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About this blog

My LapBand Journey

Entries in this blog

 

The Beginning

Well, the time for my probable surgery is getting closer so I thought it would be a great idea to record my thoughts/feelings/emotions as I begin this journey. It's weird because part of me can't even believe that I am at a point where I need lap band surgery. Surely it can't be true but it is and now I've decided to embrace what I hope/believe will make me feel and look like the woman I am on the inside.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

March 9

Hungry Hungry Hungry but hanging in there. I'm finding that I have to eat something when I get home at 3pm but I guess that would be my snack of the day since I don't eat again after dinner. I lost a pound so that's good but I doubt I'll lose much more w/o restriction or lots of exercise. Then again, even if I feel like I'm eating too much it's SO much less than normal.   My friend told me today that she believes I can unlearn head hunger. This is certainly a new thought for me. Her point was that head hunger is a learned behavior so why can't it be unlearned? I have to think about this one for awhile.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

March 7

I had my 2 week follow up appt today and the surgeon said that I am healing very well. I thought I only was on mushies for one more week but he said I can start solids at the beginning of the 4th week. I can't figure out why I thought it was the beginning of the 3rd week. I'll have to pull out my paperwork but even if that is incorrect I obviously am going to follow Dr. Forgione's recommendation. I'm starting to get hungrier though and am worried that I am eating too much creamed stuff that is high in calories and sodium. This diet is so bland though that I can't figure out what to eat. I'm almost wondering if I should just go back on the shakes for another 2 weeks at breakfast and lunch and then have soup for dinner. That would keep within the calories that I want to be in and stop the overeating of soup. LOL- Never in my life did I think I would eat too much soup!   It's also time for me to start exercising the doc said. My plan is to get on the treadmill tonight when Mark gets home. My goal is to exercise every day even if it's just 15 minutes a day to start.   I am struggling a bit with wanting to eat more when it's time to stop. I am sad to find out how much food I was consuming once I analyzed it. I've touched on this before and I think it's a a recurring theme for me. I just hope that the hold food has on me will start to go away.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

March 5

Just got back from an overnight in Montreal with the kids and Susan, Ericson, and Andy. We had a great time but it sure was weird not really being able to eat. I found it interesting that for lunch I had my slimfast, then had a yogurt around 5pm and the insides of a manicotti at 8:30. Wow- that would've been 1/2 of one meal just a few weeks ago. It was so weird not having the bread, the salad and a whole entree. But it wasn't bad at all just different. I am still at 259 but that's ok. I am going to start exercising on Tuesday when I am 2 weeks out. My goal is to get on the treadmill every day. I want this to work and I'm so happy about it now.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

March 25

We went away for an overnight to Albany, NY to look at a few properties and to rent an apt. I had to do 3 meals out and we even stopped at Mcdonalds. What a difference my life is now with the food. Mcdonalds: 1 cheeseburger and a water Breakfast: Low carb omelet with mushrooms and 1 piece of bacon Lunch: Artichoke and spinach dip Dinner: 98% fat free clam chowder   Things have just changed so much and I am slowly feeling the addiction to eating all of the time starting to let go of me. I know it's a demon I will always fight but not being hungry all of the time is so liberating. I never used to feel satisfied until I stuffed myself but now I can't do it anymore. I've slowed down because I have to and even my worst choices now are better than my best choices were before! I exercised 2 times last week and plan to bump it up this week since my head cold is finally going away. Bandster life certainly gets better as the weeks go on. Amen.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

March 21

Yay- journals are back!   Today is the beginning of week 4 since the surgery. It's hard to believe that the time has gone so quickly. I am still at 254 and think I will be stuck here until I get my rear in gear and begin to exercise consistently.   Eating real food is good but I find that I want to keep eating even after I am "full." It's been a weird couple of days with that sensation and I just have to work through it.   I am still very happy that I got the band. My goal now that I really feel healed and back to normal is to maximize the band for me. I am ready to DO IT.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

March 2

I am feeling so much better- kind of like my old self but 16 pounds thinner!   It's rough though trying to work on breaking these head hunger habits of mine. I never really understood how much I was going to the fridge and how many calories I was unconsciously putting in my mouth until I really had to pay attention.   Today I ate too many mushies. Who would've thought it possible? LOL I found that cream of chicken soup tastes so much better with mushed saltines and sour cream on it. It really did taste like a meal but I know it was way more calories than I am supposed to have. DH told me that as long as I am not eating things not on the mushie list that I shouldn't worry as much about the quantity- all i know is that my caloric intake is SO much lower than before, even with that extra sour cream, which was lite by the way.   Tuesday is 2 weeks and I plan on starting to exercise daily once I feel healed enough. Week one goal is 15 min per day on the treadmill and then I'll go from there.   I am hopeful that this might actually happen for me.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

