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4-28-08

I have had this love affair with food since I was little. I can remember eating to much or wanting to eat more since I was maybe 7 or 8 years old. I'm trying to figure out just why I love food so much. I learned to cook when I was only 7 or 8 and I think I just loved the praise that I got. I don't remember being told that I was loved or being good at anything. I think I praise I got from cooking and it took over my life. I have always done a good job of cooking. I love to bake and I love to cook for a crowd. I don't cook much anymore since its just my husband and me. I miss that alot. I have always ate to fill that hole that is never filled. I think I have used food all my life to get that feeling of of love. I don't think I have every really felt love by anyone. I know that my husband has stay with me, but down deep I always felt 2nd best. He is not very open with his feeling and never says I LOVE YOU. He always says I should know that he loves me. I have tried to explain to him that the words make me feel good. So if he ingores my feeling just how much does he really love me ? I know that I was told very young that my mother only had me because my dad wanted another baby. I always tried to buy things for my parents in hopes that the would love me best. I always knew that my mothers farovite was my sister and my dads was my brother. My oldest brother was deaf and was alway hard to deal with and I think my dad always felt like he was not good enough, or maybe he was ashamed of him so the was never the farovite of my parents. My mother always over did with him trying to make up for his disablity. He was away at school when I was little and I did know him very well, he was home in the summer only. I don't know if this will help, but I have to put some of these thoughts down so I can begin to understand why I eat so much. Most of the time I feel like a failure and again I'm failing at losing weight.   I did go to the y this am and walked for 15 minutes. This is really good for me. I got a bathing suit and I'm going to try water arobics for people with arthritis. I hope tomorrow I will have enought nerve to actually put that suit on and get in the water. I don't think I can go for 1 hour, but will try to do it as long as I can. I have to start somewhere and my knees hurt so much. I read all the time how much better peoples knees feel after losing weight. I just have to do this, I want to do this.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

8-3-07

Today is Dana's birthday, I can't believe its been 36 years since she made her enterance into this world. It would be a darker place without her.   I'm feeling much better today. My weight is back down 2lbs, which is a great relief. I had a pretty good day yesterday. I peddled for 6 minutes and I wore pedometer all day. I did do shopping yesterday, so today I will have to get out and walk for awhile. I want to figure out how many step I take in a week. I will then have a average to work on and then I will start to increase my step count. I just have to do something to start this weight loss. I tryed to eat more protien yesterday. Most protien is hard to get down. I need to slow down my eating and chew better. I let myself get to hungry before I eat. I must work on that.   It will be a wonderful day today. I can do this.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Really disappointed in weight loss

Just got back from my 3rd fill. I'm now at 2cc in my 4cc band. I hope I get some restriction now. I only lost 4.2 lbs,:angry for a grand total of 28 lbs. :angryI really wanted to lose 10 lbs a month, but only 4.2 lbs. I have started to walk need to increase that, I have to watch my fat intake, nothing that has more than 30% fat in it. Eat my protien 1st and drink more water, more water and more water. I know I'm not eating nearly as much as I use to eat, when is the scales going to start dropping. I think I will try doing the weight watchers diet, I have always lost good on it and maybe that will help me get started. I know that I have to eat my protien 1st and then my veggies. I'm not much of a meat eater so I will try to add beans and some cheese, but I have to stay away from to much cheese. I have never been able to lose when eating cheese. I use reduced fat dressing and 2% cheese, skimmed milk. I need to eat fish, have never ever liked fish unless it was fish and chips. I have not still had a diet coke and i have only ate bread twice. I have had way to many sweets, reduced fat ice cream, a couple of cookies once and while. I have made my own smoothies. I use skimmed milk, frozen strawberries, a banana, and sweetner. I'm really trying, but just don't seem to lose. I'm really really down today, maybe tomorrow I will feel better about what I have lost. I know that I haven't gained and I'm moving more. I want to buy some new clothes in smaller size, but I havn't lost enough yet to do that. It's got to get better.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

