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Just another day

I so sad today. I have to ask my daughter for the car she is driving. She got it three years ago and said she would pay for it. She hasn't made a payment yet. I just can't pay for it anymore. I don't know why she doesn't at least give me some money. I could work with that. I told her to at least give me some money weekly. I know she has 4 kids and husband that can't or won't work. I know without the car she can't get to work. I told her that the house payment and the car payment are the 1st thing you pay each month. Without the car she can't get to work. I didn't want the grandkids riding around in a piece of junk. We signed for this car when she was getting a divorce, and she is remarried to a bum. I can't believe she puts up with all his excuses about find a job. She can't even buy a car because he has ruined her credit. I just don't know what to do. I love her, but I can't keep bailing her out of messes. She is 31 years old. She has just taken on her husbands child whos mother decided that she didn't want the child anymore. She has 5 kids in that small house, which I help her buy. I just don't know what to do. If her father my DH finds out that I'm still helping her He will be so mad at me. I'm such a mess. No wonder I can't seem to diet very good. So much stress. So much anger. So much hunger.
carol1951

carol1951

3
 

Back from the Doctor

Just got back from the doctor. I lost only 3.2 lbs, for a for a total fo 30.6 lbs. I can have only clear liquids today and full liquids tomorrow. I seem only to lose on those two days of the month. I'm going to change what I eat. I'm going to try more protien. I don't really like protien, but will try to eat more.   I'm really discourged, but I really need to accept some to the blame for not losing more. I eat way to many carb and not the correct kind of carbs. I love fruit and veggie and I need to figure out how to eat them with out eating to many. I need to rid myself of my chocolate addiction. I just love chocolate. I gave up diet coke, surely I can give up chocolate. Most sweets don't bother me. I know that I can't have cookies or brownies in my house. If I have them around I'm doomed from the start. I done real good not buying them.   I really ready to go to a smaller size. I'm still wearing the same things. My clothes were so tight and now they are getting loose. Maybe a few more pounds and I will be able to get into something smaller. I really want to change everything in my life. I want to wear really cute clothes. I tried on some 2x clothes this morning, but I didn't like the way my stomach looked in the clothes. It will probably be hanging to my knees by the time I lose all this weight.   I know I will do better. Just disappointed that I didn't do better this month.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

was a quiet day

Today was been a quiet day for me. I did some house cleaning. I have felt a little more restriction today than most days. Maybe it the weather, I don't know how to explain was some days we feel restricted and some days we have know restriction. I just can't eat bread it just doesn't want to go down very good.   Well I still haven't heard from my DH today. He call yesterday evening and I could hardly talk with him I'm mad and hurt that he hadn't called on Sunday nite or Monday nite. I know I'm just being childish, but I want to know that I'm important to him. I always feel like if he calls me in front of his friends that he will think he will look like he's pussy whipped. I really don't like hearing things from other people. Like the time we were at a new years eve party and I was asked why I never came to the fish fries. Well I didn't know that any of the guys wives and girlfriend attend. Of course my husband said he never said anything because he knew that I wouldn't go because I don't like fish. I feel like he really didn'l want me there. I really feel like I probably embaress him. I really never know how to talk to people and I'm so big. He keeps things from me, like when his best friend was messing around with another woman. I heard it from my mother that his best friend was getting a divorce because of his affair. When I asked my husband he said yeah he knew. He did it one other time when our friends husband did the same thing, they didn't get a divorce. That time he said he didn't tell me because he didn't think I could keep my mouth shut. He also did with another set of friends. I to this day he has never told me about that one. I learn about it from his sister-in-law. Is it just a guy thing, thinking that they are protecting each other or what. So I wonder if he has every had an affair. He says he has never cheated on me. I use to trust his every word. The last couple of years has changed that. I am so dumb sometimes. I believe most anything anyone tells me.   Oh well I'm just down tonight, it will be better tomorrow. I just have to keep busy.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

