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10-1-07

Can't believe that its October already, seem like it was just July yesterday. I haven't lost anymore weight, but I have no one to blamel, but myself. I really need to get a move on. I don't eat as much, but still can:faint: eat the wrong things. The wrong things go down way to easy. I have had a couple of pb's this past week and it seem if I eat to fast that's when it happens. I hope I'm getting closer on my fills. I have 3.5 cc in my 4cc band, but I not anywhere close to just eat 1/2 cup at a time. I may have stretched my pouch out. I just don't know. I just have no will power. I just eat when I'm sad, happy, hungry, not hungry. I can eat anytime, anywhere. I just don't understand what is wrong with me. I know I want this,but I guess I just don't want it bad enought to give up everything. I don't buy cookies anymore, I havn't had a diet coke, or bread since 3-19-2007. I can still eat ice cream, chips, cant eat muffins, can eat cake, can't eat pizza crust, can eat the topping off of pizza. I'm trying to peddle everyday, but today my knee is really sore. I need to join the Y, but I limited on money right now. So guess I'm just having a pitty party today. I have felt really weepy all day and really don't know why. Hope tomorrow is a better day than today.:faint::faint:
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

just not doing well 11-6-07

I'm not doing so good. I'm not following the diet at all. I know what I should be doing, but I just can't seem to get with the program. My weight is up at this time. I need to slow down and rethink what I'm doing. I do want to lose. I do want to feel better. I know that this last week I've not felt very good. I know it is because I'm not doing what I should be doing. I will try to do better tomorrow. I just have to do this. This is the hardest part of the year with the holiday and all. I have to keep busy and not let thing get to me. I will do this.
carol1951

carol1951

5
 

3-31-08

I didn't weight this morning so have any idea how I'm doing. I know that I'm feeling fuller now, but I still make the wrong choices at times other times I do better. My knee is much better than last Monday, but still can't walk on it very long. I can't decide rather to go to the "Y" or not today. I know I can't walk very far, but any movement would be better than none. I'm thinking of joining weight watchers again. I have to get this under control. I go back to the doctor next week, I think and I haven't lost a single pound. We will see if there is still 3 cc in my band or if it has a leak. Not sure I really want to know, because I don't know if I want to go through surgery again. I need to know if there is anything we can do beside surgery. I keep wondering if I'm the only one in this world that is going through this. I surely not the only one that has trouble making good decisions. I have decided that as soon as my knee feels better I going to find myself a part time job. Maybe if I'm working part time I will not have so much time to feel sorry for myself. Will see if my knee gets better or not. I haven't been to the doctor yet, but I know what they will say, "You need to lose weight before we do anything." Of course I know they are right, but bad knees do run in this family. My grandmother had knee problems and my dad had both of his knees replaced, and my brother has had one done and is doing the other one this coming fall. My sister has problems with her knee since she was a kid. She was told she had water on her knee then and they still hurt her, but she refuses to go to the doctor for hers. Yes my brother and sister are not overweight as I'm, in fact my sister is very skinny sometimes I worry about her eating. Oh well enough for today, I will have a good day. I will stick to some kind of program today. I know its one day at a time.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

3-24-08

I'm not losing and its all my fault. I just can't seem to leave food alone. I need to track what I'm eating. I really don't think I'm eating that much, but I don't eat the right things. Way to much easy stuff. To many chips and sweets, I do try to eat more the good stuff. My breakfast is either a protien shake or weight control oatmeal, but then I alway follow that with something not so good for me, like pudding, or cheese. I really love cheese and it doesn't love me. I have never been able to lose weight when I eat cheese. I may start going back to weight watchers. I have alway been able to lose with weight watchers. I still think I may need a shrink that deals with people that have eating disorders. I just don't know if I can afford a shrink. I hurt my knee again on Saturday. I was out in the yard picking up sticks and when I got back in the house I could hardly walk. It hurt soooo bad. Its a little better today. I should go to the doctor, but they will just tell me that they can't do anything till I lose weight. I have to lose this weight. I'm so tire of feel so bad. Why can't I do this, its been a year since I got the band and I really thought this would do the trick, but no not for me. I feel so stupid. Why can't I do this. What am I so afraid of that I can't let food go? Why am I punshing my self with food? Why do I love food so much? It doesn't love me, in fact it hates me, just like everyone else in my life. I really need some good support, but people just don't like me. What do I do that turns people off? I know I can't talk with people I never learned how to talk with people. I feel so helpless. I really need help, I need someone to talk with. I always feel like everyone is judging me. I just don't measure up.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

