Cludgie's Blog

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12 Days out, and Some Exciting truths are hitting home, Yay!!

So I'm 12 days post op, and I've just re-read how totally unhappy I was in my 1st blog. Don't get me wrong, my new stomach has not been a cure all, I'm still clinically depressed, and have to be on meds for anxiety but I know that food was something I've buried my problems under for years, and just because I coated them and myself in fat, I ddn't solve any of them (well not just yet anyway). HOWEVER I'm starting to feel good about me! I am losing weight more slowly than a lot of people, but 4 days ago my jeans started to fit me again, and today when I wore them they started falling down a little, and what if my weight creeps down, its taken me a lifetime to get this big, and my sleeve is forever its going nowhere, so whats the rush?? It has really started to hit me that every pound I have lost, I have lost for the very last time. I love my sleeve!!!!

cludgie

January 17, 2011

2 Months, 1 Week, 1 Day and counting.

Hi, Well I finally decided to start charting this crazy rollercoaster ride to a new and (hopefully) improved me, so here goes; I am 30, I am a professional person, I have an astoundingly wonderful family including two beautiful children aged 6 and 2, and my husband really is my best firend and soul mate. I should be happy! In fact I should be ecstatic, skipping along with a song in my heart - I AM NOT! I am truly thankful for all of the blessings in my life, but despite all that the biggest part of every day is painful for me, it usually goes like this; When I wake up in the morning, just before my husband gets up to go to work I make sure we get to hug, but before I do that I have to make sure I am lying a certain way, that my body is covered, and that he doesn't accidentally brush past a body part I am not happy with. When I get up shortly after him I agonise over the days clothing choice (nothing fits, nothing looks right etc etc etc). I weigh myself, I wee, and I weigh myself again shortly before kicking the scales hard and swearing loudly. I then try all of my clothes on again, and usually end up in the least revealing and most shapeless garment I can find, by which stage I feel humilliated and tearful. I will eat something in secret even if it is just a few crumbs of something, and then I'll have a healthy and modest breakfast with my family to keep them happy. By the time the kids are dropped off and I get to work I am always paranoid about my outfit choice, and will spend hours obsessing about how i look from each angle, and how much worse I will look if i actually breathe out, and what on earth people must think about me. Lunch is an hour of trying not to eat in front of people, but usually failing. Sometimes I settle with just a coffee, and sometimes I go for as much crap as a human body can hold, either results in paranoia and a few odd looks! The afternoon is just like the morning, and is followed by an evening of more secret emotional eating and snacking to "cheer myself up". At night I undress and get into bed in stages intended to avoid unflattering angles, and if all else fails make my husband look away! I then spend 8 hours intermittently waking and re-positioning myself to avoid accidental touching of wobbly bits. I know how repressed and tragic that all sounds, but thats my starting point, I have 66lb to lose to be a "normal" healthy weight, and have never come close to that through other conventional methods, so the sleeve it is. Thanks for listening. Cx

cludgie

October 28, 2010

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12 Days out, and Some Exciting truths are hitting home, Yay!!

2 Months, 1 Week, 1 Day and counting.

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