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My Life As Liz

A blog by My Life as Liz

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Or at least the weight loss part of my life

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Bad news I'm afraid

... sort of? About 2 years ago I had what I and then ER people thought was a gallbladder attack. I had eaten terribly (chicken fajitas, the onions and peppers cooked in butter and oil =x on top of over eating) and started feeling sick. You know that, 'if I could only throw up I'd feel better' feeling. Well, I started throwing up and couldn't stop. So we went to the ER (which at the time was 20 miles away, before they finished building the one in my town, not that this is a necessary detail). They gave me morphine, IV fluids, contrast solution for a CT scan, and other exams. They told me my gallbladder looked "sludgy" and told me to have my PCP make me an ultra sound appointment. My PCP at the time (I have a different one now) said that a CT was more accurate than an ultra sound and wouldn't schedule me one. Fast forward to last week, Wednesday. The supposed GB attacks I had didn't last long (10/20 mins each), but we figured going to the ER couldn't hurt just in case, so we went. It was a surprisingly pleasant experience. The ER doc said it seemed like it's most likely my gallbladder. I told her that my old PCP wouldn't schedule me an ultra sound, so she scheduled me one for the next day. Since it's been a week since the ultra sound and I hadn't heard back from the dr, I called them this morning and my PCP called me with the results: my gallbladder is fine. My liver is huge. Over twice the size it should be. I can't remember what she said the size of a normal liver is, but I'm pretty sure she said mine is 21cm (I could be wrong, but I do remember then twice as big as it should be part). I fought off a panic attack and losing it at work. I saved that for when I got home. My PCP ordered blood tests, that I got then done after work today (apparently 4th times a charm). I should get an email with the results by Monday (hopefully). Once the results are in, we'll go from there. If the tests don't show anything, a biopsy may be necessary. Today I also called the dietitian at Kaiser for pre-op meal plan advice. This feels like my 'scared straight' moment. My PCP said I should eat healthy and exercise. That they are vitally important at this point. So maybe I'll dance around (and cry) a little before bed. Being the person I am, I googled 'enlarged liver.' And because I'm such a medical expert (I am so not!), I'd like to think a few of the pages I've read apply to me. And if they don't, that's fine. It just gives me peace of mind. Like, I've been feeling this way, liver problems can make a person feel this way. Oh, ok, I'm not going crazy, there's a reason for the way I've been feeling... for example. Plus I don't drink. There's non-alcohol alcohol like liver disease. Most likely cause from being fat. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Still, knowing that is relieving, though. Guess this means I can't get trashed on my birthday next month. Haha. Said the non drinker. When I do drink, if I do drink, it's an average of 4 times or less a year. Even if you double that in case I'm lying, I doubt that's enough for alcohol related liver problems. A fatty liver makes a whole lot more sense to me. I don't think people believe me when I say I could go the rest of my life without ever having another drink again. I just don't like drinking. Like how people don't believe me when I say that I don't watch tv. (which is different from watching shows I like on my computer.) Either way, though, it puts a damper in my surgery plans. Surgery or no surgery, I have to lose weight. Period. In all seriousness, they won't operate if you've got a fatty liver. It could break in half and that could end very badly. I'm not terribly concerned right now since I'm still processing what having surgery really means. I just wouldn't want to be on the table, cut into, my time off work all arranged, and no surgery b/c of my liver. That would be incredibly frustrating. I wonder if they can test for that to avoid this scenario. Really, I just need to stfu and wait for the results. I should go to the gym after work tomorrow. Uh... wat? 4th times a charm? When I was in the ER last week it took them 4 tries to get the IV in for blood tests and fluids. I still have a bruise on one failed spot. Apparently I have hard to get to veins. The first nurse couldn't find a vein to use, so they brought this other nurse in who stuck me 3 more times and did a super tight double wrap (makes you realize how hard it would really be to cut off your own arm; 127 hrs) and had to hit my hand pretty hard to get a vein to show. Today wasn't as bad, but the guy did try 4 spots before finding one, but at least he only stuck me once. Cry? It's like I can't handle happy. A couple hours ago when I was warming up my dinner I danced a little to a song I liked and I felt like crying because I was happy to be dancing to a song I like. Like the happy is too much to handle so tears come out. If that makes any sense. I tend to over-explain things. AND Isn't it kinda fucked up that I can be having a panic attack and no one can tell? I'm so good at looking fine when I'm not. That just seems so wrong. ... sort of? Like I said earlier, this was kind of like my come to Jesus moment. So even though this isn't necessarily good news, it's good that I now have a sense of urgency to take care of my health. Sooner rather than later.

