There hasn't been anything I've put in it that it doesn't like (that's a plus)
I get a definite signal when I'm full (RARELY physically felt full before surgery) so no overeating
Haven't had any issues with acid
Haven't had any issue with pain.
I feel satisfied at every meal. Its just a huge change.
The steroid issues I had are getting so much better
I have lots of energy.
I am just finally on my way back to health. I almost feel like i'm turning back time.
Haha I've been doing liquids for so long, I forgot I could eat eggs for breakfast, duh! Oh well - tomorrow
I've hit that stall period, so I've put the scale away for 10 days. Not a big deal to me, I knew it was coming
I'm so very anxious to get my sleeve so time is CRAWLING by. But of course, there's the nerves and the jitters, which makes time FLY by. Will I be ready? Is my liver shrinking enough? I mean, I haven't even gotten to my Dr's requirements - they haven't started yet, but I started on my own doing a very very low fat/low carb diet. I know know know I can do this - but it always crosses my mind - the typical fears and phobias. I do not like being put under. I'm a control freak and I'm not in control if I'm under anesthesia. (Yes, I know I'm not in control if I'm not under general too but the feeling is there!)
I weighed myself this morning - 372.2. I can't wait till that first number is a 2, and then a 1. That will be lovely The feeling of better health that I will get when all is said and done almost seems unreal. To get back to feeling like myself. I have been obese for 4 years. Before that, I was the epitome of health - little did I know, I had something genetic lurking that would change all of that.
I've attached 2 pictures of myself - the one titled 2006 was just before I got diagnosed. I was a size 8-10 depending on what brand of clothes I was wearing. I was running 5 miles a day, lifting weights 3-5 times a week. I was so healthy. It can change in an instant.
The second picture was at my brother's wedding with my now husband. I was a 10-12 in that picture. But I looked good! More importantly, I felt good. This was right around when I started running. I want to get back there.
Got home last night - felt great after getting off the plane. The walk through the airport was another story - the airport is under construction so the signs don't actually send you in the right direction - must have literally walked a mile to get out of there to get to the shuttle to get to the car. I was pretty tired by then and getting irritable.
Once we got outside though , the cool air reinvigorated me and I felt pretty good. I drove us home from the airport and my doggies were very happy to see us. Hubby did a good job keeping them from jumping up on me. Usually they sit in the recliner with me on my lap, which can't happen right now, so they're bummed and frankly, so am I about that Ah well, soon enough
I showered today and cleaned my inscisions and recovered the one that my bra touches and also the one with the drain - I'll steri strip that one in a day or two - but it still has a little bit of drainage from it. Everything seems to look good - only one inscision is tender and that's the biggest one. I'm minding that.
I take my temp regularly to ensure i don't have a fever and I'm good to go.
Things are going very well
Wow 10 days to go - I've kinda got butterflies in my stomach. I was trying to remember back to how I felt with my last surgery - I had a very large tumor removed from my breast a little over a year ago - there was so much other crap going on tho, I didn't really have time to worry about the procedure - and I was awake for it. I also was in my hometown and went home 20 minutes after the procedure - (I sat up as they were wheeling me to recovery, enjoyed the ride and had some crackers and ginger ale literally on the ride from the OR to recovery. They monitored me for 10 minutes, I got dressed and left. I'm pretty good at the recovery stuff. I know it won't be that easy this time, but hopefully, it'll be on the easier side
I'm wondering - for those that have had the sleeve - do you actually feel like...empty? Like you're missing something physically out of your body?
I was eating dinner last night and I had a sneak attack sneeze and swallowed something before I had finished chewing it completely. It got stuck, and the slime commenced. There was a little pressure-like pain - but once the sliming started, the pain was so much less. I started sipping water and while that may have made a little more slime, it certainly seemed to dislodge the food and slow the sliming. I didn't throw up at all and the whole episode lasted maybe 5 or 6 minutes. Total freak occurrence!
Don't get me wrong it was gross, but it wasn't like my body didn't tell me it was coming, I got to the bathroom in plenty of time and didn't have any mess to clean up.
Glad I paid attention to my body! I can see how that could be embarrassing if it happened in public and all!
Today was an unwich from Jimmy Johns. The bootlegger sub - no bread. I ate about 1/3 of it. So tasty. 3 meals for 7 bucks - can't beat that
So my family wants me to write a cookbook of all of my recipes. I have a lot of custom recipes that they absolutely love. Most of them are ultra healthy but don't taste like it. Even some of my desserts are quite healthy I think I'm going to do it.
