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Still hanging on

I'm still hanging on and the weight is still here. I went to the Doc the first part of the month and had lost some since I had seem him in april or may. That was a good surprise and my Hc1 was really really good. I still need to work on portion size as I eat to much, but I still have lots of issues with stuff not wanting to go down. Yesterday was one of those day where I could eat very little esp. protien. I have a really hard time with protien. Yesterday morning I fixed some eggs, bacon and fried potatoes as I was just sick to death of cereal. After going to all the effort of fixing it I couldn't get much down. My cats loved the eggs with cheese in them and my husband loved the bacon and the potatoes just got thrown out. Lunch was a granola bar and supper was carrots and a rice casserole with not much protien except the cheese. Later I ate another granola bar. The granola bar did give me some troulbe last night as it just feels as if its just sitting there I also have trouble on these days with my med. Sometimes the feel as if the are just caught in my throat.   Even those I do have some problem I'm still glad that I have my band or I would probably be a lot heavier than I am. I still need to lose more so that I can get my knees worked on. The hurt so bad and I don't think people realize how much they hurt. Its so hard to go up and down the stairs.   As for my husband and his little friend from the office I ask what her story was and he told me some of what he wanted me to know. I'm sure there is more. She still e-mails him serveral times a week that I know of. He makes it a point to tell me when she does, but only if he thinks I know there is a e-mail. Like he will get one and reply and delete everything, but she replies back and you can tell that he had already reply once before. I think he thinks I'm stupid. He swears there is nothing going on, but he makes himself look guilt. I really don't think there is anything going on, but I guess he doesn't trust me. Maybe he thinks he is protecting me so that my feeling won't be hurt, but hiding thing just makes him look bad.   I'm so glad have this blog so that I can rant and rave when ever I want too. It helps to write it down.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

7-27-08 on the edge

I feel like I'm on the edge of very high cliff and it will only take a small push and I will be falling,falling and falling. I have only myself to blame for all my unhappiness. I keep looking for things and when I find them I'm just sick at heart.   I really don't know what to make of all the e-mails my husband gets from a former co-worker. Since he retired in April he almost always gets at least one e-mail a week from this person. Now I don't really care except he hides them from me. I know he gets them, then he deletes them. I know he replys because he gets replys back. I don't really know whats going on, but last Friday nite he got one from her home email not work and the title was "Man I could use a shoulder now." He reads them and never says whats going on, this last one he didn't delete completely off the computer. I want really bad to read it, but feel that is betraying him. I just don't know what is going on. I don't know how to ask him without sounding completely crazy.   I know he doesn't care for me like he use to. I know I disappoint him. I know I was never good enough for him. I know he hates it that I'm so fat. I know all these things why can't I just lose the weight, I know it would improve things alot. I feel as if he is ashamed to be seen with me. We never go anywhere. He never says I Love You, even through I have told him how important to me it is. I have asked to held and hugged, but he always acts like a little boy being punished. So I quite asking for him to do those things. He hates to hold hands or to kiss. What have I done wrong. I have done this for so long, that I don't really have any ideas anymore.   So tonight I feel as if I'm on the edge. I have always loved him. But he hides things from me and its not just the co-worker. There are other thing too and it hurts when you hear things from other people. Then when I say something he admits he knew, but just didn't tell me.   Life is so messy, so confusing and walls are so hard to break down.   He told me serveral years ago that he has never had an affair and he never would. I do really trust him, but it this other person that I don't trust. I just think its wrong to e-mail another persons spouse. Maybe if he told me what was going on it would be ok. I do know that she asked his to lunch sometime and I know so far he hasn't gone. Maybe I'm just to old fashioned. Maybe I'm just crazy. I do know that I'm scared that I will wake someday and he will be gone.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

7-8-09

I have not posted on my blog for serveral months now. I keep thinking things will change and I will start to lose. I'm so disappointed in myself. I know the band rules about junk foods, so now I'm trying not to have any in the house. I think that has helped me some, but I want to be thin. Thin is my dream these days. My life is all about food and what I can eat and what I cant eat. Sometimes I find myself hungry, but nothing sounds good anymore. Some of the things I want to eat I know will not go down so I just don't eat. Maybe one of these days it will all come together in my head and I will finally get my act together and just do this.   I know I'm fighting myself , but I still don't completely know why. I know that my personal life has a lot to do with it and I don't think that will change anytime soon. I wish I was a stronger person and maybe I wouldn't let things get to me.   My biggest fear is that I will die fat, or that no one will love me because I'm so fat. I sometimes feel as if my family is ashamed of me and really don't want to be seen with me. I went to the baseball game a couple of weeks ago and I was afraid I wouldn't fit in the seats. It was tight and I had bruises on my hips for the next week. Why isn't that a wake up call for me? Why don't I do something about it? I just don't understand myself. I can't blame anyone but myself for my failure. I know I have to be in control, but right now I'm way out of control.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Friends

