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Yet another fill

Well yesterday they added another .3cc to my band, now at a total of 4.2 in my 4.0 band. I don't know if this time will do the trick or not. I did liquids yesterday and was find, and today I have ate oatmeal for breakfast and rice pudding for lunch. I feel full, but not I still don't feel a lot of restriction. They are going to do another barium swallow next month see if everything is ok. I still wonder if I have a leak somewhere. Because I feel some restriction right after I get a fill then in a couple of week nothing. They want me to only eat 1 cup at a time and see what happens. I really can eat more, but they think that I could be backing up in my esphogus. The last barium swallow showed no stretching and I did that one in December. I know my luck is I problem have a leak. I don't have very good luck at anything.   Oh well I will see how it goes in the next few days. I really think I might go back to weight watchers for awhile and see if I can lose a few lbs that way. I really have to get this weight off my aching joints. So I have to do more in choosing the right foods. I still fight myself. I still have that big hole that I can't fill.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Will I do this

I'm really questioning what the h*** I'm doing. Idon't know what I want. I know I want to lose weight, but I don't seem to want to do the work. I don't want to be hungry and sometimes I am and somethings I'm not. Sometimes its head hunger and sometimes I really am hungry. I just want to be normal and lose weight like all the other people. I really thought that I would not have hunger and that I would only be able to eat a small amount. Well neither has happen. I can still eat a horse, although I do have to chew,chew an eat slow slow. I really believed that I would only be able to eat 1/2 cup, not the 2 cups I eat most of the time. I thought I would not be hungry, I knew that I would have fight the head hunger, but its really hard to fight head hunger when you don't feel full. Sometimes I'm really down and other times I glad I have the band. I know I would have gained durning the last seven months instead of losing. I'm glad that I have lost 35 lbs, but I'm still in all my big clothes and I'm tired of all big clothes. I want to wear cute clothes that are smaller and in style. I feel like a loser most of the time. I read how everyone is doing so great and here I am with only a 35 lb lost. How am I going to do this so that I win and I don't lose my self respect. I know that I can do this. I guess I need some great ideas. I can still do this, I know I have to do this one day at a time, but the days are so long when you struggle all day. I should not be in pitty pot all time eihter. How do I get off that pot? How do I stop worring all the time about food. I just feel like that all I do is think of food and I really though I would get over that when I wasn't hungry all the time. I need some major help.
carol1951

carol1951

3
 

WHY, WHY, WHY

WHY do I want to eat anything in sight somedays and I have no hunger the other day. I don't understand why I do this. Why can't all days be the same it would be so much easier to lose weight.   Today so far isn't so bad, yesterday I wanted eat everything in sight. I was at the store today, I walked by the cookies and didn't buy any. I really, really wanted to, but I know that I would eat them and that won't help the cause at all. I have to have these small victories, it helps with the self esteem. I did get some more fresh cut up fruit, that seems to help some.   I will over come this weight. I still can't imagine myself thin, wish I could. If I could see myself thin them maybe I could stick to the food plan better. I know I will do better this week.   Next week my DH will be out camping with his high school buddies. They have been doing this for 30+ years. Will they every grow up. It didn't use to bother me that they did this, but then I finally realized that he had spend more vacations with his buddies then he had with me. I really tired of these so call camping vacations, but hes going to do it all the same. I now plan more trips with my girlfriend who isn't married. Most of married women can't seem to get away with this kind of behavior. He doesn't say a word, or he can't say anything about me going with my girlfriend.   Oh well, what I really worried about next week is being alone with myself. I try will hard to be accountable to myself, cause it is really only me that I hurting. I will have to write a lot next week to keep up with all thoughts that I will be dealing with while alone in the house.   I know I can do this, I can only relie on myself.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

