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Maybe I just don't want it bad enough

I don't know if I don't want to lose weight or if I'm scared to lose weight, but I just keeping shooting myself in the foot all the time. I eat all the wrong foods most of the time. I know I shouldn't eat it, but I do it anyway. Breakfast is still just a protien shake if its early it just doesn't want to go down. Then around 10 or 11 I eat chips, crackers or cheese. Then when its lunch time I skip it or I'm to full from all the junk that I don't eat. Then around 3 I'm hungry and can't hardly stand it, so I eat something easy like chip, crackers or cheese. I really don't eat many sweets cause I know I can't keep them in the house. I do crave chocolate. My DH is not a sweet person so thats why I have the chips and crackers. I don't usually, in the past, eat ice cream although here lately I can't seem to get enough of it. I guess I'm going to have to not buy that either. I'm lost on what to eat for lunch. I can't eat bread it just doesn't want to go down. I do eat salad some, I've done tuna or chichen salad some, soup alot. I have trouble with chicken and some beef. I think I'm not chewing my food good enough and if I'm too hungry I eat to fast so I need to slow down and eat slower. I really did do good in Texas, but maybe that was because I didn't have to cook or think about it. I was moving more while I was gone. I really need to excerise more, walking is good. I need to find some excerises that don't require me to get down on the floor. I have a really hard time getting up off the floor with my bad knee. I need to work on my stomach it is getting floppy and my butt is sagging. I still am wearing my 3x's and I have lost 35 lbs. I really want to go down in the sizes, but I have this big butt and stomach. My arms are flopping in the wind so need to get some excerise the will tighten them up. I NEED HELP. I WILL DO THIS IF TAKE ME YEARS. I KNOW I HAVE TO PUT MORE EFFORT IN TO IT. NO ONE BUT ME CAN DO THIS. I HAVE TO STOP BUYING THING THAT I KNOW I CAN EAT THAT ARE NOT GOOD FOR ME. I NEED TO GET AN ANOTHER FILL AND HOPE THAT THE AMOUNT THAT I CAN EAT GOES DOWN TO 1/2 CUP AMOUNTS. I MUST KEEP MYSELF BUSY, IF I'M BUSY I DON'T EVEN THINK OF FOOD. THE MORE I DO THE MORE I WILL BE ABLE TO DO. THE MORE I EXCERISE THE STRONGER I WILL GET. I CAN DO THIS.   I feel so alone in this struggle. I need to find a good support group that is close to home, wonder how to find a group. I need to find some friends that understand my struggle.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

I'm back

Got back from Texas yesterday and I soooo glad to be home. I really missed that new bed, the sleep number bed. It was really nice down there, the temps were in the middle 80's most of the time. My aunts house is really cute. The dogs are something else, but they were nice and when they are sleeping you would never of guess that there was 8 dogs in the house. The really great news is I didn't gain any weight while I was there:whoo::whoo:. My sister did really good on the flight down and back. It was a little bumpy coming home. I now have to get busy and try to lose more weight before the holidays get here. It's not that long till thanksgiveing and Christmas is right around the block and coming fast. I now that this is going to be a great week.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Can't sleep tonight

Don't know why some nights I just can't sleep. I need to sleep tonight have a lot to do tomorrow. I leave Thursday for a weekend at my Aunts house in Texas. I still need to pack and pay bills and run some errands tomorrow. I have so much on my mind and just doesn't want to shut down tonight so here it is 3:30 and I'm still awake. I was due to get a fill yesterday, but I postponed that till I get back. I was afraid that anymore in my band might make me to full right now. I'm at 3.5 cc in my 4 cc band and didn't want to get somewhere and not be able to enjoy myself. I haven't lost any weight in the last 4 weeks. I just bounce around the 265 mark. Some days I'm at 262 or 263 then the next I'm back at 265. I hope this goes down one of these days. I really need to make better choices. I always start out strong then get weaker as the day wears on. I have found that my protien shakes really help, some days I have them for breakfast and other days I have them for lunch. I wish I could leave cheese alone, guess I will just have to quit buying it like I did with cookies. Well hope this trip goes good, since I'm going with my sister and she doesn't like to fly. It's a short flight only 2 hours and its non-stop so that should help. I hope I get sleepy soon or its going to be time to get up for the day. I not sleepy yet.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Did I make a mistake?

