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Lazy?

I have decide that I'm just lazy. Its really really hard work to lose weight and I guess I just don't want to do that kind of work. I can't eat chicken and have not for two years that goes for bread also. I have toyed with joining weight watchers again, but because I can't eat most meat I'm not sure what I would eat. I think that is part of my problem. I don't know what to eat, since most meat just doesn't want to go down.   I need to make an appointment with the doctor and see how things look. I know I havn't lost a thing in a year and I know that is part of the reason I havn't been back to the doctor.   Anyway I have decide that I'm just lazy in all things. I think I need a brain makeover so that I would start to think in a more postive way. Maybe I'm just depressed. Oh well tomorrow is a new day and things will look up, I hope.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

sunshine saturday, not

Its a little gloomy today, with rain shines off and on. I went to my stamp club today and had a good time. Dessert which I made was good, I ate a small orange brownie and left some with my daughter and sent some with the stamp lady. My husband has yet to try them. They were very good. I love stamp and scrapbooking and need to do more of it. It would keep my mind busy and my hands busy. For some reason I just don't do it. I have lots of pictures to work on and lots of material to use up. Maybe tomorrow I will get something done.   My weight is pretty stable right now and I'm hoping for a drop soon. With the smaller portions and fewer calories it just has to kick in soon. I'm feeling a little more restriction, but not enought yet. I thinking that I will give it another week then call and see when I can get another fill. I have only a month left on what the call gobal with my insurance and I think I need make good work of the insurance. A fill will cost 250 dollars and I just don't have that kind of cash every month laying around.   I still having trouble believing that this is going to work for me, as nothing has worked in the past. I must keep a postive attitude.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

5-23-08

Just back from the doctors and I gained, gained, and gained. I was up 4 lbs. The nurse is so nice, she thinks I have an obsession with food. Do you think. I don't have the feeling of fullness that others have, which she said was bad for me. I can still eat 2 cups with no problem which is way to much. I have some restriction because I can't eat chicken, tuna salad and bread. But I don't have the restrictions some have where they feel as if the just can't eat one more bite or the will just up chuck everything. Why can't I have that feeling? I do get the hiccups when I'm to full so that is good. They said I need to excesise at least 30 minutes per day. They said maybe I should go back to clear liquids for a week. I don't know if I can do clear liquids but I may do just liquids for a couple of weeks. I know that will be hard on my husband, but he will just have to eat out or fix his own meals. I'm not going to cook anything for two weeks and see if I can jump start this weight loss again. I will try walking for half hour everyday. I'm still trying to get my nerve up to wear a bathing suit and start water aerobics.   I have known for sometime that I was obsessed with food and they gave me the name of a person to go to for behavior modification. I think I really need this. I just love food, but there are times when I feel as if I have no control over eating. I have a very strong desire to eat anything that I can fine. It's so strong that I feel as if I can't stop, even when I know I shouldn't be doing it. They asked if I felt hunger and yes I do. Sometimes I have actual hunger pain and stomach growling. If I get to hungering I eat to fast which upset the band. I do thing I eat a lot of the wrong foods. I think I probably eat the wrong things that go down way to easy. I know that I'm getting to much fat and to many carbs. I really do try, but as usual I'm just doing everything wrong.   I really feel like a failure. I could just cry, but I know that will not solve my problems. I have to get control of this. I really want to lose a few pounds before we go to Hawaii this fall. I have get control. I just have to, because I can't continue to be so depressed over all this. I know that being depressed doesn't help at all, it is sucking me dry. I have no energy and I feel worthless. I need to get this going now.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Yet another fill