Last night as I sat watching TV I realized that I don't have a close friend. One that you tell everything to. I keep so many things inside. Its eating me up, so I eat everything I can get my hands on. I think that why I have so much trouble in the evenings. I need to get up off my butt and do something. I'm always afraid of what people will think, so I do nothing. I don't take critism well. I'm not funny. I don't really know to talk with people. People think I'm a bitch, when in fact I'm afraid to say anything. When you have been told that your stipud, and loud you have begin to shut down and you don't talk. Once you start that process you forget how to talk with people. I always feel no one will really wants to hear what I have to said. How do I get over that. I need friendship. I have been around this web site for seven weeks and have only post a few times on the threads. I always feel no one wants to hear what I have to say. I wish I was funny, I love to read what some people write. I feel flat, like no one cares about me. So much for me and my pity party. I had a pretty good day yesterday. The calories add up so fast. I have been trying eggs for breakfast, even through I hate eggs. I found some low fat bacon bits and add some cheese, but that adds up to 300 plus calories. When you are trying to keep calorie under 1200 calories, that doesn't leave many left for the rest of the day. Maybe I'm afraid of not having food to eat. Even when I was on weight watchers I would save all my points till evening so I could eat something when I wanted to. Why do I feel it alway everything or nothing. If I mess up I give up. I have to learn to forgive myself. I guess thats one thing I have never done. I always feel everything is my fault. I never tell anyone no, not even myself. This band is going to be a real learning experience.
carol1951

carol1951

2
 

Lazy?

I have decide that I'm just lazy. Its really really hard work to lose weight and I guess I just don't want to do that kind of work. I can't eat chicken and have not for two years that goes for bread also. I have toyed with joining weight watchers again, but because I can't eat most meat I'm not sure what I would eat. I think that is part of my problem. I don't know what to eat, since most meat just doesn't want to go down.   I need to make an appointment with the doctor and see how things look. I know I havn't lost a thing in a year and I know that is part of the reason I havn't been back to the doctor.   Anyway I have decide that I'm just lazy in all things. I think I need a brain makeover so that I would start to think in a more postive way. Maybe I'm just depressed. Oh well tomorrow is a new day and things will look up, I hope.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Do You Every Feel

Do you every feel like no one understands you? Do you every feel all alone with no one at your side? Do you every feel so overwhelmed that you just want to go away some where and hid? Do you every feel like everyone you know is ashamed of you? Do you every feel like no one likes you, or wants to be with you?   These are some of my feeling today and these are some of the tiggers for my wanting to eat.   Now I just have to learn how to control the need to eat when these things are getting to me.   I hate it when people you love hid things from you. I hate it when people you love don't share things with you. I hate when people you love don't love you back the way you want to be loved.   These are some more of the trigger eating. I have learn some things in the last two years, but I still can't control my eating yet.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

Control

Here it Feb. 13th and I still at the same weight that I have been for the last serveral months. I know that I have lots of problems, but one that came to light last night is the need to control something. I have no control over so many things that I can control what I do put in my mouth. No one can tell me no. No one has to see me eat (I know everyone can till that I overeat by just looking at me.) I can eat in private, I can hide things, I can eat in the car, I can go through a drive thru and I can eat what I want. I don't want anyone telling me I can't eat. It's really the only thing I can control. The funny thing is for the last month I've been telling myself that I'm the only one that can do this. I have tried many diets and I have had lap band so far none have worked for me. I'm one that has the control to make it work. I think if I work on this maybe it will help me in the future. I know I have the control to make this work. I am in control of what I put in my mouth, no one can make me eat or make me not eat. I do all the buying and all the cooking. We really don't eat out very often. I have to start with a real effort and maybe this will work. I have to want this more than I want to eat.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

why

Why do I have this over whelming desire to eat? I know I'm not hungry right now, in fact I'm very full. But at this very moment all I want to do is go fine something to eat. I know I need to redirect and do something else. So why don't I go for a walk or go do laundry? This is the sickness that I have. Why do we eat when we know we are not hungry? It would be so much simpler if we could just take that huge devil right off my shoulder. The feeling sometimes so bad it almost all consuming. This is what I thought the band would take away from me. I really believe it would take that devil and banish him forever. Yes the band make you feel full, but it does not do away with the devil inside me. I have to learn how to handle this little devil.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

