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A Journey Through Transformation and Renewal

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This Is Dedicated To My Future

I have never before kept a blog or chosen a 'screen name', or for that matter, consistently kept a journal. As I begin this journey into a healthier future with Sleeve Gastrectomy, I have been strongly encouraged by a friend to put things in writing, seek support from an experienced community, and to offer support to others, as I do in my every-day world.   I am 43 years old, happily single, and 250 lbs. I am also an open book, or so I thought, with friends and family... always speaking my truth with kindness and compassion, to seek understanding and support, and to offer the same in return. I've read in several places (or viewed on vlogs) that some people have lost friends through this process, and aside from possible hair loss, that scared me the most. Craziness, I know. So, I have chosen to tell my friends about my research and my hope for changing my life and future. I have been surprised by my emotions as I enlighten those who have always seen me as a ray of sunshine, about the darkness I carry and have not shared. When they have not known my suffering, how could they understand my choice to expose myself to risk through surgery? So. What does my darkness look like? I'm sure many of us share some of these broken pieces...   When I was 12 and put on puberty pounds, I recall my mother saying to me: "You'd better be careful, or you'll be fat like your father." I cannot recall my weight or size at that age, but it was just the beginning. I thinned out in Jr. High as we walked to school every day, then gained again in High School. The words from my mother that I recall in the car one day were: "No man wants to marry a fat woman." I still don't remember numbers, but I'm pretty sure I never got above a size 12 or 14 in High School. I did Weight Watchers at age 18 and got into a size 10 pair of Coca-Cola jeans, which was a huge accomplishment. A friend showed me a photo from that time when we were in our 20's, and I realized that the girl in that photo absolutely believed that she was fat and ugly. In the first few years of my 20's I gained 20 lbs a year, and got up to a size 22 (all while trying and re-trying Weight Watchers, Jazzercise, etc.). I remember thinking about that picture, that I wished I could be that fat now.   In the last twenty years, I've been no lower than 220 and probably higher than 270 (there was a period when I didn't weigh myself every day, believe it or not) - between size 18 and 22. During that time, I realized that I loathed myself when I was a size 10, and that I had the choice to do the same at size 20... or I could decide to love myself exactly as I am. I worked with a therapist specializing in Harville Hendrix Imago Therapy, made a list of the negative words that played over and over in my head - realized that my mother did not intend to hurt me, and that in my late 30's I had to take responsibility for the voice... and so I reprogrammed. I chose never to say to myself something I would not say to another human being. If a negative word was uttered, even in my mind, I would have to replace it with something loving and kind. I was quite successful with my reprogramming of 2005. And after losing 38 lbs with Weight Watchers (again), I felt quite happy with my curves at size 18. I was triumphant! I wondered... how might my world have been different if my mom had said: You are perfect... exactly as you are? Another AHA moment was while watching "What the Bleep do we Know?" and seeing the water study. A Japanese scientist placed water from the same source into multiple bottles marked with different thoughts: I love you. Thank you. I hate you. I will kill you. Others were invited to view and read the bottles, then drops of that water were placed on a frozen slide and the positive thoughts were crystalline, like snowflakes, and the negative thoughts were discolored and sludge-like. The question was stated: "If our thoughts can do this to water... and we are 80% water... what are our thoughts doing to us?" WOW! That was life altering for me. I had been standing in front of a mirror for 25 years telling myself I was fat and ugly (talk about manifestation). I would be horrified if I knew a child I love was doing this to themselves.   I have not let my weight stop me from traveling, which is my passion... but much of my darkness is wrapped in the memories of sacred journeys. At around 100 lbs heavier than most of my friends, I have felt like a burden, as we climbed one mile from 6,000 ft to 7,000 ft in Colorado... and a friend acted as my sherpa, staying behind with me as we climbed and our other friends went ahead. When I reached the top and saw the water gushing from 'Spouting Rock', I lay upon a nearby boulder and sobbed... every step I took going up that mountain was not in triumph... but in heartbreaking shame. In 2008, I went by myself to Ireland. I had looked forward to Skellig Michael, where at the top of 620 steps, in the middle of the ocean, was a 6th century monastery with beehive huts. My friend even bought me a pair of leiki poles for the journey. When I was finally at the base of that rock... I looked up and decided I just couldn't do it. The tour guide came back for me and said: "Wasn't this your dream?" And so I did follow, and though he could have gone up and down those stairs as I struggled to get to the top, he stayed with me until another woman on the tour took over. I wouldn't have done it without the encouragement of others, and I would have regretted it for the rest of my life. And yet... every step I took was in shame. In 2010, I went to England and there were many magickal sites to see in Glastonbury and Cornwall. But this time, I was in my 40's... and I carried the same shame, but with a little more fear. In 2011, I went to Scotland... and though the hikes were not as steep, I was still the one left behind... I was 30 lbs heavier, so my body hurt in each bed, and I panted to get up the stairs, and my feet and ankles were severely swollen on the trip home.   In 2011, I went from 250 lbs to 267 in a matter of weeks. I had planned a return to Ireland, but decided I just couldn't do it at this age and at this weight, and so I cancelled my plans. It was about this time that a friend told me about Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. And, so... this is where my new story begins.   Wishing you love, light, and laughter on your own journey to wellness, ShapeShifter
ShapeShifter

