So for the past couple of days (ever since I moved to soft/mush) I've been throwing up/dry heaving like crazy. When I eat or drink something it hurts like a b***h, kinda like somebody shoved a hot poker into my chest area. I would think maybe I had sprung a leak, but I don't have a fever. Has this happened to anybody else? Do ya'll think it might be because my sleeve isn't ready for food yet? I'm kinda concerned and figure if I'm not better by Monday I'll call the doctor.....
The only excuse I have for having totally dropped of the VSG website is that life has gone absolutely NUTS (as in working 6 days a week at my full time job, and doing wedding cakes for my side business) and the fact that my computer hates this site. It locks up like crazy everytime I try and bounce on to check out whats going on. *rolls eyes* At some point I'll get around to fixing that....
So what's been going on with moi, you ask? Well, my sixth month surgiversary is nigh (2.5 weeks away!) and I am down 85 pounds and a hell of a lot of inches. I actually slipped into Onederland about 2 weeks ago. That was....hard. You would think I would have jumped up and down (if you heard a strange noise at 5am EST that was me, squealing like a little girl) but I actually had a mini freak out. My dad had this surgery and I know that he had a hard time mentally as the pounds slipped away. A sort of brain/body disconnect that stressed him out (he's better now). I didn't have any problem as I slipped down into the low 200s...but something about going below 200 freaked me out. I didn't realize how much my weight was wrapped up in my self-image (duh, right?) and that I used it as an excuse to not engage the world. When I no longer had that my subconscious was sucking on its thumb, rocking back and forth while clutching the metaphorical blankie at the 'stressful' idea that I was becoming 'normal'. And that maybe the cute guy at work was flirting with me the other day. *blush*. So after having a very stern talk with my subconscious, taking away the blankie, and putting tabasco on it's thumb we are both finally on the same page. Granted, I'm now dealing with sullen teenager subconscious, but whatever. (Yes, I'm joking. I realized after re-reading this that my metaphor made me sound like I had multiple personalities. Frankly, if I had multiple personalities one of them had better be a kick ass Valkyrie. Or a dragon. Or Xena. Sometihng much more interesting than a sukly subconscious with thumb-sucking issues. But that's another blog entry....)
So now I'm at 195.2 with 55 more to go. Did I mention that I (and other people) can actually SEE my collarbones?! It's been so long since I could see them underneath my skin that I find myself constantly touching them (as if they're gonna disapear or something). I felt so stupid as I realized this after I got out of the shower and was brushing my hair. I had looked into the mirror and though, "What are those weird bumps under my skin". Yeah, facepalm time. *laughs at self*. Still, very, very cool. Also, as a side note, does anybody else notice how uncomfortable it is to sit sometimes now? I swear my butt is so boney and I'm not used to sitting on it rather than all the extra padding that used to be there!
So what else is going on in the Life Of Lyra? I haven't been able to exercise much in the last few weeks because I got Tboned in a vicious gocart accident. Don't snicker! It was horrible! My friends and I were on an adult gocart track where the things go up to 20 mph when I got clipped which caused my gocart to flip horizontal to the track. Then this douchebag Tboned me and promptly started swearing at ME! The harness that we wore went over the shoulders and crossed at the waist and chest area. Basically the force of the hit caused the buckle of the harness at chest level to dig into my ribs and cracked them. I literally had a bruise the size of my open hand across my ribs. Along with black bruises going over my shoulders, across my stomach, and on my legs. Plus a 'rugburn' across my neck where the shoulder part dug in. Lots of pain. Then (as if I wasn't in enough trouble) I got bronchitis. Has anybody ever had to cough with cracked ribs? Yeah, it sucks. Major. But I am now on the mend and am looking forward to running soon.
So what have I learned over the last 5.5 months? That this was the best decision that I have ever made. That I actually enjoy eating mostly veggies and fuits and that a girl really can happily survive without pasta and pizza in her life. That physical exercise is fun. That the amount of food restaurants give out is nauseating. That life is amazing! That in a few weeks I turn 30 and that for the first time in 10 years I feel....worthy. That I am not damaged and all the things that used to make me grab a snickers bar and stuff myself are not worth it. That life is beautiful and crazy in all its mysteries and that I CANNOT wait to see what happens next. I think I'm going to join a dating site, or maybe even get up the nerve to ask the cute guy at work out. I'm joining a kickboxing group with a friend and some other friends and I are going to take climbing lessons. And I'm going to FINALLY buy a pair of zipup knee high boots, because my calves FIT IN THEM!
Oh, and this time last year when I was humiliated at the State Fair when I couldn't fit in any of the rides and had to get off in front of all those people and I went home a cried all night? This year those rides better watch out! I've bought 2 full packs of tickets and I plan on using Every. Last. One. Of. Them. *wicked smile*
So I recently switched insurance companies to one that will approve my surgery...as long as I have a paper proving that I had another insurance UP TO the day that my new insurance starts. Basically that little sheet of paper means that there is no pre-existing clause to my new insurance and PRESTO approval for the VSG. I've had the insurance guys swear on all they hold dear that this is so. No problem, right? WRONG. My 'old' insurance is about to feel what my boot up it's derriere feels like. I cancelled my old insurance and dated it the day before my new insurance picked up. Well, three weeks later their system FINALLY updated and they said they would send me my Proof Of Insurance paper....dated at the end of this month. I don't need the cancellation to be at at the end of this month, I need it to say at the end of LAST month because I've gone to doctors this month and said that my insurance was Insurance B. If I had 2 insurance coverages for the last month that means I have to go back to all these doctors and submit paperwork showing that I had primary AND secondary insurance for them to bill. So sayeth the law. Now, I'm tickled all shades of pink that I finally have this magical document, but I am less than thrilled that I will have to traipse across the city to different doctors to submit another insurance for them to bill that I dont even have anymore. Especially as my 'old' insurance was crap and basically laughed in the face of medical claims and would just punt the claims to my new insurance.
