First,Takingmylifebacc,of course we will lose.We just need to be patient.
Tonight the topic came up again.Move,when,where,university,school,US/UK? And without realizing what I was doing it I told everyone it was time for bed.When the kids were in bed (and the grown ups in the villa too) I decided that I felt like something nice.I had heard that people will have some peanut butter,a tablespoon full I thought.But alas,me being me that wasnt enough.
I actually got some fat free or sugarfree cool whip and scooped the frozen cool whip like ice cream in a bowl,topped it with the spoon of peanut butter, climbed into a hot bath and slowly finished it all.AND THEN I FELT AS SICK AS A DOG!In fact I still do.
This sleeve is the most amazing thing.I will either learn or I will feel terrible...and it is great!Of course I will learn,I am not unteachable or stupid...mind you a week or 2 back I posted something similar I think...ok,so I hope I will learn!LOL
Emotional eating is a terrible thing.It has ruined my life for many years.Now that I cannot eat I often feel like I am so bored and I am searching for something.I will have to start exercising a lot more to help counter these feelings.
But,the sleeve rocks.Now that all this emotional stuff will be there all the time while decisions are made and with the move (difficult thing to do,very difficult this has been our home for 10 years,we love this crazy place) I will not be able to make myself fatter just sick if I dont listen...lol.but i will learn!
Since being back on the blood pressure meds I dropped 5 pounds....jippeee,and the bounced back one pound.I've also been having an uncomfortable pain in my kidney area and tonight when I got on the scale at 23:00,yes I know I shouldnt do that at all ever, I am up another 1,5 pounds.Did the keto stick and my goodness,I am in deeeeeep purple ketosis for the first time ever in my life.
A few things might be causing this.It is now up in the 100 degrees (and over) every day and very humid.I have been struggling a bit with the water intake but not too bad.So I might be dehydrated a little.However I dont look or feel it.
Then it might be that I am high on proteins.I have found these nifty little chicken breasts (frozen with a lemon and herb sauce) and that has been my main food for the past 2 days.2 of them weighs 80 grams and I have 22g of protein and I have had 6 of them yesterday and today.Breakfast,lunch and supper.Add to that about 5g protein for milk in my tea and a little in the veggies (2 tiny pieces of broccoli and half of a very small yellow squash that comes from SA and is low cal and low carb) Say it was a total of 75g for the day.The carbs was about 50 as I had a teaspoonof hummus,milk and veggies and a SF popcicle as well.
If the pain persist tomorrow I will phone the BP dr.
However,I have realized that I will have to start exercising pronto.As in today.To be sure that I do the right things and to not drive myself crazy all the time second guessing weather I am doing the right things,am I eating to much (I know with my head this is not possible) but my emosions tells me differently.
How I hate the way the scale freaks me out.the only way I know to control this is to back to dieting the way I know well.I didnt want to obsess with food tracking,low carbing but I will have to.I also believe I should now start making hay while the sun still shines and lose as fast as I possibly can,and believe me,I have put in no effort what so ever until today.It was just lovely for it to just happen but I cannot take this out of control feeling any longer.
1.I will start by just doing walk away the pounds or some dvd here at home.I will play squash twice a week.
Next week I will start going to the gym.
The thing is for the first time ever I am so self concious when at the gym.I just am not motivated to expose myself to all the thin people...lol.(and we have a ladies only gym at the club as well)
So,this is me for today.Crazy,obessed over weight gain that is not real and petrified because I might fail.
Tomorrow will be the positive,new me....lol
I have read some of my friends blogs and it is all so upbeat and positive and it seems that I am the only one with this crazy roller coaster emotions...or I am just an external prosessor that talks about it.And maybe I have to start fake it until I make it and not express myself the way I do.Maybe I will pretend that everything is just perfect and maybe it will become just that.
xxo
The truthis I know I should not weigh every day.And if I had listened to myself then I would not have weighed again today after yesterday's great loss.
Well,up a pound this morning and I am sure it will be down again some time later.
Lesson,weigh in once a week only.....sure I will do this...lol
Second thing.I struggle with having no addictions left so tonight I decided to eat some crisps.Measured 30 grams,1 spoon of hummus and settled down to eat it.Well,of course I ate to fast but after 15g I was stuffed and called my daughter to save me by taking it away...and now I am sitting here with a super stuffed feeling that I didnt know was possible and cannot understand how it happened with so little.
Ok,dont know if I will learn a lesson in this but I will think twice about eating this again.
The surgeon stopped my blood pressure meds the day of surgery.I take my BP every day with a meter that I thought was accurate.Well,let me tell you.It is not.I had a 24 hour BP meter and the BP is high.Had to start back on meds.At the moment at half the dosage than before.Will see if this is enough.