March 16

Still holding steady at 254 and really getting ready to eat solid foods. I am finding that I am very cranky by the end of the day. I think it's also b/c of this weird gas pain that I am having on my left side. It seems to be easing up a bit today so my fingers are crossed that it will just go away.   We leave for Florida in 6 weeks and I would so love to be down another 10 pounds. Not sure if that is realistic though. I have to start exercising but just feel so tired at night still. I think it's time to just do it and stop thinking about it.   I really do feel better physically though. I'm not as achy and it feels so good to have my clothes fit better and not feel so tight all of the time. I can't wait for the day that I have to buy a smaller size. That certainly hasn't happened in many many years.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

March 13

Well, I've had a pretty big weight drop the past few days. I have now lost 21 pounds. I haven't really exercised yet but I am sticking to 4 eating episodes per day and just having my soup, mushy crackers and fruit smoothies at night. I do feel hungry alot though and realize now how this would not work for me w/o the band. I would already have found something to binge on!   I will be happy to have real food again next week though eating slow is going to be a struggle for me. The good news is that I don't seem to be craving soda much these days. Who would've thought I would go 3 weeks w/o a diet coke.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

March 11

9 days of mushies left! I'm finding that my mood has levelled off a bit the last day. Plus, I'm down 18 pounds so I feel like it's working and that helps with my moods. I found some good soup recipes for mushies that I am going to try tomorrow. My SIL is here this weekend and I don't really want to try new stuff with her here in case she asks any questions. That's the last thing I need!   I get a bit worried reading about slippage and stuff and just hope that my band is kind to me.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

January 31

Well, it looks like the surgery is happening for sure on February 20th. I had an appt this morning and they finalized everything. I have my pre-op on Feb 10th and then start my liquid phase that day. My nerves are everywhere and I've started a long to-do list of what needs to get done before the surgery. This is always the way I cope with things so I even laugh at myself as I write down this list.   I'm happy, excited, scared, and nervous all at the same time.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

January 27

I'm feeling more hopeful and today will be day 4 of exercise and eating better. I am trying to change my thinking- eating well and exercise is a GOOD thing and not deprivation.   I think this attitude will serve me well when I have the surgery. Now the goal is to actually believe it long term and not in these short stints.   Otherwise, I'm really getting excited and nervous to find out if the surgery will be February 20th. If not, I may want until this summer since we will be at Disney World the first week of May. I just don't want to be 4-6 weeks out from surgery and trying to enjoy a family vacation.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

January 25

I am going to copy/paste an email that I sent to my Monday night group therapy/weight loss class.   Thought I'd give you an update about my lap band appt yesterday with Dr. Forgione (the surgeon). Well, the first frustrating part was that I had gained THREE pounds in the last week. He was kind but told me that any more weight gain was unacceptable and that surgery would be cancelled. I was really embarassed and upset but realized that I ate like crap over the weekend and Monday night and didn't exercise. What did I think was going to happen???? So, last night I was back on the treadmill and have vowed to log all of my eating this week and get in my exercise. I am planning on going back over there next Tuesday to weigh in to chart my progress.   He also told me that my Upper GI showed that I have a small hiatal hernia. Basically it's when your stomach starts to go into your esophagus and it's very common with overweight women. Mine is very small and I have never felt any symptoms. So, he told me yeseterday that when he goes in laproscopically he may find that he has to repair the hernia that day and not do the banding until a different time. He is quite hopeful that he won't but wanted me to be aware.   I'm pretty concerned about that but trying very very hard to stay positive. Tentatively, surgery is scheduled for Feb 20th but I will hopefully know more before our meeting next week. ___________________________________________________________   Well, I wrote that email 2 days ago and I am feeling much better. If I have a hernia that needs to be repaired I would rather fix it before I have the surgery and risk a greater chance of slippage.   I'm working on the food. I had 2000 calories yesterday which is too many but am happy to report that I've been on the treadmill for 30 minutes each day. I've decided that I get NO days off with exercise. Once I give myself a little wiggle room I just don't do it. I'm trying to make it as natural as brushing my teeth- wouldn't that be a wonderful thing?
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

January 20

I have an appt on Tuesday and am worried that I've gained a couple of pounds. I'm supposed to lose 14 pounds before the surgery not gain a couple. My weight has held steady since October and I feel that is an accomplishment to tell you the truth. I'm feeling a bit like every big meal could be my last and it's really hard to fight those feelings. I'm just taking it day by day and really trying hard to do positive self talk.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

January 2, 2007

Well, I've been doing better with food but things have just remained stagnant with my weight loss. I seem to have been lacking the full motivation to take things to the next level. DH and I decided to do nutrisystem for the next month to help us out a bit. I still struggle with portion control and get really flustered when I don't have the foods I need on hand. We thought that this would help me get the portion control down pat while stopping the struggle with menu planning. I think that I'll only buy the food for a couple of months and that should help me out. Already today it's been a relief to just go pick something out and eat it- the best part is that both of the things I've had have been satisfying and filling.   I get bummed out sometimes that weight loss is still such a struggle with the band. I thought it would be easier but it's not for me. Thank God for my continued therapy. It is shocking to me what a hold food has had on me- I never understood how much I hid behind it and how much it kept my emotions in check. Now I am a basket case all of the time but Elena says it's years of suppressing things finally being resolved.   I hope that getting all of this under control will be a route to happiness for me. I have such a good life and I just want to enjoy it more.
Julie*