why

Why do I have this over whelming desire to eat? I know I'm not hungry right now, in fact I'm very full. But at this very moment all I want to do is go fine something to eat. I know I need to redirect and do something else. So why don't I go for a walk or go do laundry? This is the sickness that I have. Why do we eat when we know we are not hungry? It would be so much simpler if we could just take that huge devil right off my shoulder. The feeling sometimes so bad it almost all consuming. This is what I thought the band would take away from me. I really believe it would take that devil and banish him forever. Yes the band make you feel full, but it does not do away with the devil inside me. I have to learn how to handle this little devil.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

when will I give up

When will I give up these three pounds that I keep playing with. I go and I go down, why won't it just go away. I haven't lost a lb in the last month. I have increased my activity and I doing better most day with my eating. I still don't have the restriction that I want, but go next Tuesday for another fill. I hope this is the one, it will be my 5th fill. I still not low enough on the carbs. I do fine getting in the protien, but carbs are still a problem with me.   This addiction as I call it is hard to bust. Maybe I will never get rid of it. I just need to learn how to live with it. I really didn't think the other night that I was eating because of emotions, but as I was going to bed I realized that I was upset with my DH. I have to face it that most of the time I deal with all emotions with food. I love food, I can't remember I time that I didn't love food. I like to look at it. I like cook it. I like eat it. I love to talk about food. My life as been about food and after 56 years of food I don't know anything else. I hide behind food. I cover up feelings with food. I make it my relaxation. I live most minutes of my life thinking of food. It has gotten better since I got the band. I really don't think of food as often, but it still only takes a commerical on tv to set me off. I saw a commerical for kfc the other night and I swear my mouth started watering and I don't even like kfc. My love affair with food is coming to an end, but it is so hard.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

What have I done

What in the world is wrong with me. I went to the grocery store this morning and got all the wrong things. I got a piece of pie, ice cream, muffins and a candy bar. Why do I do this??? I know better then this. I really thing sometimes I a crazy as a loon. I did eat a muffin, but thank God it didn't go down well, won't eating any more of those. On the other had the pie went down way to easy, I only ate the filling could of care less about the crust. By the way it was coconut cream my farovite pie. So now I'm beating myself up over doing something so stupid. I guess is was really unhappy that I haven't heard from my DH yet. Maybe he will take time to call tonight. I know he is probably having a ball, but I would like to know that he does think of me once and a while.   I have been busy this week cleaning my scrapebooking room and that is good. I have not slept well the last two nights which I believe doesn't help matter when I'm down. I always turn to food. I need to find something to replace food with. I'm trying to stay busy and keep my hands busy so that I don't turn to food. I must say though I don't eat nearly has much as I use to. If this had been before the band I probably would have comesumed a lot more than just a muffin and a pie filling. By the way that is all that I have ate today. I am not hungry in the least and will just have salad tonight for my supper. I will fix a taco salad with ground beef (97% fat free), lettuce, ranch style beans, tomato, and a small amount of fritos (for crunch) and then dressing(green goddess). I will have extra meat and go light on the dressing. I have been drinking water pretty good this week I need to get more water in everyday.   Oh well guess I will go clean some more. This journal really helps me. I guess it could have been worst. I really don't eat as much as I use to. I will try to go walk a little pretty soon. A cold front to to go through today and tomorrow will only be in the low 80's. Can't wait I will turn off the air and enjoy the fresh air for a few days.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

wednesday, 5-9-07

Well I made it through with out the brownies yesterday, but I did eat to much last nite. Why is it when you are eating to much and you know it,but you don't stop. Why can't I stop myself. When I get done I feel bad. Why do I want to feel bad. Do I believe down deep somewhere that I don't deserve to be thin. I don't want to be really thin, just would like to be able to wear clothes off the rack say size 12 or 10. Can't remember every wearing size 10. I remember in high school wearing size 14. Just I have always been big, not fat, just big. It caught up with me when I got married. I became less active. I was raised on a farm and I always had to help with the cows and gardening, things like that. After I got married we move to topeka, ks and I lived in town. Started having kids and the weight just came on. I remember going to weight watchers when I only weighted 164 lbs. I thought that was horrible to weight 164, I would love to be that small again. I weighed in today at 279. I want to lose like so many other are on this web site. I guess I will lose slow. I just have accept that, and not get down on myself. I have to figure out what to do in the evening, which is the hardest part for me. That is the time I really can get out of control and mess up the whole day. I have to start each day like its the first day of my diet or may I should say my life style change. I know I'm not eating nearly what I was before the band, so I assumed that I would lose faster. Guess I should just be glad that I have not gained more. If I didn't have the band no telling where I would be now. I could be at 315,320 lbls more by now. Count my blesssings.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

