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4-28-08

I have had this love affair with food since I was little. I can remember eating to much or wanting to eat more since I was maybe 7 or 8 years old. I'm trying to figure out just why I love food so much. I learned to cook when I was only 7 or 8 and I think I just loved the praise that I got. I don't remember being told that I was loved or being good at anything. I think I praise I got from cooking and it took over my life. I have always done a good job of cooking. I love to bake and I love to cook for a crowd. I don't cook much anymore since its just my husband and me. I miss that alot. I have always ate to fill that hole that is never filled. I think I have used food all my life to get that feeling of of love. I don't think I have every really felt love by anyone. I know that my husband has stay with me, but down deep I always felt 2nd best. He is not very open with his feeling and never says I LOVE YOU. He always says I should know that he loves me. I have tried to explain to him that the words make me feel good. So if he ingores my feeling just how much does he really love me ? I know that I was told very young that my mother only had me because my dad wanted another baby. I always tried to buy things for my parents in hopes that the would love me best. I always knew that my mothers farovite was my sister and my dads was my brother. My oldest brother was deaf and was alway hard to deal with and I think my dad always felt like he was not good enough, or maybe he was ashamed of him so the was never the farovite of my parents. My mother always over did with him trying to make up for his disablity. He was away at school when I was little and I did know him very well, he was home in the summer only. I don't know if this will help, but I have to put some of these thoughts down so I can begin to understand why I eat so much. Most of the time I feel like a failure and again I'm failing at losing weight.   I did go to the y this am and walked for 15 minutes. This is really good for me. I got a bathing suit and I'm going to try water arobics for people with arthritis. I hope tomorrow I will have enought nerve to actually put that suit on and get in the water. I don't think I can go for 1 hour, but will try to do it as long as I can. I have to start somewhere and my knees hurt so much. I read all the time how much better peoples knees feel after losing weight. I just have to do this, I want to do this.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

4-17-08

It been six years ago tonight that my daddy died, I really missing him today. Its really been hard since my parents have been gone. Didn't really know how much I loved them. I wish I could just call them up and talk for awhile. Silly but I wish I could have some of their wise words to live by right now.   I'm still at a stand still. I must be the craziest person alive. I don't think I have read where anyone else is not losing, just me. 13 months and just 30lbs and holding. I know I must do better. The doctor gave me a new prescription for pain meds, so maybe that will help with the pain in my knees. I really want to walk and move more, but when I go the the y I come home and can't move much for the next couple of days. Will see if the pills help me. I want to lose this ungodly fat so the knee and joints feel better.   See what tomorrow brings.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

3-31-08

I didn't weight this morning so have any idea how I'm doing. I know that I'm feeling fuller now, but I still make the wrong choices at times other times I do better. My knee is much better than last Monday, but still can't walk on it very long. I can't decide rather to go to the "Y" or not today. I know I can't walk very far, but any movement would be better than none. I'm thinking of joining weight watchers again. I have to get this under control. I go back to the doctor next week, I think and I haven't lost a single pound. We will see if there is still 3 cc in my band or if it has a leak. Not sure I really want to know, because I don't know if I want to go through surgery again. I need to know if there is anything we can do beside surgery. I keep wondering if I'm the only one in this world that is going through this. I surely not the only one that has trouble making good decisions. I have decided that as soon as my knee feels better I going to find myself a part time job. Maybe if I'm working part time I will not have so much time to feel sorry for myself. Will see if my knee gets better or not. I haven't been to the doctor yet, but I know what they will say, "You need to lose weight before we do anything." Of course I know they are right, but bad knees do run in this family. My grandmother had knee problems and my dad had both of his knees replaced, and my brother has had one done and is doing the other one this coming fall. My sister has problems with her knee since she was a kid. She was told she had water on her knee then and they still hurt her, but she refuses to go to the doctor for hers. Yes my brother and sister are not overweight as I'm, in fact my sister is very skinny sometimes I worry about her eating. Oh well enough for today, I will have a good day. I will stick to some kind of program today. I know its one day at a time.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

