we will live and die!
As I am losing weight my life is getting better and worse.Isnt that just crazy?
How different could life have been if I was just able to get thin 15 years ago?What use is feeling like this anyway?
What I do know is I never would have allowed myself to be in the situation I am in now.Then the question of did I need to stay fat to keep myself "good" to be here comes up all the time?Which isnt useful either, I know.That I should have taken responsibility for my own life years ago is a fact though.
Mind you,my delightful youngest came in now and made me realize again that there is purpose in everything.I cannot even think what life without her would have been like.
On the upside,all this has excelerated my weightloss remarkably and I am so close to 100kg's now its unreal.It i ao atrange that I lost weight ao slowly while I was still weighing and measuring and counting carbs and cals but when I became preoccupied with life itself and didnt have the mental energy to do that anymore,the weight started dropping off.
Upwards and onwards christian soldiers!When I have lost 60 pounds I will post pics.
Since I've stepped up the exercise again I am stalled and I want more food.I dont know if I am hungry but somehow I want to eat more often.
Tonight the grils made Indian food.Popadoms and kadhai chicken.i had to eat some.I did not eat the chapati or rice but I had 2 popadoms and about 3oz of the chicken.It is super spicy so I had some fatfree cream fresh with it.The only thing about Indian food is they use a lot of oil.But I dont think I ate too much as I am not too full,just full.
See,this freaks me out about where I am at with the eating at the moment.I still eat like a bird but now I also lose weight like a bird,ounces instead of pounds at a time...lol
Maybe I should quit worrying about losing more in the next few weeks and focus on eating to not gain as we are going abroad for christmas and maintaining during the holiday is super important to me.
Anyway,183.3 is ok but boy would I have loved it to be under 180 before we leave on the 18th.I just dont know what to do to get there in 2 weeks.
Ugg,how do I speed up the weight loss?If I had to go by calories in calories out I would lose 1 pound every 3 days but it just isnt the way it works.
this is for my own info.When I want to do the stupid again...lol
Refined carbs and sugar makes you feel sick stupid!!!!!! Hehehe.
We are celebrating all kinds of things,birthday,the move,the qell....we are just having loads of visitors and last night the lady brought brownies.
So tonight I decided that a little bite of a brownie and a few crisps will not kill me....but I forgot how sick I feel when I eat stuff like this.I can not understand or explain the sick feeling bur I feel so aweful.Just sick.
so,now I have to get through this and hope I have learnt my lesson.
Today I travelled across the city to find shirataki yam noodles and frozen edamame pods.
I am delighted to say that not only did I find these at the only Japanese grocer in town but I also found sugarfree bullets (popcicles) at another shop.
The bullets like sf jello gives me a little bit of a feeling in my esophagus (almost heartburn not quite but I do have a feeling)
These I now use as I need to snack on something instead of smoking.It would be way to easy to just gain 10 pounds this week but I refuse.
I have workd out an eating schedule.My calories are about 1000 as I have added the edamame and the bullets but my goodness this is better than the last 2 days!
My kis are sick with a cold and my head has been aching so badly for the past 3 days (thoughht it was because I quit) and my throat is scratchy.I have been taking zinc and vit c to kick this feeling.
Tonight I will do my first after dinner loooong walk.It worked so well for me before to exercise in the evening in stead of sitting wishing I could eat or smoke or drink copious amounts of wine,which I dont,I just want to.
I just wish I had a squash partner for every day of the week.This would have been such a blessing at this point as hitting the ball releases tention and of course it is excellent interval training.
O well,will just have to put on music and walk,walk,walk!!!!!
i noticed a while ago that I weighed 133kg when I saw the surgeon a week before surgery.I decided to ignore that and keep my stats the same but when I came out of the hospital after surgery I weighed 5 pounds more.
Today I decided to fix this on my ticker.Why not?I have lost more than I thought initially.
So it was 292.6 a week before surgery and 297.6 three days after.
Today I weigh 218 which is a loss of 79 pounds which is a lot more.
I am flying back to Dubai tomorrow and for some reason I am scared that this nice weightloss I had on holiday will slow down.
