Choosing My Future

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The Past is in The Past

I choose anonymity not because I fear judgment, but because I fear being pitied. I've always been afraid of showing any signs of weakness, especially since I grew up in an abusive household. I equated being small with being weak, and so I started to gorge on massive piles of food. I wanted to make myself as large as possible so that no one could hurt me. I was also emotionally neglected, so after a while, the action of binging was a stable source of comfort for me. Eventually the overeating led to morbid obesity. It created a thick shell for me to hide underneath. I lived my life like a zombie, never truly experiencing anything. I've sought help several times over years, never really finding anyone that could help. I've tried the weirdest weight loss techniques, from liquid diets to acupuncture. I never succeeded but I also never gave up, because I love to win. I don't believe in losing, and to me, the only way to fail is to quit. It was actually a school counselor that helped spark a the greatest change in my life. I told her about how my childhood severely affected the way I act today, preventing me from doing many things that other "normal" people could do. She replied with something so simple, but it felt like a slap in the face. "The past is in the past." It seems so stupid and obvious, but she was the first person to sense that I needed someone to carve that into my mind. The past is over, and none of the horrors of my childhood can actually physically hurt me. She told me that the only way I can ensure that the past does not seep its way into my future is to change my present actions. I decided to take more control of my life. I was afraid of being fully in control because I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to treat my body properly. I didn't want to fail miserably and have all the blame fall on me. I was so used to blaming my weight and childhood for things going wrong. If I took this weight loss journey into my own hands, then I might be severely disappointed. I knew I had to rely on a group of people, dietitians, physical therapists, surgeons, and behaviorists. But to me, opening up to people was more painful than the surgery. I'm not an overly social person, I have trouble trusting people even though I loyally love and appreciate everyone who manages to claw their way into my life. The older I got, the harder it became for me to live. It's hard being overweight in the entertainment industry. It's hard to volunteer and take care of animals while carrying such a heavy weight. Even college seemed difficult, it's hard to get support as an international student. I never had trouble learning and was always the student that got by with A's despite doing little work. I was constantly harassed and berated at my school, due to both my weight and ethnicity. Somewhere along the way, my body desperately pushed me towards the option of having surgery. It was in my mind after seeing several close friends lose a staggering amount of weight. I always tried hard to do it the natural way, but many conditions such as PCOS, PTSD, and addictions kept preventing me from achieving the results I deserved. I spent months with a personal trainer and didn't drop a single pound. The sneers I received at the gym constantly made me question why I even bothered. I'm not here for them. I'm not doing this for them. I'm doing this for myself, so that I can finally be free. I was dedicated and ready to change my life, and a very great opportunity opened up for me to have the vertical sleeve done. It's only been 4 days since I had the surgery but I already feel myself getting stronger than ever before. I have great hope for the future, and am learning to appreciate the present for what it is. I will be discussing my journey in its entirety so that anyone contemplating WLS can be fully prepared as to what to expect. In the next few entries I will be discussing how I successfully followed the 2 week pre-op diet without cheating, the exact process of surgery for my situation, and helpful tips on shaving/makeup in the hospital for women with PCOS. I appreciate any comments/suggestions and hope that my entries can help another person create a better future for themselves. Thank you for reading =)

Madison

June 9, 2011

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