I might also do a cookbook for small portions with the same recipes and others that i come up with. Might be a lot of fun
I love love love to bake - but don't really eat anything I bake, other than a bite or two - then I give it all away. Holidays are fun - I send so much stuff to family and friends. I like the fact that I can still do that - and I'm going to work on altering some of my more...rich recipes to be more healthy and smaller portions.
So I've decided, every pound I lose, I put a marble in a jar. Every marble will be worth 10 bucks. When I hit goal, that'll be 2 grand. That's my trip to Alaska
Last night I had cream of mushroom soup - I pureed the hell out of the mushrooms with an immersion blender. Worked great!
For breakfast, I had the same, but I added a little bit of cheese to melt in it. It sat kinda heavy in my stomach, so I'll hold off on doing that again.
Lunch is cream of potato - also pureed. Its devine. Its sitting just fine :smile1: So I guess I just wasn't ready for cheesy yet. No biggie :smile1: I'll give it a couple days and try again :smile1:
Just got a new project for work too - requires a lot more in-depth research than the previous project, and I'm not relying on other people to find things for me - makes my life so much easier! yay!
We're getting a snowstorm here so the roads are free of people and full of snow, so hubby and I are gonna go do a little retail therapy so I can get my walk in
Gotta love being from snow-ville and living in an area where people are afraid of snow
Okay - weight this morning was 374.4
I was hoping for less, but dinner was salty last night. I'm feeling a visitor coming along too - oh well, as long as I'm doing the right thing - what the scale says doesn't matter - its gonna be singing a different tune very soon anyway.
I got up this morning and got dressed for my job interview today. WHAT A MESS! None, and I mean NONE of my clothes fit me - some were too small (granted I was expecting that) but the ones I JUST BOUGHT were too big. And not tuck here or pin there too big - TOO FREAKING BIG. I had to run to Kohls and buy new clothes because I had NOTHING to wear! I put on a pair of pants that, I was going to wear to Mexico for surgery less than 3 weeks ago and they were just too tight - not comfortable at all. Today, they're too big. I mean TOO BIG! Like awkwardly too big! I'm so excited about this! I wonder if i still have the receipt....
I had some cream of mushroom soup. It was delish! I pureed the hell out of the mushrooms instead of straining them - good choice. A little fiber goes a long way haha. I ate probably 1/2 to 2/3 a cup of soup slowly and stopped when I felt full. I'm quite satisfied with the meal and so far, my tummy has not had a problem with anything I've given it. I even had part of a protein shake today at lunch - It wasn't my favorite thing - but it didn't come back up or even give me any trouble. Just kinda sat a little heavy at first. It became easier as I continued on it.
I'm still feeling better and better every day. I weighed myself - down another couple pounds Always makes me feel better - but I don't let the scale not moving make me feel worse
Went for a long drive yesterday - had to get out of the damn house. I work at home and while it sounds neato fantastic, its really a bore. I don't have any coworkers or even really a boss that I talk to. I have zero human interaction and I'm a totally social person. Hopefully that'll change soon!
I have officially tired of chicken. This has lead me to find new dinner ideas - and even go back to some old staples. I made hommade pizza for dinner. This was about the only thing my step mom ever made for dinner that was tasty. I never tire of it. Its got so much meaty and veggie goodness on it. I just don't eat the crust. The pizza is about an inch thick - just piled high with lean meats and veggies and some cheese. My hubby loves it and he eats the crust too - I make it at home and he loves it works out great
Our other thing is Applebees or Ruby Tuesday. Applebees has great steaks I usually get the garlic sirloin with broccoli and sauteed mushrooms and onions. The whole meal is about 500 calories and its about 3-4 meals for me. Yesterday we ordered and the hubby went to go get - they screwed up on our meals so they replaced them, so now we have tons of leftovers in the fridge. One thing I never get tired of is red meat - and considering I get anemic so easily, I'm not going to complain about all that yummy goodness in the fridge
I cannot wait til hunting season. I will be filling my freezer with elk and mule deer. Hopefully, we'll have a chance at a bison as well. If I never have to eat meat from a store again, I'll be happy
I do have a confession though - I'm not a big infomercial person, but I did buy a nu-wave oven. I thought it would be good for the hubby when he was travelling in hotel rooms to be able to cook something quickly, etc. Well - I LOVE the damn thing. You can do anything in it! If you warm something up - like takeout or whatever, it tastes EXACTLY like it did when you first got it. I'm in love with the thing. Oh- and you can also cook frozen meat in it and its delicious. I think that's my favorite - forgetting to pull something out for dinner and resorting to pizza or fast food is no longer an excuse - pop in a frozen steak or something and its good to go
I had chinese food for dinner - I don't eat rice so I always just get extra broccoli with my chicken. It was VERY yummy. I'm freezing my leftovers so I can eat it whenever I want
I got crab ragoons too - tossed the wonton and ate the stuffing out of it hah.