1-6-09

I went to the Y this morning and walked in the river for 35 minutes and then did 45 minutes of water arobics. Feeling really good then came home and ate all the stuff I shouldn't have. For two years I have sat here and wrote all the same things. Why do I do this. Why do I just keep on doing the wrong things. Why don't I feel like I deserve this. Why don't I love myself enough to do this. I know I don't feel good most of the time and I know that my weight is most of the problem. I have to lose weight so the will do the knee replacements so I will start to feel better. So why don't I just do it. What keeps me from doing what I know I should do.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

12-5-08

Haven't post in a month. Time just gets away from me at times. I went to the ortho doctor today and she did injections in both knees. I hope this helps for awhile. I need to get back to the "Y". I'm going to try water arobics three times a week for awhile. Been doing twice, but I have to kick start this weight lost. She will not do knee replacement till I lose more weight. I keep telling myself that I will feel better if I lose more, but the more the knees hurt the more I don't do. Stupid cycle and I know it.   Will do better, I keep telling myself that. Now I have to make it happen.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

11-04-08 election day

Well its been a long since I was here. I went on vacation and did really pretty good. I was at the my GP last week and I was done 10 lbs since I was there 3 or 4 months ago. He was happy and I was happy that all the good food we ate on vacation didn't have a bad effect on me. I did really good I don't know if it was because I was in a different place,but I just couldn't eat very much. I'm still making the all the wrong choices. All the bad stuff goes down really really to easy. I started yesterday to try to do better. I'm going to eat more protien and less carbs. I have a really bad problem with carbs. My AC1hgb was down to 5.7 which is really really good. I still haven't got back to going on a regular bases to the Y, but maybe in the next couple of weeks. Just seem like there has been a lot going on. My knees are still hurt really bad and hurt all the time. I just keep going, I know that I have to lose more weight before the will every do anything with my knees.   Oh well guess I will go stand in line to vote today. I feel it really important to do, I have never not vote in a national election.   Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Life is was to short to spend it like this.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

9-15-08

Well its been a month since I last post on my blog. I'm still not losing and its still my fault. At least I'm not as fat as I was when I started this journey. I hate to think where I would be without the band.   I leave in two weeks for vacation. I wanted to lose 30lbs, but I have lost maybe 5lbs. I guess I just don't want it that bad. I know all the reasons I should do it, but I just don't do it. I eat all the wrong things. I have so much trouble with the good stuff that I fine myself eating all the wrong stuff. The wrong stuff just goes down easier.   Oh well I haven't given up completely yet. I will try to do better each day,but no promises either.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

8-12-08

I'm so disappointed in my weight. I know I'm not doing what I should be doing, but I can't seem to help myself. What in the world is wrong with me. I'm not happy,I'm sad all the time. I just can't seem to get it together. I thought I was doing better, I had lost four pounds, but their back. I just want to give up. I guess I wasn't really ready to do this. Its been 17 months and I have only lost around 30 lbs. That is so sad and disappointing. Guess I will always be a FATTY. NO ONE in the history of the band as done worst than I have. God Help Me.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

7-7-08 slowly losing

I'm really losing slowly now, better than not losing at all. My scale says I'm down another 3 lbs in 2 weeks. I really like to lose 2 lbs a week, but I will take what every I can get. I went so long without losing anything at all, I can't hardly believe I'm losing. I just need to be patient and it will come. I really excited about losing anything. I maybe a little to tight, but not so bad that I can't live with it. I'm having some acid reflex, esp. after I take my meds. I don't know maybe I should try crushing them again. It worst at night when I go to bed. I really can't eat bread, pizza crust, muffins, or cake that is dense. I really have to chew my meat really really good. I can eat chicken salad or most salad in general. I'm have to remember to eat slowly also. If I get to hungry I forget and I will eat to fast and then it hits me. The slimming and the pain is a great reminder to slow down. My DH is on his annual campout with is high school buddys. They have done this at least 35 years, you would think that they would out grow this at some point. Believe it or not he has taken more vacations with them then he has with me. It still makes me feel like he doesn't care as much as about me as he does about them. He gets so excited about the campout. He spends weeks figuring out what to take. Making lists and emailing the other guys. They act like bunch of little kinds. Of course I won't tell him no he can't go, that would make me seem petty and bitchy. I guess it makes me mad because all the years I worked I took my vacations to take care of sick kids while he went camping with his friends or on trips to Canada with his fishing buddys. In the 38 years we have been together we have taken 5 long vacations together and maybe 10 weekend trips together. So yeah I'm mad that he still goes. Oh well it time to get busy and do thing that need to be done. I sometimes don't feel very loved.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