Well yesterday they added another .3cc to my band, now at a total of 4.2 in my 4.0 band. I don't know if this time will do the trick or not. I did liquids yesterday and was find, and today I have ate oatmeal for breakfast and rice pudding for lunch. I feel full, but not I still don't feel a lot of restriction. They are going to do another barium swallow next month see if everything is ok. I still wonder if I have a leak somewhere. Because I feel some restriction right after I get a fill then in a couple of week nothing. They want me to only eat 1 cup at a time and see what happens. I really can eat more, but they think that I could be backing up in my esphogus. The last barium swallow showed no stretching and I did that one in December. I know my luck is I problem have a leak. I don't have very good luck at anything.   Oh well I will see how it goes in the next few days. I really think I might go back to weight watchers for awhile and see if I can lose a few lbs that way. I really have to get this weight off my aching joints. So I have to do more in choosing the right foods. I still fight myself. I still have that big hole that I can't fill.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

I think I have it

I believe I have finely have restriction. Its not bad, just can't eat to fast or to big a bite. I have to chew really good anything solid, like chicken, roast beef, or some veggies. I really excited and hopeful this will do the trick and I will start losing faster. I really want to lose this weight and I really don't want to take 5 years to do it. If it does take 5 years that will be ok, just as long as I don't every go back to where I was. I have lost 36 lbs and that only a fraction of what I need to lose, but at least I didn't gain.   I just spent the last two day quilting with my sister and I didn't get my excersise, but I didn't gain. I didn't get enough water either. My sisters ice tasted funny to me and I just couldn't get anything that tasted good. I really didn't over eat. I now feel full most of the time. I still have to stop myself from just grazing, which is what I alway did before.   My brother had his knee replaced on Monday and is going home today. He's really doing good, I'm very proud of him and the way that he doing. Its hard to keep a old farmer down.   Everything going fine for now.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Major melt down on Friday

I really am sad about my dd Susie. I cried and yelled Friday at no one. She really feels that I should pay for her car that she said she should pay for. Its been three years and she still can't make a payment. She know that I don't believe that her husband can't find a job. She has been working two and sometimes three jobs to make ends meet. Why would she do that? I just don't understand. She has taken on all her husbands problems and child plus her own 4 kids. Why does she think I should use all my retirement money. I know I will never see it back. We got the car in my DH name so that she could have something to drive that safe for the kids. Then she got pg and her husband, then boyfriend left her with no job and pg. Then as soon as she had her another job after the baby was born, he was back again. Never mind he was living with another woman while she as having a baby. She thinks I'm not giving him a chance. I don't trust him. I gave her money for the down payment or closing cost on her house. I then had to pay off the landlord from her rental, because he decide to hold her to the lease, which he didn't tell her about till after she had moveout. Oh well I'm just really hurt by all this. I don't know how to handle it either. I guess I will have to find a job. It won't be in the nursing field either. I just can't go back to nursing and My knees are so bad I don't know how long I can stand to stand. Guess I will just have to figure it out.   I didn't do to bad with the eating Friday just a couple of no bake peanut butter cookies and a piece of cake. If this had been before the band I probably would have eaten my weight in food. I really do try to listen to my band. I need to find a name for my band.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

8-12-08

I'm so disappointed in my weight. I know I'm not doing what I should be doing, but I can't seem to help myself. What in the world is wrong with me. I'm not happy,I'm sad all the time. I just can't seem to get it together. I thought I was doing better, I had lost four pounds, but their back. I just want to give up. I guess I wasn't really ready to do this. Its been 17 months and I have only lost around 30 lbs. That is so sad and disappointing. Guess I will always be a FATTY. NO ONE in the history of the band as done worst than I have. God Help Me.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