I made chili for dinner and its going down absolutely great. I can't eat much, but it is my first meal with meat - and my sleeve is taking it just fine. That's very good news to me
Thus far, nothing has given me any trouble and I'm so thankful for that.
Hubby was very happy to have a nice hot meal waiting for him today - he had a rough day at work.
Went to costco and got more protein shakes - got vanilla this time because my syrups came in and now I can do whatever flavor I wanna!
Gonna try eggs tomorrow for breakfast.
Today, I didn't have the fatigue mid-morning like I did the other days. Step in the right direction! I'm getting better and better every day I'll be making an appointment to remove my stitches soon. Can't wait
Starting protein shakes tonite
I finally added before and in progress pics. Took a lot for me to do that. Feel good about it now though
I don't think I even look like the same person - not even in the least. I know I don't feel like that person anymore
Its been a while since I've been here - I've been trying to pop in once in a while when I get the chance, but I've been so busy! I have now officially dropped over 70 lbs since I started my preop, and over 50 since surgery 3 months ago. I have had no complications, my skin is bouncing back thus far (I know I'll need to have some work done later but I'm good with that) - I have energy, I have enthusiasm and I have the best future ahead of me.
I have been staying away from the scale - about every 3 weeks I weigh myself. I weighed myself the other day and I was at 314, and that's with a few pounds of bloat since its that time of the month. I'll weigh myself again in a few weeks to see where I'm at - I don't wanna see a 3 as that first number the next time I step on the scale.
I haven't had much opportunity to really incorporate additional exercise other than being a billion times more active than normal to my routine, but I'm getting there. As soon as i was able to, I of course tweaked my shoulder. But I'm feeling better and will be getting the exercise roaring very soon.
I have noticed some of my tastes change - I still crave red meat - that will never change. The large majority of what I eat has always been lean protein, but now....those "guilty pleasure" items - mac and cheese, potatoes, anything really starchy just doesn't do it for me anymore. I really dig that. Hubby and I went out to breakfast at Cracker Barrel and I had their egg sandwich, which I ate the 2 eggs and had a bite of the hashbrown casserole and a small bite of hubby's pancakes and they just didn't satisfy me - I just wanted the eggs!
Wow - i just got distracted by Maks on DWTS - (watching the results show on the DVR and he was dancing to "Let's get it on" good thing watching him dance is calorie free - in fact I think I just burned a few calories watching that! haha!)
Anyway! back to what I was saying! I've gone down in clothes sizes, I have the steering wheel all the way down in the car (my legs used to hit it), I sit in booths and feel small in them, there ain't a chair my butt won't fit in and I even sleep better and don't need as much sleep as I did for so long, I fit comfortably in the bathtub to take a bath (one of my favorite things) I'm wearing clothes I havent worn in years. I put on a pair of heels and not only did they fit my feet, they didn't hurt my feet. I'm getting my shoes back! Yay! Right now, I weigh less than I have in about 4 years. I cannot believe the progress. Once I got those f**king tumors out of my body, I'm feeling so much better - the only rage I have is that I couldn't get it done sooner. However, I have come to terms with that for the most part. I think that with the breast cancer scare, the steroid tumors, nearly losing my marriage, all the trials and tribulations that my husband and I went through with losing our jobs and our employer stealing tens of thousands of dollars from us has made us stronger individually and as a couple. Nothing in my life that I wanted has EVER come easily - but I tell you what - I have more appreciation for everything I have brought to myself than most people I know - and I will FIGHT for it. I cannot describe what all of these battles have done for me as a person. I'm glad that I got to know so many people here. I'm glad that I had the surgeon I did. While I'm not glad that our previous employer stole so much money from us, I'm glad of the outcome that we ended up where we did with the careers that we have now.