Seriously, WHY can't we go back to the way that it used to be and just pay the doctors in chickens? How about a goat? I'm a cake decorator and I'll trade wedding, holiday, anniverary, birthday, and divorce cakes for surgery! Pretty please?
So I have a bit of a philosophical question. Now I've been stalled out for the last 1.5 weeks but somehow I've lost almost 2" around my waist. So where has the fat gone? It DEFINITELY hasn't gone to my butt (which is now bonier than an underfed horse and twice as uncomfortable to sit on!) and I must admit that I've given a bit of deep thought to this conundrum. Basically after researching all the scientific data that I could get my google-obsessed hands on I reached a major scientific breakthrough of an answer:
Worm holes.
Yep, worm holes. Basically we all have worm holes hooked up to us and as we lose inches (but not weight) the fat goes through the worm hole to another dimension where it floats around in 'space'. Since technically it's still attached to us (via worm hole thermonuclear physics and trans-dimensional laws of relativity ((I really love google! And Star Trek.))) the scales still count that fat. Yeah, it's a bit of a bummer but I figure if I ever get lost in the woods somewhere and can't find a bear to eat I can just reverse the worm hole and live off my stored fat. Kinda like a camel does water, or maybe a bear....
Okay, enough of the silliness (and I'm REALLY impressed if someone actually read this far. Give yourself a strawberry scratch-n-sniff sticker!). Today I had my 6 week checkup and I'm doing great. Thank goodness! These last few weeks have been hard but it's nice to know that everything is okay. Also, mom and I ate at Ruby Tuesdays and they have a surprising number of entrees that someone like me can eat. I think I about died and went to heaven when I found that they have a spaghetti squash pasta. Yeah, mmmmm, good! Granted I was only able to eat about 1/5 of it, but that's why people invented carry-out containers. Soooo good!
I hope all of ya'll are doing well!
Inches Lost! Huzzah!
From 4/23/12
Waist: 5.5"
Under Breasts: 4"
Neck: 0.75"
Forearms: 0.75"
Upper arms: 1.25" (stupid bat wings!)
Upper thighs: 3" (woot! Thunder thighs are being defeated!)
Calf: 1.5"
Wow. Looking back on that it's amazing! I'm glad that I've kept a journal of my measurements because my body has really, really hated getting out of the 230's. It keeps flirting with 229 before mischeviously gaining another pound then losing it, then gaining...my fat cells have a nasty sense of humor! Yet looking back on this really shows me how far I've come in a little less than 2 months. I mean, seriously, I started out at 280 and now I'm at 231ish. Not bad, says I!
Father's Day kicked my rapidly diminishing butt today! Granted the bakery isn't as busy as it is on Mother's Day but in my (stupidity) I made this cake that looked like a grill with hamburgers and hotdogs on it and everybody and their sister wanted one for today! It's not that they're difficult to make, but that they're time consuming. Also, the Powers That Be (managers) decided that today would be a great day for there to be only one decorator. Which is total and complete crap. I seriously made 30 cakes today and people were buying them out of my hands. Ah well.
So as my weight loss has slowed to a crawl I've decided I need to step up my A Game. If my name was Stella I would definitely have to be getting my grove back! Yeah, ya'll heard it here first, ladies and gents, but Lyra is going baaaaaaaaack to Zumba. Hopefully my hips will be able to better shake my thang than they were almost 50 pounds ago.
Okay, another thing, I really really need a boyfriend. I'm about to molest a customer with how haywire my hormones are. I can picture it now....the innocent (and sexy) unaware male customer coming in to buy a cupcake....he stops and his head goes up as he looks around, sensing danger on the savannah....the wildly beautiful and slinky lioness (moi!) slowly tracks her prey that she plans to cull from the herd for nefarious purpases....she crouches...LEAPS...and pulls Mr Sexy down behind the Eclair case to have her way with him....aaaand black censor boxes go up as this is a PG rated crowd....*shakes herself* Okay, yeah, maybe I shouldn't be daydreaming while writing on the VSG website....
Growl. *grin*
Today was a fantastic day off and I got a bunch done. While my liquid diet officially starts on the 18th I've decided to start meal replacing now so that my the 18th I will only have to stop eating 1 meal instead of 3. I made some chicken broth today (it's pretty good) and cleaned my house. For some reason I feel this nesting instinct and have been cleaning like a mad woman. My apartment does look great though....
