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Crossed Legs & Accountability

12# from my birthday goal of 235           See that?   The scale says 247#. *giggety* That is only TWELVE# away from the goal that I had set for myself before I ever even had the surgery: to be down to 235# by my birthday (which would be a total weightloss thus far of 75#). My birthday is in 3 weeks – February 1, to be exact (TAKE NOTES, ppl!)…and my goal…is…   a   very   POSSIBLE   reality!!   ((Another note-worthy occurance: this week, I was able to sit with my LEGS CROSSED for the FIRST TIME. You know, all lady-like and such. WOOOTTTTTTTTT!!!! ))   A very dear friend of mine *shout out to Tracey the Stinger* is kickin @$$ & taking names on her own weightloss journey (sans medical intervention, and PURE, hardcore working out/healthier eating habits). She writes weekly fitness notes, and has been such an inspiration to so many people. Self included. She says that putting it all out there helps her to remain accountable to herself and keep her on the path. So…   I think in 2011, I will be a little more vocal about my goals, eating habits, fitness details. I know that I have folks around me who will chin-check me QUICK if I start to fall off b/c they DO want to see me succeed…so I think that will only help me to keep my focus, yanno? This next 12# shouldn’t be too hard. Over the past week, I’ve dropped about 5# – and that was after stalling for about 2 wks. I just have to remember to PAY ATTENTION to what I’m putting into my mouth and not going back to the bad habit of grazing. Healthy food or no – I need to a have a more regimented eating schedule. I’ve also upped my water intake which also helps when I’m feeling bitish… (Special K protein water packets are GREAT)   I’m doing pretty well on the exercise tip. (Although, it’s also time to ramp that up). I’ve been stalling on the step-class with my neighbor, but she told me that they are about to start Zumba – so I’m so THERE when that starts. On a daily basis though, I do a few minutes with my shake-weight (to try and get these arm flaps under control) and some of my booty-building workouts via exercise tv. I’m motivated now more than ever – because I truly see that going the extra mile achieves results. Spring is just around the corner, and I FULLY plan to be in ONEderland by then. If I’m at a sz 18 now, I can already see myself slipping into a sz 14 come May. That is my WORD.   Speaking of my birthday…knowing that my new “personal” year is upon me, it’s time to map out my vision for this upcoming year. Not just in terms of my health, but in terms of my overall attitude and mental/emotional/spiritual wellness… in terms of my jewelry biz (which has WAY fallen off in the wake of some hard-hitting life/family circumstances)…and my professional career. 2010 was a doozy – so if I made it thru that unscathed…I can make it thru anything.   I’m more motivated than ever. I’m lookin pretty good, and feelin pretty good – but there is more work to be done. Much more work. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it was built…steadily, day by day.   I just want to again thank all the folks in my corner rooting for me. It has made all the difference in the world knowing that there are genuinely people who want to see me succeed in this new life that I’m carving out for myself. I have nothing but love for you all! (and I’m EVEN learning to love this journey as much as I’m loving the RESULTS)       P.S. The Baltimore BEATDOWN is coming. It’s all RAVENS, baby. PITTiful-BURG: the dirty birds are comin for ‘dat @$$!!!    
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

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Happy Feelin's in the air... (repost from the forum for posterity)

This will be a quickie. I needed to purge my thought surrounding my first shopping trip yesterday.     Given my previous post and the whole emotional roller coaster thing…I think retail therapy helped a bit. I have a wedding to go to this weekend, and don’t have anything to wear that FITS *grin* The big reveal. Standing in amazement! Size 20 Dress       It amazes me that I’m already down a size (maybe 2, depending on how you look at it) in just under a month (starting with the pre-op liquid diet on 9/7). To try on a size 20 dress, then a size 18?? After I have been wearing a 22 or 24 (depending on the cut)…totally made my day!     Im certain the size 18 dress was cut WAY big, but still…Just looking at myself in it…thinking “wowwwwwwwwwwwwww”. I couldn’t stop smiling… I’ve even noticed that my knees & back aren’t hurting as much. I guess 30# can make all the difference in the world. BOOYAH! *lol*     Today, was kinda “blah” for me though. Wasn’t feeling myself. Headache. Low energy. Nauseous. But I’m sure there will be highs and lows. My first follow-up appt is on Tuesday, so we’ll see what Doc has to say. I’m kinda nervous about eating food again after having NOT for a month. Especially after that chicken salad incident…but we’ll see.     I guess other than that, everything is ok. I’m looking forward to many more milestones and shopping sprees. And I can’t WAIT to to rock my new SIZE 18 dress at the wedding. *super smile* Nope. Folks ain’t ready… Yup - wearing this to the wedding!     Thanks again for all of the encouragement, and for taking this ride with me. It’s gonna be full of ups & downs…but it’s sure to be memorable!
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