3-11-08 Another fill

Just back from the doctor. I did another barium swallow, everything fine. I really think the nurse thought I have stretch my pouch, but I hadn't. She then pull all the fluid from my band, low and behold I had just 2.2 cc of fluid. Not much for going and getting a fill every 4 weeks for the the last year. Up till today they put 4.3 cc in the band. That explains why I don't have much restriction. She put the fluid back and gave me another 1 cc. She want to see what I have in there next month, maybe a leak. I hope I don't have a leak, but it would make me fill better. I have been beating myself up for the last seven months or so. I thought I was just not working the band. Sometimes I though I was just crazy, I hope that this works this time. I really want to lose weight.   Last week on Thursday as I was walking into the beauty shop my hip pop or did something funky and now it really hurts to walk. I know the doctors, ortho will not do anything till I lose weight. I joined the Y last week also, so now I just can't walk that good. I'm still thinking of going to the pool, its a warm water pool, but I'm so self conscious about being in a bathing suit. I was hoping the warm water would help with the discomfort.   I hope I do better now. I really want to lose weight. We are to go to Hawaii this fall for our anniversary and I want so much to feel better. I really thought that I would be alot lighter by now. It's been a year on the 3/20/2008 and I've only lost around 30 lbs and I lost that in the first 3 months. I have gain some back but I'm still around 30 lbs. I worry that I made a wrong choice in getting the band, but if its got a leak then maybe I can go forward from here and make a go of it.   Life is not alway fair.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

2-28-08

So far I'm doing better this week, but I feel I'm doing it all by myself. I still don't feel alot restriction from the band. I can still eat 2 cups at least at a meal. I have tried to stick to 1 cup at a meal but I get really hungry in about 1 to 2 hours. My stomach makes really horrible noises also. Today after my protien shake for breakfast I went shopping and didn't feel very good. Thought I would just past out before I got home. I was so hungry. I'm keeping track of what I eat this week on thedinnerplate.com, I'm trying to stay with in their calorie count to lose 2lbs a week. Will see if this works. I still think the doctor need to see if there is a leak in my band. After all I'm suppose to have 4.2 cc in my band. I would think it would have some effect on what I eat and how I feel when I eat. I really what this weight gone, so I guess for now I will have to do it on my own. If I'm going to do it on my own I wonder why I need this band. Oh well I have lost some and I have kept it off for a year, its just not as much as I wanted. I see other losing over 100 lbs in the same time and its really discourging to know that I have lost only around 30lbs. I want to feel better. My knees are killing me and I have so much trouble walking. I'm so stiff when I get up,you would think I was eighty. I did join the YMCA yesterday. I have to wait for them to call me as soon as the get the ok from my doctor to start working out. I hope that walking on a track will do me some good, as soon as I lose some more I will start to add to my excerise routine. Oh well time to go to bed. My stomach kinda upset tonight, it does that sometimes when I take my night meds.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

2-26-08

Really really discourged today. I've gain yet again. I have to get this under control. I really don't feel any restriction. I know I'm suppose to have 4.2 cc in my 4.0 cc band. I really don't believe it. I think there is a leak. They want me to have only 1 cup at a time, but I'm not filled up with only one cup. I just don't know what to do. I got this band thinking it would help me feel full, therefore I would not eat, but low and behold I'm hungry most of the time. I'm going to try to do liquids today till supper time. I hope this works. I have spent way to much money and time on this for it not to work. I think I will see about joining the y today. I need somewhere where I can go to walk. I'm hoping I can find a support group somewhere that will help me deal with my addiction to food. I'm really feeling like a huge failure at this. I could go back to weight watchers, I have had some luck with them at times, but thats just more money every week. I just don't know what to do. I have another appointment at the doctors in two week, debating on weather I will go or not. What good does it to go and have them put more fill in when its not doing anything. I would like to know if I really have that much in my band. If there is a leak what would they do. I have to decide if I want another band or maybe I should do bypass. I'm really conficted on this right now. If I don't go in two weeks when should I give up and have it removed. I just don't know what to do. I really really down right now.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