6-23-08 Yeah!!!!

Just back from the doctor for this month and low and behold I lost for the first time in almost a year. I lost a total of 8.2 lbs. I really do feel as if I have restriction for the first time. I hope this continues for sometime to come. I didn't get a fill this time, I will go back in 4 weeks and see how I'm doing. If I feel I need a fill (I'm eating more, or gaining weight) I can go back sooner. I have spent so much time with no restriction. I can't believe it took this long to get restriction. I'm sitting at 4.3 cc's in my 4.0 cc band. I just wonder if the miss the port when they were filling it last year, if not where did it go and why is it holding now. Oh well, no use in worrying about it, I'm just enjoying the restriction that I now have. I'm really still shooting for the 30lb weight lost before Hawaii on Sept 30th. I now have 22 lbs to go before then, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I will make that goal. I must remember to eat my protien and then veggies, then carbs. I have to drink more water and less Crytal light. I must excersise more often and regularly also. I can walk anytime is summer.   Feeling pretty good about myself right now. Now need to work on toning up the legs and arms and stomach. They are flabby and hanging and the drive me crazy with the way the look. I don't know if has anything to do with age or not.   Great month for me!!! :ohmy::thumbup:
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

6-16-08

Man am I tired. I have caught all the feral cats outside today. I have two to take to the clinic tomorrow to be fixed and I will pick up the 8 they already have. I'm very excited about having them all fixed, NO MORE BABY KITTENS. I have had these feral cats around for probably 20 years, they come and the go. I just can't take care of them any longer. I found a place here in town that will do the spade and neutering for 15.00 per cat. Thats really not that bad. I really excited. One less thing to worry about in the future. Now if the dude that owns the house next door will get off my back about the cats it will be great. They will all die out in a few years.   I'm not doing to bad with the eating. I really think the last fill has done some good. I know my portion size is way down. Now just to lose some wieght. My goal is 30 lbs by the time we leave for Hawaii on Sept 30. I think I'm on my way. I have to eat smaller bites and slow way down to eat. Some things still don't want to go down well, but I don't miss them so bad. I still have the need to eat something sweet. Had a pretty good weekend. This week has started out great.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

6-10-08

Why? Oh Why? can't I lose like everyone else with the lapband. I just don't seem to lose. I have played with the same five pounds since Feb. I do try and I know I'm not eating nearly as much as I did before the band. I must just make bad choices. Yesterday I had weight control oatmeal for breakfast, lunch I had a panni forzen sandwich the light kind, supper I had meatloaf and corn. I had for a snack yesterday small cup of rice pudding, 90 calories. That's not that much. I didn't excerise yesterday, but I did do laundry. Today I'm soooo tired. I did to water aroebic, I really like that. My joints have been so bad the past couple of days. I'm not sleeping very good right now, knee hurt even when sleeping. I have woke myself up moaning in my sleep. I know I would probably lose faster if I could do more, but guess I need to find something else to do for excerise. Walking is just hard. I always have walked a lot in the past, but every since my knee got really bad two years ago I just can't do as much.   Oh well, guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself today. So far today I have had my oatmeal and a half order of nachoes. So guess I will drink some more ice tea and get busy with house work.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

6-3-08 feeling good

Just got done with the water areobics and I'm just lovingit. I thinking of adding the 3 day a week class, I'm doing the 2 day a week class now. That would make me go to the Y 5 days a week. I don't know if I would tire of this routine or not. But walking just kills my knees.   Its been 10 days since my last fill and I just love it now. Its taken a year for me to feel as if I have a band. I now have restriction which is wonderful. I'm not eating nearly as much and I don't think I'm thinking about eating all the time either. I can go server hours without thinking about food. I feel good. I hope this last for a very long time. I know I still to work on my eating habits. I still want to go for what is easy and not what takes time. I need to think ahead about meals, but I'm not thinking of food now. Its wonderful not to be thinking of food all the time. I really want to lose this weight. I trying to increase my step count, but not doing so good at that. But the water exercise is going to help.   FEELING GREAT. Now if my knee would stop hurting so much that would even be better.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

I did it!!!!