This is a comination pill and I suppose the diuretic in it has done its work.I have lost 5 pounds in the last 2 days.
Man,I will have to find a different way to roxk the weight boat every week.Mind you,I have also cut my carbs way,way back and have been eating chicken (trying to do food protein of 80g every day) almost 3 times a day.Tomorrow I will do fish..lol.When the weight stalls again I will have a high carb eat what you want day and then I will cut them way back again.
I really plan on starting the exercise in a little more formal way tomorrow.Walk away the pounds from Leslie Samsone sounds like a great place to begin.
xxo
Somehow I struggle to get motivated to do exercise.So I do what I can at the moment.We played an hour of squash an I still love this more than any other exercise.
my weight is still stuck.I have played 2 super hard games of squash this week and,nothing!Before this surgery I would have dropped a couple of pounds at least.
My house mate (teeny tiny little thing with about 7kg's to lose) is losing weight faster than me at the moment.Scary really!
how great is it to say it was just another day!Nothing eventful or upsetting happened.I stuck to my food plan,played a tough game of squash (got whipped today) cooked my kids dinner and enjoyed their company.
Now I just hope the scale will start moving again.Stuck at 116.5kg's.
Oh well,tomorrow maybe!
this is for my own info.When I want to do the stupid again...lol
Refined carbs and sugar makes you feel sick stupid!!!!!! Hehehe.
We are celebrating all kinds of things,birthday,the move,the qell....we are just having loads of visitors and last night the lady brought brownies.
So tonight I decided that a little bite of a brownie and a few crisps will not kill me....but I forgot how sick I feel when I eat stuff like this.I can not understand or explain the sick feeling bur I feel so aweful.Just sick.
so,now I have to get through this and hope I have learnt my lesson.
Today was the day that I realized that I feel as if I can outeT the sleeve.I suppose in reality that is not really possible but I have got a lot of stuff going on that makes me want to eat (now my child wants to stay here in Dubai and finish uni and I just dont think it is the right thing to do,but she is grown up,what can I do)
The plan is from tomorrow I have to log everything I eat.Fitday.com is a program that I like...I find myfitnesspal difficult.So,it is me and y compulsion to eat life better,to eat stress away that is getting tested so early in this weight loss process.
The fact that I am so aware of the want to eat is good.I look at the brownies and walk away.I look at the cookies and decide tomorrow.Maybe this is a good thing to have to flex the portion muscle before the portion size gets bigger a few years from now.
Today we went back to playing squash.I actually whipped the ladies I played with and couldnt walk the rest of the day..lol
The stomach feels a little better.Still sensitive but not aching like yesterday...I know it is getting better.Am eating quite carefully at the moment.
As I cannot comment while on the Ipad (dont know why) I thought to write about it.
I honestly hope it is not my galbladder.Before my sugery I decided that as I am so scared of surgery,I will have my galbladder out at the same time as sleeve.When I went fo galbladder sonar I told the radiologist to find a stone...just even a 2mm stone pleaseeeeee!He said he would.He spend such a long time doing an xray and doing a sonar and searching for something wrong with my galladder.then they did a functional galbladder test where you have to go and eat high fat food,wait half hour and then do test for when the galbladder start working....well mine took almost 2 hours before it started and yet he didnt think it was delayed.Just slow but normal.No stones.the surgeon came to look an said hey dont like taking out such healthy organs.At That I backed off...he said 60 persent stays healthy only 40 persent gets removed...I asked him what if I am one of the 40% and he said but what if you are one of the 60%.
I am not planning on another sugery before I leave this country.I only have 3 months left of end of year issues at school,gymnastics competitions for my daughter and a trip to the USA to see where we are moving as i've never been there...and a Month holiday in South Africa to see my folks...moving from one country to another takes some planning and dont need the stress of surgery as well.(and as it is the company has complicated issues with the possibility of a move to the UK instead of the US but we think living in America will be nicer)
So no,it is not my galbladder.I have gastritis or something that will clear up tomorrow after I have played squash for the first time after sugery....lol.I am on super soft to mushy foods to help the stomach recover.
xxo
I am not sure what is going on with me but I am getting slightly concerned.Since yesterday morning I've been having the craziest stomach ache.No idea what is causing it.I also have this pain high in my back behind my stomach.My tummy is rumbling like crazy the whole time and I am just generally feeling weird.
This should really go away now....
Its my birthday today and I decided to buy food from a place called limetree.They make the most delicious salads and quiche and of course,carrot cake.I bought 2 salads and 2 slices of quiche for 4 of us and I had a tiny bit of each...or thought I would have.
Since this morning i have had a tummy ache like I have gastritis. (know what it feels like as I had it often while I had the band).I had a few bites and fed the rest of my food to my 11 year old that came back from camp today and was starving.Then I cut the 2 slices of cake in half and for myself half of half....and it made me feel so sick.