2-21-08

I'm beginning to think I need professional help with my eating. I can't seem to stop myself from eating all the wrong things. I know I'm eating way to much. They want me to eat only 1 cup at a time, but that just doesn't fill me up. Then there is the times I know I'm not hungry, but I just feel the need to eat something. Sometimes I crave sweets and sometimes it something salty. I try to reason with myself, but doesn't always work. I try to decide if something is on my mind and most of the time there really isn't anything. I know sometimes I'm just bored, so I try to find something else to do. I just have to get this under control.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Yet another fill

Well yesterday they added another .3cc to my band, now at a total of 4.2 in my 4.0 band. I don't know if this time will do the trick or not. I did liquids yesterday and was find, and today I have ate oatmeal for breakfast and rice pudding for lunch. I feel full, but not I still don't feel a lot of restriction. They are going to do another barium swallow next month see if everything is ok. I still wonder if I have a leak somewhere. Because I feel some restriction right after I get a fill then in a couple of week nothing. They want me to only eat 1 cup at a time and see what happens. I really can eat more, but they think that I could be backing up in my esphogus. The last barium swallow showed no stretching and I did that one in December. I know my luck is I problem have a leak. I don't have very good luck at anything.   Oh well I will see how it goes in the next few days. I really think I might go back to weight watchers for awhile and see if I can lose a few lbs that way. I really have to get this weight off my aching joints. So I have to do more in choosing the right foods. I still fight myself. I still have that big hole that I can't fill.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

really discouraged

Got back from our vacation and guess what I gained about 7 lbs while gone. Its really my fault. I just can't seem to not eat. I'm so tired of trying and trying, but I'm so hungry most of the time. I go for a fill tomorrow, I think I will have them see how much is really in there. They said I have 3.9 cc in my band, I just wonder if there really is that much or maybe I have leak. I feel like I have restriction for a few days after a fill then it seems as if I can eat anything Iwant to eat. I really don't have much restriction. I can eat just about everything. I even ate some bread while we were gone. Thats a first since last March. I have to be really careful and eat is slow and chew chew chew. I've thought about have gastric bypass, but I want to give this another chance.   I guess I really thought this would be easier than it is. I really thought that I would not be hungry. It dosn't take away the hole that I keep trying to fill with food. I guess I need to work on that and figure out why I'm so hungry or think I'm hungry. Sometimes I so discourged that I just don't know what to do.   Well we will see what the have to say tomorrow.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

01-23-08

Leaving in 2 days, wish I was more excited about it. I really dread the drive. I will be long, driving from Missouri to Florida. I don't know why I dread the vacation, I know I will have a good time once I'm there. I don't know why I'm this way, but this is the way I always feel before we go somewhere. I worry about the house, cats, and of course my children and grandchildren. I just love being home. I don't every go anywhere except the to store and church. I really need to get involved in something else. I need to make more friends. I don't even go scrapbook anymore. I gave up the stamp club also. It worrys me that my husband is the same way. He never wants go anywhere, of course I blame myself for being so fat. He problem doesn't want to be seen with someone so big. At least he will go on vacation of course no one will know us. Oh well, just have fun.   Diet is going better, except today I could eat a horse if it were in front of me. I just have to keep busy and drink my water. I know I can do this. It is just going to take time. Everyday is a new day and a new beginning.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Did I make a mistake?

I wondering if I made a mistake in getting the band, its not working for me the way I thought it would. I can still eat way to much and I don't make the best decisions. I got the band thinking it would limit how much I could eat, but I still can eat just about anything I want to. I have never got down to only 1/2 cup. I can eat about 2cups at a time. I have to slow down to eat or I pb but I still cant eat to much. I feel like I have screwed up everything. I'm so weak when it come to eating. I love to cook and now I try not to, but I still have to cook something or else I will just eat anything. I have don't buy cookies or pies anymore and I sure don't buy cake. I made one for my husband a couple of weeks ago and I had to throw the rest of it out because I just couldn't leave it a lone. I could eat till I puke I think. What is wrong with you, are you just an crazy old woman, who should have just left things the way the were and just been fat the rest of your life. I do feel better, but my knees are sore most of the time and I have no energy. I really sometimes I feel like it was a mistake to get the band. I know people are looking at me wondering when I'm going to lose weight. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

