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My Journey

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Loosing Hope

I have not been on any sites lately because I am getting negativity all around me. So now I am hoping that I can get some positivity from someone. OK, so I decided that I wanted WLS this summer, went to a seminar got all the info. Then I went to my doctor, she did not like the Dr. that I went to the seminar with, and suggested another doc. This doc has a better bedside manner, but she was not as experienced with the Gastric sleeve as the other, plus she is booked until next summer. So I went back to the doctor that I picked went through the process, did my psych and nutritional assessment, checked on my status, they still have not received my doc recommendation. So I called, she was on vacation for two weeks. Uggggh!!!!!!! I asked if I could see another doc to get the letter, no had to get the letter from the doc that I have been with for the past 5 years. So once she is back, I went through another 2 week of aggravation because she was not happy that I did not pick the doctor she recommended. She made me make another appointment to get a physical (that I took this summer to get the recommendation), and she tried to talk me out of the doctor. She has pissed me off so bad. So I started this process July 24, and it was October 27 when I finally received my recommendation from the doctor!!!! Then it stayed on my bariatric doc's desk for another week. They sent everything off to my insurance company Nov. 10.   Also, I decided that I was going to tell a couple of family member, thinking I would get some support. I only received positive comments from my step mom and grandmother. I was told that I am just lazy and need to exercise, because I was an athlete in college. That was 20 FREAKIN years ago!!!!! Then my aunt tells me that fat women just runs in the family and I might as well get use to it!!!   And another thing!! my health. For the past two years I have managed diabetes with diet and exercise, now I am on diabetic meds, high blood pressure and high cholesterol. My feet and back are killing me!!! I keep developing a race where at my panty and bra lines, the doc says that is due to being overweight. All the weight that I lost for the first 6 months of the year, I have gained it back the last 6 months. I feel hopeless.   Then my husband the paramedic that works in an ER here. He saw a couple of patients that have came in with major complications due to the bypass not the sleeve, and he wanted me to call it off. He was upset about how sick these people were and he did not want me to got through it. I understand his concern, but he is supposed to be my rock. He is supposed to support me and my decisions, like I support him and his crazy a@* decisions!!!!! We went back and forth with him for a while. Now it seems like he is back on board.   Ok, now it is December 14th. We have less than 3 weeks in the new year, and I am still without surgery. I did not take a vacation this year because I wanted to save up for the surgery. So now I have 80 hours of vacation to take or I loose it!!! Also, we were told that we might not have our jobs next year, which means that I wont have insurance for the surgery. Also, we got our daughter into private school, so with no job she goes back to these bull sh** public schools that don't care about the kids education. So next year is not looking promising for me. In my mind I keep saying that I should not speak negativity because what I speak comes to be. So I am trying to stay positive -that I will still have a job and insurance, and my daughter gets to stay in this awesome schools that is so much help to her!!!!   So I am asking everyone who reads this, please pray for me, pray for my health, my job and my family. And please send positive thoughts my way.
 

Nervous, Excited, Scared!

Ok, first blog was me venting and in a very bad negative space. I know have a date and a non negative husband. I have decided not to tell anyone in my family because they will just make me go off and never speak to them again. People that are close to their family does not understand how a person can stop talking to family. Well, for the people that are not close to family- I know you feel me. Don't get me wrong, I love my family but the minute I tell them something that will better myself, the only positive person of course is my mom. But she can't hold water, so she is in the dark too.   Anyway..... negative family is another blog. Now I would like to talk about the date of my new beginning, June 4th!!!!! Everytime I think about it, I get this big nervousness in my stomach. I have never had major surgery. And I am not good with pain. I have read horrible stories and I know that the majority of the problems that will arise after the surgery will be your fault if you do not follow your doc orders. If you know you are not supposed to eat or drink this.. then why do you do it. All last week I kept thinking about food I am going to miss. My mexican food, my margaritas, my juicy steaks, my royal burger from red robin, my cookie dough ice cream from baskin robins. I thought about all that then I stood up. I felt the pain in my knees and my feet. I saw the yeast that is developing in my rolls and under my size 46 F breast that are pointing to my toes. I looked at the marks between my thighs from the rubbing together. I thought about my husband not holding me in bed because i have to sleep close to my cpap. I look at my fat fingers that won't let me take my ring off. If I take it off, I can't put it back on. I think about me playing basketball with my daughter and having to stop in the first 15 minutes because I am out of breathe. I look at a dest full of medicine and I am only 34 years old. I look at that damn cpap machine that is ruining my sex life and cuddle time. I think about how my husband will get up and go in the next room because of my snoring when I don't wear the cpap. I think about the smell coming between my legs because of the sweat of my overlaping belly covering my va-ga ga. I think about having to ask for seat belt extensions when I have to fly. I think about no one wanting to room with the fat girl at conferences with my job. I think about crying in the dressing room when I go shoppping. I think about me not swimming (something that I love to do) because I don't like how I look in a bathing suit. So... when I think of those things and could give a damn about the food I am going to miss. The food and my laziness when it comes to exercising and my yo yo dieting are the reasons why I am getting this surgery anyway.   I get scared with I think about the long term complications because no one really knows the long term complications. I would like to talk to 10 to 20 years post op people. I have read blogs from 5 years out, some wish they never did it, some are so happy they have a life now. I want to be the person who is 60 and looking damn fine and feeling fine as well. I don't want to be the woman with so many complications from WLS that she still can't do anything with her husband or daughter. The good outweighs the bad, but I am constantly thinking about the bad now. Is that normal?   I have to go. I am getting my MBA online at the University of Phoenix and I have a paper to do. But these are my thoughts. Just wanted to share with everyone. Please have me in your prayers. That I have the strength to do what I need to do to stay healthy. That I have the love and the support I need to stay positive. And that I have a safe surgery.   Thanks and many blessings to all Lay-Lay
 

Pre Op Weight Loss Update

So April 13 I found out that I have to loose 10 pounds before my surgery on June 4th. I was really concerned because its so far away I am good at loosing weight but always gaining it back. Plus I am a sales rep that spends the majority of my week on the road. I have been doing liquids for 2 meals and on the 3rd meal I am doing something healthy, mainly fish and veggies. There are a few times like I cheated like all day mother's day. But I have worked really hard at making time to do at least 45 min of exercising at least 3 to 4 days a week. I have been weighing in at home and doing well, so I thought. I got on the scale at my YMCA and it said I only lost 3 pounds in a dang month!!!! WTH!!!!! So I remembered that my doc office said that I can come in anytime to weigh myself before the surgery to make sure I am staying on track. I weighed myself today. I lost 9 pounds!!!!! 1 more pound to go and I have 8 more days to go. I feel really good about it. I am starting straight liquids monday for all my meals.
 

Pre Op Weight Loss Update

So April 13 I found out that I have to loose 10 pounds before my surgery on June 4th. I was really concerned because its so far away I am good at loosing weight but always gaining it back. Plus I am a sales rep that spends the majority of my week on the road. I have been doing liquids for 2 meals and on the 3rd meal I am doing something healthy, mainly fish and veggies. There are a few times like I cheated like all day mother's day. But I have worked really hard at making time to do at least 45 min of exercising at least 3 to 4 days a week. I have been weighing in at home and doing well, so I thought. I got on the scale at my YMCA and it said I only lost 3 pounds in a dang month!!!! WTH!!!!! So I remembered that my doc office said that I can come in anytime to weigh myself before the surgery to make sure I am staying on track. I weighed myself today. I lost 9 pounds!!!!! 1 more pound to go and I have 8 more days to go. I feel really good about it. I am starting straight liquids monday for all my meals.
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