I am decidedly in love with my husband and we love our life and what we have to offer to the world. We can't wait to see what happens next. Many that I talk to about this wonder how having to have surgery to have tumors and the majority of my stomach removed could be the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. I just smile and tell them that they haven't lived my life
What I do know is that life is good and its getting GREAT
If you can't tell - I'm very excited about the future.
About 2/3 of the way through the day and I'm feeling fine. Drank some broth and some cranberry juice today. I know i need to get in more calories, its just difficult to do with a limited selection. Gonna be able to do creamies tomorrow. I could have today I'm sure but I'm a to-the-letter kind of person with things like this. Almost done with antibiotics - just a couple more days THANK GOD. Pill cutters are your friends. Don't try to crush and dissolve - it tastes like I'm licking a paint brush full of latex paint.
Feeling even better today. Mid mornings I get fairly tired - trying to find my groove of calorie intake while i'm still in this liquid stage. Today was the first day that I was truly hungry several times throughout the day. The broth and jello was quite fulfilling. Its amazing. I HATED chicken noodle soup and brothy ANYTHING before my surgery, but I really do like this chicken broth from Noodles and Company. Funny how things change
Went to the grocery store and got some stuff to finish out this week and to start my full liquids on Friday. Picked up some stuff for dinner for hubby too. He doesn't need to keep eating out - Lord knows he's not gonna cook!
He's finally getting better about eating in the same room as me. It doesn't bother me, but it does bother him. Its not a big deal to me. I'm able to satisfy my hunger with my allowed foods now. If I wasn't able to, that might be another story. As the diet progresses, we'll be eating much of the same things - other than I'll never eat rice and he wants red beans and rice for dinner - so no problem making that for him
I'm down over 30 lbs since I started my preop. I feel great about that. I'm eating okay and getting in a walk every day. stitches come out tomorrow. Yay!
So, while I know better than to live life by the scale, I did buy one. I owned one previously, but I just moved and I can't find a damned thing. I figured it was probably time for a new one anyway. So I did a little research to find a nice and accurate one. I stepped on the scale and wasn't surprised really - wel, I thought it might have said a higher number than it did with the holidays, etc - although I didn't really indulge. But I haven't exactly been on my best behavior since moving here - a lot of eating out since...well...I can't find anything! Nah - we got the kitchen mostly figured out now - I've been sick for about 4 of the 6 weeks I've been here though, so its been more takeout than it should have been.
Anyway - no excuses any longer. I have my grocery list for tonight. I've stocked up for post-op, have protein shakes ordered. I have 3 weeks to go before surgery, so I'm going to start this now. Because i don't believe in weighing in other than first thing in the morning. I will start with tomorrow morning. I know I'll have some ups and downs - I'm dealing with that "monthly" visitor coming twice every 5 weeks - lemme tell ya. Its NOT fun. I can't wait till all this is over and I can convince a doc to just take out everything that doesn't work.
That's kinda my whole deal on deciding on the sleeve. If its not working for me, why keep it? I don't want to reroute anything - I don't feel comfortable with that. I want to be a runner again and that means being able to eat foods that don't necessarily work with a bypass. Not really comfortable with the whole plumbing change anyway - someone put a lot of thought into the initial design- I'm going for the remodel The band was originally my first choice when I hit 260 lbs. But then I couldn't get approval and the weight just kept piling on. When my doctor told me that there really wasn't anything I could do about it until I got treatment for the steroid tumors, I was really quite depressed and didn't help the situation by not paying much attention to what I ate. I mean, really - what's the point? I could eat lettuce all day and I would still gain weight because of the tumors - why not have cheesecake....for lunch. Yup, I definitely deserve the assist on this one. And I've come to terms with that. And I have now forgiven myself for not being more in control of something I could partially control. I've always been so "all or nothing".
I've tried so many times to get to the OR and every single time someone else has pulled the rug out from under me. I didn't sabotage myself in those instances. Well, one time I did walk away because I was NOT comfortable with the surgeon or the technique, but I think that was for the better. Definitely a plus to me. The other times, I got "not medically necessary" from an insurance company that obviously doesn't understand medical necessity (although, for one of those I was glad - because I was trying for the band - glad I didn't get it) The other times were due to insurance loss. I lost my job and so did my husband - we paid COBRA for his insurance and his company didn't process it correctly so we missed the deadline for the insurance to be valid - they kept the money - I nearly killed someone. The next time, I was going through the process and the company I worked for changed insurance and it was no longer covered. The last one was prime tho. I had pretty good insurance. I had to wait a certain amount of time because I had a tumor (non-cancerous) removed from my breast. I finally found a great surgeon I liked. Got all the preop stuff out of the way. Got my surgery date. It was in 4 weeks! Soooooo excited! Then I got a bill in the mail because my company had stopped paying my insurance premiums without telling me. Then the company folded and not only did I lose my insurance, but my husband and I lost 15 THOUSAND dollars in payroll/invoices owed to us. We both worked for the same company. So not only did I not have any insurance, I certainly didn't have the money to pay for the surgery out of pocket, or the bills that I had acquired up til then. Now I'm suing that company.
