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try to fill a hole in my sole

I know that I have lost my DD, but the hole it has left in me is hugh. I have been trying to fill it with food today and I know that won't work. I have to work through these problems and hope for the best. I did my best with her, but it was never enough. I truely love her and her kids, but I can't seem to do enough. I have given money till have none left to give. I have babysit and pick up the kids from school when sick. I have gotten the grandkids birthday, christmas presents, and clothes for school. I have tried to be there when she need me, but in the end she choose a man who has completly shut out her family. I wish I could change a lot of things. I know I can only do so much and I do the best that I can. I will miss not seeing the kids, but the last time I talked with her and told her the kids had been over when the were at their dads I could tell she was not happy about them being at my house. I will not put them in the middle so I will not see them or talk with them when they are at their dads. This is the hardest thing I have to do. She was to decide when and if I can see them, its not up to me, she is their mother.   I have eaten way to much today already and its only 12:30. I have had a protein bar, 2 oz cheese, a bowl of pasta and meatballs, and some cheese spread on crackers. I will have to drink a lot of water and do some excersises. I know it could have been worst had I not had the band. THE BAND IS MY FRIEND, MAYBE THE BEST FRIEND I HAVE. THE BAND DOESN'T LYE. THE BAND DOESN'T WANT ANYTHING FROM ME. THE BAND WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME. I LOVE MY BAND.   I thank God everyday that I have the band to remind me not to eat to much and to love myself. If I don't love myself no one else will love me.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

not a bad weekend

I had a really pretty good weekend concerning I was at my sisters and we had lots of food. I was only up a couple of ounces this morning on the scales.   Cheryl really looks bad, she has really had a ruff time of it this spring and summer. She has lost a lot of weight and she was not that big to begin with. Her skin just hangs on her and looks almost anorexic. She cant eat any wheat now and has to real careful of her diet. She had a bad case of diverticulitis. My aunt told her next time to go to the city and not mess around with any small town doctors. My aunt is a doctor. I'm worried about her. She has no energy and is tired all the time.   I really enjoyed seeing my Aunt and my nieces. We had a good time and I feel pretty good about what I ate. I did have a couple of sweets, but not near what I would have eaten a year ago. I know that this weight will come off. I have to get in gear and start exercising. I know that I will when I make up my mind to do it. I am fighting it right now and I really dont know why. I have to walk, I can't afford to join a gym right now. I hope it will cool down in the next month and maybe I will get started. My aunt thinks I should find a water exercise class, but I can't even think of putting this hugh body into a swim suit. I need to get over that too. Oh well have to much to do need to get going. At least I moving a lot more than I was. I'm way to senitive about how I look. I make myself sick and I can't imagine what anyone else would think. I know I shouldn't worry what others think, but I just don't like the way I look in most clothes, and how could anyone else stand to look at me. My husband doesn't even look at me why would anyone want to look at me either. I will get better has the weight comes off. How could I have been so blind in the past not to notice how terrible I looked. Noone even my husband or kids said anything to me. :omg:
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

5-22-07

I was watching tv this afternoon, when I realized that the first time anyone told me I was over weight was when I was in high school. My girl friend told me that I should lose a couple of pounds, up until then I had never given my weight a thought. Wish she had kept her mought shut. That was the start of my yoyo diet. I never really have had a good weight lost except when I did the (liquid diet) and that was almost 20 years ago now. I did get down to 170 maybe, can't really remember, I do remember loving to buy the small size jeans and clothes. I was buying size 12, I'll be lucky to wear 16 or 14 this time, with all the loose skin I know is coming. My arms are hanging now and my thighs have rolls of fat on them. I will never be able to have plastic surgery to fix them either. Guess I will alway have to wear long pants and longer sleeves to cover them up. I will excersise and hope that helps.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Major melt down on Friday

