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About this blog

my weight loss journey

Entries in this blog

 

New Eating habits

Now that 2 months have gone by in my new eating regime, I have lost 28 pounds. Yay me!!!   I am finding that I can no longer able to eat more than a cup of food at any given time. I come to a point where I stop eating because I start to feel full. I used to be able to eat almost a whole pizza myself, now I struggle to eat 1 piece. I used to be able to whole orders at restaurants, and now I am ordering half orders, and still not able to eat it all. I thought when I started this new way of eating I would fail miserably and it would be so hard to stick with. After the first couple of days of headaches, I find that it is the easiest thing to stick to.   I am so excited for my turn to have surgery because if I am finding it this easy to eat healthier now pre-surgery, I should hopefully be able to stick with the post-surgery diet.   I need everyone's prayers.   Sheila
Sheila

Sheila

2
 

First entry

I have been lurking and commenting on some posts here on Vertical Sleeve Talk for 2 days now. I think it is time to get real with myself and explain everything that has been going on.   I am a 45 year old woman. I have been married for 14 years. I have also been overweight - morbidly so all my adult life. I had my daughter in 1986 and after that my weight just kept going up and up. My heaviest weight I ever have been was 302. That scared the living daylights out of me. I am only 5'6 and carrying that much weight is not good. When I first began thinking about WLS I was looking for a magic bullet. Something I would not have to work hard to acheive but would just take the weight off. I now know that is not possible or reasonable. It took me 25 years to put on this weight, it is not going to come off easily. I have cried many nights because I can not stand looking in the mirror, having my picture taken, or have my husband even look at me for fear I will disgust him.   I have fought depression, hypothyroidism, osteoarthritis, diabetes, night cramps, cancer and high cholestrol. I am still here. I am still living. It is now time to take charge and lose this weight.   I will begin at the beginning. When I was a teenager, like everyone, I weighed 117 to 120. I looked pretty damned hot. I met the wrong boy, got pregnant, and he wanted nothing to do with me or our baby. I was 19 years old. Having been brought up in the church I was very ashamed of myself for getting into this situation. I fell in the a depression that lasted for over 20 years. I was surviving not living. My family, friends and church members were all very supportive of me during this time. I had my daughter and we were accepted by everyone. If anyone ever had a problem with me they never let me know. This support system did help but it did not alleviate the shame I felt.   I was living at home with my mother. I met a man who had 2 daughters and after a hasty courtship, we were married. I was stupid for I did not get to know him as well as I should. The first year was fine. We had a happy marriage. But I soon began to realize that I married him for all the wrong reasons. Again, my regiously beliefs kept me in my marriage because I made this decision and I had to stick with it. My ex-husband had many issues from his childhood that he had never worked out, and became apparent soon after our marriage began. Of course I wanted to try and help him. Once I realized I was unable to, my depression grew deeper. I began to eat to stuff my feelings. I was deeply unhappy. I could not stand to allow this man to touch me. And only when he became verbally abusive to me and my daughter did I do something and got out of the marriage. I began to research my options, where I could go for help, finding a place to rent for the two of us, and how much money I would require for all this. Finally the day came for me to take charge and make him leave. I did just that. It was like having a weight being lifted from my shoulders and I could breath again. Interestingly enough, I lost like 45 pounds right after that. I had no desire to eat, I was active, I decided to go back to school, I was feeling pretty good about my life.   I soon became lonely and wanted someone to share my life with. Having grown up in the church I began to pray. I pray God would send me the person I was to spend my life with, and within a month, I met my new husband. My husband lived in Canada. I lived in Oklahoma. How did this happen you might ask, well, we met via the internet when it was brand new. We met in 1994. We were members of the same forum, and we began to write (email) each other as friends. He was dating - I was dating, and well our feelings for each other grew. Neither one of us was REALLY looking for a long distance relationship, but God works in mysterious ways. He brought me my husband and I was not going to allow him to slip away. 16 years later, here we are. Married, happy and now about to face yet another challenge with my WLS. My DH is very supportive of my decision. He attends all my appointments with me. He asks questions so he is well informed what to expect. He is helping with the pre-surgery diet. For my birthday he paid for me to start belly dancing classes on Jan 19, 2011. I am very excited about that.   (I will write another entry to go over all the challenges and difficulties we faces through out our marriage for there were many. Most which contributed to my depression even further. )   When I first started to comtemplating have WLS, I was researching LapBand surgery. For many reasons but mainly because it was the least envasive and totally reversable. I was referred and accepted into a program my province was sponsoring where they would allow so many people have the LapBand and all the different services paid for by the province. I went through everything they offered only to be devastated when I heard due to financial reason's they were discontinuing the program. I was very upset. I did not allow that to stop me however. I again prayed to God to show me the way. To help me figure out a safe reliable way to lose this weight. One thing I have not told you is I work in an outpatient clinic that helps people who live with Parkinson's Diease. I am the secretary and I open all the incoming mail. One day I opened one of the physicians mail and found a weight loss pamphlet for a local doctor that was a self referral. So I called to find out what the clinic offered. I even made an appointment to go meet the doctor. After meeting them and hearing what their clinic offered, I realized it was not for me. I had informed them I was mainly interested in the Lapband surgery and was hoping they would be able to help me with that aspect. The doctor then told me about a surgeon who offeres WLS and is very hard to get into. He only accepts referrals one day a year and only the first 200 referrals get in. This doctor offered to make a referral for me to this surgeon. I said thank you and pretty much forgot about it. I then received a call some time later asking me to come to the clinic because the doctor was getting ready to make the referrals and wanted to meet with me again to make sure I was still interested. So, for me out of the blue this opportunity came. My prayers were answered once again.   I had to weight to meet the surgeon for about 11 months (which was shorter than I thought I would have to wait). I have had my first appointment with Dr. Lawrence Farries on November 30, 2011. I went in totally set on getting the LapBand surgery. I had gone through so many classes and seminars I knew the surgery backwards and forwards, so I thought. In my first meeting, I was asked to watch a little video that explained all the WLS options, all the pros and cons, what to expect with each surgery. After viewing this video, my mind changed. They stated that with the Lapband surgery you had to be very diligent in dieting for it to work. You had to account for everything you placed in your mouth and make sure it is the exact right thing. I know myself, I know I am not dedicated. When I heard about the VGS, I felt like almost coming home. It felt like the exact right thing I needed. When I discussed this with the surgeon, he agreed with me that it was the correct surgery for me. He then put me on a pre-surgery diet. 1 cup of food 3 times a day. No soda pop, no caffeinated drinks, only skim milk. I now drink only water. I have been able to stick to my 1 cup 3 times a day and lost 21 pounds in one month.   I have had to have a Endoscopy to check my GI tract. I have to have a pyschiatric evaluation which is coming up soon. and once those two things are clear, I will have a surgery date. I am not nervous about the surgery and the after diet or any of the possible complications, what I was nervous about was the Endoscopy. I had this done yesterday (Jan 14, 2011). I informed everyone I could I have a very bad gag reflex, and was told I would be asleep and would not remember anything and a spray would be giving to help numb my throat. Well, I don't remember anything about the scope however I did gag while I do not remember I gagged, I now have the sore throat to prove I did gag. I can not talk very loud at the moment (which might be a good thing for my husband ) and I can't eat anything that is very scratchy because I am having a hard time swallowing anything. Although I am sure everything went okay I am nervous I might have to go through that again. I don't know why I just have this fear that due to my retching it impeded the surgeon from getting all the information he needed to get.   So that is where I am, I am waiting for my pysch eval, I have another appointment at the surgeon's office on Feb 8 and then I am hoping I will get my surgery date. My fingers are crossed for sometime in June/July. Please send good vibes.   That is it for now. I will send another blog about the craze early days of my 2nd marriage.   Sheila  
Sheila