thankful that thanksgiving is over

Thank the Lord the holiday is over, and also my husband is back to work( he took last week off). It was a very quiet thanksgiving this year. I did cook, but ate very little. I didn't eat any turkey on turkey day. After cooking most of the day it wasn't very appealing, I did eat some cheese ball with crackers, a very small piece of pumpkin pie and small pie of dixie pie. I ate 7 layer salad, which was really good. I haven't gain over the holiday witch is a mircle in itself. So now I have to get down to business and try to lose some weight. I haven't lost anything in months, but really want to lose about 10 to 20 lbs before the end of January when we go on vacation. I'm tired of lugging around all this weight. I really tired of my clothes not fitting. The clothes thing is really getting to me. I have not changed sizes at all . You would think with losing 30 lbs something would of changed. All my clothes feel funny, like the don't go over my hips very good, but still they hang now between my legs. I just hate having to pull them up all the time. When I sit the crotch seems way to far down and I have to adjust the way I'm sitting or get up and pull them up. The front of my pant is way to big where my stomach so fit, but the butt is still to big. My body is just so weird. All of a sudden I have rolls on my legs that never were there before. I guess menopause has something to do with it. My skin is so dry now. This getting old is not what its cracked up to be. Well guess I will drink some more water and then eat some salad. The holiday will be a real test for this band. I guess I should just be glad that I'm not gaining any weight. I should name the band, but can't come up with the correct name. I know that a name will come to me sometime soon. Oh will things will be what they are suppose to be. I just have to have faith that all will happen in the correct time. I'm going to send all the sweet stuff out of the house, I can't handle sweet thing being in the house. I LOVE SWEETS. I MUST NOT HAVE THEM IN THE HOUSE. I MUST BE STRONG. I WILL HAVE A GOOD DAY AND A GOOD WEEK. I WILL LOSE SOMETHING THIS WEEK. I WILL TRY TO WALK MORE. I WILL NOT FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF. I WILL TRY TO MAKE MORE EFFORT IN ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS. I WILL LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES. I WILL EAT MORE PROTIEN. I WILL DRINK MORE WATER. I still haven't had a coke since the day before surgery. I miss my diet coke, sometime I really crave it. If I can give up diet coke, then I should be able to give up sweets.   Thank the Lord for this day and let me be thankful for all that the Lord has provided for me.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

monday, april 16, 2007

Had a good weekend. We had some snow in the area Friday nite into Saturday morning. Yesterday the sun was out.:clap2: They say it will be about 73 today I hope so, I need sunshine to function correctly. I was a hungry this weekend, but made it through ok. I'm not losing much right now. I seem to be able to eat almost anything, but have stuck to the diet for the most part. I would love to have some pizza and tacos, but if I give in to that craving I might fine out it to easy to eat all the wrong things. I have my 1st fill next week. I see online that most say to fast for a couple hours before, but I didn't get any info on that. So I will take advice of the blogger out there and fast for a while. Really nervous about the fill. Just don't know what will happen. I tried shrimp this weekend and it was fine, just had to chew more than some foods. I still have some trouble with chicken, but not bad. Still need to slow down, between bites. I have done a lot of cheese, cottage cheese, and yogurt. I have some different protien powders, but have not found one the is totally great. I miss my glocosamine, chondrotin. My right knee keeps me awake at nite. I fine myself waking up moaning. It gets very stiff and it really hurts to move it. I have tried a liquid glocsamine chondrotin, but it really is nasty. I will try crushing the pill again, it just it is a lot of pill powder to get down. Today will be a great day for weight loss and walking. I must walk today!!!!!!!
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