ShapeShifter

1
 

Step By Step, Inch By Inch...

Today I scheduled my first nutritionist appointment, left a message to set up the psychological consult, and mailed two letters. The first to my Internist, who has already offered her full support, requesting the letter of medical necessity, referral to the nutritionist, and weight records. Since I've only been seeing her since last year, I mailed a second letter to the GYN I was with before my insurance changed a couple of years ago. She would have weight records going back further than any other doctors I've seen. Gratefully, my health has only become complicated with sleep apnea in recent years, but I've seen the GYN every year since I was 15. I've been told the weight record is what is important, so it didn't matter from which doctor the information came. I hope that's true. We have a wellness center at work, and I've gone there for most illness (mostly sinus infections) over the last 10 years, but they don't make us stand on a scale (thank the gods), so alas I don't have three years of data from a consistent source.   My chiropractor is engaged to support my 6 month doctor assisted weight loss program, since I had already started a process with her in January, which resulted in some weight loss followed by losing the same 2 pounds over and over for the next couple of months. It is based on taking in more fruits and vegetables with lean meats, and very limited carbs - such as brown rice and lentils. Since I read that more protein is required for weight loss, I've added Isopure No Carb protein powder to my morning smoothie, and have it in a simple shake around 3pm, when I'm feeling snackish or run-down. I had hoped that would be the magic ticket... I've never been a big protein consumer, and I thought I might just start dropping pounds when I was suddently getting enough... but, no. Not yet, anyway.   The other thing to consider for reaching the surgery goal, is timing. I support four executives. I need to be sure time off doesn't interfere with a board meeting, or other large scale events. Not because they would begrudge me that time, but because I prefer to have enough time to heal a little before I start pressuring myself for abandoning my people. I understand that one week is all that is needed, but some have recommended two... and I have my boss'es blessing to take whatever I need.   Just jotting down my thoughts as I walk this path toward wellness... heel, toe, heel, toe... HEAL.   Wishing you many blessings on your own journey!
ShapeShifter