I was talking to a fellow surgery sisters and asked if she ever walked around looking at different bodies and wished she could take a butt from that lady, the legs from another, the stomach of a third and build the body she would have after surgery. Frankly, I've been playing Mrs. Potato Head, or Dr Frankenstein, like crazy lately. There was a lightening storm last week and I kept looking around waiting for Igor to show up! While part of me wishes the next two weeks could fly by, another part of me is actually enjoying the entire process and wanting to 'live in the moment'.
So here's a question: The USA has a very high obesity rate, but has anybody ever noticed that the 'normal' size clothes take up 2/3 of the space while the plus size gets shoved into a dark, dank corner? I want to shop in the normal section and not feel like I should be saying "Oh, I'm looking for somebody else, not for me *cue uncomfortable laugh*." Not only that, but I can't WAIT to be able to easily find clothes that are not button down, breast pocketed, striped shirts. Or frumpy. Or only in dark colors. Or with crazy grandma's floral print curtains pattern. I want to wear bright colors, with shirts that may be *gasp!* made of a thin silky material that clings to my body and doesn't show a muffin top. I want some knee high boots and some skinny jeans. I want to wear sundresses and tank tops without my arms looking bad. And dear god I want a pair of leather pants to go clubbing in! I miss dancing at clubs...
One thing I wonder is if losing weight will make me look older. Now, don't get me wrong, I fully appreciate not looking my age. Not only does my mom's family always tend to age well, but with my round and chubby face I get told I look like I could be in college. I turn 30 in six months. Has anybody else run into this where they either looked younger or looked older after the surgery? While I don't want to suddenly look older than my years, it might be nice to not get carded going into rated R movies. Or have bartenders look at my license like it's a fake. On the flip side I rake it in at the county fairs where they guess your age, especially if I don't wear makeup and put my hair in a ponytail. *amused*
Okay, babbling over and now it's off to finish laundry. I keep wishing that I will wake up someday and have had a brownie (the mythological creature who did housework and other chores in exchange for milk and bread) move in and start doing the chores for me! Dishes and laundry are such a pain.
Toodles, and I hope everybody has a great weekend!
-Lyra
I cried today.
To be honest, I'm still kinda shocked about the above statement. I can count on one hand the number of times I've cried in the last decade. I've personally never thought tears fixed anything and am a 'going in guns blazing' instead of 'delicate weeping beauty' sort of lady. Steel southern magnolia, anyone?
So there I was, looking forward to my day off and realized that something had happened that hasn't in a number of years. Ever since I gained that last big amount of weight I developed pcos and my period stopped. I never told anyone, but I felt so cut off from my sexuality and from being a woman when that happened. I also worried that maybe my uterus was broken and I would never be able to have kids. I think I submerged those feelings of inadequacy/guilt/anger/despair so deeply that it wasn't until I dropped 65 pounds and get my period back that they just overtook me. It definitely rocked my world and I can't believe how happy I am with bloating, back pains, and food cravings again. *shakes head*
It's been several weeks since I've updated and I apologize, yet again. So much is going on and life is good, if confusing. My weight loss has been slow and steady and I'm 14.4 pounds away from Onderland. I sometimes get caught up in the mental belief that I am still 280 and then I realize that I can mostly shop in the regular clothes section now. My grandparents saw me for the first time in 3 months (since surgery) and my grandpa got all chocked up and teary eyed. They've been so worried about me. People keep telling me how pretty I am and I hope that I can soon start to believe them without doing the automatic 'big girl humor' to laugh off something that I don't believe. It's nice to not feel like people are looking at me and judging me all the time. I actually flirted with a guy the other day and didn't feel like said guy was only being polite back. I don't feel as invisible anymore and it's taking time to get used to that.
Another thing that has surprised me is the change in my personality. I've always been somewhat hyper and 'artistic' (read: eccentric) and people have said that while I am still funny that I've calmed down a lot. I think I subconsciously felt like I had to be overly amusing to overcome my weight. As if I somehow had to justify my existence in a group of prettier/skinnier people. Which is a load of crap, but apparently my subconscious is an idiot.
So many changes and every day I thank god that I did this surgery. I sometimes feel whistful about what my life would have been like if I had been skinny from the beginning, but you can't change the past. You can't change the hand that life has dealt you....although you can definitely throw in a couple of cards and pull new from the deck! Life changes so quickly, and I must say that I will deeply enjoy what is to come as I continue to lose more weight and find out who I really am.
Well, I'll enjoy everything except the hair loss. I've resigned myself to shedding more than Chewbacca the Wookie, but damn, it sucks. If anybody is looking for an amazing hair gel that helps give curl, definition, and body to whatever hair you have left look up Herbal Essences Curl Control Gel. It's new and worth every single penny!
So today I felt very much like a Viking. I have those days. I would say only occassionally, but seriously, who am I kidding? Sometimes you roll out of bed to the thunderous sound of the alarm clock and think to yourself, "Self, today is a Viking day". I knew it was going to be a glorious Viking day when I got out of bed, strutted into the bathroom and found that I had lost more weight! Yeah, broken stall! I have conquered thee! Thus I then gained an appropriate Viking attitude that says "Arg! I shall plunder and pillage the countryside! Beer wench, bring me more mead!" (On a side note, occassionally I also feel like a pirate, but thats a different blog. *wink*). So, my fellow Norse Men, The Stall Hath Ended! I knew I was totally rockin' my innter Viking warrior when people kept commenting on how awesome I looked today! Which, let me tell you, it's hard to look fabulous in a white chef's jacket. I pretty much pretend that the chef jacket is battle armor against the hordes of rampaging customers, but even MY imagination can only go so far!
