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About this blog

Pirates, Ninjas and Sleeves, The Quirky Rollercoaster Ride of Life

Entries in this blog

 

Bad Hormones! Be Good!

I apologize to everybody who has messaged me asking where I was. Frankly, it's felt like the last week has flown by, what with going back to work and everything. My managers have really pulled through for me and decided that I needed to be on half days for last week and this week as I was struggling to make it through the day. If my job was less physical I would have been able to stick it out, but I just couldn't deal with an 8 hour shift yet. I'm hoping that by Friday I'll be back to normal hours, although I've never been so glad that I accumulated so much PTO! Things have been going okay. I still have trouble with getting my gallbladder med, vitamin, and my protein in but each day is a little easier.   I have felt very cut off, though, and I realize that it's somewhat self-inflicted. I'm so exhausted from work that I go home, sleep for about 4 hours, then get up and work with my weights or go for a walk. Which exhausts me and then I go to sleep. I've always been someone who is always doing things and its hard for me to take the time and relax. I'm hoping I can schedule some fun stuff for this coming week, though! Today I'm going to go to the new wing at the science museum and then to the art museum and I'm really excited about it!   Okay, on to the 'blushy stuff'. I read that people can get really horny as their hormones get released from the fat cells...but damn. I swear I'm about to jump on the first available man I see and do a "wham, bam, thank you sir" in public! I'm going to end up on Channel 10 local news if this doesn't come under control! I feel like I'm once again a hormone-bombed-15-year-old. Seriously not cool. Okay, so it is cool...but it would be so much better if I had a boyfriend right now. Although he probably would have to call in sick to work from massive dehydration and pulled muscles....*grin*
Lyra

Lyra

3
 

I Hear Tell There's Gonna Be A New Sheriff In Town!

HA! I have vanquished my evil foe, Ye Olde Insurance Company and it quivers under the might of my Sword of Righteousness! We have parleyed and it has given over approval for my surgery! Huzzah, I tell you! Huzzah and Woot!   That's right, boys and girls, Lyra is going under the knife on April 25! Ladies and Gents, there will be a new Sheriff in town! My stomach, who will soon be called "The Sheriff" is gonna be a spur-and-chaps wearin', six shooter tottin', topped with a ten-gallon cowboy hat fighter of fat! Together we shall eradicate my engorged lipid cells to the far reaches of the planet, never to be seen or heard from again!   And now, I am off to watch some Monty Python: The Search for the Holy Grail! Or perhaps a giant, mutant alligator going crazy and attacking townspeople movie!   Thank you to all and to all a kick-ass night!
Lyra

Lyra

3
 

Ignorance Is Not Bliss

So I had my first class today and it was full of a lot of important information, but I was shocked on how many people had obviously never read the book the doctors gave out or even did a standard google search. Granted, I'm kind of obsessive when I'm researching something...but this is a surgery that will change your life on so many fundamental levels. This isn't some magical wand that will go POOF and the weight will just fall off onto the floor, while you walk off into the sunset whistlin' dixie in your new size 6 pants. Example of questions:   1. "You mean we can't eat sugar, like cookies?" 2. "What do you mean there are small portion sizes?" 3. "But I love eating the The Texas Roadhouse 23oz Prime Rib!"   .....right, and those little telling questions are WHY we are all sitting in a weight loss surgery informational class.   I was just so surprised that seemingly intelligent adults wouldn't fully research something before allowing a doctor to cut out parts of their body. No wonder the Powers That Be make you go through all these classes before getting it done!   Also, a funny story. So my doctor also did the surgery on my dad. Last night dad told me that when he was in the operating room, but before they put him under, Dr. W came in and asked the nurses if it was okay to put a small computer on the edge of the bed. He looked at my dad and said, "It's so I can watch how to do the surgery on Youtube!" *grin*   One class down, four more to go, and onward I march!
Lyra

Lyra

5
 

Have You Done Your 5 Min. Of Cardiovascular Swashbuckling Today?

Things I plan to do after surgery:   1) Jet skiing in an actual bathing suit 2) Go to an amusement park and not fear being too fat for the rides 3) SHOPPING 4) Buy knee high boots (the ones without the 'expansion panel') 5) Restart taking martial arts and ballroom dancing. I miss them! 6) Get the tattoo I've been wanting for my 30th birthday- but have it also mean victory over being fat 7) White Water rafting and ziplining 8) Go on dates, Meet men. Have a real relationship. Have Sex. All. Night. Long. 9) Not be scared to flirt with someone because 'how could they be interested in someone like me' 10) Take a glass blowing class. Standing next to the furnace sucks when you come equipped with your own plushy, non-removable insulation!   11)...well, 11 is the hardest one. I've realized while going through this process some uncomfortable home truths about myself. That my attitude has kept me from really connecting with people who haven't known me for years. It was hard telling my friends why I wanted to do this. To open myself up to them in that way. It made me realize that I've used humor to keep my distance from people. To distract them from my weight and my insecurities. Don't get me wrong, I love making people laugh. I like the fact that I can make someone smile and perhaps brighten their day. I've been called quirky, funny, witty, and individual. I'm the one making the crazy puns, singing even though my voice is horrible, dancing just because I can and laughing at the world around me. I adore life and all its myriad craziness. I love causing people to rise above the humdrum of everyday life and to smile when I ask, "Have they done their five minutes of cardiovascular swashbuckling today?" or "What is their philosophical standpoint on foam in their latte?" Why be sad when you can smile? Except somehow the philosophy changed and morphed into something less wholesome. It became my defense and barrier because who looks deeper into someone who is laughing and smiling? Who notices the fat when someone is funny? One of my oldest friends put it best when he said, "You've always laughed, smiled, and dared the world...but there was always this undercurrent of sadness that you rarely let anybody touch."   There was this feeling of sadness that I buried so deep inside of myself that I rarely acknowledged it. I wasn't (and am not) depressed or miserable, but sometimes I would feel wistful. Is this how my life would be, slowly slipping by? I had friends, but many of the things I wanted to do were denied to me. Where was the life of love, family, and adventure that I felt sure would be mine when I was in high school or even college? Would I have to let pieces of myself die as I slowly became resigned that this is all there was? Would I let my fear of failure rule over my entire life? One of my biggest fears was always that I would become one of those people whose spark has been beaten down by life. I do not want to become one of the faceless ones who have given up all hope. Life is so beautiful, and I dreaded becoming bitter because I felt trapped.   Yet it is hard to open yourself up to the world. Even with our friends, because they have the power to hurt us the most. Our culture eats the weak and it is rare when personal pain is able to touch the hearts of others and bring help instead of humiliation; Understanding and hope, instead of sneering and cruelty. Even with my closest friends sometimes it's easier to make a quip instead of talking about emotions. I also think I learned early that if society would not value me for my looks (and would often be actively cruel about them) then I would be valued for my personality and my mind. That I would not be ignored as insignificant and shoved into a corner. That my brain was not somehow worthless because my body was not a size 6. I would not be ignored! And I'm not. I would not change my quirkiness, but I would like to be someone who can be more open to other people. I would like to know the woman who can be both funny and thoughtful. I would like to know what it feels like to not feel confined by a prison made of flesh. To not feel like I have to smile, smile smile. To actually believe, to the very depths of myself, that I am beautiful and worthy of a life of love and adventure. To be physically able to live that life. To actually know that life is not over, that it's just begun, and that there is an entire world waiting for me.   The hope for a better future is a powerful thing. It's gonna be hard, but that's okay. I have a lot of work to do on the inside as well. I am thankful ever day that I heard of this surgery, that I qualify, and that I'm schedule to have it April 25.   ~Lyra   ps- Dear Site Designers: Once again I had to rewrite my entire post (I am seriously pissed at myself about that) because I clicked Add Entry (I tend to write the title of the post last and the button is right there) and my entire post was deleted. Hitting backpage did nada to retrieve my entry and I think my scream hit the stratosphere. Is there any way that ya'll can add in a line of code that allows you to retrieve your unpublished post (instead of just deleting it) if Add Entry is accidentally hit?   Thanks!
Lyra