3-24-08

I'm not losing and its all my fault. I just can't seem to leave food alone. I need to track what I'm eating. I really don't think I'm eating that much, but I don't eat the right things. Way to much easy stuff. To many chips and sweets, I do try to eat more the good stuff. My breakfast is either a protien shake or weight control oatmeal, but then I alway follow that with something not so good for me, like pudding, or cheese. I really love cheese and it doesn't love me. I have never been able to lose weight when I eat cheese. I may start going back to weight watchers. I have alway been able to lose with weight watchers. I still think I may need a shrink that deals with people that have eating disorders. I just don't know if I can afford a shrink. I hurt my knee again on Saturday. I was out in the yard picking up sticks and when I got back in the house I could hardly walk. It hurt soooo bad. Its a little better today. I should go to the doctor, but they will just tell me that they can't do anything till I lose weight. I have to lose this weight. I'm so tire of feel so bad. Why can't I do this, its been a year since I got the band and I really thought this would do the trick, but no not for me. I feel so stupid. Why can't I do this. What am I so afraid of that I can't let food go? Why am I punshing my self with food? Why do I love food so much? It doesn't love me, in fact it hates me, just like everyone else in my life. I really need some good support, but people just don't like me. What do I do that turns people off? I know I can't talk with people I never learned how to talk with people. I feel so helpless. I really need help, I need someone to talk with. I always feel like everyone is judging me. I just don't measure up.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

3-11-08 Another fill

Just back from the doctor. I did another barium swallow, everything fine. I really think the nurse thought I have stretch my pouch, but I hadn't. She then pull all the fluid from my band, low and behold I had just 2.2 cc of fluid. Not much for going and getting a fill every 4 weeks for the the last year. Up till today they put 4.3 cc in the band. That explains why I don't have much restriction. She put the fluid back and gave me another 1 cc. She want to see what I have in there next month, maybe a leak. I hope I don't have a leak, but it would make me fill better. I have been beating myself up for the last seven months or so. I thought I was just not working the band. Sometimes I though I was just crazy, I hope that this works this time. I really want to lose weight.   Last week on Thursday as I was walking into the beauty shop my hip pop or did something funky and now it really hurts to walk. I know the doctors, ortho will not do anything till I lose weight. I joined the Y last week also, so now I just can't walk that good. I'm still thinking of going to the pool, its a warm water pool, but I'm so self conscious about being in a bathing suit. I was hoping the warm water would help with the discomfort.   I hope I do better now. I really want to lose weight. We are to go to Hawaii this fall for our anniversary and I want so much to feel better. I really thought that I would be alot lighter by now. It's been a year on the 3/20/2008 and I've only lost around 30 lbs and I lost that in the first 3 months. I have gain some back but I'm still around 30 lbs. I worry that I made a wrong choice in getting the band, but if its got a leak then maybe I can go forward from here and make a go of it.   Life is not alway fair.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

2-28-08

So far I'm doing better this week, but I feel I'm doing it all by myself. I still don't feel alot restriction from the band. I can still eat 2 cups at least at a meal. I have tried to stick to 1 cup at a meal but I get really hungry in about 1 to 2 hours. My stomach makes really horrible noises also. Today after my protien shake for breakfast I went shopping and didn't feel very good. Thought I would just past out before I got home. I was so hungry. I'm keeping track of what I eat this week on thedinnerplate.com, I'm trying to stay with in their calorie count to lose 2lbs a week. Will see if this works. I still think the doctor need to see if there is a leak in my band. After all I'm suppose to have 4.2 cc in my band. I would think it would have some effect on what I eat and how I feel when I eat. I really what this weight gone, so I guess for now I will have to do it on my own. If I'm going to do it on my own I wonder why I need this band. Oh well I have lost some and I have kept it off for a year, its just not as much as I wanted. I see other losing over 100 lbs in the same time and its really discourging to know that I have lost only around 30lbs. I want to feel better. My knees are killing me and I have so much trouble walking. I'm so stiff when I get up,you would think I was eighty. I did join the YMCA yesterday. I have to wait for them to call me as soon as the get the ok from my doctor to start working out. I hope that walking on a track will do me some good, as soon as I lose some more I will start to add to my excerise routine. Oh well time to go to bed. My stomach kinda upset tonight, it does that sometimes when I take my night meds.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