Speaking of Vikings, my bffs went to Iceland and asked what I wanted them to bring back to me. I said (of course!) "A Viking". Translation: A 6'4 HUNK of virility whose only desire is to...er *blush*....play scrabble with me. Yeah...um...scrabble. *rolls eyes*. Did anybody believe that, 'cause not even I did. Anyway, I figured they could FedEx me a Viking. Hell, if it fits it ships, right? Instead I got Erikir The Red who is about 4 inches tall, very rotund, and looks like he would rather be protecting his rack o' sheep ribs instead of other things. *wink wink, nudge nudge*. Still, he's kinda cute. Although not quite what I was looking for....
Work was nuts, as usual, and now I'm researching bowling alleys because a bunch of us are going bowling and I am, apparently, She Who Organizes The Who, What, When And Where. Sometimes I swear getting everybody to the correct place at the correct time is like herding cats. So, research. Thank god for google and smart phones.
I have about 1.5 weeks until my sixth month surgiversary doctor's appointment. I need to lose 4lbs to get to 90 total lost. I'm kinda hoping that the Chub Fairy will come and suction about 14lbs from me overnight (and leave me money under my pillow), but it seems that the Chub Fairy is having beer with the Laundry Fairy, Vaccuum Fairy, and the Cleans The Litterbox Fairy as they are all AWOL and not visiting MY house. *sigh* It's so hard to find good help these days....
Ya'll, it's a great day to be alive! Today was awesome, the birds were tweeting, the sun was shining and a gentle breeze ruffled the trees. I kicked some serious butt at work and am ready to go into a hectic weekend! I'm really glad that it's going to be such a crazy next few days, as that means that they will skip on by and then....IT'S SURGERY DAY!
We had some bigwigs coming through the store today, and they said that they LOVED our cake case! Rock on us decorators! Another reason today rocked was sparked by an absentminded comment I made to the payroll officer at work. She saw me filling out the PTO (paid time off) request form and asked me if I was going to be doing anything fun. I said that I was going to be out on leave for 2 weeks for surgery. Her reply was to ask me if I had short-term medical disability insurance and if so, why I wasn't using it for the 2nd week. Seriously, how did I not think about that? I have a ton of PTO hours saved up, but it'll save me 24 hours of PTO. Which rocks! It required a bit of paperwork, but I've gotten it all taken care of. Another cool thing was that I went to Michael's Art Supplies store for some new sketching pencils (I had scored a 40% off coupon) and then found out that sketch pads were 50% off! My current sketch pad sucks as it was super cheap, but my new one is really nice.
Overall a great day and I'm so excited about having surgery on Wednesday. I feel very calm and I know that this is the right decision. Life is good, and it's only going to get better!
So I have officially stalled, which doesn't come as a shock as I'm a couple weeks out of surgery. Yet I really don't care. I know that the scale will move again, and frankly I've felt so nasty the last week (I'm finally feeling better) that I've kinda had a lot on my mind. Also, I've lost 30 pounds and I feel sexy and prettier than I have in a loooooong time. Granted I still need to lose a lot of weight, but baby steps!
Tomorrow I go back to work and I'm kinda nervous about it. I have a physical job and because of my problem with my sutures I know it's gonna hurt. But I'm still excited about seeing all my friends and coworkers.
Wish me luck, ya'll!
Okay, seriously, has anybody else felt that nesting instinct right before surgery? I've cleaned the heck out of my house! I'm practically seeing animated sparkles floating in the air...or at least I did until my kitty just threw up on the floor. Thanks, Mara. Also I'm totally diggin' this liquid diet. I feel really light and bouncy on my feet and have lost over 10 pounds. Another humerus aspect is that I'll be gone for 2 weeks as I'm staying with my parents and when I get back it'll be all dusty again, lol! So, the day after tomorrow is it! I'm so excited! And it's gonna go by fast, because I have to get up at 4am for work, then after I get off at 1pm I run on home to pick up the kitty and then drive 3.5 hours to my parents. Then we wait for my mom to get home, then we get in the car and drive 1.5 to the hospital (they have hotel-type rooms you can rent for $25) as I have a 7am check in time! Finally, surgery!
Ya'll, life is plain peachy right now! Woot woot!
I don't know why I'm freaking out right now. Maybe because it feels that for the past two months I've been living and breathing VSG surgery and right now I'm in the Insurance Limbo From Hell. Until I hear back from them there is nothing I can do. I really do not like not being in control of my fate. The longer the limbo stretches the crazier the ideas are that pop into my head. On top of work shenanigans (we're super busy) and relationship stress my mind is blowing everything out of proportion. I know that this is what's happening, but still. I've been so busy lately that I feel like I haven't had any time for a healthy outlet that's not work, VSG related, or sleeping! Obviously I have enough problems without having my imagination working overtime!
