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another fill today

I went for another fill today. I had only lost 2.2 lbs this last month. They added another .5 cc so now I have 3.0 cc in my 4 cc band. I hope this works this time. I'm just a little discouraged, not down like I was last time. I knew that I hadn't lost very much by my own scales. I will have to try harder this time. The post fill diet really s####. I can't stand the clear liquid part of it, tomorrow I can have full liquids. I'm not sure why the have you do this. Oh well its only 2 days out of my life. I WANT RESTRICTION. I WANT TO LOSE MORE THAN 2 LBS A MONTH. At 2 lbs a month it will take me more than 5 years to lose this weight. I will be older than dirt by that time. I shouldn't whine, at least I didn't gain and anything is better than nothing.   I think I fight losing, I get tired of trying to do all the stuff they said we should do. I hate going to fitday and I now refuse to do that. I should only have to eat my small amount and be happy with that. I'm trying to excersise more, I hope it cools off soon. I want to get outside and walk. Won't belong and I will whine because of the cold weather. Oh well I must get on with my diet and my life. I WILL LOSE THIS WEIGHT.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

2-28-08

So far I'm doing better this week, but I feel I'm doing it all by myself. I still don't feel alot restriction from the band. I can still eat 2 cups at least at a meal. I have tried to stick to 1 cup at a meal but I get really hungry in about 1 to 2 hours. My stomach makes really horrible noises also. Today after my protien shake for breakfast I went shopping and didn't feel very good. Thought I would just past out before I got home. I was so hungry. I'm keeping track of what I eat this week on thedinnerplate.com, I'm trying to stay with in their calorie count to lose 2lbs a week. Will see if this works. I still think the doctor need to see if there is a leak in my band. After all I'm suppose to have 4.2 cc in my band. I would think it would have some effect on what I eat and how I feel when I eat. I really what this weight gone, so I guess for now I will have to do it on my own. If I'm going to do it on my own I wonder why I need this band. Oh well I have lost some and I have kept it off for a year, its just not as much as I wanted. I see other losing over 100 lbs in the same time and its really discourging to know that I have lost only around 30lbs. I want to feel better. My knees are killing me and I have so much trouble walking. I'm so stiff when I get up,you would think I was eighty. I did join the YMCA yesterday. I have to wait for them to call me as soon as the get the ok from my doctor to start working out. I hope that walking on a track will do me some good, as soon as I lose some more I will start to add to my excerise routine. Oh well time to go to bed. My stomach kinda upset tonight, it does that sometimes when I take my night meds.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

7-31-07

I just don't understand why I feel I must eat, when I know there is junk in the house. I have the most uncontrolable feeling that I must eat it till its gone. I have been fighting it all day. I know that I don't need that junk, but I can't seem to help myself. I really thought that the desire to eat would go away, but it hasn't. I could just be bored, but don't think so. I could just be lazy, but not all the time. What is with the desire to eat and eat and eat. I know I must be trying to fill up a hole that is empty in my life, but what is that hole. That hole is big enough to suck in the whole ocean if I got close enough. Why is it when I can't sleep I think that eating something is going to put me sleep. Is that left over from being a child when you parents would feed you and put to bed. I really have to get serious about this I need figure all this out. I need to lose more weight so I feel better. I know that I'm already feeling better, but I want to feel great. I'm going to go to Texas in October and I would love to be at least 20lb smaller. It would make the air plane ride so much better. I guess that is my goal for now is to lose 20 lbs by October 17. That a good 10 weeks and thats only 2 lbs a week, thats not that much to ask for is it. I must excercise more, I did the peddle thing last nite for 10 minutes, I will try to work up to at least 30 minutes per day in the next two weeks. I need some good arm excersise also, maybe my bat wings will go away some. I just hate the big bump at the top of my elbows that seem to just hang out there. I will have to work hard to have them disappear.   Oh well today has been pretty good. I just have to write more here to keep my mood upbeat. I have to remember my goals for the next couple of months.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