I really am sad about my dd Susie. I cried and yelled Friday at no one. She really feels that I should pay for her car that she said she should pay for. Its been three years and she still can't make a payment. She know that I don't believe that her husband can't find a job. She has been working two and sometimes three jobs to make ends meet. Why would she do that? I just don't understand. She has taken on all her husbands problems and child plus her own 4 kids. Why does she think I should use all my retirement money. I know I will never see it back. We got the car in my DH name so that she could have something to drive that safe for the kids. Then she got pg and her husband, then boyfriend left her with no job and pg. Then as soon as she had her another job after the baby was born, he was back again. Never mind he was living with another woman while she as having a baby. She thinks I'm not giving him a chance. I don't trust him. I gave her money for the down payment or closing cost on her house. I then had to pay off the landlord from her rental, because he decide to hold her to the lease, which he didn't tell her about till after she had moveout. Oh well I'm just really hurt by all this. I don't know how to handle it either. I guess I will have to find a job. It won't be in the nursing field either. I just can't go back to nursing and My knees are so bad I don't know how long I can stand to stand. Guess I will just have to figure it out.   I didn't do to bad with the eating Friday just a couple of no bake peanut butter cookies and a piece of cake. If this had been before the band I probably would have eaten my weight in food. I really do try to listen to my band. I need to find a name for my band.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Long Night

Took a nap yesterday, should have known better. I can't sleep tonight. Sometimes I feel as if I have the RLS that you see on TV. I just couldn't lay still tonight. So here I am sitting up eating all the wrong things. Good thing there is not much in the house. I thought about buying cookie when I was at the store on Friday, but I didn't knowing I would probably have a night just like this. I can't have cookies around. I love COOKIES. So I have eaten some cheese cubes and a twinkie. The twinkie was terrible, I didn't really enjoy it at all. I also have some cottage cheese salad. Guess it could be worse.     I'm still can't wrap my mind around the fact that some day I might actually be smaller. I'm not saying thin, because I don't believe that will every happen. I just want to feel better, not sluggish all the time. I would like to be a size 14 or size 12. I will never be a smaller size, cause there is going to be too much excess skin. Still it seems a dream that will never come true.   I didn't do much this weekend. It was really a very quite few days. Hope this is a good week. I need to log on to fitday and chart my food intake, I couldn't seem to get fitday to work the other day and so I just haven't been back. Something to do tomorrow. Sleep is getting near I hope. The morning will come soon enough.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

new week

It's Monday morning and I'm feeling great. It's 13 days post-op and I just now feeling hungry for the first time. I woke up that way this morning. I ate oatmeal and yogurt for breakfast, feel as if I could get a horse. I have to decide what to eat for lunch. I liked it better when I had only to get something liquid, limited choices seem to make my decision power much better. It looks like my weight is down again to about 283. Yeah.   Need to get busy and do something to keep my mind busy and my hands busy. I also have to start walking, but my b/p has been low. I keep telling my that that is just a excuse, but I do get very dizzy. I think I will go through my closet and take out winter clothes and put the up for now. I will then have to decie what to do with them. Some are really good thing that will need to be sold or put on ebay. Guess I need to get busy for now.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

really discouraged

Got back from our vacation and guess what I gained about 7 lbs while gone. Its really my fault. I just can't seem to not eat. I'm so tired of trying and trying, but I'm so hungry most of the time. I go for a fill tomorrow, I think I will have them see how much is really in there. They said I have 3.9 cc in my band, I just wonder if there really is that much or maybe I have leak. I feel like I have restriction for a few days after a fill then it seems as if I can eat anything Iwant to eat. I really don't have much restriction. I can eat just about everything. I even ate some bread while we were gone. Thats a first since last March. I have to be really careful and eat is slow and chew chew chew. I've thought about have gastric bypass, but I want to give this another chance.   I guess I really thought this would be easier than it is. I really thought that I would not be hungry. It dosn't take away the hole that I keep trying to fill with food. I guess I need to work on that and figure out why I'm so hungry or think I'm hungry. Sometimes I so discourged that I just don't know what to do.   Well we will see what the have to say tomorrow.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