We will start exercising next week which might help tone and build muscles as I am super flabby.
xxo
how great is it to say it was just another day!Nothing eventful or upsetting happened.I stuck to my food plan,played a tough game of squash (got whipped today) cooked my kids dinner and enjoyed their company.
Now I just hope the scale will start moving again.Stuck at 116.5kg's.
Oh well,tomorrow maybe!
my weight is still stuck.I have played 2 super hard games of squash this week and,nothing!Before this surgery I would have dropped a couple of pounds at least.
My house mate (teeny tiny little thing with about 7kg's to lose) is losing weight faster than me at the moment.Scary really!
cant quite remember how long I've quit now but this is hard.Had to reason with myself a few times today but am ok now.
I feel like rubbish with the flu and but muscle still painful but went to reformer class just to do something.Also going to play squash tonight just to get out and not having to sit and resist the temptation to eat the whole night.
Crazy thing is my weight is now stuck on what I have gained.I have been low carbing (very low) for 3 days and did not have the usual results when I cut the carbs way back after a few high carb days.
Another interesting thing is this.Smoking does affect metabolic rate.This is very clear on my bodybugg at the moment.Now I have to do something other than wheezing and huffing for oxygen..hehehe...to increase my metabolic burn..lol
All in all I am way friendlier than I thought I would be and that is a real blessing for my kids (they were trembling with fear when I said I was going to quit..lol)
Tomorrow we are starting a week long experiment.I am going to up my calories to 1300 per day.My carbs to less than 100.I am not going to cut out any food groups but will not do refined carbs.It will be 3 meals and 2 snacks and I will only weigh on day one and day 8. (this is the plan...lol)I am not allowed to freak out about whatever happens.added to this I will have to burn at least 600 cals extra per day with exercise and I have to step up the weight training.
Next week I am starting hypoxi therapy!
Have only had a tiny .25 of a slice at 8 weeks out to see if I could after so many said they cant.Not had any since then.Im a good girl with this ruddy protein diet.
xxo
Our mini holiday went gr8.Fabulous beach,I have a tan for the first time ever.Dont know why but I tanned brown.I am of the pink kind with blond hair and have never tanned.I use a factor 50 and it wasnt even that hot anymore,but Im tanned.The kids say it looks gr8.
The hotel was really super,got bumped up to their grand suite.If I knew that in advance I would have packed some food as it has a lounge dining room and kitchen (the rich locals take their housekeepers with to cook) It was a pleasant surprise though and we thoroughly enjoyed the luxury of it.I think it was because we phoned and asked if there was a freezer compartment in the minibar as I had some special dietary needs..lol.Dont know why else we go the grand treatment.
The hotel food was soooo boring.Not really in line with the rest of the hotel at all.So I just didnt eat a lot at all.A bite from my friends plate or my kids.
Now,unfortunately I came back with serious PMS.I am one of these sleevers that become a bottomless pitt when I have my TOM.It is crazy that I can eat double my usual portions and I can eat way more frequently as well.And I have been very undisciplined for the past 2 days.I even had a small chocolate two nights in a row and found out what caused the candida in my mouth for the first 3 months post surgery.I use to have small amout of honey in my tea once a day then.I couldnt get rid of this white stuff on my toungue and in my throat for 3 months and just as I was losing hope,it went away.But the honey was finished and I decided to start using sweetener.
After the first chocolate I did find my tongue had an irritating coating didnt think much of it but had to brush it off this morning.Well,2 hours after I ate the chocolate tonight I felt it again.And it must be aggressive overgrowth to appear that fast.
I cannot use sugar.Isnt that amazing?For the rest of my days I will be sugarfree as I absolutely hate the feeling on my tongue.Get obsessed with it it bothers me so much.This must be a blessing from the Lord as I can see it,better altogether to have a reason to be sugarfree than just a choice to be sugarfree...lol
Tomorrow I will try to go and play squash.Need the exercise as I have been skipping exercise a lot.Did play yesterday though.