funky mood

I really in a funky mood today, was yesterday too. I've decide to not have any junk food for a whole month and see if that really helps. I have such a sweet tooth. I don't mind the chips and stuff, but I don't let anything sweet set in my house for more than a couple of minutes. I need to wien myself from all sweets. I don't care for ice cream either it more of the cookies, cakes and some candy. Chocolate candy is a big weakness. I will be keep my sugar free candies, they are the cinnimon disks.   I have to stay strong. I have not lost any weight for the last month. I really thought maybe I had the way I have been running to the bathroom to void all the time the last couple of days. Maybe it will take the scales a couple of days to catch up. I have been wearing my pedometer the last few day to see how little I walk. I want to a weeks worth of stats and then do a average and see if I can increase my steps by one hundred step per day for the next week. I want to get alot more active. I really disappointed in my DH cause he told me when I start this journey that he would walk with me. It hasn't happen yet. Maybe when it gets cooler he will decide to walk with me.   I'm trying real hard to have a really good week this week. I'm keeping track of my food intake and will excerise every day this week. My excerise is peddling on my peddle machine for at least 10 minutes a day. I know that doesn't sound like much, but with my bad knees and my inactivity it is a big thing for me.   WILL DO GOOD THIS WEEK. NO JUNK FOOD AND WILL EXCERISE EVERYDAY.   THURSDAY 4289 FRIDAY 2345 SATURADAY 2149 SUNDAY 2952
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

2-21-08

I'm beginning to think I need professional help with my eating. I can't seem to stop myself from eating all the wrong things. I know I'm eating way to much. They want me to eat only 1 cup at a time, but that just doesn't fill me up. Then there is the times I know I'm not hungry, but I just feel the need to eat something. Sometimes I crave sweets and sometimes it something salty. I try to reason with myself, but doesn't always work. I try to decide if something is on my mind and most of the time there really isn't anything. I know sometimes I'm just bored, so I try to find something else to do. I just have to get this under control.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

3-31-08

I didn't weight this morning so have any idea how I'm doing. I know that I'm feeling fuller now, but I still make the wrong choices at times other times I do better. My knee is much better than last Monday, but still can't walk on it very long. I can't decide rather to go to the "Y" or not today. I know I can't walk very far, but any movement would be better than none. I'm thinking of joining weight watchers again. I have to get this under control. I go back to the doctor next week, I think and I haven't lost a single pound. We will see if there is still 3 cc in my band or if it has a leak. Not sure I really want to know, because I don't know if I want to go through surgery again. I need to know if there is anything we can do beside surgery. I keep wondering if I'm the only one in this world that is going through this. I surely not the only one that has trouble making good decisions. I have decided that as soon as my knee feels better I going to find myself a part time job. Maybe if I'm working part time I will not have so much time to feel sorry for myself. Will see if my knee gets better or not. I haven't been to the doctor yet, but I know what they will say, "You need to lose weight before we do anything." Of course I know they are right, but bad knees do run in this family. My grandmother had knee problems and my dad had both of his knees replaced, and my brother has had one done and is doing the other one this coming fall. My sister has problems with her knee since she was a kid. She was told she had water on her knee then and they still hurt her, but she refuses to go to the doctor for hers. Yes my brother and sister are not overweight as I'm, in fact my sister is very skinny sometimes I worry about her eating. Oh well enough for today, I will have a good day. I will stick to some kind of program today. I know its one day at a time.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

8-7-07

Not having a bad day, just an plain old same day. I have tried to keep busy. I have made up serveral packets for my scrapbooking weekend coming up. I need to make a plan for that weekend. Food of course, so that I don't get taken by surprise with the food. We have a suite I think,but don't know if it has refrig or anything like that. If I eat out I will need to figure out when to go and what to eat before I get there. I know bread is out, so won't be going to any hamburger joints. Need to find some place with good protien sources. Need to find if the hotel has a refrig first, guess I should call the place. If the have a refrig I will just take some stuff to make a salad with chicken or roast beef, or may ham. I don't like breakfast so could take my smoothie maker and have protien shake for breakfast. I really hadn't given this any thought till now. This is the first time that I will be away for the weekend. Really looking forward to that.   I go next week for another fill I hope this is the one that really makes a difference. I have 2.5 cc in a 4 cc band. They are so expensive I really want to have the restriction I need.   I will try to eat more protien and try to stay away from cheese. I did have a couple of pieces of chocolate last night. No other junk food yesterday. I did peddle yesterday for 11 minutes, I think I will try for 15 tonight.   Stay strong, live long.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

