The main point I want to get across to people considering VSG is this: Regardless of your starting weight, if you are a yo-yo dieter, grazer, food addict and/or compulsive overeater with self-sabotaging tendencies, the surgery alone will not be enough. You will also need to get some form of counseling or treatment to control your compulsive overeating/grazing if you're serious about reaching your goal weight. (Read the symptoms of food addiction, compulsiver overeating here)
Now that that's out the way. Here are my stats:
Beginning weight: Approx. 193.5
Current weight: Approx. 132
Shocker right? I started this journey in the so called "lightweights" category--basically people with a BMI below 35. I only wanted to lose 68 pounds, and so far have lost 61. So what, if anything, went wrong?
Well, first let me say that I do not regret the surgery. Here's the deal: I'm a chronic yo-yo dieter and compulsive overeater. Before the sleeve, I had tried multiple diets in 2011, losing 25 lbs pretty quickly each time. The problem was, each time, I quickly regained the weight that I had lost in a period of days. Those setbacks became pretty discouraging after a while. I did a little research and decided that VSG would solve my problems.
Once I had the surgery, I fell into my normal pattern of periods of intense effort followed by periods of little or no effort towards reaching my goal. That got me to 152 lbs (approx. 41 lbs down) around 3.5 months out. From there, during periods of increased effort, I'd get down into the mid 140s. When I fell off the wagon, I would find my way back to around 152, which appeared to be my ceiling, regardless of how many bad days I had. Again, regardless of how many bad days I had. THAT's the reason why I do not regret this surgery. Were it not for the surgery, my 40 lb loss would have eventually turned into a 60 lb gain. With VSG, the worst case scenario appeared to be gaining back 5 lbs or so to end up back at 152 (I'm sure that over time, my ceiling will creep back up, but that's another issue).
Fast forward a few weeks... I stumbled on to the fact that I might have a mild form of adult attention deficit disorder. I was discouraged by all the projects that I was falling behind in, and I was very unhappy with my tendency to procrastinate and not put forth my best efforts. I met with the psychiatrist who prescribed adderall. I was aware of all the stories about adderall and weight loss, but after failing at weight loss surgery, I had pretty much moved on from thinking that I could lose weight from drugs or any other interventions. My main concern was getting my behavior under control so that I could be more effective at work and at home.
I started taking the medication around June. Within a few months, my schedule had become super busy and I had addressed the issues I had been avoiding for years head on, including home refi, ending a bad relationship, and revamping a few side businesses. But there was another side effect--while the medication was in effect, I was not a food addict. I ate when hungry. At night, when the medication wore off, I would resume grazing and eating just because. Of course, with the sleeve you can only eat so much.
With my food addiction somewhat under control during the day, I have gone on to lose an additional 20 lbs over a period of 4 months. This was with no effort, since I've been so devoted to the projects I'm working on that I haven't made time to workout or follow any particular meal plans. I recently resumed my gym membership and fully intend to start working out again and eating as healthy as possible but I'm trying to get everything else in order first.
I'm not advocating medicine to people suffering from food addiction--I'm advocating any treatment, including group meetings or counseling, that will help keep it under control. It turns out my weight issues are directly related to how much I obsess over food when I'm not hungry---no diet, fat burner, workout plan, or even surgery can solve that problem. However, it's probably not a great idea to just rely on medicine to control food addiction, because when the medication stops, the problem returns. In the end, counseling and coping tools are key to managing the disorder.
Before a few days ago, I had gone over 6 months without having a single cup of plain water! So I've been forcing myself to drink at least 40 oz of plain water a day and I hope to get up to 60oz a day. I'm not sure if it's a coincidence or not, but I immediately dropped a few pounds since starting. It could be due to cutting back on Crystal Light, or it could be due to my dramatic reduction of salt-based seasonings (Dash has some great tasting Salt-Free seasonings!). Probably a little of both!
So tomorrow will be my 6-month surgiversary. I'm not at my goal weight--I'm about 22 lbs away. When I got the surgery, I told myself I would be at goal at or before 6 months.
As far as WHY I'm not at goal? Well, I've pretty much been refusing to follow conventional wisdom--the low carb (under 30g a day) plan. I tried it but the fat content would always send me spiraling out of control with my eating. And the low fat/high protein version of low carb was too difficult (mentally). So I spent a good month or two just splurging on whatever my sleeve could fit--and it turns out, that's just about everything.