BUT! We moved halfway across the country, I'm working for myself, my husband has a GREAT job with really CRAPPY insurance. But I can self-pay in Mexico. That's why I feel in control now
So while the weigh ins start tomorrow, the crap eating has already stopped. I mean, I haven't ate really crappy in a long time. But it'll be even better now. I'm officially pre-op. Gotta do this right!
When I was a kid, I really didn't know we were poor. Most kids don't. I had a mother, father and siblings. We ate just fine, usually what was brought home from the restaurant mom worked at (that seemed like a treat, really), or whatever Dad had hunted (again, never a complaint there - still love wild game). I remember when I started kindergarden, I used to go to the neighbors to wait for the bus because both of my parents left for work early. My dad left for work at like 5 am. I can remember him waking me up at about 4:30 to brush my hair and put me back to bed. I had really long curly hair and my little arms couldn't reach that far. He'd brush my hair and wrap it in a towel so it would stay nice. My mother hated my hair and refused to brush it, so my dad did it. I remember sitting there and trying to hide the sound of my stomach growling. The neighbors, who also were our "daycare" during the summer and after school are actually now my step-grandparents. Well, Grandpa could hear my stomach growling one morning and made me an egg and a piece of toast. I'd never had an egg like that! I'd never sopped up the yolk with my toast like he did! This was cool! And I felt better! Lunch of course was at school and dinner with the family. My mother never thought to feed her 5 year old breakfast. She never forgot to eat herself, though. After a few years, my parents divorced and we kids were left with our mother. My mother's first act of vengeance against my father was to take me to a hair stylist and cut off all my hair. She even said "let's see what he thinks of his little girl now". I cried. She spanked me. My dad cried too. I grabbed some of my hair and shoved it in my pocket as it fell from my head. He still to this day has that lock of my hair from that haircut. As time went on, my mother still didn't provide breakfast. There wasn't really food in the house. We usually sustained on rice, instant mashed potatoes made with water instead of milk, and popcorn. All 3 of which I still don't eat to this day. She worked at a restaurant, so she ate there. Many times, she'd come home and take my sisters out to dinner, leaving me at home. I remember coming home sick from school one day. I had thrown up all over the place after lunch. My grandpa took me home and I went in the shower and he went to get me a change of clothes. He asked me where all my clothes were. I told him I didn't really have any. He called his wife (she worked at the department store in town) and told her. She came home with underwear and socks and some shirts and pants for me. Boy was my mom mad at me.
I started babysitting for the lady down the road when I was about 11. She used to feed me and even gave me some clothes. She would just happen to have stuff that wouldn't fit her (she was a larger lady) but she was sure that would fit me. Amazingly it did. I didn't realize it then, but she was going out and buying things and hanging them in her closet and would ask me to help her clean her closet. Pretty much whatever money I made babysitting, my mother would take. She said she needed it. Just like when she would send me to beg my dad for the child support check. I was in my ratty hand-me-down clothes. But she had a new outfit to go out in that night with her friends. My sisters found their ways out. One sister went to stay with my dad. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere. I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone. I wasn't old enough to decide.
My other sister pretty much ran away. She had older friends and she was always with them. Sometimes they would take me too and get me something to eat and make me feel like I was wanted. I was sick a lot, mostly from being malnourished, but I also had medical problems that weren't attended to. My sister's friend used to wrap me in blankets on their couch and sing to me until I fell asleep. That lasted for a little while - by 14 my sister was pregnant.
I remember my mother dragging me out of bed at 3am on a school night to go find my sister at some random guys' house. She was a wildchild and who knew where we might find her. My mother would drive and I would have to go knock on doors at 3am and drag my sister out of strange mens beds. All she was looking for was a warm meal and some comfort. My sister got pregnant. I got grounded. The day my mother found out my sister was pregnant (she was 7 months along and hiding it from no one but my mother - everyone knew) I got grounded and my sister went to a party. She was in a car accident and nearly killed herself AND the baby.