1
 

shEmotions (original post 9.29.10)

1 wk ago, I did something that will forever change the course of my life.     I think I was grossly unprepared for the emotional roller coaster I’d be riding though. I read about, but kinda shrugged it off. I’m emotional, this is true. But I’m strong…and this thang seems to be getting the better of me…     Yesterday, I struggled with the thought of no longer being in “control” of my weight (for the most part, at least for the next year or so)…I cried when I realized that I would no longer be the bodacious, busty, lusty big girl that I’ve been known to be after I purchased a bra A LOT smaller than the one I wore 3 wks ago (46DDD/F to a 44DD)…I cried as I tried to remind myself that my “larger than life” body didn’t MAKE who I was as a “larger than life woman”. I am who I am…but if who I am – and always have been – is a vivacious BIG GIRL, BBW, +Sized Diva, FULL-FIGURED Vixen… What happens when the weight falls off and I’m no longer considered…BIG?? *sigh* :biggrin0:     I’m sure folks who have never struggled w/their weight OR have lost weight on their own over a long period of time may not fully understand the BFD. But when you suddenly see yourself melting away – literally – especially in a significantly short period of time – it can be a little unnerving.     YES, I know this is what I signed up for. And honestly, it’s kinda crazy because I DO love what I’m starting to see in the mirror. But the fact that it’s happening right before my eyes so quickly is Freaking. Me. Out. Little things like washing my face and actually being able to feel my face structure, or putting on a pair of sweat pants that now have a saggy crotch…or doing a double take when I walk past the mirror…or my aunt calling me a “skinny beeyotchhh” in jest. I guess there is a 1st time for everything!     Skinnyway…     In the midst of my emotional outburst yesterday, I temporarily did something hella dumb. Now, I have 1 more wk on the liquid diet to go. So why did I think I could get away w/taking a *teeny-tiny* bite of chicken salad? *smdh* Super. HUGE. Epic. Fail. It got “stuck”. It was the most awful feeling in the world (now I know what Lap Band’ers go thru. BAH!). No harm, no foul…but trust I’m sticking to the game plan from here on out. Just 1 more week to go to meatloaf & mashed potatoes…says my dietitian ! (Well, only a table spoon or so, but I’ll take it)     Speaking of food – my dietitian/nutritionist recommended an AWESOME cook book for post weight loss surgery folks called “Eating Well After Weight Loss Surgery”. Some high protein/lower fat recipes that will make your mouth water, are quick & easy, and full of flavor. (ie: stuffed cabbage, parmesan crusted turkey, and ham-n-cheese stuffed chicken breast *yummmmmoooooooohhhhhh*:drool5:) After all – there is life – and GOOD FOOD – after weight-loss. I am, and will always be a Foodie. I’m just learning to be a healthier one…I knew that for ME, I would be unsuccessful with ANY weight loss program/regimen/surgical tool that would not afford me the foods that I love. Portion Control & exercise. I. CAN. DO. THIS!:thumbup:     One last thing: I don’t think you fully realize how out of control your weight was until you start losing it. And you never realize that even if folks compliment your fatness/curves/etc, they still notice when you have seriously crept up the scale – until they mention it on your way down the scale *lol*   On that note – I’m calling it a night/morning. I’ll keep y’all posted – as usual.   *Change came quick – I brought it*
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

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Game. ON. (3 days post-op...original post 9.24.10)

