Well,178,7 tonight with clothes,heavy pants.This morning it was 177,9 and I decided the scale must be wrong.Weighed just now with all my clothes after a gr8 dinner (a bit carby though) and it was still down.Went inside and decided to strip off the heavy clothes (I always weigh before having a bath after undressing) and low and behold,it is 177.5.
Who will ever understand the way we lose?
12.5 pounds to goal even though I still seem to have a lot of fat all over.Will get down to 154 where I know I look "not fat" anymore.
Now,we actually weigh in kilograms.This means I am 80,7 and the long awaited 70's,just around the corner.This will be a huge huge milestone for me.In 1992 I doubled my body weight in one year.(lots of trauma and depression that followed,coupled with an addiction) I completely missed the 70's and ended up 120kg's before I knew it.I was way too thin at 60kg's and had a BMI of 17 at that point.
Now,a BMI of 23 seems perfect to me as I look good at about 72kg's.
Boy,I would just love to be under 80 before we go on holiday the 18th.
I still cant believe this sleeve works so well and sometimes really wish the sleeve could just stay this size and I could never eat more food,ever again.
Since being back on the blood pressure meds I dropped 5 pounds....jippeee,and the bounced back one pound.I've also been having an uncomfortable pain in my kidney area and tonight when I got on the scale at 23:00,yes I know I shouldnt do that at all ever, I am up another 1,5 pounds.Did the keto stick and my goodness,I am in deeeeeep purple ketosis for the first time ever in my life.
A few things might be causing this.It is now up in the 100 degrees (and over) every day and very humid.I have been struggling a bit with the water intake but not too bad.So I might be dehydrated a little.However I dont look or feel it.
Then it might be that I am high on proteins.I have found these nifty little chicken breasts (frozen with a lemon and herb sauce) and that has been my main food for the past 2 days.2 of them weighs 80 grams and I have 22g of protein and I have had 6 of them yesterday and today.Breakfast,lunch and supper.Add to that about 5g protein for milk in my tea and a little in the veggies (2 tiny pieces of broccoli and half of a very small yellow squash that comes from SA and is low cal and low carb) Say it was a total of 75g for the day.The carbs was about 50 as I had a teaspoonof hummus,milk and veggies and a SF popcicle as well.
If the pain persist tomorrow I will phone the BP dr.
However,I have realized that I will have to start exercising pronto.As in today.To be sure that I do the right things and to not drive myself crazy all the time second guessing weather I am doing the right things,am I eating to much (I know with my head this is not possible) but my emosions tells me differently.
How I hate the way the scale freaks me out.the only way I know to control this is to back to dieting the way I know well.I didnt want to obsess with food tracking,low carbing but I will have to.I also believe I should now start making hay while the sun still shines and lose as fast as I possibly can,and believe me,I have put in no effort what so ever until today.It was just lovely for it to just happen but I cannot take this out of control feeling any longer.
1.I will start by just doing walk away the pounds or some dvd here at home.I will play squash twice a week.
Next week I will start going to the gym.
The thing is for the first time ever I am so self concious when at the gym.I just am not motivated to expose myself to all the thin people...lol.(and we have a ladies only gym at the club as well)
So,this is me for today.Crazy,obessed over weight gain that is not real and petrified because I might fail.
Tomorrow will be the positive,new me....lol
I have read some of my friends blogs and it is all so upbeat and positive and it seems that I am the only one with this crazy roller coaster emotions...or I am just an external prosessor that talks about it.And maybe I have to start fake it until I make it and not express myself the way I do.Maybe I will pretend that everything is just perfect and maybe it will become just that.
xxo
Have been MIA for a while.I returned 1 day before moving house and have been unpacking and sorting out stuff since then.
I have lost another couple of pounds and am at 158 most days.This seems to me the perfect weight for me.I am skinny.I really look thin.Even I can see it now.No more saddle bags on legs! Stomach is flat as a pancake,boobs non exisitent even thought they hang on my knees,no butt whatsoever..lol.
Life is good and I have been eating a lot of junk and still losing weight.Am maybe not eating as much as I think.
We love love love our new house.It has a huge lap pool with a jaccuzi and a sauna.It also has a lake view.Beautiful to sit putside or run next to the lake.