2-26-08

Really really discourged today. I've gain yet again. I have to get this under control. I really don't feel any restriction. I know I'm suppose to have 4.2 cc in my 4.0 cc band. I really don't believe it. I think there is a leak. They want me to have only 1 cup at a time, but I'm not filled up with only one cup. I just don't know what to do. I got this band thinking it would help me feel full, therefore I would not eat, but low and behold I'm hungry most of the time. I'm going to try to do liquids today till supper time. I hope this works. I have spent way to much money and time on this for it not to work. I think I will see about joining the y today. I need somewhere where I can go to walk. I'm hoping I can find a support group somewhere that will help me deal with my addiction to food. I'm really feeling like a huge failure at this. I could go back to weight watchers, I have had some luck with them at times, but thats just more money every week. I just don't know what to do. I have another appointment at the doctors in two week, debating on weather I will go or not. What good does it to go and have them put more fill in when its not doing anything. I would like to know if I really have that much in my band. If there is a leak what would they do. I have to decide if I want another band or maybe I should do bypass. I'm really conficted on this right now. If I don't go in two weeks when should I give up and have it removed. I just don't know what to do. I really really down right now.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

2-21-08

I'm beginning to think I need professional help with my eating. I can't seem to stop myself from eating all the wrong things. I know I'm eating way to much. They want me to eat only 1 cup at a time, but that just doesn't fill me up. Then there is the times I know I'm not hungry, but I just feel the need to eat something. Sometimes I crave sweets and sometimes it something salty. I try to reason with myself, but doesn't always work. I try to decide if something is on my mind and most of the time there really isn't anything. I know sometimes I'm just bored, so I try to find something else to do. I just have to get this under control.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

1st fill

Had my 1st fill yesterday at 10am. I can tell no differents yet. I'm on liquids till Friday. Hope on Friday I fine some differents on how much I can eat. I did lose only 1.4 lbs since my last visit to the doctor. That is really a little depressing, but I knew I was not losing and I knew I could eat way to much. I need to make better choices. I still getting many carbs. I not a great meat eater. I love cheese, but have never been able to lose weight when I eat to much cheese. I can eat beans but they are high in carbs. I don't eat eggs, I cant stand the smell or the taste of eggs. Besides I tried to eat scrambled eggs at the resturant last week and the didn't go down very good. I cant eat tuna but with the mayo and pickle relish that not to heathy either. I just have to start excerising I have no excuse now. I'm feeling much better and I'm getting my engery back. I just have to do this. The fill was the really really easy yesterday, I was really nervous, but it was a breeze.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

12-5-08

Haven't post in a month. Time just gets away from me at times. I went to the ortho doctor today and she did injections in both knees. I hope this helps for awhile. I need to get back to the "Y". I'm going to try water arobics three times a week for awhile. Been doing twice, but I have to kick start this weight lost. She will not do knee replacement till I lose more weight. I keep telling myself that I will feel better if I lose more, but the more the knees hurt the more I don't do. Stupid cycle and I know it.   Will do better, I keep telling myself that. Now I have to make it happen.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

12-4-07

Well I'm back from the doctors and I had gained 4 lbs. I told her that I don't always make the must choices. I can't eat bread and have to be careful with chicken and beef. I can eat to fast and need really chew my food. She told me she wanted to do a barium swallow to make sure the pounch and my esphougus was not stretched. So the swallow test turn out fine. So she put in 1cc and the had me drink water and started pulling out fluid till if felt the water do down. So ended up with another .2cc in my band. I now have 3.9cc in band. Will see if this makes a differance. I have been able to eat just about anything I want. I have never be restricted to just a 1/2 cup of food. I hope this makes a differance this time. I would love to drop a few pounds I know I have to do my part and start working the band. I'm doing much better. I have not brought any cookies or candy in a long time. I'm trying to eat my protien first. I need to decrease my carbs. Well today is a new day and I'm having a protien shake right now. So far so good. I don't feel like I'm a tight. Well see what the rest of the week brings. Got to get busy I have a tree to decorate.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