My Life as Liz

March 25, 2011

Gotta start somewhere

I have the hardest time making blog posts. So bear with me. I am undecided about having this surgery. On the one hand, this is a MAJOR surgery. It means cutting away a big part of one of my major organs and altering everything I do. Not only the way I eat and drink, but my activity level, my hobbies (as in getting new ones that aren't eating related), my lifestyle as a whole. On the other hand it means everything will be perfect, right. My dad will finally love me, I'll finally get that promotion I've been wanting... Ha. Kidding. I know those things won't happen just from losing weight. My dad will always be an asshole. I know I can look forward to more energy, more confidence, being able to do my job with less pain, no more size or weight restrictions on the things I want to do. Those things. Being able to fit on rides, for example; the potential for my back and feet not to hurt at work, to be able to play with my nephew who's on the way, or even play with my own kids if I ever have them; to be able to sit on the floor and not be in pain, then to be able to get up after without a surface to help me up and a bit of straining... I think that would be worth it. But the thought of major surgery is still effin (normally I would swear, but I don't know about that on here) scary. I know losing weight won't make my dad love me, my sister accept my lifestyle (she's religious, I'm not), get me the promotion I'm hoping for (hopefully I'll get it within the next few weeks anyway), magically make me better at my job so I can make the big bucks (gotta take classes and a different workplace for that). Even though I know weight loss won't cause these things to magically happen, I still hope from time to time. I do however, feel that losing weight will open opportunities that are either closed or that I think are closed to me. For example, becoming more confident will allow me to feel able to get another job. I know this process won't be easy. Drinking 64 oz (I'm good on 32) of water a day, only eating 2 oz of mostly protein per meal. Timing when I can drink, taking vitamins, all this stuff is not easy. Not being able to drink coke ever again. Or those frozen caramel coffee drinks from Panera that I love so much. (I hate Starbucks and am not a coffee drinker except for my bimonthly frozen caramels). Or Thai Iced Tea. OMG, if you haven't had one, they are amazing. Very high in caffeine though. You have been warned. So the real question is... Can I live without these things? Probably. I can live without the can's of Thai iced tea form the Asian market down the street. The best ones are made an hour away from me anyway at the best Thai place in the bay area; so lack of access helps. Coke? Well, I haven't had a more than a couple sips in at least a week if not longer. The entire month of August 2010 was soda free for me except for 3 Icees which my bf says count as sodas, but I say they don't. Sweet coffee drinks? Yes. I don't like coffee to begin with unless it's in sweet blended high calorie form. I do have a free frozen caramel at Panera from being a card member, so I'll have that, but I've been very good about not going crazy. Slurpees? My Slurpee and Icee consumption has gone down considerably. I don't get the Icees from the corner store anymore because they taste bad to me. Like they're made with tap water (I don't like our tap water), or like they don't clean the nozzles daily like they should. (BTW, this is why soda at some gas station marts doesn't taste good. They're supposed to clean the nozzles daily. BF worked at a gas station for a little while.) Sweet things? I am convinced that the occasional sweet thing won't hurt my weight loss. (I'm fat because I eat too much, not because I eat nothing but sweets. But they don't help things, obviously.) Sobe? Oh I love those. But I also don't have them very often. Maybe 3x a month. More if I'm on a kick, less if I'm not. Milk? I don't care what they say, I'm going to drink milk if I want to drink milk. I don't drink it every day. Soft serve? Most likely. There have been so many times I've wanted it lately but not gotten it and the cravings have been less and less and easier and easier to deal with. I don't want to never eat soft serve again in my life. I just want to get to the point where I can have a little bit, be satisfied, and move on with my life. I feel like I'm jabbering on and on. I have noticed that my tastes have changed