Lyra

0
 

Escaped Marbles And The Vapors

I consider myself an intelligent woman, but sometimes I really wonder where my marbles are! So I decided that I was going to be 'Proactive Girl' and start weaning myself off of solid food now instead of going cold turkey on Tuesday. Of course, I was more of the philosophy of "I got this" and jumped in with both feet. That scream you heard yesterday at about 3pm? That was my metaphorical chicken broth parachute getting a hole in it and metaphorically dropping me on my a$$.   So yesterday starts and I'm feeling all virtuous that I replaced both breakfast and lunch with one of my approved food groups. I can have things like broth, carnation instant breakfast, sugar/fat free pudding, under 5g sugar/fat free yogurt, cream of whatever soups etc. I just can't go over 20g of protein so that my liver shrinks away to nada. Of course I had run out of time the day before to get anything from the above list, which would make you think that I would just put it off for a day. Me, do something like that? Surely you jest! Luckily I had chicken broth that I had doctored with some cream of whatever and strained. So I had that for breakfast and lunch. Now I work in a busy store where I'm on my feet all day, work next to a hot convection oven which turns 'The Batcave' into 'The Alcove Of Despair From Over 100 Degree Temp', constantly moving, carrying 50 lb bags of whatnot and I've pedometered myself at walking about 3.5 miles at work in the course of an easy day. Can anybody guess what happened? Yep, all of a sudden the world got nice and bright and kinda floaty. No, I didn't faint or have the vapors (southern women don't faint, we engage in mortal combat with the floor) but I did get so birdbrained that when I got done putting gas in my car I forgot to put the lid and hatch back on the gas tank. Or I would forget what I was going to the back of the store for. So after talking to my dad, who had this surgery 2 months ago he kinda clued me that it was not one of my better ideas. Also, more water is needed when your body doesn't have enough fuel.   So today starts Day 2 of Easing Into The Liquid Diet. I went to the grocery store yesterday and got provisions so that I don't do my best Gone With The Wind impression at work. It's my long shift today so here's to hoping!   I hope everybody is having a phenomenal day and that your weekend is bright and shiny!
Lyra

Lyra

4
 

Not Yet Superlyra, But One Step Closer...

So it's been a few days and a lot has happened in that time. I ended up having to go back to the hospital for them to check me out but luckily everything was easily fixed. Apparently when I threw up the first time it can cause your sleeve to constrict and get pissy, which can cause a cascade failure of epic upchucking. Which pulled and semi-tore some of my internal and external stitches. And because I couldn't keep anything down the ketones from the fat breakdown build up in your body and kidneys. Which don't have the liquid to properly flush them. Which means you get a lovely kidney/UTI infection. Which makes you feel worse. Yeah, do ya'll see where I'm going with this?   So they ended up giving me 2 bags of fluid, 1 plain saline and the other a 'banana bag' that is full of vitamins and stuff. Then they prescribed me 3 different "Stomach Be Good" medicines that I have to take for the next month. Seriously, though, I about cried when I could eat and drink without having burning/stabbing pain. Unfortunately the suture pain I'm just going to have to deal with but at least I can eat and drink!   So this little adventure set my physical recovery back, and I still have to go into work Thursday. My boss rocks, though, and I'm going to be honest that if it wasn't Mother's Day coming up the doctors recommended I take another week off. I think she'll let me work some half days so that's good.   Anyway, overall things are better and I'm back on track. Rock on and I hope ya'll are doing well too!
Lyra

Lyra

2
 

Never Take Juice From Strangers

Wow, I've had a doozie of a week, ya'll! So, granted the 'stranger' was my boss, but I'm never taking juice unless there is an ingredient label with it.   Picture this: The plucky (and devastatingly beautiful) protagonist Lyra goes in to work to do battle against the Hoard Of Rampaging Customers Needing Cake Right. This. Minute when her boss offers her some pineapple juice. Plucky and Sassy Lyra loves pineapple juice so drinks a good 8 oz of it. Everything seems to be going well until her stomach starts cramping up and hives start breaking out in her mouth and on her skin. (Okay, enough of the third person). I went to find the juice container and discovered that there was apple juice listed as an ingredient. Did I mention that I'm highly allergic to apples? Luckily I always carry emergency allergy meds with me but it still about kicked my tail!   The moral of the story: Never take juice from strangers. Or people you know. Although I did joke with my boss that if she was trying to kill me so she could hire a younger, prettier cake decorator that I was on to her and that it wasn't going to work!   Maybe I should hire some hot, European bodyguards while at work...I could declare it as a business expense on my taxes....*wicked smile*
Lyra

Lyra

4
 

Huh, Weird...but Strangely Cool...