My weight is still the same and I have decided to make a mini goal for myself.Ideally I would want to weigh under 180 before our December holiday but I will have to start woking a bit harder for that.A friend that is a personal trainer has been burning to work with me to help me tone.Might take him up on it as I have 7 weeks before the holiday.That might make a significant difference before I go.
The heat is gone and everyone is out running in the evening.Might start that up again as well, a bit slower this time as to not lose all my energy with over exercizing again.
Well,I still love my sleeve and will eat protein pancakes one meal a day again from tomorrow to help the weight loss again.
My hairloss seems to have slowed down a lot as well.I still dont see too much regrowth yet but that will come.Might even go for highlights for the first time since surgery.I was scared one would be able to see my scalp if I made the hair lighter so I just let it grow out since surgery.I also wish I knew what I would look like with short hair as I really feel like cutting it quite short but havent had short hair in 25 years.A bit scared I will look terrible.Older or fatter or just plain uglier.
Thats me for now!Will push the water and good clean eating for the next 7 weeks for great results.
Things have changed since this morning.It seems that we will be moving to the UK as the USA visa issues are to complicated for myself and oldest daughter at this point.We are. Strangely blended family,to different for the US immigration to comprehend.lol.It would hav been a great experience living in the US but I dont want to worry about a border control person with pms refusing me entry after a holiday...we know what pms does to some of us..hehehe!
At least we can start looking at the future and go to the UK to see where we will settle at the end of summer.And I can start planning my summer holiday very soon!
I will keep doing what Im doing and stop fussing over a few pounds this way or that way.Until the next psyco event!
The truthis I know I should not weigh every day.And if I had listened to myself then I would not have weighed again today after yesterday's great loss.
Well,up a pound this morning and I am sure it will be down again some time later.
Lesson,weigh in once a week only.....sure I will do this...lol
Second thing.I struggle with having no addictions left so tonight I decided to eat some crisps.Measured 30 grams,1 spoon of hummus and settled down to eat it.Well,of course I ate to fast but after 15g I was stuffed and called my daughter to save me by taking it away...and now I am sitting here with a super stuffed feeling that I didnt know was possible and cannot understand how it happened with so little.
Ok,dont know if I will learn a lesson in this but I will think twice about eating this again.
Owe have been back in this country for 4 days and 1.I am sick as a dog with a cold ( just finished with SA cold and flu,now Middle eastern cold and flu...lol) and
2.I am struggling my butt off with the food issues ,just like before.
It just seems that there is some issues that I sTill have to battle and overcome.And I will.Its funny how wanting to write about my failure right now made me decide to fight to overcome these issues.
1.At home,here in Dubai,I seem to be able to eat more.My sleeve felt very restricted in SA and here it feels like I can and want to eat more and more often.I must confess I drink 8 cups of tea per day as I struggle with water and I struggle with the protein.I think the diffwrence is that I didnt replacw the protein with anything else when I was in SA.I also didnt eat low carb or low fat for that matter.I had a glass of wine every second night and generally I was way more relaxed.
So,heres the plan.Salad and protein.Less milk.I also drank a cup of coffee every day that I miss now (Jacob's Kronen not allowed in UAE) I didnt eat breakfast but then for lunch I did eat a good protein and again for dinner.I ate lots of seafood and here is something everyone will freak out about,I ate more fats.No fatfree foods or milk.I was fuller faster and satisfied with very small portions.So,I will start writing down every thing again and see what is so different.
O I hate obsessing about this but I do as the scale was down another pound yesterday and up 3 pounds today....and I still weigh every single day.dont think I can not.
Ok,new day,different food.
Xxo
Since being back on the blood pressure meds I dropped 5 pounds....jippeee,and the bounced back one pound.I've also been having an uncomfortable pain in my kidney area and tonight when I got on the scale at 23:00,yes I know I shouldnt do that at all ever, I am up another 1,5 pounds.Did the keto stick and my goodness,I am in deeeeeep purple ketosis for the first time ever in my life.