No fill this month

Went to the doctor on Tuesday and we decide not to do a fill for this month, as I do have some restriction and I'm leaving on vacation next week. Will be gone for two weeks and then I will go back on the 12th and see how I'm doing. Not losing but not gaining either. If I could jusl lose this sweet tooth that I have. I really crave sweets. I do pretty good with everything else. Just can't seem to leave them alone. I don't buy cookies any more, now I need not to make them anymore. I will send the rest of what I made on Tuesday home with my granddaughter today. I'm really trying hard to get all my water in and eating the right things. I wish my husband was more in to eating right. I wish he would eat more salad and stuff. He usually wants just meat and potatoes. Oh well I can't use him for an excuse. He eats pretty much what I put on the table. Oh well today is going ok will do much better tomorrow. My ped account this past week was pretty good for me. Everyday I made it over 2,000 steps each day. Now my next goal is to increase my steps by at least 100 to 200 more steps each day. I walk in plase some times just to get some steps in. Life isn't always fair.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Still at a stand still, still my own doing

I'm not losing, but it is my own fault. I need to make better choices, I know I've been saying that for months. I know what I need to do, but I just don't make the correct choices. I start everyday thinking today will be the day that I will make the great change that I need to make. Then about half way through the day I make the choice to eat something I shouldn't or I choose to eat to much. I'm still really disappointed that I can eat to much. I still eating about 2 cups at a time or more. My pouch is not stretched out they checked it last month when I was in for a fill. I guess I will have them remove all the liquid from my band and see if it really has 3.9 cc of liquid in it. It seem like I have some restrcition for a few days, then I'm back to where I was. If it has a leak I wonder what they will do. I wonder if you have to have it replaced. Right now I'm so discourged that I don't know if I would have it removed and a new on placed. I know I have lost 30 lbs and I have kept it off for the most part. I think the largest amount I have lost is 35 lbs, but I did gain some it back. Oh well, guess I will get up and go do my shopping and do some extra rounds around the walmart so I will have some excersise today. Its so cold outside that I haven't been doing anything. Again thats a excuse, and I need to just do it. I just have to fight all my negative thoughts. My primary doctor was pleased with my labs yesterday. Ha1c was 5.9 which is really good. My cholesterol was really good 122. So there is some medical good news. I really wanted to lose some more before we leave for vacation. We leave in 2 weeks, so I guess I will not be any smaller than I was 6 or 7 months ago. I haven't lost since last June. I'm just so disappointed. I really thought I would not be hungry and I would not be able to eat very much, so far wrong on both accounts. I think I though if I wasn't hungry and couldn't eat very much I would lose and the rest of what I had to do would just fall in place. It was just a dream that I could do this.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

New Year New Me I think?

Well its been awhile since I've been here on the site. I did a lot of cooking for the holiday and it tells. I have gained about 7 lbs and now I'm on the way down again. I have lost 2 of the 7 lbs. I now have to commit to a new life style and excersise program. I have thought a lot about what I really want and it is to lose at least 50 lbs this year. That's a pound a week. Thats not a lot but over few years that will add up to a lot. I have to have a mental change as well a physical change. I know that I have been way to inactive to lose very much so my commit to excersise has to start with me changing my mind set. I did do a little yesterday. I do wear a pedometer. Yesterday I took only 1995 steps. My new commit is to take at least 2000 steps a day for the next week. I know thats not a lot for an active person, but I'm not active at all. So maybe next week I will commit to additional steps and so on till I get up to 10,000 steps a day by years end or before. This is my promise to myself. I will be more postive this year also and not so down all the time. Now I have to have a mental change as far as food goes. I have to stop doing what is easy. I really do that a lot. I will grab something because I wait to long to eat and then I will go for anything that's not nailed down. I have to do more planning and I need to start with what I will do on a weekly bases. I will do this starting right now. I know that I can't eat a bowl of cereal and be full. I need to fix a bowl of oatmeal and then have a protien shake to sip on for a couple of hours and I will be happier. I have to make changes that I really never wanted to make, but I know that I can do it. I know that is the first of the new year and I will not forget this promises to myself. I don't go back to the doctor again till the 16th. I will try of lose all that I have gained over the holiday. Then we have to talk about if this band has a leak. I do really good for a few days after getting a fill then I'm back to being able to eat anything I want and in almost any amount. Last time I was there the did a swallowing eval and I had not stretch out my pouch. May need to have them take all the water out and see how much is there. I will do this.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

