of course the old me was just lurking around the corner just to pop out its head when I least expected it...lol
My friend came home tonight,after the housekeeper had made everybody else meal,cottage pie with a sweetpotato twist (and I had made my fish) and said she was opening a bottle of my favourite red wine...and of course I wanted a glass.So she ha one glass and I ended up having 2 and some of their dinner not my fish.
At this poin I have realized how hard I have actually been on myself over the past 6 months.I dont eat carbs (well,no carbs thats not in green veggies or salad veggies) I dont eat sweets or chocolates,ever.I dont eat crisps or ice cream.I really stick to my plan 99% of the time.Sometimes I eat too much fish or too much chicken (not at once but I will snack on it as well) I am actually good as gold with the eating plan except for once a month when I go to the movies and have some caramel popcorn (shared with someone)O,and I do have a snack of chilly bite beef jerky (very salty) at least 4 days a week.
I exercise all the time now.I am really very good and 99 pounds in 6.5 months is npt too shabby at all.
But every time I stall,and this last time I just started losing very very slowly,I am convinced that I am doing something wrong and will fail.
My choice is to put tonight behind me.I enjoyed my wine and my food and I will really try not to weigh for the next two days at least.
And tomorrow night we will do maybe a 5km run and be back on track for the next 5 pounds loss.
I am stoked to work super hard to lose the 35 pounds I still have to lose.
today I weighed 198 pounds for the first time in many years.
It seems I really did need an attitude change...lol
The food is still mostly proteins.No obsessive behavior there...a few carbs makes no difference but boy do more exercise make a huge difference.
We now run up to 6 km 3 nights a week.It is still 95 degrees some nights and it takes a lot of mental strenght to go out there.But I want to lose weight.
Tuesdays and Saturdays we play roun robin squash for more than 2 hours.
Sundays and Tuesdays I have reformer pilates class.On Monday,Wednesday and Friday we run.
I also try to do some circuit training in the gym twice a week.Should step this up a Little to build more muscle but its a work in progress.
I am very,very,very,very achy all over.My right leg (in front from the thigh right down to my lower leg) aches all the time and sleeping without pain killers is DIFFICULT.But I want to be thin.
We went to a Ill Divo concert last night and this morning my friend told me that I looked very pretty last night.She says people looked at me.This really freaked me out as I am tall and my hearts desire has always been to just blend in with thw crowd.Now I feel even taller for some reason and I know one notices taller people just because we stand out.All this means I have to start dealing with my fear of man or my life might be a little difficult in future.
I will post pics of before and after tomorrow if I switch on my mac.Ipad does not upload onto this website and I cannot figure out how to upload with my Iphone.
So,I've now lost 99 pounds.To celebrate we are going for a run tonight.Also to see how far we can run without stopping so that we can start with a more structured running program
Earlier I posted this post about being sick of the sleeve and desperate and doing the duodenal switch...blablabla...yada,yada,yada........
Then I went back to the gym to play a game of squash.We played hard and fast and my goodness it felt soooo good.
This all made me decide that I will lose more weight.Even if I have to learn to run a hundred km at a time.I will do whatever I can to lose the last 38 pounds.
My friend is a personal trainer and I will start train with him next week.I need to start doing some serious muscle building.
My goodness,why would I not lose weight if I really work hard?Why do I feel that its not fair that my weight loss have stopped?Who said life was fair?
No more chip on my shoulder about this.Yes,I might have terrible days where the scale might affect my mind but I will think positively about losing weight and getting to goal.
Tomorrow morning before we go out with friends I will do some exercise and in the afternoon I will either go and swim in the sea or I will go walk while it is still 97 degrees!(swim sounds like fun!)
Since I have decided to take a week off I had a blast.Not overeating but just relaxing a little.
Of course toda I relaxed too much and bamm,ate half a container of caramel popcorn in the movies....which of course brings my cals for the day to about 1700....ooops!