I wondering if I made a mistake in getting the band, its not working for me the way I thought it would. I can still eat way to much and I don't make the best decisions. I got the band thinking it would limit how much I could eat, but I still can eat just about anything I want to. I have never got down to only 1/2 cup. I can eat about 2cups at a time. I have to slow down to eat or I pb but I still cant eat to much. I feel like I have screwed up everything. I'm so weak when it come to eating. I love to cook and now I try not to, but I still have to cook something or else I will just eat anything. I have don't buy cookies or pies anymore and I sure don't buy cake. I made one for my husband a couple of weeks ago and I had to throw the rest of it out because I just couldn't leave it a lone. I could eat till I puke I think. What is wrong with you, are you just an crazy old woman, who should have just left things the way the were and just been fat the rest of your life. I do feel better, but my knees are sore most of the time and I have no energy. I really sometimes I feel like it was a mistake to get the band. I know people are looking at me wondering when I'm going to lose weight. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

10-1-07

Can't believe that its October already, seem like it was just July yesterday. I haven't lost anymore weight, but I have no one to blamel, but myself. I really need to get a move on. I don't eat as much, but still can:faint: eat the wrong things. The wrong things go down way to easy. I have had a couple of pb's this past week and it seem if I eat to fast that's when it happens. I hope I'm getting closer on my fills. I have 3.5 cc in my 4cc band, but I not anywhere close to just eat 1/2 cup at a time. I may have stretched my pouch out. I just don't know. I just have no will power. I just eat when I'm sad, happy, hungry, not hungry. I can eat anytime, anywhere. I just don't understand what is wrong with me. I know I want this,but I guess I just don't want it bad enought to give up everything. I don't buy cookies anymore, I havn't had a diet coke, or bread since 3-19-2007. I can still eat ice cream, chips, cant eat muffins, can eat cake, can't eat pizza crust, can eat the topping off of pizza. I'm trying to peddle everyday, but today my knee is really sore. I need to join the Y, but I limited on money right now. So guess I'm just having a pitty party today. I have felt really weepy all day and really don't know why. Hope tomorrow is a better day than today.:faint::faint:
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

Not a good week

This week has really sucked. I have really really been bad, I have over ate at most meals. Sunday was the worst day for eating I have had since I started this journey. I just grazed all day, on anything that would stand still. Yesterday was really not bad, but I was sitting and sewing all day. I lost a screw out of my pedometer and I can't track my walking right now, it was what held the clip on. I still know that I didn't walk enought yesterday. I did get all my quilt blocks done and now I need to put them together. I will have to find time to go back to my sisters to do that.   I need to start tracking my food intake again and my fix my pedometer. I really miss the pedometer it was like a game to see if I would walk more then the day before. Some days I walk a lot and some day I don't walk very much at all. I have gained this week,so I have to get my head back in the game. I not ready to stop losing yet. I do feel a lot better and I have only lost 36 lbs, so I need to get with the program and lose lose lose.   I know I can do this. I know that I will feel every better. I know that I will look a lot better. I know I will like the way I look a better. I know I will feel more normal. I know I will like myself better if I'm sucessful. I know that I can do this all by myself. I know that I'm alone in this journey, no one can do it for me. This is the path I have choosen for myself. This is the right path for me. I know that I will have bad days and I know I will have good days. I know I will question everything and anything that I do everyday. I know that it will take time to suceed in this journey. I know there will be day that I get discourged and I must just ride the wave that day. I know that I weight myself way to much. I know that I put way to much weight on what the scale says. I know I will do this.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

I think I have it

I believe I have finely have restriction. Its not bad, just can't eat to fast or to big a bite. I have to chew really good anything solid, like chicken, roast beef, or some veggies. I really excited and hopeful this will do the trick and I will start losing faster. I really want to lose this weight and I really don't want to take 5 years to do it. If it does take 5 years that will be ok, just as long as I don't every go back to where I was. I have lost 36 lbs and that only a fraction of what I need to lose, but at least I didn't gain.   I just spent the last two day quilting with my sister and I didn't get my excersise, but I didn't gain. I didn't get enough water either. My sisters ice tasted funny to me and I just couldn't get anything that tasted good. I really didn't over eat. I now feel full most of the time. I still have to stop myself from just grazing, which is what I alway did before.   My brother had his knee replaced on Monday and is going home today. He's really doing good, I'm very proud of him and the way that he doing. Its hard to keep a old farmer down.   Everything going fine for now.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Another fill today