Before I got the sleeve I had a ever so slight (more like OMG I can't help myself more more more!) addiction to anything peanut butter flavored. My favorite cookie? Peanut Butter chocolate chip. And yeah, there couldn't be just one. I loved peanut butter.   Fast forward 2 weeks and I'm struggling to get down protein drinks. My sleeve, The Sheriff, is very stern and very strict. He loathes lactose and anything sweet which means I've barely been able to stomach anything thats not watered down crystal light. My dad, however, decided to change up the protein mix for me and used soy milk and some reduced fat peanut butter. Which scared the crap out of me because what if I suddenly found myself launching through the space/time continuum in search of my favorite peanut butter choc chip cookie?   So, hesitantly I took a sip...then another sip...and guess what?!? Yeah, I could eat it because peanut butter no longer tastes sweet to me. It's okay, and kinda chalky, but it's nothing that I would write home about! I would rather eat something crisp and fresh tasting instead! Isn't this awesome! I'm totally uninterested in tracking down the nearest PB confection like a blood hound! YIPPPEEEE!   I LOVE The Sheriff!
Lyra

Lyra

3
 

Cannibalism And Spandex

Ahhh, exercise! Those wacky movements that cause our muscles to ache and for a voice deep down to scream "Take that!" to the world at large who says that big people are just lazy. So I work in what is (not) affectionately known as "The Batcave" or "The Fortress of Solitude". Basically it's a very, very small windowless room next to a giant convection oven that is sweltering even in the depths of winter. So while I am far, far away from being nature girl (I hate bugs, being dirty, trees, and those bushes that always cling to your legs and are currently spludging pollen like it's an Olympic sport) a friend and I decided to picnic and hike at Umstead State Park. So off we hike (amble) on a nice 2 mile trail. Yet a good gossip later we found ourselves having taken a switchback and somehow jumped trails to the 7 MILE LONG ONE! Now this Plumptious Lady is good for about 3-4 mile up and down trail hiking but not for any more than that! So we continued walking and stumbled across this dude jogging. We asked him but he had no clue how to help us, which was okay because he was shirtless and hot and I enjoyed the eye candy. We then wandered across this couple who were dressed as "serious hikers" and while she tried to help us he was a total jerk and kept on walking. Also, I would like to take this time for an aside comment, "Hey, fella, karma's a b**ch and I hope you enjoyed your hike while knowing that two bodacious babes were more lost than Hansel and Gretel. May a good Samaritan be scarce when you need one".   All we wanted to know was where an intersecting trail was to take us the fastest route back to the cars so my friend could get to work on time. So, basically when I decided that it was going to have to be cannibalism and my friend would have to take one for the team we found a superhero dressed in black workout spandex! (She also goes by 'Carmen' in her day-to-day life) This wonderful lady walked us to her car and gave us a lift back to our cars. Thanks, Superhero Carmen! My friend will never know how close she came to being lunch meat...   Well, now I'm back home with my legs wrapped and elevated (stupid surgery scars) and my feet singin' the blues. Yet deep, deep inside is this skinny person standing on top of a rock (like in that credit card commercial) with her hands up Richard Nixon-style screaming, "Ha! I did it, I kicked hiking left butt cheek! Mwahaha! The world is my oyster and all I need is a lemon slice!" I couldn't have done this multi-mile hike a few months ago and it's nice to see that the jogging and weight lifting has paid off even pre-surgery!   I think, however, that next time I want to experience some of the 'great outdoors' I'll just go walk around one of those open air malls. They have restaurants as I really don't think that my friends would taste good without either tabasco or A1. And who carries condiments on a day-hike....? *grin*     (I had to re-type this from memory. Apparently the "Add Entry" button doesn't add the entry to your blog, but deletes what you have written and opens a new blank entry page. Awesome. Not.)
Lyra

Lyra

3
 

Impatience X A Zillion= Stir Crazy

Time seems to be just meandering along, and in some cases, I think the clock is being moved backwards. I just started on this journey a few months ago and I have my first required class on Wednesday, then psych and nutrition on 2/15, then a support group 3/8, followed by my pre-op class. The most probable month of surgery is in April and I'm already stressed out trying to figure out HOW I'm going to schedule this around work. I'm a cake decorator so I can't be out of work on Easter, and the only other decorator is going on vacation 4/21. So unless the surgeon can do the operation around 4/9 then I might have to wait until MAY to be able to take the 2 weeks he wants off of work. Yes, I know I'm whining and that I should be happy I'm making forward momentum in this and that it's not like I'm not BUSY otherwise....but I'm just frustrated. I also know that I'm putting the cart before the horse and that everything will work out...but I'm just frustrated! It's funny in that I'm pouting about this and feeling so frustrated that I'm almost laughing at MYSELF in how ridiculous I am being. *sigh*   As I said before I have a rather long "To Do" list before I have the surgery. Goals that I want to meet before it happens: I'm going to do a 5K Mud Run/Walk with my bff before I have VSG, yoga training, weight lifting, wedding cakes, plan a wedding shower (not mine), etc so it's not like I'm bored. Perhaps I should use this opportunity to work on my patience...read a few books...work on my patience...   Did anybody else have Hurry-the-hell-up-gitis that I'm experiencing? What was your way of dealing with it?
Lyra

