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really discouraged

Got back from our vacation and guess what I gained about 7 lbs while gone. Its really my fault. I just can't seem to not eat. I'm so tired of trying and trying, but I'm so hungry most of the time. I go for a fill tomorrow, I think I will have them see how much is really in there. They said I have 3.9 cc in my band, I just wonder if there really is that much or maybe I have leak. I feel like I have restriction for a few days after a fill then it seems as if I can eat anything Iwant to eat. I really don't have much restriction. I can eat just about everything. I even ate some bread while we were gone. Thats a first since last March. I have to be really careful and eat is slow and chew chew chew. I've thought about have gastric bypass, but I want to give this another chance.   I guess I really thought this would be easier than it is. I really thought that I would not be hungry. It dosn't take away the hole that I keep trying to fill with food. I guess I need to work on that and figure out why I'm so hungry or think I'm hungry. Sometimes I so discourged that I just don't know what to do.   Well we will see what the have to say tomorrow.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Not the easy to be thin

THIS IS THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVERYDONE IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!   Don't every let anyone think that this is the easy way to go. This is hard!! All the bad things go done so easy and all the good thing take time to chew and go down. This is a tool that need constant attention. You can't let you guard down for a minute. I know I'm not eating nearly what I did before the band, but those old habits just want to keep coming back.   I have trouble in the mornings, I'm just not hungry. So I have been trying to eat a protien bar and drink some water. Lunch is not much better, I really don't get hungry till around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. Then IT starts to sneek back up on you. The snack attack happens, 1st I just have some cheese to tide me over till its supper time, THEN the candy or cookie monster takes over trying to steel your brain. The candy, cookie and even ice cream call you name and gentle whispers in your ear EAT ME, EAT ME, EAT ME. Its like a horror movie that is in your brain. That gentle lover wants to take over your body and never let you out, YOU MUST BE STRONG. NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU SWEAT, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN TO THE OTHERSIDE, RESIST THE DARK SIDE. IT JUST WANTS TO MAKE A FOOL OF YOU EVERDAY OF YOUR LIFE. NOW IS THE TIME TO WIN THE BATTLE, THE BATTLE FOR YOU LIFE AND ITS JUST BEGAN.     STAY STRONG AND FIND OTHER THINGS TO DO!!!!!!
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

not sleeping tonite

Just went to bed at 10:30, but by 12:00 was up again. I'm having some pain in my right thigh and leg when I lay down(don't know what thats all about). Just took some advil PM. just hoping it make me sleepy. This is the 12th day post-op. Not having any pain, not really too hungry yet, haven't even miss my diet coke that I have been hooked on for years. Hope this doesn't past. I have been surprised that my husband has been so supportive of me so far, but fear he will get tire of me not cooking any more. Food has been one the most important things for us.   I went to my check up this week and all was fine I had lost 14.7 lbs since my pre-op vist. My pre-op weight was 301!!!!! Thats my highest ever weight. Want to get down to 140-150 lbs. I can't even imagine what that would be like. I don't remember being that small since high school, many, many moons ago.   I just want to be able to excerise, climb stairs, walk, play with my grandkids without getting sob. I want to buy clothes in regalur department. I'm excited about this new journey that I have began. I know its a long road but I'm trying to be postive.
carol1951

carol1951

3
 

not feeling great today

It started last nite, this terrible burning in my stomach. I have been off my priolsec for a week. I went out this morning and got me some more. I hope that is the only reason my stomach is upset. I haven't ate much today 1 banana, a slice of pizza with chichen on it, and fruit smoothie. I need to get some protien in just not really feeling like eating. Oh well hope tomorrow is better. Three of my older grandkids wanted to come over and spend the afternoon with me. I really enjoyed having them, they are so much fun. I oldest granddaughter turn 14 yesterday, I just cant believe it. Where does the time go.   Speaking of time, why is it when you are dieting time slows to a snails pace. Looking back if I had just learned to eat the way I should have I wouldn't be doing this now. I hope you can teach a old dog a few new tricks.   Well off to find some protien, hope my stomach get settled down.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Not a good week