Sheila

1
 

Second entry

:focus: I said in my first entry I would post about my second marriage and how some of the things that we went through contributed to my depression and my weight gain. So here I go.   As I said in my first entry, I met my husband via the internet. We met in a social chat room. A friend of mine wanted to have penpals to write her via snail mail and I put an advertisement (for lack of a better word) on this social chat room for her. This was way back before everyone had a computer (or 3) in their homes. My husband is one of the people who responded to my advert, and I put him in touch with my friend. While he was writing her, I also wrote to him wanting to have a penpal. So, when my friend received letters from him, she allowed me to read them and started to really like him. We became friends. And as I said before, it grew from there. We set our first meeting for March 1995. He was flying to Oklahoma to meet me in person. He stayed at my apartment with me and my daughter. We had a fantastic time although we both became sick towards the end. We then set a new date for a meeting in May 1995 where I was flying up to visit him in Canada. It was a big deal for me as I had never been on an airplane before and never been out of the USA before. I flew into Seattle and he drove down from Vancouver to pick me up. We had a nice drive back to Vancouver and we stayed the night with his parents. We continued our visit and I left to come home. We talked and wrote and missed each other for another 7 months before we saw each other again. He flew back to Oklahoma to spend Christmas with me and my family. My birthdate is on New Years eve and that is when he proposed to me. On my birthday 4 seconds to midnight. I was so sad when he had to go back home. But we made arrangements for me to then drive up to Canada in April 1996 and begin our lives together and that is what we did. On Sept 7, 1996 we were married and then the fun began.   My daughter was then 10 years old. At first she liked my husband. They got along quite well, and did things together. Then the hormones hit. And well, lets just say things went down hill quickly. We were dealing with many challenges, here is a list of the things we had to contend with in the first 7 years of marriage:   1. becoming a resident in Canada - cost $3000 2. husband father dying 3. daughter acting out as a teenage, drinking, staying out all night, and getting pregnant at the age of 13 then hiding an abortion from me (which is legal in Canada). 4. husband learning he had a brain tumor and needed surgery 5. my mother dying 6. me learning I had Endometrial cancer and needed surgery 7. daughter moving out of the house at age 16 (legal in Canada)   We had quite a time in those 7 years. And most people, it would have pulled them apart and broke their marriage. Luckily, my husband and I were brought closer. We have been able to develop a great communication between us and can talk out anything.   But as you can see, I went through quite a lot of emotional ups and downs, and when you are already depressed, it causes you to go deeper into it. I went to visit my family doctor one day and I could not tell you why I was there. Before she could ask me anything I burst into tears, told her I wished I was dead because I just could not take all this stress and unhappiness. She recognized what I was going through, chemical depression, and immediately placed me on anti-depressants. I was on them for 18 months while my brain chemicals realigned themselves. Although I was no longer technically depressed I was still eating to help hide the pain. And I gained up to 302. That is when things started to scare me.   That is when I began looking at options. I began going to therapy, I began looking at WLS, I began taking seminars for WLS, and l learned that I can do it. I have the support of my husband and my God. I know I can do it.   Well, that is my story. From now on I am going to write only about what is going on with my WL journey and the feelings, apprehensions, joys, highs and low I experience.   S
Sheila

