I feel I've neglected the blog activity since I returned to work. So I am at work, taking a break to blog. I can't believe a month and 5 days has gone by. It took just about as long to get to twoterville, and I was starting to panic when it did not happen as fast as I hoped. Patience is a virtue that I believe was extracted during my VSG. So, I thought I would share my key learnings.
1) Listen to my body. How my mind works and my body works are two different things. My mind (stress triggers) say eat, when my body is not hungry at all. If I listen to how I feel as I eat, I learned that I can avoid feeling any pain or discomfort from eating.
2) Slow & steady is a challenge, but it works. I have really struggled to pace myself and take my time eating. When I do, it is a good experience, when I don't I suffer the consequences.
3) Mood swings and emotional uncertainty is OK. I've woke up crying for no reason. I get overwhelmed easily. I find myself crankier that I used to be some days and happier then I ever was other days. Taking my daily vitamins has helped with the erratic moods.
4) Surrounding myself with support (via this forum) and friends has been instrumental. I find that I can share my success and my failures openly and I'm not judged.
5) Damn these incisions! They are taking for ever to heal! I have a few straglers that just won't heal. I learned that my skin is fragile and that there is alot of stuff that touches your stomach every day, the desk, the table, the kids, it's hard to keep it protected.
6) Exercising is not that easy. In fact, I've slacked. I admit it. I was good the first 2 weeks and since then I've not walked for two weeks - just got the key to the gym near my house and every time my husband asks, "did you walk today" I feel like releasing fire ants on his feet and stabbing them with ice picks. (I'd never do that, but the mere fact that he asks, pisses me off.) I find myself struggling the most with this. I even bought an X box Kinect and Zumba Fitness to play on it. Do I use it. NO. I have done one thing. I park as far from my office chair as possible - I go in the opposite side of the building cross the building take the stairs and then cross the length of the building again to get to my desk. That is the only pro-active exercise thing I've done. Tomorrow is a new day.
7) Weighing my self daily is NOT Necessary, manaing how I feel daily, IS.
Eventually, I will get it right - I'm still learning and becoming the me I see through VSG.
This month I bit off more than I can chew. I had the VSG on 2/8 - and we had to move out of our house by this past saturday. It has been a perfect storm of change and the one thing I used to rely on (food for stress), was missing. I did well, considering the circumstances. I cried when I felt like it. I figured better to get my emotions out than to stuff them down, right? If I had it to do over, I would have tried not to take on so much so soon. I helped pack as much as I could up to the date of the surgery. But after the surgery, the recovery has been slow and steady. I tire easy, I'm emotional, and add that Mother Nature decided to pay me a visit the weekend of the move and my first week back to work. My emotions were all over the place, I had cramps that seemed like they were the worse ever, especially since I could not take my Aleve. I am down to 303.2, seems like getting to twoterville is going to take me forever. I feel my clothes fitting better. This week, I will take my 3 week post op photo and post it. Maybe seeing the difference will help boost my spirits. My advise, don't take on too much too soon.
Well, I returned to work, arrived early - 7 AM, since I had insomnia last night - I figured I'd make the most of the day. After I got my walk on with the love of my life. My hubbage has been super awesome supportive. I am blessed. I keep my big GNC MIO flavored water at my side where ever I go, and I have a bottle of Isopure on my desk. I sip, sip, sip and that does the trick. I had egg-salad at my desk - started at 12, and finished at 3 - I took my sweet time eating bit by bit. I'm so afraid of feeling uncomfortable and visiting up-chuck city at work that I would rather slowly pace myself. Granted, it is HARD AS HELL. The shadow man from stress eater land is lurking over me all the time. It is so wierd to want to eat but to not be hungry. I think that is the biggest challenge for me. Recognizing and listening to my stress triggers and not immediately thinking FOOD. I find so much support, positivity and community on this site - thank you who ever reads and comments, you are lifting my spirit as I work through this life change. Every smiley face is getting a smile right back. I talked to my HR Director, she did not turn over the paperwork to my boss, kept it confidential as requested, fully supported me. (I LOVE WHEN HR DOES WHAT THEY SHOULD). I met with my boss, the good news...well she told me about my "bonus" for the performance year - we did well. However, she "negatively modified" my bonus because she felt I "struggled" this year. Let me define the struggle. An anonymous complaint to HR w/out facts, inuendo and no specific examples to substantiate the claim. I've asked time and again - but to no avail. And I got "dinged" because she did not feel I had as outstanding of a year as my peers. She smiled the whole time she said it. She's inspires me to be a better person. Even though it was a small "ding" - it is the point none the less. I've been working on my Resume - time to be successful somewhere else. Some day. I love my staff, my team, the work I do. It is challenging, fun. I've got AWESOME health bennies. So, I shut up and put up, or I move on. I don't think I could handle moving on so soon. So I will vent, and deal. And wish the flees of a thousand camels infest her pants.