was a quiet day

Today was been a quiet day for me. I did some house cleaning. I have felt a little more restriction today than most days. Maybe it the weather, I don't know how to explain was some days we feel restricted and some days we have know restriction. I just can't eat bread it just doesn't want to go down very good.   Well I still haven't heard from my DH today. He call yesterday evening and I could hardly talk with him I'm mad and hurt that he hadn't called on Sunday nite or Monday nite. I know I'm just being childish, but I want to know that I'm important to him. I always feel like if he calls me in front of his friends that he will think he will look like he's pussy whipped. I really don't like hearing things from other people. Like the time we were at a new years eve party and I was asked why I never came to the fish fries. Well I didn't know that any of the guys wives and girlfriend attend. Of course my husband said he never said anything because he knew that I wouldn't go because I don't like fish. I feel like he really didn'l want me there. I really feel like I probably embaress him. I really never know how to talk to people and I'm so big. He keeps things from me, like when his best friend was messing around with another woman. I heard it from my mother that his best friend was getting a divorce because of his affair. When I asked my husband he said yeah he knew. He did it one other time when our friends husband did the same thing, they didn't get a divorce. That time he said he didn't tell me because he didn't think I could keep my mouth shut. He also did with another set of friends. I to this day he has never told me about that one. I learn about it from his sister-in-law. Is it just a guy thing, thinking that they are protecting each other or what. So I wonder if he has every had an affair. He says he has never cheated on me. I use to trust his every word. The last couple of years has changed that. I am so dumb sometimes. I believe most anything anyone tells me.   Oh well I'm just down tonight, it will be better tomorrow. I just have to keep busy.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

ups and downs

Got up this morning and was really depressed that I have gained 2 lbs, but what could I expect I haven't really been very good. I then decide I would have a good day that last a couple of hours. I didn't eat breakfast just started paying bills, well I really depressed after that and I sure enough I ate a peanut butter sandwich cookie that is filled with nuttella. Boy was that a hugh mistake, I was kicking myself like crazy. I then went ahead an ate lunch. Had chicken salad on cracker and cantalope. Not to bad and now I could eat a horse. So I had a couple handful of peanuts. Now I have to stay strong till supper. I have to go watch my grandkids for a little while this evening. I love seeing my grandkids they are so cute. So I also pick up a pedometer the other day and I put that on at noon and see how many steps I do per day. I want to increase my step count every day. It has a memory for the last seven days so hopefully I can do more each day. I really want to lose more weight and I have to make some tough decisions each day and I have to do this. If I want to lose weight. I know I still feel like I will never do this, and I sometimes feel like a big old loser that is never going to win. I sometime think I shouldn't even try cause its just not going to happen. I know it will come if I just stay strong and try to not get really down. I think I will try to stay away from the boards. I think I take so much personally that I let everyones success defeat myself. I wish I was that person that has lost 70 lbs already, but I'm not so I think if I quite comparing myself to other I will be better off. I have to keep writing in times like this so that I stay postive. I can do this. I just know I can.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