Lyra

3
 

Monkeys Don't Throw Cake

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. ~Zhuangzi     I've always had crazy dreams full of intricate plot, color, surround sound, and sci-fi material but last night was a doozie. Let me explain, I almost always know when I'm dreaming. You see, when I was a little kid I had really, really, really intense dreams (I still do but as an adult they don't bother me) and one day I decided that I was a 'big girl' and didn't need to cry for my mom or dad. So after I would wake up from such techno-color dreams I would mentally envision myself on a white horse (yeah, I was horse crazy) galloping through a meadow with kitties and puppies and whatnot (so trite!). I would slow my breathing and forcibly calm myself down (breathing helps everything, I swear!). I only learned as an adult when I was being taught meditation that I had been doing a version of that all those years. Kinda neat, huh? Anyway, I remember my dreams almost daily so it became an automatic defense until one day I was in the dream and realized that I was dreaming and was able to calm myself down while still asleep. That means that even 'scary' dreams are pretty hilarious when you know that they're not true. Typically I only have the traditional 'nightmares' when I'm either stressed or sick as I think it sort of short-circuits my ability to influence that aspect of my mind.   So last night I'm minding my own business all snuggled into my comfy bed and I kept waking up in a full on clammy sweat. It was like I had just run a full marathon at Olympic breaking speeds. Yuck! I don't really remember what I was dreaming (which is odd for me) but I remember a feeling of being confined and powerless. There may also have been a panda bear. (Yeah, it doesn't take a degree to understand that first part!). I think being powerless is my greatest fear so it's not surprising that it would cause my sleeping brain to freak out like that.   Dearest sub-brain, I realize that you're obviously nervous about my upcoming future but it'll be okay. Seriously. So, take a chill pill, relax, and let the poor human have some nice, uninterrupted sleep tonight! Otherwise I might go batsh@$t crazy at work and start throwing cakes at customers like I was a monkey at the zoo.   Well, except they don't throw cake.
Lyra

Lyra

1
 

What Do Mrs Potato Head And Dr Frankenstein Have In Common?

Today was a fantastic day off and I got a bunch done. While my liquid diet officially starts on the 18th I've decided to start meal replacing now so that my the 18th I will only have to stop eating 1 meal instead of 3. I made some chicken broth today (it's pretty good) and cleaned my house. For some reason I feel this nesting instinct and have been cleaning like a mad woman. My apartment does look great though....   I was talking to a fellow surgery sisters and asked if she ever walked around looking at different bodies and wished she could take a butt from that lady, the legs from another, the stomach of a third and build the body she would have after surgery. Frankly, I've been playing Mrs. Potato Head, or Dr Frankenstein, like crazy lately. There was a lightening storm last week and I kept looking around waiting for Igor to show up! While part of me wishes the next two weeks could fly by, another part of me is actually enjoying the entire process and wanting to 'live in the moment'.   So here's a question: The USA has a very high obesity rate, but has anybody ever noticed that the 'normal' size clothes take up 2/3 of the space while the plus size gets shoved into a dark, dank corner? I want to shop in the normal section and not feel like I should be saying "Oh, I'm looking for somebody else, not for me *cue uncomfortable laugh*." Not only that, but I can't WAIT to be able to easily find clothes that are not button down, breast pocketed, striped shirts. Or frumpy. Or only in dark colors. Or with crazy grandma's floral print curtains pattern. I want to wear bright colors, with shirts that may be *gasp!* made of a thin silky material that clings to my body and doesn't show a muffin top. I want some knee high boots and some skinny jeans. I want to wear sundresses and tank tops without my arms looking bad. And dear god I want a pair of leather pants to go clubbing in! I miss dancing at clubs...   One thing I wonder is if losing weight will make me look older. Now, don't get me wrong, I fully appreciate not looking my age. Not only does my mom's family always tend to age well, but with my round and chubby face I get told I look like I could be in college. I turn 30 in six months. Has anybody else run into this where they either looked younger or looked older after the surgery? While I don't want to suddenly look older than my years, it might be nice to not get carded going into rated R movies. Or have bartenders look at my license like it's a fake. On the flip side I rake it in at the county fairs where they guess your age, especially if I don't wear makeup and put my hair in a ponytail. *amused*   Okay, babbling over and now it's off to finish laundry. I keep wishing that I will wake up someday and have had a brownie (the mythological creature who did housework and other chores in exchange for milk and bread) move in and start doing the chores for me! Dishes and laundry are such a pain.   Toodles, and I hope everybody has a great weekend!   -Lyra
Lyra

Lyra

2
 

Ramblings, Feral Chickens, And Circus Clowns

Last year my mom and I went on this amazing vacation that had to do with her work. It was fantastic and we've been planning on doing it again next year (it's only held every other year). We were talking about it tonight and how exciting it's going to be. I love hanging out with my mom! One of the things I'm really excited about is how much thinner I'll be because of the surgery. It'll definitely make riding on a plane easier! I am just about the maximum size a person can be and still fit in the waaaay too narrow seat. Yet I do fit with a little room to spare so it made me feel bad when I got on one of my connecting flights and the guy sitting next to me had the "oh hell no that fat chick isn't going to sit next to me" look on his face. He didn't even have the courtesy to at least pretend not to be looking around for another seat. In fact he about bowled me over in his hurry to get away from me. Bastard. Sometimes I wonder how people can be so insensitive. I'm no saint, but I genuinely do not want to hurt people's feelings. It makes me wonder if people who have no care for others were raised in a barn by a flock of feral chickens.   Anyway, that is neither here nor there. So my mom and I were talking about this fab vacation we're planning and I can't wait to shop for clothes! Granted, it's 10 months and 3 weeks away (but whose counting?) but I'm daydreaming about wearing a sexy little dress that clings in all the right places. Of a classy little evening bag whose strap stays on my shoulder and some knockout heels that scream "diva on the prowl!".   I've already changed so much in the last year. Internally changed, I mean. In fact, last summer was the first summer in almost 10 years that I wore shorts. Crazy, right? Yet I've always been so self-conscious. Not because I'm...er...plumptious, but because I have a lot of scarring on my legs from a run in with a brown recluse spider plus mrsa and two surgeries. I finally decided that my scars show that I still have legs thank god and that I've led an interesting life so screw the stares from people. To my surprise I found that most people just don't care or don't pay attention. It was a huge confidence builder and for those who were rude enough to point my scars out I came up with some real humdinger responses. My favorites included being attacked by rabid fire ants, alien abduction, surgery to make me taller, and a horrific circus accident involving a clown, tiger, and a wheelbarrow. *smirk*.   Man, I can't wait to go shopping for fashionable clothing!
Lyra

Lyra

2
 

What Happened Behind The Eclair Case?!?