Tonight I was talking to my mom and she said that my dad (who had VSG about 1.5 months ago) is now a terrible cook. He was cooking her dinner but she asked him to stop because it was (in some cases) inedible. Cooking has always been a big part of my family (and obviously a big part of the problem!) and my dad and I LOVE to cook. I adore combining different flavors and just feeding people. I get great enjoyment out of it. This is why I went to culinary school. I have a career based on my ability to bake! So now I'm freaking out that somehow after surgery I will lose my ability to cook/bake. That not only will a huge chunk of my stomach be cut out, but also my culinary ability. I mean, what happens if instead I gain the ability to make anything explode? Next thing you know I'm in the CIA and working in some cesspit and using vanilla extract to blow stuff up only to later be snuffed because I know too much. Okay, so that probably wont happen, but you get the point! It's so stupid to be so worked up over this and to invite trouble before I even have surgery!!
Today at work somebody told me that "I'm the spoon that stirs the pot" and that work is so much more interesting and fun when I'm there and that I put other people in a good mood. It made me feel warm and fuzzy...but sad, too. At my last job people were thoughtless and backstabbing and didn't really like me so it really surprises me when people tell me how glad they are that I work with them. I think the correct word is 'baffled'. I worked in that toxic job for so long that I think I started to subconsciously believe that I wasn't a good person. I was stressed all the time and hated life. I've been so happy at my new job but I'm thinking that I need to do something soon to stretch my wings. Teaching would do that but dang, that's a scary thought! Intriguing, but scary!
I think right now my emotions are going in every which way and I'm trying really hard for them not to impact upon my relationships. I just want this done and over so I can move on. I LIKE being cheerful and fun. I want to go rock climbing so badly I can taste it! I don't like feeling so discombobulated and out of sorts!!
Sheesh, I thought my emotions would be on a roller coaster AFTER the surgery, not before!!
After seemingly forever going up and down The. Same. Three. Pounds. I have FINALLY dipped down into the 220's! I don't remember how long its been since I've weighed this...maybe freshman year in college? Seriously, I'm so happy I could cry! Onederland, here I come!
Yesterday was a day that would have made a SAINT fall to the Dark Side and become an evil Sith Lord. He and Darth Vader would have been bffs, I'm sure. Work was hectic in that everybody needed their hands held and a customer argued over a shade of pink I used on their cakes. But, honestly, I kinda expect that at work so it doesn't really bother me anymore. No, what made the day 'of the suck' was when I reached into my pocket to pull out Wallie (named after Wall-E), my Pantech Pursuit side-open qwerty keyboard phone and his touchscreen wasn't working! Wallie was probably my favorite phone EVER but the only thing he could still do was allow me to type a number on the keyboard to call out. Which was heroic of him, but who knows anybody's number anymore? Seriously, when I call someone it goes like this, "Wallie, call (fill in the blank with a name)" and Wallie calls. I can't deal with not having a phone. Seriously. Also, texting is a fact of life. So instead of going home to change from my work clothes before going to get my hair done I tried (and failed) to find a AT&T store. *sigh*
So off I go to my amazing salon where everybody always looks cute and hip. I already feel like a slob because I'm Lady Plumptious in the Land Of Skinny Cute Clothed People but wearing my work clothes (ucky T-shirt and jeans) I felt even worse. Luckily I had a pair of cute retro-shoes in my car and so was able to take off my just adorable (sarcasm) non-slip shoes. Yet even shoes do not make up for a sad, sad outfit. So, what does a Cool Chick like myself do, you ask? Well like any, er, 'big boned' lady I decided to fake it. Yep, I walked in all swagger and sass and thought to myself "Self, you are wearing awesome shoes. More awesome than THEIR shoes. See my delectable shoe-ware and know envy". Petty, yes, and I really do believe that people are more than their clothes and I really am a self-confident Goddess of Womanhood....but. Yeah, but. I kinda wanted to pretend to be a jedi and say "You see not my horrible work clothes, you see not my horrible work clothes. Oh, and you will give me a free mini highlight....". Ahh, to only have superpowers.
Anyway, the haircut is super hot and off I toddle to find my nearest AT&T store only to find out that my 'insurance' plan that I pay for can't give me a Wallie 2. That they don't even MAKE his type of phone anymore (poor Wallie, and he wasn't even 2 years old yet!) and they say that they'll give me 'X' instead. Well, 'X' is a POS and I'm not paying $50 for it. So low and behold I find myself a lovely iPhone 3 and now have Fyfer (from Fifer of "Watership Down") who rocks hardcore! I have joined the Legion Of Those Who Own Smart Phones And In Particular iPhones". So when do I get my t-shirt and secret decoder ring? They did give me poor Wallie's body in a box so I'm debating on burying him outside under a beautiful, pollen spludging Dogwood Tree. Poor Wallie.
Luckily my bffs called me to go out to eat that night (still in my ucky work clothes but NOW sporting professionally styled hair to go with my cute retro shoes) and we had chicken wings. Well, during the course of dinner I mentioned how I was watching a Dinosaur Documentary and that it said birds were the decedents of dinosaurs. So if that is true, and a chicken is a bird, does that mean that a T-Rex tastes like chicken? And that theoretically I just ate a T-Rex? Mmmm, T-Rex chicken is GOOD! So if you are what you eat, and I just ate a T-Rex does that mean I'm a meat-hungry Queen of Humanity? I mean, T-Rex was considered the king of dinosaurs....*grin*
Although I think my nobility should at least demand several hot cabana boys waiving pond fronds and rubbing my poor, tired feet. You see, cool retro shoes look great but walking for hours in them hurts!