Finally, around March 15, I started a plan known as the Alternate Day Diet. Basically, the way the plan works is you eat whatever you want every other day. On "up" days, I can eat anything. There are no calorie limits or anything. On the "down" days, I stick with about 500 calories or less--it's easy to do with the sleeve. I keep it simple by just eating lean chicken or fish. Technically, I eat as much as I want on the down days as well; but with the sleeve, it ends up being 500 calories or less because I can only eat about 2.5 oz of protein at a time. The weight loss on this plan is a lot slower, but now that I'm approaching the one-month mark, I find that I'm not as "crazy" when it comes to food anymore. I feel normal, and I really like the plan, despite the slow weight loss. Slow weight loss is better than no weight loss.
The bottom line is, I just can't deal with being restricted from foods anymore. I know that if I did a crash diet for the next two weeks, I'd have dramatic results. I could do a liquid diet for a month and maybe get close to goal. But I can't make myself do it. At least, not right now. Maybe in a week or two I'll feel differently. But I have made myself jog every day for quite some time now--20 minutes of jogging in place (with the help of Wii Fit).
I am just about 12 weeks post op, and I feel really great about my progress so far.
I love my ticker because it describes how my journey feels right now:
I feel great! The clouds are gone! The storm is gone! The excess weight and inches are gone! Usually at this weight I wear a bigger clothing size, but I'm fitting into clothes that usually fit when I'm 5 to 10 pounds slimmer. I've been jogging (in place on the Wii) for 20 mins about 3 times a week on average, and I've tried to keep my protein intake high. Of course, I'm not doing as well with the holidays, and I'm also very sick right now.
I just wanted to post a positive blog about my experience with VSG surgery. I think it was my best option for losing weight without being able to sabotage all of my progress in 2 weeks!
Good luck to everyone and happy New Year!
(Don't read this if the mention of food triggers you...)
Tomorrow, I will be 9 weeks post op. I've experienced a lot of ups and downs since getting the surgery...
Right now, I'm under a LOT of pressure. One of my best friends is getting married in February, and instead of getting measured for my dress in person, I told them to order my dress in size 10! Mind you, I began my journey at size 16/18.
I expected that by next February, I would be at least 45 lbs lighter than my pre-surgery weight; and in the past, I wore a size 10 at that weight. So I'm really worried about screwing up things by not being able to fit in the dress.
Of course, whenever I feel stressed, my inner saboteur emerges. I've tested the limits of my sleeve in astonishing ways. I'm ashamed that I reverted to certain behaviors so soon after surgery. For many days, I've felt like a complete failure--like I had myself chopped up for no reason.
I learned that my sleeve can tolerate just about anything. Prior to surgery, I was hoping it would stop me from eating most foods, especially the ones I like. Unfortunately, that is not the case. The one thing I haven't tried yet is bread, but I've tried pies, desserts, ice cream, and even pasta!
After feeling sorry for myself for a few days, I decided to pick myself up and try again. Unlike before surgery, the damage from my trysts with junk food was minimal--although I'm sure my momentum was thrown off quite a bit.
The first thing I had to do was hide my scale for a while. For some reason, I get thrown off--regardless of what the scale says, good or bad. So I took a break from the scale.
Secondly, I had to remind myself that everyone warned that WLS required work. People worked their butts off to get to goal. It wasn't going to come easy. So with that in mind, I've cleaned up my act. It's only been a few days, but I feel really motivated and I'm avoiding traps that have taken me off track in the past.
The thing is, I know I'm impatient, but the popular way of eating to get the goal around here didn't seem to be working for me (Atkins style eating with 60g protein/less than 30g of carbs). Maybe I just needed to give it a few days, but the stalls sent me spiraling out of control. I ended up having to modify my plan to low calorie, low fat, low carb, high protein. I know that way of eating is controversial, but it works for me and I'm taking the proper precautions (potassium supplement every few days, vitamins, and plenty of fluids). I hate that it feels like I'm on another crazy diet, but at the same time, it takes a lot just to get in the little bit that I eat. I couldn't eat more even if I wanted to while on this plan (for me it's an either or thing---either I'm all on plan, or completely off with no concerns for protein intake).
At some point soon, I will have to get counseling. I've been putting it off. The woman I want to see is also a hypnotherapist... I don't think counseling alone will be enough.
OK, I'm done blabbing for now!
So, against my better judgment I've been weighing in everyday since surgery. The first week I was very disappointed because when I finally weighed in on Day 5 or so, I had only lost something like 8 pounds. I thought to myself, "I could have lost this in two days doing Stillman's Diet!" Then I got over it and the losses continued, and now I've lost 17.2 lbs. The thing is, for the past few days, the loss has been lower and lower until this morning when it only showed a 0.2 lb drop. From my pre-surgery research, I know all about the stalls that occur 2 to 3 weeks post op (I am on my first day of Week 3).
