"We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path. "
-Paulo Coelho
Enough said!
April 10, 2012
(TMI warning for some of you guys out there)
Another day waking up in pain. My ankles, my knees, my hips, my back, my shoulders, and my neck.... I am still struggling with the lack of Advil in my regimen. I love to play with my little daughter. However, she is a toddler and very active. Her favorite things to do DAILY are dance, twirl, jump, bounce, etc to music. I have to say I cannot wait to be rid of all my pain. In an attempt to keep up with her and not disappoint her, I force myself to do this with her daily, even knowing what the repercussions will be to my joints. Not to mention, when my daughter wants to jump and bounce to her favorite song everyday, I just about take myself out with my boobs! The sheer physics of it all is kind of funny actually I go up, and the velocity of my boobs seem to continue to accelerate as they head toward the sky (or rather my face) like two melons being launched out of a sling shot. The funny part is you are already on your way back down as your boobs lift further, then they drop at the rate of gravity (9.81 m/s2) VERY quickly after. There is nothing like the jerking halt of what feels like two giant bowling balls tied to a string around your neck being dropped off the edge of a building. I know I am not the only one who knows this feeling. This isn't just with jumping, or bouncing, this is also with running. Even in situations you would never dream of.... Once as I sat in a friends speedboat going over the choppiest of waters. Yep, that sure did make for some entertainment for a good 30 minutes as I did everything I could to keep these puppies under control. It did give some good laughs though. Another funny boob story, I took my son to an arcade for the day (little mom and son time) He wanted to play this virtual roller coaster, so I get on, lean back and the entire ride starts to move with the movie screen. Well, I have to say, laying on your back with your breasts jerking around in just about 360 degree turns is not a pleasant experience. My point is, I can't wait to get rid of these knockers! They are in my way; they make my back hurt, my shoulders hurt, and my neck hurt. I want little itty-bitty boobies with a cute lacy bra. I would like to work out in a sports bra without having the enormous uniboob that is oh so stylish. I have no doubt when I take all this weight off that is pounding down on my joints I will feel better and I can continue to play with my very active daughter pain free. Ooooooooh the day can't come soon enough.
May 14th! Waaaaaaa! The long awaited "date"! I feel like a beam of light from the heavens should shine down on me with some celestial music accompanying it. Well that is how it felt as I discussed the conversation with the pre-op coordinator on the phone. I tried to play it cool, but inside I couldn't wait to get off the phone so I could squeal like a little girl and do the happy dance. These past few weeks I have read over and over people posting their exciting messages about the date they have. I can feel the excitement in their posts and now I have joined the "date crew". This is all starting to move so fast. It's so real. I can't wait! My pre-op coordinator gave me a little more good news...no great news. I have been a self-pay up until today due to insurance not covering the procedure because I didn't meet criteria. Well, that is what they are telling anyone who inquires about the coverage right now, but the truth is the new criteria and policy do not begin until June. Because my surgery is before May, it will be covered and not allowed to audit after. Yay!!!
March 23rd, 2012
It's official!!! I saw the surgeon and the behaviorist this morning and I have the green light from both!!! I have the approval finally and now it is just a matter of the scheduling department calling me up and setting the date. He said because I am a self-pay, I don't have to wait for insurance, so it should go pretty quickly, maybe by May he said. Wooohoooo!!!!! In fact he said I was a perfect candidate for the procedure and he feels I will be very successful given my positive attitude, yadda, yadda! woohooo! is all I can seem to muster. Woooohooooo!!!!!!
March 15, 2012
I had the Endoscopy today of my stomach to look for possible ulcers and take some biopsy of the tissue. Everything looks great!! Things are moving along so far with no problems. (knock on wood) Strange feeling being on the drug "versed". When I started to remember again I was telling them I was having a daydream about something, but I can't remember what I said. My husband said I was babbling on and on to the doctor, slurring and giddy. Hope I didn't ever say anything too inappropriate.
Oh how I wish the day would hurry up already, I’m so excited just to get the date set. I meet with the surgeon on the 23rd. Not sure how long after. I think he said it could be as little as a few weeks after that appointment. Not sure. Well, I am feeling a little tired and hung over from the medication so sweet dreams.