maybe some restriction now

I'm feeling like I have some restriction now. Still having problems with my b/p. It seems like it goes down after I eat. I know when its to low I have some little black spots showup in my vision and sometimes I feel weak and dizzy. Everytime I'm at the doctor its just fine, but of course I haven't just eaten. Now this morning its 80/44 and I haven't eaten. I think I need to get a new b/p machine, but if its not reading me correctly, then what is my DH b/p. His is alway normal right after mine is so low. So far I'm getting along ok, but I do think it has a lot to do with my energy level.   So far since my fill on monday I have lost few pound, I hope this is a pernament lost. I ate yesterday for the 1 st time since monday and I did notice the feeling of being fuller quicker. I hope this is a good sign, because I would like to have a sweet spot and not need another fill for a couple of months. I have to pay for my own fills now. Insurance was only good through the month of June.   I believe my clothes are starting to get to big, will be excited to get in to something smaller. I'm still wearing all my same things. I probably could get in to something smaller, but I just hate tight clothes. My clothes were so tight right before my surgery that I was trying to find bigger clothes on the internet. Thank God I didn't buy anything. I'm tired of all the old clothes that I'm wearing, but will stay with them for a little longer. Maybe by fall I will need clothes a couple of sizes smaller. I hope I will be in 22 or 20. I started out in size 26-28. I will keep my fingers crossed.   Watched the some of the grandkids yesterday and I just love to have them around, but the do wear me out really really quick.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

5-1-08

Well I haven't lost a thing in a month, but I'm still holding my own. I guess I should be happy about that. I'm still wondering why I make the choices I do with food. I know that I'm addicted to food and I also just love food. I love to make it, eat it and share it with others. I'm doing better about what I keep in the house, I'm now avoiding the snacks in the house. I don't have any chips that I like in the house, no cookies either. I need now to focus on protien. They told me to eat more protien and fewer carbs. I love veggies, but I'm trying to cook less veggies and more just protien. I don't eat very much bread anymore, most of the time bread doesn't want to go down.   Well today is going to be a great day. See I say all the right things but turn right around and do just want I want to do, which is usually something to eat, which is not on the diet. I can always over eat on anything that I want to.   I really wish that they would take all food commericals off TV. They really make you want to eat all the wrong things. There is so much talk about food on the TV maybe I should learn to turn the TV off, but it is sometimes my only outlet to the outside world. Sometimes the TV makes me feel as if I will never have a normal weight, because I have so far to go and most people don't make. I want to be one of those people who make it. I want to feel good about myself. I want not to hurt all the time. I want to be out in the world and not feel like I'm a freak of nature.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

No fill this month

Went to the doctor on Tuesday and we decide not to do a fill for this month, as I do have some restriction and I'm leaving on vacation next week. Will be gone for two weeks and then I will go back on the 12th and see how I'm doing. Not losing but not gaining either. If I could jusl lose this sweet tooth that I have. I really crave sweets. I do pretty good with everything else. Just can't seem to leave them alone. I don't buy cookies any more, now I need not to make them anymore. I will send the rest of what I made on Tuesday home with my granddaughter today. I'm really trying hard to get all my water in and eating the right things. I wish my husband was more in to eating right. I wish he would eat more salad and stuff. He usually wants just meat and potatoes. Oh well I can't use him for an excuse. He eats pretty much what I put on the table. Oh well today is going ok will do much better tomorrow. My ped account this past week was pretty good for me. Everyday I made it over 2,000 steps each day. Now my next goal is to increase my steps by at least 100 to 200 more steps each day. I walk in plase some times just to get some steps in. Life isn't always fair.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