try to fill a hole in my sole

I know that I have lost my DD, but the hole it has left in me is hugh. I have been trying to fill it with food today and I know that won't work. I have to work through these problems and hope for the best. I did my best with her, but it was never enough. I truely love her and her kids, but I can't seem to do enough. I have given money till have none left to give. I have babysit and pick up the kids from school when sick. I have gotten the grandkids birthday, christmas presents, and clothes for school. I have tried to be there when she need me, but in the end she choose a man who has completly shut out her family. I wish I could change a lot of things. I know I can only do so much and I do the best that I can. I will miss not seeing the kids, but the last time I talked with her and told her the kids had been over when the were at their dads I could tell she was not happy about them being at my house. I will not put them in the middle so I will not see them or talk with them when they are at their dads. This is the hardest thing I have to do. She was to decide when and if I can see them, its not up to me, she is their mother.   I have eaten way to much today already and its only 12:30. I have had a protein bar, 2 oz cheese, a bowl of pasta and meatballs, and some cheese spread on crackers. I will have to drink a lot of water and do some excersises. I know it could have been worst had I not had the band. THE BAND IS MY FRIEND, MAYBE THE BEST FRIEND I HAVE. THE BAND DOESN'T LYE. THE BAND DOESN'T WANT ANYTHING FROM ME. THE BAND WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME. I LOVE MY BAND.   I thank God everyday that I have the band to remind me not to eat to much and to love myself. If I don't love myself no one else will love me.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

thursday, 5-31-07

Well it been two weeks since my last fill and have very little restriction. I guess I should call the doctors office and see if I can get another fill and not wait another two weeks. I can get at least 2 cups at a sitting. I'm not eating as much as I was before my band, but not anywhere close to 4 oz's the doctor talked about. I'm going to challenge myself to excersise this month. I will start slow and add some time to it each week. Dana wants me to do the walking program at zona rosa that is to start tonight. I don't think I can walk as far as the want you to. If it wasn't for this journal I might as well be invisable to the world out there. I'm trying to keep track of my food intake on fitday.com. Do pretty good most of the time, but somedays I just don't feel like doing it. I also don't do very well on those days. I still can't see myself as every being a normal size. I have been this size for so long, I hope and pray that it will come. My love affair with food is going to kill me if I don't get it under control. My blood pressure is better, can't say that much for my blood sugars. I the blood sugars are coming down slowly. I would love to get off the medications. Today will be a good day.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

this is a great day

Well it happen today. We have a roof for the screen in porch that we have been waiting for, six months, we have been waiting. I had begin to believe it would never happen. We started this journey in Sept and told it would take 2 months. Everything under the sun happen to this project, from rain,snow, to the construction supervisor not passing a test for city, to the city changing the rules. It looks like it may happen now.   I'm doing so much better today. The sun has shone for the first time in about a week. I can't stand it when we have no sunshine. It going rain tomorrow and maybe even snow Friday nite and Saturday morning. I hope their wrong. It's so cold way below average.   I have not been too hungry today.:clap2: I thing I need to take more of the benafiber. I have to order my meds for the mail order rx. TODAY HAS BEEN GREAT SO FAR. Hope to see more of these day.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

This adventure I'm on

This is an adventure that I'm on right now, take so much of my time and energy. I'm living breathing it every minute of every day. I'm trying so hard to do this and the weight is so slow coming off. I know it took year to put on, but I what it off NOW!!   I walked today with my daughter maybe a 1/2 mile and I hope it helps. I'm trying to do more each day. I have been using some band to work on my arm that swing in the air everyday.   One of my biggest problem, I believe, is that I can't even believe that I will be thin. I can't even believe that it will every happen. It has been a dream for a long time, will it every happen. If I can change that thought about never being thinner, then maybe I can win this battle. I feel like I'm doing battle everyday with myself. Why can't I eat like a normal person, why does food have such a hold over me. I know I do it because it makes me feel better for a few minutes, but that doesn't last all that long. I know I eat because I love to eat, I do it because I'm feeling low, or because I'm mad or happy. Why is every emotion that I have tied to food. I know sometimes I'm not even hunrgy, but I feel like I want to eat. I'm really getting in touch with my feeling now. I really want to do this right and feel better. THE WAR WILL BE WON, ITS THE SMALL BATTLES THAT IS TAKING ALL MY WILL POWER FOR NOW. I WILL WIN THE SMALL BATTLES SO THAT I CAN WIN THE WAR!!!!!:clap2::clap2::clap2::clap2:
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