Now if the theory of calories in calories out was scientifically correct then this should not be a problem at all.See we played in a squash tournament this morning with a bunch of young girls and boy did I burn a load of calories.According to my bodybugg I am far over 3000 cals for the day but to be on the modest side lets say it is 3000.
Which means I still have a huge deficit for this day......but alas,as experience have taught me this will not matter tomorrow when I weigh.
Ok,here is my prediction.I will be heavier at least 1to2 pounds heqvier tomorrow and this will not jus disappear again the next day.
anyhoo,I will start fresh this week and see if I can drop at least a few pounds this week.It must be doable.This 4 pounds for the month thingy is not going to do it for me for much longer so desperate times call for desperate measures...will just have to figure out what that might be...lol
So i have realized that I am obsessive about weighing and measuring and proteins and carbs and my poor family is on a diet and have been since I have started the crazy measuring and weighing of everything in July.
I now have given myself a week off.And just now my 11 year old and myself will be going to the beach and we will have hamburgers on the beach for dinner tonight.
And we will be going out a few times this weekend and I will eat whatever,but not too much.
This is the only way I am going to find this satisfaction level that I had with what I was eating for the first 4,5 months.This also prevents me from nibbling and constantly looking for something nice,which I still dont know what exactly that is.
So,I will be relaxing a little until Sunday which is monday here and then I am going to start low carb and ruthless exercise program to gt rid of this last 38 pounds.
O my goodness,my sleeve has shrunk!
After 2 day on liquids an no real weight change I decided screw this,I need food...lol
So today I had low fat cheddar (1oz) for lunch and then I had some edamame (eating them out of the pods) too many of them but hey,they chew down to nothing!
For dinner I put 2 oz of chicken and 2 tablespoons of spinach on my plate.Now after 1oz of chicken and about half of the spinach I am stuffed.....not really satisfied but full.
The question of the moment is,do I walk away from the rest or do I wait for a while and finish it?of course I know I should leave it.This is exactly why I lost weight so fast while on holiday.I would have a glass of wine and a teensy tiny bit of food and feel happy and satisfied.I didnt try to "make proteins" and worry so much about this.
However,my hair fell out loads.Now,the new strategy will be 1 protein shake with 120 cals and 25g of protein.For the rest of it I am just not going to worry about it anymore.I will go back to teeny tiny portions of great quality protein and some veggies and some wine every now and then....I will have a good meal again.
Anyhoo,my resolve will most prob just last until my obsessive compulsive nature takes over and start obsessing about the fact that I am not at goal yet!
I average 2800 calories burn per day.I exercise,I eat right and my weight should stay right here then C'est la vie! I am doing everything I can to get to goal and it will happen!
I have started with the 5 day pouch test today.
It is just so frustrating to me that my weight have stopped again where it have always stopped...just above 200 pounds.I am not cheating.I am exercising to the point of exhaustion.
But I will get under 200 even if I ahve to not eat for the next 2 weeks!
Its been longer than a week now since I quit smoking.I also lost the weight I gained when I quit plus one.
Today 204 pounds.
The exercise program for the week was as follows:
Reformer pilates on Sunday and Tuesday for one hour at a time.
Some interval graining with weights on Monday.
Tuesday evening 1 hour of squash
wednesday evening 6,4km in 40 minutes (its still 98 degrees in the evening here with very high humidity)
Thursday 6,4km walk in 55 minutes.
friday squash 1,5 hours
saturday squash 1,5 hours
I didnt have the guts to up my calories.So I lowered it,hehehe! I have been on 700 with 30 carbs and between 65 and 75g protein every day!
Lots of hard work and little food for 1 pounds!
Ok,now for this week!
cant quite remember how long I've quit now but this is hard.Had to reason with myself a few times today but am ok now.
I feel like rubbish with the flu and but muscle still painful but went to reformer class just to do something.Also going to play squash tonight just to get out and not having to sit and resist the temptation to eat the whole night.
