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1-6-09

I went to the Y this morning and walked in the river for 35 minutes and then did 45 minutes of water arobics. Feeling really good then came home and ate all the stuff I shouldn't have. For two years I have sat here and wrote all the same things. Why do I do this. Why do I just keep on doing the wrong things. Why don't I feel like I deserve this. Why don't I love myself enough to do this. I know I don't feel good most of the time and I know that my weight is most of the problem. I have to lose weight so the will do the knee replacements so I will start to feel better. So why don't I just do it. What keeps me from doing what I know I should do.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Control

Here it Feb. 13th and I still at the same weight that I have been for the last serveral months. I know that I have lots of problems, but one that came to light last night is the need to control something. I have no control over so many things that I can control what I do put in my mouth. No one can tell me no. No one has to see me eat (I know everyone can till that I overeat by just looking at me.) I can eat in private, I can hide things, I can eat in the car, I can go through a drive thru and I can eat what I want. I don't want anyone telling me I can't eat. It's really the only thing I can control. The funny thing is for the last month I've been telling myself that I'm the only one that can do this. I have tried many diets and I have had lap band so far none have worked for me. I'm one that has the control to make it work. I think if I work on this maybe it will help me in the future. I know I have the control to make this work. I am in control of what I put in my mouth, no one can make me eat or make me not eat. I do all the buying and all the cooking. We really don't eat out very often. I have to start with a real effort and maybe this will work. I have to want this more than I want to eat.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

7-27-08 on the edge

I feel like I'm on the edge of very high cliff and it will only take a small push and I will be falling,falling and falling. I have only myself to blame for all my unhappiness. I keep looking for things and when I find them I'm just sick at heart.   I really don't know what to make of all the e-mails my husband gets from a former co-worker. Since he retired in April he almost always gets at least one e-mail a week from this person. Now I don't really care except he hides them from me. I know he gets them, then he deletes them. I know he replys because he gets replys back. I don't really know whats going on, but last Friday nite he got one from her home email not work and the title was "Man I could use a shoulder now." He reads them and never says whats going on, this last one he didn't delete completely off the computer. I want really bad to read it, but feel that is betraying him. I just don't know what is going on. I don't know how to ask him without sounding completely crazy.   I know he doesn't care for me like he use to. I know I disappoint him. I know I was never good enough for him. I know he hates it that I'm so fat. I know all these things why can't I just lose the weight, I know it would improve things alot. I feel as if he is ashamed to be seen with me. We never go anywhere. He never says I Love You, even through I have told him how important to me it is. I have asked to held and hugged, but he always acts like a little boy being punished. So I quite asking for him to do those things. He hates to hold hands or to kiss. What have I done wrong. I have done this for so long, that I don't really have any ideas anymore.   So tonight I feel as if I'm on the edge. I have always loved him. But he hides things from me and its not just the co-worker. There are other thing too and it hurts when you hear things from other people. Then when I say something he admits he knew, but just didn't tell me.   Life is so messy, so confusing and walls are so hard to break down.   He told me serveral years ago that he has never had an affair and he never would. I do really trust him, but it this other person that I don't trust. I just think its wrong to e-mail another persons spouse. Maybe if he told me what was going on it would be ok. I do know that she asked his to lunch sometime and I know so far he hasn't gone. Maybe I'm just to old fashioned. Maybe I'm just crazy. I do know that I'm scared that I will wake someday and he will be gone.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Still hanging on