A few things might be causing this.It is now up in the 100 degrees (and over) every day and very humid.I have been struggling a bit with the water intake but not too bad.So I might be dehydrated a little.However I dont look or feel it.
Then it might be that I am high on proteins.I have found these nifty little chicken breasts (frozen with a lemon and herb sauce) and that has been my main food for the past 2 days.2 of them weighs 80 grams and I have 22g of protein and I have had 6 of them yesterday and today.Breakfast,lunch and supper.Add to that about 5g protein for milk in my tea and a little in the veggies (2 tiny pieces of broccoli and half of a very small yellow squash that comes from SA and is low cal and low carb) Say it was a total of 75g for the day.The carbs was about 50 as I had a teaspoonof hummus,milk and veggies and a SF popcicle as well.
If the pain persist tomorrow I will phone the BP dr.
However,I have realized that I will have to start exercising pronto.As in today.To be sure that I do the right things and to not drive myself crazy all the time second guessing weather I am doing the right things,am I eating to much (I know with my head this is not possible) but my emosions tells me differently.
How I hate the way the scale freaks me out.the only way I know to control this is to back to dieting the way I know well.I didnt want to obsess with food tracking,low carbing but I will have to.I also believe I should now start making hay while the sun still shines and lose as fast as I possibly can,and believe me,I have put in no effort what so ever until today.It was just lovely for it to just happen but I cannot take this out of control feeling any longer.
1.I will start by just doing walk away the pounds or some dvd here at home.I will play squash twice a week.
Next week I will start going to the gym.
The thing is for the first time ever I am so self concious when at the gym.I just am not motivated to expose myself to all the thin people...lol.(and we have a ladies only gym at the club as well)
So,this is me for today.Crazy,obessed over weight gain that is not real and petrified because I might fail.
Tomorrow will be the positive,new me....lol
I have read some of my friends blogs and it is all so upbeat and positive and it seems that I am the only one with this crazy roller coaster emotions...or I am just an external prosessor that talks about it.And maybe I have to start fake it until I make it and not express myself the way I do.Maybe I will pretend that everything is just perfect and maybe it will become just that.
xxo
So,we have been back in the UAE for 4 days and we are totally housebound.I mean completely.
It is ramadan and whereas the malls are open you are not allowed to eat or drink anything in public.It is over 103 degrees most days up to 110 some days (50 degrees celcius) and I cannot go out without drying out like a prune within an hour.So we have watched every single olympic event there's been (with the kids legs going back and forth in front of thr tv as she is on her beam the whole time,she's a gymnast and the gymnastics have greatly inspired her to exercise more...lol) I have played boggle with my little kid a 100 times.We are now bored stiff.Another 2 weeks of this,I think,hope pray,and then life will be normal again.
One good thing though.
My hair started coming out in clumps when I was in SA on holiday.I spoke to quite a few hairdressers and they all recommended a South African product called placenta with bergamot.
It smells disgusting but since I have been back the hair seems to be coming out a lot less.There is still hair everywhere but it isnt the total strands of hair like it was in the last 2 weeks.I wonderif this stuff may be working?
There is already a lot of new hair but some days I see a lot of short hair falling out too....so I dont know if it really works.One thing though,a friend of mine that had VSG and who is the exact same age than me was completely gray when the new hair came out.
I am a dark blonde and never noticed any gray hair before.Now,a lot of the short hair seems to be silver which I take to be gray.My folks went gray very very late.In fact my mom still has brown hair and she is 70.Never coloured her hair.My dad has some gray and he is 77 and my older siblings dont have any gray hair yet.
Now I wonder if I will be gray when the new hair comes out?Mind you,my friend lost a lot of hair and took to waring a headscarf of some sorts for quite some time.
This is all very interesting when you have nothing to do and I will keep spraying this stinking bergamot stuff on my head and update if it helps.
Another friend that has RA and gets infusions for it says the meds make her hair fall out at the back of her head.Her Filipino housekeeper started cutting aloe leaves off and then she massages it into her head and she swaers high and low that it works wonders to help the hair grow back.So maybe tomorrow I will cut a piece off and start doing that too.