not feeling great today

It started last nite, this terrible burning in my stomach. I have been off my priolsec for a week. I went out this morning and got me some more. I hope that is the only reason my stomach is upset. I haven't ate much today 1 banana, a slice of pizza with chichen on it, and fruit smoothie. I need to get some protien in just not really feeling like eating. Oh well hope tomorrow is better. Three of my older grandkids wanted to come over and spend the afternoon with me. I really enjoyed having them, they are so much fun. I oldest granddaughter turn 14 yesterday, I just cant believe it. Where does the time go.   Speaking of time, why is it when you are dieting time slows to a snails pace. Looking back if I had just learned to eat the way I should have I wouldn't be doing this now. I hope you can teach a old dog a few new tricks.   Well off to find some protien, hope my stomach get settled down.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

hungry, hungry, hungry

I'm really hungry now, could eat a horse sometimes. I need to start really counting my protien, will try increase the amount of protien that I eat. I had my shake this morning and that gives me 63 grams of protien, that does help alot, with the hunger. I have to start doing more excerise, I know this is a must. Just wish I had someone to go with to walk.Not sure just how far I can walk a one time. My knee is really sore right now. It is keeping me awake at night again. Slept really bad last night. I really am doing good between meals, my problem is evening and at night when I can't sleep. I really could use some cookies right now, I know the would make me feel better for a very few seconds, then I would be mad at myself. good thing I don't have any in the house. Oh well thing will pick up next week or by the end of this week.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

3-11-08 Another fill

Just back from the doctor. I did another barium swallow, everything fine. I really think the nurse thought I have stretch my pouch, but I hadn't. She then pull all the fluid from my band, low and behold I had just 2.2 cc of fluid. Not much for going and getting a fill every 4 weeks for the the last year. Up till today they put 4.3 cc in the band. That explains why I don't have much restriction. She put the fluid back and gave me another 1 cc. She want to see what I have in there next month, maybe a leak. I hope I don't have a leak, but it would make me fill better. I have been beating myself up for the last seven months or so. I thought I was just not working the band. Sometimes I though I was just crazy, I hope that this works this time. I really want to lose weight.   Last week on Thursday as I was walking into the beauty shop my hip pop or did something funky and now it really hurts to walk. I know the doctors, ortho will not do anything till I lose weight. I joined the Y last week also, so now I just can't walk that good. I'm still thinking of going to the pool, its a warm water pool, but I'm so self conscious about being in a bathing suit. I was hoping the warm water would help with the discomfort.   I hope I do better now. I really want to lose weight. We are to go to Hawaii this fall for our anniversary and I want so much to feel better. I really thought that I would be alot lighter by now. It's been a year on the 3/20/2008 and I've only lost around 30 lbs and I lost that in the first 3 months. I have gain some back but I'm still around 30 lbs. I worry that I made a wrong choice in getting the band, but if its got a leak then maybe I can go forward from here and make a go of it.   Life is not alway fair.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

back from 2nd fill

Just back from my second fill. I'm really really disappointed that I have only lost 23 lbs. since March 12.:scared: I thought it would come off a lot faster than this. I know that I haven't put a lot of work into this so far, but I have really cut down on what I eat. That alone should have drop a couple of hundred pounds. Clear liquids today, then full liquids, then mushies, I don't know if I can do clear liquids all day or not. I'm so hungry right now, guess I will eat jello. I had a good weekend, need to excersize today and I'm not sure what I will do. I have a new dvd for walking and I should get it out and try it. I wish that I could wear a smaller size, but not yet things are getting looser,but not yet to big. My size 2x are still to tight.   I can't even image what it will like to wear a size 14 or 12. That doesn't even seem possible, maybe that one of my problems. I know that I have lost 23 lbs in two months and maybe I will be down 100lbs in 10 months, but that doesn't even seem possible. I have been so fat for so long that I can't see myself any other way. Also I usually give up by this time. I have lost faster on other diets and have not had lasting results, so maybe this is way to go. Slow but sure. I know I will do this this time.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