a little. I can't finish a whole can of coke anymore. As I said, Icee's taste bad to me now, or at least the ones at the corner store do. The last slurpee I had was a little underwhelming. I haven't mentioned alcohol. I don't drink. My biggest fear right now, besides not wanting to die from surgery, is that I won't be able to eat anymore. What I mean, is really eat. Eat large portions of food. Eat whatever I want. Being satisfied that I've eaten too much, but it was so good. Isn't that the whole point of having surgery? To not be able to eat crap? YES. But this just seems scary to me. Like, oh no, what will I do now. And that's what I mean by needing to get new hobbies. Which brings me to exercise. You know, I actually used to like going to the gym. It's like, even though I know things, they don't compute in my brain now. Somewhere between beauty school, my first bf, and my current bf, I had lost like 50 to 70 pounds (IDK my highest weight back then, so this is my best guess based on what pant size I wore). I lost weight because of my DDR obsession, then I lost more weight from being dumped, then I met my current bf and put the weight back on and then some. And so did he. If you don't know what DDR is, you don't know what you're missing. Wait, you mean being good at DDR doesn't make you cool? Aw *frownie face*. DDR is Dance Dance Revolution. If you still don't know what it is, Google it. Being good at DDR is like this secret fantasy of mine. I feel like being good at DDR is so cool and make me cool. Not in real life, but I will be so cool in my own head. And that makes me happy. I used to be so much better at it than I am now. I could do a couple standard songs. I haven't played in a while, but the last time I did it was like, "I used to be able to do this." The first guy I ever dated introduced me to DDR. For about 2 years after that I became obsessed. There's this website that has DDR machine locations and I would go to places just to play. I think that's why I lost weight. I didn't think of it as exercise. After my first bf (different guy) dumped me I became very anxious. I had a hard time eating, but I still managed to eat crap. But I think even though I was eating badly, I was eating less? Maybe. I can't remember. Anyway, me and my mom started going to the gym regularly. We'd go at night when there was hardly anyone there. I got my routine down to doing 40 minutes or 400 calories burned (according to the display) on the elliptical, whichever came first, but it ended up being about the same. Then I would do weights. Usually arms more than legs. I was up to 50lbs on most of the arm machines. Now I can barely do 20. I want to get back to that. I got down to about 209/215. A size 20 is skinny for me. When bf and I got together I stopped going to the gym, started eating badly, and now 7 years later I'm up about 64lbs. I ended up being a bad influence on him as well b/c he had just lost weight on weight watchers and was drinking diet soda, and I thought diet soda was gross so he switched to regular and ate badly along with me. I want to get back into going to the gym again. But it's just so hard. Somebody call the wambulance! I know the more I go the better it will get and it will get easier as I lose weight, but right now that isn't connecting in my head. Like right now we're training for Bay to Breakers. We're behind on training due to the rain and general laziness. I walk very slow. I mean 30 minute mile slow. Right now I can't imagine walking faster. Of course this will change if/when the weight comes off, but right now it feels hopeless. It's hard for me to imagine myself smaller. In the past I didn't feel any different when I lost weight. I just felt like me. My clothes would just magically expand or shrink. So I'm having a hard time seeing myself loosing weight. I mean, so far I've lost about... 