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discourged

Weighted myself this morning and I'm still at 267.5. Its been 2 weeks since my last fill. I know that I have some restriction now, but I'm not losing yet. I feel that I'm not taking in as much as I was. I been fighting not tracking my food, but guess I will have start. I just don't know why I'm not losing. I figured how many calories I would need to take in to maintain this weight and it was around 2300 calories per day. I feel like I'm not taking in that may calories, plus I have started to do more excercising. Yesterday I went for 20 minutes. I know 20 minutes isn't much for some people, but I'm proud of myself for doing that much. Last year at this time my knee was so sore I couldn't do much at all, just going to the store was a chore. I'm trying to increase my step count each day. I really want to lose this weight. No one as to tell me that at least I haven't gained I have lost 30 lbs,but so discourging when I see people on the boards talking about losing 50 to 100 lbs in the same time. I really glad its working for them, maybe the tool just isn't working for me yet. I will try to track my food this next week and see how I'm doing. I will try to increase my water in take. The other thing that is getting on my nerves is the gas that I'm experiencing. I don't know if that is normal or not. I'm been bloated has well. The gas is just terrible, its painful. I don't know if its increase in fiber, but don't think so.   I will have a good week this week. I will track my food, I will increase my step count, and I will excersise more.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

Just want to lose

I just want to lose weight. I'm so discouraged. I haven't really lost anything in two months. I weight myself everyday. I can't seem to leave scale alone for more than a day. Six weeks ago when I went in for a fill I had lost 4lbs in a month. Then two weeks ago when I went for my fill I had lost only 1 lb in a month. I just want to lose. I have start excerising and I try to count calories. I know that I don't eat as much as I use to, but I'm not losing. I really thought this was the way to go, but guess I will never be thin or smaller. I haven't even changed sizes yet, still wearing 3X. I have lost 31 lbs. I told myself that I would be happy if I lost anything at all, but that was a lie to myself. I want to lose. I want to be a normal size. I want to feel good. I do feel some better, my knee doesn't hurt nearly as much. I want to get off some the drugs I have been on for years. I want to travel and not have to feel out of place on airplanes. I want to walk in a store, or anyplace I go without people staring at me. I WANT TO BE NORMAL.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

7-8-09

I have not posted on my blog for serveral months now. I keep thinking things will change and I will start to lose. I'm so disappointed in myself. I know the band rules about junk foods, so now I'm trying not to have any in the house. I think that has helped me some, but I want to be thin. Thin is my dream these days. My life is all about food and what I can eat and what I cant eat. Sometimes I find myself hungry, but nothing sounds good anymore. Some of the things I want to eat I know will not go down so I just don't eat. Maybe one of these days it will all come together in my head and I will finally get my act together and just do this.   I know I'm fighting myself , but I still don't completely know why. I know that my personal life has a lot to do with it and I don't think that will change anytime soon. I wish I was a stronger person and maybe I wouldn't let things get to me.   My biggest fear is that I will die fat, or that no one will love me because I'm so fat. I sometimes feel as if my family is ashamed of me and really don't want to be seen with me. I went to the baseball game a couple of weeks ago and I was afraid I wouldn't fit in the seats. It was tight and I had bruises on my hips for the next week. Why isn't that a wake up call for me? Why don't I do something about it? I just don't understand myself. I can't blame anyone but myself for my failure. I know I have to be in control, but right now I'm way out of control.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

so far so good

I drove today to get my toenails done. Did ok with the driving, guess I have no excuse now to go to the store for some food. I have had chicken, and I cooked a pork tenderloin in the pressure cooker and the didn't give me any trouble. My biggest problem is eating to fast, must learn to slow down. I still having problem with getting enough water in each day. Probably I get maybe six glass per day. That really good concerning I didn't drink much before my band, this is life long problem. I'm not missing my diet coke the way I thought I would.   I can tell that I am losing either weight or inches maybe both the way my clothes are feeling. I have got to get to walking. I have put it off, but now its turned cold again. I will try using the little pedal wheel thing in the house tonight. I really have to start getting my streght back, Its been two week now. My incisions are healed.   I have my first fill in three week, little nervous about that. I need to call and see if I need someone to go with me. Oh well its time to go get the trash gathered up for tomorrow.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Home alone again