Will I do this

I'm really questioning what the h*** I'm doing. Idon't know what I want. I know I want to lose weight, but I don't seem to want to do the work. I don't want to be hungry and sometimes I am and somethings I'm not. Sometimes its head hunger and sometimes I really am hungry. I just want to be normal and lose weight like all the other people. I really thought that I would not have hunger and that I would only be able to eat a small amount. Well neither has happen. I can still eat a horse, although I do have to chew,chew an eat slow slow. I really believed that I would only be able to eat 1/2 cup, not the 2 cups I eat most of the time. I thought I would not be hungry, I knew that I would have fight the head hunger, but its really hard to fight head hunger when you don't feel full. Sometimes I'm really down and other times I glad I have the band. I know I would have gained durning the last seven months instead of losing. I'm glad that I have lost 35 lbs, but I'm still in all my big clothes and I'm tired of all big clothes. I want to wear cute clothes that are smaller and in style. I feel like a loser most of the time. I read how everyone is doing so great and here I am with only a 35 lb lost. How am I going to do this so that I win and I don't lose my self respect. I know that I can do this. I guess I need some great ideas. I can still do this, I know I have to do this one day at a time, but the days are so long when you struggle all day. I should not be in pitty pot all time eihter. How do I get off that pot? How do I stop worring all the time about food. I just feel like that all I do is think of food and I really though I would get over that when I wasn't hungry all the time. I need some major help.
carol1951

carol1951

3
 

11-28-07

Well I have finally got over the need to weight everyday. I guess I realize that I'm not going to lose very fast and weighting everyday just depressed me. I going next week to the doctor so will see how I'm doing then. I don't know if I want another fill or not. I do have trouble eating chicken, beef, and pork, it seem to want to set and spin in my stomach. I don't know if I'm not chewing well enough or if I'm eating to big a bites. I still don't do well in the am, I usually don't eat anything till lunch. I do protien shakes in the morning. Evening is still my biggest problem time of the day. I could eat a bear most of the time. My portions size is still way to big. Thats the one thing that makes me think I need another fill. I will have to talk with them next week and see what they think. Oh well need to get some things done today, Christmas is going to sneak up on me if I don't get busy.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

Not a good week

This week has really sucked. I have really really been bad, I have over ate at most meals. Sunday was the worst day for eating I have had since I started this journey. I just grazed all day, on anything that would stand still. Yesterday was really not bad, but I was sitting and sewing all day. I lost a screw out of my pedometer and I can't track my walking right now, it was what held the clip on. I still know that I didn't walk enought yesterday. I did get all my quilt blocks done and now I need to put them together. I will have to find time to go back to my sisters to do that.   I need to start tracking my food intake again and my fix my pedometer. I really miss the pedometer it was like a game to see if I would walk more then the day before. Some days I walk a lot and some day I don't walk very much at all. I have gained this week,so I have to get my head back in the game. I not ready to stop losing yet. I do feel a lot better and I have only lost 36 lbs, so I need to get with the program and lose lose lose.   I know I can do this. I know that I will feel every better. I know that I will look a lot better. I know I will like the way I look a better. I know I will feel more normal. I know I will like myself better if I'm sucessful. I know that I can do this all by myself. I know that I'm alone in this journey, no one can do it for me. This is the path I have choosen for myself. This is the right path for me. I know that I will have bad days and I know I will have good days. I know I will question everything and anything that I do everyday. I know that it will take time to suceed in this journey. I know there will be day that I get discourged and I must just ride the wave that day. I know that I weight myself way to much. I know that I put way to much weight on what the scale says. I know I will do this.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

funky mood

I really in a funky mood today, was yesterday too. I've decide to not have any junk food for a whole month and see if that really helps. I have such a sweet tooth. I don't mind the chips and stuff, but I don't let anything sweet set in my house for more than a couple of minutes. I need to wien myself from all sweets. I don't care for ice cream either it more of the cookies, cakes and some candy. Chocolate candy is a big weakness. I will be keep my sugar free candies, they are the cinnimon disks.   I have to stay strong. I have not lost any weight for the last month. I really thought maybe I had the way I have been running to the bathroom to void all the time the last couple of days. Maybe it will take the scales a couple of days to catch up. I have been wearing my pedometer the last few day to see how little I walk. I want to a weeks worth of stats and then do a average and see if I can increase my steps by one hundred step per day for the next week. I want to get alot more active. I really disappointed in my DH cause he told me when I start this journey that he would walk with me. It hasn't happen yet. Maybe when it gets cooler he will decide to walk with me.   I'm trying real hard to have a really good week this week. I'm keeping track of my food intake and will excerise every day this week. My excerise is peddling on my peddle machine for at least 10 minutes a day. I know that doesn't sound like much, but with my bad knees and my inactivity it is a big thing for me.   WILL DO GOOD THIS WEEK. NO JUNK FOOD AND WILL EXCERISE EVERYDAY.   THURSDAY 4289 FRIDAY 2345 SATURADAY 2149 SUNDAY 2952
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Cant sleep tonight