Well I went to doctor today and lost only 3 lbs this past month. I have to start keeping tract again. Why do I fight keeping track of what I eat. I just hate measuring and weighting everything I eat. I want to do what normal people do, I want to eat a salad or soup or sandwich and not worry that I'm eating to much. At the rate I'm losing it will take years and years for me to lose all my weight. I have lost 4 lbs in the last 2 months. I have lost a total of 35.8 lbs since banding march 20. In 6 six months that is not very much. I know at least I didn't gain 35.8 lbs. Anyway the add another .5 cc in my band that brings me to 3.5 cc in my 4cc band. I hope I'm not to full. Of course I'm on liquid the next 48 hours. I have read on the threads that some doctors are not doing that now. I will not eat at least till tomorrow nite then just soft foods. Will see how I do with liquids. I had protien shake for lunch today, went down fine, just took me a hour to drink it. I would love to lose 10 lbs this next month. Maybe I should settle for 5 lbs a month and be happy.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

bad week

This past week has just been terrible. Right now I just don't want to diet. I just want to eat. It all started last Wednesday nite when my Husband and I got into a disagreement over the grandkids. He's mad and I don't care, so he's not speaking and I'm not speaking. The least said the better right now. So I'm emotinally eating anything that I can fine. I have gain a couple of lbs and tomorrow is the day I weight at the doctors office and I doubt that I have lost anything again this month. So right now I'm fighting not to eat. I just threw out the cookie dough that I baked into bars yesterday. I did give some to my neighbor and I ate some, the rest is going to the birds. I can't have sweets in the house. I have also ate chips and cheese.   I have to get a hold of my eating. I really do want to lose, but why do I punish myself. I'm not punishing anyone else, but me.   Well tomorrow will tell how bad I have really been. I will do this. I will not punish myself with food. I have to face the music and tomorrow is the day.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

New day, new month

Iwill try to walk or peddle every day this month, or at least 5 out of 7 day a week. I did really good yesterday I walk for .8 miles and peddled for 20 minutes. I know that excersise is the only way that I'm going to lose weight.   I got on the scale this morning and the scale was down, but won't get my hopes up till it stays down. I won't believe it till it stay there for a few days. I go to my PCP on Friday. I hope the weight is down and I hope my Hgac1 is good. I really haven't been watching my blood sugar all that close.   I'm in much better spirts than I have been in a while. I made up my mind that I was going to have to fight to lose this weight. The fat is not wanting to go without fighting me. It's not going to win.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Just want to lose

I just want to lose weight. I'm so discouraged. I haven't really lost anything in two months. I weight myself everyday. I can't seem to leave scale alone for more than a day. Six weeks ago when I went in for a fill I had lost 4lbs in a month. Then two weeks ago when I went for my fill I had lost only 1 lb in a month. I just want to lose. I have start excerising and I try to count calories. I know that I don't eat as much as I use to, but I'm not losing. I really thought this was the way to go, but guess I will never be thin or smaller. I haven't even changed sizes yet, still wearing 3X. I have lost 31 lbs. I told myself that I would be happy if I lost anything at all, but that was a lie to myself. I want to lose. I want to be a normal size. I want to feel good. I do feel some better, my knee doesn't hurt nearly as much. I want to get off some the drugs I have been on for years. I want to travel and not have to feel out of place on airplanes. I want to walk in a store, or anyplace I go without people staring at me. I WANT TO BE NORMAL.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

discourged

Weighted myself this morning and I'm still at 267.5. Its been 2 weeks since my last fill. I know that I have some restriction now, but I'm not losing yet. I feel that I'm not taking in as much as I was. I been fighting not tracking my food, but guess I will have start. I just don't know why I'm not losing. I figured how many calories I would need to take in to maintain this weight and it was around 2300 calories per day. I feel like I'm not taking in that may calories, plus I have started to do more excercising. Yesterday I went for 20 minutes. I know 20 minutes isn't much for some people, but I'm proud of myself for doing that much. Last year at this time my knee was so sore I couldn't do much at all, just going to the store was a chore. I'm trying to increase my step count each day. I really want to lose this weight. No one as to tell me that at least I haven't gained I have lost 30 lbs,but so discourging when I see people on the boards talking about losing 50 to 100 lbs in the same time. I really glad its working for them, maybe the tool just isn't working for me yet. I will try to track my food this next week and see how I'm doing. I will try to increase my water in take. The other thing that is getting on my nerves is the gas that I'm experiencing. I don't know if that is normal or not. I'm been bloated has well. The gas is just terrible, its painful. I don't know if its increase in fiber, but don't think so.   I will have a good week this week. I will track my food, I will increase my step count, and I will excersise more.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