So, today I go back to work. I feel ready physically. I'm anxious and somewhat emotional about it. I work for a fierce woman, who when I started there 5 years ago, she had an admin, who had WLS, and unfortunately, this woman had lots of complications. My boss fired her. Too much sick time. Thankfully, I've had nothing but success. Problem is, I did not tell her about the surgery, as she can't be trusted, is condemning, judgemental and an while I respect her work, I don't respect her. She feeds on gossip and inuendo and takes it as truth. I was very specific in my FMLA paperwork that I feared retaliation/retribution if she were to find out what my surgery was for. She's that shallow. I will follow up with my HR Director first thing - but I'm still somewhat nervous. The only person who knows at work is my assistant, and my Lead. My Lead, is the one who told me about the letter of medical necessity and how his wife was able to get the procedure with the support of her Primary and that letter. Thank God for him.
I've had insomnia for about a week. Every day up at 1, 2, 3 - in bed by 8, so exhausted. I hope that part ends. It might just be my anxiety over returning to work. Why can't I be independently healthy?
I finally told my Dad & his wife about the surgery. She had the Gastric By Pass about 10 years ago, because of her NASH and some other issues. She's done well. I'm surprised my dad was supportive, I sort of knew he would be - but in the same breath I don't think he truly understands the emotional challenges that lead to obesity. I'm glad he was supportive.
With the smooshey foods - I can tolerate just about anything - but only about 2 ounces before fear sets in - I can feel my body filling up and I am scared to puke. So I stop. I figure if I sip my Isopure all day I'll for sure meet my protien requirements. Slow and stead wins the race. So good by hooverisms, inhaling food without thought and stress eating. I know you are there with me - but I am and will continue to conquer you.
I continue to walk with my family in the morning - since we are up - we all go - and it is a nice new habit I'm forming.I hope today is stress free and I don't encounter the beast (my boss) too often.
So excited to report the post op visit was a SUCCESS. I'm on track, I am on to Phase 3, smooshey foods, one food at a time to see how I respond. YES! Man I am stoked - the liquid only phase was about to drive me batty - not that I was hungry - no, just needed some substance - other than Isopure and Whey Shakes.
My incisions look sort of nasty but are doing well. One has the Dr. concerned so hes giving me some antibiotics - "joy". I'm also going forward with the vitamin supplements. First, I have to invest in them. So by the end of the week I should have all the shopping done. A small dent in my wallet, I'm sure.
I can sort of feel my clothes fit different - but it's not really eye catching like - WOW you've lost 20 some odd pounds. Funny how 20 to a skinny biatch would make them look anorexic and 20 to a curvey and well endowed woman has no impact. No worries, my skinny biatch day will be here soon enough. Not that I want to be a biatch - I'm just looking forward to others noticing something other than my eyes, hair, nails or boobs. I'm just saying.
I'm returning to work on Monday - full steam ahead. I have a sit down job, so it should not be too bad.
Until then, success and hapiness to all.
Happy 1 week to me. Wow. It has been a long week. The first day post op - I just laid in the hospital bed, out of it, immobile, sore, tired. I thought "What in the hell have I done to myself!". The pain meds were good for about 12 hours then the "real me" stepped in and was like - what in the heck are you doing? Nausea set in. They switched me out to something else that worked much better, started with a T. On day two, I did the swallow test. They said, one big swallow. I did. Then they took pics. They said ok, one tiny sip. I did. More pics. I passed. They wheeled me out to the hall for "transport" and somehow forgot me there for about 20 minutes. An orderly was nice enough to notice and then wheeled me back to my room. Day two, no bed, only chair. So the orderly puts me in the chair, and in his attempt to be helpful, he was placing the foot rest up - but did it in a sudden jerky motion. That was all she wrote - up chuck city. Note to self - sudden moves make me puke. Oh the discomfort. All I could think or say was I don't want to do that ever again. Puke, that is. I began my Physical Therapy day 2 - several rounds around the hospital floor. The discomfort was less, but still I felt like I had been doing sit-ups for 24 hours with no rest. Day 3, drain removed, catheter removed, and I passed gas. Yes, I just typed that. I had know Idea how important farting was to gain release from the hospital. Thank God I was alone when it happened. I thought it was gas, but in reality, it was an accident. I gambled, and lost. I was humiliated - but the nursing staff was amazing and so proud of me for having gas. Weird. I was released on Day 3 before noon. Very tender, excited to go home. The shock - I weighed 319 when I went in for surgery, I got home I was 328. WHAT? How could that be? My friend who is a nurse said it was the IV they pumped me up with and that it was water weight. Man - prepare yourself for that uptick and don't panic. I decided to set my weight loss goal to 160 - a respectable weight. I remember those days. I created my