Still, I can't help but feel like I need to eat a little more. I'm sick of the liquids every day! I'm ready to jump to purees! And it doesn't help when I see that people who went to other surgeons are starting solids now! I'm now wondering what if any harm would come by fast-forwarding this process...
Last night I came on to this site, and I ended up reading a couple of my past blog entries.
A little over a week ago, I was desperately wanting and hoping to get sleeved. After reading that, I felt a little silly about the complaining I've been doing so early on in the process. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into. I was able to get this procedure done with no complications (so far), and I should be grateful, not miserable!
So that's the way I felt before going to bed. However, I woke up really early to stressful thoughts that were unrelated to WLS and my diet. For the past 7 days, I haven't been able to run to food for comfort, so now I'm having to face issues that were really bothering me before. I had a mini-breakdown when I realized just how stressed and overwhelmed I felt with regard to all the changes that have taken place in my life over the past 3 years. With the economy crashing and destroying the value of my home, to the stress of work, to being a first time mom and being in a relationship I'm not happy in. But, the strange thing is that after my breakdown, I was fine. Even though my problems had not been resolved, I was able to face the pain I was in rather than turn to food.
This morning, after thinking about what happened, I decided to dig up the book I bought but never read, it's called Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. I'm going to read a chapter a day and try to resolve the lingering issues I have. I planned to start meeting with a therapist, but I must admit, I'm kind of skeptical of whether that would actually help me or not.
As for my progress on the clear liquids, I did very well yesterday. I think the "eat first- log later" approach worked much better than trying to pre-plan all my meals the day before. We'll see...
So yesterday was Day 5, and it was the first day that I woke up in my own bed since surgery in Mexicali. I had an ambitious menu planned for how I would get all my protein in. Since I can't consume more than a sip of liquid at a time without feeling awful, I set my phone to chime every 15 to 20 minutes to remind myself to take another sip.
Not only that, but I woke up at around 6:45am and took what was supposed to be a 15 minute walk, which actually ended up a 33 minute walk! OK, so far so good. But then around 11am or so, I felt confident enough to drive about 5 miles away to run some errands. I made a foolish decision to put on a girdle because I thought that would hold everything together well (sort of like a compression garment). The problem is, it was way too tight. 5 minutes into my ride I was really regretting my decision. I was really uncomfortable and worried that I had done damage to my stomach. OK fast forward. I got back home, and continued on plan.
By afternoon, my timer became unbearable. The gas was annoying. I was doing a lot more physical activity than I had planned, with my baby and also with climbing the stairs back and forth. By midnight, I had not met my nutritional goals. I was exhausted and for the first time in my life, I had a new thought: Food was a nuisance. I no longer had control of what I ate, my sleeved stomach did. And meals were no longer fun or appealing.
Last night when I went to bed, I thought to myself, I'm not going to even bother with the timer. I'll just sip when I'm hungry. But I know that's not the right way to go about it. So here I am, once again, with the Isopure zero punch by my side, hoping today will be better. I just looked at my food log again, and I actually didn't do that bad as far as getting my protein in. I got approximately 71 grams (I originally thought it was around 60, but I forgot to add the punch). Today I'm taking it easy, no long walks, driving, or anything else. Today will just be a restful day (hopefully).
but something about the idea of getting sleeved in two days seems a little too surreal... like it's too good to be true... I feel like something will go wrong at the last moment. Like maybe my pre-op test will show something crazy and my surgery will be canceled, making my trip to Mexico a colossal waste of time. I don't know why-- I've been so blessed in my life, but a part of me always feels like things won't work out for me. Like a negative outlook or something.
Not only that, but I've done my part to sabotage everything. Even though I wanted to do a pre-op diet, I completely failed in that effort. Completely and utterly. The sleeve is my last hope, but my fear right now is returning to Atlanta, fat and unsleeved.
As I get closer to surgery, my mind keeps trying to get me back into "last supper mode." A part of me keeps saying, "just eat what you want until surgery since you weren't given any rules!"
Also, I keep moving the goal post. First I said I wanted to eat low calorie/low carb for two weeks pre-op. Then I said 8 days pre-op. Now I feel the need to move it to 7 days pre-op (to get one last slice of pie ). I feel out of control and stressed out. I feel very discouraged right now because I'm wondering how I will handle the sleeve if I can't get my thinking together. I wish I could see a counselor before going, but I don't have the time now. I kind of wish I was in a local bariatric program where they provide the counseling and guidance. I've had none of that. I'm basically just going to be flying into the unknown on Friday and then sent back home.