Crazy thing is my weight is now stuck on what I have gained.I have been low carbing (very low) for 3 days and did not have the usual results when I cut the carbs way back after a few high carb days.
Another interesting thing is this.Smoking does affect metabolic rate.This is very clear on my bodybugg at the moment.Now I have to do something other than wheezing and huffing for oxygen..hehehe...to increase my metabolic burn..lol
All in all I am way friendlier than I thought I would be and that is a real blessing for my kids (they were trembling with fear when I said I was going to quit..lol)
Tomorrow we are starting a week long experiment.I am going to up my calories to 1300 per day.My carbs to less than 100.I am not going to cut out any food groups but will not do refined carbs.It will be 3 meals and 2 snacks and I will only weigh on day one and day 8. (this is the plan...lol)I am not allowed to freak out about whatever happens.added to this I will have to burn at least 600 cals extra per day with exercise and I have to step up the weight training.
Next week I am starting hypoxi therapy!
This is just to remind you why smoking ever again would be a stupid thing to do.
You constantly want to snack now that you dont have the smoke to run to.Everything but proteins have carbs.So edamame is nice but the carbs .....,even the bullets have 2 carbs an if you eat 5 per day that adds another 10 carbs.The dreaded feeling that you have just self sabotaged like you always do is horrible isn it?Not knowing if you will lose more weight?Not seeing the bright side of life because 1.either your smoking like a thief with something to hide or 2.your withdrawing like a junkie once again....
Having to go through the cravings and being so mad at yourself all the time is quite unhealthy dont you think?
The way you feel at the moment sucks.Dont do it again.
Ok,day 3 is over and I must admit.Without being able to eat the whole time,this was tough.
Today I travelled across the city to find shirataki yam noodles and frozen edamame pods.
I am delighted to say that not only did I find these at the only Japanese grocer in town but I also found sugarfree bullets (popcicles) at another shop.
The bullets like sf jello gives me a little bit of a feeling in my esophagus (almost heartburn not quite but I do have a feeling)
These I now use as I need to snack on something instead of smoking.It would be way to easy to just gain 10 pounds this week but I refuse.
I have workd out an eating schedule.My calories are about 1000 as I have added the edamame and the bullets but my goodness this is better than the last 2 days!
My kis are sick with a cold and my head has been aching so badly for the past 3 days (thoughht it was because I quit) and my throat is scratchy.I have been taking zinc and vit c to kick this feeling.
Tonight I will do my first after dinner loooong walk.It worked so well for me before to exercise in the evening in stead of sitting wishing I could eat or smoke or drink copious amounts of wine,which I dont,I just want to.
I just wish I had a squash partner for every day of the week.This would have been such a blessing at this point as hitting the ball releases tention and of course it is excellent interval training.
O well,will just have to put on music and walk,walk,walk!!!!!
My beautiful housemate and best friend of many years,that really knows the extent of my desturbed body image and the body dismorphia (real) I have had since the age of about 13 have taken it upon herself to teach me about size...lol
Well,at first she was very subtle and I didnt know what she was doing.She would constantly ask me,when we were in the shops or gym,if I thought I was bigger than this lady or that woman.....she wouldnt comment much but sh wold tell me if I was wrong.
Today she said she wanted to show me women that was the same size and women that was much larger.I was not to ague this with her but just had to look at these women and had to think about what this mean in terms of how I see myself.
Very interesting I might say until I came home and looked at the newest pics my daughter took of me.I am still big as a house.Pictures dont lie!And maybe I dont need to see myself with my eyes but maybe I can just learn to ignore what I see that isnt true,that might help already!
Rome wasnt built in a day and I will keep trying to be more realistic,even if it is with my head!
Everytime I have lost weigh in the past I thought I would be able to see it and I never could.This made me extremely paranoid when people commented on my weight loss.This in turn woul make me fall off plan to stop being anxious and the old cycle would repeat.