I did it, I went to water aerobics class this morning at the Y. It was really fun and I think I like it. I will try to go again tomorrow and do either the aerobics class or walk the river. I don't know if I'm fit enought for a full blown water aerobics class. The one I did was for I arthritis. I can't belive I did it. I put my swimsuit on and did it.   I think I finally have some restriction. I'm eating only about half as much as I was a week ago. I will try to keep track of what I'm eating see what happens this week. I really want to lose wieght and right now I'm feeling pretty good about what I'm doing.   Today will be a good day.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

5-23-08

Just back from the doctors and I gained, gained, and gained. I was up 4 lbs. The nurse is so nice, she thinks I have an obsession with food. Do you think. I don't have the feeling of fullness that others have, which she said was bad for me. I can still eat 2 cups with no problem which is way to much. I have some restriction because I can't eat chicken, tuna salad and bread. But I don't have the restrictions some have where they feel as if the just can't eat one more bite or the will just up chuck everything. Why can't I have that feeling? I do get the hiccups when I'm to full so that is good. They said I need to excesise at least 30 minutes per day. They said maybe I should go back to clear liquids for a week. I don't know if I can do clear liquids but I may do just liquids for a couple of weeks. I know that will be hard on my husband, but he will just have to eat out or fix his own meals. I'm not going to cook anything for two weeks and see if I can jump start this weight loss again. I will try walking for half hour everyday. I'm still trying to get my nerve up to wear a bathing suit and start water aerobics.   I have known for sometime that I was obsessed with food and they gave me the name of a person to go to for behavior modification. I think I really need this. I just love food, but there are times when I feel as if I have no control over eating. I have a very strong desire to eat anything that I can fine. It's so strong that I feel as if I can't stop, even when I know I shouldn't be doing it. They asked if I felt hunger and yes I do. Sometimes I have actual hunger pain and stomach growling. If I get to hungering I eat to fast which upset the band. I do thing I eat a lot of the wrong foods. I think I probably eat the wrong things that go down way to easy. I know that I'm getting to much fat and to many carbs. I really do try, but as usual I'm just doing everything wrong.   I really feel like a failure. I could just cry, but I know that will not solve my problems. I have to get control of this. I really want to lose a few pounds before we go to Hawaii this fall. I have get control. I just have to, because I can't continue to be so depressed over all this. I know that being depressed doesn't help at all, it is sucking me dry. I have no energy and I feel worthless. I need to get this going now.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

5-21-08

I'm having a ok week, not great,but better than the last couple of weeks. I hope I can keep this going, I really want to lose 30 lbs before we go to Hawaii this fall. I don't think this is an unreasonable goal. I just have to be on my toes and stick with it. I really have to excersise more. I wish I could be one of those people who only eat 600 cal a day. I just don't know how they do it. I have a hard time staying a 1200 cal a day. I feel good if I stay around 1500 cal a day. Oh well I know I can't give up on this, that I have to make it work some how. I have to learn how to resist all the tempatation that out there. I have learned that I can't have Pringles in the house or cookies or most sweets.   I need to learn to let some things go and keep other things. I tend to worry to much about all things and I really do want to control all things. So you would think I could control my eating, but I don't. Its the one thing that I can count on to be good. Most of the time its is good, but there is other times I feel like its not a good as I thought it would be. Just wish I would learn to think of food as not as good as I think it is.   I must repeat this thought to myself at all times. I can do this. Its not that Hard. Food is not that good. I want to feel better. I want to have a life outside of this house. I will not be embrassed at the sight of my own body. I will not feel as if my husband is embrassed at my size. I will not feel as if my family is embrassed at my size. I will do this. I'm smart enough to figure this out. I can do this. I can do this,
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