I'm 99.9% sure that I will follow the post-op guidelines (I've buckled down in the past with no problems). I think my number one objective should be to take things ONE DAY AT A TIME. Sometimes I think way too far ahead and stress myself out unnecessarily. Thoughts like, what if this doesn't work, etc etc. The moment I start having doubts about something, the first thing I want to do is EAT.
The hardest part about chronic "dieting" is fighting cravings that pop up when I'm in social situations.
For example, yesterday, I wanted to pack up my baby and visit my mother's house so she could spend time with her grandson. But I didn't go. I didn't go because I was afraid I would end up falling off my low carb plan. For one, I could have been "ambushed" with a pizza or dessert that they had. Or, oftentimes my parents stress me out with their comments, etc., so that could have led me to emotional eating. Third, just being around them makes me want to eat. I associate their house with eating. Unfortunately, my parents frequently indulge in cakes and high calorie foods.
Now take today. Suddenly my SO decides that he wants us to visit a church that is an hour away. Of course, I'm panicking. I went ahead and cooked my food for today, but I'm worried that the road trip will make me fall off plan. I associate long car rides with being able to stop for food.
I know that this is not the way to live--either overeating with no restrictions, or eating right, but avoiding everyone and staying at home. My hope is that by the time I'm 6 months post op, I will be at my goal weight and I will never have to dodge a social situation again due to fear of breaking a diet and/or weight gain. My hope is that the sleeve will allow me to eat just a little of whatever is available or whatever I choose, and then I get full and that's it. Or, if that's not possible, just make it so that I'm so afraid to eat certain foods that I bring my own foods with me.
For a couple weeks after deciding that I wanted to get the sleeve, I couldn't control my eating. I ate so much! It was ridiculous! I think a lot of it was "last supper syndrome," and also doubt. In the back of my mind, I was hoping for an effortless quick fix. When I read more and learned that I would still have to put in hard work, I think that bothered me also.
I'm finally at peace with the fact that the surgery won't solve all of my problems without effort. I'm now ready and willing to do everything I have to, especially in the first 6 months, to ensure success. I'm also going to meet with a counselor to help me work through the problems that cause me to overeat. I'm not sure which route will be best-- a hypnotherapist or a traditional psychologist?
Now that I'm 2 weeks pre-op, I suddenly am a lot more focused, calm, and able to control my eating. Don't get me wrong. I didn't do it on my own. Yesterday, which was my first day of change, I literally had to pray every few hours just to keep my mind in check. When the "food addiction" thing takes over, no amount of pills or anything can stop me. Prayer is the only thing that works when I'm that out of control. And even then, it's a huge struggle. I can't say with 100% certainty that I'll make it through today without indulging in junk. In the past I've been so sure and then failed. But I will do the best that I can.
Last night I thought about my goals as far as weight loss, and I feel so much better now that my path has been set. Yesterday, I weighed in at 188 pounds. My first mini goal is to get to 145 pounds. That would but me at a BMI of 27.3-- still overweight, but I look good at that weight. Everything I lose after that will be like a bonus. My ultimate goal, however, is 125 pounds.
Since the moment the idea of surgery came into my mind, I've been overeating--I always kind of overeat, but I've really been overeating lately. It's as if a part of me wants to eat as much as possible before surgery. Or, maybe I'm eating because I'm excited and nervous about what's to come.
At any rate, tomorrow, I'm going to begin my own version of a pre-op diet, even though the doctor said it was optional. My plan is to just keep things low calorie. I was going to do low carb, but since I'm so out of control, I need to have yogurt and TV dinners that I can just pop in the microwave. With TV dinners, I'll have no excuse for getting off plan. Then, I will probably transition into cooking again in the final 10 days before surgery, and at that point, I can do low carb. I'm also going to begin working out tomorrow. A friend and I plan to climb Stone Mountain. Good luck to me!
OK, so tonight as I was settling in upstairs, I turned on the news and they were covering a plane crash at an air show. I guess it got to me, because I began to feel anxiety about the upcoming flight to San Diego for my sleeve surgery. The part that bothers me is that my sister is coming too, so it wouldn't just be me. She has a son too, so both of our boys would be without moms if anything bad happened .
Before that, I was downstairs with my baby and "fiance." He has been acting really different ever since I told him I was doing the surgery whether he liked it or not. He's trying to eat healthy all of a sudden, and it seems like he's being a lot nicer because I guess he knows what I'll look like if my VSG is a success... (yes, I do feel somewhat resentful about our situation but that's another story)...