7-27-08 on the edge

I feel like I'm on the edge of very high cliff and it will only take a small push and I will be falling,falling and falling. I have only myself to blame for all my unhappiness. I keep looking for things and when I find them I'm just sick at heart.   I really don't know what to make of all the e-mails my husband gets from a former co-worker. Since he retired in April he almost always gets at least one e-mail a week from this person. Now I don't really care except he hides them from me. I know he gets them, then he deletes them. I know he replys because he gets replys back. I don't really know whats going on, but last Friday nite he got one from her home email not work and the title was "Man I could use a shoulder now." He reads them and never says whats going on, this last one he didn't delete completely off the computer. I want really bad to read it, but feel that is betraying him. I just don't know what is going on. I don't know how to ask him without sounding completely crazy.   I know he doesn't care for me like he use to. I know I disappoint him. I know I was never good enough for him. I know he hates it that I'm so fat. I know all these things why can't I just lose the weight, I know it would improve things alot. I feel as if he is ashamed to be seen with me. We never go anywhere. He never says I Love You, even through I have told him how important to me it is. I have asked to held and hugged, but he always acts like a little boy being punished. So I quite asking for him to do those things. He hates to hold hands or to kiss. What have I done wrong. I have done this for so long, that I don't really have any ideas anymore.   So tonight I feel as if I'm on the edge. I have always loved him. But he hides things from me and its not just the co-worker. There are other thing too and it hurts when you hear things from other people. Then when I say something he admits he knew, but just didn't tell me.   Life is so messy, so confusing and walls are so hard to break down.   He told me serveral years ago that he has never had an affair and he never would. I do really trust him, but it this other person that I don't trust. I just think its wrong to e-mail another persons spouse. Maybe if he told me what was going on it would be ok. I do know that she asked his to lunch sometime and I know so far he hasn't gone. Maybe I'm just to old fashioned. Maybe I'm just crazy. I do know that I'm scared that I will wake someday and he will be gone.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Cant sleep tonight

I don't know why I can't sleep tonight, so naturally I got up and ate some cereal and just had to have something else, so found some cookies. I knew I shouldn't have got them. I did it anyway. I'm really try to mess with my own head. It seems I always trying to put up road blocks. I wasn't mad or sad, it wasn't really emtional thing, I just wanted something to eat. Sometime when I can't sleep and I get something to eat I will fall to sleep faster. I should really be sleeping, as I got up at 4:45 this morning or should I say yesterday morning. Took Tracy and Caleb to the airport. Shes taking Caleb to Disney World for a few days. He was so excited about the airplane ride. Oh for the wonder of youth again, not the jade thoughts of the old.   I have had a really good day otherwise. Guess I won't beat myself up over this. As Scarlet would say Theres always tomorrow.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

when will I give up

When will I give up these three pounds that I keep playing with. I go and I go down, why won't it just go away. I haven't lost a lb in the last month. I have increased my activity and I doing better most day with my eating. I still don't have the restriction that I want, but go next Tuesday for another fill. I hope this is the one, it will be my 5th fill. I still not low enough on the carbs. I do fine getting in the protien, but carbs are still a problem with me.   This addiction as I call it is hard to bust. Maybe I will never get rid of it. I just need to learn how to live with it. I really didn't think the other night that I was eating because of emotions, but as I was going to bed I realized that I was upset with my DH. I have to face it that most of the time I deal with all emotions with food. I love food, I can't remember I time that I didn't love food. I like to look at it. I like cook it. I like eat it. I love to talk about food. My life as been about food and after 56 years of food I don't know anything else. I hide behind food. I cover up feelings with food. I make it my relaxation. I live most minutes of my life thinking of food. It has gotten better since I got the band. I really don't think of food as often, but it still only takes a commerical on tv to set me off. I saw a commerical for kfc the other night and I swear my mouth started watering and I don't even like kfc. My love affair with food is coming to an end, but it is so hard.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