Inches Lost! Huzzah!   From 4/23/12 Waist: 5.5" Under Breasts: 4" Neck: 0.75" Forearms: 0.75" Upper arms: 1.25" (stupid bat wings!) Upper thighs: 3" (woot! Thunder thighs are being defeated!) Calf: 1.5"     Wow. Looking back on that it's amazing! I'm glad that I've kept a journal of my measurements because my body has really, really hated getting out of the 230's. It keeps flirting with 229 before mischeviously gaining another pound then losing it, then gaining...my fat cells have a nasty sense of humor! Yet looking back on this really shows me how far I've come in a little less than 2 months. I mean, seriously, I started out at 280 and now I'm at 231ish. Not bad, says I!   Father's Day kicked my rapidly diminishing butt today! Granted the bakery isn't as busy as it is on Mother's Day but in my (stupidity) I made this cake that looked like a grill with hamburgers and hotdogs on it and everybody and their sister wanted one for today! It's not that they're difficult to make, but that they're time consuming. Also, the Powers That Be (managers) decided that today would be a great day for there to be only one decorator. Which is total and complete crap. I seriously made 30 cakes today and people were buying them out of my hands. Ah well.   So as my weight loss has slowed to a crawl I've decided I need to step up my A Game. If my name was Stella I would definitely have to be getting my grove back! Yeah, ya'll heard it here first, ladies and gents, but Lyra is going baaaaaaaaack to Zumba. Hopefully my hips will be able to better shake my thang than they were almost 50 pounds ago.   Okay, another thing, I really really need a boyfriend. I'm about to molest a customer with how haywire my hormones are. I can picture it now....the innocent (and sexy) unaware male customer coming in to buy a cupcake....he stops and his head goes up as he looks around, sensing danger on the savannah....the wildly beautiful and slinky lioness (moi!) slowly tracks her prey that she plans to cull from the herd for nefarious purpases....she crouches...LEAPS...and pulls Mr Sexy down behind the Eclair case to have her way with him....aaaand black censor boxes go up as this is a PG rated crowd....*shakes herself* Okay, yeah, maybe I shouldn't be daydreaming while writing on the VSG website....   Growl. *grin*
Lyra

Lyra

0
 

Alien Love Spore Or Zombie Death Plague

I haven't written in a few days because I've been fighting off The Zombie Death Plague. Okay, I should probably back up and start from the beginning. Ten years ago I was bitten by a brown recluse spider and then got MRSA on top of that (it was a fun year) and about three years ago I started getting MRSA flare ups a few times a year. Cue horror movie music and once again I'm fighting off MRSA. Which, while problematic, can be taken care of with typical prescription drugs except that I'm allergic to eleven different drugs. Doctors always get this 'deer in headlights' look about them when they need to prescribe for me as it's somewhat of a crap-shoot if I'm going to get sick (or shuffle off my mortal coil) from a new drug. Or an old drug that my body can't really tolerate anymore. Nice, right?   So I've given this some thought and I think MRSA is a government conspiracy (not really) that is really either an Alien Love Spore Infection (aka 'Body Snatchers') or The Zombie Death Plague (aka 'Resident Evil') that is trying to take over our world. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll wake up with an insatiable need for Braaaiiiiiins, the desire to moan piteously, and a serious case of personal decomposition. Well, right now I'm up early and forcing myself to eat a large breakfast because you can't take one of the only anti-MRSA (Zombie Death Plague) drugs on a lonely bagel or banana filled stomach. It's the equivalent of a nuclear bomb going off in your body and all sort of bacteria and whatnot die. Even the 'good' bacteria. Needless to say the next few days will be fun.   Obviously it's been a busy few days and the entire thing started off after bug bites I got from hiking and picnicking became infected. I'm taking this as proof that trees are evil, and mother nature is out to get me. From now on the only wilderness I want to be experiencing is the shopping mall on a Saturday during a 50% off sale! So other than that debacle I've been dealing with insurance stuff. See, my insurance approval is waiting on my PCP to send proof that I've been heavy for the last few years. I've been waiting for two weeks. So basically I called up my PCP last night and we chatted and I said that I have a somewhat narrow window of opportunity in April to get this surgery and I need this paperwork now. He pinkie promised to get it done and sent in today or tomorrow, thank goodness. If he doesn't...well...my friends and family know that I have a....creative...sense of humor :ph34r: . And my PCP has known me for a long, long time. *wicked smile*   So fighting off Zombieism, battling insurance companies, and decorating cakes. And who said that life was boring?   PS- Seriously, if I hit the "Add Entry" button (which should read "If You Hit This Button All Your Work Will Be Erased You Need To Hit Publish Now You Idiot" ONE MORE TIME I might throw a tantrum worthy of a 'Toddlers and Tiaras' contestant!
Lyra

Lyra

1
 

Shame And Vulnerability

Over the last week or so I've immersed myself into TedTalks, a yearly convention that is the brain and spirit trust that shows both the absolute best and worst of humanity. It combines science, art, music, humor, and every other aspect that makes us human. It's been inspiring on so many levels, and it has also caused me to really think.   One of the talks was on shame and vulnerability, why we feel them, and how those feelings (and how we deal with them) are important to our lives. I know that for myself I dealt with those emotions by reaching for the cookie box or eating way too much food. I think a lot of people who know me think that I'm an open person because I like to laugh and joke around. Yet I definitely have some very tall, very large boundaries as I am, at heart, a rather private person. This journey has really been a struggle for me because it makes me uncomfortable to be vulnerable in front of others. To go to the doctor and say, "I need this surgery. That I cannot lose weight on my own and will only continue to gain." To go to my best friends with confidence (all the while feeling shame) and tell them that I am getting this surgery. To realize that shame was illogical, but to feel it anyway. Two of my closest friends sat down with me to talk about why I decided to do this. I could see that my normal flippant responses wouldn't work, and that they were important enough to me to try and be as open as possible. God, it was hard, though. So very, very hard. I think I would rather run through the streets naked rather than open up emotionally like that. The results, though, were that they understood and now are really supportive.   My surgery of April 25th is quickly approaching, and I realize how much I really want things to change. I want to stand at my 30th birthday in November and look back and realize that not only am I healthier and have started a more active life...but I also want to be a more emotionally open person. Kinder, more compassionate, and more honest with myself and others. I'm not really sure how to do that but I guess that's part of the journey.   Either way, it's gonna be a hell of a ride.
Lyra

