I feel selfish being fat. Let me explain. This consumes me. It has consumed my life for a long time. I think about it all the time. Maybe even more so now because I am on this incredible journey with finally an awesome opportunity to lose weight. And that is something I have obsessed for .....for a very long time. Now, I feel like I have to focus even more to ensure I don't fail. I feel so self-consumed. So selfish.
I am a stress eater. Well, I used to be. I would eat, no binge like crazy when stressed. I was stressed often. Unfortunately, weight loss surgery did not cut out 85% of my stress.
I am watching my mother in law die from stomach and colon cancer. She was forced to be readmitted to the hospital tonight because she refuses to eat. Here I am with an eating issue, and here she is on the opposite end of it, but needing food if she wants to survive.
So, first I feel selfish to go through this, while she and my husband and his family are dealing with something so much harder. So it stresses me out. And I want to eat.
Tonight I did what any weight loss person could do. I binged....on some chocolate milk. In reality, I only had about 7 or 8 oz, but it was 2% and was, like I said, chocolate. Luckily I did good all day with my carb and calorie intake so I did not go over 800 calories for the day, but the point was I did not have the control over it in this time of intense stress.
I feel so sad to see my family go through this, and so selfish to still be focusing on something so...I don't want to say not serious, but in comparison...it seems like it.
I feel selfish that I needed this surgery. That I needed the help. That I needed this me time. Right in the middle of all this. I just don't want to put my kids through anything that I can help later in life. It just hurts too bad too see the family like this....I guess I am just justifying my feelings of selfishness by thinking it will prevent any pain in the future. Who knows....
Alright, I know everyone feels at some point they are that slim percentage that this surgery does not work for, but omg really?!? It's so hard because we all come on here and read about stalls and pray we don't go through them, or hope when we do we will bounce out of them quickly, but seriously this is maddening!! I have been in a stall for almost 2 weeks now. I lost such a huge amount right before and after surgery it literally felt like I lost it overnight! But now I am jumping on the scale every few days (I know I know too often) and I am seeing nothing!! Not even ounces. I should be thankful I am not gaining, but at only 300 cals a day it's hard to be thankful when I should be losing! Seriously, on "good" days I got up to 600 calories. Most days it's around 300. At that rate I should have been losing at least 2 and a half pounds a week even if I did no exercise whatsoever. And I have been exercising. So to see nothing makes me feel like a big fat f-ing failure. I told myself once I have this 20 thousand dollar tool I am going to succeed, and I'm not right now. I know this too shall pass and I will start losing weight again, but this is taking a giant mental toll that I am not handling very well. I am getting in my water, my protein and some exercise. There is no reason this shouldn't be working. I know my body is freaking out, and in the rational part of my head I know this, I knew it would happen, I know it will pass. But the other section of my head is flipping out wondering why God hates me and wants me to stay fat. I have even been avoiding this website because I don't want to have to report the hard part of this and feel like a failure and put it out there that I am not losing. I also didn't want to read everyone else's success because I am jealous, but I need to get over it, press on and try to keep the faith that this will work. Slowly and surely this will start again, weight loss will start picking up. But for now, I am sulking, wishing I could gorge on something, anything to "make me feel better".
As the title explains, I am married to the chip guy. My husband works for Frito-Lay. No big deal, right? Normally no. Any given day prior to having surgery I could care less about the stacks of boxes of Frito-Lay products in our living room that we hand out to friends and family. I got over chips a long time ago, shortly after he started working for the company because they were always around. But I have one weakness. I love me some freaking Cheetos! Even those I got over, but now as I allow my son and daughter to split one of the small bags I find my head back in my old habit of wanting to eat about 10 mini bags of Cheetos. I'm over it, physically anyway. I restrain obviously because I know I have too, but damn does my head and my taste buds want them. It is mainly the smells that get me, make my mouth water and mess with my head. I am finding this with a lot of the food in my house that my husband and children eat. So, I figure it's just as good of time as any to really phase out all the junk and get them to eat, and hopefully crave, healthy food too.