2-26-08

Really really discourged today. I've gain yet again. I have to get this under control. I really don't feel any restriction. I know I'm suppose to have 4.2 cc in my 4.0 cc band. I really don't believe it. I think there is a leak. They want me to have only 1 cup at a time, but I'm not filled up with only one cup. I just don't know what to do. I got this band thinking it would help me feel full, therefore I would not eat, but low and behold I'm hungry most of the time. I'm going to try to do liquids today till supper time. I hope this works. I have spent way to much money and time on this for it not to work. I think I will see about joining the y today. I need somewhere where I can go to walk. I'm hoping I can find a support group somewhere that will help me deal with my addiction to food. I'm really feeling like a huge failure at this. I could go back to weight watchers, I have had some luck with them at times, but thats just more money every week. I just don't know what to do. I have another appointment at the doctors in two week, debating on weather I will go or not. What good does it to go and have them put more fill in when its not doing anything. I would like to know if I really have that much in my band. If there is a leak what would they do. I have to decide if I want another band or maybe I should do bypass. I'm really conficted on this right now. If I don't go in two weeks when should I give up and have it removed. I just don't know what to do. I really really down right now.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

I'm I just nuts

I really want this to work, but I seem not to work at it. I just want the weight to fall off and I not have to do anything. I know thats nuts, but thats the way I feel. I didn't have to do any work to get here, why do I have to work to get rid of it. Crazy isn't it to think like that, but this morning thats the way I feel. Why is there days where you do great and then day when I could care less what I eat.   I weight this am and I back up again. I weighted 270.2 ths morning. I seem to only lose when I'm doing liquids. Maybe I should stick with liquids for a while. I don't know what to do.   I have got to track my calories (I do much better and I know I do better when tracking my calories). I have to excersize (which I hate to do, I have never found anything that I really enjoy). People tell to swim, but (I have known serveral people who have drowned). I don't mind walking( I just don't like doing it by myself--dogs you know).   I wish I could inlist my DH to excersize with me, but he hate it just as much as I do. Maybe this is his way of defeating my weight loss. He never encourges me or tells me I'm doing good. I think this journey is on my own. I really want to lose this weight. So I have to stop putting road block up or trying to blame someone else. I have to do this on my own(now).   I really miss my comfort foods. I still eat pizza, but only the topping, no crust for me. I really miss have a great hamburger, no bread for me. Bread seems to be the only thing I can't eat anymore. Everything else is ok. Meat I have to eat slowly or it hurts like the devil. All the other stuff goes down way to easy. I have had my third fill I'm at 2cc in a 4cc band, but I really don't have a lot of restriction yet. I read where some people can only eat 1/2 cup of food at a time. I can still eat a lot more then that. Maybe I have already stretched my pouch out to much. I don't have a clue, why I do this stuff to myself.   Today is a new day I will try to get a better handle on it today. I will use fitday.com, I will try some kind of excersize. I will drink my water, I know I didn't get anywhere close to drinking 64 oz yesterday, I might have gotten in 24 oz. I don't drink like I should (maybe that is why my weight was up this am). I will start right now with a bottle of water, then will try to eat something for breakfast. This will be a good day.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Can't sleep tonight

Don't know why some nights I just can't sleep. I need to sleep tonight have a lot to do tomorrow. I leave Thursday for a weekend at my Aunts house in Texas. I still need to pack and pay bills and run some errands tomorrow. I have so much on my mind and just doesn't want to shut down tonight so here it is 3:30 and I'm still awake. I was due to get a fill yesterday, but I postponed that till I get back. I was afraid that anymore in my band might make me to full right now. I'm at 3.5 cc in my 4 cc band and didn't want to get somewhere and not be able to enjoy myself. I haven't lost any weight in the last 4 weeks. I just bounce around the 265 mark. Some days I'm at 262 or 263 then the next I'm back at 265. I hope this goes down one of these days. I really need to make better choices. I always start out strong then get weaker as the day wears on. I have found that my protien shakes really help, some days I have them for breakfast and other days I have them for lunch. I wish I could leave cheese alone, guess I will just have to quit buying it like I did with cookies. Well hope this trip goes good, since I'm going with my sister and she doesn't like to fly. It's a short flight only 2 hours and its non-stop so that should help. I hope I get sleepy soon or its going to be time to get up for the day. I not sleepy yet.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