12-13-07

I'm really feeling better about the band right now then I have in the past few months. I have more restriction then I every have and it feels so good. I'm not hungry right now and its a wonderful feeling. Now if I can just kick in the excerise I think the weight would just about fall off. I have to get more activity going. The ice if falling off the trees today, and the sun is shining. I love sunshine. The talk is more snow tomorrow night and Saturday, I really hope they are wrong. I need sunshine to function at a good pace. I took my sister to airport this morning and I wish I was going with her to Hawaii. Oh well I will deal with what I have and count my blessing.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

12-11-07

Its been a week since my last fill and I think I have some restriction. I really can't eat as much as a week ago, but still not down to 1/2 cup. I really have to slow down and much smaller bites. I went last night with my sister to eat at Outback and I ate all my salad and most of the 7 oz. steak and some of the sweet potatoe. I seem to be much tighter in the AM than in the PM. I don't know if I need to get more fill or not. I will stay like this for a few week then see what happens.   I finely got the tree done and most of the boxes back downstairs. I was about to lose my mind with all the mess. I guess I need to get my small amount of shopping done. I really want to do baking next week for family and freinds. I want to get the cookie trays out to people by the end of next week. I still think its a little early to start any baking. I don't want that temptation around that long.   I hope I see some weight loss soon. I really would like to lose some before our vacation to Florida in January. We don't leave till the end of the month so maybe I can get some more off. Its so discourging see other losing with such a small fill. I can't believe how different we all are with fills. Why am I at 3.9 and other are happy with 1.5 or less. Oh well, I must not dwell on that I know it will work in its own time. I know I will do this. I will make better choices and will do this. I will be much health in the months to come from the effort I put out now. I will do this. I will do this. Nothing is going to keep me from doing this. I have to stay strong when all hell is breaking lose around me. I will not let other temp me. I will make the better choice. I will try to keep negative thought from over coming my better choices.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

12-4-07

Well I'm back from the doctors and I had gained 4 lbs. I told her that I don't always make the must choices. I can't eat bread and have to be careful with chicken and beef. I can eat to fast and need really chew my food. She told me she wanted to do a barium swallow to make sure the pounch and my esphougus was not stretched. So the swallow test turn out fine. So she put in 1cc and the had me drink water and started pulling out fluid till if felt the water do down. So ended up with another .2cc in my band. I now have 3.9cc in band. Will see if this makes a differance. I have been able to eat just about anything I want. I have never be restricted to just a 1/2 cup of food. I hope this makes a differance this time. I would love to drop a few pounds I know I have to do my part and start working the band. I'm doing much better. I have not brought any cookies or candy in a long time. I'm trying to eat my protien first. I need to decrease my carbs. Well today is a new day and I'm having a protien shake right now. So far so good. I don't feel like I'm a tight. Well see what the rest of the week brings. Got to get busy I have a tree to decorate.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

