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Approved And Surgery Date Of September 4Th - Reality

That was me, when...     8.15.12 It has been 4 months since I posted my first blog entry. I am happy to write that this week - Monday, August 13, 2012 - I was officially approved for surgery by Cigna. My surgery date is scheduled for September 9th. I am very excited and know the next 20 days will fly by! I've waited so long for this that it almost doesn't feel real. I guess as I have my pre-op visit and do the pre-op diet it will seem more real. When the coordinator called me I was ecstatic. I can still hear her voice telling me I was approved! The insurance process was so long and drawn out for me it was a dream come true to be approved.   Right now I am struggling with a weird guilt. I can't articulate exactly how I feel but *guilt* is the best word I can come up with. I think part of it is that I am a low BMI'er and not as deserving ? Maybe, I can't tell for sure. I can say that I've always had issues with being overweight. I yo-yo and have gotten slim and then put all the weight back on quickly. I worry that I am putting myself in harms way and at risk because I have no self control or will power and almost like I don't deserve the surgery. Its odd, hard to explain.   Add that to my excitement and you have my current frame of mind. I worry about being a good example for my daughters and wonder if this is setting a bad example for them. Hey, if you can't control yourself then just have surgery like me. Ugh...   I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and that is a real struggle for me and the main cause of the weight gain over the past 3 years. I know if I get my weight under control the joints and body would feel so much better. I know I need to do this and I should do it but I almost feel like I need to make myself suffer for being heavy. I have this stigma that this is what I deserve for not being good enough like *regular* people that can control their weight. You know this fat girl guilt.   Well, just wanted to get an entry out that reflected how I was feeling right at this moment. I can't wait to look back at this entry a few weeks from now and smile because everything has worked itself out and I am post op and feeling good.
Odee

Odee

3
 

Keeping Surgery A Secret Or Sharing The Experience

I'm still unsure if I will keep the surgery a secret - just my husband, daughters and 1 close friend know now, or if I will share the experience with others.   For some reason I am struggling with sharing the news. I think I am afraid of how people will judge me and what they will say/think about me. That makes me wonder what I think about it myself - am I embarrassed or ashamed ?   On the other side, I think it would be really cool and therapeutic to share the experience with some and be able to blog about it. I want to share this journey but I think I am ashamed of what I let happen to me. That I let myself get so out of control and overweight.   I think I have a lot of things I need to figure out and work on before I make a decision that I can't change once its done.
Odee

Odee

12
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