11-13-07

Still not doing so good, but I'm hanging in there. I make no excuses for my behavior. I know I'm doing this to myself, so I ask for no sympathy, but I do ask for understanding. I know this is not an easy path and if anyone thinks it its then they need a reality check. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm an emotional eater, which is make everything harder. Lots of thing play into my overeating, things that I must workout for myself. Some are childhood, marriage, and children issues. I'm trying to do better and some day are good and other are a bitch. I would like better restriction, but then I think maybe my restriction is good if I would work the program like I should. I still have problems with chicken and bread. I really miss bread, I didn't think I would because I was never a great big bread eater, but I would love to be able to eat a sandwich for lunch with some soup. I need to eat more salads. I have trouble first thing in the morning so I usually have a protien shake. I have found that if I eat cereal that cereal doesn't hold me nearly as well as the protien shake does. I have to keep busy or I do want to eat just because. The head hunger thing is really hard to control at times, but I try to keep busy that really helps. I know other people are doing so good and some day that will be me too. I will hang in and it will come just slower than most.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

great day 6-2-07

It is a beautiful day. Not to hot and not to windy and not to cold, perfect day so far.   I was sitting here when my dh was eating chips out of the bag when it dawned on me that I will never do that again. I really do think most of the time about what I'm going to eat and how much I'm going to eat. NO MORE MINDLESS EATING FOR ME!!!!! Maybe I'm being to learn what I should have learned long long ago.   I have a long way to go on this journey, but I'm willing to do it forever. I started to say for now, but that is the old thinking. I will not defeat myself with eating when not everything if perfect.   I'm really happy with myself and my progress at least today I am.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

This adventure I'm on

This is an adventure that I'm on right now, take so much of my time and energy. I'm living breathing it every minute of every day. I'm trying so hard to do this and the weight is so slow coming off. I know it took year to put on, but I what it off NOW!!   I walked today with my daughter maybe a 1/2 mile and I hope it helps. I'm trying to do more each day. I have been using some band to work on my arm that swing in the air everyday.   One of my biggest problem, I believe, is that I can't even believe that I will be thin. I can't even believe that it will every happen. It has been a dream for a long time, will it every happen. If I can change that thought about never being thinner, then maybe I can win this battle. I feel like I'm doing battle everyday with myself. Why can't I eat like a normal person, why does food have such a hold over me. I know I do it because it makes me feel better for a few minutes, but that doesn't last all that long. I know I eat because I love to eat, I do it because I'm feeling low, or because I'm mad or happy. Why is every emotion that I have tied to food. I know sometimes I'm not even hunrgy, but I feel like I want to eat. I'm really getting in touch with my feeling now. I really want to do this right and feel better. THE WAR WILL BE WON, ITS THE SMALL BATTLES THAT IS TAKING ALL MY WILL POWER FOR NOW. I WILL WIN THE SMALL BATTLES SO THAT I CAN WIN THE WAR!!!!!:clap2::clap2::clap2::clap2:
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

3-24-08

I'm not losing and its all my fault. I just can't seem to leave food alone. I need to track what I'm eating. I really don't think I'm eating that much, but I don't eat the right things. Way to much easy stuff. To many chips and sweets, I do try to eat more the good stuff. My breakfast is either a protien shake or weight control oatmeal, but then I alway follow that with something not so good for me, like pudding, or cheese. I really love cheese and it doesn't love me. I have never been able to lose weight when I eat cheese. I may start going back to weight watchers. I have alway been able to lose with weight watchers. I still think I may need a shrink that deals with people that have eating disorders. I just don't know if I can afford a shrink. I hurt my knee again on Saturday. I was out in the yard picking up sticks and when I got back in the house I could hardly walk. It hurt soooo bad. Its a little better today. I should go to the doctor, but they will just tell me that they can't do anything till I lose weight. I have to lose this weight. I'm so tire of feel so bad. Why can't I do this, its been a year since I got the band and I really thought this would do the trick, but no not for me. I feel so stupid. Why can't I do this. What am I so afraid of that I can't let food go? Why am I punshing my self with food? Why do I love food so much? It doesn't love me, in fact it hates me, just like everyone else in my life. I really need some good support, but people just don't like me. What do I do that turns people off? I know I can't talk with people I never learned how to talk with people. I feel so helpless. I really need help, I need someone to talk with. I always feel like everyone is judging me. I just don't measure up.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