Well, 5 weeks of summer holiday left and without my passport I cannot travel so here we are....watching the wheels go round and round...lol
The moment I say my hair is not falling out anymore,hands full come out.
The moment I say eating is now stress free and easy,I have a bad day...lol
Today was a bad day and counting the caramel popcorn I had at the movies (went to distract myself,ok,not...to eat popcorn) my calories was about 1500 for the day I believe.Wont know as I dcided not to track today.
That was at lunch time and of course it did trigger a worm in my head.For dinner I tried to be good,had 3oz of turkey breast and capsicum but an hour later I found some chicken livers my housekeeper had made with perri-peri and onions and I ate about another 3oz of that.Then I was on a roll.But,I stopped myself and have had 3 huge cups of tea with milk since then.
Funny thing is Stress really gets to me these days where as before the surgery I was tough.Really tough.My kids nearly fainted when they saw me cry a month or so after surgery as I am not,or was not,the crying type,ever!
I live thousands of miles from my family and when things go wrong there with one of them I feel so isolated and powerless.but what bugs me more is that I have physical symptoms that I can only think is stress.I am not sick but have a huge fever blister on my lip.My back and face for that matter have broken out in acne-like pimples...I look like a teenager at the moment.
Of course before we go home we always groom ourselves a lot and pretend we always look like this...hehehe.This time though,I am full of pimples,a fever blister,my nails are as short as they've ever been so no nice french manicure and my bras just dont fit.I am now a size 38 C cup but the problem is with a C cup the bit under the arm is too narrow to hide the jelly bits on the side of the boobs and under the arm so I either have to wear a bra that is floppy in the cup or one which makes the jelly bits show.I have gone out and bought an insame amount of clothes just because I am stressed about everyone seeing me for the first time.Stupid isnt it?
I have also developed this crazy pain between my shoulder blades and I am sure it is because my boobs are hanging the way they do.My little kid tells me my back looks like a moon so I've been looking for those posture support thingies.Problem is "due to higene issues madam" one cannot fit them and I dont have a clue which size I should buy.Also"due to higene issues madam" you are not allowed to return it.
Tomorrow I will smell the roses.My little kid is coming back from camp (was a little lost without her) and my friend from Perth is coming for a quick visit.I have taken control of my overly busy schedule.Have dumped the project of bringing a couple of guys that are on the streets in Brazil since been released from prison back to SA before christmas on someone elses shoulders (I will still donate the tickets) and the women I look after here in prison will have to wait till monday for a visit.
I also suppose I shouldnt use this blog as a sound board but should start up a diary again...lol.However,I do plan on reading this in the future when I struggle and posting some stressors on here now might help me handle future stressors and eating issues that might go with that.I will then have no excuses as this have been a super stressful year and people often say,life happened and I started regaining because of stress,yada,yada,yada! No excuses ok? No regains! No slipping back into bad habits because of life.Life is happening now too and one bad day will not kill me as long as I take control again the next day.
Should try and sleep more though as it is one thing I am not controlling very well.I almost never get to bed before 2:00am and that is bad for the weight loss.So,gallas,going to bed now.
179.7 pounds this morning.
Eating off plan once every 2 weeks seems to help every now and then.When I was on Atikins if I stalled I would have a plate of spagetti bolognese and voila,the weight would drop.Should just be back on plan immediately the next day though.
Happy me!!!!
Its been longer than a week now since I quit smoking.I also lost the weight I gained when I quit plus one.
Today 204 pounds.
The exercise program for the week was as follows:
Reformer pilates on Sunday and Tuesday for one hour at a time.
Some interval graining with weights on Monday.
Tuesday evening 1 hour of squash
wednesday evening 6,4km in 40 minutes (its still 98 degrees in the evening here with very high humidity)
Thursday 6,4km walk in 55 minutes.
friday squash 1,5 hours
saturday squash 1,5 hours
I didnt have the guts to up my calories.So I lowered it,hehehe! I have been on 700 with 30 carbs and between 65 and 75g protein every day!
Lots of hard work and little food for 1 pounds!
