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My LapBand Journey

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March 21

Yay- journals are back!   Today is the beginning of week 4 since the surgery. It's hard to believe that the time has gone so quickly. I am still at 254 and think I will be stuck here until I get my rear in gear and begin to exercise consistently.   Eating real food is good but I find that I want to keep eating even after I am "full." It's been a weird couple of days with that sensation and I just have to work through it.   I am still very happy that I got the band. My goal now that I really feel healed and back to normal is to maximize the band for me. I am ready to DO IT.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

February 8

SO, my surgery was changed to February 21st due to a scheduling glitch. Not a big deal in the scheme of things but it screws up the plans I had for help with childcare etc for the week. It will all work out but just adds to my anxiety a bit. I had a strange night last night. I am trying very hard to maintain my weight right now and am really fighting last meal syndrome. All of my good intentions went haywire last night and I ordered 4 different chinese apps and proceeded to eat them all. It was certainly not one of my proudest moments. Hopefully, it's out of my system for now b/c I must say that I felt like CRAP afterwards and my stomach is still upset this morning. I feel like I am on this weird countdown and I just wish I was checking into the hospital this morning to start the next phase of my life.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

I'm back and going to try journaling again

Well, it is now November 29th and I have had a very strange few months with the band. I had the whole blueberry incident on 8/22 and that really set things haywire for me. A complete unfill until the middle of November was not helpful- now I finally feel back on track. I realized though that when I was able to eat more, I did eat more. Gotta work on this.   Julie
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

February 10

I had my pre-op appt today and it went well except that it lasted for 3 hours. :help: Most of the time I was waiting to see the different people that needed to see me so it was really tedious. I am all set though and unless something significant shows up in my blood work (which I can't imagine it would!) then the surgery will be at 10am on 2/21.   I start the liquid fast tomorrow and have decided to let go of all of the anxiety that I have surrounding it. Yes, I am going to be hungry, yes it's going to be hard and yes I am nervous. BUT I can't let it rule all of my thoughts over the next 10 days. I am going to focus on the fact that I am preparing for a new life and it's time to start learning how to shake the grip that food has on me.   I am ready to take off the fat suit and find me again.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

February 11

I weighed myself today and I am hoping that this is the highest weight that I ever see for the rest of my life. Mark is going to take a picture of me later in my bathing suit and I'm going to jot down my measurements tonight when I take a shower. This way I know exactly where I am starting from.   I am very hungry- slim fast is just not that filling. I am just trying to work my way through each minute. Mark is being great- he's grocery shopping with Emily right now so that he and the kids have food and I don't have to even think about it.   I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I am having surgery in 9 days. It doesn't quite seem possible.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

March 25

We went away for an overnight to Albany, NY to look at a few properties and to rent an apt. I had to do 3 meals out and we even stopped at Mcdonalds. What a difference my life is now with the food. Mcdonalds: 1 cheeseburger and a water Breakfast: Low carb omelet with mushrooms and 1 piece of bacon Lunch: Artichoke and spinach dip Dinner: 98% fat free clam chowder   Things have just changed so much and I am slowly feeling the addiction to eating all of the time starting to let go of me. I know it's a demon I will always fight but not being hungry all of the time is so liberating. I never used to feel satisfied until I stuffed myself but now I can't do it anymore. I've slowed down because I have to and even my worst choices now are better than my best choices were before! I exercised 2 times last week and plan to bump it up this week since my head cold is finally going away. Bandster life certainly gets better as the weeks go on. Amen.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

February 13

Well, I am losing weight with the pre-op diet so that is the good news right?   Actually, it's weird because I am really hungry but almost feeling like I am starting to let go of these demons that keep telling me I can't do this. I think it's because I am on day 3 of the liquids, haven't cheated once, and am feeling a bit proud of myself. It sure is a constant struggle and I hope it gets easier on day 4 but I have faith that I will do it. Plus, a real bonus would be to have the surgery 10 pounds (or so) lighter than I am now!   Otherwise, Mark and I are just trying to work out the logistics of the week. We mainly need help with the kids and getting them home and stuff. Thank God for family support. My parents are being amazing. My Mom even came to work today to have lunch with me and brought her own shake. :eek:
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

February 14

Today I am really hungry. I thought it was supposed to be easier by day 4 but not yet. I'm hanging in there but I think I might have to go to bed really early tonight. :notagree   I just hope that doing this liquid diet will help me to understand and control that initial hunger that I keep reading about that seems to happen a few days after the surgery. I wonder if the ppl who are hungriest are those who didn't have any sort of pre-op diet? I imagine that the hunger I feel now is the same hunger they feel post-op? Who knows but it is food for thought.   The thing I am worried about giving up the most is soda. I really love Diet Coke- I love the fizz. I figure that I am just going to be done with it and we won't have it in the house anymore. Mark said he'll drink it at work and won't care if it's at home or not. I am happy that Em and Myles won't see me drinking soda all of the time anymore. I'm not a very good role model for them in that aspect.   Julie
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

February 15

Today was much better. In fact, I barely felt any "real" hunger. The head hunger is pretty rough but even that is better than yesterday. I think that I actually believe that I can do this and that is a miracle. I have been doing so much thinking and I can't believe how this weight has really cost me my confidence, self-esteem, and joy. I finally feel hope and I'm going to roll with it.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

February 17

10 pounds down and I screwed up today. I took the kids to Friendly's for dinner and was going to have a salad and diet coke. Well, I just lost it when I saw the menu and ordered buffalo chicken fingers and a BLT and proceeded to eat it. I don't know why- I was wracked with guilt and actually felt very sick by the end. That was an hour ago and I've had diarreah 4 times since. Yuck and now of course the negative self talk keeps happening. I will NOT screw up the next few days of this liquid thing. I just don't know why I choose to set myself up to fail. this is something I struggle with. do I not deserve to lose the weight? why not? I do deserve it and sometimes we make mistakes. I told my thin sister and she told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on. She said she overeats too sometimes but the difference is that she doesn't beat herself up and think she's a bad person like me...... why can't I just be normal?
Julie*

Julie*

1
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