*grinnin ear to ear* :biggrin0:   Heyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! ((This will just be a quickie update until I can get to a pc and not have to blog via crackberry))     I made it to the other side!! Not w/out a few obstacles. But 3 days post-op, and I feel pretty great. My surgery was on Tuesday, and today…I’m in amazement.     1st of all – the pain that I anticipated wasn’t the issue – my biggest prob has been nausea. Like, morning sickness on crack. The. Worst. *blah* And other then my BP going thru the roof and them having to admit me to ICU b/c of it…everything else went off with out a hitch. I was up walking by wednesday eve, and kept it going yesterday…(And looking forward to putting on some kicks and walking the block)     I’d be remiss if I didn’t say that Potomac Hospital (in Woodbridge, VA) freekin rocks! Dr. Halmi & staff made this experience a great one, as far as surgery goes. Now, the pure craziness? I started at 310# pre-liquid diet. Today, I weighed? I’m already down to 283#! *gadzooks* :thumbup: I’m still sorta-kinda in disbelief, really. I had to go buy new pannies today…like, WTH? *laughing wildly*     I will say – I’m. More. Motivated. Than. Ever. Tomorrow, I’m gonna take a stroll down by the water…then after my follow-up, I’m gonna hit step class once a week. But the real excitement for me? Going back to bellydancing class. I have never felt sexier than after a good belly-dance workout. Just beware – you may end up knocked up, like I did! (Quiet as kept ladies – one of THE best workouts you’ll ever get. Total body, plus the added “benefits” that come with working the Yoni *wink, wink, wink* – anyone in the DC area down, we can try to meet up for a class. Check out Dr. Sunyatta at: www.gomamasita.com)     In any event – I just wanted to send out a collective thank you to all my friends/fam – real world & online – who have been praying for me and supporting me and encouraging me beyond belief. I could NOT have done this without you.     More follow-up’s as the transformation continues…but for now, sweet sleep!
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

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Sleeve Eve (original post 9.20.10)

*woooooosaaaaaaaaah* I’ve been trying to avoid (delay?) an anxiety attack…so perhaps this quickie post will help alleviate some of my angst.     Maybe I’m not starting off properly – see, I AM, in fact, STOKED about this move tomorrow. There are no words, really. Something that I’ve struggled with for 30+ years…will soon be not as much of a struggle. I won’t/can’t say effortless – as I know I’m in for a pretty rude awaking in a few hours…BUT, rude is probably what works best in this instance.     Today, I’m just tying up loose ends with GGX, washing clothes, and lovin on my mini-G. I’m gonna stay w/my g’ma for a few days post- , so I don’t have a wild 2 y/o trying to climb & clammor all on me…and I can actually get the rest I need (which I KNOW wldnt happen at my house *pfft*).     Not really sure why I’m so nervous. I’ve had major surgery before but I this this is a whole new realm. I do find solace in the fact that I went with a noted surgical Center of Excellence who has taken amazing care of me and made the journey getting to surgery as easy as pie *mmmmmmmm, pieeeeeeeee*.     Dr. Denis Halmi promised to take good care of me, so I’m good w/that. I was thinking about something last night: as much as I’ve enjoyed (for the most part) being a “sexy big gurl” – deemed by others, not myself *lol*, I think I may enjoy being a “sexy healthy gurl” @ various sizes on down to my goal of 160#) just as much – if not more. *grin* I’m a foodie at heart, so there will be some moments of struggle (maybe anger, too? *lol* you know that’s a standard feeling in most break-ups)… BUT: no food tastes as good as getting this 140# monkey off my back is gonna feel. BELIEVE THAT.     This is also the perfect opportunity to re-train my eating habits along the way. Another thought I had? I’m actually looking forward to getting my work-out on. I love to exercise really, but my knees & hips, and back were the ones in opposition. So, at the start, imma get me some Shape Up shoes and get to walking while the weather is still nice, and hit step class once per/week. By the new year, I should be relatively pain free, and will head back to Dr. Sunyatta to get my Yoni work-out & bellydance on.     Yeahhhhhh, mannnnnn. Victory is going to be so sweet. I can almost taste it!     So, until then, my friends…See ya on the other side of anesthesia.   *change soon come – I BRING IT*
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

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LEss than 1 week 'til my Geyonce' transformation!