March 12, 2012
"It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect its successful outcome."
~William James~
March 11, 2012
Despite the joint pain I am having, my husband and I have been planning a little outing today to go fishing. We found a nice little spot at the river and saw the fish jumping. It is our anniversary tomorrow, but we wanted to spend today together instead. We didn't catch anything, but it was so nice and peaceful away from the kids and chaos at home. I think with all my talk about the gastric sleeve over the past week he has been feeling a bit neglected. I admit, all I have been talking about is this procedure and everything I have been learning. He didn't say it, but I think he is getting a little sick of it. So we spent a few hours without talking about the sleeve or my weight, just being together, even flirting a bit. We used to hike together and I know lately I don't do those things anymore. I know I hold him back often from doing things he enjoys because he doesn't want to leave me out, so instead he'll sacrifice a lot for me. He is a wonderful husband in so many ways. I can't wait to do all the things we enjoy again feeling healthy, energetic, all around good about myself. Just the thought that maybe I can wear a pair of shorts again (I've been hiding my legs under pants for years) I imagine how it is going to be to feel like that active young girl I used to be once upon a time. Be the girl he fell in love with again inside and out. He deserves a happier me; I deserve a happier me. Now I must go to ice my entire body...Ouch!
March 10th, 2012
Yesterday they scheduled my endoscopy for Thursday, March 15th because they have to check for potential ulcers. I have been on NSAIDS (Advil) for a very long time in my life and take Omeprazole to prevent damage to my stomach. They want to make sure before we go ahead with surgery that everything looks okay inside. A bleeding ulcer would be contraindicated obviously. The last thing you want is to be bleeding after surgery. For this procedure and the surgery I have to stop all my intake of Advil indefinitely. As you may have read in previous entries, I have been running around on cloud nine the past few days. Well I have bad knees, ankles, hips, and shoulders. I woke up this morning with the worst joint pain I have had in years. I looked like a stiff mummy trying to come down my stairs this morning. I cannot take the Advil for it, only Tylenol. The Tylenol helps a little with the pain, but not the swelling. I assume once the weight starts to come off, the stress on the joints should reduce, hence the pain will hopefully reduce as well. I just have to be patient and endure this for a little while and hope for the best. My body is telling me to chill out a little bit today and stop trying to conquer the world in just one day. I'm going to listen to it.
March 7th, 2012
I have committed and I am on board! I am going to get a Gastric Sleeve and change my life!! Oh my gosh, my life will never be the same...my relationship with food will forever be altered...so many things racing through my brain today. I am excited and scared, joyful, yet apprehensive. The idea is almost surreal in a way. Just thinking a year from now, I am going to be free of this heavy coat I wear. I have been spending my entire evening going through the forum and reading so many stories. Getting so inspired, sometimes scared, but mostly excited about the future. Perhaps it quite normal, but I almost feel a sense of nostalgia to my old friend "food". All the false comfort it provided at time, and oh how my good friend Oreo cookie never once turned his back on me (why the Oreo is a he? Not sure) But, like a bad habit of any other kind, I'm never looking back. I have my eyes set on success and failure in this chapter of my life is no longer an option. I will be strong, I will be confident, I will be healthy, I will live longer and watch my children have their own children one day, I will be beautiful inside and out, I will break the chain of obesity today, starting with me! Oh... and I plan on rocking some really cute boots once I have calves that can fit into them!
I am scheduled to meet with the surgeon on March 23rd and the Behaviorist the same day. Oh how I wish I could just leap couple weeks in the future and set the date already. I feel like a kid waiting to go downstairs on Christmas morning. I decided to start this blog, because I figure a change this big in my life needs to go down in history as one of the most "legen"...wait for it..."dary" moments of my life. I want to capture the full spectrum of ups and downs and I hope to bring a little light and humor to a very difficult battle. This battle didn't start today; this will be the victory to a long road I have been traveling on for years. That long road of ups and downs both physically and emotionally. I'm ready to finally step off this crazy roller coaster ride and begin to live again. I once rock climbed....I loved to rock climb. In my 20's I said I would complete a sprint triathlon before I die...Well, I say...I'm not dead yet....Until next time.