back from doctor

Went to see my regular doctor today. I last saw him about 2 weeks be for my banding. I had lost 26 lbs according to their scales. Guess that now to bad, but I wish it was just a little higher. I would like to lose 10lbs per month. I'm losing approx. 1-2 lbs a week. I know that is what they want you to lose, but I want it to come off just a little faster than that. I really haven't lost since I had my last fill 2 weeks ago. I seem to lose only when I'm on the liquid part of the diet. I will try watching my fats and carbs a little closer. I averaging 1500 cal per day and that is so much less then it was before my banding. I would think I would lose even faster than I am. Doctor was please with my weight lost, my iron was down and if its not back up when I go back in he wants to do another colonscopy a little early. I have to eat more iron for next couple of months. My hgbac1 was 6.5 same as in march, was hoping it would go down now that I have lost a little weight, maybe next time.   Delaney had a seizure while I was at the doctor. I have been home all week, but not here when she need me. I'm the closer to the school than her mother and I can give her her medicine. She seem ok for now.   So far today has been good. Its a little sticky out and my have storm later on today. Well must make some lunch. I'm hungry.:hungry::hungry::hungry:
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

01-23-08

Leaving in 2 days, wish I was more excited about it. I really dread the drive. I will be long, driving from Missouri to Florida. I don't know why I dread the vacation, I know I will have a good time once I'm there. I don't know why I'm this way, but this is the way I always feel before we go somewhere. I worry about the house, cats, and of course my children and grandchildren. I just love being home. I don't every go anywhere except the to store and church. I really need to get involved in something else. I need to make more friends. I don't even go scrapbook anymore. I gave up the stamp club also. It worrys me that my husband is the same way. He never wants go anywhere, of course I blame myself for being so fat. He problem doesn't want to be seen with someone so big. At least he will go on vacation of course no one will know us. Oh well, just have fun.   Diet is going better, except today I could eat a horse if it were in front of me. I just have to keep busy and drink my water. I know I can do this. It is just going to take time. Everyday is a new day and a new beginning.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

was a quiet day

Today was been a quiet day for me. I did some house cleaning. I have felt a little more restriction today than most days. Maybe it the weather, I don't know how to explain was some days we feel restricted and some days we have know restriction. I just can't eat bread it just doesn't want to go down very good.   Well I still haven't heard from my DH today. He call yesterday evening and I could hardly talk with him I'm mad and hurt that he hadn't called on Sunday nite or Monday nite. I know I'm just being childish, but I want to know that I'm important to him. I always feel like if he calls me in front of his friends that he will think he will look like he's pussy whipped. I really don't like hearing things from other people. Like the time we were at a new years eve party and I was asked why I never came to the fish fries. Well I didn't know that any of the guys wives and girlfriend attend. Of course my husband said he never said anything because he knew that I wouldn't go because I don't like fish. I feel like he really didn'l want me there. I really feel like I probably embaress him. I really never know how to talk to people and I'm so big. He keeps things from me, like when his best friend was messing around with another woman. I heard it from my mother that his best friend was getting a divorce because of his affair. When I asked my husband he said yeah he knew. He did it one other time when our friends husband did the same thing, they didn't get a divorce. That time he said he didn't tell me because he didn't think I could keep my mouth shut. He also did with another set of friends. I to this day he has never told me about that one. I learn about it from his sister-in-law. Is it just a guy thing, thinking that they are protecting each other or what. So I wonder if he has every had an affair. He says he has never cheated on me. I use to trust his every word. The last couple of years has changed that. I am so dumb sometimes. I believe most anything anyone tells me.   Oh well I'm just down tonight, it will be better tomorrow. I just have to keep busy.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