ShapeShifter

3
 

Researching The Sleeve And Signs From The Universe

About 15 years ago, the insurance my (then) company offered started covering Gastric Bypass Surgery, and multiple co-workers made that choice with hope to improve their lives. I was envious, and curious, and admit that it did cross my mind. But at that time, for whatever reason, I was not ready to make such a life-altering decision. As I learned more about the procedure and the results, I worried about the issues with malabsorption. And years later, when Ann Wilson (from Heart) was open about Lap Band Surgery, I studied up on that process and the results, and found myself turned off by the need to make frequent return visits to the doctor for checks and fills, and the possible complications scared me.   Recently, maybe early February, I was checking in on a friend in another state who had Gastric Bypass in December. During our conversation, she told me about a woman she met in her WLS support group who had VSG four days earlier... and she was upright, energetic and feeling great. She told me a little about the difference in this 'new' procedure, and I made a note of what it was called. That night, I started my research. I LOVE THE INTERNET, don't you? Can you imagine how difficult it might have been to find such detailed information and great support 20 years ago? Over the weeks that followed, I spent all of my evenings after work online searching for more. Honestly, I was searching for the horror stories. There is great affirmation out there about this procedure, but very little about complications and regrets. I watched many hours of video logs on YouTube, and worried about the people who stopped recording after a few check-ins. What happened to them? Are they okay? Did something horrible happen to them as a result of the surgery?   But then, there were people like AmySDMom, who has kept an incredibly honest video log, almost weekly, for the entire two years of her journey. She is very thoughtful and thorough in the details she chooses to share, and I've learned a great deal from her about what life looks like post-surgery. If you've not spent any time with Amy, and are pre-op OR post-op... I highly recommend looking her up on YouTube. And on this site, I found the link to Holly's blog at 300 Pounds Down, and find her so wonderfully inspirational that I now check in daily to see if she has checked in. Her writing is powerful, honest, painful, witty, and as I said, inspiring.   From the women I've been following, I have written down tips and preferences, and ordered protein powders that I've added into my diet. On one of the sites I read that a woman my size should be consuming 90 grams of protein and 1600 calories. I thought, I am likely not consuming half that much protein now. So I decided to go ahead and add that to my already low calorie, low carb diet. Did it help me lose weight? No. I continue to gain and lose the same two pounds each week, with great discouragement. I thought that maybe this would be the answer to why I couldn't lose weight. I just need more protein! Maybe I don't need surgery after all! Ha! Not so, said the Universe.   And so, I decided that I would continue my research, step-by-step, and watch and listen for signs from the Universe to decide if I am on the right path. A local friend, who had surgery last year at Celebration Health in Orlando, held my hand and went with me to the information session that is held each week at this bariatric center of excellence. I wondered if I would sit through the session and hear something that frightened me, or meet someone with a real horror story, or have a gut feeling that this was the wrong place or time. But none of that happened. I left feeling like this was the place and this is the time. And so, I decided to complete the paperwork, and wait to take the next step. I received an email a couple of days later which requested my medical and weight history. I completed the form, and waited for the call from the hospital about my insurance coverage and out-of-pocket expenses... waiting to see what the Universe had to say about that. Well, the hospital did call, and said that my insurance only covered lap-band and gastric bypass... and I didn't cry, but with a lump in my throat told her to go no further... because those were not an option for me.   I did not let that stop me, though. My company is self-insured and works with United Health Care and UMR. I knew that United Health Care was covering VSG, and so I called UMR to see why they denied the request. They said that my company did not have it on the list of approved procedures. I did not let that stop me, either. I sent an email to the SVP of Benefits and told her the story, and she responded with an explanation that our plan is outdated, and when something like this comes up, they take it to a committee and decide if they will add it to the policy, allowing UMR to approve the procedure. She checked in with me today, and shared her progress and next steps. With all of the changes in the world of Health Care, we aren't really sure what will happen next year, or what options will be offered - there is a chance our options will be even better than they are now. But I did remind her that I am eager to improve my life, that I am suffering with quite a bit of pain NOW, and that if I could have the procedure completed this year, with the insurance I am sure of... considering there could be a 6 month dr. assisted weight loss period... having the committee decide one way or another would be better for me, sooner rather than later. She understood and is moving forward. As am I. One step at a time... the Universe has not yet given me a sign to quit.   And so, I am here with each of you... yearning for your success, longing for success of my own, and wishing all of us a future that is free of shame, suffering, illness, and pain. Here's to our future! May we learn to shine in new and wonderful ways.
ShapeShifter

ShapeShifter

6
 

Putting Myself In Your Shoes...

In the early weeks of my research into VSG, I was immersed in video updates of sleevers' lives post-surgery. I must have watched 100 thoughtful and detailed check-ins with dozens of people reporting their success, struggles, and victories.   During that time, I started ordering different kinds of recommended protein powders to see what flavors sat well with me, and also to see if upping my protein in an already low-carb, low-cal diet would invite my body to release some of the weight she insists holding onto.   The funny thing about having empathy as one of your top 5 strengths (ala StrengthsFinder), is that one is truly capable of feeling the emotions of others. I found that my heart hurt for those who were in a stall and worried that, like in the past, their body would just refuse to lose anymore. Also, I was elated with each victory and celebration of releasing pain, meds, ailments, being able to sit comfortably on an airplane, wear a smaller size, walk up a hill without becoming winded, and many other wonderful achievements.   I was so invested in the well-being of these courageous people, that I hoped that I could be one of these people, too. I starting stepping on the scale each morning to see how many pounds I'd lost due to the success of this life-altering event... and then realized (each morning)... that I am not one of those people. The scale shows me the same gained and lost two pounds every day. Sigh...   Oh well... I'll keep working on the insurance issue with hope in my heart... that one day... someone else might be feeling elated for my victories, too.   Wishing you a day filled with peace and beauty...
ShapeShifter