12-3-07

I'm thinking that I'm not doing so bad. I haven't lost anything in serveral months and that is really a dispointment. On the other hand I haven't gained either which is a major step for me at this time of the year. I go tomorrow to the doctor so will see what they have to say about my weight. I know I'm not working the band the way I should, but I do watch every bite that goes into my mouth good or bad. I'm trying to not buy anything that is sweet or to high in fat content. I feel a little stronger when fighting against my food addiction. I know I can win this battle some day its just going to take time. I have to just wait it out. Right now my stomach is growling it time to eat breakfast, but still have trouble in the morning with food going down. I'm learning to eat slower. Eating to fast is a big problem for me. All the years I ate so fast that I didn't even taste food. I guess I just wanted to fill up the hole in me and eating fast worked some of the time. I now still eat the bad stuff but I can't eat the any where as much as I did before the band. I also have to work on taking smaller bites, sometimes I forget and then the worst thing happens PB. So this is a learning process and I guess it just takes me a little longer to learn. I fight change in anything I do, so I will do it. It will just take time for me to make the changes. So I'm not unhappy as I was because I realize now that this is a learning process. So I go next week to my primary care doctor and will see how my labs are doing. I'm not thinking my HGBAC1 will be any better than it was the last time I went. I haven't been excersising as much as I should and we did just go through Halloween and Thanksgiving. If its under 6.5 I will be happy. It was 5.8 last time, but my med was cut in half. So if its under 6.5 I will be happy. Well we will see what the say tomorrow at the doctor. I know I can do this it will just take time.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

12-13-07

I'm really feeling better about the band right now then I have in the past few months. I have more restriction then I every have and it feels so good. I'm not hungry right now and its a wonderful feeling. Now if I can just kick in the excerise I think the weight would just about fall off. I have to get more activity going. The ice if falling off the trees today, and the sun is shining. I love sunshine. The talk is more snow tomorrow night and Saturday, I really hope they are wrong. I need sunshine to function at a good pace. I took my sister to airport this morning and I wish I was going with her to Hawaii. Oh well I will deal with what I have and count my blessing.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

12-11-07

Its been a week since my last fill and I think I have some restriction. I really can't eat as much as a week ago, but still not down to 1/2 cup. I really have to slow down and much smaller bites. I went last night with my sister to eat at Outback and I ate all my salad and most of the 7 oz. steak and some of the sweet potatoe. I seem to be much tighter in the AM than in the PM. I don't know if I need to get more fill or not. I will stay like this for a few week then see what happens.   I finely got the tree done and most of the boxes back downstairs. I was about to lose my mind with all the mess. I guess I need to get my small amount of shopping done. I really want to do baking next week for family and freinds. I want to get the cookie trays out to people by the end of next week. I still think its a little early to start any baking. I don't want that temptation around that long.   I hope I see some weight loss soon. I really would like to lose some before our vacation to Florida in January. We don't leave till the end of the month so maybe I can get some more off. Its so discourging see other losing with such a small fill. I can't believe how different we all are with fills. Why am I at 3.9 and other are happy with 1.5 or less. Oh well, I must not dwell on that I know it will work in its own time. I know I will do this. I will make better choices and will do this. I will be much health in the months to come from the effort I put out now. I will do this. I will do this. Nothing is going to keep me from doing this. I have to stay strong when all hell is breaking lose around me. I will not let other temp me. I will make the better choice. I will try to keep negative thought from over coming my better choices.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

11-28-07

Well I have finally got over the need to weight everyday. I guess I realize that I'm not going to lose very fast and weighting everyday just depressed me. I going next week to the doctor so will see how I'm doing then. I don't know if I want another fill or not. I do have trouble eating chicken, beef, and pork, it seem to want to set and spin in my stomach. I don't know if I'm not chewing well enough or if I'm eating to big a bites. I still don't do well in the am, I usually don't eat anything till lunch. I do protien shakes in the morning. Evening is still my biggest problem time of the day. I could eat a bear most of the time. My portions size is still way to big. Thats the one thing that makes me think I need another fill. I will have to talk with them next week and see what they think. Oh well need to get some things done today, Christmas is going to sneak up on me if I don't get busy.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

