Dear Fat,
.
It seems like just yesterday we began to head our separate ways even though it has now been 2 months and 1 week. I hope you have found a new purpose in life other than weighing me down, because I wish you the best. I wouldn't be where I am today, who I am today without the challenges I faced with you in my life. And I am gratefeul. But I am also happy to find myself moving on. I lose a little more of you tat was a part of me every day, and, frankly, I am feeling much better. At first, it was very hard. I was very sad and at times I regretted making the decision for our separation, but now I know that this was best for the both of us. I had to learn to do things differently; I don't think you would even recognize me now. I have given up many of the thngs we would enjoy together that helped both of us grow...figuratively and literally...but I have found new joy in new activities. Eating was lonely at first, but now I recognize food as a fuel rather than an opportunity for us to grow closer. I have replaced donuts and ice cream and lazy days on the couch with salad and chicken and bike rides. I have rediscovered that my family loves me just as muc as you did. So you can be rest assured I am doing well. I will be shopping for clothes soon...without you... and now I know it will be great! So this is goodbye--for the last time.
Yours no more,
Amanda
I have been in onederland for awhile now-well a few weeks-and my weight loss has slacked off, but I am still stoked about being under 200 pounds. I only weigh 10 pounds more than my hubby-WOW. I have only lost 10 pounds over the last month, but really that is more than I thought. I have reached the point where I can accept that stalls will happen and when they do, I quit weighing so I don't go berserk. I am in a size 12 snuggly and 14 loosely now and I am THRILLED about that. Still having issues accepting my body in the buff and am really challenging myself with strength training to rectify this. I still don't feel like I have reached my baseline strength level as far as gaining muscle mass back, and I drink protein drinks almost daily still. But I will get there. I didn't get this way in overnight! My hair has begun to really thin. I had a massive amount of hair to begin with so now it is just to the point where it is actually manageable, but i sure hope it slows down soon. I have doubled my protein powders and have added Biotin,and brush it more to stimulate the follicles, but it is still falling out. I think it is beginning to slow down, but we will see.
For the most part, overall, I am very satisfied and gratified with my surgery and I can't believe I have lost 68% of my desired weight loss already and it isn't even 4 whole months yet. WOW. I have learned I cannot eat flour tortillas or chicken strips or hot peppers or chewy bread...lol. I am sure there will be more things but these cause vomiting and pain. I am so glad I have taken this drastic step to getting my life back in control.
I am going to Six Flags tomorrow and for the first time since probably high school, I am not dreading trying to squeeze myelf into the coaster cars...how 'bout that for an NSV! And when I fly to Cozumel in december, my plane seat will be much roomier! My feet have shrunk 1 1/2 sizes!! AND I wore my husband's camo to deer hunt in tonight...lol...a bizarre NSV but a good one nonetheless. Can't wait to be able to wear his jeans in addition to the camo pants and shirts! I can get the jenas on but all my loose fat rolls get squeezed up under my boobs nd it looks terrible...lol. I can wear his t-shirts though without stretching them out of shape. And finally,I got my first back massage from my hubby since my surgery and he was complaining that my back was bony...and the massage hurt because he was grinding my skin over my bones without any of my old cushion! That was a surprise.
In other news, my promotion has been God send. I love it! I have found the perfectblend of nurse management/educator and I actually enjoy my work again! The only thing is, I can't sleep at nigh because I am thinking about work. I also am itching ALL the time. I think even though I don't perceive any stess right now, it has manifested itself with insomnia and itching and eczema flareups. Maybe too much change too soon? I think I need to see my PCP and get something to mellow me out a little or at least to shut my brain down at night so Iam not lying awake thinking about diet and exercise and work. None of these thought cycles are very rest-inducing!
I also am having self-esteem and sex drive issues. In the past, when I have lost alot of weight and even been at the weight I am now, I have had soaring confidence and my drve was out of this world, but not this time. When I look in the mirror and am in my birthday suit, I cringe at the flabby dimply mess! I don't know why this is...I have added more resistance training to tone up, but heck, I should be tickled that I am in a 14 and can actually shop places other than Lane BRYANTor in the plus sections a dept stores. And because I feel so bad about the way I look, my sex drive has not improved with all this weight loss. Hopefully in time I will tighten up and this will change.