My DH just left for his big week long camping out with his highschool buddies. I know he couldn't hardly wait to go, he tries to play it down, but I know he can't wait to get there. I just wish he would get tired of them. They have been doing this for 30+ years. I think this is the first year one of the guys is only going to be there one evening. Maybe the rest will get tire of acting like kids and grow up. I know he has fun, but after 30 years it about time to give it up.   I'm alone in the house and I have so much I need to be doing, but I have yet to get started. I usually get a lot done this week, while hes out of the house. He isn't going to Canada fishing this year, this will be the first year in about 20 that he hasn't done that. He spends more time with his buddies camping and fishing then he has with me in the 37 years. I can count on one hand how many vacations we have had together. I should never have let him start all the trips, but I was busy with kids, working, and I never seem to have the vacation time. You know I always had to take time off when the kids were sick, so I never had the time for vacations. Now that I have retired from the work force you think we would go somewhere, but no we don't. I went to New York with my girlfriend in May for 4 nights and five days, of course my DH couldn't get off work. That the usually excuse that I hear a lot when I want to go some where. He always has time for his camping trips. It really hurts my feeling. I really tried to tell him couple of years ago how I felt, but as usally he is not in tune with my feeling. He alway makes me feel guilty about things. I always felt like he is a good provider and he deserved to have special time, but sometimes I just wish we want to have the time with me. Oh well I'm just feeling sorry for myself today.   The challenge for this week is to be good while I'm by myself. I know is will go good. I hope to get a lot done.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

New day, new month

Iwill try to walk or peddle every day this month, or at least 5 out of 7 day a week. I did really good yesterday I walk for .8 miles and peddled for 20 minutes. I know that excersise is the only way that I'm going to lose weight.   I got on the scale this morning and the scale was down, but won't get my hopes up till it stays down. I won't believe it till it stay there for a few days. I go to my PCP on Friday. I hope the weight is down and I hope my Hgac1 is good. I really haven't been watching my blood sugar all that close.   I'm in much better spirts than I have been in a while. I made up my mind that I was going to have to fight to lose this weight. The fat is not wanting to go without fighting me. It's not going to win.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

feeling adrift at sea

I'm really feeling adrift with my food. I really don't know what to eat. I so afraid to try bread, salad, and most meats. I'm not a breakfast person, but have been drinking a protien shake, chocolate with pro complex, 340 cal , 15 carbs, 63 grams protien and 2 fat. It just doesn't stay with me. I hungry within couple or three hours. Lunch is a what ever is left over from the night before. Supper is some kind of meat, veggies. I take my pill with pudding after crushing them. I know I getting to many calories, somewhere around 1500. Yet at times food gets stuck and I don't feel so good. I can eat something some times and not at other times. I still not losing any weight. My scales bounce between 277 and 279. I hate my clothes they are not fitting right. They are too big, but the next size is to tight. Part of the problem is my big butt. If it fits the butt its to big in the stomach area. Almost all of the legs are too tight around the calves. My shirts are to big through the shoulders, but tight around the hips. I must be just built weird. I have know idea what I will wear to New York, but guess I had better figure it out. Just have a week till I leave. Can't wear t-shirts to the view, need to get something to wear. Hope I can do all the walking that is involved in being there. I really looking forward to getting away for a few days. I get really tired of worring all the time, don't think I will not worry while I gone , but may it will be better. I really need to figure out my diet. I read last night that some of the people were going to weight watchers, or doing nurti-system. I cant afford nurti-system. I was thinking that maybe I would by some south beach forzen entrees and see if I could get by on them, maybe lunch. Breakfast is just not going down this a.m. Guess I wil fix protien shake, before my grandkids get here.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