thankful that thanksgiving is over

Thank the Lord the holiday is over, and also my husband is back to work( he took last week off). It was a very quiet thanksgiving this year. I did cook, but ate very little. I didn't eat any turkey on turkey day. After cooking most of the day it wasn't very appealing, I did eat some cheese ball with crackers, a very small piece of pumpkin pie and small pie of dixie pie. I ate 7 layer salad, which was really good. I haven't gain over the holiday witch is a mircle in itself. So now I have to get down to business and try to lose some weight. I haven't lost anything in months, but really want to lose about 10 to 20 lbs before the end of January when we go on vacation. I'm tired of lugging around all this weight. I really tired of my clothes not fitting. The clothes thing is really getting to me. I have not changed sizes at all . You would think with losing 30 lbs something would of changed. All my clothes feel funny, like the don't go over my hips very good, but still they hang now between my legs. I just hate having to pull them up all the time. When I sit the crotch seems way to far down and I have to adjust the way I'm sitting or get up and pull them up. The front of my pant is way to big where my stomach so fit, but the butt is still to big. My body is just so weird. All of a sudden I have rolls on my legs that never were there before. I guess menopause has something to do with it. My skin is so dry now. This getting old is not what its cracked up to be. Well guess I will drink some more water and then eat some salad. The holiday will be a real test for this band. I guess I should just be glad that I'm not gaining any weight. I should name the band, but can't come up with the correct name. I know that a name will come to me sometime soon. Oh will things will be what they are suppose to be. I just have to have faith that all will happen in the correct time. I'm going to send all the sweet stuff out of the house, I can't handle sweet thing being in the house. I LOVE SWEETS. I MUST NOT HAVE THEM IN THE HOUSE. I MUST BE STRONG. I WILL HAVE A GOOD DAY AND A GOOD WEEK. I WILL LOSE SOMETHING THIS WEEK. I WILL TRY TO WALK MORE. I WILL NOT FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF. I WILL TRY TO MAKE MORE EFFORT IN ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS. I WILL LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES. I WILL EAT MORE PROTIEN. I WILL DRINK MORE WATER. I still haven't had a coke since the day before surgery. I miss my diet coke, sometime I really crave it. If I can give up diet coke, then I should be able to give up sweets.   Thank the Lord for this day and let me be thankful for all that the Lord has provided for me.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

sunshine today

Monday, July 2, 2007. Looks like we will have some sunshine today:whoo::whoo:. I'm so tired of all the clouds and rain we have been having. I worked out in the yard for about an hour yesterday. I need to go walk or do something for excersize today, besides laundry. I did pretty good this weekend. It really helps not having anything in the house to eat. I did have some problems with my pizza Friday nite. I know better than to try the crust. I usaully only eat the toppings only, but since we were babysitting I forgot and ate the crust. I slimed just a small amount. Then Saturday nite my hamburger(without the bun) did want to go down either. I did really bad on the water front on Saturday, Sunday was much better. It helps when I do a protien shake also. THIS IS GOING TO BE A BATTLE EVERYDAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!!!! It's discourging to think I have to do this the rest of my life so guess I think of it as one day at a time. My problem is that some day I just don't feel like doing the battle.   How do I maintain that excitement and the wonder of something new. Its kinda like marriage in that the honeymoon period is over now and I have to make this work for me. I just have to stick with it, no divorce for me from my band. The band is here to stay.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