Had a nice long bath afterwards and then at about 22:00 I decided that it is m birthday and I am allowed to eat..got myself a little tiny 100 calorie packet of sweet chilli ryvitas,minis, and low and behold,at about 5 and have been spitting it out ever since.Just like with the band the food just seems to pop back into my mouth..I dont vomit and the food is really clean just as it was when I swallowed it.
I have realized once again that I cannot at his point eat just to eat...even if it is my birthday.Food have to be more functional and the protein thing is something I will have to get right.
Sweet stuff makes me feel horrible and i seems nothing tastes as nice as before the surgery.
Maybe if I try to get a bit more serious about exercise I will feel a bit more serious about the adaptations I have had to make around food.I am just struggling a bit with the very small portion size...like I've said before,just when I get ready to eat I am full.
Ok,this day is over and maybe my tummy feels better tomorrow.
Such a lot has happened this week.My sister and her new husband came for a visit from SA and helped me get into eating small portions of real solid food.
This is great as I was in a serious stall and had zero energy before.Now I have added fiber to my diet and let me tell you it makes the world of difference.Low carb just dont do it for me.I get so constipated I want to die.Add 25g of all bran fiber and Bob's your uncle...dont need laxative anymore.
I also did a bit of REAL EMOTIONAL EATING 2 days ago.
We have just been promoted....TO THE USA.this is still a strange and super scary concept as we have always lived in very international societies and we are not sure WHAT peoples reaction to our VERY,VERY blended family will be in ........NEW JERSEY!
The eating the day we heard was crazy.will write about what we can really eat it we wanted to tonight.
Then,one more thing and I dont know if I've mentioned it.a few days after surgery I started having hot flushes like mad....will write about that later
So we are having our first international visitors and have been going out to lunch and dinner every day since Monday.They leave on sunday again.I havent found it too difficult once I made the choice to just survive this week.I still have the pain in my abdomen and back all the time and I have some acid issues and this crazy throat that just feels so hairy/fluffy and is driving me crazy.I had zero energy all week and I look like a ghost with these dark circles around my eyes....that is until tonight.
We had a big BBQ cook out here at our house tonight.There were crisps,biltong (dried meat) and hummus and mutabal.I had a few crisps and few tiny pieces of biltong.Then I had taste of red wine and then I had 1.5oz o fillt steak n 1/5 of a baby potato,just a bite really.Just relaxed without overdoing it but enjoying every moment of it.
I am shocked to see how easy the crisps goes down...I wont be eating that again.Th guilt wanted to overwhelm me afterward but then I realized that I am normal and I ate very little when all is said an done.I am petrified of the scales however!
Maybe this will be the night that I sleep well....I really need a good nights rest.
xxo
ok,today is the first day that I feel a little lost in this journey.
I have had a hairy furry feeling with a white coating in the back of my throat since surgery.It doesnt go away.I have been on daktarin gel and on mycostatin and it doesnt help which makes me think it is not thrush.
How do I get rid of this feeling?I want to gag and am constantly busy trying to fix this issue.It is the most aweful feeling I have ever had and I regret having this surgery if only for this.I wish I could just feel normal again.If this horrible feeling goes away I feel I will have my life back.
Help!
So I worked out if I have 2 oz of lamb 3 times today I will get 45g of protein.With one shake it will be 70g
and I will be good to go.Well,this sleeve doesnt like that much meat at all.I had 1.5oz and another 1.5oz and voila,reflux.Then I realized I had forgotten to take my nexium this morning.
Well,my old default is 3oz of sweetpotato and well,the reflux is gone and I feel ok.
You live,you learn.
I must say I am still stunned at how little I can eat.It takes a lot of getting use to.And my family is visiting next week.I will have ro figure out what to order when we eat out.At this point soup sounds safe.It is frustrating to not be able to eat but also exciting in a way.
One thing I am getting a bit paranoid about is the whole issue of calsium absorption and getting enough iron.I will have to try and find calcium citrate in different form than the huge tabs it comes in here in Dubai.Then I will have to figure out the iron thing as I am so constipated all the time now that taking iron is just not even an option.
So we are born again christians that have this little tradition to celebrate a traditional seder meal and this happened tonight at our house.
The lamb(a whole one) was cooked by a friend that is a chef and it was as soft as you could ever get lamb.I had to have some.So,I had 2oz of lamb,1 teaspoon of hummus,one teaspoon of mutabol,1 teaspoon of garlic cream.Well I took longer than the allowed time to eat it and I had to drink some tea to help soothe my belly.Now I didnt finish the hummus,motabol or garlic cream...just had a tiny liitle of each and the idea that I could eat even just 4 bites were fantastic.