What have I done

What in the world is wrong with me. I went to the grocery store this morning and got all the wrong things. I got a piece of pie, ice cream, muffins and a candy bar. Why do I do this??? I know better then this. I really thing sometimes I a crazy as a loon. I did eat a muffin, but thank God it didn't go down well, won't eating any more of those. On the other had the pie went down way to easy, I only ate the filling could of care less about the crust. By the way it was coconut cream my farovite pie. So now I'm beating myself up over doing something so stupid. I guess is was really unhappy that I haven't heard from my DH yet. Maybe he will take time to call tonight. I know he is probably having a ball, but I would like to know that he does think of me once and a while.   I have been busy this week cleaning my scrapebooking room and that is good. I have not slept well the last two nights which I believe doesn't help matter when I'm down. I always turn to food. I need to find something to replace food with. I'm trying to stay busy and keep my hands busy so that I don't turn to food. I must say though I don't eat nearly has much as I use to. If this had been before the band I probably would have comesumed a lot more than just a muffin and a pie filling. By the way that is all that I have ate today. I am not hungry in the least and will just have salad tonight for my supper. I will fix a taco salad with ground beef (97% fat free), lettuce, ranch style beans, tomato, and a small amount of fritos (for crunch) and then dressing(green goddess). I will have extra meat and go light on the dressing. I have been drinking water pretty good this week I need to get more water in everyday.   Oh well guess I will go clean some more. This journal really helps me. I guess it could have been worst. I really don't eat as much as I use to. I will try to go walk a little pretty soon. A cold front to to go through today and tomorrow will only be in the low 80's. Can't wait I will turn off the air and enjoy the fresh air for a few days.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

3-11-08 Another fill

Just back from the doctor. I did another barium swallow, everything fine. I really think the nurse thought I have stretch my pouch, but I hadn't. She then pull all the fluid from my band, low and behold I had just 2.2 cc of fluid. Not much for going and getting a fill every 4 weeks for the the last year. Up till today they put 4.3 cc in the band. That explains why I don't have much restriction. She put the fluid back and gave me another 1 cc. She want to see what I have in there next month, maybe a leak. I hope I don't have a leak, but it would make me fill better. I have been beating myself up for the last seven months or so. I thought I was just not working the band. Sometimes I though I was just crazy, I hope that this works this time. I really want to lose weight.   Last week on Thursday as I was walking into the beauty shop my hip pop or did something funky and now it really hurts to walk. I know the doctors, ortho will not do anything till I lose weight. I joined the Y last week also, so now I just can't walk that good. I'm still thinking of going to the pool, its a warm water pool, but I'm so self conscious about being in a bathing suit. I was hoping the warm water would help with the discomfort.   I hope I do better now. I really want to lose weight. We are to go to Hawaii this fall for our anniversary and I want so much to feel better. I really thought that I would be alot lighter by now. It's been a year on the 3/20/2008 and I've only lost around 30 lbs and I lost that in the first 3 months. I have gain some back but I'm still around 30 lbs. I worry that I made a wrong choice in getting the band, but if its got a leak then maybe I can go forward from here and make a go of it.   Life is not alway fair.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

I've not changed 5-19-08

I've not changed at all. I'm still trying to out smart the band and I still eating all the wrong things. I have not learned to give up all the thing that are bad for me. I still want it all and I know in my head that I can't do that. I start strong in the am, but by mid afternoon or evening I'm lost. I just can't stand the thought of not eating something good. I have trouble eating fruit, and I have to eat meat really slow. I have slowed down how fast I eat, but I let my self get to hungry before I eat. I tend to wait to long to eat and then eat to fast which causes the pb or pain in the chest. I have to try to fight the head hunger thing. I still need to excerise more. I fight excerise all the time. I joined the y in feb, but I have only been a few times. I'm really very self conscious about how I look, but I still continue to do the wrong things. I even went so far as to buy a swim suit for water aerobics, but to scared to put on at the y. I'm tire of what I'm doing. I need to change. I keep trying everyday,so maybe one of these day it will clink in my head. I pray about this daily and I know I will do this one of these days.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