No fill this month

Went to the doctor on Tuesday and we decide not to do a fill for this month, as I do have some restriction and I'm leaving on vacation next week. Will be gone for two weeks and then I will go back on the 12th and see how I'm doing. Not losing but not gaining either. If I could jusl lose this sweet tooth that I have. I really crave sweets. I do pretty good with everything else. Just can't seem to leave them alone. I don't buy cookies any more, now I need not to make them anymore. I will send the rest of what I made on Tuesday home with my granddaughter today. I'm really trying hard to get all my water in and eating the right things. I wish my husband was more in to eating right. I wish he would eat more salad and stuff. He usually wants just meat and potatoes. Oh well I can't use him for an excuse. He eats pretty much what I put on the table. Oh well today is going ok will do much better tomorrow. My ped account this past week was pretty good for me. Everyday I made it over 2,000 steps each day. Now my next goal is to increase my steps by at least 100 to 200 more steps each day. I walk in plase some times just to get some steps in. Life isn't always fair.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Maybe I just don't want it bad enough

I don't know if I don't want to lose weight or if I'm scared to lose weight, but I just keeping shooting myself in the foot all the time. I eat all the wrong foods most of the time. I know I shouldn't eat it, but I do it anyway. Breakfast is still just a protien shake if its early it just doesn't want to go down. Then around 10 or 11 I eat chips, crackers or cheese. Then when its lunch time I skip it or I'm to full from all the junk that I don't eat. Then around 3 I'm hungry and can't hardly stand it, so I eat something easy like chip, crackers or cheese. I really don't eat many sweets cause I know I can't keep them in the house. I do crave chocolate. My DH is not a sweet person so thats why I have the chips and crackers. I don't usually, in the past, eat ice cream although here lately I can't seem to get enough of it. I guess I'm going to have to not buy that either. I'm lost on what to eat for lunch. I can't eat bread it just doesn't want to go down. I do eat salad some, I've done tuna or chichen salad some, soup alot. I have trouble with chicken and some beef. I think I'm not chewing my food good enough and if I'm too hungry I eat to fast so I need to slow down and eat slower. I really did do good in Texas, but maybe that was because I didn't have to cook or think about it. I was moving more while I was gone. I really need to excerise more, walking is good. I need to find some excerises that don't require me to get down on the floor. I have a really hard time getting up off the floor with my bad knee. I need to work on my stomach it is getting floppy and my butt is sagging. I still am wearing my 3x's and I have lost 35 lbs. I really want to go down in the sizes, but I have this big butt and stomach. My arms are flopping in the wind so need to get some excerise the will tighten them up. I NEED HELP. I WILL DO THIS IF TAKE ME YEARS. I KNOW I HAVE TO PUT MORE EFFORT IN TO IT. NO ONE BUT ME CAN DO THIS. I HAVE TO STOP BUYING THING THAT I KNOW I CAN EAT THAT ARE NOT GOOD FOR ME. I NEED TO GET AN ANOTHER FILL AND HOPE THAT THE AMOUNT THAT I CAN EAT GOES DOWN TO 1/2 CUP AMOUNTS. I MUST KEEP MYSELF BUSY, IF I'M BUSY I DON'T EVEN THINK OF FOOD. THE MORE I DO THE MORE I WILL BE ABLE TO DO. THE MORE I EXCERISE THE STRONGER I WILL GET. I CAN DO THIS.   I feel so alone in this struggle. I need to find a good support group that is close to home, wonder how to find a group. I need to find some friends that understand my struggle.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Glad this holiday is over

I just don't like holidays anymore, I use to love the 4th, but now it just reminds me how everything has changed. I would love to have all my kids over, but my DH is still mad at of middle daughter. If I can't have all of them then, I will not have any of them here. I will not leave her and her children out. Sometimes I just want to clobber my DH.   My DH did barbeque yesterday and it was wonderful as usually. He can fix anything and it will be great. The boston butt was so tender and juicy, I ate way to much and to fast also. The meat kinda hurt a little. I made fresh green beans and corn on the cob. I also eat some dot ice cream. I know I ate to much, so I will start the day with a protien shake and a glass of water. I didn't get all my water in yesterday. The scale was up this morning, not surprised. I thought that I might weight myself, but figured that I need to face the music. It wasn't quite as bad I as thought it might be.   Today will be a good day. I will drink lots of water and I will be busy and try to get my excersize. I will not eat just because I'm unhappy, I will try to busy myself and stay out of the kitchen.   I'm feeling much stronger today, than yesterday.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Can't sleep tonight