Wow. In one week, I will be celebrating my 3 months surgiversay. I can't believe my new life. It is amazing and I am so greatful for having the surgery. In retrospect, I can see clearly how being so overweight was affecting my life in a negative way. You make your own destiny. I truly believe that. You have to be willing to reach for your goals and seize opportunites when they arise. Being fat made me reluctant to reach for anything other than food. This sounds harsh, but it was true, so very true. Being so sad on the inside and mad at myself was reflected in my choices, decisions, actions, words, looks, marriage. Once some of the heavy weight fell off, so did the heavy feelings and it has been liberating! Since the surgery, my husband has been crazy affectionate ( more so than he used to be), I have earned a promotion and a substantial raise at work, I am remodeling my house and adding a large addition, and better yet, my husband has decided to take us to Cozumel first part of December-will be my first trip out of the country! I really think that because I BELIEVE good things can come my way now, they are. Before my weigth loss, I would have dreaded a beach vacation before because that means swimsuits, I would have stressed about a promotion and gained more weight, I would probably still be indecisive about what I wanted to do with y house because I was fearful of making decisions so I just didn't make them. I have lost weight before, lots of weight, but I was always overshadowed emotionally by the fear that I would gain it back--and i DID, everytime, plus some. This time, I just know in my heart and mind, that WLS is the key to PERMANENT, MEANINGFUL weight loss because it has forced that hand of changing my lifestyle. I have NO CHOICE but to eat right and if I don't the consequences are very real, very rapid, and very lasting. Hair loss, weight gain, feeling crummy, bone disease, dehydration, and malnutrition are pretty serious tools of leverage for maintaing a better lifestyle when I choose what I fuel up with! I never thought I would get such a sense of empowerment and forward momentum after surgery--I guess because I couldn't believe it to be possible, but NOW, I can!
Don't have a whole lot to say today,just thought I really needed to update my journaling. I will say me perspective has gorwn more positive by leaps and bounds in the last week or so. I am loving my VSG...LOVING IT!!!!! YAY!!!!!! I have rediscovered my joy in exercise and what it does for my sleep and mood patterns. I have also recommitted myself to eating better. I am doing a 2 week low carb induction diet because I didn't stay low carb after my srugery--mysurgeon's advice--ao I had to go through 2 days of starch withdrawl again with headaches and lack of energy, but all is well now AND it doesn't even BOTHER me that I am limiting starches, thanks to my sleeve. I even ate at Red Lobster and passed up the cheddar bay biscuits...wow. And boy is my scale moving again. Have lost 8 pounds in 2 weeks...CRAZY!!! But I am loving that too! This is morbid, but I have found that I like watching other people eat large quantities of food---and think OMG, I am so glad I have a sleeve and can't do that anymore!!! I don't say it, of course, but I think it and it reinforces my decision to have taken this drastic measure. Never in a million yers would I have been able to make it on so little food without tis surgery and now that I can, I think it has saved my life!!!!
I am feeling better lately, not do depressed and eager to get my exercise in when I can. My hubby surprised me aby telling me he and I are going to Cozumel...alone...no kids...in January. That said, I am feeling even more encouraged to use my sleeve to the best advantage to get this weight off as fast as I can and to get in shape. It makes me excited to see him excited about the outcome. Hopefully I will have lost another 30 pounds by January. That's my goal anyway. I would be about 200 pounds and likely a size 12; it will be much easier hitting the beaches at a size 12 than 22! I am just a little unsure how to proceed with my diet. I don't know if I should do a hard core low carb or maybe like a south beach version or just focus on getting my protein and portion control with everything else. Having my sleeve in place makes me feel like th options are endless and I don't really know what to do. I am thinking for now I will focus ongetting healthy low carb sources of protein in and try to eat as wholistically and nutritiously as I can. I was eating my lime Greek yogurt this morning thinking it was good because it had 14 grams of protein and then I realized it had 20 grams of sugar! I am having 1 corn tortilla with a slice of low fat cheese melted in it for lunch most days with a few grapes or berries but I don't know if I am amping my carbs up too much. AAAAH. I feel so confused. I am only losing 1-2 pounds a week and I feel like it should be more but isn't because I don't have the diet thing figured out. I have always had "a plan" for weight loss before and now I feel like I don't...lol...even though I know my sleeve is "the plan" this time. I think I am just beginning to recognize that there is a substantial amount of work involved still and that the surgery in and of itself will not generate all the weight loss I want. At least I am feeling good enough to exercise again!
