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First steps towards a new future.

Entries in this blog

 

Fear!

So I was talking to a friend of the colleague who had the sleeve - it apparently took her some 12 weeks to recover...I was thinking about having the surgery at the beginning of April as we follow up with a 9 day break...My question is, will that be enough time to recover and go back to work?   I work with all age groups - it isnt physical per se but there is a vast range of little 'uns! From Pre k to Grade 12 - I teach music, singing and drama...   Advice anyone, please! This is really the only thing that I am haltering at...
Sandfluffymama

Sandfluffymama

7
 

Fears And Consultations...in The Desert.

Well,   I'm here, in Dubai, teaching, living, married with a beautiful baby girl and waiting...until Saturday at 7pm when I meet with a potential surgeon. He comes highly recommended from a colleague and friend who went to him six months ago and has gone from a size 20 to a size 8...I dont even think I was ever that size...maybe when I was 6????   I have always struggled with my weight - since the age of 4...and then used food as comfort and a form of escapism from my despotic stepfather and his incessant obsession with my size...then he decided to shove me off to boarding school, where I was bullied yet again for being different (raised in Hong Kong and not with all the English middle class twits, and also for being more rotund than the rest of them). But we digress...bitching over.   So, I go through all the psychological nonsense that I am sure most of us go through - food relationships, fear of lying on the slab, the release of living to eat...I choose not to sit on the fence for too long. Once I see this consultatant, I will make my decision. It is either for me or it isn't. But so far, I think it is - granted I am FULL OF FEAR and dread, but I think I will do it.   I am scared of telling my mum - and the fact that I may not be able to lift my baby Safia for a while. I am trying to dissipate my 'need of approval' - such a nasty little disease. I am doing well with my weight so far - I have gone from 129kg to 115kg by controlled portions and exercise alone. So I know that my mum will be like "...but you are doing so well without the surgery!" Yes, I am doing well...but I feel the need to do more, to make it more permanent. Granted I know that my stomach can re-stretch but after spending such a HEEEYOOOGE amount of money on this project, I would not dare it to!   I have so much going on right now - I am a wife, mother, teacher, department head and I am also doing my dissertation to complete my masters...it is tough. Also, being married to a non Brit has its challenges. I love my husband very much but he hates it here and sometimes it affects us. Still, we both have jobs and our lifestyle isnt too bad.   I am fed up of feeling hungry - not for food, for life! I want to be able to dance again properly - I used to be **** hot! I want to be able have sex and not struggle with positions and climaxes! I want to be able to shop in normal stores for beautiful, petite things and not have to find the plus size section. I want to live a long time for my daughter (this of course comes before ANYTHING ELSE).   So, lets see what happens on Saturday. Pray for me as I will pray for all of you. Questions? Comments? Go right ahead! Sending love and light to everyone xx
Sandfluffymama

Sandfluffymama

6
 

To Be Or Not To Be? That Is The Question! Cogito Ergo Sum.

We had our school carnival last weekend - kind of nice...we made milkshakes and raised a fair bit of cash. The money goes towards the girls' graduation fund thing.   So one of my homeroom students has been absent for a while and turns out that she had surgery...she spoke to me in the hospital. I asked her how she was and she told me that she had 3 laprascopic (sp?) holes and was doing ok - it dawned on me that she had had a sleeve! I asked her very quietly - turns out she had the same doc and surgeon that I am going to have! I wasnt sure whether to be shocked or supportive. The girl is 14...FOURTEEN!!! and by NO means overweight (and I dont mean by my standards, I mean by medical standards!) Her sisters are very slender but still...then I remember that there is hardly any criteria for this kind of surgery. So many thoughts were running through my head - was this ethical? (then I remember where I live...)   She seemed ok at the decision so I told her I was going through the same thing soon, how proud I was of her for taking control of her life and there are a few people in our school who have been through the same thing so if she wanted to talk about it, she could...what else could I do? Its a bit late for me to show my shock and disdain! Then I remind myself that there could be all sorts of reasons for this action - although I do have my suspicions...perhaps her family have a history of obesity and heart disease or anything...I must learn not to be so judgemental!   I saw my lovely friend who had her surgery on sunday - she looked really fab and seems to be managing so well. I am super proud of her - I dont really know her that well - in fact I know her via another friend but I am sure that we will become friends soon - she is so nice!   Anyway, she is off school for another week or so. I told my boss that I would be having surgery today and I am taking a couple of days off - she was totally sound about it - I just need a doctor's note to cover the couple of days that I will miss before the start of the holidays. Then I will have 10 days to recover before getting back to school. She guessed I was having a lap band - I said that I wasnt and I would tell her one day. To be honest, my boss can be a pain in the butt (like all bosses!) but I like her and have a good relationship with her.   My husband, on the other hand, is being a jerk - let me tell you, cross cultural marriages (I'm sure like any marriage!) can be TOUGH! He doesnt believe that I am going to have this surgery - and I totally hate him at the moment for not having any faith or belief in me. Sometimes I think that I married the wrong man - I get all these pent up emotions, and then they explode (usually via BBM). Ah well!   Anyway, ranting over for today! I sincerely hope that everyone is well. Love and light to everyone xx
Sandfluffymama

Sandfluffymama

6
 

"its Makin' Me Dizzy! My Head Is Spinning...like A Whirlpool, It Never Ends!"