I know I have seen a topic online here somewhere about Camelbaks, or hydration packs. Let me just tell you if you do not have one or worry about them for air intake or whatever reason, don't! Get one!! I love mine. I have been able to sip water from mine all day long and get in so much more fluid because it goes everywhere with me, so I have no excuse. It's a constant reminder to drink the fluids!! And I am only 12 days out and have no issue with the amount of water per sip, nor any air issues. The same goes for gum. I am a huge gum chewer and I decided to brave it, and no issues whatsoever! I know everyone is different so please be careful should you try either, but I am a huge advocate for both and suggest you at least give it a try!! My Camelbak holds 48oz of water and it's my personal goal to finish my entire pack in one day. Plus I have other fluids, like Crystal Light that I drink to get me to my 64oz.
Protein is still kind of hard for me. I just use the Professional Strength Whey Protein from Walmart. It's like 17 bucks for a big container and I double my scoops so I get in 52 grams in the morning and try to get in additional 26 at night. I still need to take my measurements but I am dreading it. I know in a month when I measure again I will be glad, but for now I am kind of mad that I am fat. I know that sounds weird, and it's not like I expected to be skinny two weeks after surgery, but this is a mad I have been for years. Two hours of an operation on my stomach is not going to instantly take away the anger and bitterness I have over being fat. It's a process, I know, but one I am ready to be done with. Guess it's never really done. Gonna have to work on wrapping my head around that. Until then, just gonna take it one day at a time! What else can I do!? Anyway, good luck to all you sleevers out there and to those in the process keep fighting for it, it will be worth it!!
Alright, time to come clean! The two days at the hospital were really great, I was released early and I felt so good. I have not been on any pain medication since the day after surgery. The last few days have been very hard for me for some reason. It really blindsided me and I really don't know why because I really want this and did everything within my power to make sure I got it. So, I sat down and did some deep thinking about it and I figured out I think it's a major control issue with me. It's no longer me in control, it's my stomach, my body. When I would diet before surgery I still had control over what I decided to put in, even if that meant cheating on my diet. Obviously I didn't have as much control as I convinced my mind that I did, otherwise, my diets would have worked, but now the control is 100% beyond me. Sure I could try and eat something, but I know the physical aspects would hurt very bad, not just be a cheat on the diet. It really got to me the last few days. I have been hungry, and have not been able to get in hardly any protein. Maybe 20 grams a day, very little calories, and the results have been very hard for me to adjust to. I have been so tired, gotten blurry vision occasionally, and felt so run down and I saw my house falling apart a little so it was getting to me mentally. The water intake has been at about 30oz a day, if I'm lucky! Another major reason I was frustrated. All this piled up on me and I felt so betrayed!! By my own body, and my own mind. I felt like I worked so hard to get this for me and now all I wanted was a freaking egg or 1/2 cup of real soup to eat.
But now it's reckoning time! Time for the complaining to stop, the whining, the longing, the wanting, it all needs to end! I have done this, I wanted this, I am healing great and losing pounds every day and there is no going back! My sister has been staying with us because my husband works a lot of hours and I have needed help with my littles ones, and I saw her this morning and realized all over again one of the reasons why I did this. I know all the medical reasons and health reasons, but for now I am going to remind myself of the physical appearance reasons as well. I have so many clothes I have bought over the years that at one time I fit in, or thought I would fit in shortly if I could just diet a little more.Well, obviously that did not go as planned so I have loaned so many out to my sisters over the years who have fit in them just fine. So I looked at my sister this morning wearing one of my favorite shirts that I am still about 55 pounds away from fitting into and It just clicked! Why the hell am I still whining about my intake? About being hungry? About how hard this is or how tired I am?? This is just one more piece of the diet I should be on anyway right now, and I am thankful for it! I am going to follow the plan my surgeon gave me, and lose the weight, and deal with the head and food issues, and get back MY life! MY clothes, MY health, and MY ability to take care of MY kids and MY house!
I am anxious to get back to exercise, I have been walking, but I really wish I had a treadmill. I have an elliptical, but I am being careful as I know I need to heal all the way before I start anything harder. I know I will get to a place of loving this sleeve rather then just accepting it. Once I see some more physical results and transition into a little bit healthier phase of fuel for my body I except that love and bond to the sleeve to start,
Anyway, I rambled on long enough, but I needed to get this out. I know I have read about others struggling a bit with their sleeve and other issues, so I know it will get better for us all!