this is a great day

Well it happen today. We have a roof for the screen in porch that we have been waiting for, six months, we have been waiting. I had begin to believe it would never happen. We started this journey in Sept and told it would take 2 months. Everything under the sun happen to this project, from rain,snow, to the construction supervisor not passing a test for city, to the city changing the rules. It looks like it may happen now.   I'm doing so much better today. The sun has shone for the first time in about a week. I can't stand it when we have no sunshine. It going rain tomorrow and maybe even snow Friday nite and Saturday morning. I hope their wrong. It's so cold way below average.   I have not been too hungry today.:clap2: I thing I need to take more of the benafiber. I have to order my meds for the mail order rx. TODAY HAS BEEN GREAT SO FAR. Hope to see more of these day.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Exercise today

Here it is 9:17 and I have already walked with my daughter. I walked about 3/4 of a mile today. My knees and hip hurt less today, so maybe I'm getting use to the walking. My goal for this month is to increase my daily excercise from nothing to something. I have walked 4 out of the last seven days. That is really great for me, now I just have to keep it up. Now that excercise is coming on board I have to get my calorie intact down. I have some restriction but not very much. I don't eat as much as I did, but I still taking in about 1500 calories a day.   I must stay postive and upbeat and see what I can do today.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

9-15-08

Well its been a month since I last post on my blog. I'm still not losing and its still my fault. At least I'm not as fat as I was when I started this journey. I hate to think where I would be without the band.   I leave in two weeks for vacation. I wanted to lose 30lbs, but I have lost maybe 5lbs. I guess I just don't want it that bad. I know all the reasons I should do it, but I just don't do it. I eat all the wrong things. I have so much trouble with the good stuff that I fine myself eating all the wrong stuff. The wrong stuff just goes down easier.   Oh well I haven't given up completely yet. I will try to do better each day,but no promises either.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

6-23-08 Yeah!!!!

Just back from the doctor for this month and low and behold I lost for the first time in almost a year. I lost a total of 8.2 lbs. I really do feel as if I have restriction for the first time. I hope this continues for sometime to come. I didn't get a fill this time, I will go back in 4 weeks and see how I'm doing. If I feel I need a fill (I'm eating more, or gaining weight) I can go back sooner. I have spent so much time with no restriction. I can't believe it took this long to get restriction. I'm sitting at 4.3 cc's in my 4.0 cc band. I just wonder if the miss the port when they were filling it last year, if not where did it go and why is it holding now. Oh well, no use in worrying about it, I'm just enjoying the restriction that I now have. I'm really still shooting for the 30lb weight lost before Hawaii on Sept 30th. I now have 22 lbs to go before then, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I will make that goal. I must remember to eat my protien and then veggies, then carbs. I have to drink more water and less Crytal light. I must excersise more often and regularly also. I can walk anytime is summer.   Feeling pretty good about myself right now. Now need to work on toning up the legs and arms and stomach. They are flabby and hanging and the drive me crazy with the way the look. I don't know if has anything to do with age or not.   Great month for me!!! :ohmy::thumbup:
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

afraid

I don't know why I'm afraid of things, but I am. I guess part of it is I'm afraid of change. Eating in comfortable its what I am. If I don't eat what will I do. I am afraid to talk to people so I just don't talk. People think I'm unfriendly, but I'm not. I just don't know how to talk to people. I'm always afraid that they won't like me. I am afraid to ask the hard questions, because I might have to make a change in my life. What am I afraid of? I don't like what I have became and I don't like hiding behind this wall of fat. So what am I afraid of. Change can't be as bad as my life is right now. How could it get any worst. I am afraid if I don't get the answers I want then I will have to make major changes in my life. I don't know if I have the courage to do that. I am afraid of losing my best friend and I have been this way for so long that I don't know any other way. Why am I always afraid of what others will think of me. When did I became this way? What made me this way? Why am I so afraid of life?
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Not a good week