I will be seeing physician next week as I need bloods done.I am so bruised it is unreal.My back also aches like mad if I stand.Can sit,lie down and even walk and be ok but not stand in one place.My eyes seems to be soing ok and thecoated toungue issues continues.I have taken stuff for thrush numerous times to no avail.
All in all life is great and I am very happy.We are taking a short seaside break in a couple of weeks so I need new bathing suite and broad shorts.The arms I cannot hide.In fact my friend told me it makes me look old,nice friend,lol!So even if I never do my boobs,legs bodylift or facelift,I will so my arms.Then no one can see that I look strange for my age..lol
Will post when blood results are in and on the 13th.
Ok,so it is 22:00 now and I realize I am and have been all over the place trying to diagnose and fix the way I feel.
1.I have acid even though I am taking a PPI.
2.My brearhing is difficult most of the time even though it is not like asthma..just breathing with difficulty.I dont lie down or rest during the day and slept sitting up for max 5 hours a night before.
3.I know the tightness around my ribcage and pain in the back can be because of the acid.My left incision is slightly painful tonight.
4. Protein drink does not sit well at all....gas,pain,bloating.
5.the stomach is RUMBLING LIKE NEVER BEFORE especially on the left side where the left incision and drain was.
But all this can be normal.It is all the darn lucky people that says I dont even know I had the surgery,I went back to work day 5 that makes me so paranoid...LOL
With the band I had
1. The acid
2. The back pain
3. The rumbling tummy
4. The breathing issue. ..but only briefly
So I suppose this is just normal healing and a tummy that is angry and tryinq to cope with what I did to it.
And I will try to relax and endure this for a few more days....because this will get better very soon.Ok,upwards and onwards Christian soldiers.Tomorrow is another day.
xxo
Ps.a warm bath helps every time....I have been doing this at least 2 or 3 times every day...it helps for all the symptoms but the acid,which will be gone before I know it..hehehe!
this week,in prep for our looooong weekend in a hotel,I started adding a bit of carbs to my diet again.
Am only on about 60 now but boy does it make a difference.Not a positive one either...lol
The bags under my eyes are back,I am sluggish and dont feel like exercising.My weight is up 2 pounds whixh I know is water as my cals were still 800.But it had to be done now.
It is not unhealthy carbs either but about 30 more than usual.Edamame beans for one.And more tea with milk.Well,that seems to account for most eccept the breaded (light) chicken I had twice which would be a lot of the carbs I suppose.
At the hotel I will not be able to stay carb less,I know that.I do not eat eggs (just dont sit right in my tum) but add protein powder to it and fibre and it works.I want to be able to relax and not make an issue out of the eating this coming week.Just be for a few days but I dont want to get back 5 pounds heavier.I not be taking a scale and maybe the hotel will not have one.
I dont know why I am so afraid of this holiday.I have done so well on all the others but for some reason tis has been bugging me a lot.Maybe because my food choices when eating out recently wasnt the greatest.And maybe because I know it.And maybe because sometimes I feel like not making great choices ALL the time.But I will just have to pull myself toward myself and get on with it.And maybe going to the gym when Im there is a good idea to just burn some cals before flopping down for the day!
And maybe it is because I want to lose as much as possible before the big one in December when all the critical family will see me.Who knows!
But I want to enjoy getting away from it all and I want to feel in control,something I havent ever felt faced with buffets before the sleeve.
So taking some protein powder along is a good idea.I might even be able to ask the chef to make me some pancakes as I really love them and they keep me full for hours and hours.And some edamame to snack on while everyone else eats rubbish.
I now fit properly into a size 16 and even bought a new bathing suite.
Anyway,tmorrow I will read this again and remind myself of all the good things about the sleeve.And the fact that no matter what,it is a good fight I am fighting here.
last night I forgot to take my nexium.at 5 I woke up with severe burning in my throat.I took the nexium but had severe stomach ache all day long.
Now I've been wondering.My dr said that the stomach will adjust the amount of acid over time.But how can it while I am taking a PPI in the morning and in the evening?It blocks acid formation,doesnt it?