So, here i am the morning after surgery. It's early, only 1am, but I am having a bit of a hard time sleeping. I doze for a while, but it's hard to get good rest. And I can't even blame the nurses, they are great and really don't bug me, but this guy across the hall has been moaning and yelling for "someone, come on!" for hours now. He was so mad they wouldn't let him go to the bathroom, even though they told him over 10 times he has a catheter!! I have been doing really good, just some soreness, but sipping my ice chips, walking, peeing, breathing into my little spirometer, wearing my foot cuffs and and my oxygen. I do not have to push my PCA for morphine near as often as I thought I would need to. I have the ability every 6 minutes, but I would honestly say I only need it and push it about every 30 minutes. But I can feel some more soreness creeping up and itching glued suture sites.
I am all alone since my husband has to work today and we live in another city other then my surgery, but I don't really mind. I did have an OMG moment about an hour post recovery room with my husband, asking him why the hell I just cut out 85% of my stomach. But I laughed it off because I know exactly what I did, why I did, and that there is no going back, but that's ok cause I don't wanna go back anyway. It was just surreal it had actually just happened though. It all went fast after my one and only seminar meeting on Jan 5th, 2011, but I have been wanting this for years so it just kind of hit me in a good way that I had actually succeeded in this goal and journey. Now, I know the journey has just begun, but know I feel I have every tool I need to make. So, that being said, I cannot be more grateful for such an online community like this and all the support. I hope one day I can help support other's who are facing this challenge.
That's all before I start slurring my typing, and making even less sense then I normally do. It's almost 2am and I have my leak test around 8 or 9, so time to grab some needed shut eye. Congrats to all you March 16th sleevers today! I am excited for us!!
Oh, btw, I lost 12 pounds on my pre-op diet, and Doctor said my liver and all looked great! So all that worry for nothing!! But encouragement to any on there pre-op, stick to it!! You'll feel better that you did, results WILL occur and your surgeon will be happy!
I am kind of bummed. I know I shouldn't be, but I can't help it. I have been on this pre-op diet for 8 days now and have honestly done really good. Sure a few times I had a few more ounces of chicken over what I was told, but I have never gone over calorie limit and have not splurged on anything. Not even eaten any foods I wasn't suppose too. Just a little extra chicken or veggies sometimes. But I just feel fat. I mean, I know I AM fat, but I thought I would be feeling a little better and for sure I thought I would see a number or two drop from the scale. I have been working out, cleaning and just all around been way more active. I am almost panicking, thinking, what if my liver is just too fatty?? What if I did this pre-op diet wrong? I should have lost a few pounds right? What if they see I didn't and think I am a poor choice for surgery because they think I didn't follow the pre-op diet? And all of this in my rational mind if laughing because I know it's silly, but it is just dumb paranoia that I just can't shake. My surgery is on Wednesday and I just want to go in there feeling like this whole kick off prior was a good thing and that I am on a good start to a new me. And right now, I just feel like the same old fat me, never gonna lose a pound, and nothing will work even this surgery. I am sure everyone freaks out thinking this will not work for them, and I keep telling myself that. And I need to stop comparing, but it's very hard not to. Oh well, one more freaking starving day at a time I guess. Ok, I'm not actually starving, but I do miss food, the taste, the smell, the texture, the momentary happiness. But I am so ready to find the new thing, and the new me. So, just cross your fingers that still do the surgery!! Ugh, dumb fat, just go away already!!
Only a little over a week away!! So ready for this! I went in for my pre-op surgical visit and it seems all is good to go. Got all the things done needed, chest x-ray, ekg, and lab work. Took a two and a half hour class on how to eat after surgery and more info then I could have possibly imagined. It feels good to have such knowledgeable people I know I can ask anything to and tons of resources for this surgery. I am on the tail end of Day 4 of the pre-op diet and so far it really has not been bad. Day 1 was the worst for me because of the horrible headache from the caffeine withdrawals, I forgot about those! But I am all good now! And feel pretty good too! I have been able to get on my elliptical a few times, and then did some major house cleaning the other day so that was a work out in itself. I am shocked at how easy it is to really pack in the protein and not the calories or fat. I had 850 calories today, 150 under goal, and 132 grams of protein!! Which is like over twice I was told I had to make sure I got. So, only real thing I am worried about is that I love, and I mean LOVE, water, but I gulp, chug, inhale, breath it.....no take tiny sips of it all day long. I have never had a problem with water intake, but now am facing a small mouthful every few minutes deal? Yikes. So, I am practicing now, when vomiting is not such a scary thing, rather than after surgery when it is. I told my husband if I have to use coffee stir straws in order to sip less water and protect my new fragile tummy, I will!