sunshine saturday, not

Its a little gloomy today, with rain shines off and on. I went to my stamp club today and had a good time. Dessert which I made was good, I ate a small orange brownie and left some with my daughter and sent some with the stamp lady. My husband has yet to try them. They were very good. I love stamp and scrapbooking and need to do more of it. It would keep my mind busy and my hands busy. For some reason I just don't do it. I have lots of pictures to work on and lots of material to use up. Maybe tomorrow I will get something done.   My weight is pretty stable right now and I'm hoping for a drop soon. With the smaller portions and fewer calories it just has to kick in soon. I'm feeling a little more restriction, but not enought yet. I thinking that I will give it another week then call and see when I can get another fill. I have only a month left on what the call gobal with my insurance and I think I need make good work of the insurance. A fill will cost 250 dollars and I just don't have that kind of cash every month laying around.   I still having trouble believing that this is going to work for me, as nothing has worked in the past. I must keep a postive attitude.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Sunday, 6-10-07

DH is gone till Wednesday nite, I'm alone with all my food thoughts, Oh my what will I do.:help: I'm going to go to the movies with a friend this afternoon. Tomorrow I will watch my grandson for awhile and take a walk I hope. Tuesday my sister wants me to come up and see a couple of our cousins. Then its Wed. and my DH will be home in the evening. I never get a chance to be bored or alone very often, always something going on.   I weight this morning and was done a couple of pounds hope it stay down. I seem to like to play around with a couple of pounds before they are really gone.   It was been raining again and talk that it will rain off and on all week long. Hope it nice in the mornings so Dana and I can walk. I really don't mind going if I have some one to go with me. We don't even walk together, she is much faster than me. Shes also twenty years younger than me.   I'm thinking some of clothes are beginning to be to big, but I hate tight clothes so will wait for a few more pounds to come off before I go down a size. They were way to tight before I started this journey, so I must be patient with myself.   It is going to be a great week. Hoping to get some more scrapebooking done.   Not feeling so hungry today, hope that stay with me for a long long time. Have to work on drinking more water or crystal light. Just have a problem getting fluids down. Never have figured out why I don't drink like other people do, but sometime I figure out that it has been serveral hours and I haven't drank a thing, I don't really feel thristy most of the time. I think its a problem and I need to get in tune with my thrist.   Almost time to go to the movies, that will be two movies and two play within one month.:clap2::clap2::clap2:
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

still the same

Guess the old saying "you can't teach an old dog a new trick" is true. I'm still the same weight I was a week ago. I guess I will never learn how to eat, or how to make the right choices. I feel like a complete failure. I just don't seem to be able to do this. I guess I will have to be happy with what I have lost and be happy never gaining it back. I really wanted to lose a little more so that I could get into a smaller size before we go on vacation in January. I just don't see that happening right now. I don't know rather I should get another fill or just wait awhile. I'm really tired of thinking about it. I just want to lose weight. Maybe if I quite worrying about it the weight will come off. I know it won't, but I get so discouraged when I see people posting about only eating 1000 calorires or less a day and still not losing weight. I just don't feel that is a healthy diet. I guess maybe I will find out how much it cost to joing the Y. Maybe I could go there this winter and walk on the track. I need to do something for excersise. My sister is so thin and I'm so jealous. I want to be a size 12 or even 14. My sister is down to a size 6, I don't think I would ever look good at that size. I just don't see myself as thin. I don't believe it will every happen. Proof is that I can't seem to lose even 50 lbs with the band. I hope this wasn't a mistake. It cost a lot of money and I just don't seem to lose. I really feel like a loser.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