Lyra

2
 

Biting Nails, Dinosaurs, Terminator, And Evil Dryers

When I went to my last pre-insurance-approval class (is- Support group) I was told to wait until Tuesday and then call to see if the doctors had all gotten my paperwork to Dr. W. So, dutifully I call and was told that everything was kosher and that it had gone to the insurance lady, Mary, last Friday. So...sitting here, cruising the 'web, eating some pasta, watching about dinosaurs and just chilling. NOT. Okay, so the first few things were true, but I am not calm and collected! I'm about to have absolutely NO nails left. I am, in fact, biting my nails so badly that it looks like I have a nervous tick and the nice men in the white jackets are gonna take me to a padded room. Also, as a side note, I was totally expecting something different from the Support group. I had this weird image that we would all be sitting in a circle on rainbow poofy chairs talking about our feelings, our emotional eating problems, and our mothers. Something very touchy-feely. Not that there is anything wrong with touchy-feelyness, per say, but I would rather remove my own stomach with a dull, plastic spork then talk about such things in front of strangers. Well the rainbow poofy chairs were long tables, metal folding chairs, and a whiteboard. And the only touchy feeling talk going on was about vitamins, minerals and how best not to starve ourselves of vital nutrients.   So, I have all these questions whirling through my head. What if the insurance blip I had to take care of a few weeks ago didn't go all the way through the bureaucratic nine levels of hell to be attached to my file? What if the doctor's office didn't properly file my new insurance information in my folder? What if BCBS's computers suddenly become sentient and we all start living some variation of "The Terminator"? Somehow I don't think Dr W would do surgery in some broken down building while hoping to escape from a rabid AI. Okay, so maybe that last one is a touch out there...   I know that after the surgery I will be getting rid of clothes like crazy. I thought I was ready to get rid of my favorite shirt that I have had for years. I had even made plans to get said shirt in smaller incarnations. Whenever I wore this shirt I got sooo many compliments and it was the supreme of cool. Yet my Led Zepplin shirt was taken from me before it's time. Not because I have lost so much weight that it was now a tent and merrily off I went to buy another. No. It was insidiously taken from me by my dryer. I pulled it out and somehow small holes had ripped through the shirt. It had gone straight from "I can wear this out in public" through "I can wear this to the gym" to "only in my house. Alone. With the blinds closed." *sigh* Poor Led Zepplin shirt.
Lyra

Lyra

2
 

And No, I'm Not Pregnant, Thanks Ever So.

Wow. So much has happened in the last few days. I got my surgery date finalized, apparently it was only a projected date that had to be approved by the OR. Thank god I didn't know that or I would have fretted endlessly about it! I also got my final pre-op blood work done although apparently one of the tests they needed to do was a pregnancy test. Well, the doc didn't code WHICH pregnancy test as apparently there is one that says if you're pregnant, and the other tells them how far along you are. So the conversation went something like this:   Labcorp Tech (LT): So do you know what pregnancy test they want? Me: Huh? LT: explains the two tests. Your doctor didn't specify. Me: Well, it's for pre-op so they just want to see if I'm pregnant or not. I'm not, by the way. LT: We need to double check. He might want the other one. Me: Um...okay. Except the reason he wrote down for me to get these tests was because it's pre-op. If I'm pregnant (and I'm not) then no surgery. Thus meaning that the other test doesn't matter. LT: I'm going to call the doctor and verify. It may be awhile as it's after 5pm. Me: bangs head on wall.   Eh, she was just doing her job, but sheesh. Luckily Dr W called back quickly and I was in and out and thus made it to sushi on time.   I feel kinda odd right now, but not in a bad way. I feel like I'm very internally focused. It's strange because I've been so excited these last few months and now that the approval is in and all I have left is my last class/pre-op doctor's check on the 17th I feel very 'me' focused right now. My friends keep wanting to talk about it and how excited I must feel, and I am really excited, but I don't really want to talk about it. Perhaps it's nerves. I've been finding that while I'm emotionally fine, my brain is buzzing along like crazy. My friends have always teased me that I have the attention span of a magpie (I see something pretty or interesting and I'm off in another direction). I'm not flighty (heh, no pun intended) but I do enjoy learning lots of different subjects and tend to dabble in a lot of unconnected, random bouts of learning. It's kinda why I'm a National Geographic geek.   Speaking of NatGeo geeks, I've recently discovered TedTalks. For those of you who don't know they are a series of conferences that are held each year on a vast number of topics. Anything from the sciences, to art, history, etc but each presentation can only be a very strict 18 minutes. Well, except for Jane Goodall's presentation, but she's Jane Goodall, nobody is gonna boot her from the stage. The top voted person of the talks gets money to put towards their research or their dream that is going to change the world. Cool, huh? How did I not know about this? It's perfect for someone like me who loves hearing condensed talks about a myriad number of subjects. Thank you Netflix for adding a zillion of them to your instant play. My brain is thanking you! I've already watched about 30 of them. Very frosty, very neat!   April is such a crazy month for me. My job as a decorator gets hectic at Easter, then I have to get around to finishing my taxes, get to my class on the 17th, start liquid diet on the 18th, then work a crazy schedule until the 24th before I get my 2 weeks off for surgery.   Somebody at work asked me what my surgery was. I decided to have some fun, so I told him I was getting my own pair of sparkly butterfly wings. I said that because the room we work in is so small we were looking at lofting work stations to fit more decorators and we decided it would be best if I could hover and decorate on the lofted station. Then I told him that I had a traumatic experience where I woke up to this alien thing on my face and down my throat and that I had been implanted with an alien love spore and they had to get it out of me before I did my best Sigourney Weaver impersonation from Aliens 3. That got a lot of laughs and a "Lyra, you're nuts!" from people. While I don't have a problem telling people what I'm having done I was running a little experiment on how people would react if I answered that question with a ridiculous answer. Basically they were amused and dropped the subject. They probably think I have some horrible female related problem or something. It might be a good tactic to use on people who are being really pushy about the surgery. You just have to out ridiculous somebody until they walk away! Or edge away and call the looney tunes brigade....
Lyra

Lyra

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It's Not Onederland, But...