12-3-07

I'm thinking that I'm not doing so bad. I haven't lost anything in serveral months and that is really a dispointment. On the other hand I haven't gained either which is a major step for me at this time of the year. I go tomorrow to the doctor so will see what they have to say about my weight. I know I'm not working the band the way I should, but I do watch every bite that goes into my mouth good or bad. I'm trying to not buy anything that is sweet or to high in fat content. I feel a little stronger when fighting against my food addiction. I know I can win this battle some day its just going to take time. I have to just wait it out. Right now my stomach is growling it time to eat breakfast, but still have trouble in the morning with food going down. I'm learning to eat slower. Eating to fast is a big problem for me. All the years I ate so fast that I didn't even taste food. I guess I just wanted to fill up the hole in me and eating fast worked some of the time. I now still eat the bad stuff but I can't eat the any where as much as I did before the band. I also have to work on taking smaller bites, sometimes I forget and then the worst thing happens PB. So this is a learning process and I guess it just takes me a little longer to learn. I fight change in anything I do, so I will do it. It will just take time for me to make the changes. So I'm not unhappy as I was because I realize now that this is a learning process. So I go next week to my primary care doctor and will see how my labs are doing. I'm not thinking my HGBAC1 will be any better than it was the last time I went. I haven't been excersising as much as I should and we did just go through Halloween and Thanksgiving. If its under 6.5 I will be happy. It was 5.8 last time, but my med was cut in half. So if its under 6.5 I will be happy. Well we will see what the say tomorrow at the doctor. I know I can do this it will just take time.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

422007u

Ok I'm going to try this again for the 3rd time. I don't know what I have hit, but it earses everything. I figured out yesterday that most of diets have failed at the 4 week mark. Maybe its bordom, I really don't know. I ate some chips and dip yesterday. They went down way to easy. I have not had anything sweet (cookies, cake, pies, candy) in 5 weeks. I would kill for a brownie right now. I need to get through this next week, till my fill. I have read some of the thread and it makes me really nervous. I hope everthing goes well. I'm flirting with the 280 mark on my scales up one pound and down one pound. I walked to the cornor yesterday and back. Thats like two blocks. I need to get my strenght back. I have started to really get more done in the house, so maybe I have turned the cornor. I ate some shrimp yesterday and it did not stay down, won't try that again. Well I need to get up do something.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

6-3-08 feeling good

Just got done with the water areobics and I'm just lovingit. I thinking of adding the 3 day a week class, I'm doing the 2 day a week class now. That would make me go to the Y 5 days a week. I don't know if I would tire of this routine or not. But walking just kills my knees.   Its been 10 days since my last fill and I just love it now. Its taken a year for me to feel as if I have a band. I now have restriction which is wonderful. I'm not eating nearly as much and I don't think I'm thinking about eating all the time either. I can go server hours without thinking about food. I feel good. I hope this last for a very long time. I know I still to work on my eating habits. I still want to go for what is easy and not what takes time. I need to think ahead about meals, but I'm not thinking of food now. Its wonderful not to be thinking of food all the time. I really want to lose this weight. I trying to increase my step count, but not doing so good at that. But the water exercise is going to help.   FEELING GREAT. Now if my knee would stop hurting so much that would even be better.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

12-4-07

Well I'm back from the doctors and I had gained 4 lbs. I told her that I don't always make the must choices. I can't eat bread and have to be careful with chicken and beef. I can eat to fast and need really chew my food. She told me she wanted to do a barium swallow to make sure the pounch and my esphougus was not stretched. So the swallow test turn out fine. So she put in 1cc and the had me drink water and started pulling out fluid till if felt the water do down. So ended up with another .2cc in my band. I now have 3.9cc in band. Will see if this makes a differance. I have been able to eat just about anything I want. I have never be restricted to just a 1/2 cup of food. I hope this makes a differance this time. I would love to drop a few pounds I know I have to do my part and start working the band. I'm doing much better. I have not brought any cookies or candy in a long time. I'm trying to eat my protien first. I need to decrease my carbs. Well today is a new day and I'm having a protien shake right now. So far so good. I don't feel like I'm a tight. Well see what the rest of the week brings. Got to get busy I have a tree to decorate.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Still hanging on