busy weekend

Had a really busy week last week and I now am recovering. I didn't lose anything this past week, of course not suprised. I ate out most of the time. Didn't do to bad. I had a great time at the scrapbooking weekend. My girlfriend and I got a lot done, I don't believe I will ever get all my pictures done. I got home Sunday afternoon. I was so tired, I still recovering. Its so hot outside, I hope it cools off soon. I really want to start walking outside, but its just to hot right now for that.   Maybe I will lose something this week. I'm starting to day with a protien shake. My husband is gone tonight for supper so will have chilli. I think I will make that it goes down good and I will have left overs for the rest of the week.   I have to be serious this week about my food intake since I had such a good week last week eating out so much. I still can't have cookies around. I got some to take to the retreat last weekend and of course I ate them. I know better, but did it anyway. No wonder I didn't lose anything last week, but didn't gain any either.   Will have a positive week this week. I have figured out that I have more time to fill now that I don't think of food all the time, and I'm not either cooking or shopping for food. That really took up a lot of time. I now have figure out what to do to keep myself busy so I don't want to eat. I find I can now go a couple of hours at time without thinking of food. That is experience that I haven't had in a very long time. I think I will try to make a quilt this winter and get more of my scrapbooking done.   I must get busy. This will be a good week.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

another fill today

I went for another fill today. I had only lost 2.2 lbs this last month. They added another .5 cc so now I have 3.0 cc in my 4 cc band. I hope this works this time. I'm just a little discouraged, not down like I was last time. I knew that I hadn't lost very much by my own scales. I will have to try harder this time. The post fill diet really s####. I can't stand the clear liquid part of it, tomorrow I can have full liquids. I'm not sure why the have you do this. Oh well its only 2 days out of my life. I WANT RESTRICTION. I WANT TO LOSE MORE THAN 2 LBS A MONTH. At 2 lbs a month it will take me more than 5 years to lose this weight. I will be older than dirt by that time. I shouldn't whine, at least I didn't gain and anything is better than nothing.   I think I fight losing, I get tired of trying to do all the stuff they said we should do. I hate going to fitday and I now refuse to do that. I should only have to eat my small amount and be happy with that. I'm trying to excersise more, I hope it cools off soon. I want to get outside and walk. Won't belong and I will whine because of the cold weather. Oh well I must get on with my diet and my life. I WILL LOSE THIS WEIGHT.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

new week, new day

I think I have given up on trying to keep track of everything I eat on fitday.com. I find it hard to track some of the stuff I still eat. Like casseroles, mixed salad ( not lettuce stuff). I have troulbe finding some things also. I think sometimes I get to focused on what I'm eating and trying track it on fitday. I have had a pretty good weekend. I go for another fill tomorrow and hope the scale drops some. I would love to lose 1lb a week, but I don't think I've done that. I know that my clothes are getting bigger, but not to big yet. I really thought I would hit a size smaller, but not really there yet ( very close).   Its really hot here and I have not started walking outside yet, but I still useing my little pedals and I have up it to 20 minutes at a time. I hope to make to 30 minutes by the end of this week. I want to walk as soon as it get cooler and maybe I can walk for 30 minutes. I know that the pedals are easier than walking, but it still movement. I averaged 2884 steps per day last week and I want to increase that to 3000 per day on average this week. I really think moving will up my weight lost. I need to get over the fear of a gym, but not yet. I still feel like I'm to big to go to a gym. Besides being retired I can't really afford on right now, maybe in a year. I hope I can get my DH to go with me at that time. I can do some tapes and things like that at home. Maybe I will try one of channels on tv that has excerise on it.   I'm feeling very hopeful this will be a good week. I get to go scrapbooking this next weekend. I know that will be a challenge, has I will not be home. I'm trying to plan ahead. My sister and niece are coming on thursday and will return to their homes on friday. We are planning on eating out at least twice. Shouldn't be to hard to eat at the places we are talking about going to.   I CAN DO THIS. I WILL BE THINNER IN THE DAYS AND MONTHS AND YEARS TO COME. I WILL BE HEALTHIER AND HAPPY.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