Ok,now for this week!
since I've last posted my weight of 211 on the 16th,I thought I had not lost any weight at all.In fact a week ago my weight jumped up 4 pounds after I had some caramel popcorn (not a whole lot either) and a frozen yogurt.
At the time my stress levels was at an all time high and we had to make some very very difficult life altering decisions.I really wished I could just eat and eat like before but HATED the weight that came back.
After last weekend I decided to do the right things again but still didnt think I had lost any weight this week.
Well,when I converted my weight from kilos to pounds I was super pleased to see I am down another 2 pounds.Yes, 209 today!!!!!!
I am hoping for the weight loss to pick up a little again as I am really exercising hard now.I am also eating very clean foods again.
One thing that bugs me though.Since my sugar fender bender I am experiencing what I believe is hunger.It feels physical to me.Might be head hunger though.Will have to explore this a little further but I am worried about this.I also feel at times that I want to eat more.When I eat only proteins I eat 3oz and do feel full but not satisfied.
Anyhow,I am on my way with the weight loss again as I have already booked our next holiday and I NEED to be at least 30 pounds lighter by then...I will work my butt off for this!
Will meet up with my Dubai sleeve buddies some time.They are all doing very very well.
So,next entry might only be when I've dropped the next 5 pounds....but that is going to be soon and I am going to drop this fast...hehehe!
Well,178,7 tonight with clothes,heavy pants.This morning it was 177,9 and I decided the scale must be wrong.Weighed just now with all my clothes after a gr8 dinner (a bit carby though) and it was still down.Went inside and decided to strip off the heavy clothes (I always weigh before having a bath after undressing) and low and behold,it is 177.5.
Who will ever understand the way we lose?
12.5 pounds to goal even though I still seem to have a lot of fat all over.Will get down to 154 where I know I look "not fat" anymore.
Now,we actually weigh in kilograms.This means I am 80,7 and the long awaited 70's,just around the corner.This will be a huge huge milestone for me.In 1992 I doubled my body weight in one year.(lots of trauma and depression that followed,coupled with an addiction) I completely missed the 70's and ended up 120kg's before I knew it.I was way too thin at 60kg's and had a BMI of 17 at that point.
Now,a BMI of 23 seems perfect to me as I look good at about 72kg's.
Boy,I would just love to be under 80 before we go on holiday the 18th.
I still cant believe this sleeve works so well and sometimes really wish the sleeve could just stay this size and I could never eat more food,ever again.
It often seems to me that people make things up as they go along.Very often,depending on who they are talking to,the story changes to suite the audience.About events in their lives,about the way they feel about thing and the way they have experienced it.Human beings are great at self deception and deceiving....not always on purpose either.Often to make things seem better.Often to make ourselves look better and often because we just dont remember things the way they happened.I have friends that had this surgery and the way they remember the early days now is not the way I remember it at all,and I did go through this at some small level with them...what they ate,how they felt,how they reacted to things.
The purpose of my blog is to expose the way having a surgery like this makes me feel.What it does to me physically and my reactions to it.How it affects my every day life and what my expectations are.
Now,I live in a country where no one is prepaired to admit they had this surgery.Support group is in early developmental stage and my great therapist left abruptly in the middle of last year sans a 65 pounds regain from me and the surgery as a result.
I do not work outside of my house and I have a full time live in housekeeper.I have 2 kids,one at uni and one going to middle school next year.I have a lot of free time on my hands at the moment as a whole lot of my close friends left the country last year and the friends I have left are the people that we mostly eat with and have coffee mornings or tea with.That in itself is slightly challenging for me at the moment.Eating out,going to Friday "brunch" (lunch like on sunday) going to lunch with friends and eating cakes at coffee shops for some reason,mostly peoples birthdays or going away teas, are big passtimes for us here.o,when we are not to heavy or ashamed of the weight gains we also exercise together when we can agree on which class to do.Life as an expat is different.life in the middle east is different.It is a good life with lots of disposable cash and no family support structure and a lot of heartache over good friends leaving.It is a trancient society where no one ever really gets to know anyone too well...they will leave again so you just dont invest too much of yourself in people anymore...10 years experiencing all this teaches one how to protect your heart.All this might seem very trivial to some but I do not need to defend my life or justify the way we live anymore.This was the first thing I now had to overcome.This is my life and it is great.