I've not changed 5-19-08

I've not changed at all. I'm still trying to out smart the band and I still eating all the wrong things. I have not learned to give up all the thing that are bad for me. I still want it all and I know in my head that I can't do that. I start strong in the am, but by mid afternoon or evening I'm lost. I just can't stand the thought of not eating something good. I have trouble eating fruit, and I have to eat meat really slow. I have slowed down how fast I eat, but I let my self get to hungry before I eat. I tend to wait to long to eat and then eat to fast which causes the pb or pain in the chest. I have to try to fight the head hunger thing. I still need to excerise more. I fight excerise all the time. I joined the y in feb, but I have only been a few times. I'm really very self conscious about how I look, but I still continue to do the wrong things. I even went so far as to buy a swim suit for water aerobics, but to scared to put on at the y. I'm tire of what I'm doing. I need to change. I keep trying everyday,so maybe one of these day it will clink in my head. I pray about this daily and I know I will do this one of these days.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

5-1-08

Well I haven't lost a thing in a month, but I'm still holding my own. I guess I should be happy about that. I'm still wondering why I make the choices I do with food. I know that I'm addicted to food and I also just love food. I love to make it, eat it and share it with others. I'm doing better about what I keep in the house, I'm now avoiding the snacks in the house. I don't have any chips that I like in the house, no cookies either. I need now to focus on protien. They told me to eat more protien and fewer carbs. I love veggies, but I'm trying to cook less veggies and more just protien. I don't eat very much bread anymore, most of the time bread doesn't want to go down.   Well today is going to be a great day. See I say all the right things but turn right around and do just want I want to do, which is usually something to eat, which is not on the diet. I can always over eat on anything that I want to.   I really wish that they would take all food commericals off TV. They really make you want to eat all the wrong things. There is so much talk about food on the TV maybe I should learn to turn the TV off, but it is sometimes my only outlet to the outside world. Sometimes the TV makes me feel as if I will never have a normal weight, because I have so far to go and most people don't make. I want to be one of those people who make it. I want to feel good about myself. I want not to hurt all the time. I want to be out in the world and not feel like I'm a freak of nature.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

4-28-08

I have had this love affair with food since I was little. I can remember eating to much or wanting to eat more since I was maybe 7 or 8 years old. I'm trying to figure out just why I love food so much. I learned to cook when I was only 7 or 8 and I think I just loved the praise that I got. I don't remember being told that I was loved or being good at anything. I think I praise I got from cooking and it took over my life. I have always done a good job of cooking. I love to bake and I love to cook for a crowd. I don't cook much anymore since its just my husband and me. I miss that alot. I have always ate to fill that hole that is never filled. I think I have used food all my life to get that feeling of of love. I don't think I have every really felt love by anyone. I know that my husband has stay with me, but down deep I always felt 2nd best. He is not very open with his feeling and never says I LOVE YOU. He always says I should know that he loves me. I have tried to explain to him that the words make me feel good. So if he ingores my feeling just how much does he really love me ? I know that I was told very young that my mother only had me because my dad wanted another baby. I always tried to buy things for my parents in hopes that the would love me best. I always knew that my mothers farovite was my sister and my dads was my brother. My oldest brother was deaf and was alway hard to deal with and I think my dad always felt like he was not good enough, or maybe he was ashamed of him so the was never the farovite of my parents. My mother always over did with him trying to make up for his disablity. He was away at school when I was little and I did know him very well, he was home in the summer only. I don't know if this will help, but I have to put some of these thoughts down so I can begin to understand why I eat so much. Most of the time I feel like a failure and again I'm failing at losing weight.   I did go to the y this am and walked for 15 minutes. This is really good for me. I got a bathing suit and I'm going to try water arobics for people with arthritis. I hope tomorrow I will have enought nerve to actually put that suit on and get in the water. I don't think I can go for 1 hour, but will try to do it as long as I can. I have to start somewhere and my knees hurt so much. I read all the time how much better peoples knees feel after losing weight. I just have to do this, I want to do this.
carol1951

carol1951

1
 

4-17-08

It been six years ago tonight that my daddy died, I really missing him today. Its really been hard since my parents have been gone. Didn't really know how much I loved them. I wish I could just call them up and talk for awhile. Silly but I wish I could have some of their wise words to live by right now.   I'm still at a stand still. I must be the craziest person alive. I don't think I have read where anyone else is not losing, just me. 13 months and just 30lbs and holding. I know I must do better. The doctor gave me a new prescription for pain meds, so maybe that will help with the pain in my knees. I really want to walk and move more, but when I go the the y I come home and can't move much for the next couple of days. Will see if the pills help me. I want to lose this ungodly fat so the knee and joints feel better.   See what tomorrow brings.
carol1951

carol1951

1
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