when will I give up

When will I give up these three pounds that I keep playing with. I go and I go down, why won't it just go away. I haven't lost a lb in the last month. I have increased my activity and I doing better most day with my eating. I still don't have the restriction that I want, but go next Tuesday for another fill. I hope this is the one, it will be my 5th fill. I still not low enough on the carbs. I do fine getting in the protien, but carbs are still a problem with me.   This addiction as I call it is hard to bust. Maybe I will never get rid of it. I just need to learn how to live with it. I really didn't think the other night that I was eating because of emotions, but as I was going to bed I realized that I was upset with my DH. I have to face it that most of the time I deal with all emotions with food. I love food, I can't remember I time that I didn't love food. I like to look at it. I like cook it. I like eat it. I love to talk about food. My life as been about food and after 56 years of food I don't know anything else. I hide behind food. I cover up feelings with food. I make it my relaxation. I live most minutes of my life thinking of food. It has gotten better since I got the band. I really don't think of food as often, but it still only takes a commerical on tv to set me off. I saw a commerical for kfc the other night and I swear my mouth started watering and I don't even like kfc. My love affair with food is coming to an end, but it is so hard.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Cant sleep tonight

I don't know why I can't sleep tonight, so naturally I got up and ate some cereal and just had to have something else, so found some cookies. I knew I shouldn't have got them. I did it anyway. I'm really try to mess with my own head. It seems I always trying to put up road blocks. I wasn't mad or sad, it wasn't really emtional thing, I just wanted something to eat. Sometime when I can't sleep and I get something to eat I will fall to sleep faster. I should really be sleeping, as I got up at 4:45 this morning or should I say yesterday morning. Took Tracy and Caleb to the airport. Shes taking Caleb to Disney World for a few days. He was so excited about the airplane ride. Oh for the wonder of youth again, not the jade thoughts of the old.   I have had a really good day otherwise. Guess I won't beat myself up over this. As Scarlet would say Theres always tomorrow.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

8-7-07

Not having a bad day, just an plain old same day. I have tried to keep busy. I have made up serveral packets for my scrapbooking weekend coming up. I need to make a plan for that weekend. Food of course, so that I don't get taken by surprise with the food. We have a suite I think,but don't know if it has refrig or anything like that. If I eat out I will need to figure out when to go and what to eat before I get there. I know bread is out, so won't be going to any hamburger joints. Need to find some place with good protien sources. Need to find if the hotel has a refrig first, guess I should call the place. If the have a refrig I will just take some stuff to make a salad with chicken or roast beef, or may ham. I don't like breakfast so could take my smoothie maker and have protien shake for breakfast. I really hadn't given this any thought till now. This is the first time that I will be away for the weekend. Really looking forward to that.   I go next week for another fill I hope this is the one that really makes a difference. I have 2.5 cc in a 4 cc band. They are so expensive I really want to have the restriction I need.   I will try to eat more protien and try to stay away from cheese. I did have a couple of pieces of chocolate last night. No other junk food yesterday. I did peddle yesterday for 11 minutes, I think I will try for 15 tonight.   Stay strong, live long.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

funky mood

I really in a funky mood today, was yesterday too. I've decide to not have any junk food for a whole month and see if that really helps. I have such a sweet tooth. I don't mind the chips and stuff, but I don't let anything sweet set in my house for more than a couple of minutes. I need to wien myself from all sweets. I don't care for ice cream either it more of the cookies, cakes and some candy. Chocolate candy is a big weakness. I will be keep my sugar free candies, they are the cinnimon disks.   I have to stay strong. I have not lost any weight for the last month. I really thought maybe I had the way I have been running to the bathroom to void all the time the last couple of days. Maybe it will take the scales a couple of days to catch up. I have been wearing my pedometer the last few day to see how little I walk. I want to a weeks worth of stats and then do a average and see if I can increase my steps by one hundred step per day for the next week. I want to get alot more active. I really disappointed in my DH cause he told me when I start this journey that he would walk with me. It hasn't happen yet. Maybe when it gets cooler he will decide to walk with me.   I'm trying real hard to have a really good week this week. I'm keeping track of my food intake and will excerise every day this week. My excerise is peddling on my peddle machine for at least 10 minutes a day. I know that doesn't sound like much, but with my bad knees and my inactivity it is a big thing for me.   WILL DO GOOD THIS WEEK. NO JUNK FOOD AND WILL EXCERISE EVERYDAY.   THURSDAY 4289 FRIDAY 2345 SATURADAY 2149 SUNDAY 2952
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