*re-posted from the forum for posterity*   7# down and ret-ta-go!!   I guess there is something to this pre-op liquid diet after all. Granted, I sorta kinda cheated, but not really cheated. I replaced 2 lean proteins (egg beaters in the am, a skinless boneless chix breast in the pm)…which helped me stay better on target during the rest of the day. After doing my research on the liver shrinking diets (the entire point of the pre-op diet, so the liver is more out of the way – ie: less FATTY), I decided that I could do that without detriment to the process. Must be working! I was told today “well, at least you were smart about it”. Funny thing? I think I’m gonna forgo the substitutions from here on out. I was so excited w/the small goal – that it broadened my veiw of the bigger picture. So, I’m all in! Let’s ger ‘er done!:thumbup1:     One week from today…the physical transformation begins where the mental one began 6 months ago. 9/21 – Surgery Day *woot & giggety* Today I had my final nutrition class and met w/the anesthesiologist. Everyone in there is scheduled for surgery next week, so I have a few buddies to walk the halls w/on Tuesday (since they will be getting us up to walk almost immediately afterwards). IDK how I end up w/the group of class clowns – but it made for a good time of bonding, musing, and well-wishes for the future. Good information, good vibes, and really…a bunch of excitement. I was also able to pre-register (which will give me an extra 45 mins of sleep time that morning), so all I have to do is show up Tuesday and go right to the surgical suite. Time to get this party started!!!     I can hardly believe that this is REALLY going to happen. I mean, to get a grip on the fact that this time next year – I will be close to half the size I am today is…unreal. *eyes watering*:001_wub: I’m at a loss for words, really. Just thankful for those on this journey with me in spirit, and in sisterhood…old friends who have had my back, and new ones to take my hand.     This is a happy time, but there is also a lot of work to do. It’s not lost on me that some folks -however well meaning in their “encouragement” – still still seem to think the surgical option to help get the weight off is a cop out. I won’t even get into the superiority complex :drool5: Far be it from me to say they aren’t entitled to their opinion (after all, just like @$$holes, we’ve all got one, right?) But for ME, I felt it the best way to expediciously put a halt to some of my immediate ailments (mainly neck, back/spinal issues, hip, knee pain that dr’s were discussion surgery for. So, surgery to fix an ailment that would only reoccur b/c of the weight? Or surgery to jumpstart the process of getting the weight off so I wouldn’t need numerous other more invasive surgeries in the future?) and get me on the right track for my future. Working this tool the way it is supposed to be worked w/healthy habits & lifestyle… exercise…is. A. MUST.   Before I forget – the physical trainer they have at my surgical center that spoke today? Used to weigh 500#. And decided AGAINST weight loss surgery. She quit her job, and has lost over 300# – she looks freakin AMAZING. IDK how many of us can afford to quit our jobs to lose weight, but she did. She is a domestic violence survivor that packed on 260+ pounds as a coping mechenism during a bad marriage. She decided to make this her life’s work – helping design exercises and workouts for those of us fatty’s will some restrictions due to injuries, ailments, etc. She knows what it’s like to be fat and try to do jumping jacks…and she said that a lot of the exercises that other trainers (who most likely have always been athletic/healthy) try to get folks fatty’s to do – sometimes do more harm than good to their bodies. She is sensitive – but honest – and will help you do the work. And I can’t WAIT to hut her Zumba class…(Check her out if you’re in the woodbridge area. Her name is Amy – and her info is on the bluepointgroup.com website) She is totally amazing and inspiring…I may have decided on the surgical route for my own personal reasons, but I still hope to be just a much of an inspiration to someone, someday.   Any way…I was just feeling so full that I needed to get it out. These rants & musings are a key part of my journey, and will no doubt become more frequent along the transformation process. Stay tuned… (I know this post was all over the place – but I was excited and full of emotion. I know y’all understand me)
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

1
 

Mind over Matter...

