this week,in prep for our looooong weekend in a hotel,I started adding a bit of carbs to my diet again.
Am only on about 60 now but boy does it make a difference.Not a positive one either...lol
The bags under my eyes are back,I am sluggish and dont feel like exercising.My weight is up 2 pounds whixh I know is water as my cals were still 800.But it had to be done now.
It is not unhealthy carbs either but about 30 more than usual.Edamame beans for one.And more tea with milk.Well,that seems to account for most eccept the breaded (light) chicken I had twice which would be a lot of the carbs I suppose.
At the hotel I will not be able to stay carb less,I know that.I do not eat eggs (just dont sit right in my tum) but add protein powder to it and fibre and it works.I want to be able to relax and not make an issue out of the eating this coming week.Just be for a few days but I dont want to get back 5 pounds heavier.I not be taking a scale and maybe the hotel will not have one.
I dont know why I am so afraid of this holiday.I have done so well on all the others but for some reason tis has been bugging me a lot.Maybe because my food choices when eating out recently wasnt the greatest.And maybe because I know it.And maybe because sometimes I feel like not making great choices ALL the time.But I will just have to pull myself toward myself and get on with it.And maybe going to the gym when Im there is a good idea to just burn some cals before flopping down for the day!
And maybe it is because I want to lose as much as possible before the big one in December when all the critical family will see me.Who knows!
But I want to enjoy getting away from it all and I want to feel in control,something I havent ever felt faced with buffets before the sleeve.
So taking some protein powder along is a good idea.I might even be able to ask the chef to make me some pancakes as I really love them and they keep me full for hours and hours.And some edamame to snack on while everyone else eats rubbish.
I now fit properly into a size 16 and even bought a new bathing suite.
Anyway,tmorrow I will read this again and remind myself of all the good things about the sleeve.And the fact that no matter what,it is a good fight I am fighting here.
of course the old me was just lurking around the corner just to pop out its head when I least expected it...lol
My friend came home tonight,after the housekeeper had made everybody else meal,cottage pie with a sweetpotato twist (and I had made my fish) and said she was opening a bottle of my favourite red wine...and of course I wanted a glass.So she ha one glass and I ended up having 2 and some of their dinner not my fish.
At this poin I have realized how hard I have actually been on myself over the past 6 months.I dont eat carbs (well,no carbs thats not in green veggies or salad veggies) I dont eat sweets or chocolates,ever.I dont eat crisps or ice cream.I really stick to my plan 99% of the time.Sometimes I eat too much fish or too much chicken (not at once but I will snack on it as well) I am actually good as gold with the eating plan except for once a month when I go to the movies and have some caramel popcorn (shared with someone)O,and I do have a snack of chilly bite beef jerky (very salty) at least 4 days a week.
I exercise all the time now.I am really very good and 99 pounds in 6.5 months is npt too shabby at all.
But every time I stall,and this last time I just started losing very very slowly,I am convinced that I am doing something wrong and will fail.
My choice is to put tonight behind me.I enjoyed my wine and my food and I will really try not to weigh for the next two days at least.
And tomorrow night we will do maybe a 5km run and be back on track for the next 5 pounds loss.
I am stoked to work super hard to lose the 35 pounds I still have to lose.
This afternoon I weigh 174.
We are checked in online and will now pack.Flying out tonight.
This holiday I will try my best to not let emotional issues with family get to me.I do not want to gain weight and I am going to try my hardest to be controlled in my eating.The skin on my arms really but me and I have become super self concious about this.Its summer and a sea holiday with family that I havent seen for a long time.They are all thin and have always been very critical of each other and of me.I will not let this upset me and will be kind and gentle (I do believe in miracles..lol) and will get myself a rash vest and broad shorts and pretend Im a surfer with my little kid...hehehehe!
My dr's goal is only 9 pounds away and I am super excited about this.
Never been to goal since the age of 23 and that is way too long ago to even remember!
The moment I say my hair is not falling out anymore,hands full come out.
The moment I say eating is now stress free and easy,I have a bad day...lol
Today was a bad day and counting the caramel popcorn I had at the movies (went to distract myself,ok,not...to eat popcorn) my calories was about 1500 for the day I believe.Wont know as I dcided not to track today.
That was at lunch time and of course it did trigger a worm in my head.For dinner I tried to be good,had 3oz of turkey breast and capsicum but an hour later I found some chicken livers my housekeeper had made with perri-peri and onions and I ate about another 3oz of that.Then I was on a roll.But,I stopped myself and have had 3 huge cups of tea with milk since then.