What have I done

What in the world is wrong with me. I went to the grocery store this morning and got all the wrong things. I got a piece of pie, ice cream, muffins and a candy bar. Why do I do this??? I know better then this. I really thing sometimes I a crazy as a loon. I did eat a muffin, but thank God it didn't go down well, won't eating any more of those. On the other had the pie went down way to easy, I only ate the filling could of care less about the crust. By the way it was coconut cream my farovite pie. So now I'm beating myself up over doing something so stupid. I guess is was really unhappy that I haven't heard from my DH yet. Maybe he will take time to call tonight. I know he is probably having a ball, but I would like to know that he does think of me once and a while.   I have been busy this week cleaning my scrapebooking room and that is good. I have not slept well the last two nights which I believe doesn't help matter when I'm down. I always turn to food. I need to find something to replace food with. I'm trying to stay busy and keep my hands busy so that I don't turn to food. I must say though I don't eat nearly has much as I use to. If this had been before the band I probably would have comesumed a lot more than just a muffin and a pie filling. By the way that is all that I have ate today. I am not hungry in the least and will just have salad tonight for my supper. I will fix a taco salad with ground beef (97% fat free), lettuce, ranch style beans, tomato, and a small amount of fritos (for crunch) and then dressing(green goddess). I will have extra meat and go light on the dressing. I have been drinking water pretty good this week I need to get more water in everyday.   Oh well guess I will go clean some more. This journal really helps me. I guess it could have been worst. I really don't eat as much as I use to. I will try to go walk a little pretty soon. A cold front to to go through today and tomorrow will only be in the low 80's. Can't wait I will turn off the air and enjoy the fresh air for a few days.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Home alone again

My DH just left for his big week long camping out with his highschool buddies. I know he couldn't hardly wait to go, he tries to play it down, but I know he can't wait to get there. I just wish he would get tired of them. They have been doing this for 30+ years. I think this is the first year one of the guys is only going to be there one evening. Maybe the rest will get tire of acting like kids and grow up. I know he has fun, but after 30 years it about time to give it up.   I'm alone in the house and I have so much I need to be doing, but I have yet to get started. I usually get a lot done this week, while hes out of the house. He isn't going to Canada fishing this year, this will be the first year in about 20 that he hasn't done that. He spends more time with his buddies camping and fishing then he has with me in the 37 years. I can count on one hand how many vacations we have had together. I should never have let him start all the trips, but I was busy with kids, working, and I never seem to have the vacation time. You know I always had to take time off when the kids were sick, so I never had the time for vacations. Now that I have retired from the work force you think we would go somewhere, but no we don't. I went to New York with my girlfriend in May for 4 nights and five days, of course my DH couldn't get off work. That the usually excuse that I hear a lot when I want to go some where. He always has time for his camping trips. It really hurts my feeling. I really tried to tell him couple of years ago how I felt, but as usally he is not in tune with my feeling. He alway makes me feel guilty about things. I always felt like he is a good provider and he deserved to have special time, but sometimes I just wish we want to have the time with me. Oh well I'm just feeling sorry for myself today.   The challenge for this week is to be good while I'm by myself. I know is will go good. I hope to get a lot done.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Glad this holiday is over

I just don't like holidays anymore, I use to love the 4th, but now it just reminds me how everything has changed. I would love to have all my kids over, but my DH is still mad at of middle daughter. If I can't have all of them then, I will not have any of them here. I will not leave her and her children out. Sometimes I just want to clobber my DH.   My DH did barbeque yesterday and it was wonderful as usually. He can fix anything and it will be great. The boston butt was so tender and juicy, I ate way to much and to fast also. The meat kinda hurt a little. I made fresh green beans and corn on the cob. I also eat some dot ice cream. I know I ate to much, so I will start the day with a protien shake and a glass of water. I didn't get all my water in yesterday. The scale was up this morning, not surprised. I thought that I might weight myself, but figured that I need to face the music. It wasn't quite as bad I as thought it might be.   Today will be a good day. I will drink lots of water and I will be busy and try to get my excersize. I will not eat just because I'm unhappy, I will try to busy myself and stay out of the kitchen.   I'm feeling much stronger today, than yesterday.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