*repost from the forum, for posterity*   I started my 2 wk pre-op liquid diet yesterday. I don’t think a fattygirl like me realized how big a part food played in my life until I had to give it up. Granted, I'm doing the Opti-Fast plan and will have shakes, protein bars, and soups – plus all the SF jello, SF pops, and all the crystal lite, water, decaf tea/coffe (unsweetend) that I want, too. BUT, going from being a fatty-foodie, to being soooo conscious of NOT putting food into my mouth has been hard. Its more of a mental thing than anything. Tho I won’t lie – around 4pm on the first day – a migraine hit me like a Mack truck! Then the dizziness, weakness, and irritability (of course). I just kept saying out loud “I canttttt doooo thisssss!!” Yet, I WAS doing it.   Go figure.   “They” say, it will get easier with each day. But day 2 hasn’t been any easier. *lol* in fact, it’s been harder. But still, I’ve stayed on course. I almost flubbed it – I walked into my Candy Man’s office at work (you know, there’s always SOMEbody that has a dish of candy on their desk) and popped a Werther’s Original into my mouth as I usually do. I didn’t catch myself at first, then about 30 second into me sucking on the buttery goodness I got the deer-in-the headlights look and went & spit it out in the trashcan. But that’s something, right?   12.5 more days to go before surgery with no relief in sight.   But I guess I gotta do this one day…one sip of water…one bite of jello…one sip of soup…at a time.   *Jesus be the taste of a Big Mac on my tastebuds* AMEN. :thumbup1:
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

1
 

That Dress

I wore my favorite dress last Saturday night. It was a bittersweet. I freakin’ rocked that dress, if I might say so myself. (as much as it could be rocked by someone that weighs 300#) And if ppl’s reaction / responses to me in that dress were any indication – I was a Red Foxx!!   But alas, I realized that it will be the last time I wear that dress (unless I can manage to rock it another time or 2 before 9/21). It still trips me out that quite a few folks – including a few miscellaneous ppl in various store I stopped at – including folks outside my general realm of admirers ( to be PC about it *lol*) were gassing up my head! but maybe...it was just a nice. dress.   Thing is, given my recent over-all disgust over my appearance…I felt…GOOD in that dress. It may have been a fluke – as I know that will be the last time some of those folks will see me this size, but I again made me think about my concerns about me future “post” body. My big & bodacious body so round & full of life…will soon shrink…I’m just wondering if my personality will, too.   See, this is a new place for me. Insecure about this frame I’m in…unable to take a compliment, for the most part. I wonder how that will change in the coming year – if at all.   I have so many funky-fresh outfits & dresses I’ve accumulated over the years, i'm gonna miss how I looked in (some) of it, yanno?   That’s neither here nor there, I guess. I’m just gonna enjoy this last lil bit of summer in my size 22/24/3x big girl clothes.   Change soon come – I bring it!
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

3
 

Fear Factor?

I was asked today – what I’m afraid of. It’s not the typical response, I guess. I’m not worried about the surgery, really. I’m strong in my faith & know that God is in control. But one of my girlfriends asked me why [i keep saying that] I don’t want to get down past a sz 14/16. (background: she is also plus sized. A former GB’er that gained back her weight, and is now doing it the natural way, with KICK @$$ results, too!) I responded that I enjoy being a curvy lady. Honestly, I have no desire to get “skinny”, or look emaciated, or sullen, or even unhealthy [as I have seen in some folks w/dramatic/rapid weight loss]. Let’s face it: just because a person is no longer morbidly obese, doesn’t mean that they don’t (or won’t) have any other health issue [unrelated to weight]. For me – at a sz 14/16 I was the picture of health – even according to my family physican. Over weight by the “charts” standards, but perfectly healthy otherwise. And I FELT healthy. And I LOOKED healthy. That was me, at 185lbs – 5’3”. So…why then, should I be looked at as crazy (not by said friend, but maybe what some folks are thinking but won’t say) for wanting to maintain my weight where I feel most comfortable & healthy – IF there I have no health issues…instead of trying to get as small/skinny/thin/little as possible? She did remind me that my body will pretty much dictate where I end up, if I am follow the proper course. It’s just been a nagging question for me though: Is me wanting to be comfortable in my skin, after all is said & done, a fear? Maybe. *shrug* I’m just still feeling my way around it. The only think I DO know, is that I’ll be a lot better off THERE (185#)…than I am HERE (305#). *I’ll drink to that* Reality dictates that some folks just ain’t meant to be “thin”, no matter how hard they work at it. I’ve made my peace with that. But I would also like to be at peace with where my final weight will be after all is said and done. Having numerous friends who have had various types of WLS… each with different end-results (some feeling like they didn’t lose enough – some who felt they lost too much)…one thing is certain: I can’t (and won’t) try to predict what I’ll look like in a year or even 2 from now. I will just do what I’m supposed to do, and honor my commitment to myself & my family to be eat healthy, think healthy, live healthy…BE HEALTHY. Whatever weight, whatever size. I’m I the only one that has ever had these concerns? What say you?
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

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Really? I mean...REALLY??!?!?!?