I'm still hanging on and the weight is still here. I went to the Doc the first part of the month and had lost some since I had seem him in april or may. That was a good surprise and my Hc1 was really really good. I still need to work on portion size as I eat to much, but I still have lots of issues with stuff not wanting to go down. Yesterday was one of those day where I could eat very little esp. protien. I have a really hard time with protien. Yesterday morning I fixed some eggs, bacon and fried potatoes as I was just sick to death of cereal. After going to all the effort of fixing it I couldn't get much down. My cats loved the eggs with cheese in them and my husband loved the bacon and the potatoes just got thrown out. Lunch was a granola bar and supper was carrots and a rice casserole with not much protien except the cheese. Later I ate another granola bar. The granola bar did give me some troulbe last night as it just feels as if its just sitting there I also have trouble on these days with my med. Sometimes the feel as if the are just caught in my throat.   Even those I do have some problem I'm still glad that I have my band or I would probably be a lot heavier than I am. I still need to lose more so that I can get my knees worked on. The hurt so bad and I don't think people realize how much they hurt. Its so hard to go up and down the stairs.   As for my husband and his little friend from the office I ask what her story was and he told me some of what he wanted me to know. I'm sure there is more. She still e-mails him serveral times a week that I know of. He makes it a point to tell me when she does, but only if he thinks I know there is a e-mail. Like he will get one and reply and delete everything, but she replies back and you can tell that he had already reply once before. I think he thinks I'm stupid. He swears there is nothing going on, but he makes himself look guilt. I really don't think there is anything going on, but I guess he doesn't trust me. Maybe he thinks he is protecting me so that my feeling won't be hurt, but hiding thing just makes him look bad.   I'm so glad have this blog so that I can rant and rave when ever I want too. It helps to write it down.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

7-8-09

I have not posted on my blog for serveral months now. I keep thinking things will change and I will start to lose. I'm so disappointed in myself. I know the band rules about junk foods, so now I'm trying not to have any in the house. I think that has helped me some, but I want to be thin. Thin is my dream these days. My life is all about food and what I can eat and what I cant eat. Sometimes I find myself hungry, but nothing sounds good anymore. Some of the things I want to eat I know will not go down so I just don't eat. Maybe one of these days it will all come together in my head and I will finally get my act together and just do this.   I know I'm fighting myself , but I still don't completely know why. I know that my personal life has a lot to do with it and I don't think that will change anytime soon. I wish I was a stronger person and maybe I wouldn't let things get to me.   My biggest fear is that I will die fat, or that no one will love me because I'm so fat. I sometimes feel as if my family is ashamed of me and really don't want to be seen with me. I went to the baseball game a couple of weeks ago and I was afraid I wouldn't fit in the seats. It was tight and I had bruises on my hips for the next week. Why isn't that a wake up call for me? Why don't I do something about it? I just don't understand myself. I can't blame anyone but myself for my failure. I know I have to be in control, but right now I'm way out of control.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Lazy?

I have decide that I'm just lazy. Its really really hard work to lose weight and I guess I just don't want to do that kind of work. I can't eat chicken and have not for two years that goes for bread also. I have toyed with joining weight watchers again, but because I can't eat most meat I'm not sure what I would eat. I think that is part of my problem. I don't know what to eat, since most meat just doesn't want to go down.   I need to make an appointment with the doctor and see how things look. I know I havn't lost a thing in a year and I know that is part of the reason I havn't been back to the doctor.   Anyway I have decide that I'm just lazy in all things. I think I need a brain makeover so that I would start to think in a more postive way. Maybe I'm just depressed. Oh well tomorrow is a new day and things will look up, I hope.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

brownies

I'm fighting not to make brownies today. I REALLY REALLY want a brownie.Not the kind you get at the store, but real homemade kind. I just love brownies, thick, rich, chewy, moist brownies. I've got it bad today. Now that I've said that, maybe I can get on with something else. They guy's are here working. They say they will be done tomorrow. Can't believe its almost done. Eight months later and my new screened in porch is almost done. They got the carpet in, and are working on they backyard, which has almost no grass now. It's rained so much we had little rivers in the yard over the weekend. So now we have to paid the piper for this job. I'm getting excited about the trip. I tried on clothes this morning and I can now get into some of my 2X clothes, but they are still a little tight for my liking. I wish I was losing more, before I leave on my trip. I tracked my calories yesterday, was doing fine till we had peanut butter shakes for dessart yesterday evening. I ended up eating 2000 calories yesterday. Thats not acceptable at all. Guess I need to keep better track of everything. It seems like I've not eaten that much. I have had no cookies, pie or cake since March 13. That a really long time for me. No diet Coke either. I have not missed it as much as I thought I would. I do miss my cookies. I love to make, bake and eat cookies. I can even dream of eating cookies, or just food in general. I'm a real food addictive person. My husband has lost more weight than I have and I'm the one with band. I'm doing laundry and need to get it out and fold it and put it away. I hope this has help to get my mind off eating. I not hungry at all just want to eat. I'm crazy about food. How did I get this crazy, where I could eat till I can't hardly stand it, good thing is I have not done that since I got the band. I realize that I have to do this myself.. The band just helps some. I need another fill. It's only a week and half till my next appointment, and next week I will be in New York, so this week and half should fly by. Must get busy and do something.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Do You Every Feel