Ah, what a day!
Over the last week or so I've immersed myself into TedTalks, a yearly convention that is the brain and spirit trust that shows both the absolute best and worst of humanity. It combines science, art, music, humor, and every other aspect that makes us human. It's been inspiring on so many levels, and it has also caused me to really think.
One of the talks was on shame and vulnerability, why we feel them, and how those feelings (and how we deal with them) are important to our lives. I know that for myself I dealt with those emotions by reaching for the cookie box or eating way too much food. I think a lot of people who know me think that I'm an open person because I like to laugh and joke around. Yet I definitely have some very tall, very large boundaries as I am, at heart, a rather private person. This journey has really been a struggle for me because it makes me uncomfortable to be vulnerable in front of others. To go to the doctor and say, "I need this surgery. That I cannot lose weight on my own and will only continue to gain." To go to my best friends with confidence (all the while feeling shame) and tell them that I am getting this surgery. To realize that shame was illogical, but to feel it anyway. Two of my closest friends sat down with me to talk about why I decided to do this. I could see that my normal flippant responses wouldn't work, and that they were important enough to me to try and be as open as possible. God, it was hard, though. So very, very hard. I think I would rather run through the streets naked rather than open up emotionally like that. The results, though, were that they understood and now are really supportive.
My surgery of April 25th is quickly approaching, and I realize how much I really want things to change. I want to stand at my 30th birthday in November and look back and realize that not only am I healthier and have started a more active life...but I also want to be a more emotionally open person. Kinder, more compassionate, and more honest with myself and others. I'm not really sure how to do that but I guess that's part of the journey.
Either way, it's gonna be a hell of a ride.
Okay, so you know how sometimes you're ambling (or sashaying) through your life when all of a sudden something comes out of left field and blindsides you and you're left sitting on your butt with cartoon tweety birds flying around your head? Yeah, that's me. I realized something today. I am legitimately scared of being skinny. Weird, isn't it? Now don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic about how far I've come in 11 months. This is so NOT a complaint. Yet at the same time I realized that I'm only 30 itty bitty pounds away from my goal. I've wanted to be skinny and healthy for over a decade....and it's practically here. And I am scared out of my ever lovin' mind about that! I was talking to my mom and I made some off-hand joke about being plumptuous...and she said that I didn't qualify anymore. I wasn't 'chubby', 'thick', 'plump' or anything else. You could have knocked me over with a feather I was so surprised. I look at me and I still see a muffin top...apparently other people look at me and see someone who looks normal. I really think that 2/3 of the battle after this surgery isn't actually the weight loss...it's the mind/body disconnect that occurs. Just when I feel like I've finally gotten a handle on it, I'm hit again with how things are different. Again, this is NOT a complaint, merely an observation. I feel...well, uncomfortable isn't the right word. Perhaps uneasy? Restless? A conglomeration of all of the above words? Maybe 'growing pains' (no pun intended. Maybe I should call it 'shrinking pains'?) would be best. I'm finally coming out of my shell and slowly building the life that I want to live. At the same time there was something so easy about being able to blame my weight for the lack that I felt in my life. Now I have no security blanket and it's time to grow up and pull on my (stylishly awesome) big girl panties and kick a little butt. I feel so much is changing and I have the feeling that I'm standing on the edge of a precipice and that the next year is going to be wild, crazy, and will dramatically shift the direction of my life. Scared? Yes. Excited? HELL yes. Nervous? Well...a lady has to keep some secrets, yes? *wicked grin*
So I had a thought today about WLS when I was at work. I realized that while I am excited about new clothes, better health, and a more active life there is one thing that would be almost (TMI) orgasmically good. It would be fantastic to come home from work and NOT have my feet, ankles, knees and legs positively ache and swell up. I work on my feet for 8 hours every day as a cake decorator. Sometimes after sitting and then getting back up my feet are so swollen they look like little Italian sausages (the Hot and Spicy kind, of course!) and I hobble around like a 100 year old woman! I actually daydreamed today (while cloud watching! I saw a crab, and Spiro the dragon!) about how having 120 less pounds bearing down on my poor footsies will feel! How maybe my hips and shoulders wont hurt. About how I will be able to enjoy my body, rather than be exhausted by it.
Still no word about the insurance, but I've got a ton of extracurricular activity for the next five days to help take my mind off of everything.
*sigh*. My last class before getting my surgical date is next week and I was hoping to have the surgery at the end of March. That way I could have the two weeks off and go back to work for Easter weekend (I'm a cake decorator). I just found out that the first week of April is blacked out for time off. Which means that unless my surgery is 4/9 I wont be able to take 2 weeks off until May because it would interfere with the other decorator's vacation. Damn it. February has flown by and I know March will too....but I'm just so bummed. I just want to have the surgery and get this done. I know that in a few months everything will have worked out...but right now I'm just a little sad. It doesn't help that I've been working crazy long hours dealing with some real wackos lately and am very hormonal right now. Why do people feel the need to treat customer service like crap? I get treated like I'm an idiot when I have as much, if not more, education than many of my customers do. What is wrong with people?