I am 5 weeks out from my surgery tomorrow. It really has been a challenging but rewarding experience and I do not regret having the surgery. I am finally eating pretty normally for a sleever and that has led to immense satisfaction compared to the liquids. I have been struggling with depression though. I understand this is pretty normal. Any other time I would have been thrilled with a 27 pound loss in a month; I find my enthusiasm over my accomplishment lukewarm at best. I think it is all related to losing food as an emotional bandaid. I knew this COULD happen but never thought it WOULD happen to me. I am getting better every day though. I have found exercise is helping and I know with time my mental dependency on food to release the feel good juice in my body will go away; I look forward to the day when food is merely fuel in my eyes. I am happy that I am at the point where people can really tell I am losing and pretty fast. My MIL saw me for the first time since day 7 postop yesterday and she was pleasantly surprised. It felt good to hear praise like that. It also feels good to be wearing clothes that have been too small for months. The only thing I feel like I haven't really figured out is issues with consitpation. Was taking MOM every other day but my surgeon wanted me to switch to Benefiber. I have but nothing is happening. Guess I will try Miralax daily maybe. I don't know yet. Overall, this has been a good thing in my life and it gets better all the time. I am so glad that if I decide to have a pity party cookie I can eat 1 or 2 and be done rather than blow a weeks worth of exercise with a whole package of oreos!
I feel like all I did was eat today. Maybe it is because I just got to start eating, IDK. Or maybe because it is time for my monthly junk binge...lol. Had a little chicken for first meal, had a little hamburger with tomatos and beans dish second meal, had a taco for third meal, THEN I had the topping off of one piece of my kids personal pan size pizza when I got home from work...AAAAH! I think this is too much food for a typical day for me, but I don't really know. The volume would make up probably half of one meal pre surgery, but I know the pizza topping and taco was probably empty calories. I hoped the junk food cravings would go away after surgery, but alas they have not. I did have a protein shake before i did any eating today too. I feel TERRIBLE about what I have, but what is done is done and I think writing it down and learning from it is the best thing for me right now. I hope I am not the only one struggling with cravings. I need to figure out what triggered today's indulgence I guess. I think PMS is a big culprit because I crave greasy salty during this time. I just have to try harder tomorrow! One day at a time I guess! I am thankful for the sleeve in that it really put the brakes on my eating BIG TIME. I haven't added back much produce yet and I think it is time to do so. I didn't realize meal planning would be just as vital after surgery as it was before and I didn't realize that the mental battle would be the biggest by far.
I went shopping with my hubby yesterday. We walked a lot, which was good and I am getting back to my old stamina now that my nausea and pain are under conrol. The thing that suprosed me most was how much I DIDN"T enjoy it. Guess why??? Because the excursion wasnt themed around what we were going to eat! My husband was thrilled by this- that everything we do isn't food centered in my mind, but I had a hard time reconciling this in my mind. I felt sad and resentful most of the day. I guess that is what they mean by grieving the loss of food...I do remind myself that this is a good outcome and what I have been longing for to keep myslef in check since I obviously could not do it beforehand, but it has opened my eyes to just how much food had become a crutch in my lifestyle. And maybe I have some emotional baggage that food has helped me avoid. The good news is maybe this bodes well for the checkbook since shopping has now lost some of it's appeal...lol. In the meantime, I need to try to move on past my depression over food deprivation and teach myself that ENJOYMENT in what I eat is not associated with VOLUME.