I do no have these expectations anymore.I can trust clothes size and as it stands now,I still wear a size 18 which is huge even though I know it is smaller than a 24.
Everbody's got a story dont we?everyone trying to cope with all the crazyness in the world and so many not even realizing how much a part they are in it.And until real disaster strikes we dont realize how insignificant our daily struggles really are.
When people talk about crossover addiction we all think booze right?
Well 2.5 months after my surgery,while having stress that topped anything I've had in the past 10 years,I started smoking again.
I have stopped smoking.In order to run off the rest of the pounds I've had to quit.
Of course I am eating like a horse now,but it is just a day or 2 then that is over too,and I will not post weight for a while.I give myself 2 weeks,one to gain little because I am eating rubbish and one to lose it again.
The only bummer is I seemed to have pulled a muscle somewhere around where the hamstring attaches to the butt muscle or something like that.I've tried jogging every few hours to reliev the stress and somehow hurt the muscle.So I will stand plank and do sit ups and v-sits if I can.
I have been very angry with myself for getting myself caught up in the smoking as it is super hard to not eat wayyyyyy too much when you quit.So,I kept on trying to lose fast so I could get to goal and then quit but that jut caused me more stress,I needed to quit now.
So,this is me for now.When I am over the crazy eating to stop from smoking I will post again.
O,and FYI I can eat so much more than I ever thought.No pain,no discomfort,nothing!Will have to mak myself a 20 galon can of tea and drink that for th rest of this day!
when we went on holiday in July I lost loads of weight.eating out all the time,no tracking,counting carbs no execise (ok,I didnt exercise at all until then)
Now,back in our old routine,I have startes exercising loads.I burn about 3000 cals most days and about 2300 on the days I rest.
My food on execise days are about 1000 cals (naturally more hungry days) but on non exercise days at 800.
The lack of consistent losing is still driving me batty!
My head is seriously done in by this.
I have considered stopping the exercise again but boy am I flabby!On the one hand exercise is not going to help me reduce the skin at all but it might help for the additional blubber to even out.I am very lumpy on my legs.
Sometimes I consider doing fluids only for a day or 2 but I hate protein shakes.And I drink way to much tea with milk when I dont eat.Besides that the moment I decide to do fluids I want to eat....lol
I know I am super impatient about this as the average weight loss is still 1kg a week but I want to lose more.It is amazing to me that others can be so happy to just plod along.I try but fail to be happy with that.
Mainly I am impatient as I feel stuck above 200.199 would have been fine to sit on for a while but boy I want to be out of the 200 so badly.
It is an issue that I am thinking of eating so often.Maybe if that was different I wouldnt have minded losing slower but it just feels like a super strict diet that I am on.I am trying to get hold of some half and half so that I can stop worrying about the carbs in the milk.
And maybe I should just add carbs to my diet now so that my body can adjust to that and lose weight while eating carbs again.It worked just fine for 5 months,why wouldnt it work now?
Writing these things down helps me.I've looked back on this blog a few times and it changes my perspective sometimes to see that there is good times and bad.
So,weight is still 205 and I will only post again when it is down some more.
A positive post this next time as I have started using this as the place to whine!However,I have stopped talking about the weight loss and food issues with others and when I finish here,I feel better and can face the day with a more positive outlook.
Having said all this,I am a crazy optimist that would expect a weight loss tomorrow just to often be disappointed again.Maybe the issue really is the fact that I am weighing every day.It is difficult to not get on the scale though.
Ok,upwards and onwards!
lately I have being thinking about being such a pleaser.Not only a peoples pleaser but everything and everybody.Not a happy pleaser either for the past few years.
When you st unrealistic standards you are doomed to fail.Not only that my fear of failure and success has become a serious stumbling block in my life.
My friend ( very successful lady) always says she is a plodder.She just starts somewhere without contemplating the whole big picture and adjusts as things play out.Me on the other hand needs the see the outcome even before I have started and I have become stuck as everything has the potential not to be perfect.