Some other dr's patient dont take a PPI automatically from the beginning and a lot of them dont have the acid issues at all.
At the moment with the threat about senseless questions going so furiously I am to scared to aks any questions really...lol
Will try to research this or ask on obesityhelp.
xxxo
Today I wish I was normal.Not only thin normal but not ADD or OCD and not I wish that I could take medication to "fix" me! All I wanted to do today was eat,all day long!I couldnt stop thinking about food for a minute.It was one of those me me me me days that I just hate.
And I wish I lived in a country where it wasnt such a mission to find a therapist that is going to stay put.But we are all expats,habitual movers!
Once I found a pill,for 2 weeks..lol.I went to my gp and said I am sick of myself and need something.He yanked a sample of Cymbalta out of his drawer and said try this and see me in 2 weeks,remember it only works after 10 days.After exactly 24 hours I knew that was what normal felt like.I was calm.My OCD was gone,my mind started focussing for the first time EVER!Didint have a 100 tracts playing in the head all at once!I could drive a car without it being a competition to see who wins,I could deal with life without the impending sense of doom and having to tell myself a million times a day that everything is fine,nothing to worry about.I slept a full night for the first time in my life and most important,my fear of people all but disappeared.
Then my kidneys function started being affected but I couldnt care less.After 10 days I could hardly walk but happy as I have ever been.Said they would have to wressle the little suckers out of my stone cold hand after my death.He just didnt give me a perscription and that was the end of that! Lol
I have been a born again Christian for 15 years now and the Lord have really changed me since then.But I am still me and non of the things I have considered very important like the above mentioned,have changed.I suppose there were so many other things that needed change that this might not even have made the list.I really love the Lord and I know He loves me but boy I wish He would renew my mind more! But He clearly has a plan for my life.And He clearly smiles patiently upon me when I tell Him to hurry up and change me more NOW!
Accepting ourself,warts and all, might be so important in a successful future with the sleeve.I am blessed beyond measure in so many aspects of life that I should be able to say its ok to be me.Its ok to not be perfect,its ok!
Well,it is the middle of the night now and close to my bed time.Tomorrow,or just now..hehehe...is a new day.I can put this one behind me,live just for the new one,not worry about the future and breathe.
God is good all the time and maybe I dont really need that pill.
At the moment I am having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that at 45 I am now in menopause.I love being thin but I hate the fact that the weight loss screwed up my hormones so badly!And I hate these hot flushes!
Of course the question of how fast am I going to age now is in my mind all the time.For goodness sake,I am skinny for the first time in 20+ years.I have planned plastics and a lot of other fun things.I dont want to start looking like a dried out old prune before I am 50.Then there is all the conflicting info on HRT.Increasing or decreasing breast cancer and stroke risk? So many studies contradicting each other that I have no idea what to do.You read about the weight gain after menopause and how difficult weight loss becomes and I think shoot,Im screwed!Makes me want to eat..lol
Then there is the issue of my tea.Now I can admit I have been super bad with water,just like the exercise.But this is also because every time I start drinking more water my weight bounces up 2-3 pounds and I feel swollen.Having said this I had to get off the tea.It causes constipation when drinking it in huge quantities and I never new that.I was drinking 5-6 cups of tea (400ml cups) a day and was chuffed with myself for having found a way to side step the water...lol.But every time I come back from holiday,I get constipated.Had to look at what is different when I am gone and it must be the tea!Read up on it a bit and I think the dehydrating effect of tea made the constipation worse.
Back on the probiotics and I had only 2 cups of tea today and about 2 liters of water.
Now,I have about 3 pounds to get to dr's goal and have tonight decided to just do it already.I am going to cut my carbs again from tomorrow and see if it works and if it doesnt I will cut my food allowance for the day until I see results.Then I will lose 10 more pounds to SHOW THIS BLOODY MENOPAUSE that I can do it.
Ugg,so my little plastics fund has increased now to include a facelift when the face actually collapse...lol
O,and I will start exercising more...lol
I think I've got this thing about "dumping" with the sleeve.