8-3-07

Today is Dana's birthday, I can't believe its been 36 years since she made her enterance into this world. It would be a darker place without her.   I'm feeling much better today. My weight is back down 2lbs, which is a great relief. I had a pretty good day yesterday. I peddled for 6 minutes and I wore pedometer all day. I did do shopping yesterday, so today I will have to get out and walk for awhile. I want to figure out how many step I take in a week. I will then have a average to work on and then I will start to increase my step count. I just have to do something to start this weight loss. I tryed to eat more protien yesterday. Most protien is hard to get down. I need to slow down my eating and chew better. I let myself get to hungry before I eat. I must work on that.   It will be a wonderful day today. I can do this.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

ups and downs

Got up this morning and was really depressed that I have gained 2 lbs, but what could I expect I haven't really been very good. I then decide I would have a good day that last a couple of hours. I didn't eat breakfast just started paying bills, well I really depressed after that and I sure enough I ate a peanut butter sandwich cookie that is filled with nuttella. Boy was that a hugh mistake, I was kicking myself like crazy. I then went ahead an ate lunch. Had chicken salad on cracker and cantalope. Not to bad and now I could eat a horse. So I had a couple handful of peanuts. Now I have to stay strong till supper. I have to go watch my grandkids for a little while this evening. I love seeing my grandkids they are so cute. So I also pick up a pedometer the other day and I put that on at noon and see how many steps I do per day. I want to increase my step count every day. It has a memory for the last seven days so hopefully I can do more each day. I really want to lose more weight and I have to make some tough decisions each day and I have to do this. If I want to lose weight. I know I still feel like I will never do this, and I sometimes feel like a big old loser that is never going to win. I sometime think I shouldn't even try cause its just not going to happen. I know it will come if I just stay strong and try to not get really down. I think I will try to stay away from the boards. I think I take so much personally that I let everyones success defeat myself. I wish I was that person that has lost 70 lbs already, but I'm not so I think if I quite comparing myself to other I will be better off. I have to keep writing in times like this so that I stay postive. I can do this. I just know I can.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

7-31-07

I just don't understand why I feel I must eat, when I know there is junk in the house. I have the most uncontrolable feeling that I must eat it till its gone. I have been fighting it all day. I know that I don't need that junk, but I can't seem to help myself. I really thought that the desire to eat would go away, but it hasn't. I could just be bored, but don't think so. I could just be lazy, but not all the time. What is with the desire to eat and eat and eat. I know I must be trying to fill up a hole that is empty in my life, but what is that hole. That hole is big enough to suck in the whole ocean if I got close enough. Why is it when I can't sleep I think that eating something is going to put me sleep. Is that left over from being a child when you parents would feed you and put to bed. I really have to get serious about this I need figure all this out. I need to lose more weight so I feel better. I know that I'm already feeling better, but I want to feel great. I'm going to go to Texas in October and I would love to be at least 20lb smaller. It would make the air plane ride so much better. I guess that is my goal for now is to lose 20 lbs by October 17. That a good 10 weeks and thats only 2 lbs a week, thats not that much to ask for is it. I must excercise more, I did the peddle thing last nite for 10 minutes, I will try to work up to at least 30 minutes per day in the next two weeks. I need some good arm excersise also, maybe my bat wings will go away some. I just hate the big bump at the top of my elbows that seem to just hang out there. I will have to work hard to have them disappear.   Oh well today has been pretty good. I just have to write more here to keep my mood upbeat. I have to remember my goals for the next couple of months.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