So for the last few years I've gone up and down the same 10-15 pounds. The lowest I've been is 260 and that's when I've dieted until life had no joy, but if I so much as looked at a piece of bacon I immediately jumped to 270-275ish. And, man, you can really feel a difference in your body at that weight! Yet today I jumped on the scale and it read 257.4!! It might not be onederland, but I'm just as happy! Go Lyra! *happy dance*
Lyra

Lyra

1
 

Today Was Awesome!

Ya'll, it's a great day to be alive! Today was awesome, the birds were tweeting, the sun was shining and a gentle breeze ruffled the trees. I kicked some serious butt at work and am ready to go into a hectic weekend! I'm really glad that it's going to be such a crazy next few days, as that means that they will skip on by and then....IT'S SURGERY DAY!   We had some bigwigs coming through the store today, and they said that they LOVED our cake case! Rock on us decorators! Another reason today rocked was sparked by an absentminded comment I made to the payroll officer at work. She saw me filling out the PTO (paid time off) request form and asked me if I was going to be doing anything fun. I said that I was going to be out on leave for 2 weeks for surgery. Her reply was to ask me if I had short-term medical disability insurance and if so, why I wasn't using it for the 2nd week. Seriously, how did I not think about that? I have a ton of PTO hours saved up, but it'll save me 24 hours of PTO. Which rocks! It required a bit of paperwork, but I've gotten it all taken care of. Another cool thing was that I went to Michael's Art Supplies store for some new sketching pencils (I had scored a 40% off coupon) and then found out that sketch pads were 50% off! My current sketch pad sucks as it was super cheap, but my new one is really nice.   Overall a great day and I'm so excited about having surgery on Wednesday. I feel very calm and I know that this is the right decision. Life is good, and it's only going to get better!
Lyra

Lyra

1
 

Overwhelmed, Tired, And Happy

Yesterday was my support group class...the last class before it goes to insurance for approval. It was interesting and overwhelming and scary. There are so many vitamins and minerals and nutrients you have to remember to take, and I think I'm going to try and get some free samples of protein drinks. Has anybody tried the 'Nectar' brand before? They're running a special right now on samples. It really just hit me that the journey to surgery is almost over. I need to sit down and write down what I need to take everyday so that I can wrap my mind around it.   Yesterday was a hard day because I got up at 4am and was at work until 1pm. Then I drove the 3 hours to my meeting, had dinner with my absolutely WONDERFUL mother, went to the meeting, and then I drove 3 hours BACK home. By the time I got home at midnight I was actually shaking in my seat and couldn't walk straight because I was so exhausted. I can't take the energy drinks because I had a little espresso addiction and it about killed my stomach. Today has been hard...but only two more days of work until a day off! Yah!   My mother is absolutely wonderful. She has been with me every step of the way and it has been awesome. I never think of my mom as getting old, half the time I forget that I'm about to turn 30 this year. Yet at dinner last night I saw my mom's beautiful hands and how rheumatoid arthritis is causing them to bend and warp. It makes me so sad and I wish I could spend more time with her. Luckily I'm recuperating at my parent's house so that's 2 weeks of togetherness. I'm sure by the end of it both of us will be glad for some separation!   So...yeah, overwhelmed. I feel like I have this big ball of emotion that sits behind my breastbone. It wasn't there a couple of weeks ago, but as I get closer and closer to game time, it gets bigger. I'm not thinking about backing out, nor am I unhappy. I think it's this weird conglomeration of nerves, fear, excitement, worry, happiness, with a big dose of "dear god!". Mountain meet molehill. *rolls eyes*.   Everything will be fine but the waiting is driving me nuts!
Lyra

Lyra

2
 

Following The Yellow Brick Road

I went to my Wellness and NUT class yesterday and I have to say that I was shocked. Once again I go to these mandatory classes and I sit there and think, "Does anybody actually know how to google?" Hell, the moment that the idea of VSG tickled my brain I immediately powered up my trusty laptop for some quality web time. Thats how I found all you lovely men and women on this site! Yet here I was, months later sitting in my W&NUT class and listening to this one gentleman say, "You mean I have to give up my McDonald's Deluxe Breakfasts?". And he wasn't being sarcastic, he was actually dismayed. *sigh*   On another note, I also passed my Psych(o) exam yesterday! $345 for 50 minutes that involved a conversation and a test to determine my mental wellbeing. Obviously I went into the wrong line of business as this sure beats my hourly wage!   I'm having friends over for dinner on Saturday and my bff told me that her husband isn't really getting why I'm having this surgery. Basically he's worried about me having surgery, as all surgery is dangerous. Also, he thinks that you can lose weight just by trying harder and using will power. Luckily my bff said that she thinks thats bs. I dont think that if you've been thin your entire life that you can understand how hard it is to lose weight and keep it off. So dinner should be interesting. Basically my mantra is, "You can be supportive without actually agreeing" and "Bring on the questions as long as the conversations are respectful". I'm not worried about it as its my choice, my family is behind me, and the effects speak for themselves. Also I know his questions come out of concern for me, and that it's not coming from a mean or judgemental place. Sometimes I forget that those who have never had surgery or health problems view surgery so suspiciously. I'm only 29 but I've had my appendix and tonsils removed, pins put into my foot, two surgeries on my legs to fix a brown recluse bite gone bad, wisdom teeth removed, and breast reduction surgery. Surgery itself does not scare me...and I think you get to a point in your life that you are willing to risk everything in order to gain a healthier and better life.   One more class to go on March 7 and then everything can be submitted to the insurance. Woohoo!   "If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance." ~ Unknown
Lyra

Lyra

0
 

Fat Pounds, Meet Your Match!