I don't know why I can't sleep tonight, so naturally I got up and ate some cereal and just had to have something else, so found some cookies. I knew I shouldn't have got them. I did it anyway. I'm really try to mess with my own head. It seems I always trying to put up road blocks. I wasn't mad or sad, it wasn't really emtional thing, I just wanted something to eat. Sometime when I can't sleep and I get something to eat I will fall to sleep faster. I should really be sleeping, as I got up at 4:45 this morning or should I say yesterday morning. Took Tracy and Caleb to the airport. Shes taking Caleb to Disney World for a few days. He was so excited about the airplane ride. Oh for the wonder of youth again, not the jade thoughts of the old.   I have had a really good day otherwise. Guess I won't beat myself up over this. As Scarlet would say Theres always tomorrow.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Just another day

I so sad today. I have to ask my daughter for the car she is driving. She got it three years ago and said she would pay for it. She hasn't made a payment yet. I just can't pay for it anymore. I don't know why she doesn't at least give me some money. I could work with that. I told her to at least give me some money weekly. I know she has 4 kids and husband that can't or won't work. I know without the car she can't get to work. I told her that the house payment and the car payment are the 1st thing you pay each month. Without the car she can't get to work. I didn't want the grandkids riding around in a piece of junk. We signed for this car when she was getting a divorce, and she is remarried to a bum. I can't believe she puts up with all his excuses about find a job. She can't even buy a car because he has ruined her credit. I just don't know what to do. I love her, but I can't keep bailing her out of messes. She is 31 years old. She has just taken on her husbands child whos mother decided that she didn't want the child anymore. She has 5 kids in that small house, which I help her buy. I just don't know what to do. If her father my DH finds out that I'm still helping her He will be so mad at me. I'm such a mess. No wonder I can't seem to diet very good. So much stress. So much anger. So much hunger.
carol1951

carol1951

3
 

new week, new day

I think I have given up on trying to keep track of everything I eat on fitday.com. I find it hard to track some of the stuff I still eat. Like casseroles, mixed salad ( not lettuce stuff). I have troulbe finding some things also. I think sometimes I get to focused on what I'm eating and trying track it on fitday. I have had a pretty good weekend. I go for another fill tomorrow and hope the scale drops some. I would love to lose 1lb a week, but I don't think I've done that. I know that my clothes are getting bigger, but not to big yet. I really thought I would hit a size smaller, but not really there yet ( very close).   Its really hot here and I have not started walking outside yet, but I still useing my little pedals and I have up it to 20 minutes at a time. I hope to make to 30 minutes by the end of this week. I want to walk as soon as it get cooler and maybe I can walk for 30 minutes. I know that the pedals are easier than walking, but it still movement. I averaged 2884 steps per day last week and I want to increase that to 3000 per day on average this week. I really think moving will up my weight lost. I need to get over the fear of a gym, but not yet. I still feel like I'm to big to go to a gym. Besides being retired I can't really afford on right now, maybe in a year. I hope I can get my DH to go with me at that time. I can do some tapes and things like that at home. Maybe I will try one of channels on tv that has excerise on it.   I'm feeling very hopeful this will be a good week. I get to go scrapbooking this next weekend. I know that will be a challenge, has I will not be home. I'm trying to plan ahead. My sister and niece are coming on thursday and will return to their homes on friday. We are planning on eating out at least twice. Shouldn't be to hard to eat at the places we are talking about going to.   I CAN DO THIS. I WILL BE THINNER IN THE DAYS AND MONTHS AND YEARS TO COME. I WILL BE HEALTHIER AND HAPPY.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