This week has really sucked. I have really really been bad, I have over ate at most meals. Sunday was the worst day for eating I have had since I started this journey. I just grazed all day, on anything that would stand still. Yesterday was really not bad, but I was sitting and sewing all day. I lost a screw out of my pedometer and I can't track my walking right now, it was what held the clip on. I still know that I didn't walk enought yesterday. I did get all my quilt blocks done and now I need to put them together. I will have to find time to go back to my sisters to do that.   I need to start tracking my food intake again and my fix my pedometer. I really miss the pedometer it was like a game to see if I would walk more then the day before. Some days I walk a lot and some day I don't walk very much at all. I have gained this week,so I have to get my head back in the game. I not ready to stop losing yet. I do feel a lot better and I have only lost 36 lbs, so I need to get with the program and lose lose lose.   I know I can do this. I know that I will feel every better. I know that I will look a lot better. I know I will like the way I look a better. I know I will feel more normal. I know I will like myself better if I'm sucessful. I know that I can do this all by myself. I know that I'm alone in this journey, no one can do it for me. This is the path I have choosen for myself. This is the right path for me. I know that I will have bad days and I know I will have good days. I know I will question everything and anything that I do everyday. I know that it will take time to suceed in this journey. I know there will be day that I get discourged and I must just ride the wave that day. I know that I weight myself way to much. I know that I put way to much weight on what the scale says. I know I will do this.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

not a bad weekend

I had a really pretty good weekend concerning I was at my sisters and we had lots of food. I was only up a couple of ounces this morning on the scales.   Cheryl really looks bad, she has really had a ruff time of it this spring and summer. She has lost a lot of weight and she was not that big to begin with. Her skin just hangs on her and looks almost anorexic. She cant eat any wheat now and has to real careful of her diet. She had a bad case of diverticulitis. My aunt told her next time to go to the city and not mess around with any small town doctors. My aunt is a doctor. I'm worried about her. She has no energy and is tired all the time.   I really enjoyed seeing my Aunt and my nieces. We had a good time and I feel pretty good about what I ate. I did have a couple of sweets, but not near what I would have eaten a year ago. I know that this weight will come off. I have to get in gear and start exercising. I know that I will when I make up my mind to do it. I am fighting it right now and I really dont know why. I have to walk, I can't afford to join a gym right now. I hope it will cool down in the next month and maybe I will get started. My aunt thinks I should find a water exercise class, but I can't even think of putting this hugh body into a swim suit. I need to get over that too. Oh well have to much to do need to get going. At least I moving a lot more than I was. I'm way to senitive about how I look. I make myself sick and I can't imagine what anyone else would think. I know I shouldn't worry what others think, but I just don't like the way I look in most clothes, and how could anyone else stand to look at me. My husband doesn't even look at me why would anyone want to look at me either. I will get better has the weight comes off. How could I have been so blind in the past not to notice how terrible I looked. Noone even my husband or kids said anything to me. :omg:
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

No fill this month

Went to the doctor on Tuesday and we decide not to do a fill for this month, as I do have some restriction and I'm leaving on vacation next week. Will be gone for two weeks and then I will go back on the 12th and see how I'm doing. Not losing but not gaining either. If I could jusl lose this sweet tooth that I have. I really crave sweets. I do pretty good with everything else. Just can't seem to leave them alone. I don't buy cookies any more, now I need not to make them anymore. I will send the rest of what I made on Tuesday home with my granddaughter today. I'm really trying hard to get all my water in and eating the right things. I wish my husband was more in to eating right. I wish he would eat more salad and stuff. He usually wants just meat and potatoes. Oh well I can't use him for an excuse. He eats pretty much what I put on the table. Oh well today is going ok will do much better tomorrow. My ped account this past week was pretty good for me. Everyday I made it over 2,000 steps each day. Now my next goal is to increase my steps by at least 100 to 200 more steps each day. I walk in plase some times just to get some steps in. Life isn't always fair.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

New Year New Me I think?