I'm still hanging on and the weight is still here. I went to the Doc the first part of the month and had lost some since I had seem him in april or may. That was a good surprise and my Hc1 was really really good. I still need to work on portion size as I eat to much, but I still have lots of issues with stuff not wanting to go down. Yesterday was one of those day where I could eat very little esp. protien. I have a really hard time with protien. Yesterday morning I fixed some eggs, bacon and fried potatoes as I was just sick to death of cereal. After going to all the effort of fixing it I couldn't get much down. My cats loved the eggs with cheese in them and my husband loved the bacon and the potatoes just got thrown out. Lunch was a granola bar and supper was carrots and a rice casserole with not much protien except the cheese. Later I ate another granola bar. The granola bar did give me some troulbe last night as it just feels as if its just sitting there I also have trouble on these days with my med. Sometimes the feel as if the are just caught in my throat.   Even those I do have some problem I'm still glad that I have my band or I would probably be a lot heavier than I am. I still need to lose more so that I can get my knees worked on. The hurt so bad and I don't think people realize how much they hurt. Its so hard to go up and down the stairs.   As for my husband and his little friend from the office I ask what her story was and he told me some of what he wanted me to know. I'm sure there is more. She still e-mails him serveral times a week that I know of. He makes it a point to tell me when she does, but only if he thinks I know there is a e-mail. Like he will get one and reply and delete everything, but she replies back and you can tell that he had already reply once before. I think he thinks I'm stupid. He swears there is nothing going on, but he makes himself look guilt. I really don't think there is anything going on, but I guess he doesn't trust me. Maybe he thinks he is protecting me so that my feeling won't be hurt, but hiding thing just makes him look bad.   I'm so glad have this blog so that I can rant and rave when ever I want too. It helps to write it down.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

01-23-08

Leaving in 2 days, wish I was more excited about it. I really dread the drive. I will be long, driving from Missouri to Florida. I don't know why I dread the vacation, I know I will have a good time once I'm there. I don't know why I'm this way, but this is the way I always feel before we go somewhere. I worry about the house, cats, and of course my children and grandchildren. I just love being home. I don't every go anywhere except the to store and church. I really need to get involved in something else. I need to make more friends. I don't even go scrapbook anymore. I gave up the stamp club also. It worrys me that my husband is the same way. He never wants go anywhere, of course I blame myself for being so fat. He problem doesn't want to be seen with someone so big. At least he will go on vacation of course no one will know us. Oh well, just have fun.   Diet is going better, except today I could eat a horse if it were in front of me. I just have to keep busy and drink my water. I know I can do this. It is just going to take time. Everyday is a new day and a new beginning.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

another fill today

I went for another fill today. I had only lost 2.2 lbs this last month. They added another .5 cc so now I have 3.0 cc in my 4 cc band. I hope this works this time. I'm just a little discouraged, not down like I was last time. I knew that I hadn't lost very much by my own scales. I will have to try harder this time. The post fill diet really s####. I can't stand the clear liquid part of it, tomorrow I can have full liquids. I'm not sure why the have you do this. Oh well its only 2 days out of my life. I WANT RESTRICTION. I WANT TO LOSE MORE THAN 2 LBS A MONTH. At 2 lbs a month it will take me more than 5 years to lose this weight. I will be older than dirt by that time. I shouldn't whine, at least I didn't gain and anything is better than nothing.   I think I fight losing, I get tired of trying to do all the stuff they said we should do. I hate going to fitday and I now refuse to do that. I should only have to eat my small amount and be happy with that. I'm trying to excersise more, I hope it cools off soon. I want to get outside and walk. Won't belong and I will whine because of the cold weather. Oh well I must get on with my diet and my life. I WILL LOSE THIS WEIGHT.
carol1951

carol1951

1
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