11-13-07

Still not doing so good, but I'm hanging in there. I make no excuses for my behavior. I know I'm doing this to myself, so I ask for no sympathy, but I do ask for understanding. I know this is not an easy path and if anyone thinks it its then they need a reality check. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm an emotional eater, which is make everything harder. Lots of thing play into my overeating, things that I must workout for myself. Some are childhood, marriage, and children issues. I'm trying to do better and some day are good and other are a bitch. I would like better restriction, but then I think maybe my restriction is good if I would work the program like I should. I still have problems with chicken and bread. I really miss bread, I didn't think I would because I was never a great big bread eater, but I would love to be able to eat a sandwich for lunch with some soup. I need to eat more salads. I have trouble first thing in the morning so I usually have a protien shake. I have found that if I eat cereal that cereal doesn't hold me nearly as well as the protien shake does. I have to keep busy or I do want to eat just because. The head hunger thing is really hard to control at times, but I try to keep busy that really helps. I know other people are doing so good and some day that will be me too. I will hang in and it will come just slower than most.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

11-04-08 election day

Well its been a long since I was here. I went on vacation and did really pretty good. I was at the my GP last week and I was done 10 lbs since I was there 3 or 4 months ago. He was happy and I was happy that all the good food we ate on vacation didn't have a bad effect on me. I did really good I don't know if it was because I was in a different place,but I just couldn't eat very much. I'm still making the all the wrong choices. All the bad stuff goes down really really to easy. I started yesterday to try to do better. I'm going to eat more protien and less carbs. I have a really bad problem with carbs. My AC1hgb was down to 5.7 which is really really good. I still haven't got back to going on a regular bases to the Y, but maybe in the next couple of weeks. Just seem like there has been a lot going on. My knees are still hurt really bad and hurt all the time. I just keep going, I know that I have to lose more weight before the will every do anything with my knees.   Oh well guess I will go stand in line to vote today. I feel it really important to do, I have never not vote in a national election.   Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Life is was to short to spend it like this.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

10-1-07

Can't believe that its October already, seem like it was just July yesterday. I haven't lost anymore weight, but I have no one to blamel, but myself. I really need to get a move on. I don't eat as much, but still can:faint: eat the wrong things. The wrong things go down way to easy. I have had a couple of pb's this past week and it seem if I eat to fast that's when it happens. I hope I'm getting closer on my fills. I have 3.5 cc in my 4cc band, but I not anywhere close to just eat 1/2 cup at a time. I may have stretched my pouch out. I just don't know. I just have no will power. I just eat when I'm sad, happy, hungry, not hungry. I can eat anytime, anywhere. I just don't understand what is wrong with me. I know I want this,but I guess I just don't want it bad enought to give up everything. I don't buy cookies anymore, I havn't had a diet coke, or bread since 3-19-2007. I can still eat ice cream, chips, cant eat muffins, can eat cake, can't eat pizza crust, can eat the topping off of pizza. I'm trying to peddle everyday, but today my knee is really sore. I need to join the Y, but I limited on money right now. So guess I'm just having a pitty party today. I have felt really weepy all day and really don't know why. Hope tomorrow is a better day than today.:faint::faint:
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

1-6-09

I went to the Y this morning and walked in the river for 35 minutes and then did 45 minutes of water arobics. Feeling really good then came home and ate all the stuff I shouldn't have. For two years I have sat here and wrote all the same things. Why do I do this. Why do I just keep on doing the wrong things. Why don't I feel like I deserve this. Why don't I love myself enough to do this. I know I don't feel good most of the time and I know that my weight is most of the problem. I have to lose weight so the will do the knee replacements so I will start to feel better. So why don't I just do it. What keeps me from doing what I know I should do.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

01-23-08

Leaving in 2 days, wish I was more excited about it. I really dread the drive. I will be long, driving from Missouri to Florida. I don't know why I dread the vacation, I know I will have a good time once I'm there. I don't know why I'm this way, but this is the way I always feel before we go somewhere. I worry about the house, cats, and of course my children and grandchildren. I just love being home. I don't every go anywhere except the to store and church. I really need to get involved in something else. I need to make more friends. I don't even go scrapbook anymore. I gave up the stamp club also. It worrys me that my husband is the same way. He never wants go anywhere, of course I blame myself for being so fat. He problem doesn't want to be seen with someone so big. At least he will go on vacation of course no one will know us. Oh well, just have fun.   Diet is going better, except today I could eat a horse if it were in front of me. I just have to keep busy and drink my water. I know I can do this. It is just going to take time. Everyday is a new day and a new beginning.
carol1951

carol1951

1
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