So off I toddled today to get my EKG (my last test!) done. I had to wait 1.5 hours for a 5 minute test. I'm a rather energetic lady and so when I be-bopped into the cardiac waiting room I got the "what the hell are YOU doing here" stares from about 85% of the waiting room. For some reason I thought the EKG would involve diode glue and having to chill out for at least an hour. Nope. It was peel and stick stickers and barely getting comfortable when I was told that I was done. Weird.
My support group meeting is 3/8 (only 10 days!) and then they can schedule me for surgery! Whoop whoop!
Okay, venting shall now occur and I consider this fair warning!
So I realize that I should be grateful that (for the most part) my friends, coworkers, and family are behind my 100% on this surgery. It definitely takes down the stress level and for those who look down on me for it I have no problem walking away. I've been going through the hoops and am almost done with all my classes/tests. In fact, all I have is the EKG (Monday!) and the support group meeting (3/8!) and I'm done pending final clearance by the insurance company. So why am I all "bitchy Lyra" right now? For the last few weeks all any of my friends want to talk about is the surgery. Again, I tell myself that I am happy that they're so curious and supportive...but it feels that anytime we get together somebody brings it up and they continually ask me if I'm scared/nervous/excited. They can't seem to believe me that no, I'm not scared. They ask me if I'm going to miss eating, etc. I dont really want to talk about how I'm worried that I might have emotional upheavel for awhile afterwards as I go from food being my emotional blankie to just something that I eat to survive. I feel so mean spirited and hypocritical, but I'm getting really frustrated with them. I am more than just a weight loss surgery. Talk to me about horrible monster/zombie movies, my art classes, work, my hobbies, my bucket list, my desire to play the violin...anything other than my surgery. I have this nagging fear that after it they're going to want daily updates on my weight loss. I know that it's up to me to have boundaries but this is just maddening. I love these people dearly and don't want to snap at them but I'm so irritated right now. Perhaps there is such a thing as being too supportive? God, what an oxymoron. Anybody else have this happen to them?
Okay, rant over. On the flip side I had my chest xray done yesterday and had a funny conversation with the technician.
Tech: So this is pre-op for gastric bypass?
Me: No, it's for the vertical sleeve gastrectomy of the stomach.
Tech: So its for the bypass.
Me: No, there is no bypassing. It's a VSG.
Tech: So its a lapband.
Me: ....no.
Personally I think it's more disturbing for them to totally bypass your stomach or to have a plastic thingy in your side where a surgeon can influence a choke-collar on your stomach. This woman was horrified at the idea of someone cutting part of your stomach out, which to me was the saner choice. Po-tay-toe, po-tah-to.
I went to my Wellness and NUT class yesterday and I have to say that I was shocked. Once again I go to these mandatory classes and I sit there and think, "Does anybody actually know how to google?" Hell, the moment that the idea of VSG tickled my brain I immediately powered up my trusty laptop for some quality web time. Thats how I found all you lovely men and women on this site! Yet here I was, months later sitting in my W&NUT class and listening to this one gentleman say, "You mean I have to give up my McDonald's Deluxe Breakfasts?". And he wasn't being sarcastic, he was actually dismayed. *sigh*
On another note, I also passed my Psych(o) exam yesterday! $345 for 50 minutes that involved a conversation and a test to determine my mental wellbeing. Obviously I went into the wrong line of business as this sure beats my hourly wage!
I'm having friends over for dinner on Saturday and my bff told me that her husband isn't really getting why I'm having this surgery. Basically he's worried about me having surgery, as all surgery is dangerous. Also, he thinks that you can lose weight just by trying harder and using will power. Luckily my bff said that she thinks thats bs. I dont think that if you've been thin your entire life that you can understand how hard it is to lose weight and keep it off. So dinner should be interesting. Basically my mantra is, "You can be supportive without actually agreeing" and "Bring on the questions as long as the conversations are respectful". I'm not worried about it as its my choice, my family is behind me, and the effects speak for themselves. Also I know his questions come out of concern for me, and that it's not coming from a mean or judgemental place. Sometimes I forget that those who have never had surgery or health problems view surgery so suspiciously. I'm only 29 but I've had my appendix and tonsils removed, pins put into my foot, two surgeries on my legs to fix a brown recluse bite gone bad, wisdom teeth removed, and breast reduction surgery. Surgery itself does not scare me...and I think you get to a point in your life that you are willing to risk everything in order to gain a healthier and better life.
One more class to go on March 7 and then everything can be submitted to the insurance. Woohoo!