Funny thing is Stress really gets to me these days where as before the surgery I was tough.Really tough.My kids nearly fainted when they saw me cry a month or so after surgery as I am not,or was not,the crying type,ever!
I live thousands of miles from my family and when things go wrong there with one of them I feel so isolated and powerless.but what bugs me more is that I have physical symptoms that I can only think is stress.I am not sick but have a huge fever blister on my lip.My back and face for that matter have broken out in acne-like pimples...I look like a teenager at the moment.
Of course before we go home we always groom ourselves a lot and pretend we always look like this...hehehe.This time though,I am full of pimples,a fever blister,my nails are as short as they've ever been so no nice french manicure and my bras just dont fit.I am now a size 38 C cup but the problem is with a C cup the bit under the arm is too narrow to hide the jelly bits on the side of the boobs and under the arm so I either have to wear a bra that is floppy in the cup or one which makes the jelly bits show.I have gone out and bought an insame amount of clothes just because I am stressed about everyone seeing me for the first time.Stupid isnt it?
I have also developed this crazy pain between my shoulder blades and I am sure it is because my boobs are hanging the way they do.My little kid tells me my back looks like a moon so I've been looking for those posture support thingies.Problem is "due to higene issues madam" one cannot fit them and I dont have a clue which size I should buy.Also"due to higene issues madam" you are not allowed to return it.
Tomorrow I will smell the roses.My little kid is coming back from camp (was a little lost without her) and my friend from Perth is coming for a quick visit.I have taken control of my overly busy schedule.Have dumped the project of bringing a couple of guys that are on the streets in Brazil since been released from prison back to SA before christmas on someone elses shoulders (I will still donate the tickets) and the women I look after here in prison will have to wait till monday for a visit.
I also suppose I shouldnt use this blog as a sound board but should start up a diary again...lol.However,I do plan on reading this in the future when I struggle and posting some stressors on here now might help me handle future stressors and eating issues that might go with that.I will then have no excuses as this have been a super stressful year and people often say,life happened and I started regaining because of stress,yada,yada,yada! No excuses ok? No regains! No slipping back into bad habits because of life.Life is happening now too and one bad day will not kill me as long as I take control again the next day.
Should try and sleep more though as it is one thing I am not controlling very well.I almost never get to bed before 2:00am and that is bad for the weight loss.So,gallas,going to bed now.
......and since the 25th of June Ive been in A dreadful stall again.
I am exercising 5 days a week now.Hard cardio and weights.(sometimes weights!)
Will keep chugging away and not complain too much.
We are going on holiday on thursday and will see what the change from 105 degrees to 50 do for us.Worry about wanting more food when it is cold...lol
xxo
I've had a body composition analysis done recently.That showed that my bodyfat percentage will only start going into normal when I weigh 154.It took me 2 weeks of chewing on this but today I decided to lower my goal from 165 to 154.This might be why I still wear such big clothes.Size 18 (UK) and 16 US.
No use stopping before I am really there,right?
Will have to up the exercise again a little as I have become a bit lazy again since I stopped the running.I still think having an exercise buddy keeps you responsible for getting up and going to the gym.Mine isnt speaking to me anymore (I was mean to her after my sleeve and didnt realize she took it so personal until it was too late,sad but what to do about it now?Must confess I was mean to many people in the first 2 months post sleeve as I was very depressed but the others are all still around and had the insight to know I was going through a heck of a tough time,they've all forgiven me and her having had the sleeve,well.....) I should try and find someone else now!
Its weekend here and food is a challenge as I dont cook over weekends and we socialize and eat out quite some over the weekends.I am busy making a super high fibre meatloaf,YES its possible..lol..quite low in calories and very low in carbs.This will be my go to this weekend when I feel like snacking.
The weather is beautiful so it is a beach weekend!
http://www.fitday.com/fitness/FoodLog.html
I decided to put my food log in my blog and on my signature to help keep me accountable.I could do less calories by reducing milk,cheese and carbs in general.Why can I eat so much?
So I should shut up until I really quit!
Thats all I have to say about that!...lol
Now,I have realized that I obsess wayyyy to much about the scale and I can say it because today I am down a kg and my mood is completely different.