WHY, WHY, WHY

WHY do I want to eat anything in sight somedays and I have no hunger the other day. I don't understand why I do this. Why can't all days be the same it would be so much easier to lose weight.   Today so far isn't so bad, yesterday I wanted eat everything in sight. I was at the store today, I walked by the cookies and didn't buy any. I really, really wanted to, but I know that I would eat them and that won't help the cause at all. I have to have these small victories, it helps with the self esteem. I did get some more fresh cut up fruit, that seems to help some.   I will over come this weight. I still can't imagine myself thin, wish I could. If I could see myself thin them maybe I could stick to the food plan better. I know I will do better this week.   Next week my DH will be out camping with his high school buddies. They have been doing this for 30+ years. Will they every grow up. It didn't use to bother me that they did this, but then I finally realized that he had spend more vacations with his buddies then he had with me. I really tired of these so call camping vacations, but hes going to do it all the same. I now plan more trips with my girlfriend who isn't married. Most of married women can't seem to get away with this kind of behavior. He doesn't say a word, or he can't say anything about me going with my girlfriend.   Oh well, what I really worried about next week is being alone with myself. I try will hard to be accountable to myself, cause it is really only me that I hurting. I will have to write a lot next week to keep up with all thoughts that I will be dealing with while alone in the house.   I know I can do this, I can only relie on myself.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

lot going on this weekend

I trying to get stuff ready for a garage sale at Dana's tomorrow. I have stuff in the van, but DH won't be home till late, so can't get stuff for the truck till later.   I weight again this am down to 268.2 this morning. Here goes the yo-yo between to numbers. I did do better yesterday with my drinking. Of course that included a protien shake that I had for lunch. I still am able to eat a lot. I worry that I have stretched out my pouch. I'm eating around 2-3 cups of food at a time. I do pretty good between meals. I don't snack very often. Not like I use to, which was pretty much all day long. It was just one long meal from time I got up till I went to bed. I now go 2-3 hours at time and some times I don't even think about eating. Thats amazing to me because I have thought so much about food all my life that even a couple of hours without a food thought is a miricle in its self.   I still can't trust that I will ever be thin or thinner then I am now. Its be so long I don't even remember being thin any more. I think I need to change my thinking. I get really discouraged because I can't believe that this will work for me. Nothing has ever worked for me, so why would this. This thinking is very distructive, because if I get just a down then I just want to throw in the towel and eat whatever is available. I'm trying not to buy things that will be easy to grab and eat. Thats what I like to do, is grab and eat. I had a very hard time this morning trying to decide what to eat for breakfast. 1st I wanted something very easy to grab and eat. 2nd I don't care for breakfast foods. 3rd I don't want to take the time to cook something.   Will I every learn to be a normal person :faint:
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

sunshine today

Monday, July 2, 2007. Looks like we will have some sunshine today:whoo::whoo:. I'm so tired of all the clouds and rain we have been having. I worked out in the yard for about an hour yesterday. I need to go walk or do something for excersize today, besides laundry. I did pretty good this weekend. It really helps not having anything in the house to eat. I did have some problems with my pizza Friday nite. I know better than to try the crust. I usaully only eat the toppings only, but since we were babysitting I forgot and ate the crust. I slimed just a small amount. Then Saturday nite my hamburger(without the bun) did want to go down either. I did really bad on the water front on Saturday, Sunday was much better. It helps when I do a protien shake also. THIS IS GOING TO BE A BATTLE EVERYDAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!!!! It's discourging to think I have to do this the rest of my life so guess I think of it as one day at a time. My problem is that some day I just don't feel like doing the battle.   How do I maintain that excitement and the wonder of something new. Its kinda like marriage in that the honeymoon period is over now and I have to make this work for me. I just have to stick with it, no divorce for me from my band. The band is here to stay.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