Do you every feel like no one understands you? Do you every feel all alone with no one at your side? Do you every feel so overwhelmed that you just want to go away some where and hid? Do you every feel like everyone you know is ashamed of you? Do you every feel like no one likes you, or wants to be with you?   These are some of my feeling today and these are some of the tiggers for my wanting to eat.   Now I just have to learn how to control the need to eat when these things are getting to me.   I hate it when people you love hid things from you. I hate it when people you love don't share things with you. I hate when people you love don't love you back the way you want to be loved.   These are some more of the trigger eating. I have learn some things in the last two years, but I still can't control my eating yet.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

why

Why do I have this over whelming desire to eat? I know I'm not hungry right now, in fact I'm very full. But at this very moment all I want to do is go fine something to eat. I know I need to redirect and do something else. So why don't I go for a walk or go do laundry? This is the sickness that I have. Why do we eat when we know we are not hungry? It would be so much simpler if we could just take that huge devil right off my shoulder. The feeling sometimes so bad it almost all consuming. This is what I thought the band would take away from me. I really believe it would take that devil and banish him forever. Yes the band make you feel full, but it does not do away with the devil inside me. I have to learn how to handle this little devil.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

5-21-08

I'm having a ok week, not great,but better than the last couple of weeks. I hope I can keep this going, I really want to lose 30 lbs before we go to Hawaii this fall. I don't think this is an unreasonable goal. I just have to be on my toes and stick with it. I really have to excersise more. I wish I could be one of those people who only eat 600 cal a day. I just don't know how they do it. I have a hard time staying a 1200 cal a day. I feel good if I stay around 1500 cal a day. Oh well I know I can't give up on this, that I have to make it work some how. I have to learn how to resist all the tempatation that out there. I have learned that I can't have Pringles in the house or cookies or most sweets.   I need to learn to let some things go and keep other things. I tend to worry to much about all things and I really do want to control all things. So you would think I could control my eating, but I don't. Its the one thing that I can count on to be good. Most of the time its is good, but there is other times I feel like its not a good as I thought it would be. Just wish I would learn to think of food as not as good as I think it is.   I must repeat this thought to myself at all times. I can do this. Its not that Hard. Food is not that good. I want to feel better. I want to have a life outside of this house. I will not be embrassed at the sight of my own body. I will not feel as if my husband is embrassed at my size. I will not feel as if my family is embrassed at my size. I will do this. I'm smart enough to figure this out. I can do this. I can do this,
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

5-1-08

Well I haven't lost a thing in a month, but I'm still holding my own. I guess I should be happy about that. I'm still wondering why I make the choices I do with food. I know that I'm addicted to food and I also just love food. I love to make it, eat it and share it with others. I'm doing better about what I keep in the house, I'm now avoiding the snacks in the house. I don't have any chips that I like in the house, no cookies either. I need now to focus on protien. They told me to eat more protien and fewer carbs. I love veggies, but I'm trying to cook less veggies and more just protien. I don't eat very much bread anymore, most of the time bread doesn't want to go down.   Well today is going to be a great day. See I say all the right things but turn right around and do just want I want to do, which is usually something to eat, which is not on the diet. I can always over eat on anything that I want to.   I really wish that they would take all food commericals off TV. They really make you want to eat all the wrong things. There is so much talk about food on the TV maybe I should learn to turn the TV off, but it is sometimes my only outlet to the outside world. Sometimes the TV makes me feel as if I will never have a normal weight, because I have so far to go and most people don't make. I want to be one of those people who make it. I want to feel good about myself. I want not to hurt all the time. I want to be out in the world and not feel like I'm a freak of nature.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

