better way to deal with it.   Adding fuel to this fire has been the fact that my wife was not around for two weeks. She went to California to see her friends and I was left alone and to my own devices. Now that she is back, I’ve tried to straighten up a bit. I’m trying to make better choices. I’ve decided to go back onto my pureed diet. I was able to lose about a pound a day on that. So, time to get back into the swing of things.
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

3
 

I Need A Better Way To Manage Stress

I’ve come to the conclusion that work is stressful and will be for the foreseeable future. My boss and I do not see eye to eye on how the department should be run and we have been having a few … Continue reading →
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

2
 

Emotions Regarding Weight Loss

I know I have not been my cheerful self lately and I am trying to figure out why. I lowered my dose of anti-depressant from 60 mg to 40 mg but I’d like to stay at the 40 mg for …Continue reading →
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

1
 

Transformation

Since having lost seventy pounds, I noticed that my pants and shirts were getting quite loose. I was avoiding buying new cloths so I took the pants into the dry cleaners to have them altered. They took in about 2-3 … Continue reading →
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

1
 

May

I’ve been far away from the blogosphere for the past month due mostly to the stress of work. It has been really stressful and I’ve been working very long hours. Stress turns into moodiness which turns into poor self-care. The … Continue reading →
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

3
 

Massage Parlors

I haven’t felt much like reading or writing lately. I’ve been feeling kind of anti-social. Mostly because I’m under a lot of stress at work and my back is hurting quite a bit. I’ve been really angry and depressed about … Continue reading →
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

2
 

Pain In My Back

I’ve been in a lousy mood for the last week. I’ve felt very anti-social lately and not really wanting to read or write. A lot of it has to do with work, but one non-work related item is that for … Continue reading →
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

1
 

Lonely

After my six pound loss last week I managed to lose another three pounds this week. My total weight loss so far is 59 pounds. That’s not bad for two months’ worth of work. The surgeon said I would only … Continue reading →
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

0
 

Vanity

I’m happy to report that the 260 or Die campaign is successful but I think I need to rename it because I want to continue to lose weight after I get to 260 pounds. This week I was able to … Continue reading →
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

0
 

260 Or Die!

Today’s essay is on how angry I am with myself because I have been unsuccessful in losing any weight for the past three weeks. I have been stuck at 280 pounds for the last three weeks. I blame myself for … Continue reading →
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

0
 

The First Day In Chicago

For the most part, I really enjoyed my trip to Chicago last week. This was my first trip after the surgery so I was very interested to see how I’d do. On Monday, I had a business lunch with some … Continue reading →
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

0
 

The Fat Kid

As I lose weight, I remember back to the last time I was at that weight. It brings up emotions and pain that I was experiencing during that time. My fear is, if I lose enough weight, I’ll go back … Continue reading →
Jack Fabulous

Jack Fabulous

1
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