This week has really sucked. I have really really been bad, I have over ate at most meals. Sunday was the worst day for eating I have had since I started this journey. I just grazed all day, on anything that would stand still. Yesterday was really not bad, but I was sitting and sewing all day. I lost a screw out of my pedometer and I can't track my walking right now, it was what held the clip on. I still know that I didn't walk enought yesterday. I did get all my quilt blocks done and now I need to put them together. I will have to find time to go back to my sisters to do that.   I need to start tracking my food intake again and my fix my pedometer. I really miss the pedometer it was like a game to see if I would walk more then the day before. Some days I walk a lot and some day I don't walk very much at all. I have gained this week,so I have to get my head back in the game. I not ready to stop losing yet. I do feel a lot better and I have only lost 36 lbs, so I need to get with the program and lose lose lose.   I know I can do this. I know that I will feel every better. I know that I will look a lot better. I know I will like the way I look a better. I know I will feel more normal. I know I will like myself better if I'm sucessful. I know that I can do this all by myself. I know that I'm alone in this journey, no one can do it for me. This is the path I have choosen for myself. This is the right path for me. I know that I will have bad days and I know I will have good days. I know I will question everything and anything that I do everyday. I know that it will take time to suceed in this journey. I know there will be day that I get discourged and I must just ride the wave that day. I know that I weight myself way to much. I know that I put way to much weight on what the scale says. I know I will do this.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

I did it!!!!

I did it, I went to water aerobics class this morning at the Y. It was really fun and I think I like it. I will try to go again tomorrow and do either the aerobics class or walk the river. I don't know if I'm fit enought for a full blown water aerobics class. The one I did was for I arthritis. I can't belive I did it. I put my swimsuit on and did it.   I think I finally have some restriction. I'm eating only about half as much as I was a week ago. I will try to keep track of what I'm eating see what happens this week. I really want to lose wieght and right now I'm feeling pretty good about what I'm doing.   Today will be a good day.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Sunday, 6-10-07

DH is gone till Wednesday nite, I'm alone with all my food thoughts, Oh my what will I do.:help: I'm going to go to the movies with a friend this afternoon. Tomorrow I will watch my grandson for awhile and take a walk I hope. Tuesday my sister wants me to come up and see a couple of our cousins. Then its Wed. and my DH will be home in the evening. I never get a chance to be bored or alone very often, always something going on.   I weight this morning and was done a couple of pounds hope it stay down. I seem to like to play around with a couple of pounds before they are really gone.   It was been raining again and talk that it will rain off and on all week long. Hope it nice in the mornings so Dana and I can walk. I really don't mind going if I have some one to go with me. We don't even walk together, she is much faster than me. Shes also twenty years younger than me.   I'm thinking some of clothes are beginning to be to big, but I hate tight clothes so will wait for a few more pounds to come off before I go down a size. They were way to tight before I started this journey, so I must be patient with myself.   It is going to be a great week. Hoping to get some more scrapebooking done.   Not feeling so hungry today, hope that stay with me for a long long time. Have to work on drinking more water or crystal light. Just have a problem getting fluids down. Never have figured out why I don't drink like other people do, but sometime I figure out that it has been serveral hours and I haven't drank a thing, I don't really feel thristy most of the time. I think its a problem and I need to get in tune with my thrist.   Almost time to go to the movies, that will be two movies and two play within one month.:clap2::clap2::clap2:
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