I'm I just nuts

I really want this to work, but I seem not to work at it. I just want the weight to fall off and I not have to do anything. I know thats nuts, but thats the way I feel. I didn't have to do any work to get here, why do I have to work to get rid of it. Crazy isn't it to think like that, but this morning thats the way I feel. Why is there days where you do great and then day when I could care less what I eat.   I weight this am and I back up again. I weighted 270.2 ths morning. I seem to only lose when I'm doing liquids. Maybe I should stick with liquids for a while. I don't know what to do.   I have got to track my calories (I do much better and I know I do better when tracking my calories). I have to excersize (which I hate to do, I have never found anything that I really enjoy). People tell to swim, but (I have known serveral people who have drowned). I don't mind walking( I just don't like doing it by myself--dogs you know).   I wish I could inlist my DH to excersize with me, but he hate it just as much as I do. Maybe this is his way of defeating my weight loss. He never encourges me or tells me I'm doing good. I think this journey is on my own. I really want to lose this weight. So I have to stop putting road block up or trying to blame someone else. I have to do this on my own(now).   I really miss my comfort foods. I still eat pizza, but only the topping, no crust for me. I really miss have a great hamburger, no bread for me. Bread seems to be the only thing I can't eat anymore. Everything else is ok. Meat I have to eat slowly or it hurts like the devil. All the other stuff goes down way to easy. I have had my third fill I'm at 2cc in a 4cc band, but I really don't have a lot of restriction yet. I read where some people can only eat 1/2 cup of food at a time. I can still eat a lot more then that. Maybe I have already stretched my pouch out to much. I don't have a clue, why I do this stuff to myself.   Today is a new day I will try to get a better handle on it today. I will use fitday.com, I will try some kind of excersize. I will drink my water, I know I didn't get anywhere close to drinking 64 oz yesterday, I might have gotten in 24 oz. I don't drink like I should (maybe that is why my weight was up this am). I will start right now with a bottle of water, then will try to eat something for breakfast. This will be a good day.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Long Night

Took a nap yesterday, should have known better. I can't sleep tonight. Sometimes I feel as if I have the RLS that you see on TV. I just couldn't lay still tonight. So here I am sitting up eating all the wrong things. Good thing there is not much in the house. I thought about buying cookie when I was at the store on Friday, but I didn't knowing I would probably have a night just like this. I can't have cookies around. I love COOKIES. So I have eaten some cheese cubes and a twinkie. The twinkie was terrible, I didn't really enjoy it at all. I also have some cottage cheese salad. Guess it could be worse.     I'm still can't wrap my mind around the fact that some day I might actually be smaller. I'm not saying thin, because I don't believe that will every happen. I just want to feel better, not sluggish all the time. I would like to be a size 14 or size 12. I will never be a smaller size, cause there is going to be too much excess skin. Still it seems a dream that will never come true.   I didn't do much this weekend. It was really a very quite few days. Hope this is a good week. I need to log on to fitday and chart my food intake, I couldn't seem to get fitday to work the other day and so I just haven't been back. Something to do tomorrow. Sleep is getting near I hope. The morning will come soon enough.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

Eating

I heard a man on the View today talking about weight loss drugs. The interesting thing was he said was that overweight people tend not to eat breakfast or lunch, then eat to much in the evening. He could have been talking about me. I really don't like breakfast although I try to eat breakfast everyday. Some day I'm just not hungry in the morning and somedays its 10 or 11 before I'm hungry. I really need to start eating early, but I'm alway afraid that if I eat to early I will be hungry later and won't have anything left to eat for the day. I then overeat in the evening. I must change this behavior. I alway have food to eat and no one is going to take food away from me. So why do I have this thought in my head that I wouldn't have anything to eat. Even if I eat everything I should for the day I still have food in the house so this is not a reasonable thought. That is a crazy thought. Ok now that is know this I have to change want I do. I just have to figure out what or how I want to handle this. :help::help::help:
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

maybe some restriction now

I'm feeling like I have some restriction now. Still having problems with my b/p. It seems like it goes down after I eat. I know when its to low I have some little black spots showup in my vision and sometimes I feel weak and dizzy. Everytime I'm at the doctor its just fine, but of course I haven't just eaten. Now this morning its 80/44 and I haven't eaten. I think I need to get a new b/p machine, but if its not reading me correctly, then what is my DH b/p. His is alway normal right after mine is so low. So far I'm getting along ok, but I do think it has a lot to do with my energy level.   So far since my fill on monday I have lost few pound, I hope this is a pernament lost. I ate yesterday for the 1 st time since monday and I did notice the feeling of being fuller quicker. I hope this is a good sign, because I would like to have a sweet spot and not need another fill for a couple of months. I have to pay for my own fills now. Insurance was only good through the month of June.   I believe my clothes are starting to get to big, will be excited to get in to something smaller. I'm still wearing all my same things. I probably could get in to something smaller, but I just hate tight clothes. My clothes were so tight right before my surgery that I was trying to find bigger clothes on the internet. Thank God I didn't buy anything. I'm tired of all the old clothes that I'm wearing, but will stay with them for a little longer. Maybe by fall I will need clothes a couple of sizes smaller. I hope I will be in 22 or 20. I started out in size 26-28. I will keep my fingers crossed.   Watched the some of the grandkids yesterday and I just love to have them around, but the do wear me out really really quick.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Really disappointed in weight loss

