maryH's Journal

Visit with my mom or how I lost my faith(warningcontains religious ramblings etc

I needed a place to write down my thoughts. I'm not banded yet...still in the early stages of getting there, but will get it done. I'm just trying to deal with issues relating to why I eat. I visited my mom last Thursday. I came home and said to my husband, why do I go in there to visit her...he goes "I wonder why you do" Background: I come from a family of 13 brothers and sisters, My parents are deeply religiously Catholic. Half of my siblings do not attend church anymore...One brother is gay, one sister lives with her boyfriend. One brother is mormon. My mom and dad are heartsick over this. My MOM is an acholic..neither she or my dad acknowledge that fact. We have known for years...years of her stumbling...telling me things are my fault, years of embarassments at weddings...hoping and praying "mom was sober" 2 years ago at my daughter's wedding she attend and was of course drunk. When she is drunk she gets depressed and rants and raves about why. My other daughter's boyfriend was there and had never met my mom before, I told my daughter to warn him about her and she had. After the wedding I was asking her what Dustin had said about grandma and she goes...He wanted to know what Grandma was like when she wasnt drunk...and my daughter goes "I don't know".......3 years ago I took her and my sister to Kansas City for my nephew's wedding reception...my brother and his partner were there. She after many drinks of wine confronted my brother's partner...he flew off the handle...and stormed out of the hall. My brother chased him down...myself and my sister, and other brother got my mom under control. I took her home. On the way home she started rambling on to myself and my sister about how all her kids were heartaches...she actually went down the list of names and said why...All my brothers and sisters are wonderful...they would give you the shirt off their back if you needed it...their offsprings are wellbehaved kids...no drug abuser...murderers, rapist in the bunch...They all hold good jobs...etc...But you know the reasons they were heartaches...was because they didnt attend the Catholic church. I tried to keep quiet becasue I knew I was talking to a drunk...but when your own mother tells you that you are a heartache...I was not on the list at first but towards the end I was because 26 years earlier I had been pregnant when I was married. She said something to the fact that she prays each night for her kids that someday before they die that they come back to the Catholic Church. I told her...that she could pray all she wanted for her kids...that was her choice and yes I pray for my kids...BUT I pray for her one day to open her eyes and see what how truly she was blessed with each and everyone of us kids plus the offsprings. I cried that night like I have never cried in my life. I felt such a loss. I went to church that week...and had to force myself to sit in that pew and listen to the same religion that my mom and dad believed in..I could no longer view that religion with good thoughts. Anyways...in the next 3 years, I reconciled myself somewhat...still could not get passed some issues, but had actually talked with my mom about the weather...etc...and had invited her to my home for holidays. I had also told her...no I did not understand my brother's life style but I was not put on this earth to judge him...I love my brother. Thursday, I had not been in to visit her in awhile and the last time I had seen her...at Christmas and then around a month later, she had actually sobered up and said she had quit drinking..Thursday, as soon as I walked into their home and saw her stumbling towards me, I knew once again. She started to talk to me about things and she got on the subject of her kids and how much pain they had caused her...once again listing all the kids who did not go to church...and my gay brother. She was blaming herself for my brother, I told her...it was her choice to blame herself, that I did not know what caused my brother this lifestyle....If it was medical, self determined at birth, childhood. But once again I love my brother, I told her both him and his partner lead a very christian life. Then she was talking about my oldest brother who had around 3 years ago left the church and she said with no explanation, that he had sent his 3 kids to Catholic school and then when they had graduated he quit the church. I told her that my brother would of been living her about the time that a local priest had been accused of molesting kids. I had always wondered about that for him and my other brother. Well she goes....he was. He told us that he was. I wanted to throw up....not only him but I suspect my other brother as well...as he would not admit to it...This priest was one I knew and had loved his sermons...his talks....I felt like I couldnt trust them. She started in about my brother leaving the church. And I told her that you do not blame him....this priest and the higher ups in the arch-diocese had alot of answering to do when they meet St Peter. To just take this priest and move him to another parish...I want to throw up...my brothers abused!!! My mom goes why didnt they tell us...I told her becasue you put the priest on such a high pedestal. I have totally lost my faith...48 years of believing in a religion..............I feel hurt for my brothers...not only to have them happen to them...but for my parents to constantly berate them for not attending the church...This same church that let the priest molest their kids...Somethings not quite right. I know I need to talk with someone about this...for myself, for my kids..but once again when I talk with my mom, which I know I will at some family gathering...Thanks for any that listened...Mary

maryH

March 19, 2007

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