*begin rant* Do people who have NEVER had any struggle w/their weight really have ANY earthly idea how hard it is being a fatty? ESPECIALLY one who has struggled with weight their entire life. I’m just tired of the superiority that comes along with [some] thin folks. Especially-especially those that ASSUME they are healthy simply b/c they are thin. My doc was actually shocked at my last physical. No HBP, no high cholesterol, no diabetes, blood tests were fine, kidney & liver function were fine. Heart was good & strong. If i wasn't morbidly obese, I'd be healthy *lol* And he went on to tell me how many average size – assumingly “Healthy” folks would come in and have all of these health ailments and be on all kind of medications for cholesterol, HBP, etc. Most everyone has one vice or another. It may not be food…but it’s something. Cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex…SOMETHING. All I know – if one more thin/“healthy” chain-smoking, coke-snorting, alcoholic, gambling, sex-addict says ONE more thing to me about my weight – there are gonna be consequences and repercussions! *BAH* If they hate me now? LAwd…There’s no hope for them come this time next year. Nonsense like this only makes me THAT more determined to hit Geyonce status (Gina + Beyonce = Geyonce) – and STAY there. *uh oh uh oh* :huh0: *end rant* Happy Friday all!
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

4
 

Last tango in Fatville

[8/12/10]   I realized today as I was getting dressed that I always seem to go the “extra mile” when it comes to my appearance on days I go to the doctor. Today I meet w/my bariatric surgeon & dietician on the path forward. Sept 21 will be here before I know it!     But back to appearance – it just dawned on me that I think I go all extra on days I know I’m going to the Fatty Doc, bc I feel like my “cute” will somehow overshadow my “fat” – which is often…or at least SOMEtimes the case in the real world. But at a bariatric Dr.’S office – they rarely see the “cute” – if at all, and mostly only see a person that they are glad had sense enough to do something major, about a major health crisis. *sigh*   I’m good at being fat. Have been fat my entire life. And though after all is said & done a year from now, for all intents & purposes – I’ll still be a fat girl…but a lot healthier one (and 75-100 lighter). It didn’t hit me until today that this will most likely be my last “uncomfortable, morbidly obese, disgusted with myself and how big I’ve gotten” summer. This time next year – I won’t be so cramped in the metro seat as I blog by crackberry, ill be walking taller w/a lil more pep in my step, AND I will have ridden the rollercoasters that I haven’t been able to get on for the past 5 yrs – at least a thousand times.     While still struggling with some future vanity concerns and how ill feel in my new body – I’m still excited. & optimistic that this was the best decision for ME.     I know I’m cute (most of the time)…but for so long the magnitude of my good-lookigness has been overshadowed by my weight.   Get. Ready. Here she comes… *doin my Geyonce dance* uh oh uh oh uh oh…
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

1
 

No. Turning. Back.

[7/13/10]   Well folks – it’s official! I got the call on Friday that my insurance has approved me for surgery. As I mentioned, I’ve officially decided on the gastric sleeve vs. The lapband…and I’m confident that this IS the right decision for me. I’ve been blessed with a new lease on a healthier life – that won’t just benefit me – but my family!     My nerves (a.k.a. The Vanity Monster) are already kicking in – but not even as it relates to the surgery itself. Still hella nervous about my “post” body and extra skin & such…but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. I am really trying to wrap my mind around the fact that after all I’ve done over the years – that this is something that WILL get some of this weight off. My personal goal is only 75-100# – which is much less than what the surgeon would like – but I know where I will be comfortable weight-wise. The bonus to the sleeve vs. other tyes of WLS is the loss is slow & steady. The average is about 10 lbs/month which gives me/my body time to exercise/tone/adjust. *sigh*     So much to think about. And knowing that I’ll be on liquids for 4 wks has kick started a “Last Supper” syndrome of me wanting to eat everything in sight. I really need to get a handle on myself – b/c I don’t want to throw away all that I’ve learned in the nutrition classes, and ruin this lifestyle change before it even gets going real good. Yeah, ill still be able to eat the stuff I love – just LOTS less of it…and probably not really getting to that point until the new year rolls around.     It’s going to be a long, hard journey – because what I’ve learned thus far is that WLS is just a tool – not the be all end all of weight loss. Some folks have gained all of their weight back, or not even gotten a significan amount off. I must stay the course…my life depends on it.     Ill remain true to the original intent of this blog – now that on Sept 21 – I will begin the hardest part of my transformation. Thanks to all who have supported & encouraged. And thanks to those that haven’t been so supportive. Its don’t nothing but make me want this more. Get ready yall …Geyonce is (almost) in the building. *uh oh uh oh uh oh uh oh*
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

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Sometimes, I wonder...