Then,I have also realized that when I add a little more fat to my diet I eat a lot less.Not a lot,just a little more.I want less of everything.And to reset is actually possible.One day of super low carbs and just enough proteins (60g) and the next day the hunger is gone.
Will try to remember this when I go nuts again.
i noticed a while ago that I weighed 133kg when I saw the surgeon a week before surgery.I decided to ignore that and keep my stats the same but when I came out of the hospital after surgery I weighed 5 pounds more.
Today I decided to fix this on my ticker.Why not?I have lost more than I thought initially.
So it was 292.6 a week before surgery and 297.6 three days after.
Today I weigh 218 which is a loss of 79 pounds which is a lot more.
I am flying back to Dubai tomorrow and for some reason I am scared that this nice weightloss I had on holiday will slow down.
We will start exercising next week which might help tone and build muscles as I am super flabby.
xxo
Since I've stepped up the exercise again I am stalled and I want more food.I dont know if I am hungry but somehow I want to eat more often.
Tonight the grils made Indian food.Popadoms and kadhai chicken.i had to eat some.I did not eat the chapati or rice but I had 2 popadoms and about 3oz of the chicken.It is super spicy so I had some fatfree cream fresh with it.The only thing about Indian food is they use a lot of oil.But I dont think I ate too much as I am not too full,just full.
See,this freaks me out about where I am at with the eating at the moment.I still eat like a bird but now I also lose weight like a bird,ounces instead of pounds at a time...lol
Maybe I should quit worrying about losing more in the next few weeks and focus on eating to not gain as we are going abroad for christmas and maintaining during the holiday is super important to me.
Anyway,183.3 is ok but boy would I have loved it to be under 180 before we leave on the 18th.I just dont know what to do to get there in 2 weeks.
Ugg,how do I speed up the weight loss?If I had to go by calories in calories out I would lose 1 pound every 3 days but it just isnt the way it works.
179.7 pounds this morning.
Eating off plan once every 2 weeks seems to help every now and then.When I was on Atikins if I stalled I would have a plate of spagetti bolognese and voila,the weight would drop.Should just be back on plan immediately the next day though.
Happy me!!!!
When people talk about crossover addiction we all think booze right?
Well 2.5 months after my surgery,while having stress that topped anything I've had in the past 10 years,I started smoking again.
I have stopped smoking.In order to run off the rest of the pounds I've had to quit.
Of course I am eating like a horse now,but it is just a day or 2 then that is over too,and I will not post weight for a while.I give myself 2 weeks,one to gain little because I am eating rubbish and one to lose it again.
The only bummer is I seemed to have pulled a muscle somewhere around where the hamstring attaches to the butt muscle or something like that.I've tried jogging every few hours to reliev the stress and somehow hurt the muscle.So I will stand plank and do sit ups and v-sits if I can.
I have been very angry with myself for getting myself caught up in the smoking as it is super hard to not eat wayyyyyy too much when you quit.So,I kept on trying to lose fast so I could get to goal and then quit but that jut caused me more stress,I needed to quit now.
So,this is me for now.When I am over the crazy eating to stop from smoking I will post again.
O,and FYI I can eat so much more than I ever thought.No pain,no discomfort,nothing!Will have to mak myself a 20 galon can of tea and drink that for th rest of this day!
first,the hotel stay was great.Buffets are just difficult now as of course I wanted to eat and in fact I had half a flat bread toastedwhich I wouldnt usually do.
Anyway,it is what it is...we travel a lot and I have to get use to it.
On the 5th I was 249 pounds.I find the weight loss painfully slow.I can not understand that I lose this slow.Whenever I diet I lose a lot faster and this is like a super strict mostly low carb diet,WHY IS THE WEIGHT LOSS SO SLOW?
it drives me nuts.Having said that,I am not really exercising at all....maybe that really will make a difference.
xxo
212 pounds.Started the exercise thing a while ago and the weight just stalled.It almost made me stop again.However the jellyfish thing doesnt do it for me any longer so now I exercise...lol
Whenever I drink a multivitamin I am thinking of food all day and extremely peckish!I hate that feeling so now I have gotten kiddie chewies and eat 2 in the morining,2 in the afternoon and 2 much later.That way the appetite is not affected so badly!
This is not so easy.I am starting to understand more and more that certain factors will make us want more food.And I am not talking about head hunger.This feeling when I drink the vitamins are physical not doubt about that.