not a bad weekend

I had a really pretty good weekend concerning I was at my sisters and we had lots of food. I was only up a couple of ounces this morning on the scales.   Cheryl really looks bad, she has really had a ruff time of it this spring and summer. She has lost a lot of weight and she was not that big to begin with. Her skin just hangs on her and looks almost anorexic. She cant eat any wheat now and has to real careful of her diet. She had a bad case of diverticulitis. My aunt told her next time to go to the city and not mess around with any small town doctors. My aunt is a doctor. I'm worried about her. She has no energy and is tired all the time.   I really enjoyed seeing my Aunt and my nieces. We had a good time and I feel pretty good about what I ate. I did have a couple of sweets, but not near what I would have eaten a year ago. I know that this weight will come off. I have to get in gear and start exercising. I know that I will when I make up my mind to do it. I am fighting it right now and I really dont know why. I have to walk, I can't afford to join a gym right now. I hope it will cool down in the next month and maybe I will get started. My aunt thinks I should find a water exercise class, but I can't even think of putting this hugh body into a swim suit. I need to get over that too. Oh well have to much to do need to get going. At least I moving a lot more than I was. I'm way to senitive about how I look. I make myself sick and I can't imagine what anyone else would think. I know I shouldn't worry what others think, but I just don't like the way I look in most clothes, and how could anyone else stand to look at me. My husband doesn't even look at me why would anyone want to look at me either. I will get better has the weight comes off. How could I have been so blind in the past not to notice how terrible I looked. Noone even my husband or kids said anything to me. :omg:
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

try to fill a hole in my sole

I know that I have lost my DD, but the hole it has left in me is hugh. I have been trying to fill it with food today and I know that won't work. I have to work through these problems and hope for the best. I did my best with her, but it was never enough. I truely love her and her kids, but I can't seem to do enough. I have given money till have none left to give. I have babysit and pick up the kids from school when sick. I have gotten the grandkids birthday, christmas presents, and clothes for school. I have tried to be there when she need me, but in the end she choose a man who has completly shut out her family. I wish I could change a lot of things. I know I can only do so much and I do the best that I can. I will miss not seeing the kids, but the last time I talked with her and told her the kids had been over when the were at their dads I could tell she was not happy about them being at my house. I will not put them in the middle so I will not see them or talk with them when they are at their dads. This is the hardest thing I have to do. She was to decide when and if I can see them, its not up to me, she is their mother.   I have eaten way to much today already and its only 12:30. I have had a protein bar, 2 oz cheese, a bowl of pasta and meatballs, and some cheese spread on crackers. I will have to drink a lot of water and do some excersises. I know it could have been worst had I not had the band. THE BAND IS MY FRIEND, MAYBE THE BEST FRIEND I HAVE. THE BAND DOESN'T LYE. THE BAND DOESN'T WANT ANYTHING FROM ME. THE BAND WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME. I LOVE MY BAND.   I thank God everyday that I have the band to remind me not to eat to much and to love myself. If I don't love myself no one else will love me.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

Major melt down on Friday

I really am sad about my dd Susie. I cried and yelled Friday at no one. She really feels that I should pay for her car that she said she should pay for. Its been three years and she still can't make a payment. She know that I don't believe that her husband can't find a job. She has been working two and sometimes three jobs to make ends meet. Why would she do that? I just don't understand. She has taken on all her husbands problems and child plus her own 4 kids. Why does she think I should use all my retirement money. I know I will never see it back. We got the car in my DH name so that she could have something to drive that safe for the kids. Then she got pg and her husband, then boyfriend left her with no job and pg. Then as soon as she had her another job after the baby was born, he was back again. Never mind he was living with another woman while she as having a baby. She thinks I'm not giving him a chance. I don't trust him. I gave her money for the down payment or closing cost on her house. I then had to pay off the landlord from her rental, because he decide to hold her to the lease, which he didn't tell her about till after she had moveout. Oh well I'm just really hurt by all this. I don't know how to handle it either. I guess I will have to find a job. It won't be in the nursing field either. I just can't go back to nursing and My knees are so bad I don't know how long I can stand to stand. Guess I will just have to figure it out.   I didn't do to bad with the eating Friday just a couple of no bake peanut butter cookies and a piece of cake. If this had been before the band I probably would have eaten my weight in food. I really do try to listen to my band. I need to find a name for my band.
carol1951

carol1951

1
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