Let me explain.I think I've been eating relatively low carb recently.And I say I think as I am not tracking my carbs,just checking my protein intake more or less every day.But I have not had any added carbs this week except green peppers and onions.Tonight I had a bit of TGI friday spinach and artichoke dip with some veal strips.During the day I had some chicken strips and some beef strips.Had 2 Dolchi gusto cappucinos.And then tonight I decided to have some Amarula liqeur.Its like Baileys.
I took one sip and bam,I started feeling hot,nauseas,palpitations,feeling like I had to visit the toilet,felt absolutely aweful.Early post op I had a couple of incidents like this when I would eat some sugar or fat for that matter.But lately I would have a cookie if I wanted or ok,I sont really do sugar at all anymore really.The cookie would be it.Mind you I've had some caramel popcorn and I was fine.
But I think sometimes my carbs are just not that low and then the added sugar (like in the popcorn) doesnt affect me at all,makes me super tired but thats it.
I think when I am quite low carb and busy dropping weight fast,I cannot do sugar or a lot of fat.I think the Amarula like the Baileys have got cream in it and lots of sugar and boy did I feel sick from a tiny sip.I can drink a jin and tonic once in a while and if I sip it slowly and nurse it all night,I am fine.
So,sugary drinks,just like anything else sugary is now off limits.Thinking about it,I shouldnt really drink the tonic either as it is carbonated and even if you stir out all the gas,there is still some left.
One thing I am sure of.Alcohol will not be a problem in my future as it is as unappealing most of the time as ice cream,and I use to eat a pint of that per night pre-op.
You live,you learn.
It has been 7 months today since I had my sleeve.My goodness how different has this been from having the band.
The good.I weighed 195.8 today.Hehehe,couldnt say 196 could I?That is down 101.2 pounds since surgery.I am not a compulsive eater anymore.Neither am I a couch potato anymore.I play squash twice a week and exercise at least 3 other times per week.I am shrinking by the day and I am beginning to feel really good about this.I cannot eat away my emotions so I am slightly more moody but more in touch with myself as well.I am somewhat more serious now,dont always have to laugh or joke away my pain about my weight.I have been at this weight quite a few times before in my life so I am now excited to get thin for the first time in 22 years.
My bloodwork came back perfect.All my vitamin problems seems to have been solved with the shots I have received and my platelets are now normal.
The bad.Somehow I got a hernia on the right side where the dr's used the same spot for all 3 keyhole surgeries.It is painful to move and you must see me tape my stomach to play squash.I am also allergic to plaster so it is a vicious cycle at the moment as I cannot find compression garment that would help,plasters got to do the job for now.No one will do surgery until I am at my goal weight as it will be part of the body lift to fix this.
Since surgery I have had petechiae on my torso, upper legs and back 4 times (tiny little point bleeds all over the place) I am full of bruises and I thought it was because my B12 was quite low since surgery.Had a full house of bloods done this week and my dr phoned me this morning saying everything is perfect,even the D is 40 now and the B12 is almost too high,stop the pills and no injections anymore.When I asked him what ia causing the spots and bruises then he just said I dont know.This is a concern to me as where i pulled the little tape they puton after drawing the blood there is a bid red bleed under the skin now,not where the needle was in,but from the pressure of the tape.My theory about the spots is that every time I had a B12 injection I got the spots.And since I started taking the pills it came out again.Dr says not possilbe but there is a direct relationship between the 2.Anyhow,will keep an eye on it.
The extra skin is a nightmare but as I am single and not planning on being anything different,it is ok until I can get to goal and start scraping together the courage to go for plastics.My little one says my body is like a jelly spilling out of a cup..lol.
My body image is still seriously warped but I "feel" and "see" myself with the scale now and that helps a lot.i still wear a size 18,sometimes 16 clothes which seems very big still but I look much smaller than that as I am tall.Would really like to go to smaller sizes though.
Friendships have changed.It is super difficult to be with some of my very overweight friends now.They seem to be so uncomfortable around me.I do see why.We use to be fat together.We always talked and complained about it.We couldnt walk,run or do anything else and now all of this have changed for me.I am excited about life and really try to never make them feel bad about themselves.I do worry about them though as at our age the health issues are so many if you've been fat for so long.I dont say anything and try to never say anything about my surgery or weight loss.We dont eat cake together anymore but hey,I still do lunch.My best friend however have lost 28 pounds since I have had my surgery.She is only 4'11 and is still about 8 pounds from her goal weight but she looks fantastic.She wasnt going to stay chubby while I was losing weight and it has been a delight and pain in the butt as she lives on carbs even now.She still eats about 1800 cals every day and sometimes I find that hard.Jealous of what she can eat...lol.Not really!