4-17-08

It been six years ago tonight that my daddy died, I really missing him today. Its really been hard since my parents have been gone. Didn't really know how much I loved them. I wish I could just call them up and talk for awhile. Silly but I wish I could have some of their wise words to live by right now.   I'm still at a stand still. I must be the craziest person alive. I don't think I have read where anyone else is not losing, just me. 13 months and just 30lbs and holding. I know I must do better. The doctor gave me a new prescription for pain meds, so maybe that will help with the pain in my knees. I really want to walk and move more, but when I go the the y I come home and can't move much for the next couple of days. Will see if the pills help me. I want to lose this ungodly fat so the knee and joints feel better.   See what tomorrow brings.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

maybe some restriction now

I'm feeling like I have some restriction now. Still having problems with my b/p. It seems like it goes down after I eat. I know when its to low I have some little black spots showup in my vision and sometimes I feel weak and dizzy. Everytime I'm at the doctor its just fine, but of course I haven't just eaten. Now this morning its 80/44 and I haven't eaten. I think I need to get a new b/p machine, but if its not reading me correctly, then what is my DH b/p. His is alway normal right after mine is so low. So far I'm getting along ok, but I do think it has a lot to do with my energy level.   So far since my fill on monday I have lost few pound, I hope this is a pernament lost. I ate yesterday for the 1 st time since monday and I did notice the feeling of being fuller quicker. I hope this is a good sign, because I would like to have a sweet spot and not need another fill for a couple of months. I have to pay for my own fills now. Insurance was only good through the month of June.   I believe my clothes are starting to get to big, will be excited to get in to something smaller. I'm still wearing all my same things. I probably could get in to something smaller, but I just hate tight clothes. My clothes were so tight right before my surgery that I was trying to find bigger clothes on the internet. Thank God I didn't buy anything. I'm tired of all the old clothes that I'm wearing, but will stay with them for a little longer. Maybe by fall I will need clothes a couple of sizes smaller. I hope I will be in 22 or 20. I started out in size 26-28. I will keep my fingers crossed.   Watched the some of the grandkids yesterday and I just love to have them around, but the do wear me out really really quick.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

5-23-08

Just back from the doctors and I gained, gained, and gained. I was up 4 lbs. The nurse is so nice, she thinks I have an obsession with food. Do you think. I don't have the feeling of fullness that others have, which she said was bad for me. I can still eat 2 cups with no problem which is way to much. I have some restriction because I can't eat chicken, tuna salad and bread. But I don't have the restrictions some have where they feel as if the just can't eat one more bite or the will just up chuck everything. Why can't I have that feeling? I do get the hiccups when I'm to full so that is good. They said I need to excesise at least 30 minutes per day. They said maybe I should go back to clear liquids for a week. I don't know if I can do clear liquids but I may do just liquids for a couple of weeks. I know that will be hard on my husband, but he will just have to eat out or fix his own meals. I'm not going to cook anything for two weeks and see if I can jump start this weight loss again. I will try walking for half hour everyday. I'm still trying to get my nerve up to wear a bathing suit and start water aerobics.   I have known for sometime that I was obsessed with food and they gave me the name of a person to go to for behavior modification. I think I really need this. I just love food, but there are times when I feel as if I have no control over eating. I have a very strong desire to eat anything that I can fine. It's so strong that I feel as if I can't stop, even when I know I shouldn't be doing it. They asked if I felt hunger and yes I do. Sometimes I have actual hunger pain and stomach growling. If I get to hungering I eat to fast which upset the band. I do thing I eat a lot of the wrong foods. I think I probably eat the wrong things that go down way to easy. I know that I'm getting to much fat and to many carbs. I really do try, but as usual I'm just doing everything wrong.   I really feel like a failure. I could just cry, but I know that will not solve my problems. I have to get control of this. I really want to lose a few pounds before we go to Hawaii this fall. I have get control. I just have to, because I can't continue to be so depressed over all this. I know that being depressed doesn't help at all, it is sucking me dry. I have no energy and I feel worthless. I need to get this going now.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

12-5-08

Haven't post in a month. Time just gets away from me at times. I went to the ortho doctor today and she did injections in both knees. I hope this helps for awhile. I need to get back to the "Y". I'm going to try water arobics three times a week for awhile. Been doing twice, but I have to kick start this weight lost. She will not do knee replacement till I lose more weight. I keep telling myself that I will feel better if I lose more, but the more the knees hurt the more I don't do. Stupid cycle and I know it.   Will do better, I keep telling myself that. Now I have to make it happen.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