Wowzers! My lovely friend was sleeved on Sunday and she says that NOTHING is worth the pain! So, I remind myself that everyone has different pain tolerances and that pain relief in DXB is RUBBISH in comparison to the UK! Morphine and codeine based products are banned...maybe I should start smoking weed! lol. (just kidding, of course!).   Mum is here at the moment on a visit and I have decided not to tell her about the surgery...I would rather go back to the UK in a few months a different shape and after healing. She will probably crucify me for not telling her and the more I think about it, the more I want to tell her, but to be honest...well, that is why my head is spinning!!   I've been reading a few books on the subject and although I am trying to be as pro active as possible - being quite healthy in the run up to the surgery and exercising a lot, my mind does wander...I am scared. Really scared. Not of the food issues that I have - I kind of have a good hold on that but the actual removal of stomach; the pain of recovery; the fact that yes, I do believe that I am a loser for going through with this surgery; the fact that I need this surgery to help with the little will power that I have. I am so angry at myself for letting myself become the way that I am. I am so angry!!   I am kind of angry that you can get this surgery soooo easily over here! Like there is no vetting system or emotional support! I mean really?? What the hell???!!!   I am angry at society, I am angry at life and I am angry at my sodding stepfather loser Sh&*bag who bullied and bullied me to run, lose weight, work out until I HATE HATE HATED it.   Vent over! *Phew!*   Sorry about that! Please dont think that I am one of these people who thinks that the world owes them a favour. Believe you me, I know how blessed I am and I know that to get to the light, you have to go through the darkness first.   But now is the time. To take back the night! To regain control. I look upon this surgery as an addition, not a loss - an addition to life. But on the other hand, it is also a loss - I will lose the bad habits, the weight, the sadness. I look at it as a challenge and a boost.towards the path of a long and healthy life, ensh'Allah! I WILL complete my dissertation for my masters before this surgery. I WILL have this surgery and I WILL recover well. I WILL exercise regularly, I WILL run again and it wont hurt as much. I WILL go to dance lessons again. I WILL buy beautiful fitted, tasteful clothes. I WILL enjoy intimate times with my husband much more! I WILL live for myself and for him and my daughter and of course for me! I WILL!!!   I belong to a programme that is global - cant tell you which cos its a secret. But, I am so thankful for it because it has given me tools to deal with so many aspects of life. It has given me the tools that help me refrain from using something to numb pain...I am so thankful that I joined this programme before the surgery. I read about cross over addictions...   Anyway, wow, I need to shut the hell up! But I would like to say that each person on here inspires me. I am thankful for this site. All you wonderful men and women are courageous and strong. I hope that in turn I am able to listen to you, to learn from you just as you listen to me witter away!   Have a peaceful day.   Sending love, light and laughter to you all. L xx   Below is my most favourite poem. Enjoy!   DESIDERATA - MAX EHRMANN   Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.   Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.   Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.   Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.   Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.   Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.   Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.   And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.   Strive to be happy.
Sandfluffymama

Sandfluffymama

5
 

Pre Surgery Jitters, Bags Of Nerves, Bad Dreams And Oh So Very Tired!

Haven't blogged for a while - ten days til I go for surgery. I am so scared. So very scared. Roosavelt said "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself"...well I am fearful of it!   You know the thing I am most afraid of? The lack of energy and the pain. My little one has just started teething and I am sad that I wont be able to pick her up in the night and give her a cuddle.   I still havent told my mum - she thinks that it is an extreme method and to be honest I am so scared of telling her. I still feel like a failure.   My husband on the other hand is fully on board - I am usually the really strong one and to be honest, it is pissing me off that I am feeling so weak. I am so very tired too - trying to get this dissertation done; reports to write; department head stuff to do then a spring break of pain from this surgery.   Is it going to be worth it? My friends wanted to throw me a food funeral - I just dont feel up to it - I am trying desperately to look at this as a beginning, not an ending. I am forever in the positive - I deal with people's **** so much every day. And today I just feel like telling everyone to F&*k off...I think I am due for my period which does not help matters - neither does the 3 hours sleep that I am surviving on.   I keep having bad dreams that the anaesthetic wont work. I am scared of being alone. Still, I know that this surgery will be worth it in the end. I just hate having to pass through the darkness to get to the light.   You know, we have a different mentality, us addicts. Sometimes I think on the verge of insanity...or is it genius? I know that there is a fine line twixt the two!   Am I just being swept into the moment cos so many others around me have done it? Are we going to be ok? A friend of mine, who recently had the surgery said "What if they find out that we really need that part of the stomach one day?" (Eww...my Omega 3 oil has just popped in my stomach and I can taste salmon oil...lol)   What about God? Or in my case, Allah? Well, as far as I am concerned, God is God is God, no matter how you choose to connect with Him/Her/It...Do you think he is going to be pissed off with me for removing some of my body?   Arrrgghhh!! thoughts are everywhere!!!
Sandfluffymama