12-3-07

I'm thinking that I'm not doing so bad. I haven't lost anything in serveral months and that is really a dispointment. On the other hand I haven't gained either which is a major step for me at this time of the year. I go tomorrow to the doctor so will see what they have to say about my weight. I know I'm not working the band the way I should, but I do watch every bite that goes into my mouth good or bad. I'm trying to not buy anything that is sweet or to high in fat content. I feel a little stronger when fighting against my food addiction. I know I can win this battle some day its just going to take time. I have to just wait it out. Right now my stomach is growling it time to eat breakfast, but still have trouble in the morning with food going down. I'm learning to eat slower. Eating to fast is a big problem for me. All the years I ate so fast that I didn't even taste food. I guess I just wanted to fill up the hole in me and eating fast worked some of the time. I now still eat the bad stuff but I can't eat the any where as much as I did before the band. I also have to work on taking smaller bites, sometimes I forget and then the worst thing happens PB. So this is a learning process and I guess it just takes me a little longer to learn. I fight change in anything I do, so I will do it. It will just take time for me to make the changes. So I'm not unhappy as I was because I realize now that this is a learning process. So I go next week to my primary care doctor and will see how my labs are doing. I'm not thinking my HGBAC1 will be any better than it was the last time I went. I haven't been excersising as much as I should and we did just go through Halloween and Thanksgiving. If its under 6.5 I will be happy. It was 5.8 last time, but my med was cut in half. So if its under 6.5 I will be happy. Well we will see what the say tomorrow at the doctor. I know I can do this it will just take time.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

11-28-07

Well I have finally got over the need to weight everyday. I guess I realize that I'm not going to lose very fast and weighting everyday just depressed me. I going next week to the doctor so will see how I'm doing then. I don't know if I want another fill or not. I do have trouble eating chicken, beef, and pork, it seem to want to set and spin in my stomach. I don't know if I'm not chewing well enough or if I'm eating to big a bites. I still don't do well in the am, I usually don't eat anything till lunch. I do protien shakes in the morning. Evening is still my biggest problem time of the day. I could eat a bear most of the time. My portions size is still way to big. Thats the one thing that makes me think I need another fill. I will have to talk with them next week and see what they think. Oh well need to get some things done today, Christmas is going to sneak up on me if I don't get busy.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

thankful that thanksgiving is over

Thank the Lord the holiday is over, and also my husband is back to work( he took last week off). It was a very quiet thanksgiving this year. I did cook, but ate very little. I didn't eat any turkey on turkey day. After cooking most of the day it wasn't very appealing, I did eat some cheese ball with crackers, a very small piece of pumpkin pie and small pie of dixie pie. I ate 7 layer salad, which was really good. I haven't gain over the holiday witch is a mircle in itself. So now I have to get down to business and try to lose some weight. I haven't lost anything in months, but really want to lose about 10 to 20 lbs before the end of January when we go on vacation. I'm tired of lugging around all this weight. I really tired of my clothes not fitting. The clothes thing is really getting to me. I have not changed sizes at all . You would think with losing 30 lbs something would of changed. All my clothes feel funny, like the don't go over my hips very good, but still they hang now between my legs. I just hate having to pull them up all the time. When I sit the crotch seems way to far down and I have to adjust the way I'm sitting or get up and pull them up. The front of my pant is way to big where my stomach so fit, but the butt is still to big. My body is just so weird. All of a sudden I have rolls on my legs that never were there before. I guess menopause has something to do with it. My skin is so dry now. This getting old is not what its cracked up to be. Well guess I will drink some more water and then eat some salad. The holiday will be a real test for this band. I guess I should just be glad that I'm not gaining any weight. I should name the band, but can't come up with the correct name. I know that a name will come to me sometime soon. Oh will things will be what they are suppose to be. I just have to have faith that all will happen in the correct time. I'm going to send all the sweet stuff out of the house, I can't handle sweet thing being in the house. I LOVE SWEETS. I MUST NOT HAVE THEM IN THE HOUSE. I MUST BE STRONG. I WILL HAVE A GOOD DAY AND A GOOD WEEK. I WILL LOSE SOMETHING THIS WEEK. I WILL TRY TO WALK MORE. I WILL NOT FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF. I WILL TRY TO MAKE MORE EFFORT IN ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS. I WILL LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES. I WILL EAT MORE PROTIEN. I WILL DRINK MORE WATER. I still haven't had a coke since the day before surgery. I miss my diet coke, sometime I really crave it. If I can give up diet coke, then I should be able to give up sweets.   Thank the Lord for this day and let me be thankful for all that the Lord has provided for me.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

afraid

I don't know why I'm afraid of things, but I am. I guess part of it is I'm afraid of change. Eating in comfortable its what I am. If I don't eat what will I do. I am afraid to talk to people so I just don't talk. People think I'm unfriendly, but I'm not. I just don't know how to talk to people. I'm always afraid that they won't like me. I am afraid to ask the hard questions, because I might have to make a change in my life. What am I afraid of? I don't like what I have became and I don't like hiding behind this wall of fat. So what am I afraid of. Change can't be as bad as my life is right now. How could it get any worst. I am afraid if I don't get the answers I want then I will have to make major changes in my life. I don't know if I have the courage to do that. I am afraid of losing my best friend and I have been this way for so long that I don't know any other way. Why am I always afraid of what others will think of me. When did I became this way? What made me this way? Why am I so afraid of life?
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