3-31-08

I didn't weight this morning so have any idea how I'm doing. I know that I'm feeling fuller now, but I still make the wrong choices at times other times I do better. My knee is much better than last Monday, but still can't walk on it very long. I can't decide rather to go to the "Y" or not today. I know I can't walk very far, but any movement would be better than none. I'm thinking of joining weight watchers again. I have to get this under control. I go back to the doctor next week, I think and I haven't lost a single pound. We will see if there is still 3 cc in my band or if it has a leak. Not sure I really want to know, because I don't know if I want to go through surgery again. I need to know if there is anything we can do beside surgery. I keep wondering if I'm the only one in this world that is going through this. I surely not the only one that has trouble making good decisions. I have decided that as soon as my knee feels better I going to find myself a part time job. Maybe if I'm working part time I will not have so much time to feel sorry for myself. Will see if my knee gets better or not. I haven't been to the doctor yet, but I know what they will say, "You need to lose weight before we do anything." Of course I know they are right, but bad knees do run in this family. My grandmother had knee problems and my dad had both of his knees replaced, and my brother has had one done and is doing the other one this coming fall. My sister has problems with her knee since she was a kid. She was told she had water on her knee then and they still hurt her, but she refuses to go to the doctor for hers. Yes my brother and sister are not overweight as I'm, in fact my sister is very skinny sometimes I worry about her eating. Oh well enough for today, I will have a good day. I will stick to some kind of program today. I know its one day at a time.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

7-7-08 slowly losing

I'm really losing slowly now, better than not losing at all. My scale says I'm down another 3 lbs in 2 weeks. I really like to lose 2 lbs a week, but I will take what every I can get. I went so long without losing anything at all, I can't hardly believe I'm losing. I just need to be patient and it will come. I really excited about losing anything. I maybe a little to tight, but not so bad that I can't live with it. I'm having some acid reflex, esp. after I take my meds. I don't know maybe I should try crushing them again. It worst at night when I go to bed. I really can't eat bread, pizza crust, muffins, or cake that is dense. I really have to chew my meat really really good. I can eat chicken salad or most salad in general. I'm have to remember to eat slowly also. If I get to hungry I forget and I will eat to fast and then it hits me. The slimming and the pain is a great reminder to slow down. My DH is on his annual campout with is high school buddys. They have done this at least 35 years, you would think that they would out grow this at some point. Believe it or not he has taken more vacations with them then he has with me. It still makes me feel like he doesn't care as much as about me as he does about them. He gets so excited about the campout. He spends weeks figuring out what to take. Making lists and emailing the other guys. They act like bunch of little kinds. Of course I won't tell him no he can't go, that would make me seem petty and bitchy. I guess it makes me mad because all the years I worked I took my vacations to take care of sick kids while he went camping with his friends or on trips to Canada with his fishing buddys. In the 38 years we have been together we have taken 5 long vacations together and maybe 10 weekend trips together. So yeah I'm mad that he still goes. Oh well it time to get busy and do thing that need to be done. I sometimes don't feel very loved.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

4-28-08

I have had this love affair with food since I was little. I can remember eating to much or wanting to eat more since I was maybe 7 or 8 years old. I'm trying to figure out just why I love food so much. I learned to cook when I was only 7 or 8 and I think I just loved the praise that I got. I don't remember being told that I was loved or being good at anything. I think I praise I got from cooking and it took over my life. I have always done a good job of cooking. I love to bake and I love to cook for a crowd. I don't cook much anymore since its just my husband and me. I miss that alot. I have always ate to fill that hole that is never filled. I think I have used food all my life to get that feeling of of love. I don't think I have every really felt love by anyone. I know that my husband has stay with me, but down deep I always felt 2nd best. He is not very open with his feeling and never says I LOVE YOU. He always says I should know that he loves me. I have tried to explain to him that the words make me feel good. So if he ingores my feeling just how much does he really love me ? I know that I was told very young that my mother only had me because my dad wanted another baby. I always tried to buy things for my parents in hopes that the would love me best. I always knew that my mothers farovite was my sister and my dads was my brother. My oldest brother was deaf and was alway hard to deal with and I think my dad always felt like he was not good enough, or maybe he was ashamed of him so the was never the farovite of my parents. My mother always over did with him trying to make up for his disablity. He was away at school when I was little and I did know him very well, he was home in the summer only. I don't know if this will help, but I have to put some of these thoughts down so I can begin to understand why I eat so much. Most of the time I feel like a failure and again I'm failing at losing weight.   I did go to the y this am and walked for 15 minutes. This is really good for me. I got a bathing suit and I'm going to try water arobics for people with arthritis. I hope tomorrow I will have enought nerve to actually put that suit on and get in the water. I don't think I can go for 1 hour, but will try to do it as long as I can. I have to start somewhere and my knees hurt so much. I read all the time how much better peoples knees feel after losing weight. I just have to do this, I want to do this.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

