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mental journey of WLS

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My turn! Getting sleeved in 36 hours.

This coming Monday won't be a typical one. I am a willingly driving myself to a hospital and paying someone thousands of dollars to staple off and remove 85% of my stomach.   How did I get to this place? What made me so unable to control what I put in my mouth that I have to take such drastic measures?   Don’t get me wrong. I’m not unsure about my decision. Not even scared, really. Just perplexed by how I became a person who needs to go this far to fix myself. I’m not an emotional eater. I’m not a bored eater. I just like to eat. I eat the wrong things and too much of them. I love fried food and pizza and ice cream more than I like carrots and rice cakes. I can modify my diet for a while…3 months or 1 year or 4 years. But I ALWAYS go back.   No more. It ends in 36 hours. I may not understand it and probably never will…but the step I’m taking in 36 hours will help alter my behavior forever. I have high hopes that it will, anyway. Best case scenario would be that I lose my craving for those old favorites that got me to 300#, and/or have repercussions for eating them. Even if I don’t, having a restrictive tool which forces me to eat smaller amounts will be a blessing. Cause I’ve proved time and again that the solution is beyond me.   I'm excited! Ready! Next time I blog I’ll be on the other side    
Douceur72

Douceur72

3
 

Surgery date in hand. I am beyond ready.

Amazing how fast the last few months have gone. I am finishing up grad school this week (last test is Tuesday woot woot!) and soon thereafter I will be embarking on another huge undertaking – getting sleeved.   I’ve complained about this on the boards a couple of times but will say it one more time…the pre-op classes are simply ridiculous. I can honestly say I got nothing out of them. The only semi-interesting class was a one-year post-op RNY patient who talked about the challenges and victories he had experienced. The rest were beyond lame. But, it’s over now Once I completed my last class, the surgeon’s nurse navigator got my paperwork submitted to Aetna and exactly 7 days later called to say I was approved! I was really expecting it to be more difficult than that. I met with the Surgeon 6/1 (before this, had only seen him at the seminar in December 2010) and had a good conversation in which he answered all of my questions and made me feel 100% comfortable with my decision to move forward. After we were done he had me talk with his scheduler, who got me on the roster for June 20. Sweet! I probably still won’t believe it until I’m driving to the hospital that morning.   Since I don’t have a PCP the surgeon will just do my H&P the morning of surgery. He doesn’t do any type of pre-op testing. Interesting because here on the boards some people need sleep apnea studies, testing for hernias or h-pylori, etc. He does not require any of that. Which is cool because I am pretty sure all of those are negative for me and I hate when unnecessary testing is done.   I have to go to one more nutrition class on June 9, which revolves around how to eat pre- and post-op. I actually start the pre-op diet June 10…the first few days will be challenging because I have visitors in town that I rarely get to see, and usually we eat out and drink wine, etc. But I will manage. The good news is that from the literature the surgeon’s office has given me, I think it’s pretty good as pre-op diets go. It’s only 10 days and I get mushy stuff, am not restricted to liquids like others sometimes are.   Emotionally, I feel great. I feel ready to kick fat in the ass. I am not nervous at all. This may change as the date approaches, but as of now I feel at peace with my decision.   The main issue on my mind right now about two weeks out is, whether or not to tell anyone. I do have a great family but truly just want to keep this private. Maybe I still have a little shame, I don’t know. My mom is a true supporter of me, however she has been through a lot the last few years (cancer, heart failure) and has developed a pretty significant amount of anxiety. I rarely see my siblings due to distance and they are great people however…skinny people. And I don’t think they would understand. Co-workers, I absolutely do NOT want to know because I feel they will forever scrutinize what I eat. That leaves friends. There are a few close ones I have considered telling. Despite the fact that they are thin I think they’d be on board with my decision because they have seen me fluctuate so much over the years. Anyway, still not sure. As surgery approaches I’ll decide what to do.    
Douceur72