Don't know why some nights I just can't sleep. I need to sleep tonight have a lot to do tomorrow. I leave Thursday for a weekend at my Aunts house in Texas. I still need to pack and pay bills and run some errands tomorrow. I have so much on my mind and just doesn't want to shut down tonight so here it is 3:30 and I'm still awake. I was due to get a fill yesterday, but I postponed that till I get back. I was afraid that anymore in my band might make me to full right now. I'm at 3.5 cc in my 4 cc band and didn't want to get somewhere and not be able to enjoy myself. I haven't lost any weight in the last 4 weeks. I just bounce around the 265 mark. Some days I'm at 262 or 263 then the next I'm back at 265. I hope this goes down one of these days. I really need to make better choices. I always start out strong then get weaker as the day wears on. I have found that my protien shakes really help, some days I have them for breakfast and other days I have them for lunch. I wish I could leave cheese alone, guess I will just have to quit buying it like I did with cookies. Well hope this trip goes good, since I'm going with my sister and she doesn't like to fly. It's a short flight only 2 hours and its non-stop so that should help. I hope I get sleepy soon or its going to be time to get up for the day. I not sleepy yet.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Back from the Doctor

Just got back from the doctor. I lost only 3.2 lbs, for a for a total fo 30.6 lbs. I can have only clear liquids today and full liquids tomorrow. I seem only to lose on those two days of the month. I'm going to change what I eat. I'm going to try more protien. I don't really like protien, but will try to eat more.   I'm really discourged, but I really need to accept some to the blame for not losing more. I eat way to many carb and not the correct kind of carbs. I love fruit and veggie and I need to figure out how to eat them with out eating to many. I need to rid myself of my chocolate addiction. I just love chocolate. I gave up diet coke, surely I can give up chocolate. Most sweets don't bother me. I know that I can't have cookies or brownies in my house. If I have them around I'm doomed from the start. I done real good not buying them.   I really ready to go to a smaller size. I'm still wearing the same things. My clothes were so tight and now they are getting loose. Maybe a few more pounds and I will be able to get into something smaller. I really want to change everything in my life. I want to wear really cute clothes. I tried on some 2x clothes this morning, but I didn't like the way my stomach looked in the clothes. It will probably be hanging to my knees by the time I lose all this weight.   I know I will do better. Just disappointed that I didn't do better this month.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

WHY, WHY, WHY

WHY do I want to eat anything in sight somedays and I have no hunger the other day. I don't understand why I do this. Why can't all days be the same it would be so much easier to lose weight.   Today so far isn't so bad, yesterday I wanted eat everything in sight. I was at the store today, I walked by the cookies and didn't buy any. I really, really wanted to, but I know that I would eat them and that won't help the cause at all. I have to have these small victories, it helps with the self esteem. I did get some more fresh cut up fruit, that seems to help some.   I will over come this weight. I still can't imagine myself thin, wish I could. If I could see myself thin them maybe I could stick to the food plan better. I know I will do better this week.   Next week my DH will be out camping with his high school buddies. They have been doing this for 30+ years. Will they every grow up. It didn't use to bother me that they did this, but then I finally realized that he had spend more vacations with his buddies then he had with me. I really tired of these so call camping vacations, but hes going to do it all the same. I now plan more trips with my girlfriend who isn't married. Most of married women can't seem to get away with this kind of behavior. He doesn't say a word, or he can't say anything about me going with my girlfriend.   Oh well, what I really worried about next week is being alone with myself. I try will hard to be accountable to myself, cause it is really only me that I hurting. I will have to write a lot next week to keep up with all thoughts that I will be dealing with while alone in the house.   I know I can do this, I can only relie on myself.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

I'm back

Got back from Texas yesterday and I soooo glad to be home. I really missed that new bed, the sleep number bed. It was really nice down there, the temps were in the middle 80's most of the time. My aunts house is really cute. The dogs are something else, but they were nice and when they are sleeping you would never of guess that there was 8 dogs in the house. The really great news is I didn't gain any weight while I was there:whoo::whoo:. My sister did really good on the flight down and back. It was a little bumpy coming home. I now have to get busy and try to lose more weight before the holidays get here. It's not that long till thanksgiveing and Christmas is right around the block and coming fast. I now that this is going to be a great week.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Really disappointed in weight loss