The ugly.I am severly constipated since surgery.This is a big problem but I hope that once I get to goal and can increase my complex carbs I can add a lot of fibre to my diet.I also have hemoroids that I am never ever going to go to the dr for.This is the biggest and most terrible thing that could have happened to me..lol.No really.I hate this and dont know what to do about it.People say that the surgery for this is excruciating.Not happening!
The good.Did I say the good?Since the sleeve I have had to deal with the fact that I have been fat and extremely unhappy and on diet all of my adult life.It was an obsession like no other.It ruled every waking moment of my life.Honestly,I could never stop talking aout my weight,my diet,my failure,my excuse to not so stuff.I had zero self confidence in so many aspects of my life.This I have had to come to terms with now.I kissed out on a lot of things because I was too ashamed to do anything.My world (and Im an expat living in a foreign country) was always quite small and my life lived in anticipation of the day I would be thin,that was when I was going to start living see.
The sadness I experienced when different things started being possilbe was unbelievable.The regret of so much time waisted made me so depressed for a few months.But I have thought about all this a lot and I chose to move on now.Time is ticking by and regrets doesnt add to your life it just steals more time from it.I now choose to feel good about each day.
My attitude about food has changed.Tonight,after our weekend,we sat in the lounge after dinner and this use to be a big eating night in my life.I felt like a snack,not chips or chocolates...edamame beans...lol.My friend still thinks Im nuts as I really couldnt think of anything nicer to snack on.I go to the beach every day and we use to always eat on the beach,now I dont even think about it.
This whole process is sometimes difficult for me because I really wanted to be skinny yesterday..lol.My impatience drives me up the walls some days but this seems to be a great lesson to me too.I am a little less self centered,even though every sentence here started with I...lol and a bit more compassionate to others.
Weight loss surgery doesnt fix everything in life and I will surely always be somewhat OCD and messed up but I at least now look normal..lol.I dont really have the desire to just blend in with the crowd anymore as I realized unless I cut something off i will always be taller than most people I know.Other people's opinion of me doesnt really matter that much anymore and this is a great freedom in my life.I was a real peoples pleaser all my life and we know that you cant please all of the people all of the time, which made me very unhappy before.
My mother and sister is on a super strict diet as they are so scared I am going to be thinner than them when they see me in December and that can just be good for them.
So life is good.And I might freak out soon again if I have another stall,but thats life!
I have started with the 5 day pouch test today.
It is just so frustrating to me that my weight have stopped again where it have always stopped...just above 200 pounds.I am not cheating.I am exercising to the point of exhaustion.
But I will get under 200 even if I ahve to not eat for the next 2 weeks!
I saw the physician today.My blood pressure is still high.It i because I am smoking.Yes,I became a secret smoker again thia months.Will stop this week.Stupid to start again as It really doesnt help for the stress.At the moment I feel it is adding to my stress levels.So,I will make a day and just quit cold turkey again.Serves me right to suffer through this.
We did my bloods and I got my Vit D injection as it was very low way before surgery.Will do B12 sublinguals but he says injection is better.It is just soooo painful.
I am losing exactly 2.2 pounds a week.No more and no less.
Have made appointment to start exercising with someone so no more excuses for that.
I feel good and I dont think I am eating badly at all.Enjoying what I eat and trying to be satisfied with the amount.It seems to be working to be very mindful about the eating.
For this last month before the holidays I want to lose a little more.Hope that adding exercise,especially more cardio,will help.
Still no answers on the visa for the move so the stress is quite constant as it is now almost end of school year and uni has finished already.Am trying to be ok with not knowing anything but struggling a little with this,thus the smoking...and that is my excuse and I'll stick with it.LOL
xxo
Today 2 years ago I had the sleeve.The best gift I ever gave myself.