tickertracker - but really don't know how to make it show up on stuff, like this blog. I downloaded a food diary ap, my nutritionist said it was a good idea to keep one up to the post op appointment so that when I go in, I can be advanced to the next stage of the diet. I have found a routine - Isopure is with me all day - sip sip away to ensure i get my protein grams in. I have Vanilla, Chocolate, Latte, Chocolate Carmel whey, and a ton of sugar free jello and popsicles. The easiest for me is the popsicles. Don't know why - but I'm having 4 or 5 a day - they help with the hydration plan. I'm able to have my 3-4 oz meals of shake or broth with unflavored whey. Day 6 - I started craving cheese. I don't know why - but I felt like cheese would be so nice to have. It will have to wait. So, today - I'm feeling about 75% or better, still a bit sore, but mild sore. My incisions itch. As of yesterday I was down to 316. I've had 2-3 emotional melt downs. Where my face just starts leaking for no reason. I also notice that there is a party going on in my abdomen. Fire works, rumbly in my tumbly, lots of noises. I am painfully aware that boredom eating and stress eating were bad habits. I have to find a way to occupy my mind and hands when I feel bored or stressed. I don't feel hunger pains. But I feel the pattern of bad behavior. So, major milestone for me - who has never had a surgery before, lived to see the other end of it. One week out, a few pounds down, new patters and behaviors forming, and I'm feeling better each day. Friday is my post op visit with Dr. Rosenthal and my nutritionist. I'm ready for Friday to be here so I can celebrate another milestone. :biggrin2:
First, I should note I'm new to blogging, and new to this forum, so I will learn as I go. My hope is that I can verbalize my journey to the me I see through this forum and that it will be a way of support, healing, recovery, motivation, collaboration and reflection.
About me: Married, 2 kids, highest weight 334, surgery date weight 319. VSG performed at the Cleveland Clinic, Weston, Dr. Rosenthal & Dr. Sloan on 2/8/12.
For such a personal journey and private health issue - finding this forum has been a God send. I told no one at work, I told none of my family. I only shared the details with the people in my life that would be unconditionally supportive of this life changing decision. My husband and children, and my best friends Gina & Kathy. One person at work sort of knew - but I hope is going to respect my privacy. I even specified on my FMLA paperwork that only my HR Manager would be able to know. So, I pause. Why so much shame and protective privacy around making a life changing decision to improve my health? Because people are judgemental - they don't know what it is like to be in the skin that I'm in and they form opinions and have the nerve to voice them. They can be hurtful, demeaning, shallow. I came across this forum and observed acceptance, understanding, compassion. I lurked. Then I lept.
I have not been obese my whole life. Was taunted and teased as a child for being too tall and skinny - lean green string bean. Go figure? My mother, a vain critical woman, forced me into weight watchers as a junior in high school at 137 - thought I was too fat at a size 11. All my friends were 5, 7, 9, clearly I had an issue. So the seed was planted, and so I fed it. I was a healthy athletic young woman till about 21, and the freshman fifteen joined the party, and slowly my weight progressed. As the weight crept in, so did the bigotry, judgment and discrimination. My first experience was at 186, entering a bridal salon and being sized up visually by the counter person and her saying, "We can't help you miss...our dresses just don't go that big.". I was a size 18. My mother in law ended up making my dress. So rather than bore you with the details of my past - I will give you the abridged version. I got married. I had a baby. My husband came out of the closet. No, I did not know. I went into the pantry. I got on the band wagon of "embracing my curves" which, to some degree was a cop out for me, but easier than dealing with the emotional monkey on my back that fed my fat cells. I got divorced. There was a 7 year drought. I met Mark. We married. We had a baby. We are living the happily ever after.
I decided in 2011 to put my health first. I explored fixing my pelvic floor disorder - I had been living with since my first born, but when I went to the Dr. in the 90's for it - he made fun of my - "I'm surprised you are not wet all the time, you have so much fat on your stomach." - I was under 200 at the time. But it drove me back to my safe place - the pantry. People can be so rude. Anyway, so in December, I was on hold at the Cleveland Clinic and heard about the Pelvic Floor Disorder Center of Excellence. Long story short, that inquiry led to a consult that said, if we do WLS first, your pelvic floor surgery will be more successful - or perhaps not even be necessary.
To my primary care I went, I requested a letter of medical necessity, got it. To my surprise, my insurance paperwork was turned in on a Friday, I was approved on the following Monday, and I was scheduled for surgery on 2/8. Holy frijoles - this was now a reality! The jump is so far from where I am today, to what I want to become, I close my eyes and leap.
Surgery was done on 2/8 - I am now 6 days out and each day gets a little better. Less gas, less pain/discomfort, fewer tears, more hope.