So my first VSG blog entry, how exciting! A chronicle of the minutiae of a pre-sleevers journey towards a new life...and oh how I want that new life. To excuse a bad pun, I want it so much that I can practically taste it. I figured even if I'm only talking to myself and sending these blogs out into the ether, then at least I can get how I feel on this journey down on paper. It may be interesting to look at a year from now and actually know what I felt and how I changed without the rose tinted glasses that time often gives our recollections. Or perhaps at the end of this journey, when I've met all my goals I will ceremoniously hit 'Delete'. *grin*.   Right now I'm a 29 years old woman, 5'5" ant 270 lbs, no kids, no SO, but with a ton of friends and a close family who are being (for the most part) very supportive. I do have a rather crazy cat, but I personally think she would be horrified at a reduction in cushy lap space. My deepest desires are to run marathons, complete Tough Mudders, join canine Search and Rescue, become a published writer, and to get married and have kids. I don't know about the other ladies out there, but I'm damned sick and tired of being "the girl with the hilarious personality" with the unspoken "too bad she's fat" tacked on the end. There is more to me than my weight and I finally reached the breaking point where I could give up and accept that my dreams would forever only be dreams...or I could take the bull by the horns, pull up my big-girl panties and figure out how to become a woman that can forge her own path. To that end I left a job that made me miserable, moved to a different state and now have a job and friends that make me smile and actually dance at work. As my dad found his courage to go through a surgery he was terrified of, I in turn found mine to take the next step.   To that end, my first bariatric doctor's appointment is Tuesday and I can't wait. I've been working hard at proper nutrition, weight lifting, yoga, and running to get my body in the best shape possible to tolerate surgery and to kick tail once I'm through it. I'm reading books to figure out why I eat what I do and how emotions dictate my eating. I'm calling it the three-pronged attack so that I am ready emotionally, mentally, and physically for what is to come.   Life is good, and with better health it can only get better!   Feeling Five by Five! ~Lyra   "Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels. " ~Faith Whittlesey
Lyra

Lyra

2
 

Feeling Yoda-Like Calmness, And A Letter To My Stomach

So I'm here at the hospital in one of their 'hotel-style' rooms. Very comfy. My check-in is at 7am for a 10am surgery and I know that this is right for me. My feet are on the right path and my head is in the right place. I don't know whats going to happen after surgery and what life will be like, but I have faith that everything will work out. I am calm. I am ready. Bring on the scapel, Doc, and let's do this.   Tomorrow is the day, thank you to everyone who has been with me so far on this journey and I'll keep ya'll posted.   See ya on the flip side!   ~Lyra   PS: A Note To My Stomach   Dear Stomach-   We've been together through thick and thin, literally. We've had good times, great times, and "how many tequila shots and burritos did I actually eat" times. Looking back on it, we've had a good run over the last 29 years. Granted, you were always a little bit finicky about lactose, and good at making epically loud grumbly noises that were better suited for the soundtrack of Star Wars (the part where the Death Star exploded, to be exact) but overall our relationship has been just a bit too good. For whatever reason you didn't have any boundaries, and I was a champion at crossing mine. So, in all due respect for services rendered...I want a divorce. Don't worry, though, my dear stomach, part of you will live on inside of me. We will still have a relationship, albeit a much healthier one. Remember the humiliation I felt when I couldn't get on the rides at the state fair? Yeah. I'm not saying it was all you, I definitely had a hand in it, but we're just not good together. You're just too much stomach for me to handle.   Please don't look at this 'divorce' as a forever goodbye. We will still enjoy food, just in smaller and much healthier amounts. Overall my happiness and future will be brighter because of this decision. Together we will strive for a better future. Together we will succeed, and together we will ROCK OUR SLEEVE!   So, goodbye dear stomach. In the morning we will go to sleep and when I awake I will no longer have a demanding and lazy stomach. Instead The Sheriff will be born, and a new sheriff will indeed be in town.   With love for the last 29 years of overly dedicated service, and with hope and faith for the future-   ~Lyra
Lyra

Lyra

0
 

Computer Problems And Patronizing Family Members

Sorry I haven't been around a lot, but I'm battling evil computer gremlins right now. Do not fear though, as I shall be triumphant. As for the rest of my life, things are going better. I'm stalled again, but it's giving me time to get my act together at work. Also I'm trying to be careful and not think that I've only lost 42 pounds in 5 weeks because I lost 42 lbs in 5 weeks! Yes, I am breaking out the Hammer moves!   I'm finally back to full 8 hour shifts (thank god) and my naps are getting shorter and shorter. I am getting somewhat tired of my family always trying to figure out how I feel about everything, though. They seem to expect me to be stressed or having all sorts of problems and don't believe me when I say that I'm fine. My dad had this surgery and went through crazy emotions after he started to lose weight and it's like they expect me to be going through the same thing. It's kinda frustrating, honestly. I about lost it when they kept saying how "they knew that I had to be going through a lot, because they had been there with my dad, and I just didn't realize that I was going through it.". If I wasn't pissed before THAT little bit of patronizing family trivia then I definitely wanted to make short, pithy statements that would have made a sailor blush! They keep telling me I was withdrawn and not telling them everything and I kept telling them that I was in agonizing pain for 4 weeks after surgery (I had major suture complications so it felt like my side was being ripped apart every time I breathed) and wasn't chatty because I was in pain. *rolls eyes*. Nothing is more annoying than having people tell you how you should be feeling and then patting you on the head when you say that no, you don't feel like that at all. Hence why I wasn't calling them and thus started the vicious cycle. I've never been very communicative when not feeling well and I would think that after 29 years they would know that.   Alas life is pretty good, though. My ego and self-confidence is increasing and I'm even thinking about hitting on the cute guy at work. This weekend I'm going shopping with my BFF because out of all my clothes I have about 3 things that fit. Also, I've never been happier that I need a new, smaller bra! Oh the inhumanity!! *grin*
Lyra

Lyra

0

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