Its been 2 years of the biggest ups and downs EVER.Sometimes when I read back what I wrote I know its been the hardest and the best 2 years of my life.
After surgery I found out that my happy little family wasnt so happy after all.I developed neuropathy on top of going into menopause and at any other time,my life would have fallen apart.
But having this new lease on life has given me the strength to deal with everything life has thrown my way.My little kid is weight restored,I have in the process dealt with my own eating disorder and life is really good today.
I have been maintaining my weight for the past +- 15 months and I look and feel great.My weight sometimes goes up 5 pounds and then I focus on proteins and bring it down again.I can eat anything and dont take PPI anymore.Of course my capacity is a bit bigger but I am vigilant all the time.I do eat little bits of everything and try not to snack too often.
Sometimes I do still consider plastics (ugg the arms is a big issue) but time and logistics remains a huge problem.And the fact that I am scared..lol
All in all life is great.I will keep posting at least once a year.And should I hit a bump in the road,I will come back to the site and get right back on track again.
It is 18 months since I was sleeved and I absolutely love my sleeve.I am 8 pounds under my goal weight which is a little to low (my face looks very wrinkly at this weight)
Have been in maintenance since about Jan Feb this year and it is so easy to maintain.I do have a strategy I live by though.
1.Weigh every morning.The scale is my friend and I allow myself at most 4 pounds up before I get backto basics.And as my weight never goes up gradually (it jumps up 4 pounds after a week or 2 of loss of fucused eating),it is always easy to get back to protiens for about 4 days and it is gone again.
2.Eat little bits of most food but protein as the primary food source.
2.No excuses when I gain.
3.Not denying myself but never OVER indulging either.
Now in this year a lot of very heavy emotional stuff happened in my life and to some extent I have to rebuild my whole life.The blessing of the sleeve is I couldnt eat away my emotions anymore and am learning to deal with it.I am also in therapy now.In my house everyone now eats healthy,regularly and we are learning to really enjoy food.My youngest child developed an eating disorder (she's only 12 now)for which the blame can be laid at my feet.My obsession with food,no,food,weight related issues coupled with a few comments like gymnasts who is lighter finds it easier in higher levels (she's level 8) have made her decide to self restrict her food and at first I thought I was eating much more as my food portions was all of a sudden the same size than hers.After cutting my food to almost nothing I realized that HER PORTIONS WERE AS SMALL AS MINE.
Anyway,it showed me my obsession have hurt my children and that they need me to eat with them,which I stopped doing after surgery.I also have to eat mostly what they eat.NORMAL is what I have to do even though my portions cannot be normal.She is doing somewhat better but I have to super vigilant and consistant in my food behaviour as she is not Completely out of the woods yet.
Life is really good as we are all learning by the grace of God how to communicate,express,eat and live life as whole people.
I still have vitamin issues and borderline low protein but we are working hard on fixing this (side effect of all this is I still lose way too much hair all the time)
I am so greatful to have had this surgery.It gave me a life I never would have had.It has helped me change a lot of the issues that kept me in one place.My motto of life is to be managed not to be cured still stands but have a different meaning altogether now.Mindful, intentional living is great!
The sleeve rocks
And Im down 128.2 pounds.Weighed in at 168.8 pounds today.Only 4 pounds from my dr's goal.Not too bad if I might say so myself...lol
Am still all over the place with the eating at the moment trying to find my "normal" again but plodding along which still seems to work for me.
I will start exercising.Ok,I dont even believe myself anymore.But I should,I know.Still playing squash twice a week though.
Have revised my goal for myself to 154 pounds.70kg's or maybe 69.8 will be even better...lol.I might take my time getting there though or then I might just decide to seriously low carb for 4 weeks and drop all of it in a month (lost 14.6 pounds from mid November to mid December and 6 from Mid Dec till now) I can be done but is it important to do it so fast at this point?I am going to wait with PS till sometime later this year so there is no rush now.
Things I need to work on.
1. Exercise
2.water.I dont drink water.I drink tea with milk.Lots and lots of it.I need to drink water.
3.vitamins.I need to have my labs done and take my multi every day with the extra vit A and C
Ok,thats it for now.