Still hanging on

I'm still hanging on and the weight is still here. I went to the Doc the first part of the month and had lost some since I had seem him in april or may. That was a good surprise and my Hc1 was really really good. I still need to work on portion size as I eat to much, but I still have lots of issues with stuff not wanting to go down. Yesterday was one of those day where I could eat very little esp. protien. I have a really hard time with protien. Yesterday morning I fixed some eggs, bacon and fried potatoes as I was just sick to death of cereal. After going to all the effort of fixing it I couldn't get much down. My cats loved the eggs with cheese in them and my husband loved the bacon and the potatoes just got thrown out. Lunch was a granola bar and supper was carrots and a rice casserole with not much protien except the cheese. Later I ate another granola bar. The granola bar did give me some troulbe last night as it just feels as if its just sitting there I also have trouble on these days with my med. Sometimes the feel as if the are just caught in my throat.   Even those I do have some problem I'm still glad that I have my band or I would probably be a lot heavier than I am. I still need to lose more so that I can get my knees worked on. The hurt so bad and I don't think people realize how much they hurt. Its so hard to go up and down the stairs.   As for my husband and his little friend from the office I ask what her story was and he told me some of what he wanted me to know. I'm sure there is more. She still e-mails him serveral times a week that I know of. He makes it a point to tell me when she does, but only if he thinks I know there is a e-mail. Like he will get one and reply and delete everything, but she replies back and you can tell that he had already reply once before. I think he thinks I'm stupid. He swears there is nothing going on, but he makes himself look guilt. I really don't think there is anything going on, but I guess he doesn't trust me. Maybe he thinks he is protecting me so that my feeling won't be hurt, but hiding thing just makes him look bad.   I'm so glad have this blog so that I can rant and rave when ever I want too. It helps to write it down.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Still at a stand still, still my own doing

I'm not losing, but it is my own fault. I need to make better choices, I know I've been saying that for months. I know what I need to do, but I just don't make the correct choices. I start everyday thinking today will be the day that I will make the great change that I need to make. Then about half way through the day I make the choice to eat something I shouldn't or I choose to eat to much. I'm still really disappointed that I can eat to much. I still eating about 2 cups at a time or more. My pouch is not stretched out they checked it last month when I was in for a fill. I guess I will have them remove all the liquid from my band and see if it really has 3.9 cc of liquid in it. It seem like I have some restrcition for a few days, then I'm back to where I was. If it has a leak I wonder what they will do. I wonder if you have to have it replaced. Right now I'm so discourged that I don't know if I would have it removed and a new on placed. I know I have lost 30 lbs and I have kept it off for the most part. I think the largest amount I have lost is 35 lbs, but I did gain some it back. Oh well, guess I will get up and go do my shopping and do some extra rounds around the walmart so I will have some excersise today. Its so cold outside that I haven't been doing anything. Again thats a excuse, and I need to just do it. I just have to fight all my negative thoughts. My primary doctor was pleased with my labs yesterday. Ha1c was 5.9 which is really good. My cholesterol was really good 122. So there is some medical good news. I really wanted to lose some more before we leave for vacation. We leave in 2 weeks, so I guess I will not be any smaller than I was 6 or 7 months ago. I haven't lost since last June. I'm just so disappointed. I really thought I would not be hungry and I would not be able to eat very much, so far wrong on both accounts. I think I though if I wasn't hungry and couldn't eat very much I would lose and the rest of what I had to do would just fall in place. It was just a dream that I could do this.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

soupy tuesday 4-10-2007

Its raining today, which the sun would shine and warm up just a little bit. Can't wait to get my 1st fill. I'm wanting something sweet, like a brownie or cookie. I'm a cookie monster big time. I have never met a cookie that I didn't like. Its been 4 weeks since I have had any thing sweet. Thats a really long time for me to go without sweet things. I'm drinking a glass of water right now maybe that will help. Who am I kidding. Its really bad when you have to tell yourself that water is the answer.   I proud of myself, I haven't missed the diet coke at all. That really surprises me. I thought it would be the hardest thing to do, but it's not. Wish rest of the stuff would be that easy. I'm going to try tuna tonite for supper. I have never just ate tuna without bread. I'm to scared to try bread, besides if I fine out that it goes down easy, it might be to easy to eat something else that I don't want to start eating again.   Time to get busy, and stop feeling sorry for myself. This is want I wanted. I do feel better, but still have low energy level, hoping that will get better soon.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