10-1-07

Can't believe that its October already, seem like it was just July yesterday. I haven't lost anymore weight, but I have no one to blamel, but myself. I really need to get a move on. I don't eat as much, but still can:faint: eat the wrong things. The wrong things go down way to easy. I have had a couple of pb's this past week and it seem if I eat to fast that's when it happens. I hope I'm getting closer on my fills. I have 3.5 cc in my 4cc band, but I not anywhere close to just eat 1/2 cup at a time. I may have stretched my pouch out. I just don't know. I just have no will power. I just eat when I'm sad, happy, hungry, not hungry. I can eat anytime, anywhere. I just don't understand what is wrong with me. I know I want this,but I guess I just don't want it bad enought to give up everything. I don't buy cookies anymore, I havn't had a diet coke, or bread since 3-19-2007. I can still eat ice cream, chips, cant eat muffins, can eat cake, can't eat pizza crust, can eat the topping off of pizza. I'm trying to peddle everyday, but today my knee is really sore. I need to join the Y, but I limited on money right now. So guess I'm just having a pitty party today. I have felt really weepy all day and really don't know why. Hope tomorrow is a better day than today.:faint::faint:
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

6-23-08 Yeah!!!!

Just back from the doctor for this month and low and behold I lost for the first time in almost a year. I lost a total of 8.2 lbs. I really do feel as if I have restriction for the first time. I hope this continues for sometime to come. I didn't get a fill this time, I will go back in 4 weeks and see how I'm doing. If I feel I need a fill (I'm eating more, or gaining weight) I can go back sooner. I have spent so much time with no restriction. I can't believe it took this long to get restriction. I'm sitting at 4.3 cc's in my 4.0 cc band. I just wonder if the miss the port when they were filling it last year, if not where did it go and why is it holding now. Oh well, no use in worrying about it, I'm just enjoying the restriction that I now have. I'm really still shooting for the 30lb weight lost before Hawaii on Sept 30th. I now have 22 lbs to go before then, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I will make that goal. I must remember to eat my protien and then veggies, then carbs. I have to drink more water and less Crytal light. I must excersise more often and regularly also. I can walk anytime is summer.   Feeling pretty good about myself right now. Now need to work on toning up the legs and arms and stomach. They are flabby and hanging and the drive me crazy with the way the look. I don't know if has anything to do with age or not.   Great month for me!!! :ohmy::thumbup:
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

6-3-08 feeling good

Just got done with the water areobics and I'm just lovingit. I thinking of adding the 3 day a week class, I'm doing the 2 day a week class now. That would make me go to the Y 5 days a week. I don't know if I would tire of this routine or not. But walking just kills my knees.   Its been 10 days since my last fill and I just love it now. Its taken a year for me to feel as if I have a band. I now have restriction which is wonderful. I'm not eating nearly as much and I don't think I'm thinking about eating all the time either. I can go server hours without thinking about food. I feel good. I hope this last for a very long time. I know I still to work on my eating habits. I still want to go for what is easy and not what takes time. I need to think ahead about meals, but I'm not thinking of food now. Its wonderful not to be thinking of food all the time. I really want to lose this weight. I trying to increase my step count, but not doing so good at that. But the water exercise is going to help.   FEELING GREAT. Now if my knee would stop hurting so much that would even be better.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

I did it!!!!