The question is how to deal with that.I believe that snacking on carrot sticks and cucumber (blegh!) and frozen mixed veg (yummie,it is green giant mix of green peas,green beans,carrots and sweet corn...low in cals great taste when frozen!) will be ok eventually.
Doing plastics,according to my dr,will reduce the amount of fat cells I have and will also help with the rate at which I will pick up weight in the future.He atill maintains if I did the plastics 7 years ago after losing 120 pounds,I would not have regained so much weight again.
I cannot wait to be under 200.I stopped right at 200 (ok,was 198 for about 15 seconds) when I had the band,
My friend is exercizing with a personal trainer.He said he would give us a "family package" and come to our house to train my daughter,my friend and me.I am thinking that kind of spoils the fun...should be at the gym!
Will start trying kick boxing or body combat again in a while.Most important is to start pilates reformer again.Best toning one can ever,ever do!
Ok, enjoy your food everyone!
Yes,last ***ht I had the fright of my life and decided to really start exercising.
I exercised yesterday and today.Still play a mean game of squash even with no energy!
Also did some arm and leg circuits and I can feel it!
Of course I immediately wanted food afterwards but had a cup of tea and will have a nice protein dinner!
So,I actually slept quite well for about 5 hours,which is a lot for me anyway.Woke up feeling not to well.Nothing specific but nevertheless....I have a little bit of pain and tightness in my stomach area all the time.
Now,I think I may have been a bit busy yesterday.I went for a walk with my restless friends(who said we would just walk a block and then kept on saying there is a bench just around the corner) and climbed the stairs of my house too many times.
The PPI I am taking does not last 24 hours.I am taking it in the morning as that is when they started me on it in hospital but will have to change it to the evening at some point.I wake up in the morning with a very terrible taste in the mouth and breathing as if I have reflux.
The drinking was ok.I need protein and I can feel it.But I cannot take anything that is even slightly acidic as it causes acid so even the Isopure premade drinks are out.I am not sure which protein to take.I read about unjury and nectar and wish that I was in the US or UK ,we just do not have the products to make life easier at the moment.Like the sugarfree popcicles.I am even trying to find a non acid forming sugar free drink that I can make ice cubes with but alas...havent found any yet.The sugarfree jello did give me heartburn when I had the band and I am scared to eat that,even though that would be so great to just pretend to be eating.
Today I had 2 big cups of tea (my friend make me these big cups that have to be reheated all the time as they cool down way to fast to finish...LOL) 2 cups of chicken broth mixed with a lot of water, a actual popcicle with 12 carbs,high I know but I really needed something else and now I am busy drinking a protein drink with another 8 carbs.The total volume of drinks is about 1200ml (40 ounces I think)but I will try to do more for the day as there is quite a few hours left.
We went to the mall to see if I could find a protein drink.I found a protein shot called six star pro nutrition energy shot but unfortunately it had caffeine in it,and quite a bit too.I will drink this somewhere in the future as I actually bought a few of them.
So all in all a frustrating day as I really would like some sugarfree popcicles,and some protein drink that would go down well and something different to drink.Looking at the dr's program I am day 5 tomorrow and am allowed to go onto liquids from clear liquids and at the bottom it says "puree vegetables,puree potato and low fat labneh" .This makes me believe I can start having soups tomorrow.For now I will still do soups that do not have solids but like mushroom soup seems to be fine.
Now,as far as the weights concerned I have decided to just keep saying I expect a BIG loss at some point.Seeing as I am not allowed to obsess about the scale I started using some ketostix I had in the house and man,no low carb diet have ever given me the amount of ketones in my urine the way I have now....and that is exciting (not obsessing, am I?lol)
I expect this week to be a lot better and I expect to feel a lot better.See,the power of positive thinking.
xxo
So i have realized that I am obsessive about weighing and measuring and proteins and carbs and my poor family is on a diet and have been since I have started the crazy measuring and weighing of everything in July.
I now have given myself a week off.And just now my 11 year old and myself will be going to the beach and we will have hamburgers on the beach for dinner tonight.
And we will be going out a few times this weekend and I will eat whatever,but not too much.
This is the only way I am going to find this satisfaction level that I had with what I was eating for the first 4,5 months.This also prevents me from nibbling and constantly looking for something nice,which I still dont know what exactly that is.
So,I will be relaxing a little until Sunday which is monday here and then I am going to start low carb and ruthless exercise program to gt rid of this last 38 pounds.