ShapeShifter

1
 

Overwhelming Support

The thing that scared me the most in my research, even more than hair-loss (yes, at times I have felt my hair was my best feature), was that some people have lost friends along this journey. The day I heard that on a video log, I felt sick to my stomach. I told my Mom about that discovery over the phone, and she gasped. We both know that there is nothing more important in my life than my sacred, devoted, and loyal friendships. I'm an Aquarius, so there are many. I have always felt you can never have too much love in your life, and so I've been a collector, of sorts... a friend-collector.   I dwell within a wonderfully supportive community. Actually, it consists of multiple circles that sometimes overlap. Because I am a highly committed individual, my relationships have been well-tended and nurtured for many years. I have had friends, in the past, who were not quite as committed to doing the work required to maintain something as deep as I desire... the kind of friendship where you can speak your truth, be yourself, and feel supported and loved unconditionally. I mean, when you know what true friendship feels like, why would you settle for less. So, long ago, I learned to let go of that which no longer serves me. (Which reminds me of what will occur with this surgery... removing that which no longer serves me.) Not that I quit talking to people... but that I decided which relationships were friends and which were acquaintances. It helps to know where to spend one's energy.   Because honesty is so important to me, I have chosen to be completely open with those in my large community of close friends. I feel that I am considering changing my life in a very big way, and their support is terribly important to me. Besides, if you ask me what has been going on in my life, the fact that I've been spending every hour not working in research mode, would leave very little to discuss if I chose not to share my truth. I don't have a spouse or significant other, so my family and friends are all I have to help me through the difficult days, and to celebrate the monumental days.   I have been so pleasantly surprised by the responses I've received... I never imagined it would be so affirming. The women I work with closely have witnessed my struggle for the past 10 years, and they seem downright excited for me. They say with a gleam in their eyes: "So! How did it go at the information meeting at the hospital? What happens next?" When I told my boss, I explained to her that I am worried about the next 20 years, and how my body is already aching and breaking at age 43. I told her that I heard this surgery only requires a week away from work, and that was the main reason I was finally considering this option. And she said: "We are talking about your health for the next 15-20 years. You will take as much time as you need!" (I didn't cry, but I did get a lump in my throat.) I've told different friends at different times, and they allow me to share the procedure details, the fears I had about previous options, the fears I have about my future, and invite them to ask me questions. I have very thoughtful friends. The conversation ends with, "You have my full support. I want what is best for you." Some friends have offered to come to meetings and hold my hand, and some friends have decided they will come take care of me when I get out of the hospital.   I was afraid to tell a couple of friends, though. They had been a little judgmental about another friend who had gastric bypass, but in their defense, the situation was a little odd. We kept asking what she was doing for herself because she looked so great, and she wouldn't tell us. So when she kept going to the bathroom for long periods of time (possibly due to dumping) we worried she was bulimic. (We later learned that her sister had not responded in a supportive way - and I'm sure that set her off to be less trusting.) Anyway, I shook all the way to dinner, and I started the conversation by bursting into tears and telling them that I didn't want to lose their friendship. So... we all cried together, and when I finished sharing all I'd learned, so far... they were completely supportive and one even offered to help me pay for the procedure. Sheesh! That went WAY better than expected. I was so relieved.   For someone who doesn't even have insurance approval yet, I'm doing pretty well with this process. Ha! To add to all of this love I've been drowning in... a friend who had WLS two years ago has invited me into her support group. Last night I attended for the first time, and I found such wonderful women there, with great experience, wisdom, patience, courage, and generosity. Some of them said that they wished they'd started their journey with this kind of immersion, and encouraged me to continue coming, so that I can be more and more prepared for my 'adjusted' future.   I know that I am overwhelmingly blessed with such a supportive and loving community. I don't take it for granted, because I know there are some out there who feel very alone on this journey. I would urge anyone, even those well-supported like me, to reach out to your local WLS community and see if you can create a meet-up group with whom you can share your hopes and fears, questions and great discoveries. There is nothing like connecting with people who have walked with similar pain, illness, shame, and fear - and courageously stepped forward to regain control of their health, emerging as victors on the other side. It is a very inspirational and comforting section of this path.   Wishing you overwhelming love, support, and affirmation along your own journey...
ShapeShifter

ShapeShifter

0
 

Onward...