not a bad weekend

I had a really pretty good weekend concerning I was at my sisters and we had lots of food. I was only up a couple of ounces this morning on the scales.   Cheryl really looks bad, she has really had a ruff time of it this spring and summer. She has lost a lot of weight and she was not that big to begin with. Her skin just hangs on her and looks almost anorexic. She cant eat any wheat now and has to real careful of her diet. She had a bad case of diverticulitis. My aunt told her next time to go to the city and not mess around with any small town doctors. My aunt is a doctor. I'm worried about her. She has no energy and is tired all the time.   I really enjoyed seeing my Aunt and my nieces. We had a good time and I feel pretty good about what I ate. I did have a couple of sweets, but not near what I would have eaten a year ago. I know that this weight will come off. I have to get in gear and start exercising. I know that I will when I make up my mind to do it. I am fighting it right now and I really dont know why. I have to walk, I can't afford to join a gym right now. I hope it will cool down in the next month and maybe I will get started. My aunt thinks I should find a water exercise class, but I can't even think of putting this hugh body into a swim suit. I need to get over that too. Oh well have to much to do need to get going. At least I moving a lot more than I was. I'm way to senitive about how I look. I make myself sick and I can't imagine what anyone else would think. I know I shouldn't worry what others think, but I just don't like the way I look in most clothes, and how could anyone else stand to look at me. My husband doesn't even look at me why would anyone want to look at me either. I will get better has the weight comes off. How could I have been so blind in the past not to notice how terrible I looked. Noone even my husband or kids said anything to me. :omg:
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

7-31-07

I just don't understand why I feel I must eat, when I know there is junk in the house. I have the most uncontrolable feeling that I must eat it till its gone. I have been fighting it all day. I know that I don't need that junk, but I can't seem to help myself. I really thought that the desire to eat would go away, but it hasn't. I could just be bored, but don't think so. I could just be lazy, but not all the time. What is with the desire to eat and eat and eat. I know I must be trying to fill up a hole that is empty in my life, but what is that hole. That hole is big enough to suck in the whole ocean if I got close enough. Why is it when I can't sleep I think that eating something is going to put me sleep. Is that left over from being a child when you parents would feed you and put to bed. I really have to get serious about this I need figure all this out. I need to lose more weight so I feel better. I know that I'm already feeling better, but I want to feel great. I'm going to go to Texas in October and I would love to be at least 20lb smaller. It would make the air plane ride so much better. I guess that is my goal for now is to lose 20 lbs by October 17. That a good 10 weeks and thats only 2 lbs a week, thats not that much to ask for is it. I must excercise more, I did the peddle thing last nite for 10 minutes, I will try to work up to at least 30 minutes per day in the next two weeks. I need some good arm excersise also, maybe my bat wings will go away some. I just hate the big bump at the top of my elbows that seem to just hang out there. I will have to work hard to have them disappear.   Oh well today has been pretty good. I just have to write more here to keep my mood upbeat. I have to remember my goals for the next couple of months.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Still at a stand still, still my own doing

I'm not losing, but it is my own fault. I need to make better choices, I know I've been saying that for months. I know what I need to do, but I just don't make the correct choices. I start everyday thinking today will be the day that I will make the great change that I need to make. Then about half way through the day I make the choice to eat something I shouldn't or I choose to eat to much. I'm still really disappointed that I can eat to much. I still eating about 2 cups at a time or more. My pouch is not stretched out they checked it last month when I was in for a fill. I guess I will have them remove all the liquid from my band and see if it really has 3.9 cc of liquid in it. It seem like I have some restrcition for a few days, then I'm back to where I was. If it has a leak I wonder what they will do. I wonder if you have to have it replaced. Right now I'm so discourged that I don't know if I would have it removed and a new on placed. I know I have lost 30 lbs and I have kept it off for the most part. I think the largest amount I have lost is 35 lbs, but I did gain some it back. Oh well, guess I will get up and go do my shopping and do some extra rounds around the walmart so I will have some excersise today. Its so cold outside that I haven't been doing anything. Again thats a excuse, and I need to just do it. I just have to fight all my negative thoughts. My primary doctor was pleased with my labs yesterday. Ha1c was 5.9 which is really good. My cholesterol was really good 122. So there is some medical good news. I really wanted to lose some more before we leave for vacation. We leave in 2 weeks, so I guess I will not be any smaller than I was 6 or 7 months ago. I haven't lost since last June. I'm just so disappointed. I really thought I would not be hungry and I would not be able to eat very much, so far wrong on both accounts. I think I though if I wasn't hungry and couldn't eat very much I would lose and the rest of what I had to do would just fall in place. It was just a dream that I could do this.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