Just got back from my 3rd fill. I'm now at 2cc in my 4cc band. I hope I get some restriction now. I only lost 4.2 lbs,:angry for a grand total of 28 lbs. :angryI really wanted to lose 10 lbs a month, but only 4.2 lbs. I have started to walk need to increase that, I have to watch my fat intake, nothing that has more than 30% fat in it. Eat my protien 1st and drink more water, more water and more water. I know I'm not eating nearly as much as I use to eat, when is the scales going to start dropping. I think I will try doing the weight watchers diet, I have always lost good on it and maybe that will help me get started. I know that I have to eat my protien 1st and then my veggies. I'm not much of a meat eater so I will try to add beans and some cheese, but I have to stay away from to much cheese. I have never been able to lose when eating cheese. I use reduced fat dressing and 2% cheese, skimmed milk. I need to eat fish, have never ever liked fish unless it was fish and chips. I have not still had a diet coke and i have only ate bread twice. I have had way to many sweets, reduced fat ice cream, a couple of cookies once and while. I have made my own smoothies. I use skimmed milk, frozen strawberries, a banana, and sweetner. I'm really trying, but just don't seem to lose. I'm really really down today, maybe tomorrow I will feel better about what I have lost. I know that I haven't gained and I'm moving more. I want to buy some new clothes in smaller size, but I havn't lost enough yet to do that. It's got to get better.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Not the easy to be thin

THIS IS THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVERYDONE IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!   Don't every let anyone think that this is the easy way to go. This is hard!! All the bad things go done so easy and all the good thing take time to chew and go down. This is a tool that need constant attention. You can't let you guard down for a minute. I know I'm not eating nearly what I did before the band, but those old habits just want to keep coming back.   I have trouble in the mornings, I'm just not hungry. So I have been trying to eat a protien bar and drink some water. Lunch is not much better, I really don't get hungry till around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. Then IT starts to sneek back up on you. The snack attack happens, 1st I just have some cheese to tide me over till its supper time, THEN the candy or cookie monster takes over trying to steel your brain. The candy, cookie and even ice cream call you name and gentle whispers in your ear EAT ME, EAT ME, EAT ME. Its like a horror movie that is in your brain. That gentle lover wants to take over your body and never let you out, YOU MUST BE STRONG. NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU SWEAT, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN TO THE OTHERSIDE, RESIST THE DARK SIDE. IT JUST WANTS TO MAKE A FOOL OF YOU EVERDAY OF YOUR LIFE. NOW IS THE TIME TO WIN THE BATTLE, THE BATTLE FOR YOU LIFE AND ITS JUST BEGAN.     STAY STRONG AND FIND OTHER THINGS TO DO!!!!!!
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

not feeling great today

It started last nite, this terrible burning in my stomach. I have been off my priolsec for a week. I went out this morning and got me some more. I hope that is the only reason my stomach is upset. I haven't ate much today 1 banana, a slice of pizza with chichen on it, and fruit smoothie. I need to get some protien in just not really feeling like eating. Oh well hope tomorrow is better. Three of my older grandkids wanted to come over and spend the afternoon with me. I really enjoyed having them, they are so much fun. I oldest granddaughter turn 14 yesterday, I just cant believe it. Where does the time go.   Speaking of time, why is it when you are dieting time slows to a snails pace. Looking back if I had just learned to eat the way I should have I wouldn't be doing this now. I hope you can teach a old dog a few new tricks.   Well off to find some protien, hope my stomach get settled down.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Sunday, 6-10-07