And when the scale moves down I can be positive about the long term outcome and when it doesnt I feel dread coming my way.
It is also stopping me in other aspects of my life which really needs changing.If something can be accomplished fast in a short time I can see the big picture but most things in life just dont happen that fast.
So this is my resolve.In order for me to do a different degree (I have one in nursing,got it 25 years ago,never needed math for that) I have to do IGCSE math and English.That is like year 10 math.I felt very resentful of this for years and would lose the plot completely because I just didnt want to do it as it would waste another year of my life.This year I am going to do it.Like a little 15 year old.But maybe starting somewhere again will teach me the patience I lack to just plod along and finally reach the end of something.And maybe this will help me along this weight loss journey that is a journey forever and not only for now.
Weight 205 today!
So I should shut up until I really quit!
Thats all I have to say about that!...lol
Now,I have realized that I obsess wayyyy to much about the scale and I can say it because today I am down a kg and my mood is completely different.
Then,I have also realized that when I add a little more fat to my diet I eat a lot less.Not a lot,just a little more.I want less of everything.And to reset is actually possible.One day of super low carbs and just enough proteins (60g) and the next day the hunger is gone.
Will try to remember this when I go nuts again.
Today was a great protein day!
Tomorrow I am going to stop smoking and I am very apprehensive about this. (is that the right word?lol)
Will try to do loads of exercise (playing squash in the morning) and drink lots of water.I have asked my family to cut me some slack and not buy into any arguments I will try to start. (they are terrible at this though so I might just have to lock myself up for the day..lol)
Usually by the end of day 3 I start feeling like a human being again and dont snap at everybody.
This is the last time.I will not give up anything,will just stop to be a normal non smoker from now on.(thats what Alan Carr says)
So this is the first day of the rest of my life as a normal person.
today I made the choice to have 1500 calories for the day.I had about 150g of carbs and I enjoyed every one of them.
Tomorrow I will be back on plan but with some complex carbs as part of my diet again.It just worked for me.Cutting carbs to 25 makes me feel blue and makes the constipation terrible to deal with.
I will also keep up with the exercise and will try to do a walk in the evening in addition to everything else.
Now for the next 20 pounds as a short term goal by the 18th of December when we have a big family reunion in SA.
Heres to better days!
It has been almost 3 weeks since I've last lost even an ounce!
At the moment I am seriously depressed.I regret having started smoking after surgery again.I am so angry with myself about this.Stopping is not an issue.Stopping and not gaining weight is.Somehow this warped head of mine believe that the smoking had something to do with the weight loss.I am petrified of stopping and gaining.But I want to stop as I want to run more,cannot do that while coughing and wheezing!
Also today I would have loved a real binge,I mean an all fall down eat till you're sick binge!I know it sounds horrible but stalling like is is messing with my head so badly.I have always believed that if you dont lose you are doing something wrong.I am still convinced of it.Dont know how to FEEL different about it.I am anxious,depressed,obesessive and generally feels like I AM A BIG FAT FAILURE AGAIN!
And most of all,today I dont feel that the sleeve was the right option for me!If I did gastric bypass I might have been T goal already!I am too messed up as a person to handle the mind games of losing and stalling and losing and stalling,not knowing if its me,is this it,is this as good as its gonna get because no matter what I do I cant move the scale?I hate,hate being so out of control.I hate this sleeve!
today I will take some pictures for the first time post op.Its been 5 and a half months now that I've still been avoiding the pics.
My kid took some the morning of surgery (and some the morning after).
I might even post them if I can see a difference.Being very body dismorphic doesnt make life easy.I have to see myself with my mind and not really my eyes as my eyes still see me almost exactly the same,but with a lot more wrinkles and drooping skin.My head tells me 88 pounds is a significant weight loss.
S,lets see how brave I can be!
ok so I have hit the mother of all stalls.And all the doubt and all the anxiety has returned.