11-13-07

Still not doing so good, but I'm hanging in there. I make no excuses for my behavior. I know I'm doing this to myself, so I ask for no sympathy, but I do ask for understanding. I know this is not an easy path and if anyone thinks it its then they need a reality check. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm an emotional eater, which is make everything harder. Lots of thing play into my overeating, things that I must workout for myself. Some are childhood, marriage, and children issues. I'm trying to do better and some day are good and other are a bitch. I would like better restriction, but then I think maybe my restriction is good if I would work the program like I should. I still have problems with chicken and bread. I really miss bread, I didn't think I would because I was never a great big bread eater, but I would love to be able to eat a sandwich for lunch with some soup. I need to eat more salads. I have trouble first thing in the morning so I usually have a protien shake. I have found that if I eat cereal that cereal doesn't hold me nearly as well as the protien shake does. I have to keep busy or I do want to eat just because. The head hunger thing is really hard to control at times, but I try to keep busy that really helps. I know other people are doing so good and some day that will be me too. I will hang in and it will come just slower than most.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

still the same

Guess the old saying "you can't teach an old dog a new trick" is true. I'm still the same weight I was a week ago. I guess I will never learn how to eat, or how to make the right choices. I feel like a complete failure. I just don't seem to be able to do this. I guess I will have to be happy with what I have lost and be happy never gaining it back. I really wanted to lose a little more so that I could get into a smaller size before we go on vacation in January. I just don't see that happening right now. I don't know rather I should get another fill or just wait awhile. I'm really tired of thinking about it. I just want to lose weight. Maybe if I quite worrying about it the weight will come off. I know it won't, but I get so discouraged when I see people posting about only eating 1000 calorires or less a day and still not losing weight. I just don't feel that is a healthy diet. I guess maybe I will find out how much it cost to joing the Y. Maybe I could go there this winter and walk on the track. I need to do something for excersise. My sister is so thin and I'm so jealous. I want to be a size 12 or even 14. My sister is down to a size 6, I don't think I would ever look good at that size. I just don't see myself as thin. I don't believe it will every happen. Proof is that I can't seem to lose even 50 lbs with the band. I hope this wasn't a mistake. It cost a lot of money and I just don't seem to lose. I really feel like a loser.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

Will I do this

I'm really questioning what the h*** I'm doing. Idon't know what I want. I know I want to lose weight, but I don't seem to want to do the work. I don't want to be hungry and sometimes I am and somethings I'm not. Sometimes its head hunger and sometimes I really am hungry. I just want to be normal and lose weight like all the other people. I really thought that I would not have hunger and that I would only be able to eat a small amount. Well neither has happen. I can still eat a horse, although I do have to chew,chew an eat slow slow. I really believed that I would only be able to eat 1/2 cup, not the 2 cups I eat most of the time. I thought I would not be hungry, I knew that I would have fight the head hunger, but its really hard to fight head hunger when you don't feel full. Sometimes I'm really down and other times I glad I have the band. I know I would have gained durning the last seven months instead of losing. I'm glad that I have lost 35 lbs, but I'm still in all my big clothes and I'm tired of all big clothes. I want to wear cute clothes that are smaller and in style. I feel like a loser most of the time. I read how everyone is doing so great and here I am with only a 35 lb lost. How am I going to do this so that I win and I don't lose my self respect. I know that I can do this. I guess I need some great ideas. I can still do this, I know I have to do this one day at a time, but the days are so long when you struggle all day. I should not be in pitty pot all time eihter. How do I get off that pot? How do I stop worring all the time about food. I just feel like that all I do is think of food and I really though I would get over that when I wasn't hungry all the time. I need some major help.
carol1951

carol1951

3
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