DH is gone till Wednesday nite, I'm alone with all my food thoughts, Oh my what will I do.:help: I'm going to go to the movies with a friend this afternoon. Tomorrow I will watch my grandson for awhile and take a walk I hope. Tuesday my sister wants me to come up and see a couple of our cousins. Then its Wed. and my DH will be home in the evening. I never get a chance to be bored or alone very often, always something going on.   I weight this morning and was done a couple of pounds hope it stay down. I seem to like to play around with a couple of pounds before they are really gone.   It was been raining again and talk that it will rain off and on all week long. Hope it nice in the mornings so Dana and I can walk. I really don't mind going if I have some one to go with me. We don't even walk together, she is much faster than me. Shes also twenty years younger than me.   I'm thinking some of clothes are beginning to be to big, but I hate tight clothes so will wait for a few more pounds to come off before I go down a size. They were way to tight before I started this journey, so I must be patient with myself.   It is going to be a great week. Hoping to get some more scrapebooking done.   Not feeling so hungry today, hope that stay with me for a long long time. Have to work on drinking more water or crystal light. Just have a problem getting fluids down. Never have figured out why I don't drink like other people do, but sometime I figure out that it has been serveral hours and I haven't drank a thing, I don't really feel thristy most of the time. I think its a problem and I need to get in tune with my thrist.   Almost time to go to the movies, that will be two movies and two play within one month.:clap2::clap2::clap2:
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

back from doctor

Went to see my regular doctor today. I last saw him about 2 weeks be for my banding. I had lost 26 lbs according to their scales. Guess that now to bad, but I wish it was just a little higher. I would like to lose 10lbs per month. I'm losing approx. 1-2 lbs a week. I know that is what they want you to lose, but I want it to come off just a little faster than that. I really haven't lost since I had my last fill 2 weeks ago. I seem to lose only when I'm on the liquid part of the diet. I will try watching my fats and carbs a little closer. I averaging 1500 cal per day and that is so much less then it was before my banding. I would think I would lose even faster than I am. Doctor was please with my weight lost, my iron was down and if its not back up when I go back in he wants to do another colonscopy a little early. I have to eat more iron for next couple of months. My hgbac1 was 6.5 same as in march, was hoping it would go down now that I have lost a little weight, maybe next time.   Delaney had a seizure while I was at the doctor. I have been home all week, but not here when she need me. I'm the closer to the school than her mother and I can give her her medicine. She seem ok for now.   So far today has been good. Its a little sticky out and my have storm later on today. Well must make some lunch. I'm hungry.:hungry::hungry::hungry:
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

Exercise today

Here it is 9:17 and I have already walked with my daughter. I walked about 3/4 of a mile today. My knees and hip hurt less today, so maybe I'm getting use to the walking. My goal for this month is to increase my daily excercise from nothing to something. I have walked 4 out of the last seven days. That is really great for me, now I just have to keep it up. Now that excercise is coming on board I have to get my calorie intact down. I have some restriction but not very much. I don't eat as much as I did, but I still taking in about 1500 calories a day.   I must stay postive and upbeat and see what I can do today.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

This adventure I'm on

This is an adventure that I'm on right now, take so much of my time and energy. I'm living breathing it every minute of every day. I'm trying so hard to do this and the weight is so slow coming off. I know it took year to put on, but I what it off NOW!!   I walked today with my daughter maybe a 1/2 mile and I hope it helps. I'm trying to do more each day. I have been using some band to work on my arm that swing in the air everyday.   One of my biggest problem, I believe, is that I can't even believe that I will be thin. I can't even believe that it will every happen. It has been a dream for a long time, will it every happen. If I can change that thought about never being thinner, then maybe I can win this battle. I feel like I'm doing battle everyday with myself. Why can't I eat like a normal person, why does food have such a hold over me. I know I do it because it makes me feel better for a few minutes, but that doesn't last all that long. I know I eat because I love to eat, I do it because I'm feeling low, or because I'm mad or happy. Why is every emotion that I have tied to food. I know sometimes I'm not even hunrgy, but I feel like I want to eat. I'm really getting in touch with my feeling now. I really want to do this right and feel better. THE WAR WILL BE WON, ITS THE SMALL BATTLES THAT IS TAKING ALL MY WILL POWER FOR NOW. I WILL WIN THE SMALL BATTLES SO THAT I CAN WIN THE WAR!!!!!:clap2::clap2::clap2::clap2:
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

thursday, 5-31-07

Well it been two weeks since my last fill and have very little restriction. I guess I should call the doctors office and see if I can get another fill and not wait another two weeks. I can get at least 2 cups at a sitting. I'm not eating as much as I was before my band, but not anywhere close to 4 oz's the doctor talked about. I'm going to challenge myself to excersise this month. I will start slow and add some time to it each week. Dana wants me to do the walking program at zona rosa that is to start tonight. I don't think I can walk as far as the want you to. If it wasn't for this journal I might as well be invisable to the world out there. I'm trying to keep track of my food intake on fitday.com. Do pretty good most of the time, but somedays I just don't feel like doing it. I also don't do very well on those days. I still can't see myself as every being a normal size. I have been this size for so long, I hope and pray that it will come. My love affair with food is going to kill me if I don't get it under control. My blood pressure is better, can't say that much for my blood sugars. I the blood sugars are coming down slowly. I would love to get off the medications. Today will be a good day.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