Sheila

0
 

Baby girl turns 25

It is so hard to believe that my baby girl is turning 25 years old. It just seems like yesterday she was running around kissing everyone before she left the room at the age of 2. She has turned into a beautiful, independent, funny, woman. I am very proud of her.   We took her out to Japanese Village to celebrate. Ugh! I ate WAY to much. I did have to go visit the little girls room and I weighed myself "naked" to see exactly how much I gained tonight, and it was only 1.4 pounds, so it isn't TOO bad. Luckily, there are no celebrations coming up that will require me to eat to much.   I know Valentines Day is c oming, but we will have a subdued one here at home.   I started a new topic on General Sleeve Surgery Discussion called Offical weigh in - Saturday Mornings. I am using this topic to be my accountibility to myself and everyone on the forum with my weight. I just started today. I have officially lost 25 pounds, yay for me. After my Endoscope on the 14th, I had went more than 24 hours without eating anything, and my weight reflected 266, but it was a false reading. But today was a true reading because I have been eating, but I have lost down to 266 and lost a total of 25 pounds. I am so happy and proud of myself. My surgeon has to be happy with me too.   I want to lose down to 250 prior to my surgery and if I keep going the way I am, hopfully I will make it. I have started my belly dancing class, so cool and fun, and on Tuesday I will hopefully be receiving my Zumba DVD's, and I will be learning those 2 days or more a week. I am going to work at losing as much weight as I can before my surgery date.   I have my pyshc eval on March 2 and my next follow up on March 8, Hopefully my eval report will be ready and I will learn my surgery date. My fingers are crossed,   Until time next,   S
Sheila

Sheila

0
 

Excitement, anticipation, and nerves

As I wait for my surgery, I find myself with a mixture of emotions. When I think about how much better my life will be once all this weight is off me I feel almost giddy. I know it isn't the only answer, but it is the first step to a new and improved me.   I find myself thinking about all the things I will be able to do again, walk the dogs, ride my bike, go dancing, go hiking, just live a more active life. I have been so seditary for so long that I am welcoming going out and living life instead of just surviving it.   Then I imagine all the new clothes I will be able to fit into. I am so tired of dressing like a circus tent. I want to wear cute sexy clothes. Instead, I wear clothes right now that hide how I look, I want to look young and beautiful and sexy.   I also am savoring the anticipation by trying to earn being able to have this surgery. I am working hard to lose weight prior to the surgery. I am trying to train my eating habits so that I am able to maintain when I hit my goal weight. I want to be worthy to God for bringing this great opportunity my way by not letting him down by failing.   I am slightly nervous about my life after surgery. I am not nervous about surgery, but how I will adjust to my new life. I have lied like this for so long, I am unsure if I will be able to accept that I am no longer fat. It is sort of like if you have been poor all your life and suddenly win the lottery. Will you still feel poor inside or will you be able to adjust to not ever having to worry abount money again. I am worried I will always think of myself as the "fat chick".   I am pleased with myself because I have lost a total of 24 pounds since November 30 and I hope to lose another 24 to 25 pounds prior to my surgery because if I can, I hope it will make reaching my goal that much easier. I start belly dancing class tomorrow and hopefully that will help my continual losing weight along with what I am already doing.   I have my pysch evaluation on March 2, and hopefully, I will get my surgery date soon after that. I am so ready for the "NEW" me to begin.   Look out world, because here I come.   S
Sheila

Sheila

0
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