was a quiet day

Today was been a quiet day for me. I did some house cleaning. I have felt a little more restriction today than most days. Maybe it the weather, I don't know how to explain was some days we feel restricted and some days we have know restriction. I just can't eat bread it just doesn't want to go down very good.   Well I still haven't heard from my DH today. He call yesterday evening and I could hardly talk with him I'm mad and hurt that he hadn't called on Sunday nite or Monday nite. I know I'm just being childish, but I want to know that I'm important to him. I always feel like if he calls me in front of his friends that he will think he will look like he's pussy whipped. I really don't like hearing things from other people. Like the time we were at a new years eve party and I was asked why I never came to the fish fries. Well I didn't know that any of the guys wives and girlfriend attend. Of course my husband said he never said anything because he knew that I wouldn't go because I don't like fish. I feel like he really didn'l want me there. I really feel like I probably embaress him. I really never know how to talk to people and I'm so big. He keeps things from me, like when his best friend was messing around with another woman. I heard it from my mother that his best friend was getting a divorce because of his affair. When I asked my husband he said yeah he knew. He did it one other time when our friends husband did the same thing, they didn't get a divorce. That time he said he didn't tell me because he didn't think I could keep my mouth shut. He also did with another set of friends. I to this day he has never told me about that one. I learn about it from his sister-in-law. Is it just a guy thing, thinking that they are protecting each other or what. So I wonder if he has every had an affair. He says he has never cheated on me. I use to trust his every word. The last couple of years has changed that. I am so dumb sometimes. I believe most anything anyone tells me.   Oh well I'm just down tonight, it will be better tomorrow. I just have to keep busy.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

new day, new week

I'm not doing so good. I'm not making good choices. I need to be better, but I can eat anything I want too. No restriction at all. Only problem I have is if I eat to fast. I did eat an egg with low fat bacon bits and some cheese and it seemed to stay with me better. But I did eat some sugar free cookies also. I ate a banana for the 1st time today. Its high in fat, but it was wonderful. I still have a hard time with protien. I must eat protien 1st and stay away from the carbs. I love veggies and will try some salad today. I will make meat loaf it went down easy the other time I tried it. Why do I want to eat all the time. I know I'm not hungry. I need to excerise more. I got some tennis shoes this week end at comfort plus. Really expensive. $183!!!!!! They fit and my foot feels great. First pain of tennis shoes in four years. I have to put them on and wear them for awhile before I leave for New York next week. I really excited about the trip, concerned about all the walking that I will do, I still get really tired really easy. I got to do more. Oh well, got to do laundry and try on clothes to take with me. I have such a strange shape. It has stopped raining for awhile anyway, so that is a plus. Must get busy. Today will be a great day.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

6-16-08

Man am I tired. I have caught all the feral cats outside today. I have two to take to the clinic tomorrow to be fixed and I will pick up the 8 they already have. I'm very excited about having them all fixed, NO MORE BABY KITTENS. I have had these feral cats around for probably 20 years, they come and the go. I just can't take care of them any longer. I found a place here in town that will do the spade and neutering for 15.00 per cat. Thats really not that bad. I really excited. One less thing to worry about in the future. Now if the dude that owns the house next door will get off my back about the cats it will be great. They will all die out in a few years.   I'm not doing to bad with the eating. I really think the last fill has done some good. I know my portion size is way down. Now just to lose some wieght. My goal is 30 lbs by the time we leave for Hawaii on Sept 30. I think I'm on my way. I have to eat smaller bites and slow way down to eat. Some things still don't want to go down well, but I don't miss them so bad. I still have the need to eat something sweet. Had a pretty good weekend. This week has started out great.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

brownies

I'm fighting not to make brownies today. I REALLY REALLY want a brownie.Not the kind you get at the store, but real homemade kind. I just love brownies, thick, rich, chewy, moist brownies. I've got it bad today. Now that I've said that, maybe I can get on with something else. They guy's are here working. They say they will be done tomorrow. Can't believe its almost done. Eight months later and my new screened in porch is almost done. They got the carpet in, and are working on they backyard, which has almost no grass now. It's rained so much we had little rivers in the yard over the weekend. So now we have to paid the piper for this job. I'm getting excited about the trip. I tried on clothes this morning and I can now get into some of my 2X clothes, but they are still a little tight for my liking. I wish I was losing more, before I leave on my trip. I tracked my calories yesterday, was doing fine till we had peanut butter shakes for dessart yesterday evening. I ended up eating 2000 calories yesterday. Thats not acceptable at all. Guess I need to keep better track of everything. It seems like I've not eaten that much. I have had no cookies, pie or cake since March 13. That a really long time for me. No diet Coke either. I have not missed it as much as I thought I would. I do miss my cookies. I love to make, bake and eat cookies. I can even dream of eating cookies, or just food in general. I'm a real food addictive person. My husband has lost more weight than I have and I'm the one with band. I'm doing laundry and need to get it out and fold it and put it away. I hope this has help to get my mind off eating. I not hungry at all just want to eat. I'm crazy about food. How did I get this crazy, where I could eat till I can't hardly stand it, good thing is I have not done that since I got the band. I realize that I have to do this myself.. The band just helps some. I need another fill. It's only a week and half till my next appointment, and next week I will be in New York, so this week and half should fly by. Must get busy and do something.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