not sleeping tonite

Just went to bed at 10:30, but by 12:00 was up again. I'm having some pain in my right thigh and leg when I lay down(don't know what thats all about). Just took some advil PM. just hoping it make me sleepy. This is the 12th day post-op. Not having any pain, not really too hungry yet, haven't even miss my diet coke that I have been hooked on for years. Hope this doesn't past. I have been surprised that my husband has been so supportive of me so far, but fear he will get tire of me not cooking any more. Food has been one the most important things for us.   I went to my check up this week and all was fine I had lost 14.7 lbs since my pre-op vist. My pre-op weight was 301!!!!! Thats my highest ever weight. Want to get down to 140-150 lbs. I can't even imagine what that would be like. I don't remember being that small since high school, many, many moons ago.   I just want to be able to excerise, climb stairs, walk, play with my grandkids without getting sob. I want to buy clothes in regalur department. I'm excited about this new journey that I have began. I know its a long road but I'm trying to be postive.
carol1951

carol1951

3
 

still the same

Guess the old saying "you can't teach an old dog a new trick" is true. I'm still the same weight I was a week ago. I guess I will never learn how to eat, or how to make the right choices. I feel like a complete failure. I just don't seem to be able to do this. I guess I will have to be happy with what I have lost and be happy never gaining it back. I really wanted to lose a little more so that I could get into a smaller size before we go on vacation in January. I just don't see that happening right now. I don't know rather I should get another fill or just wait awhile. I'm really tired of thinking about it. I just want to lose weight. Maybe if I quite worrying about it the weight will come off. I know it won't, but I get so discouraged when I see people posting about only eating 1000 calorires or less a day and still not losing weight. I just don't feel that is a healthy diet. I guess maybe I will find out how much it cost to joing the Y. Maybe I could go there this winter and walk on the track. I need to do something for excersise. My sister is so thin and I'm so jealous. I want to be a size 12 or even 14. My sister is down to a size 6, I don't think I would ever look good at that size. I just don't see myself as thin. I don't believe it will every happen. Proof is that I can't seem to lose even 50 lbs with the band. I hope this wasn't a mistake. It cost a lot of money and I just don't seem to lose. I really feel like a loser.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

lonely

I'm feeling very alone today. Why don't I make the correct choices. I know exactly what I should do, but then turn around and do the wrong thing. Is it just human nature or I'm I just try to defeat myself. I had my second fill the other day and I'm eating today, but I want to eat all the wrong thing today. I want to eat pizza, I know that some say that we don't just eat to be eating. I love food. I love pizza, it has nothing to do with feeling bad, or hating myself. I know sometimes it is because I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm happy or anyother emotional thing, but sometimes its just because I love that food. What I need to do is control what I eat. Eat only one piece of pizza not three or four. Since I have been banded I have eat pizza, mostly I eat the toppings and not the crust. I have not eaten bread and love bread when it hot and butter. I have not had a sandwich, I have not had a diet coke. I'm not sure why we are not to drink diet coke, but I haven't. Sure am getting tired of water. I don't like to drink a lot of anything and I know that's a problem. It also a problem when the till you not to drink one hour before and one hour after. Then add your eating time in and that is a big chunk out of your day, more than 6 hours that you can't drink, which only leaves about 9 hours or less to drink all that water. I need to excerise more, but my knee really does hurt. I have try to increase what I'm doing daily and need to add a short walk to my daily routine. Can't go to far or the knee hurts and the hip hurts. I hope that gets better as I lose weight. Time will tell if it helps or if I have to go to the doctor again to see about them. The last doctor told me that I need to lose weight. The knees are gone, but not bad enough to replace, can't imagine what the have to be like to have them fixed. I need to expend more calories then I take in. That is the formula for losing weight.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

sunshine saturday, not

Its a little gloomy today, with rain shines off and on. I went to my stamp club today and had a good time. Dessert which I made was good, I ate a small orange brownie and left some with my daughter and sent some with the stamp lady. My husband has yet to try them. They were very good. I love stamp and scrapbooking and need to do more of it. It would keep my mind busy and my hands busy. For some reason I just don't do it. I have lots of pictures to work on and lots of material to use up. Maybe tomorrow I will get something done.   My weight is pretty stable right now and I'm hoping for a drop soon. With the smaller portions and fewer calories it just has to kick in soon. I'm feeling a little more restriction, but not enought yet. I thinking that I will give it another week then call and see when I can get another fill. I have only a month left on what the call gobal with my insurance and I think I need make good work of the insurance. A fill will cost 250 dollars and I just don't have that kind of cash every month laying around.   I still having trouble believing that this is going to work for me, as nothing has worked in the past. I must keep a postive attitude.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