not feeling great today

It started last nite, this terrible burning in my stomach. I have been off my priolsec for a week. I went out this morning and got me some more. I hope that is the only reason my stomach is upset. I haven't ate much today 1 banana, a slice of pizza with chichen on it, and fruit smoothie. I need to get some protien in just not really feeling like eating. Oh well hope tomorrow is better. Three of my older grandkids wanted to come over and spend the afternoon with me. I really enjoyed having them, they are so much fun. I oldest granddaughter turn 14 yesterday, I just cant believe it. Where does the time go.   Speaking of time, why is it when you are dieting time slows to a snails pace. Looking back if I had just learned to eat the way I should have I wouldn't be doing this now. I hope you can teach a old dog a few new tricks.   Well off to find some protien, hope my stomach get settled down.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

ups and downs

Got up this morning and was really depressed that I have gained 2 lbs, but what could I expect I haven't really been very good. I then decide I would have a good day that last a couple of hours. I didn't eat breakfast just started paying bills, well I really depressed after that and I sure enough I ate a peanut butter sandwich cookie that is filled with nuttella. Boy was that a hugh mistake, I was kicking myself like crazy. I then went ahead an ate lunch. Had chicken salad on cracker and cantalope. Not to bad and now I could eat a horse. So I had a couple handful of peanuts. Now I have to stay strong till supper. I have to go watch my grandkids for a little while this evening. I love seeing my grandkids they are so cute. So I also pick up a pedometer the other day and I put that on at noon and see how many steps I do per day. I want to increase my step count every day. It has a memory for the last seven days so hopefully I can do more each day. I really want to lose more weight and I have to make some tough decisions each day and I have to do this. If I want to lose weight. I know I still feel like I will never do this, and I sometimes feel like a big old loser that is never going to win. I sometime think I shouldn't even try cause its just not going to happen. I know it will come if I just stay strong and try to not get really down. I think I will try to stay away from the boards. I think I take so much personally that I let everyones success defeat myself. I wish I was that person that has lost 70 lbs already, but I'm not so I think if I quite comparing myself to other I will be better off. I have to keep writing in times like this so that I stay postive. I can do this. I just know I can.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Not the easy to be thin

THIS IS THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVERYDONE IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!   Don't every let anyone think that this is the easy way to go. This is hard!! All the bad things go done so easy and all the good thing take time to chew and go down. This is a tool that need constant attention. You can't let you guard down for a minute. I know I'm not eating nearly what I did before the band, but those old habits just want to keep coming back.   I have trouble in the mornings, I'm just not hungry. So I have been trying to eat a protien bar and drink some water. Lunch is not much better, I really don't get hungry till around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. Then IT starts to sneek back up on you. The snack attack happens, 1st I just have some cheese to tide me over till its supper time, THEN the candy or cookie monster takes over trying to steel your brain. The candy, cookie and even ice cream call you name and gentle whispers in your ear EAT ME, EAT ME, EAT ME. Its like a horror movie that is in your brain. That gentle lover wants to take over your body and never let you out, YOU MUST BE STRONG. NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU SWEAT, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN TO THE OTHERSIDE, RESIST THE DARK SIDE. IT JUST WANTS TO MAKE A FOOL OF YOU EVERDAY OF YOUR LIFE. NOW IS THE TIME TO WIN THE BATTLE, THE BATTLE FOR YOU LIFE AND ITS JUST BEGAN.     STAY STRONG AND FIND OTHER THINGS TO DO!!!!!!
carol1951

carol1951

1
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