wednesday, 5-9-07

Well I made it through with out the brownies yesterday, but I did eat to much last nite. Why is it when you are eating to much and you know it,but you don't stop. Why can't I stop myself. When I get done I feel bad. Why do I want to feel bad. Do I believe down deep somewhere that I don't deserve to be thin. I don't want to be really thin, just would like to be able to wear clothes off the rack say size 12 or 10. Can't remember every wearing size 10. I remember in high school wearing size 14. Just I have always been big, not fat, just big. It caught up with me when I got married. I became less active. I was raised on a farm and I always had to help with the cows and gardening, things like that. After I got married we move to topeka, ks and I lived in town. Started having kids and the weight just came on. I remember going to weight watchers when I only weighted 164 lbs. I thought that was horrible to weight 164, I would love to be that small again. I weighed in today at 279. I want to lose like so many other are on this web site. I guess I will lose slow. I just have accept that, and not get down on myself. I have to figure out what to do in the evening, which is the hardest part for me. That is the time I really can get out of control and mess up the whole day. I have to start each day like its the first day of my diet or may I should say my life style change. I know I'm not eating nearly what I was before the band, so I assumed that I would lose faster. Guess I should just be glad that I have not gained more. If I didn't have the band no telling where I would be now. I could be at 315,320 lbls more by now. Count my blesssings.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

bad week

This past week has just been terrible. Right now I just don't want to diet. I just want to eat. It all started last Wednesday nite when my Husband and I got into a disagreement over the grandkids. He's mad and I don't care, so he's not speaking and I'm not speaking. The least said the better right now. So I'm emotinally eating anything that I can fine. I have gain a couple of lbs and tomorrow is the day I weight at the doctors office and I doubt that I have lost anything again this month. So right now I'm fighting not to eat. I just threw out the cookie dough that I baked into bars yesterday. I did give some to my neighbor and I ate some, the rest is going to the birds. I can't have sweets in the house. I have also ate chips and cheese.   I have to get a hold of my eating. I really do want to lose, but why do I punish myself. I'm not punishing anyone else, but me.   Well tomorrow will tell how bad I have really been. I will do this. I will not punish myself with food. I have to face the music and tomorrow is the day.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

4-17-08

It been six years ago tonight that my daddy died, I really missing him today. Its really been hard since my parents have been gone. Didn't really know how much I loved them. I wish I could just call them up and talk for awhile. Silly but I wish I could have some of their wise words to live by right now.   I'm still at a stand still. I must be the craziest person alive. I don't think I have read where anyone else is not losing, just me. 13 months and just 30lbs and holding. I know I must do better. The doctor gave me a new prescription for pain meds, so maybe that will help with the pain in my knees. I really want to walk and move more, but when I go the the y I come home and can't move much for the next couple of days. Will see if the pills help me. I want to lose this ungodly fat so the knee and joints feel better.   See what tomorrow brings.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Another fill today

Well I went to doctor today and lost only 3 lbs this past month. I have to start keeping tract again. Why do I fight keeping track of what I eat. I just hate measuring and weighting everything I eat. I want to do what normal people do, I want to eat a salad or soup or sandwich and not worry that I'm eating to much. At the rate I'm losing it will take years and years for me to lose all my weight. I have lost 4 lbs in the last 2 months. I have lost a total of 35.8 lbs since banding march 20. In 6 six months that is not very much. I know at least I didn't gain 35.8 lbs. Anyway the add another .5 cc in my band that brings me to 3.5 cc in my 4cc band. I hope I'm not to full. Of course I'm on liquid the next 48 hours. I have read on the threads that some doctors are not doing that now. I will not eat at least till tomorrow nite then just soft foods. Will see how I do with liquids. I had protien shake for lunch today, went down fine, just took me a hour to drink it. I would love to lose 10 lbs this next month. Maybe I should settle for 5 lbs a month and be happy.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Back from the Doctor