Douceur72

0
 

Hoping for June...Pumped and ready! Weight 280# BMI 40

I’ve decided to start blogging to create a chronological record of my mental journey through WLS. It will be therapeutic for me not only as I write, but also months or years down the road if/when I find the need to revisit my current mindset in the height of the decision process.   My story is similar to many on the Vertical Sleeve Talk forum. I first realized I was heavy in grade school. Of four kids in my family, I was the only heavy one. My siblings were, and still are, of average weight without any special effort. My parents did not treat me differently, or feed me differently. I was just always bigger. I evened out in junior high and high school as sports consumed my life. I gained in college, and remember being shocked and saddened the first time I weighed in at over 200#. I knew if I didn’t change I was destined to end up like my dad.. a magnificent man by all means, but who could never get a handle on his weight and died young of complications of diabetes. Through my twenties and thirties I managed to successfully lose significant amounts of weight (40, 70, 90 lbs) and keep it off for years, but inevitably…well, you know. Not sure exactly where I topped out, but I vaguely recall a doctor's scale that read around 305# six years ago.   So why WLS? Why now? Last year, after losing 25# on weight watchers at work and gaining back 30, I began to have symptoms of diabetes. Thirst, vision changes, and some tingling and stabbing sensations in my toes. My dad lost one of his lower legs to diabetic neuropathy before he died so this really hit home with me. It was time for our insurance-required health fair, so I braced myself for the bad news that diabetes had found me. I was completely shocked that my blood work was fine – both fasting glucose and A1C were normal. I had dodged a bullet. I took the news as a blessing but also KNEW there was no more time to mess around with my weight. That now, at age 38, it was time to find a solution that would stick.   I knew little about WLS. I had formed the opinion over the years that it was the easy way out, for people who were lazy. I only knew of the lap band and bypass, and neither sounded appealing. I had only heard the bypass nightmares of uncontrollable bowels and vitamin deficiencies, and the lap band freaked me out because of the implanted plastic. Toward the end of 2010 I felt desperate and that I had failed too many times to truly believe I could do it on my own. I made an appointment for the WLS seminar but was REALLY embarrassed to go. Walking in the door that December night was honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I felt like I was giving up, that I was a failure.   Upon checking in to the seminar, the nurse navigator took a look at my insurance card and said “Lucky you! Your insurance pays for the sleeve!” Sleeve? I had no idea what she was talking about. I took the folder of info and scurried to my seat in the back of the room. As the surgeon explained the procedures I became more confused. I had no idea the band was so much maintenance – yuck. No change on my opinion of bypass, that wasn’t for me. This sleeve procedure… I do like how it minimizes the hunger hormone and that the valve stays intact… but removing 85% of my stomach – no way!   In the days following the seminar my head was swimming with info and I was so unclear on which surgery was best for me, that I all but concluded that none of them were. I went ahead with my first nutrition visit in December, just in case I decided to proceed. I spent one hour with the nutritionist and one hour with the surgery coordinator, and left feeling confident that WLS was indeed a good option for me. It was my first real conversation with anyone about it. It was the first time I had heard WLS called a 'tool' and I found that practical definition very empowering. I heard success stories as well as failures. I learned statistics on the benefits WLS can have on each body system, as well as statistics on diabetes, heart disease, and the other weight-related monsters that were lurking. I got frank answers to my questions, lots of written materials, resources, a video tape on the surgeries, book recommendations, and a plan to begin changing my eating habits. I giggle when I think back about how shocking it was to learn that day I would have to give up diet Coke. At that moment it was almost a deal breaker…now it seems so trivial.   Around that time that I also found VST and OH. What a wealth of information! The discussion boards and articles I found there made me certain that the SLEEVE is my choice! Since I made the decision I have had absolutely no second thoughts.   I am still going through the six month pre-op classes. The January class was an hour long talk by a post-RNY patient. He had lost something like 160 pounds and gave a recount of his experience, good and bad. Overall he had no regrets. The February class was completely worthless imo, it was the diabetic educator from the hospital talking about how to recognize hypoglycemia and how to remedy it. The next class is tomorrow. After that, only 2 more to go! Although my BMI is right on the line for approval, I try not to worry much about insurance denial. I am comfortable that the surgeon’s staff knows all of the insurance innuendos and will do a good job of getting me approved. My last class in May so I’m anticipating June for surgery. When I began all of this the six months seemed like an eternity…but it’s going so fast!   I also had the psych eval a couple of weeks ago – a great experience. The psychologist sees tons of WLS patients and gave great insight. She made me feel even more confident in my decision. After listening to me talk about past weight loss experiences she assured me that I have the dedication, and that the sleeve will be a good tool to help me manage my eating habits long-term. She said among the obese there are emotional eaters, and those who simply have bad habits. But regardless of the cause, after WLS it’s imperative to have replacement habits to fill the emotional or habit void. Most of her patients who have maintained healthy weight 2-3 years out are much more likely to succeed long term as they have ingrained healthy behaviors. Interestingly she said many people forego support groups/therapy the first year because they are in the ‘honeymoon’ phase and in the excitement of losing weight tend to ignore the mental aspect. She recommended OA or 1:1 therapy every 3 months or so post-op for a while to encourage open dialogue about the habit changes necessary to be successful. I think it’s great idea. I’d love to see her again post-op and hope insurance will cover, if not I may look up the OA schedule.   I look forward to a very different life once the weight begins to come off. More than anything I want to travel to exotic places and partake in all of the unique and challenging activities that go along with that. I want to climb a mountain, scuba dive, bike 50 miles in one sitting, and all of the things I loved in the past. I look forward to having more confidence as I’m finishing up grad school and will be interviewing for some amazing jobs.   There is so much I will gain after WLS!!! - Fitting into Misses sizes (can’t wait to see what size I am at goal)! - The unparalleled high from running endorphins - No more ripped butt seams or button pop-offs - Saving money on fast food - Ability to cross my legs comfortably - Being able to stand from sitting without having to push up with my arms - No more avoiding the camera - Multi-positional sex with my young hottie bf - Not having to pull the car seatbelt out so far - Climbing the stairs to my office without wheezing for 10 minutes after - Not having bras dig into my side boobs by the end of the day - Boundless energy and a sharper mind   Aside from all of the ‘feel good’ gains, I hope to never lose sight of the ultimate benefit of WLS: H E A L T H. This tool will help me keep diabetes away, as well as other potential chronic problems that go along with morbid obesity. My only current health problem is PCOS, and once I am below 200# my ob/gyn has agreed to take me off of the metformin that controls that – yippee! I’ve taken met every day since October of 1999.   So, future Beth...this is why I decided to have WLS. I understand the sleeve is merely a tool, and that I can never forget it’s there, or abuse it. I know that there will be challenges in adapting my behavior and right now I have the attitude of BRING IT! I am so motivated, so excited by the possibility that I can live at a comfortable weight for the rest of my life.
Douceur72

Douceur72

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