Well its been awhile since I've been here on the site. I did a lot of cooking for the holiday and it tells. I have gained about 7 lbs and now I'm on the way down again. I have lost 2 of the 7 lbs. I now have to commit to a new life style and excersise program. I have thought a lot about what I really want and it is to lose at least 50 lbs this year. That's a pound a week. Thats not a lot but over few years that will add up to a lot. I have to have a mental change as well a physical change. I know that I have been way to inactive to lose very much so my commit to excersise has to start with me changing my mind set. I did do a little yesterday. I do wear a pedometer. Yesterday I took only 1995 steps. My new commit is to take at least 2000 steps a day for the next week. I know thats not a lot for an active person, but I'm not active at all. So maybe next week I will commit to additional steps and so on till I get up to 10,000 steps a day by years end or before. This is my promise to myself. I will be more postive this year also and not so down all the time. Now I have to have a mental change as far as food goes. I have to stop doing what is easy. I really do that a lot. I will grab something because I wait to long to eat and then I will go for anything that's not nailed down. I have to do more planning and I need to start with what I will do on a weekly bases. I will do this starting right now. I know that I can't eat a bowl of cereal and be full. I need to fix a bowl of oatmeal and then have a protien shake to sip on for a couple of hours and I will be happier. I have to make changes that I really never wanted to make, but I know that I can do it. I know that is the first of the new year and I will not forget this promises to myself. I don't go back to the doctor again till the 16th. I will try of lose all that I have gained over the holiday. Then we have to talk about if this band has a leak. I do really good for a few days after getting a fill then I'm back to being able to eat anything I want and in almost any amount. Last time I was there the did a swallowing eval and I had not stretch out my pouch. May need to have them take all the water out and see how much is there. I will do this.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

new week, new day

I think I have given up on trying to keep track of everything I eat on fitday.com. I find it hard to track some of the stuff I still eat. Like casseroles, mixed salad ( not lettuce stuff). I have troulbe finding some things also. I think sometimes I get to focused on what I'm eating and trying track it on fitday. I have had a pretty good weekend. I go for another fill tomorrow and hope the scale drops some. I would love to lose 1lb a week, but I don't think I've done that. I know that my clothes are getting bigger, but not to big yet. I really thought I would hit a size smaller, but not really there yet ( very close).   Its really hot here and I have not started walking outside yet, but I still useing my little pedals and I have up it to 20 minutes at a time. I hope to make to 30 minutes by the end of this week. I want to walk as soon as it get cooler and maybe I can walk for 30 minutes. I know that the pedals are easier than walking, but it still movement. I averaged 2884 steps per day last week and I want to increase that to 3000 per day on average this week. I really think moving will up my weight lost. I need to get over the fear of a gym, but not yet. I still feel like I'm to big to go to a gym. Besides being retired I can't really afford on right now, maybe in a year. I hope I can get my DH to go with me at that time. I can do some tapes and things like that at home. Maybe I will try one of channels on tv that has excerise on it.   I'm feeling very hopeful this will be a good week. I get to go scrapbooking this next weekend. I know that will be a challenge, has I will not be home. I'm trying to plan ahead. My sister and niece are coming on thursday and will return to their homes on friday. We are planning on eating out at least twice. Shouldn't be to hard to eat at the places we are talking about going to.   I CAN DO THIS. I WILL BE THINNER IN THE DAYS AND MONTHS AND YEARS TO COME. I WILL BE HEALTHIER AND HAPPY.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

new week

It's Monday morning and I'm feeling great. It's 13 days post-op and I just now feeling hungry for the first time. I woke up that way this morning. I ate oatmeal and yogurt for breakfast, feel as if I could get a horse. I have to decide what to eat for lunch. I liked it better when I had only to get something liquid, limited choices seem to make my decision power much better. It looks like my weight is down again to about 283. Yeah.   Need to get busy and do something to keep my mind busy and my hands busy. I also have to start walking, but my b/p has been low. I keep telling my that that is just a excuse, but I do get very dizzy. I think I will go through my closet and take out winter clothes and put the up for now. I will then have to decie what to do with them. Some are really good thing that will need to be sold or put on ebay. Guess I need to get busy for now.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

new day, new week

I'm not doing so good. I'm not making good choices. I need to be better, but I can eat anything I want too. No restriction at all. Only problem I have is if I eat to fast. I did eat an egg with low fat bacon bits and some cheese and it seemed to stay with me better. But I did eat some sugar free cookies also. I ate a banana for the 1st time today. Its high in fat, but it was wonderful. I still have a hard time with protien. I must eat protien 1st and stay away from the carbs. I love veggies and will try some salad today. I will make meat loaf it went down easy the other time I tried it. Why do I want to eat all the time. I know I'm not hungry. I need to excerise more. I got some tennis shoes this week end at comfort plus. Really expensive. $183!!!!!! They fit and my foot feels great. First pain of tennis shoes in four years. I have to put them on and wear them for awhile before I leave for New York next week. I really excited about the trip, concerned about all the walking that I will do, I still get really tired really easy. I got to do more. Oh well, got to do laundry and try on clothes to take with me. I have such a strange shape. It has stopped raining for awhile anyway, so that is a plus. Must get busy. Today will be a great day.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