So we are born again christians that have this little tradition to celebrate a traditional seder meal and this happened tonight at our house.
The lamb(a whole one) was cooked by a friend that is a chef and it was as soft as you could ever get lamb.I had to have some.So,I had 2oz of lamb,1 teaspoon of hummus,one teaspoon of mutabol,1 teaspoon of garlic cream.Well I took longer than the allowed time to eat it and I had to drink some tea to help soothe my belly.Now I didnt finish the hummus,motabol or garlic cream...just had a tiny liitle of each and the idea that I could eat even just 4 bites were fantastic.
There is still a quarter of the most tender lamb left and I found my little one in the kitchen scoffing some lamb.A that moment I really regretted not being able to do the same.I went and made myself a cup of tea.
xxo
This blog has saved my life this morning.
The sleeve is seriously messing with my head.I thought I was in a looooong stall.In the mean time I have only not lost for 5 days.
The pattern with wich I lose is so different from before.I usually drop a few 100 grams every day,or most days.
Since being sleeved the weight will stand completely still for a week,sometimes a little more and then I drop about 4 pounds.But I mean completely still....not down even 100g.
Somehow my head is seriously done in by this.I just dont get use to this.My obsession with the scale is somehow more in control.It is not a matter of jumping on the scale every time I walk past it anymore.But I still get very anxious if I dont weigh every day.Cannot figure what to eat as I doubt myself so much,even when I track the food on fitday.Keep thinking maybe I had more,maybe Im not real about it...even when I weigh the food.Somehow when Im not losing I feel like I am doing something wrong even though I know Im not.
I suppose my fear that I will fail is still huge as I still feel I failed with the band as I did lose the weight but regained it.I am so resistant to believe that this will work as my big yap coudnt keep shut about the surgery and everybody knows.Maybe that is also why I havent climbed on the intense exercise band wagon yet.
Anyhoo,upwards and onwards christian soldiers....lol
Often I see posts on what happens when people take "one bite to many"....well,that has never happened to me.I can actually eat quite a lot.Usually I try not to but we've been entertaining a lot lately.Tonight after dinner I had something else to eat and for the first time I had a single hick up that I was wondering am I now full,is this it?that feeling of slight tightness in my chest and a hick-up?
It is so crazy to hear people say they cannot make 800 calories when I have to stop myself all the time or I would usually average about 1000 whr I eat what I really want to.
Then the thing of cutting carbs.I dont do more than 60 carbs on a high day but for me that is high in carbs for weight loss.When I low carbed before I had to stricktly stay under 20 for it to really work.
When I do low carb I feel a little on the depressed side.The feel good factor just disappears from my life and I start craving crisps and chocolate badly.
I am really worried that I will fail with this sleeve.I am not really dieting as I have this stange reaction of having no expectations so I will not be so disappointed.I suppose in a way after the struggle with the band it is normal to feel this but I will have to pull myself toward myself and start getting with the program and exercise and eat only the right food.
I will do this.
tomorrow I will see my physician.Since surgery I have had 4 episodes of petechiae.Those tiny little point bleeds that is a rash on my trunk and thighs and this time also on my back.This has scared me when it happened but I always got it after I had my B12 shot and it did go away in about 5 days.
This time it seems to be increasing and I havent had a shot.I also have bruises all over and some inplaces that you know it wasnt caused by anything.
I hope he can shed some light on this as it is quite scary to think it might be related to low B12 or low platelet count.I am a registered nurse and I know that we do not think too much of the fact that our intrinsic factor has been cut out but that this can cause some serious issues for some people.
So I will fast tonight and hopefully he will do thorough baseline bloods and vitamins bloods.It is quite difficult here to convince the dr's to do a lot of different vitamin bloods at a time as some of the tests are still send away and it is very very costly to do.I just wish I knew what bloods we need to do as a standard anyway.
O well,lts see what he says.
Today was a great protein day!
Tomorrow I am going to stop smoking and I am very apprehensive about this. (is that the right word?lol)
Will try to do loads of exercise (playing squash in the morning) and drink lots of water.I have asked my family to cut me some slack and not buy into any arguments I will try to start. (they are terrible at this though so I might just have to lock myself up for the day..lol)
Usually by the end of day 3 I start feeling like a human being again and dont snap at everybody.
This is the last time.I will not give up anything,will just stop to be a normal non smoker from now on.(thats what Alan Carr says)
So this is the first day of the rest of my life as a normal person.