Am I eating to much?Am I eating to little?What should I eat?What am I doing wrong.I must be doing something wrong.
I know,with the rational part of my brain,that I have TOM and the 2 pounds that I am up is normal for this time of the month.My housekeeper reminds me every morning when I storm down the stairs in a bad fat mood that this is the way its been since surgery and that I look thinner to her.She is so sweet.And such a LIAR..lol!
It has been quite a while since the scale has moved and I dont know how to survive these stalls.My mood still depends way to much on the number on the ruddy scale.I must say I dont weigh near as much as before just because I just dont have any expectations anymore,which is not a good thing!
I am just so scared every time I hit a stall that it will nwvwr end and this is as good as its going to get for me.
But nothing I do changes this so I guess I will just have to sit it out.(this is punishment for always thinking that peolple who said they stalled were cheating with their food..lol)
since I've last posted my weight of 211 on the 16th,I thought I had not lost any weight at all.In fact a week ago my weight jumped up 4 pounds after I had some caramel popcorn (not a whole lot either) and a frozen yogurt.
At the time my stress levels was at an all time high and we had to make some very very difficult life altering decisions.I really wished I could just eat and eat like before but HATED the weight that came back.
After last weekend I decided to do the right things again but still didnt think I had lost any weight this week.
Well,when I converted my weight from kilos to pounds I was super pleased to see I am down another 2 pounds.Yes, 209 today!!!!!!
I am hoping for the weight loss to pick up a little again as I am really exercising hard now.I am also eating very clean foods again.
One thing that bugs me though.Since my sugar fender bender I am experiencing what I believe is hunger.It feels physical to me.Might be head hunger though.Will have to explore this a little further but I am worried about this.I also feel at times that I want to eat more.When I eat only proteins I eat 3oz and do feel full but not satisfied.
Anyhow,I am on my way with the weight loss again as I have already booked our next holiday and I NEED to be at least 30 pounds lighter by then...I will work my butt off for this!
Will meet up with my Dubai sleeve buddies some time.They are all doing very very well.
So,next entry might only be when I've dropped the next 5 pounds....but that is going to be soon and I am going to drop this fast...hehehe!
So we are ahving quite a bit of stress in our lives at the moment and my sleeve hates it!
I have constant pain on my stomach (radiates to my back) and the stomach is rummbling like it did directly post surgery!
There is nothing else going on as far as I can tell.the sleeve is just super tight and very sensitive!
Dont really know what to do about this!
212 pounds.Started the exercise thing a while ago and the weight just stalled.It almost made me stop again.However the jellyfish thing doesnt do it for me any longer so now I exercise...lol
Whenever I drink a multivitamin I am thinking of food all day and extremely peckish!I hate that feeling so now I have gotten kiddie chewies and eat 2 in the morining,2 in the afternoon and 2 much later.That way the appetite is not affected so badly!
This is not so easy.I am starting to understand more and more that certain factors will make us want more food.And I am not talking about head hunger.This feeling when I drink the vitamins are physical not doubt about that.
The question is how to deal with that.I believe that snacking on carrot sticks and cucumber (blegh!) and frozen mixed veg (yummie,it is green giant mix of green peas,green beans,carrots and sweet corn...low in cals great taste when frozen!) will be ok eventually.
Doing plastics,according to my dr,will reduce the amount of fat cells I have and will also help with the rate at which I will pick up weight in the future.He atill maintains if I did the plastics 7 years ago after losing 120 pounds,I would not have regained so much weight again.
I cannot wait to be under 200.I stopped right at 200 (ok,was 198 for about 15 seconds) when I had the band,
My friend is exercizing with a personal trainer.He said he would give us a "family package" and come to our house to train my daughter,my friend and me.I am thinking that kind of spoils the fun...should be at the gym!
Will start trying kick boxing or body combat again in a while.Most important is to start pilates reformer again.Best toning one can ever,ever do!
Ok, enjoy your food everyone!