New day, new month

Iwill try to walk or peddle every day this month, or at least 5 out of 7 day a week. I did really good yesterday I walk for .8 miles and peddled for 20 minutes. I know that excersise is the only way that I'm going to lose weight.   I got on the scale this morning and the scale was down, but won't get my hopes up till it stays down. I won't believe it till it stay there for a few days. I go to my PCP on Friday. I hope the weight is down and I hope my Hgac1 is good. I really haven't been watching my blood sugar all that close.   I'm in much better spirts than I have been in a while. I made up my mind that I was going to have to fight to lose this weight. The fat is not wanting to go without fighting me. It's not going to win.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

must keep busy

Yesterday was Easter, it was the first day that I was really down. I hate the holidays. My family is so fractured and we don't do things together any more. I just hate it. I wish that my dh would not be so rigid when it come to our children. I wish he could forgive. Sometimes it worrys me that he's that way. There is always that what if that I live with, what if I don't do want he wants, what if I disappoint him. I hate what ifs.. I really wanted to eat something yesterday. I didn't.   I'm eating about 1200 to 1500 calories a day. Need to get the calorie count down to 1000 a day. Maybe it will be easier when I get my first fill on the 25th. I have to start walking, but its been so cold out side. I suppose to warm up this week. I'm trying to be more active around the house also. I just want this weight gone, now.   Things will be better.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

munchies today

I have had the munchies all day long today. I've done pretty good. I've had a bowl of chili, with a 1/4 cup of cheese, a protien bar from south beach, my sugar free pudding for the meds that I crush and a couple handfuls of cinnamon wheat thins. I have drank water, serveral glasses and just switched to crystal light lemonade. Need to get supper fix, having left overs. I still have problems eating chicken. I just doesn't go down very good. I going to eat meatloaf tonight and leave the chicken to my dh.   I have to pack my bags, new york here I came. I'm getting excited about going. Hope all goes well. I going to take a few protien bars and my crystal light with me. I will have to play it by ear on what I will eat there. Breakfast should be no problem.   I have been tracking my foods on fitday.com and I am still getting to many fats and carbs. Fats seem to be in every thing. I will have to work on that when I get back. It is a really good way to see how I'm doing. I have been much better the last couple of day on my calorie count, around 1500 cal a day. I will be happy with that as long as I start to lose. I really need to excerise more. Maybe next week in New York will jump start my walking. I have this deadly fear of dogs and when I go by myself it really worrys me. Need to work on that fear. I not so down on myself today either. I'm going to watch my 2 youngest grandkids tomorrow. That should keep me busy for awhile. I told them only for a couple of hours as I have a lot to do. If I didn't watch them once and while I would never see them and they are so cute. I what my grandkids to remember me some day with fondest, like I do my grandmothers. Oh well its supper time.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

monday, april 16, 2007

Had a good weekend. We had some snow in the area Friday nite into Saturday morning. Yesterday the sun was out.:clap2: They say it will be about 73 today I hope so, I need sunshine to function correctly. I was a hungry this weekend, but made it through ok. I'm not losing much right now. I seem to be able to eat almost anything, but have stuck to the diet for the most part. I would love to have some pizza and tacos, but if I give in to that craving I might fine out it to easy to eat all the wrong things. I have my 1st fill next week. I see online that most say to fast for a couple hours before, but I didn't get any info on that. So I will take advice of the blogger out there and fast for a while. Really nervous about the fill. Just don't know what will happen. I tried shrimp this weekend and it was fine, just had to chew more than some foods. I still have some trouble with chicken, but not bad. Still need to slow down, between bites. I have done a lot of cheese, cottage cheese, and yogurt. I have some different protien powders, but have not found one the is totally great. I miss my glocosamine, chondrotin. My right knee keeps me awake at nite. I fine myself waking up moaning. It gets very stiff and it really hurts to move it. I have tried a liquid glocsamine chondrotin, but it really is nasty. I will try crushing the pill again, it just it is a lot of pill powder to get down. Today will be a great day for weight loss and walking. I must walk today!!!!!!!
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