Sandfluffymama

4
 

Consultation In The Desert...

Greetings!   So, yesterday I consulted with Dr Abdulsalam Al Taie...he has his own clinic in Jumeirah - I was very intimidated at the thought of speaking to someone - I felt worthless and a bit of a failure, truth be told...but, I liked him. Alot. He has performed over 1300 of the sleeve surgeries and is cocky to boot, but with his experience, I guess he is allowed to be. I felt comfortable though - for some reason I mix well with cocky men - I think I find them challenging... He also performs a lot in the UK, in Manchester, which is right next to my city so that was kind of a comfort. He gave me a great price so I am hoping to go for this surgery in April...depending on whether I can get care for my little one - I wont be able to lift her for 7 - 10 days...that is my primary concern, if I am honest. So I have to constantly remind myself that in the long run, 2 weeks without lifting my angel is nothing in the great scheme of things...   After my consultation, I had coffee with my two lovely friends - one who is having the sleeve a week today and the other who is my inspiration...   My mum flies out on Thursday - to tell or not to tell. I am kind of worried about telling her to be honest. She would absolutely kill me if I didnt tell her I was going for surgery of any kind - my fear is about her talking me out of it...mentally I am in a good place about this right now.   My head wanders back to a colleague who had the sleeve over the summer holidays a year ago - I remember her being brutally ill - she had infections and to be honest, looked and felt deathly ill for a while.   I know that for the first couple of months it is going to be tough but I am scared of being ill...   Is it really bad to admit that I dont read the negative experiences? I think that people with food issues have a different psychology - an addictive mindset. I have been addicted to many things in my life - food, sex, alcohol, smoking...trying to fill the unfillable void. But with attending certain meetings (I cannot mention which - and yes, they ARE here in DXB - personal message me for details if you want them) and completely overhauling my faith, lifestyle and strength, I feel ready for this.   I am concerned that the couselling side of this surgery is not really addressed here in DXB. Which is why I am grateful for this site and being able to speak with people who have experienced the same things.   One thing I have learnt so far in this process...I am very much the typical Brit - my philosphy of "Keep calm and carry on" is very much being applied to this process!   Love and light xxx
Sandfluffymama

Sandfluffymama

3
 

Turnaround...

Greetings,   So I have decided to lay off the surgery for a while. God, I totally feel like I am putting the cat among the pigeons here...   I have been praying on this every Salat for the past month, hoping that Allah will guide me to making the right decision. And I believe He did, for the time being.   Firstly, I had a baby, only a mere 7 months ago - my breasts are still producing milk, even though I have stopped pumping which suggests to me that my hormones dont know whether to scratch their watches or wind their butts..I read that it can take a full year for your bod to get back to normal after having a baby.   Secondly, I gotta finish my dissertation this spring break - 12 000 words more to go - Oy Vey!   Thirdly, after having read oh so much literature on this surgery, I dont really feel like I have given it 'one last shot'. So I have started. I started the C25K programme which I am loving, and have lost 3kg this week. I bought a set of scales - something I NEVER EVER thought I would do because of my innate fear of them - and have used them.   Finally, after having met with my sleeved buddies (who I love TO DEATH) I have decided to give myself two conditions: a) if I become heavier than I am now then I will immediately do the surgery. if I do not become heavier but fail to lose a good amount of weight over the next year, then I will do the surgery.   My head has been totally up my butt over this and I have SO much admiration for everyone who has done this surgery. It is a BIG change. But for me, now is not the time. I haven't discounted it at all by any means - I am just giving it a go on my own first. My sleeved buddies are so supportive and so full of wisdom and light - I am so blessed to have met them.   Maybe some of you think that I am a complete wuss but I know that most of you will believe that everyone has their own journey to make.   All your messages of support and advice have been invaluable. Truly. I'll still be visiting here and blogging my thoughts occasionally.   Anyway, good luck to all of you brave hotties. You are all amazing people.   Peace, love and light to you all xxx
Sandfluffymama

Sandfluffymama

1
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