But... what if it isn't a success?
What if I don't lose weight? What if the loss is really really slow and everyone piles on with criticism about what a bad decision I made? Now that he and everyone knows what I'm doing, it adds to my pressure to succeed. But, unfortunately, I don't do well under pressure. At least I can't do what I used to do and eat my way back up the moment I'm discouraged.
Other fears:
I read a shocking statistic: The mortality rate for gastric surgery is 1 in 200!!! The article I read said the risk increased the heavier the person is due to blood clots. I'm not too heavy, but I will be on a 4.5 hour plane ride a few days after surgery. I guess I need to sit near the bathroom so I can walk around as much as possible on the flight.
I guess now that my surgery date is set (October 8th), I'm starting to do my usual fight or flight/self sabotage routine. I haven't sent off my deposit check yet, but I did pay $800 for our plane tickets. I told myself I'm going to give myself the weekend to really be sure I want to go through with this. I'm 99.99% sure that I'll send off the deposit on Monday.
I cannot wait to schedule my surgery! Since I've decided on this surgery, I've been eating more and more. Tomorrow I'm going to attempt to begin a pre-op plan--nothing major, just mostly low carb until my surgery date.
The only thing holding me up from setting a date is I'm waiting for my PCP to tell me the results of my complete blood count. I have a history of anemia that I thought I overcame for the most part, but I haven't checked on it in a while, and I wasn't taking vitamins until I decided to get this surgery.
So I've been thinking about the pros and cons of this surgery:
Pros:
Have a chance to get and stay at my goal weight. I know it'll take work on my end as well, and in the past, I've shown that I can be dedicated and consistent, but I just need something to catch me when I fall
Everything that comes with being slim--I'll enjoy shopping, new hair styles, etc
Possibly lowering my chances of getting obesity related illnesses
Cons:
i think my biggest fear is how it might affect any future kids I have. Would I be able to get the right amount of nutrients in? From what I'm reading, everything should be fine as long as I take vitamins. I'm willing to take a prenatal vitamin every day for the remainder of my child bearing years if necessary (which won't be much longer, considering I'm about to be 32).
In addition, it is recommended that you wait 18 months before having a baby. Well, I'm about to be 32. In 18 months, I'll be approaching 34! The older I get, the older my eggs will be, and the more chances of complications. Also, I was hoping my son would have a brother (or sister) close to his age.
Acid reflux! On my first (and only) pregnancy, I got a taste of what acid reflux was like. It was horrible! One night I was awakened to acid going up my nose! Worst. Feeling. Ever. I think I even cried one night because I was so frustrated. The question is: Am I willing to possibly experience acid reflux for the rest of my life in exchange for being slim? Honestly, I think so. I'm at the point now where I ordered pills off the internet that have foreign labeling and I have no idea what's *really* in it. I was willing to risk my life to lose weight, so I should be willing to deal with acid reflux, right?
The usual surgery risks. There's a chance of dying or something going wrong during any surgery. Of course, there's a risk when I drive to the grocery store as well. Yes, this worries me, especially since I have a child now. But I honestly feel like I can't give my son my best when I feel like hiding under a rock all the time.
To be continued...
To make a long story short, for days I had been telling myself that I would begin yet another diet on September 1, and that this time I wouldn't stop until I reached goal. By day 2, I had already messed up. Day 3, I messed up again. Day 4, I knew in my heart that I would never get to my goal weight. Something had to give.
My first idea was to get my jaw wired shut for 12 weeks so that I could do a liquid diet. I was literally picking out plane tickets, but something started to worry me: If I were successful after the jaw wiring... how would I maintain my weight loss? How would I be sure that I wouldn't put the weight back on? After all, I've lost and regained 20 lbs at least 4 times this year alone since the birth of my son.
Then I started to think that the lap band would be perfect for me. I mentioned it to my sister and she talked me out of it, using the same arguments I used with her 2 years ago when she was considering it! LOL. It's funny, I had forgotten all about those things!
My sister said if I wanted to go the WLS route, I should do the sleeve. So that's why I'm here.
I want to get this done right away. I don't know if my insurance covers it, but I doubt it. Even if it did, they would never approve me because I don't have a documented history of obesity. In 2008 I was in the 140s. In 2009 I was in the 150s. Didn't get back to the 180s until I became pregnant. Yet, the only reason why my weight was lower in those years was because I was on diet pills and constantly dieting. My highest weight ever was around 215 lbs in 2004. Basically, I'm tired. I lost my 20s to this battle, and I don't want to spend my 30s fighting this. I can't succeed on my own. I know that now.