maybe some restriction now

I'm feeling like I have some restriction now. Still having problems with my b/p. It seems like it goes down after I eat. I know when its to low I have some little black spots showup in my vision and sometimes I feel weak and dizzy. Everytime I'm at the doctor its just fine, but of course I haven't just eaten. Now this morning its 80/44 and I haven't eaten. I think I need to get a new b/p machine, but if its not reading me correctly, then what is my DH b/p. His is alway normal right after mine is so low. So far I'm getting along ok, but I do think it has a lot to do with my energy level.   So far since my fill on monday I have lost few pound, I hope this is a pernament lost. I ate yesterday for the 1 st time since monday and I did notice the feeling of being fuller quicker. I hope this is a good sign, because I would like to have a sweet spot and not need another fill for a couple of months. I have to pay for my own fills now. Insurance was only good through the month of June.   I believe my clothes are starting to get to big, will be excited to get in to something smaller. I'm still wearing all my same things. I probably could get in to something smaller, but I just hate tight clothes. My clothes were so tight right before my surgery that I was trying to find bigger clothes on the internet. Thank God I didn't buy anything. I'm tired of all the old clothes that I'm wearing, but will stay with them for a little longer. Maybe by fall I will need clothes a couple of sizes smaller. I hope I will be in 22 or 20. I started out in size 26-28. I will keep my fingers crossed.   Watched the some of the grandkids yesterday and I just love to have them around, but the do wear me out really really quick.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Maybe I just don't want it bad enough

I don't know if I don't want to lose weight or if I'm scared to lose weight, but I just keeping shooting myself in the foot all the time. I eat all the wrong foods most of the time. I know I shouldn't eat it, but I do it anyway. Breakfast is still just a protien shake if its early it just doesn't want to go down. Then around 10 or 11 I eat chips, crackers or cheese. Then when its lunch time I skip it or I'm to full from all the junk that I don't eat. Then around 3 I'm hungry and can't hardly stand it, so I eat something easy like chip, crackers or cheese. I really don't eat many sweets cause I know I can't keep them in the house. I do crave chocolate. My DH is not a sweet person so thats why I have the chips and crackers. I don't usually, in the past, eat ice cream although here lately I can't seem to get enough of it. I guess I'm going to have to not buy that either. I'm lost on what to eat for lunch. I can't eat bread it just doesn't want to go down. I do eat salad some, I've done tuna or chichen salad some, soup alot. I have trouble with chicken and some beef. I think I'm not chewing my food good enough and if I'm too hungry I eat to fast so I need to slow down and eat slower. I really did do good in Texas, but maybe that was because I didn't have to cook or think about it. I was moving more while I was gone. I really need to excerise more, walking is good. I need to find some excerises that don't require me to get down on the floor. I have a really hard time getting up off the floor with my bad knee. I need to work on my stomach it is getting floppy and my butt is sagging. I still am wearing my 3x's and I have lost 35 lbs. I really want to go down in the sizes, but I have this big butt and stomach. My arms are flopping in the wind so need to get some excerise the will tighten them up. I NEED HELP. I WILL DO THIS IF TAKE ME YEARS. I KNOW I HAVE TO PUT MORE EFFORT IN TO IT. NO ONE BUT ME CAN DO THIS. I HAVE TO STOP BUYING THING THAT I KNOW I CAN EAT THAT ARE NOT GOOD FOR ME. I NEED TO GET AN ANOTHER FILL AND HOPE THAT THE AMOUNT THAT I CAN EAT GOES DOWN TO 1/2 CUP AMOUNTS. I MUST KEEP MYSELF BUSY, IF I'M BUSY I DON'T EVEN THINK OF FOOD. THE MORE I DO THE MORE I WILL BE ABLE TO DO. THE MORE I EXCERISE THE STRONGER I WILL GET. I CAN DO THIS.   I feel so alone in this struggle. I need to find a good support group that is close to home, wonder how to find a group. I need to find some friends that understand my struggle.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Major melt down on Friday