Last year my mom and I went on this amazing vacation that had to do with her work. It was fantastic and we've been planning on doing it again next year (it's only held every other year). We were talking about it tonight and how exciting it's going to be. I love hanging out with my mom! One of the things I'm really excited about is how much thinner I'll be because of the surgery. It'll definitely make riding on a plane easier! I am just about the maximum size a person can be and still fit in the waaaay too narrow seat. Yet I do fit with a little room to spare so it made me feel bad when I got on one of my connecting flights and the guy sitting next to me had the "oh hell no that fat chick isn't going to sit next to me" look on his face. He didn't even have the courtesy to at least pretend not to be looking around for another seat. In fact he about bowled me over in his hurry to get away from me. Bastard. Sometimes I wonder how people can be so insensitive. I'm no saint, but I genuinely do not want to hurt people's feelings. It makes me wonder if people who have no care for others were raised in a barn by a flock of feral chickens.
Anyway, that is neither here nor there. So my mom and I were talking about this fab vacation we're planning and I can't wait to shop for clothes! Granted, it's 10 months and 3 weeks away (but whose counting?) but I'm daydreaming about wearing a sexy little dress that clings in all the right places. Of a classy little evening bag whose strap stays on my shoulder and some knockout heels that scream "diva on the prowl!".
I've already changed so much in the last year. Internally changed, I mean. In fact, last summer was the first summer in almost 10 years that I wore shorts. Crazy, right? Yet I've always been so self-conscious. Not because I'm...er...plumptious, but because I have a lot of scarring on my legs from a run in with a brown recluse spider plus mrsa and two surgeries. I finally decided that my scars show that I still have legs thank god and that I've led an interesting life so screw the stares from people. To my surprise I found that most people just don't care or don't pay attention. It was a huge confidence builder and for those who were rude enough to point my scars out I came up with some real humdinger responses. My favorites included being attacked by rabid fire ants, alien abduction, surgery to make me taller, and a horrific circus accident involving a clown, tiger, and a wheelbarrow. *smirk*.
Man, I can't wait to go shopping for fashionable clothing!
Yesterday was my support group class...the last class before it goes to insurance for approval. It was interesting and overwhelming and scary. There are so many vitamins and minerals and nutrients you have to remember to take, and I think I'm going to try and get some free samples of protein drinks. Has anybody tried the 'Nectar' brand before? They're running a special right now on samples. It really just hit me that the journey to surgery is almost over. I need to sit down and write down what I need to take everyday so that I can wrap my mind around it.
Yesterday was a hard day because I got up at 4am and was at work until 1pm. Then I drove the 3 hours to my meeting, had dinner with my absolutely WONDERFUL mother, went to the meeting, and then I drove 3 hours BACK home. By the time I got home at midnight I was actually shaking in my seat and couldn't walk straight because I was so exhausted. I can't take the energy drinks because I had a little espresso addiction and it about killed my stomach. Today has been hard...but only two more days of work until a day off! Yah!
My mother is absolutely wonderful. She has been with me every step of the way and it has been awesome. I never think of my mom as getting old, half the time I forget that I'm about to turn 30 this year. Yet at dinner last night I saw my mom's beautiful hands and how rheumatoid arthritis is causing them to bend and warp. It makes me so sad and I wish I could spend more time with her. Luckily I'm recuperating at my parent's house so that's 2 weeks of togetherness. I'm sure by the end of it both of us will be glad for some separation!
So...yeah, overwhelmed. I feel like I have this big ball of emotion that sits behind my breastbone. It wasn't there a couple of weeks ago, but as I get closer and closer to game time, it gets bigger. I'm not thinking about backing out, nor am I unhappy. I think it's this weird conglomeration of nerves, fear, excitement, worry, happiness, with a big dose of "dear god!". Mountain meet molehill. *rolls eyes*.
Everything will be fine but the waiting is driving me nuts!
Well, I definitely learned my lesson today! What I think is eating slow and what The Sheriff thinks is eating slow are two totally separate things. Basically I ate too fast and my stomach went from "Yeah, we're good" to "DEF-CON 1 ABORT ABORT!" in about .01 seconds. Needless to say the pain that I felt from that is gonna make sure that I don't do that again! It's hard getting my liquid in, but I'm working on it...
Overall things have been good since surgery last Wednesday. My stomach is still swollen and my back and breastbone area are killing me from trapped gas. I'm exhausted a lot (I still can't believe that I needed a nap after taking a shower!) and I'm really glad that I ended up taking a full 2 weeks off of my physically demanding job!
I am not regretting my choice, but I think I'll be a lot happier once the weight starts coming off and I don't feel like somebody shoved a hot poker into my side!
I'm also going to start researching how to change over some of my favorite recipes to be sleeve approved. Life is going to be good, I just think it'll take a few days to get there!
Hope ya'll are well!
~Lyra
So it's been a few days and a lot has happened in that time. I ended up having to go back to the hospital for them to check me out but luckily everything was easily fixed. Apparently when I threw up the first time it can cause your sleeve to constrict and get pissy, which can cause a cascade failure of epic upchucking. Which pulled and semi-tore some of my internal and external stitches. And because I couldn't keep anything down the ketones from the fat breakdown build up in your body and kidneys. Which don't have the liquid to properly flush them. Which means you get a lovely kidney/UTI infection. Which makes you feel worse. Yeah, do ya'll see where I'm going with this?