Oh hey, ONLY 8 DAYS GUYS!!!!
Wow...wow, wow, wow. I still just cannot believe it. I have been reading so many posts on here and just keep getting more and more excited. I have been hoping for this for so long and to think it's going to happen in less then 3 weeks is just....shocking. My husband was so adorable when I told him. He knew how much this means for me, I got very emotional, but I did not except him to get so emotional also. It was so moving because he is not normally like that, so it really showed how much he really supports me. I don't see it most the time and it was like a giant flashing sign that knock me to the core to see him so happy for me for something that makes him so nervous. I am just so excited for this part of my life to really start. I have two beautiful kids that I am so excited to finally have pictures with them, and vacations, and park days, all while being a normal weight. It means so much for my life because I feel so blessed and am so thankful for all I have, but feel so distraught over this one thing, and now I feel like this one thing, this fat, has been keeping me from so much more. Alright, enough gloating, I still have a long ways to go and I am afraid to be to optimistic about the end results just yet. Hope this day is finding all you Sleeved and soon to be Sleeved friends very well!!
OMG! I got approved!!!
I am still in shock. I just found out today, the 16th of Feb 2011, and have a surgey date of March 16th, 2011. Can you freaking believe it?!?!
I know, me either!!! I am so......stunned. I really did not think this would happen. I thought for sure I would get denied for lack of overweight history of a high enough BMI, Oh.....my....God. I am so happy.
I feel like I can finally breath again. Like it's ok to exhale because things are going to be ok, things will work out, and life will move in the right direction. I highly doubt that person giving the approval has no idea what an impact this is for me. I feel like tracking them down and hugging the hell outta them. I just...wow, this is really happening. It is going to happen. I still can't soak it all in.
Just gotta call the hospital and arrange pre-op testings, chest x-ray, EKG, and lab work. Few meetings, two week diet....wow, and it's gonna be me doing it! Not just reading about someone else going through it. That feeling is truely fantastic.
Hello all!
Hello....?
Oh, ok, I'm alone. That's ok too.
I had my first appointment with a bariatric surgeon on the 6th of Jan, 2011. I was so excited and nervous. Part of me still wishes I was just laughed at, told that I was not fat enough for surgery, but alas, that is not in reality the case. So, the appointment went well, Dr. Patrick Chiasson from Tucson, AZ's Arizona Center for Minimally Invasive Surgery, felt I am a good candidate. My BMI is 42 so that certainly qualifies me. I spoke with Tracy, who is going to be, or is, my patient coordinator, and she and I are starting the process for insurance to pay for the surgery. She felt my date of mid-March was a feasible goal for surgery, which is perfect because I will need that Spring Break for surgery and a little recuperating. The only issues I can foresee at this point for insurance purposes is - 1) I have not had a BMI of 40 or higher for at least five years. I have struggled with one of 35 to 38ish, but late 2010 has been the first time I have even been this weight. And - 2) I have little proof of even the 35 to 38ish BMI weights or proof. I rarely went to the doctor, and when I did it was usually for pregnancies which I am told are not accepted by the insurance company. Nonetheless, my mother is refinancing her house to get her ex-husband off the mortgage sometime next month and has told me she will pay for the surgery if my insurance does not. I would REALLY, prefer her not have to wrap an extra 18 grand into her new mortgage, if at all possible, but I need this surgery like...yesterday, so if nothing else it should still happen in March one way or another.
I am very tired of this struggle. Just like everyone else here on this site, or off it. I take depression and anxiety medication, and that is just not personality. This fat is making me someone that I was never meant to be. Not much longer, I keep telling myself. I will get this surgery, it will jump start my motivation and eating right and be an excellent tool in living healthy. It is just infuriating to have to prove to someone that I am unhealthy to get help to pay for it, or be told I am not unhealthy enough (or for long enough) to qualify. I haven't been denied, but I am just very nervous it's going to happen. Oh well, all I can do is try. I will contact my PCP tomorrow and start the rounding up process of my various medical records, do the other pre-surgery tests and see what happens!
I will post on here as much as I can to keep track of what's going on. Thanks for reading, feel free to leave a comment or send a friend request!