My Weight Chart:
>
08/01/2011--20 days out
I am a litte late getting into the support group thing. I will be honest enough to admit that I was arrogant enough to think I wouldn't need any support other than my family. Then the trouble began and I needed answers and advicce and felt compelled to seek encouragement from people wo knew EXACTLY what I was going through. My family has been great...amazing in fact...but I can't help but wonder what they would really say if they KNEW, you know? So I turned to this forum and am getting what I need for now i think. After an emotional day yesterdayI have decided today that maybe journaling my experience would be therapeutic. Anyhoo, I am feeling better and stronger today. My appt with my surgeon is tomorrow so maybe he can tell me all the nausea and pain in my left side were a fluke or from going back to work to soon and pulling something. I went on a 10 minute bike ride today and I feel better for taking another step in the right direction. I was feeling so down yesterday about feeling so sick and hurting so much and I finally cried and acknowledged that I am mad and disappointed in myself that I haven't been able to bounce right back. But I woke up today feeling like the worst is behind me so maybe it is. I haven't lost any weight for a whole week and that is frustrating too, but I have read that lots of pople plateau during the third wekk and logically I know that I cannot cotinue to consume so few calories and NOT continue to lose weight, so I just have to wait it out, I guess. Overall, i has been a rough road so far, but you kno what...my husband told me yesterday if this were an easy answer to weight loss then everybody would do it and I think he was exactly right. I have traveled this weight loss road so many times now, but in my heartof hearts, I know that I will finally find what I have been looking for and I won't go back! So for now, in the words of Dory (lol) I will "just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
I went back to work...again...yesterday although I am on light duty. That means I am neck deep in...care plans...oh joy. But it is GREAT to feel like I am getting back to normal instead of further away from normal. I was right I think last entry to feel like the worst is behind me. Saw my surgeon and there were no leaks-hallelujah! He feels lilke I pulled on the sstiches in my hiatal hernia repair and got my diaphragm all irritated and swollen again, hence the pain in my side and left shoulder and nausea and hiccups and trouble swallowin. Said symptoms are getting better everyday however-can I getta AMEN!!!! I am eating mashed potatoes now which has done wonders for my constitution...lol. Can't tolerate oatmeal but I can also eat yogurt, frozen yogurt, found a tolerable 42 gm protein shot that has helped me out a lot. I amsuppoed to stay on full liquids for another 2 weeks and then bam it's okay to have chopped foods. I am leary of that so I think I might start trying to puree some things to kind of transition. I am 23 days postop now and things are finally getting back to good. YAY! the weight loss started back again. I have lost 2 pounds in 5 days and I am tickled with that. My only complaint is I wish the stinkin' weather would COOL OFF so I can get outside and walk or bike ride with my kids. It has been 110+ degrees ALL WEEK. I'm thinking Alaska sounds good....I don't know if I can SWIM all the way to Alaska though...lol. Thanks for the encouragment from the peeps in my last post. It really makes my perspective so much less bleak when I hear that I am not alone! Good luck to all you other fishies still swimming!
I can honestly say I think my life has finally adapted to having a sleeved stomach. My food anguish is gone; my depression is resolved; I have embraced the freedom I have to know that I can eat whatever I want because I can't eat enough to "blow" my diet. The funny thing is, I don't WANT to eat all the junk that was my primary diet prior to the surgery and that is amazing. As a matter of fact, life has become so normal I am once again busy busy busy. Struggling to get all my structured exercise in because I am so busy. I am 8 almost 9 weeks out now and feel like things get better everyday. Now, I find myself eager to look at pictures of myself because I can finally see the difference. My hubby and I booked our Cozumel trip yesterday and I had a passport photo done and loved it!!! We are going the 2nd weekend in December and I hope I can lose 20 more pounds before then. I have lost 38.8 pounds so far and have been losing an average of 3-4 pounds a week, so hopefully that will continue just long eneough I can be comfortable in a bathing suit instead of ridculously large! I also have a family golf tournament coming up the 23rd of this month, and it is so nice to play unencumbered by my large chest and abdomen. I ahve a lot of practicing to do to make up for not playing this summer because of the heat, my weight, and then surgery recovery; but I am still very excited about how much more fun just playing is now. IF I COULD JUST GET OVER THIS SUMMER COLD NOW!!!