So they ended up giving me 2 bags of fluid, 1 plain saline and the other a 'banana bag' that is full of vitamins and stuff. Then they prescribed me 3 different "Stomach Be Good" medicines that I have to take for the next month. Seriously, though, I about cried when I could eat and drink without having burning/stabbing pain. Unfortunately the suture pain I'm just going to have to deal with but at least I can eat and drink!
So this little adventure set my physical recovery back, and I still have to go into work Thursday. My boss rocks, though, and I'm going to be honest that if it wasn't Mother's Day coming up the doctors recommended I take another week off. I think she'll let me work some half days so that's good.
Anyway, overall things are better and I'm back on track. Rock on and I hope ya'll are doing well too!
Wow, I've had a doozie of a week, ya'll! So, granted the 'stranger' was my boss, but I'm never taking juice unless there is an ingredient label with it.
Picture this: The plucky (and devastatingly beautiful) protagonist Lyra goes in to work to do battle against the Hoard Of Rampaging Customers Needing Cake Right. This. Minute when her boss offers her some pineapple juice. Plucky and Sassy Lyra loves pineapple juice so drinks a good 8 oz of it. Everything seems to be going well until her stomach starts cramping up and hives start breaking out in her mouth and on her skin. (Okay, enough of the third person). I went to find the juice container and discovered that there was apple juice listed as an ingredient. Did I mention that I'm highly allergic to apples? Luckily I always carry emergency allergy meds with me but it still about kicked my tail!
The moral of the story: Never take juice from strangers. Or people you know. Although I did joke with my boss that if she was trying to kill me so she could hire a younger, prettier cake decorator that I was on to her and that it wasn't going to work!
Maybe I should hire some hot, European bodyguards while at work...I could declare it as a business expense on my taxes....*wicked smile*
I woke up today not feeling so hot. I definitely didn't get enough water yesterday and today I am paying the price. Nothing too bad, but I'm listless and feel like I was run over by a runaway camel. I'm also not able to tolerate any chicken broth or the protein drink that I was able to drink just the other day. So today I've been concentrating on getting my water in and I'm half way to the mark. Also, I couldn't tolerate the liquid Vicodin that the doctor prescribed so I've been moved to a different pain killer. Which is awesome since the one big incision that the doctor did to pull out my stomach has a good four inch bruise around in. Yeah, its sore.
So, working on the water and I went for a 'walk' outside. Basically I walked to the end of the street and back. It's not much but the movement helped. I stepped on the scale today and was down 6 pounds from my surgery day weight for a total of 18 pounds!!! I guess I should work on getting a ticker set up....
My mom, who is concerned that I've barely been able to get water in went and found some greek yogurt that is low sugar and high in protein. I've never been a plain yogurt sort of girl, but this stuff is amazing! It goes down easily and my stomach isn't cramping and gurgling. Yeah, success! The food has helped clear my head a little bit, which has helped the general lethargy. It's really easy to forget to eat and forget to drink, which is a big no-no. It's odd to not feel hungry and to be uninterested in food.
Still not regretting my choice, but I can't wait for the initial after surgery healing to be over with!
I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
~Zhuangzi
I've always had crazy dreams full of intricate plot, color, surround sound, and sci-fi material but last night was a doozie. Let me explain, I almost always know when I'm dreaming. You see, when I was a little kid I had really, really, really intense dreams (I still do but as an adult they don't bother me) and one day I decided that I was a 'big girl' and didn't need to cry for my mom or dad. So after I would wake up from such techno-color dreams I would mentally envision myself on a white horse (yeah, I was horse crazy) galloping through a meadow with kitties and puppies and whatnot (so trite!). I would slow my breathing and forcibly calm myself down (breathing helps everything, I swear!). I only learned as an adult when I was being taught meditation that I had been doing a version of that all those years. Kinda neat, huh? Anyway, I remember my dreams almost daily so it became an automatic defense until one day I was in the dream and realized that I was dreaming and was able to calm myself down while still asleep. That means that even 'scary' dreams are pretty hilarious when you know that they're not true. Typically I only have the traditional 'nightmares' when I'm either stressed or sick as I think it sort of short-circuits my ability to influence that aspect of my mind.
So last night I'm minding my own business all snuggled into my comfy bed and I kept waking up in a full on clammy sweat. It was like I had just run a full marathon at Olympic breaking speeds. Yuck! I don't really remember what I was dreaming (which is odd for me) but I remember a feeling of being confined and powerless. There may also have been a panda bear. (Yeah, it doesn't take a degree to understand that first part!). I think being powerless is my greatest fear so it's not surprising that it would cause my sleeping brain to freak out like that.
Dearest sub-brain, I realize that you're obviously nervous about my upcoming future but it'll be okay. Seriously. So, take a chill pill, relax, and let the poor human have some nice, uninterrupted sleep tonight! Otherwise I might go batsh@$t crazy at work and start throwing cakes at customers like I was a monkey at the zoo.
Well, except they don't throw cake.