Just got back from my 3rd fill. I'm now at 2cc in my 4cc band. I hope I get some restriction now. I only lost 4.2 lbs,:angry for a grand total of 28 lbs. :angryI really wanted to lose 10 lbs a month, but only 4.2 lbs. I have started to walk need to increase that, I have to watch my fat intake, nothing that has more than 30% fat in it. Eat my protien 1st and drink more water, more water and more water. I know I'm not eating nearly as much as I use to eat, when is the scales going to start dropping. I think I will try doing the weight watchers diet, I have always lost good on it and maybe that will help me get started. I know that I have to eat my protien 1st and then my veggies. I'm not much of a meat eater so I will try to add beans and some cheese, but I have to stay away from to much cheese. I have never been able to lose when eating cheese. I use reduced fat dressing and 2% cheese, skimmed milk. I need to eat fish, have never ever liked fish unless it was fish and chips. I have not still had a diet coke and i have only ate bread twice. I have had way to many sweets, reduced fat ice cream, a couple of cookies once and while. I have made my own smoothies. I use skimmed milk, frozen strawberries, a banana, and sweetner. I'm really trying, but just don't seem to lose. I'm really really down today, maybe tomorrow I will feel better about what I have lost. I know that I haven't gained and I'm moving more. I want to buy some new clothes in smaller size, but I havn't lost enough yet to do that. It's got to get better.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Still at a stand still, still my own doing

I'm not losing, but it is my own fault. I need to make better choices, I know I've been saying that for months. I know what I need to do, but I just don't make the correct choices. I start everyday thinking today will be the day that I will make the great change that I need to make. Then about half way through the day I make the choice to eat something I shouldn't or I choose to eat to much. I'm still really disappointed that I can eat to much. I still eating about 2 cups at a time or more. My pouch is not stretched out they checked it last month when I was in for a fill. I guess I will have them remove all the liquid from my band and see if it really has 3.9 cc of liquid in it. It seem like I have some restrcition for a few days, then I'm back to where I was. If it has a leak I wonder what they will do. I wonder if you have to have it replaced. Right now I'm so discourged that I don't know if I would have it removed and a new on placed. I know I have lost 30 lbs and I have kept it off for the most part. I think the largest amount I have lost is 35 lbs, but I did gain some it back. Oh well, guess I will get up and go do my shopping and do some extra rounds around the walmart so I will have some excersise today. Its so cold outside that I haven't been doing anything. Again thats a excuse, and I need to just do it. I just have to fight all my negative thoughts. My primary doctor was pleased with my labs yesterday. Ha1c was 5.9 which is really good. My cholesterol was really good 122. So there is some medical good news. I really wanted to lose some more before we leave for vacation. We leave in 2 weeks, so I guess I will not be any smaller than I was 6 or 7 months ago. I haven't lost since last June. I'm just so disappointed. I really thought I would not be hungry and I would not be able to eat very much, so far wrong on both accounts. I think I though if I wasn't hungry and couldn't eat very much I would lose and the rest of what I had to do would just fall in place. It was just a dream that I could do this.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

back from another fill

I just got back from the doctors office. I got another .2cc in my band. I hope this works. I really want to be able to get that magical 1/2 cup that I see everyone talking about. I still have been able to eat 1 1/2 cups to 2 cups and I really want to lose weight. I'm going to Florida in January and I hope to be down another 10 lbs. I will have to work really hard to get there with the holidays just around the corner. I'm not real upset that I had gain 1lb this past six weeks. I knew that I'm not anywhere near perfect. I really don't make good decisions when it come to food. I know I'm a emotional eater and that I will have more to over come than a lot of people. Well my challenge is to lose 10 lbs by January 15. Let's see if I can do it.
carol1951

carol1951

1
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