Just got back from the doctor. I lost only 3.2 lbs, for a for a total fo 30.6 lbs. I can have only clear liquids today and full liquids tomorrow. I seem only to lose on those two days of the month. I'm going to change what I eat. I'm going to try more protien. I don't really like protien, but will try to eat more.   I'm really discourged, but I really need to accept some to the blame for not losing more. I eat way to many carb and not the correct kind of carbs. I love fruit and veggie and I need to figure out how to eat them with out eating to many. I need to rid myself of my chocolate addiction. I just love chocolate. I gave up diet coke, surely I can give up chocolate. Most sweets don't bother me. I know that I can't have cookies or brownies in my house. If I have them around I'm doomed from the start. I done real good not buying them.   I really ready to go to a smaller size. I'm still wearing the same things. My clothes were so tight and now they are getting loose. Maybe a few more pounds and I will be able to get into something smaller. I really want to change everything in my life. I want to wear really cute clothes. I tried on some 2x clothes this morning, but I didn't like the way my stomach looked in the clothes. It will probably be hanging to my knees by the time I lose all this weight.   I know I will do better. Just disappointed that I didn't do better this month.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

munchies today

I have had the munchies all day long today. I've done pretty good. I've had a bowl of chili, with a 1/4 cup of cheese, a protien bar from south beach, my sugar free pudding for the meds that I crush and a couple handfuls of cinnamon wheat thins. I have drank water, serveral glasses and just switched to crystal light lemonade. Need to get supper fix, having left overs. I still have problems eating chicken. I just doesn't go down very good. I going to eat meatloaf tonight and leave the chicken to my dh.   I have to pack my bags, new york here I came. I'm getting excited about going. Hope all goes well. I going to take a few protien bars and my crystal light with me. I will have to play it by ear on what I will eat there. Breakfast should be no problem.   I have been tracking my foods on fitday.com and I am still getting to many fats and carbs. Fats seem to be in every thing. I will have to work on that when I get back. It is a really good way to see how I'm doing. I have been much better the last couple of day on my calorie count, around 1500 cal a day. I will be happy with that as long as I start to lose. I really need to excerise more. Maybe next week in New York will jump start my walking. I have this deadly fear of dogs and when I go by myself it really worrys me. Need to work on that fear. I not so down on myself today either. I'm going to watch my 2 youngest grandkids tomorrow. That should keep me busy for awhile. I told them only for a couple of hours as I have a lot to do. If I didn't watch them once and while I would never see them and they are so cute. I what my grandkids to remember me some day with fondest, like I do my grandmothers. Oh well its supper time.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

5-21-08

I'm having a ok week, not great,but better than the last couple of weeks. I hope I can keep this going, I really want to lose 30 lbs before we go to Hawaii this fall. I don't think this is an unreasonable goal. I just have to be on my toes and stick with it. I really have to excersise more. I wish I could be one of those people who only eat 600 cal a day. I just don't know how they do it. I have a hard time staying a 1200 cal a day. I feel good if I stay around 1500 cal a day. Oh well I know I can't give up on this, that I have to make it work some how. I have to learn how to resist all the tempatation that out there. I have learned that I can't have Pringles in the house or cookies or most sweets.   I need to learn to let some things go and keep other things. I tend to worry to much about all things and I really do want to control all things. So you would think I could control my eating, but I don't. Its the one thing that I can count on to be good. Most of the time its is good, but there is other times I feel like its not a good as I thought it would be. Just wish I would learn to think of food as not as good as I think it is.   I must repeat this thought to myself at all times. I can do this. Its not that Hard. Food is not that good. I want to feel better. I want to have a life outside of this house. I will not be embrassed at the sight of my own body. I will not feel as if my husband is embrassed at my size. I will not feel as if my family is embrassed at my size. I will do this. I'm smart enough to figure this out. I can do this. I can do this,
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Home again