I really am sad about my dd Susie. I cried and yelled Friday at no one. She really feels that I should pay for her car that she said she should pay for. Its been three years and she still can't make a payment. She know that I don't believe that her husband can't find a job. She has been working two and sometimes three jobs to make ends meet. Why would she do that? I just don't understand. She has taken on all her husbands problems and child plus her own 4 kids. Why does she think I should use all my retirement money. I know I will never see it back. We got the car in my DH name so that she could have something to drive that safe for the kids. Then she got pg and her husband, then boyfriend left her with no job and pg. Then as soon as she had her another job after the baby was born, he was back again. Never mind he was living with another woman while she as having a baby. She thinks I'm not giving him a chance. I don't trust him. I gave her money for the down payment or closing cost on her house. I then had to pay off the landlord from her rental, because he decide to hold her to the lease, which he didn't tell her about till after she had moveout. Oh well I'm just really hurt by all this. I don't know how to handle it either. I guess I will have to find a job. It won't be in the nursing field either. I just can't go back to nursing and My knees are so bad I don't know how long I can stand to stand. Guess I will just have to figure it out.   I didn't do to bad with the eating Friday just a couple of no bake peanut butter cookies and a piece of cake. If this had been before the band I probably would have eaten my weight in food. I really do try to listen to my band. I need to find a name for my band.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

lot going on this weekend

I trying to get stuff ready for a garage sale at Dana's tomorrow. I have stuff in the van, but DH won't be home till late, so can't get stuff for the truck till later.   I weight again this am down to 268.2 this morning. Here goes the yo-yo between to numbers. I did do better yesterday with my drinking. Of course that included a protien shake that I had for lunch. I still am able to eat a lot. I worry that I have stretched out my pouch. I'm eating around 2-3 cups of food at a time. I do pretty good between meals. I don't snack very often. Not like I use to, which was pretty much all day long. It was just one long meal from time I got up till I went to bed. I now go 2-3 hours at time and some times I don't even think about eating. Thats amazing to me because I have thought so much about food all my life that even a couple of hours without a food thought is a miricle in its self.   I still can't trust that I will ever be thin or thinner then I am now. Its be so long I don't even remember being thin any more. I think I need to change my thinking. I get really discouraged because I can't believe that this will work for me. Nothing has ever worked for me, so why would this. This thinking is very distructive, because if I get just a down then I just want to throw in the towel and eat whatever is available. I'm trying not to buy things that will be easy to grab and eat. Thats what I like to do, is grab and eat. I had a very hard time this morning trying to decide what to eat for breakfast. 1st I wanted something very easy to grab and eat. 2nd I don't care for breakfast foods. 3rd I don't want to take the time to cook something.   Will I every learn to be a normal person :faint:
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

Long Night

Took a nap yesterday, should have known better. I can't sleep tonight. Sometimes I feel as if I have the RLS that you see on TV. I just couldn't lay still tonight. So here I am sitting up eating all the wrong things. Good thing there is not much in the house. I thought about buying cookie when I was at the store on Friday, but I didn't knowing I would probably have a night just like this. I can't have cookies around. I love COOKIES. So I have eaten some cheese cubes and a twinkie. The twinkie was terrible, I didn't really enjoy it at all. I also have some cottage cheese salad. Guess it could be worse.     I'm still can't wrap my mind around the fact that some day I might actually be smaller. I'm not saying thin, because I don't believe that will every happen. I just want to feel better, not sluggish all the time. I would like to be a size 14 or size 12. I will never be a smaller size, cause there is going to be too much excess skin. Still it seems a dream that will never come true.   I didn't do much this weekend. It was really a very quite few days. Hope this is a good week. I need to log on to fitday and chart my food intake, I couldn't seem to get fitday to work the other day and so I just haven't been back. Something to do tomorrow. Sleep is getting near I hope. The morning will come soon enough.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