7 or 8 lbs, but my clothing doesn't fit any different yet, so it hasn't sunk in that this effort of eating better is working. A couple nights ago I made tacos (I'm not the cook, he is, and this is one of the few things I make). I fixed 2 for myself and a ramekin of re-fried beans with cheese. I could only eat one taco and half the beans. I did put some effort toward eating more beans and seriously considered trying to eat my other taco but I knew I couldn't. I literally could not have stuffed it down if I wanted to. And then something clicked. This is what you're supposed to do. You eat, you get full, you stop. Like some magical realization. Like, this is how it's going to be. This is how it works. Since then I've been making an honest effort to follow plan and write down what I eat. I have gone off plan a few times, and over eaten about 3 times, but I feel different about it now. I am having a problem though. When I follow plan I feel empty inside. Like I know I'm full but I still feel empty. I thought it was a physical emptiness, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was an emotional emptiness. And I've been having this weird pain in my chest/throat. I think it may be heartburn. It's like an uncomfortable feeling. Heartburn is the only way I can think to describe it. Oh, the water. So the plan I'm following calls for 64oz of water/fluid to be drunk per day. This includes crystal light, decaf teas, dunno if non fat milk counts (we drink whole in this house). 64 ounces is just too much for me. I'm good on 32 to maybe 50ish. 2 to 3 water bottles. When I try to drink all 64, and I'm rarely able to drink that much, I feel like I'm peeing all the time. And I'll wake up and have to pee anywhere from 2 to 5 times in the night. So for me personally, 64oz is too much. Plus my sister in law once told me that her doctor told her that she should not be drinking that much because some people don't need that much. I'm not saying that I know more than a doctor does, I'm saying I know certain aspects of my body better because it's me. Besides the fact that my job doesn't allow me to drink that much. I love what I do. I like where I do it, I have great coworkers, but it's becoming time to move on. As stated in my profile, I am a hair stylist. I have been at my current salon almost 6.5 years. I work in a select service salon. I know I am bordering on becoming stuck there. I want to move on and branch out to full service, or maybe even makeup and/or nails. I know I have more potential, I just haven't harnessed it yet. And part of that is I feel my weight is holding me back. I have 3 herniated disks in my back (not weight caused, but the weight isn't helping), so doing shampoos and bending isn't something I would be able to do on a regular basis. So I'm really hoping that I can lose the weight, gain confidence, and then move on. And in losing weight I hope to gain strength in my back and over all so I will be able to work. I actually found out about the surgery from a former coworker who got it done (she had r&y), lost weight, then moved on. I'd like to be able to do that as well. I'm almost 28. Ideally I want to be pregnant with our first child by 30. So I kinda feel like if I'm going to do this, I need to do it now and stop dragging my feet. I don't want to be fat and pregnant. I have this fear that if I were to get pregnant now (among a whole slew of other issues) that people wouldn't be able to tell and they'd just think I'm fat. Another fear is that what if I got pregnant and didn't know and couldn't tell b/c I'm fat and then suddenly had a baby. How embarrassing would that be. I'd just die. I know this probably isn't very realistic, but who ever said fears were rational? I have major daddy issues, which I may or may not get into in another entry. Basically he made my life a living hell growing up. Very emotionally abusive. Needless to say, I don't want to tell him if I get it done. Believe me, I want a relationship with him so badly, I really wish I had a dad, but he's an unmediated bipolar; it's not happening. It makes me so sad. And it makes me mad that I still love him even though I hate him so much. And it hurts so much knowing losing the weight won't make him love me. ;_; I don't feel comfortable telling my sister. She's the good one, the favorite. I love her dearly, but we just don't have an open relationship and I am very afraid of being judged. Plus given the comments she makes about fat people, being fat is probably the worst thing a person can be, to her. I wouldn't be comfortable with my grandma knowing. My dad has fed her lies about me, she's never approved of my weight, telling my parents to do something about it instead of being a grandma. And she doesn't approve of my living situation (unmarried & living together; I think if it bothers her that much she should pay for my wedding). As far as work and clients go, the girls at work would know, and clients don't need to know anything other than I'm following a meal plan, making lifestyle chances, exercising, ect. It's none of their business anyway. My bf supports