"If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance." ~ Unknown
Hello, my name is Lyra, and I'm an emotional eater. Strange, isn't it, that as soon as stress and emotions run high food becomes my bff. Salty, sweet, and spicy...all if it is amazing. I love food, and I love creating food as well. Hell, I even went to culinary school. There is something amazingly satisfying about combining ingredients and watching as a meal takes shape. To truly create something that appeals to all the senses, seduces the palate, and exposes the soul to foods from around the world. To be fair, a good portion of my delight in cooking is feeding others, but I would by lying if I said that the siren song of food does not call to me. As soon as stress mounts I find myself whipping up Indian, Morrocan, Asian or Italian food. The problem isn't my delight in cooking, my problem is using food as a crutch when I get stressed. My problem is the fact that I have major issues with portion control. It's frustrating that I'm strong willed in other aspects of my life but not in this. It's frustrating that so much of our culture seems to revolve around talking about, cooking, and eating food. I'm ready for this surgery, and resolved to give up this unhealthy relationship with food. I'm scared/nervous too but I have to do this. I want a healthier life, and a life where I can try new things and travel and actually LIVE. I have to reprogram my brain, and have surgery in order to have such a life. What shocks and amuses me is that some people think that THIS is the easy way out. Easy...right. *rolls eyes* This is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I haven't even had surgery yet!
So my question is, how did (or do) all of ya'll deal with emotional/stress eating and snacking?
So I had my first class today and it was full of a lot of important information, but I was shocked on how many people had obviously never read the book the doctors gave out or even did a standard google search. Granted, I'm kind of obsessive when I'm researching something...but this is a surgery that will change your life on so many fundamental levels. This isn't some magical wand that will go POOF and the weight will just fall off onto the floor, while you walk off into the sunset whistlin' dixie in your new size 6 pants. Example of questions:
1. "You mean we can't eat sugar, like cookies?"
2. "What do you mean there are small portion sizes?"
3. "But I love eating the The Texas Roadhouse 23oz Prime Rib!"
.....right, and those little telling questions are WHY we are all sitting in a weight loss surgery informational class.
I was just so surprised that seemingly intelligent adults wouldn't fully research something before allowing a doctor to cut out parts of their body. No wonder the Powers That Be make you go through all these classes before getting it done!
Also, a funny story. So my doctor also did the surgery on my dad. Last night dad told me that when he was in the operating room, but before they put him under, Dr. W came in and asked the nurses if it was okay to put a small computer on the edge of the bed. He looked at my dad and said, "It's so I can watch how to do the surgery on Youtube!" *grin*
One class down, four more to go, and onward I march!
Time seems to be just meandering along, and in some cases, I think the clock is being moved backwards. I just started on this journey a few months ago and I have my first required class on Wednesday, then psych and nutrition on 2/15, then a support group 3/8, followed by my pre-op class. The most probable month of surgery is in April and I'm already stressed out trying to figure out HOW I'm going to schedule this around work. I'm a cake decorator so I can't be out of work on Easter, and the only other decorator is going on vacation 4/21. So unless the surgeon can do the operation around 4/9 then I might have to wait until MAY to be able to take the 2 weeks he wants off of work. Yes, I know I'm whining and that I should be happy I'm making forward momentum in this and that it's not like I'm not BUSY otherwise....but I'm just frustrated. I also know that I'm putting the cart before the horse and that everything will work out...but I'm just frustrated! It's funny in that I'm pouting about this and feeling so frustrated that I'm almost laughing at MYSELF in how ridiculous I am being. *sigh*
As I said before I have a rather long "To Do" list before I have the surgery. Goals that I want to meet before it happens: I'm going to do a 5K Mud Run/Walk with my bff before I have VSG, yoga training, weight lifting, wedding cakes, plan a wedding shower (not mine), etc so it's not like I'm bored. Perhaps I should use this opportunity to work on my patience...read a few books...work on my patience...
Did anybody else have Hurry-the-hell-up-gitis that I'm experiencing? What was your way of dealing with it?
So for the past few months I've been making pretty good food choices as I figured that since I was going forward with this surgery I should start changing my eating habits sooner rather than later. I do protein shakes (I actually rather like them!), and a veggie/fruit/nut/dairy smoothie thats delicious and healthy. My body feels like it's running better and I have more energy since I've started actually acknowledging a need for a more healthy and varied diet.
As I said above, I've been pretty good the last few months, but today I decided, "What the hell" and answered my craving for a Burger King Whopper Junior and fries. Plus soda, which I almost never drink. I figured having one fast food meal every now and then is no biggie, right? WRONG! My insides feel like they want to be outside and I dont think my gallbladder will ever forgive me. Uck. I also feel just plain ol' yuckie.