I finished jumping through hoops the first week of June, and submitted all of my bits and pieces to the patient advocate for insurance approval. I felt such a sense of urgency when I stepped on that scale on the morning of the sixth month of dr. assisted weight loss. Of course, my advocate asked about the other three steps I'd not submitted (because it was not explained to me that way), and the message I received from the universe was... patience. Be patient, and the universe will provide you with what you seek.   So, I scheduled the remaining hoop jumps, and chose to set aside anxiety and anticipation and release my attachment to outcome (well, to a point). This has certainly been an exercise in persistence, patience, and slow and steady wins the race. Today, the advocate called to tell me my insurance company has approved my surgery. Tomorrow I will finish the steps for surgical clearance, and learn about what comes next for scheduling surgery.   I guess what I'm exploring now... is how I feel about it. Excited? Nervous? Anxious? I guess for now, I'll settle for grateful and hopeful.   Hoping all is wonderful in your world!
ShapeShifter

ShapeShifter

0
 

Moving Forward...

I am grateful to report that while the inital response from my insurance was that the sleeve was not covered, it turned out they just mis-read the policy. It is covered. Now, begins the hoop-jumping. The traditional 6-month, doctor assisted weight loss program is required, and since I had already started such a thing with my chiropractor (an herbal cleanse that helped take off a whopping 12 lbs and then stalled) in January, I believe that June or July would reach the 6 month mark. She has already offered her full support, and will provide the necessary check-ins and documentation to support my endeavor. I've been with my chiropractor for nearly 20 years, and she has witnessed my struggle. She told me she was proud of me for taking the necessary action to improve my health. I keep expecting those I tell to exclaim their horror at my choice, and not a single person has done so.   Today, I saw my Internist for severe body aches I've been suffering (turns out it may be caused by the antibiotic I've been on for an upper respiratory infection), and I also received her full support and enthusiasm. I wonder how my Neurologist, whom I see for my severe sleep apnea, will respond when I see him next week. We check in every few months so he can read my CPAP card and ensure that I am truly breathing through the night. Since I still suffer from fatigue, I often wonder if I'm not holding my breath while I sleep.   I dedicated 2011 to resolving my fatigue issues, and decided that since even Provigil (made for Narcolepsy) couldn't keep me awake, I would be open to any form of healing that is presented. So, this week, I sat down for BioMeridian testing, and it determined that I have issues with my digestive and endocrine systems (duh), and so I'm now taking supplements to support them. I'm not absorbing protein well, which is actually backed up by blood work that consistently shows low protein. If it turns out not to be just a bunch of hooey... then my body should be in very good shape for surgery down the road. I was also introduced to something called Cell Food, which are oxygenated drops of minerals and amino acids that are supposed to conquer fatigue and inflammation. I tend to be a skeptic, and so I reserve my opinion on said healing effects for some time down the road, when my body ceasing this aching and my head is clear of fog.   I met a woman in a WLS support group I've joined, who is using a FITBIT, which is sort of like a super-fancy pedometer, but it also tracks your sleep, not just your movement. So... I ordered one. I figured that I need to start adding more movement into my life, and I am fascinated by the sleep monitor. I feel like I sleep pretty well with my CPAP machine, though some nights it seems I am adjusting the mask all night long. I'm curious to learn, of the 8 hours I'm in bed, how long I'm actually asleep.   In summary, I am 43 years old... and I hurt like I'm 83. I dream of feeling well. I am not fantasizing about being a size 2 (which wouldn't be possible, anyway)... I am yearning to be free of back pain, knee pain, foot pain, ankle swelling, and suffocating in my sleep. I am on a path toward healing and wholeness. Because... I'm worth it.
ShapeShifter

ShapeShifter

0
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