I knew at this point I had to get out of there for my own survival. When I was babysitting one night, I used the phone there to call my dad. I told him EVERYTHING. He told me to go home and not say anything to my mom, he was going to think of something. He came and saw me at school a couple days later and told me to pack my things and he would pick me up from school and take me home the next day. I did what he said and packed my bookbag and a paper grocery bag - that was all of my belongings. He told my mother he was taking me and she could try to sue him but he'd turn her in for child abuse and neglect. She still tried to fight him.
I went and stayed with another family (my best friend) while this was going on. They're still my family today. Eventually I went to stay with my dad. I was in shock really. There was always food in the house. I ate everything I could see. I wasn't sure how long the food was going to be there so I tried to take in as much as I could. I gained a lot of weight. After some time, I did come to the realization that the food would just always be there, so I didn't binge anymore. That was my battle with food.
Living at my dad's house was a dream compared to my mothers - but it still wasn't an ideal situation. My step-mom, who, is only 9 years older than me had a very hard time coming to terms with having teenage daughters. She's a very selfish person - admittedly so - and that's why she never had children of her own. Over the years, my sisters have caused some pretty serious upheavals in the family - leaving me kindof as collateral damage. It is what it is - but I would love to have my family back whole. I've worked on that a lot - and I've made a lot of headway
I remember a lot of mornings I would be so very nauseous and I would vomit. My stepmom thought I was faking - or was trying bulimia. She'd search my room for laxatives and of course find nothing - well - once she found cigarettes *oops* She was convinced I was on drugs. I never did drugs. Anyway - we butted heads, but we see pretty eye-to-eye these days. I moved out the day before graduation from high school. I was on my own and never looked back.
Over the years, I battled my weight a bit - my doctor told me that the malnourishment as a child into puberty really wreaked havoc on my endocrine system. But its also why I wasn't diagnosed with Wilsons Disease until I was 30. Myst people are dead by 30 if undiagnosed. But because half of my life I wasn't getting what for most would be proper nutrition, my liver never built up enough copper to show symptoms. Probably all in all a good thing, because I wouldn't have received medical attention in my mothers "care".
I always came out on top in the weight battle - at least until I was diagnosed with Wilson's. Then I was battling steroids and being pretty much bed-ridden.
I'm totally afraid of being hungry - all those thoughts from when I was a kid come back. I've been able to diet before, where, sure I felt hungry, but I knew I could eat more. My sisters both have that fear as well - when they had kids, they bought so much baby food, they ended up giving literally hundreds of jars to the food bank each after their kids were out of the baby food stage. They never wanted their kids to go hungry. When I found out I couldn't have kids, I was more relieved than sad. I was afraid that I might be a monster like my mother was. I know that we all control our own behavior, but it was still a fear inside me. I never thought I was cut out to be a parent - at least not of a young child. I have a very thin patience level - not so much with kids - at least not with my nieces and nephews, godchildren, etc. But its a fear, nonetheless.
I still have a relationship with my mother. I've forgiven, but not forgotten those things. She doesn't quite remember the past that way - she thinks she was a "pretty good mom". I just stay silent. Its not going to do any good to bring it up to her now. She's pretty much put herself one foot in the grave. I've come to terms with that and with her.
But the fear of being hungry is still in the back of my mind. I believe that I could lose all this weight after having the adrenal tumors removed without surgery. But It would be so damned hard to be so damned hungry all the time, I'm not sure what it would do to me psychologically. I don't ever want to have that kind of hunger again. I still remember what it feels like. I see some pictures of me as a little girl and my eyes are so sunken in. I'm emaciated and just....sad.
That's part of the reason I gained so much weight. Along with the steroids packing on the pounds, they increased the feeling of hunger. I totally felt exactly like I did as a little kid and ate everything in sight.
I didn't help my already negative situation. I added to it. I increased the amount of weight i gained because I was afraid of feeling that feeling I did as a kid. I don't wanna do that again.
The sleeve is my tool. Its the tool I've chosen to not have to go through that again. Its not necessarily the food that has the power over me, but part of my past. I know food is an issue because of the hunger, but its about making the right choices and not letting the past get to me.
I'm working on that every day. I never really talked about this much until after I met my husband. We talked about it and then I've talked about it since. My sisters and I have talked to eachother about what happened when we were kids too.