so far so good

I drove today to get my toenails done. Did ok with the driving, guess I have no excuse now to go to the store for some food. I have had chicken, and I cooked a pork tenderloin in the pressure cooker and the didn't give me any trouble. My biggest problem is eating to fast, must learn to slow down. I still having problem with getting enough water in each day. Probably I get maybe six glass per day. That really good concerning I didn't drink much before my band, this is life long problem. I'm not missing my diet coke the way I thought I would.   I can tell that I am losing either weight or inches maybe both the way my clothes are feeling. I have got to get to walking. I have put it off, but now its turned cold again. I will try using the little pedal wheel thing in the house tonight. I really have to start getting my streght back, Its been two week now. My incisions are healed.   I have my first fill in three week, little nervous about that. I need to call and see if I need someone to go with me. Oh well its time to go get the trash gathered up for tomorrow.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

same weight

I weighted this morning, the first time in a week and I still weight the same. I haven't lost a thing in six weeks. I have no one to blame but myself. I just can't get with the program. I still am not eating as much as I use to, but I'm not always making the best choices. I still try to peddle just not on the regular bases that I need too. I wish I didn't have a fear of dogs, I would love to get out and walk. I know I could go to the mall, but the mall is not really close. Maybe it just and excuse not to excerise. I have never been very fond of excerise. I have thought about join the Y, but I need to find out how expense that is. I really don't have a lot of extra money right now. I thought about getting a part time job, but my knees still hurt most of time. I don't know if I could stand on my knee for hours. I mustn't complain. I'm so much better off then a lot of people. I will stay the course and be glad that I haven't gained.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Really discouraged

I have not lost anything in the past week since I had my 1st fill. I don't understand, I know I'm not eating nearly has much I use to eat, but not under 1000 cal either. I getting around 1500 a day, that alone should make me lose something. I have started to pedal every time I get a chance. I have been trying to get my water. I have protien shake for breakfast. Guess I have to eat even less. I know it is harder the older we get to lose weight. I lost more when I was on weight watchers, but I alway gave up that diet after 4 to 6 weeks. The longest I was on weight watcher was 4 to 5 months and lost about 30 lbs. I did opifast back in the late 80's and lost lots of wieght, but of course I didn't keep it off. Why can't I get a handle on this. I'M NOT DUMB, I KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO TO LOSE WEIGHT. I just want the weight to come off. Guess I thought with the band it would just happen with out all the work. Maybe I'm just lazy.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

Really disappointed in weight loss

Just got back from my 3rd fill. I'm now at 2cc in my 4cc band. I hope I get some restriction now. I only lost 4.2 lbs,:angry for a grand total of 28 lbs. :angryI really wanted to lose 10 lbs a month, but only 4.2 lbs. I have started to walk need to increase that, I have to watch my fat intake, nothing that has more than 30% fat in it. Eat my protien 1st and drink more water, more water and more water. I know I'm not eating nearly as much as I use to eat, when is the scales going to start dropping. I think I will try doing the weight watchers diet, I have always lost good on it and maybe that will help me get started. I know that I have to eat my protien 1st and then my veggies. I'm not much of a meat eater so I will try to add beans and some cheese, but I have to stay away from to much cheese. I have never been able to lose when eating cheese. I use reduced fat dressing and 2% cheese, skimmed milk. I need to eat fish, have never ever liked fish unless it was fish and chips. I have not still had a diet coke and i have only ate bread twice. I have had way to many sweets, reduced fat ice cream, a couple of cookies once and while. I have made my own smoothies. I use skimmed milk, frozen strawberries, a banana, and sweetner. I'm really trying, but just don't seem to lose. I'm really really down today, maybe tomorrow I will feel better about what I have lost. I know that I haven't gained and I'm moving more. I want to buy some new clothes in smaller size, but I havn't lost enough yet to do that. It's got to get better.
carol1951

carol1951

1
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