We are blessed beyond believe with a wonderful church and wonderful people in church.Our kids are healthy and doing great.We have enough money to travel a lot and life in general...just great.
This surgery is a big thing in my life.I believe I am as positive as I can be about it.As for my feelings about the long term outcome.I know I will have to make this work.At the moment it is still a little overwhelming to me that it is school holiday and insteat of going to stay at a beach resort we will stay home...the eating thing is just to complicated for me at the moment.Summer holidays are coming up in little less than 3 months.This is the time of year we go back to our home countries for 2 months or travel to europe to holiday,how will I cope with that?The lack of routine always gets to me during summer and the family back home do not know about this surgery.
I am,and will go through all 120 different emotions every day and I will acknowledge each and every one of them.Pay attention to the good ones and let go of the bad ones.That is the way I will earn to deal with the new me.The me that cannot eat away pain.The me that constantly think about food.The me that realize that my hunger has always been in my head,and it feels no different now.
This is how I will overcome using food for fun and learn to be normal.I can feel all this and not react to it.Not act on it.Not give in to it.I will be honest about everything I eat and feel.
I will win this battle to become normal.
I have started tracking my daily calorie and even though Im hitting 60g of protein most days my calories have been around 450 to 600 which kind of explains to me why I just cannot even play badmington with my 11 year old.I realized that during the holiday I dropped my cals just automatically without even noticing.I have not even attempted to playa game of squash as even the thought of it made me tired.
Today I decided to eat more.Back to 1000 when I need energy to exercise.
The thing is even though it wasnt really too much,I dont feel to well.I am hyper aware of my stomach all day and I think of food,something I havent done in a month.
Tomorrow I will go back to eating very little again.I will drink my tea with milk,eat my 2 tiny tiny meals but to that I will start adding a protein shake to help with the protein.I will try and buy a shake that is high in vitamins too as drinking a multi feels like it irritates my stomach and makes me hungry.
Hopefully that will give me a little energy.But the exercise is on.It was shocking to see how little I could do and I had a huge drop in blood sugar to boot halfway through.These are things that I now need to fix as my friend has aked me to run the 10k in November or December with her and I stupidly said,of course I will.
That was me for the day.Weight still the same!
This afternoon I weigh 174.
We are checked in online and will now pack.Flying out tonight.
This holiday I will try my best to not let emotional issues with family get to me.I do not want to gain weight and I am going to try my hardest to be controlled in my eating.The skin on my arms really but me and I have become super self concious about this.Its summer and a sea holiday with family that I havent seen for a long time.They are all thin and have always been very critical of each other and of me.I will not let this upset me and will be kind and gentle (I do believe in miracles..lol) and will get myself a rash vest and broad shorts and pretend Im a surfer with my little kid...hehehehe!
My dr's goal is only 9 pounds away and I am super excited about this.
Never been to goal since the age of 23 and that is way too long ago to even remember!
Tonight we had friends over for a BBQ for eath hour.The disconnect I feel with food (even knowing what to give the kids for dinner every night is a nightmare to me,I just cannot think about food) was an issue but my friend and my housekeeper took over and all in all it was a great success.
I really dont have an interest in people or going out at the moment.Its as if I have lost interest in life as it was.I know this will get better when I start eating again.I suppose part of what I feel is just a lack of energy because of low calories.
Life just seems so boring at the moment.I cannot walk for longer than 25 minutes.Shopping seems a bit pointless.Cant swim yet,wounds are not healed yet.But day by day I am feeling stronger and I know soon it will all be better and back to some sort of nomal.
It really sounds as if I am whining but I am not really.I said I would be honest and I am.Eating was a big part of my life and I suppose I miss dealing with my emotions by eating.So,I will keep truckin and I will overcome.All will be good in the end.Down 22 pounds today.
xxo