I did it, I went to water aerobics class this morning at the Y. It was really fun and I think I like it. I will try to go again tomorrow and do either the aerobics class or walk the river. I don't know if I'm fit enought for a full blown water aerobics class. The one I did was for I arthritis. I can't belive I did it. I put my swimsuit on and did it.   I think I finally have some restriction. I'm eating only about half as much as I was a week ago. I will try to keep track of what I'm eating see what happens this week. I really want to lose wieght and right now I'm feeling pretty good about what I'm doing.   Today will be a good day.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

I've not changed 5-19-08

I've not changed at all. I'm still trying to out smart the band and I still eating all the wrong things. I have not learned to give up all the thing that are bad for me. I still want it all and I know in my head that I can't do that. I start strong in the am, but by mid afternoon or evening I'm lost. I just can't stand the thought of not eating something good. I have trouble eating fruit, and I have to eat meat really slow. I have slowed down how fast I eat, but I let my self get to hungry before I eat. I tend to wait to long to eat and then eat to fast which causes the pb or pain in the chest. I have to try to fight the head hunger thing. I still need to excerise more. I fight excerise all the time. I joined the y in feb, but I have only been a few times. I'm really very self conscious about how I look, but I still continue to do the wrong things. I even went so far as to buy a swim suit for water aerobics, but to scared to put on at the y. I'm tire of what I'm doing. I need to change. I keep trying everyday,so maybe one of these day it will clink in my head. I pray about this daily and I know I will do this one of these days.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

3-24-08

I'm not losing and its all my fault. I just can't seem to leave food alone. I need to track what I'm eating. I really don't think I'm eating that much, but I don't eat the right things. Way to much easy stuff. To many chips and sweets, I do try to eat more the good stuff. My breakfast is either a protien shake or weight control oatmeal, but then I alway follow that with something not so good for me, like pudding, or cheese. I really love cheese and it doesn't love me. I have never been able to lose weight when I eat cheese. I may start going back to weight watchers. I have alway been able to lose with weight watchers. I still think I may need a shrink that deals with people that have eating disorders. I just don't know if I can afford a shrink. I hurt my knee again on Saturday. I was out in the yard picking up sticks and when I got back in the house I could hardly walk. It hurt soooo bad. Its a little better today. I should go to the doctor, but they will just tell me that they can't do anything till I lose weight. I have to lose this weight. I'm so tire of feel so bad. Why can't I do this, its been a year since I got the band and I really thought this would do the trick, but no not for me. I feel so stupid. Why can't I do this. What am I so afraid of that I can't let food go? Why am I punshing my self with food? Why do I love food so much? It doesn't love me, in fact it hates me, just like everyone else in my life. I really need some good support, but people just don't like me. What do I do that turns people off? I know I can't talk with people I never learned how to talk with people. I feel so helpless. I really need help, I need someone to talk with. I always feel like everyone is judging me. I just don't measure up.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

feeling adrift at sea

I'm really feeling adrift with my food. I really don't know what to eat. I so afraid to try bread, salad, and most meats. I'm not a breakfast person, but have been drinking a protien shake, chocolate with pro complex, 340 cal , 15 carbs, 63 grams protien and 2 fat. It just doesn't stay with me. I hungry within couple or three hours. Lunch is a what ever is left over from the night before. Supper is some kind of meat, veggies. I take my pill with pudding after crushing them. I know I getting to many calories, somewhere around 1500. Yet at times food gets stuck and I don't feel so good. I can eat something some times and not at other times. I still not losing any weight. My scales bounce between 277 and 279. I hate my clothes they are not fitting right. They are too big, but the next size is to tight. Part of the problem is my big butt. If it fits the butt its to big in the stomach area. Almost all of the legs are too tight around the calves. My shirts are to big through the shoulders, but tight around the hips. I must be just built weird. I have know idea what I will wear to New York, but guess I had better figure it out. Just have a week till I leave. Can't wear t-shirts to the view, need to get something to wear. Hope I can do all the walking that is involved in being there. I really looking forward to getting away for a few days. I get really tired of worring all the time, don't think I will not worry while I gone , but may it will be better. I really need to figure out my diet. I read last night that some of the people were going to weight watchers, or doing nurti-system. I cant afford nurti-system. I was thinking that maybe I would by some south beach forzen entrees and see if I could get by on them, maybe lunch. Breakfast is just not going down this a.m. Guess I wil fix protien shake, before my grandkids get here.
carol1951

carol1951

1
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