Got home yesterday. Had a wonderful time in New York. I love going to the View and and Today Show. We went to the View on the 16th and the Today Show on the 15 and 17th. We to two broadway plays. One was Spring Awaken and the other was Curtains. Both have been nomiated for Tony's. Curtains was more my style.   I had a great time, but why am I such a push over. I really had a wonderful time, but I didn't do some of thing I wanted to do. I really wanted to go to some of the Food Network places and some to the famous chefs places. Our hotel room was the room from hell. I didn't know they could make rooms that small in a hotel. Good thing we were not in it that much. My knee hurt a lot, but not as much as my hips. My hip feel as though they are tighten up as I walk then I have to stop and rest. I did get some new tennis shoes and I thing they helped. My feet all hurt, of course the left foot was the worst. It would thingle and go numb some to time. I must have walk a thousand miles.(HA HA)   I didn't lose weight, but I didn't gain weight either. I really want to lose faster. I go for my fill on Monday morning and hope this time it makes a difference. I really tired of not losing. I know my clothes are fitting looser and that helps, but I really haven't even dropped one size yet. I am going to by a dvd that is a walking dvd and hope it helps me start to excersize more. The walking in New York really helped, but my knee is really sore, I hope the walking will help to make my knee stronger.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

really discouraged

Got back from our vacation and guess what I gained about 7 lbs while gone. Its really my fault. I just can't seem to not eat. I'm so tired of trying and trying, but I'm so hungry most of the time. I go for a fill tomorrow, I think I will have them see how much is really in there. They said I have 3.9 cc in my band, I just wonder if there really is that much or maybe I have leak. I feel like I have restriction for a few days after a fill then it seems as if I can eat anything Iwant to eat. I really don't have much restriction. I can eat just about everything. I even ate some bread while we were gone. Thats a first since last March. I have to be really careful and eat is slow and chew chew chew. I've thought about have gastric bypass, but I want to give this another chance.   I guess I really thought this would be easier than it is. I really thought that I would not be hungry. It dosn't take away the hole that I keep trying to fill with food. I guess I need to work on that and figure out why I'm so hungry or think I'm hungry. Sometimes I so discourged that I just don't know what to do.   Well we will see what the have to say tomorrow.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

New Year New Me I think?

Well its been awhile since I've been here on the site. I did a lot of cooking for the holiday and it tells. I have gained about 7 lbs and now I'm on the way down again. I have lost 2 of the 7 lbs. I now have to commit to a new life style and excersise program. I have thought a lot about what I really want and it is to lose at least 50 lbs this year. That's a pound a week. Thats not a lot but over few years that will add up to a lot. I have to have a mental change as well a physical change. I know that I have been way to inactive to lose very much so my commit to excersise has to start with me changing my mind set. I did do a little yesterday. I do wear a pedometer. Yesterday I took only 1995 steps. My new commit is to take at least 2000 steps a day for the next week. I know thats not a lot for an active person, but I'm not active at all. So maybe next week I will commit to additional steps and so on till I get up to 10,000 steps a day by years end or before. This is my promise to myself. I will be more postive this year also and not so down all the time. Now I have to have a mental change as far as food goes. I have to stop doing what is easy. I really do that a lot. I will grab something because I wait to long to eat and then I will go for anything that's not nailed down. I have to do more planning and I need to start with what I will do on a weekly bases. I will do this starting right now. I know that I can't eat a bowl of cereal and be full. I need to fix a bowl of oatmeal and then have a protien shake to sip on for a couple of hours and I will be happier. I have to make changes that I really never wanted to make, but I know that I can do it. I know that is the first of the new year and I will not forget this promises to myself. I don't go back to the doctor again till the 16th. I will try of lose all that I have gained over the holiday. Then we have to talk about if this band has a leak. I do really good for a few days after getting a fill then I'm back to being able to eat anything I want and in almost any amount. Last time I was there the did a swallowing eval and I had not stretch out my pouch. May need to have them take all the water out and see how much is there. I will do this.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

5-22-07

I was watching tv this afternoon, when I realized that the first time anyone told me I was over weight was when I was in high school. My girl friend told me that I should lose a couple of pounds, up until then I had never given my weight a thought. Wish she had kept her mought shut. That was the start of my yoyo diet. I never really have had a good weight lost except when I did the (liquid diet) and that was almost 20 years ago now. I did get down to 170 maybe, can't really remember, I do remember loving to buy the small size jeans and clothes. I was buying size 12, I'll be lucky to wear 16 or 14 this time, with all the loose skin I know is coming. My arms are hanging now and my thighs have rolls of fat on them. I will never be able to have plastic surgery to fix them either. Guess I will alway have to wear long pants and longer sleeves to cover them up. I will excersise and hope that helps.
carol1951

carol1951

1
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