12-3-07

I'm thinking that I'm not doing so bad. I haven't lost anything in serveral months and that is really a dispointment. On the other hand I haven't gained either which is a major step for me at this time of the year. I go tomorrow to the doctor so will see what they have to say about my weight. I know I'm not working the band the way I should, but I do watch every bite that goes into my mouth good or bad. I'm trying to not buy anything that is sweet or to high in fat content. I feel a little stronger when fighting against my food addiction. I know I can win this battle some day its just going to take time. I have to just wait it out. Right now my stomach is growling it time to eat breakfast, but still have trouble in the morning with food going down. I'm learning to eat slower. Eating to fast is a big problem for me. All the years I ate so fast that I didn't even taste food. I guess I just wanted to fill up the hole in me and eating fast worked some of the time. I now still eat the bad stuff but I can't eat the any where as much as I did before the band. I also have to work on taking smaller bites, sometimes I forget and then the worst thing happens PB. So this is a learning process and I guess it just takes me a little longer to learn. I fight change in anything I do, so I will do it. It will just take time for me to make the changes. So I'm not unhappy as I was because I realize now that this is a learning process. So I go next week to my primary care doctor and will see how my labs are doing. I'm not thinking my HGBAC1 will be any better than it was the last time I went. I haven't been excersising as much as I should and we did just go through Halloween and Thanksgiving. If its under 6.5 I will be happy. It was 5.8 last time, but my med was cut in half. So if its under 6.5 I will be happy. Well we will see what the say tomorrow at the doctor. I know I can do this it will just take time.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

busy weekend

Had a really busy week last week and I now am recovering. I didn't lose anything this past week, of course not suprised. I ate out most of the time. Didn't do to bad. I had a great time at the scrapbooking weekend. My girlfriend and I got a lot done, I don't believe I will ever get all my pictures done. I got home Sunday afternoon. I was so tired, I still recovering. Its so hot outside, I hope it cools off soon. I really want to start walking outside, but its just to hot right now for that.   Maybe I will lose something this week. I'm starting to day with a protien shake. My husband is gone tonight for supper so will have chilli. I think I will make that it goes down good and I will have left overs for the rest of the week.   I have to be serious this week about my food intake since I had such a good week last week eating out so much. I still can't have cookies around. I got some to take to the retreat last weekend and of course I ate them. I know better, but did it anyway. No wonder I didn't lose anything last week, but didn't gain any either.   Will have a positive week this week. I have figured out that I have more time to fill now that I don't think of food all the time, and I'm not either cooking or shopping for food. That really took up a lot of time. I now have figure out what to do to keep myself busy so I don't want to eat. I find I can now go a couple of hours at time without thinking of food. That is experience that I haven't had in a very long time. I think I will try to make a quilt this winter and get more of my scrapbooking done.   I must get busy. This will be a good week.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

same weight

I weighted this morning, the first time in a week and I still weight the same. I haven't lost a thing in six weeks. I have no one to blame but myself. I just can't get with the program. I still am not eating as much as I use to, but I'm not always making the best choices. I still try to peddle just not on the regular bases that I need too. I wish I didn't have a fear of dogs, I would love to get out and walk. I know I could go to the mall, but the mall is not really close. Maybe it just and excuse not to excerise. I have never been very fond of excerise. I have thought about join the Y, but I need to find out how expense that is. I really don't have a lot of extra money right now. I thought about getting a part time job, but my knees still hurt most of time. I don't know if I could stand on my knee for hours. I mustn't complain. I'm so much better off then a lot of people. I will stay the course and be glad that I haven't gained.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

when will I give up

When will I give up these three pounds that I keep playing with. I go and I go down, why won't it just go away. I haven't lost a lb in the last month. I have increased my activity and I doing better most day with my eating. I still don't have the restriction that I want, but go next Tuesday for another fill. I hope this is the one, it will be my 5th fill. I still not low enough on the carbs. I do fine getting in the protien, but carbs are still a problem with me.   This addiction as I call it is hard to bust. Maybe I will never get rid of it. I just need to learn how to live with it. I really didn't think the other night that I was eating because of emotions, but as I was going to bed I realized that I was upset with my DH. I have to face it that most of the time I deal with all emotions with food. I love food, I can't remember I time that I didn't love food. I like to look at it. I like cook it. I like eat it. I love to talk about food. My life as been about food and after 56 years of food I don't know anything else. I hide behind food. I cover up feelings with food. I make it my relaxation. I live most minutes of my life thinking of food. It has gotten better since I got the band. I really don't think of food as often, but it still only takes a commerical on tv to set me off. I saw a commerical for kfc the other night and I swear my mouth started watering and I don't even like kfc. My love affair with food is coming to an end, but it is so hard.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