So with my intestinal discomfort, why am I kinda happy, you ask? Because whilst I was consuming calorie and fat ladden foods I realized that it just didn't taste as good as it used to. It tasted...well...fatty and super processed. Fake. One shaky step up from fillet a la cardboard. Frankly it disgusted me and I have absolutely NO desire to eat that crap again. Healthy, tasty, natural foods are addictive and your taste buds do change over time. My revelation was kinda surprising and very welcome!
Not bad for a pre-sleever, huh?
This isn't specifically VSG related, but in honor of deciding to do this life changing procedure I cut my hair. I've had long (down to the bottom of my shoulder blades) hair for years and I told the stylist to cut it off. Yeah, I told her to Cut. My. Hair. Off. I didn't think I would panic, but when she started snipping it off my heart started to pound like crazy! The women out there totally know where I'm coming from on this! Everyone always said how pretty my hair was, and I think I grew it long because subconsciously I thought it would take the focus away from my weight. It's kinda weird how crazy our minds can get. So now my hair is a little bit longer than my chin and curly as all get out! When it was long the weight just made it very wavy, but now I have shirley temple-style curls. Who would have thought? Another upside is that the cut also makes me look a little older. Granted, it is nice to be told that I look like I'm in college (I turn 30 this year), but after awhile it gets irritating having to constantly prove how old I am.
Even though I'm still in shock that I did this, I also feel strangely free.
Did anybody else do soemthing life affirming, celebratory, or crazy before your surgery?
~Lyra
So today was my first doctor's appointment with Dr. W and he was fantastic! I felt very comfortable and he answered all of my questions without making me feel like I was just another faceless paycheck. His staff are also a bunch of supremely competent and amazing nurses who went to the extra mile to help me schedule some other appointments. Overall, it was amazing and I wouldn't be so stressed except for one thing...my insurance does not cover gastric surgery. At all. Zip, zilch, nada. So unless the doctors and hospitals go back to accepting chickens as a payment method myself and my family (who rock!) are going to have to come up with the money before I 'go under the knife'. That part definitely creates a ball of stress in my stomach, along with an unhealthy amount of guilt. The fact that my folks are willing to scrimp and save along with me for this makes me feel so unworthy. My mom almost brought me to tears saying that this was important for her, because it is important to me and that she would do what she could to help me pay for this. She keeps reminding me that 'where there is a will there is a way' but golly, I sure do wish that the way was a lot easier!
Adios, ya'll and if anybody knows how much a kidney goes for on the black market, let me know! (joke)
~Lyra
So my first VSG blog entry, how exciting! A chronicle of the minutiae of a pre-sleevers journey towards a new life...and oh how I want that new life. To excuse a bad pun, I want it so much that I can practically taste it. I figured even if I'm only talking to myself and sending these blogs out into the ether, then at least I can get how I feel on this journey down on paper. It may be interesting to look at a year from now and actually know what I felt and how I changed without the rose tinted glasses that time often gives our recollections. Or perhaps at the end of this journey, when I've met all my goals I will ceremoniously hit 'Delete'. *grin*.
Right now I'm a 29 years old woman, 5'5" ant 270 lbs, no kids, no SO, but with a ton of friends and a close family who are being (for the most part) very supportive. I do have a rather crazy cat, but I personally think she would be horrified at a reduction in cushy lap space. My deepest desires are to run marathons, complete Tough Mudders, join canine Search and Rescue, become a published writer, and to get married and have kids. I don't know about the other ladies out there, but I'm damned sick and tired of being "the girl with the hilarious personality" with the unspoken "too bad she's fat" tacked on the end. There is more to me than my weight and I finally reached the breaking point where I could give up and accept that my dreams would forever only be dreams...or I could take the bull by the horns, pull up my big-girl panties and figure out how to become a woman that can forge her own path. To that end I left a job that made me miserable, moved to a different state and now have a job and friends that make me smile and actually dance at work. As my dad found his courage to go through a surgery he was terrified of, I in turn found mine to take the next step.
To that end, my first bariatric doctor's appointment is Tuesday and I can't wait. I've been working hard at proper nutrition, weight lifting, yoga, and running to get my body in the best shape possible to tolerate surgery and to kick tail once I'm through it. I'm reading books to figure out why I eat what I do and how emotions dictate my eating. I'm calling it the three-pronged attack so that I am ready emotionally, mentally, and physically for what is to come.
Life is good, and with better health it can only get better!
Feeling Five by Five!
~Lyra
"Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels. "
~Faith Whittlesey