me whatever I do. Whether I don't lose another pound or I get surgery and lose 100+. At first he was against it, but I think he knows what it means to me, so he's supportive. I told my mom. That was hard. But she was ok. I know she's not a fan of the idea, but she wouldn't give me a straight answer why. My sister in law doesn't want me to die. She's actually the only one who said that I'm fine the way I am. Idk if my brother knows. Idk if my nephew knows, or if he'd have much of an opinion since he's 16. My in-laws: mom is against it because she knows 2 people who had it done, one is gaining the weight back and the other almost died. She feels that I should stay the same or lose weight non surgically. Haven't gotten an opinion from dad yet. (Yes, I do call my bfs parents mom and dad, just not to their faces.) I have one aunt and uncle who I can see being supportive. My cousins I'm iffy about. One of my best friends hasn't said any opinion either way (so I think she'd be supportive either way, we've been friends for over 20 years), and my other best friend seems against it. I know I need therapy or something when it comes to food and all the feelings I have associated with it and my family, but I don't know where to get it. I can't afford a private therapist, and Kaiser sucks in that department. Ok. So now that you think I'm crazy.... On to what I'm sure you're probably more interested in: Highest weight: 281 Kaiser's starting weight for me: 278 Current weight (as of last weigh in): 273 Goal weight: 255 I'm 5'5.5", pear shaped, so if you saw a head shot, you'd probably think I'm much smaller than I am. Assuming I do get surgery, it will be at Kaiser Richmond. Right now I'm in the process of re-enrolling in the program. I should get a call from Robin in 7 to 10 days from Friday. Not sure if those are business days or not. From there I'll have to take a class or two. Past that I assume the process resumes as it was before with reaching goal, appointments, tests, and then surgery... to simplify it. Even if I don't get surgery, I feel that this group is the right place for me to be right now as far as my weight loss goes. Back in 2008 I got like 3lbs from goal then I gained all the weight I lost back plus 3lbs (I think I just wasn't ready). I stopped going, then I decided to go again after talking to a client who had it done. Now I'm down about 5lbs from my starting weight, and 8lbs from my highest (starting over) weight. I need to loose 18 more pounds. My personal goal is to loose 23 more. Once I meet that, I will begin saving for and planning a trip to Disneyland (that will be the weight I was the last time I went so I'll know for sure that I'll be able to fit on the rides). At first I wanted the LapBand. It still sounds like the best choice for me, but with all my concerns, ultimately, I feel that the sleeve is a better choice. In group (the support group at Kaiser Richmond) they said that if you set a goal for when you want to have surgery, it helps you get to goal and a lot of people who did this have had their surgery near the date they picked. I would prefer to have it done in the Spring, maybe Summer (with my luck it'd be a 100+ degree summer =/ ). Just not Winter. I know myself; I won't want to get up and walk if it's cold outside. So I think May through September would be good. I don't want to get it done right before the holidays because I just don't see it ending well. Either way, my first holidays post op should be with my in-laws. I think Valentines Day would be a really cool day to have it, but when I really think about it, it's still too cold then. I feel like May is too soon, as in I doubt I'll be at goal and have all the other things taken care of by then, plus Idk if I'll be mentally ready by then. But I don't want to wait till next Spring either. My current goal is to reach my goal weight by summer. So basically that means before September. My work doesn't want me to take December off, but I'm so tempted to... assuming that it worked out that way. This has been a slow process for me. As far as the meal plan goes, I started cutting back on soda, for example. Then I was loosely following the meal plan. And now I have about 1 meal a day that's plan, and the others are plan-ish, but not dead on. I have to work up to it. I can't just jump right in. And that's ok. Because I want to be sure. I want to be sure I can do this.

My Life as Liz

March 7, 2011

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