lonely

I'm feeling very alone today. Why don't I make the correct choices. I know exactly what I should do, but then turn around and do the wrong thing. Is it just human nature or I'm I just try to defeat myself. I had my second fill the other day and I'm eating today, but I want to eat all the wrong thing today. I want to eat pizza, I know that some say that we don't just eat to be eating. I love food. I love pizza, it has nothing to do with feeling bad, or hating myself. I know sometimes it is because I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm happy or anyother emotional thing, but sometimes its just because I love that food. What I need to do is control what I eat. Eat only one piece of pizza not three or four. Since I have been banded I have eat pizza, mostly I eat the toppings and not the crust. I have not eaten bread and love bread when it hot and butter. I have not had a sandwich, I have not had a diet coke. I'm not sure why we are not to drink diet coke, but I haven't. Sure am getting tired of water. I don't like to drink a lot of anything and I know that's a problem. It also a problem when the till you not to drink one hour before and one hour after. Then add your eating time in and that is a big chunk out of your day, more than 6 hours that you can't drink, which only leaves about 9 hours or less to drink all that water. I need to excerise more, but my knee really does hurt. I have try to increase what I'm doing daily and need to add a short walk to my daily routine. Can't go to far or the knee hurts and the hip hurts. I hope that gets better as I lose weight. Time will tell if it helps or if I have to go to the doctor again to see about them. The last doctor told me that I need to lose weight. The knees are gone, but not bad enough to replace, can't imagine what the have to be like to have them fixed. I need to expend more calories then I take in. That is the formula for losing weight.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

Lazy?

I have decide that I'm just lazy. Its really really hard work to lose weight and I guess I just don't want to do that kind of work. I can't eat chicken and have not for two years that goes for bread also. I have toyed with joining weight watchers again, but because I can't eat most meat I'm not sure what I would eat. I think that is part of my problem. I don't know what to eat, since most meat just doesn't want to go down.   I need to make an appointment with the doctor and see how things look. I know I havn't lost a thing in a year and I know that is part of the reason I havn't been back to the doctor.   Anyway I have decide that I'm just lazy in all things. I think I need a brain makeover so that I would start to think in a more postive way. Maybe I'm just depressed. Oh well tomorrow is a new day and things will look up, I hope.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Just want to lose

I just want to lose weight. I'm so discouraged. I haven't really lost anything in two months. I weight myself everyday. I can't seem to leave scale alone for more than a day. Six weeks ago when I went in for a fill I had lost 4lbs in a month. Then two weeks ago when I went for my fill I had lost only 1 lb in a month. I just want to lose. I have start excerising and I try to count calories. I know that I don't eat as much as I use to, but I'm not losing. I really thought this was the way to go, but guess I will never be thin or smaller. I haven't even changed sizes yet, still wearing 3X. I have lost 31 lbs. I told myself that I would be happy if I lost anything at all, but that was a lie to myself. I want to lose. I want to be a normal size. I want to feel good. I do feel some better, my knee doesn't hurt nearly as much. I want to get off some the drugs I have been on for years. I want to travel and not have to feel out of place on airplanes. I want to walk in a store, or anyplace I go without people staring at me. I WANT TO BE NORMAL.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

just not doing well 11-6-07

I'm not doing so good. I'm not following the diet at all. I know what I should be doing, but I just can't seem to get with the program. My weight is up at this time. I need to slow down and rethink what I'm doing. I do want to lose. I do want to feel better. I know that this last week I've not felt very good. I know it is because I'm not doing what I should be doing. I will try to do better tomorrow. I just have to do this. This is the hardest part of the year with the holiday and all. I have to keep busy and not let thing get to me. I will do this.
carol1951

carol1951

5
 

Just another day

I so sad today. I have to ask my daughter for the car she is driving. She got it three years ago and said she would pay for it. She hasn't made a payment yet. I just can't pay for it anymore. I don't know why she doesn't at least give me some money. I could work with that. I told her to at least give me some money weekly. I know she has 4 kids and husband that can't or won't work. I know without the car she can't get to work. I told her that the house payment and the car payment are the 1st thing you pay each month. Without the car she can't get to work. I didn't want the grandkids riding around in a piece of junk. We signed for this car when she was getting a divorce, and she is remarried to a bum. I can't believe she puts up with all his excuses about find a job. She can't even buy a car because he has ruined her credit. I just don't know what to do. I love her, but I can't keep bailing her out of messes. She is 31 years old. She has just taken on her husbands child whos mother decided that she didn't want the child anymore. She has 5 kids in that small house, which I help her buy. I just don't know what to do. If her father my DH finds out that I'm still helping her He will be so mad at me. I'm such a mess. No wonder I can't seem to diet very good. So much stress. So much anger. So much hunger.
carol1951

carol1951

3
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