6-11-2010

I haven't written anything in almost a year. I have just given up until a month ago. My knees are so bad that I can't hardly stand it. The doctors tell me that knee replaces probably won't get rid of the pain. They said its my weight. Not sure I believe that completely, but I have to do something. I have had a great 2 weeks, but and you all know there is always a but. I had family in 2 different days this week. Now I have all this left over food. I really want to eat it. I also know I can't eat it and it is such a struggle. I promissed myself that I would not weigh as much next year on my 60th birthday. So I have to not eat this food, but it is calling my name. I hate the struggle. I'm 59 years old and you would think that by now I would have this thing under control. Feel like a failure. Hope I make it through the night.
carol1951

carol1951

0
 

12-11-07

Its been a week since my last fill and I think I have some restriction. I really can't eat as much as a week ago, but still not down to 1/2 cup. I really have to slow down and much smaller bites. I went last night with my sister to eat at Outback and I ate all my salad and most of the 7 oz. steak and some of the sweet potatoe. I seem to be much tighter in the AM than in the PM. I don't know if I need to get more fill or not. I will stay like this for a few week then see what happens.   I finely got the tree done and most of the boxes back downstairs. I was about to lose my mind with all the mess. I guess I need to get my small amount of shopping done. I really want to do baking next week for family and freinds. I want to get the cookie trays out to people by the end of next week. I still think its a little early to start any baking. I don't want that temptation around that long.   I hope I see some weight loss soon. I really would like to lose some before our vacation to Florida in January. We don't leave till the end of the month so maybe I can get some more off. Its so discourging see other losing with such a small fill. I can't believe how different we all are with fills. Why am I at 3.9 and other are happy with 1.5 or less. Oh well, I must not dwell on that I know it will work in its own time. I know I will do this. I will make better choices and will do this. I will be much health in the months to come from the effort I put out now. I will do this. I will do this. Nothing is going to keep me from doing this. I have to stay strong when all hell is breaking lose around me. I will not let other temp me. I will make the better choice. I will try to keep negative thought from over coming my better choices.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

New Year New Me I think?

Well its been awhile since I've been here on the site. I did a lot of cooking for the holiday and it tells. I have gained about 7 lbs and now I'm on the way down again. I have lost 2 of the 7 lbs. I now have to commit to a new life style and excersise program. I have thought a lot about what I really want and it is to lose at least 50 lbs this year. That's a pound a week. Thats not a lot but over few years that will add up to a lot. I have to have a mental change as well a physical change. I know that I have been way to inactive to lose very much so my commit to excersise has to start with me changing my mind set. I did do a little yesterday. I do wear a pedometer. Yesterday I took only 1995 steps. My new commit is to take at least 2000 steps a day for the next week. I know thats not a lot for an active person, but I'm not active at all. So maybe next week I will commit to additional steps and so on till I get up to 10,000 steps a day by years end or before. This is my promise to myself. I will be more postive this year also and not so down all the time. Now I have to have a mental change as far as food goes. I have to stop doing what is easy. I really do that a lot. I will grab something because I wait to long to eat and then I will go for anything that's not nailed down. I have to do more planning and I need to start with what I will do on a weekly bases. I will do this starting right now. I know that I can't eat a bowl of cereal and be full. I need to fix a bowl of oatmeal and then have a protien shake to sip on for a couple of hours and I will be happier. I have to make changes that I really never wanted to make, but I know that I can do it. I know that is the first of the new year and I will not forget this promises to myself. I don't go back to the doctor again till the 16th. I will try of lose all that I have gained over the holiday. Then we have to talk about if this band has a leak. I do really good for a few days after getting a fill then I'm back to being able to eat anything I want and in almost any amount. Last time I was there the did a swallowing eval and I had not stretch out my pouch. May need to have them take all the water out and see how much is there. I will do this.
carol1951

carol1951

1
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