Julie*

3
 

I'm back and going to try journaling again

Well, it is now November 29th and I have had a very strange few months with the band. I had the whole blueberry incident on 8/22 and that really set things haywire for me. A complete unfill until the middle of November was not helpful- now I finally feel back on track. I realized though that when I was able to eat more, I did eat more. Gotta work on this.   Julie
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

February 8

SO, my surgery was changed to February 21st due to a scheduling glitch. Not a big deal in the scheme of things but it screws up the plans I had for help with childcare etc for the week. It will all work out but just adds to my anxiety a bit. I had a strange night last night. I am trying very hard to maintain my weight right now and am really fighting last meal syndrome. All of my good intentions went haywire last night and I ordered 4 different chinese apps and proceeded to eat them all. It was certainly not one of my proudest moments. Hopefully, it's out of my system for now b/c I must say that I felt like CRAP afterwards and my stomach is still upset this morning. I feel like I am on this weird countdown and I just wish I was checking into the hospital this morning to start the next phase of my life.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

February 6

This Friday is my pre-op appt and the first day of my 10 day liquid fast. I find myself wanting to enjoy "every last meal" and then find myself thinking that I am being ridiculous. Isn't the goal a new attitude with food? I have only been working on this for years now!   I am so hopeful that the lapband is going to be the thing that finally helps me to get control. I read about others successes and I don't even dare to hope you that soon it will be my turn. I just want to get the show on the road- the anticipation is killing me.
Julie*

Julie*

2
 

February 28

I'm having some weird mood swings. I know it's the week before my period which normally is a moody week but I just don't feel that great. Maybe I have the mushy blues? I am doing fine sticking to mushy and blended stuff but I am having a hard time sticking to a 1/2 c. I am trying to figure out if it's head hunger or physical hunger..... My calories are still SO much lower than normal but I don't want my stomach to have to work harder than it's supposed to right now. I am just so anxious to heal and start seeing what I can do with this band. It's hard to wait more.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

February 26

I blended cream of potatoe soup today with creamy tomato verd... something or other and it was SO good. I ate more than a 1/2 cup but didn't stuff myself. I stopped when I needed and had a shake for breakfast and dinner so as not to make the band work too hard. This is hard work already and it's only just begun. I think it will better when I am able to eat and exercise like a normal person. This healing phase is pretty rough.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

February 25

I had my first full liquid this morning and it went down just fine. I am feeling even better today though my abdomen is still very sore. I am 261 this morning:clap2: and quite pleased. Yesterday was a really rough day for me and I didn't realize how bad it was until I woke up feeling better this morning. I think I was really scared about not having food as the same crutch anymore. I felt incredible urges to eat and I wasn't even hungry. It was awful. This morning I feel better and just want to keep healing. I have 2 days of full liquids and then I go onto mushies for 2 weeks. Yesterday I was scared I made the wrong decision. Today I don't feel that way. Phew.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

February 24

Today is day 4 and I'm feeling alot better. I had a bad bout of vomiting the first night home and was sure that I ripped my band right out. No more pain meds for me and I'm feeling much better. I removed the outer bandages today as well and the cuts don't look that bad. I can't wait to be more healed though. Tomorrow I start full liquids and I can't wait b/c today I feel pretty weak and tired. I did put a bit of peanut butter on my tongue and that tasted pretty good but I certainly don't want to overdo anything.   I just hope that I made the right decision and this band works well with my body. I kind of miss food right now- it's head hunger talking and just something I have to work through. Being home for the past few days has made me realize how much food takes me through the day. Weird.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

February 22

Home and banded! Everything went well according to the surgeon. I am really really sore but that's to be expected. I'm working on sipping slowly- things feel weird inside. I'm so happy to be on this side of things.
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

February 20

I am so glad that surgery day is tomorrow. The anticipation is killing me these past couple of days. I have done well with the liquids and am proud of myself (except for my slip!) and my liver should be nice and small. I lost 10 pounds total and I hope and pray that this is the beginning of good things for me in terms of my body. Wish me luck- I can't wait for the next few days to be over.   Julie
Julie*

Julie*

1
 

February 17

10 pounds down and I screwed up today. I took the kids to Friendly's for dinner and was going to have a salad and diet coke. Well, I just lost it when I saw the menu and ordered buffalo chicken fingers and a BLT and proceeded to eat it. I don't know why- I was wracked with guilt and actually felt very sick by the end. That was an hour ago and I've had diarreah 4 times since. Yuck and now of course the negative self talk keeps happening. I will NOT screw up the next few days of this liquid thing. I just don't know why I choose to set myself up to fail. this is something I struggle with. do I not deserve to lose the weight? why not? I do deserve it and sometimes we make mistakes. I told my thin sister and she told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on. She said she overeats too sometimes but the difference is that she doesn't beat herself up and think she's a bad person like me...... why can't I just be normal?
Julie*

Julie*

1
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