great day 6-2-07

It is a beautiful day. Not to hot and not to windy and not to cold, perfect day so far.   I was sitting here when my dh was eating chips out of the bag when it dawned on me that I will never do that again. I really do think most of the time about what I'm going to eat and how much I'm going to eat. NO MORE MINDLESS EATING FOR ME!!!!! Maybe I'm being to learn what I should have learned long long ago.   I have a long way to go on this journey, but I'm willing to do it forever. I started to say for now, but that is the old thinking. I will not defeat myself with eating when not everything if perfect.   I'm really happy with myself and my progress at least today I am.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

sunshine saturday, not

Its a little gloomy today, with rain shines off and on. I went to my stamp club today and had a good time. Dessert which I made was good, I ate a small orange brownie and left some with my daughter and sent some with the stamp lady. My husband has yet to try them. They were very good. I love stamp and scrapbooking and need to do more of it. It would keep my mind busy and my hands busy. For some reason I just don't do it. I have lots of pictures to work on and lots of material to use up. Maybe tomorrow I will get something done.   My weight is pretty stable right now and I'm hoping for a drop soon. With the smaller portions and fewer calories it just has to kick in soon. I'm feeling a little more restriction, but not enought yet. I thinking that I will give it another week then call and see when I can get another fill. I have only a month left on what the call gobal with my insurance and I think I need make good work of the insurance. A fill will cost 250 dollars and I just don't have that kind of cash every month laying around.   I still having trouble believing that this is going to work for me, as nothing has worked in the past. I must keep a postive attitude.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

lonely

I'm feeling very alone today. Why don't I make the correct choices. I know exactly what I should do, but then turn around and do the wrong thing. Is it just human nature or I'm I just try to defeat myself. I had my second fill the other day and I'm eating today, but I want to eat all the wrong thing today. I want to eat pizza, I know that some say that we don't just eat to be eating. I love food. I love pizza, it has nothing to do with feeling bad, or hating myself. I know sometimes it is because I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm happy or anyother emotional thing, but sometimes its just because I love that food. What I need to do is control what I eat. Eat only one piece of pizza not three or four. Since I have been banded I have eat pizza, mostly I eat the toppings and not the crust. I have not eaten bread and love bread when it hot and butter. I have not had a sandwich, I have not had a diet coke. I'm not sure why we are not to drink diet coke, but I haven't. Sure am getting tired of water. I don't like to drink a lot of anything and I know that's a problem. It also a problem when the till you not to drink one hour before and one hour after. Then add your eating time in and that is a big chunk out of your day, more than 6 hours that you can't drink, which only leaves about 9 hours or less to drink all that water. I need to excerise more, but my knee really does hurt. I have try to increase what I'm doing daily and need to add a short walk to my daily routine. Can't go to far or the knee hurts and the hip hurts. I hope that gets better as I lose weight. Time will tell if it helps or if I have to go to the doctor again to see about them. The last doctor told me that I need to lose weight. The knees are gone, but not bad enough to replace, can't imagine what the have to be like to have them fixed. I need to expend more calories then I take in. That is the formula for losing weight.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

5-22-07

I was watching tv this afternoon, when I realized that the first time anyone told me I was over weight was when I was in high school. My girl friend told me that I should lose a couple of pounds, up until then I had never given my weight a thought. Wish she had kept her mought shut. That was the start of my yoyo diet. I never really have had a good weight lost except when I did the (liquid diet) and that was almost 20 years ago now. I did get down to 170 maybe, can't really remember, I do remember loving to buy the small size jeans and clothes. I was buying size 12, I'll be lucky to wear 16 or 14 this time, with all the loose skin I know is coming. My arms are hanging now and my thighs have rolls of fat on them. I will never be able to have plastic surgery to fix them either. Guess I will alway have to wear long pants and longer sleeves to cover them up. I will excersise and hope that helps.
carol1951

carol1951

1
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