There is still a quarter of the most tender lamb left and I found my little one in the kitchen scoffing some lamb.A that moment I really regretted not being able to do the same.I went and made myself a cup of tea.
xxo
On Monday I am getting my first overseas visitors post sleeve.We will be doing all kinds of stuff like a dhow dinner cruise,a dhow cruise to Musandam,a beautiful area in Omani waters where you snorkel and of course eat! A desert safari,and of course eating in the desert...o and lots more.This will be a real challenge for me as I dont know what to try and eat at events like these.Will have to think this through carefully.
Beginning of May is th next set of visitors...we are going to stay in a desert resort that makes the most devine food...o well,no better moment than these ones to teach me to accept my new life without th loads of food I always ate.
xxo
Jippee,the weight is coming off.I am down 24 pounds and I am getting excited about this new way of life.
It will be very easy to do to many calories in a day.I liquidized 4oz of chicken breast with 2 tablespoons of ff creamcheese and it was 220 calories.then I had 2 oz of my homemade meatloaf which was another 150 cals.the milk in my tea per day works out to 150 cals per day.then at 4 I had a protein bar because I felt like it and well that was another 180 cals.that totals 700 plus a bonbell cheese at 50 totals 750 and I havent had dinner yet.So this is where the discipline will have to start.
1 protein drink per day at 220 cals and 50g proteins per day.Then,no more liquidized anything.I will now learn to eat solids.People says that chicken and tuna is soft foods but I will have to make it soft.
I will really have to learn how much to eat.I am going nuts as I dont think I will be able to keep to such low calories.Anyhow,lets see what happens.
There's been a lot of things going on in my head over the past 3 weeks.I have to come to terms with a lot of stuff.Being mindful has never being one of my strong points.The moment something gets emotionally uncomfortable,I would just retreat in my mindless world of eating.Since I cannot do that anymore I have been going through a bit of depression I think.
I have to face the fact that I just dont heal as fast as I wanted to.When I walk I still get this pain in the back...really badly.The white coating on my tongue is a nightmare for me.I struggle to swallow and hate this fluffy feeling I have in the back of my throat.It should go away at some point,I cant wait!
Being of the kind that always thinks I know better than everyone..lol..I planned on doing my protein with food only.Now I am on soft foods I thought I would do it for sure!Well,its not happening is it?I can do quarter cup of food at a time.I opened different cans of stuff (expensive stuff!) that I kind of feel obligated to eat,but it takes days to finish a can.I will start cooking clean foods from today so I can see how many calories and proteins I am really eating.the past 2 days I did a protein bar per day that is calories that I consume and then I didnt feel like food.
This is really more difficult than I thought it would be.Getting on with my life is difficult.Planning everything ahead of time is what gets to me.
My head knows it is going to get easier.My lying deceiving heart is just petrified that I will not lose weight.
There are 2 things I have to accept at this point.
I make these minute little portions of soft food and then,just when I start to get into it,Im full.I am physically satisfied but mentally I am freaking out.I do tend to eat the rest of it later because of the head issue.And because if I dont I would also be one of the people complaining not getting beyond 300 calories per day.
Number 2 is the not drinking after eating.This is something I will have to start practising very seriously.I am not managing it now.I feel if I dont get a little sip of something when I finish eating all the food sits high in my esophagus and I cant get it down,even if it was only 3 baby bites.
One more thing.I've had this thick white coating on my tongue and in my throat since surgery.I put myself on mycostatin thinking it was thrush.Well,it didnt help,even high dosage of it.
Yesterday the pharmasist gave me daktarin gel and it seems to help.I take a 1cm piece of gel and gargle it and keep it in my mouth for as long as possible.The one thing that seems to make the coating worse is tea and sweeterner.I cut out the milk to see if it was the milk but it didnt get better without it.
The feeling in my throat is thich and fluffy and horrible.I really hope this goes away soon.
I feel great.I lose like half a pound every day still.Should just walk more.
Tonight we had friends over for a BBQ for eath hour.The disconnect I feel with food (even knowing what to give the kids for dinner every night is a nightmare to me,I just cannot think about food) was an issue but my friend and my housekeeper took over and all in all it was a great success.
I really dont have an interest in people or going out at the moment.Its as if I have lost interest in life as it was.I know this will get better when I start eating again.I suppose part of what I feel is just a lack of energy because of low calories.
Life just seems so boring at the moment.I cannot walk for longer than 25 minutes.Shopping seems a bit pointless.Cant swim yet,wounds are not healed yet.But day by day I am feeling stronger and I know soon it will all be better and back to some sort of nomal.
It really sounds as if I am whining but I am not really.I said I would be honest and I am.Eating was a big part of my life and I suppose I miss dealing with my emotions by eating.So,I will keep truckin and I will overcome.All will be good in the end.Down 22 pounds today.
xxo