[3/28/10]   Sometimes I wonder what miscellaneous people see when they look at me. Are they disgusted by my appearence as much as I am lately? Like, admittedly, when I see someone fat (my size on upwards of 4 or 500lbs): I wonder if there sturggles w/food have been like mine, I wonder how they feel about themselves, and wonder if they are as uncomfortable as I have been (physically, in terms of knee/hip/foot pain, exhaustion, etc) But most of all, I wonder if they have ever reached the end of their rope w/their weight/health or if they are content with being that way. I ask, b/c I know that some folks enjoy being overweight (ie: the lady recenty who aiming at trying to be 1200 lbs or something so assinine) I’m not judging. And this is not intended to sound/read as such – I’m just curious about peoples lives…and if, like me, they too are just as fed up with being (so) fat & out of shape…but don’t know what to do about it.     I know people probably look at me on the Metro when I’m about to take a seat next to them thinking “noooooooo, I don’t want that fat broad squeezing me into the seat!!”. I’m very aware of peoples reactions…and it hurts. I just wonder if it affects anyone like it has affected me. And further – at what point do you decide to do something about your health. Being fat I could care lass about. IF I could be fat (morbidly obese is a less pretty term for the truth) AND healthy at this size…ok. But I think it’s physically impossible to be over a certain weight and not have any health issues (present & future) associated with it. Some folks are just riding down the river called denial. I know for me I wasn’t particularly in denial – its just that everything I tried never lasted long term, and I grew sick of feeling like crap about myself – especially over the past year.     I don’t want to become one of those folks that acts (seems to act) like I’m so much more enlightened because I’ve decided to do something about my health – because that’s ALL this is about for me. But I wonder if people really know where they stand in terms of mortality. I’ll put it this way – there is NO food good enough, no alcoholic beverage tasty enough…for me to remain in my current state. I need help trying to shave some years off the death sentance I’ve given myself over the past 2 decades, and pray that the Insurance “Mayor” makes the Lapband surgery an easy pardon. I’m at my wits end. Add to it married life, motherhood, 9-5 job, jewelry biz…I’m damn near ready to throw myself (and a few other select ppl) off the Woodrow Wilson bridge. But its only a matter of time. Change come soon – I bring it!
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

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A rose by any other name...

[3/11/10]   Vanishing Vixen.   Vanishing…   An interesting choice of adjectives for my new serial blogger moniker… as pointed out to me yesterday. I was asked if I would be “disappearing” my personality as well as my weight. *straightface* And was told (by someone that has known me for almost 20yrs) that I seem to be letting this journey get the best of me already…as if I plan to “vanish” into nothingness, or become a shrinking violet (AS IF!)*because* I’m so used to being a Big, Bold, Bodacious (sometimes brash, and VERY bossy *lol*) woman. Maybe the adjectives (all but the “big”) that alot folk -self included- seem to think of me as… will indeed vanish when the weight starts coming off.   *really ruminating & marinating on the implications*     I mean, how much of my personality has been tied to my size? And has it been that way to mask insecurity, or just an extra measure of attention whorism? I have a hard time believing either of the two, really. While I do like to be complimented when I go the extra mile to be fully fabulous (most of the time – yesterday, I looked like “Who slew Auntie Rue?” ‘s GRANDMOTHER *ugh*) , or my face beat like I’m a MAC Make-up artist, or I’m rocking some of my hottest GGX Jewels…what woman wouldn’t want to be appreciated for her appearance? In fact, its also been pointed out that I have a hard time taking a compliment, and by NO means wish to be the center of attention when in a crowd or otherwise (unless we are talking about with my man, in the boudoir *smirk* ) Go figure. But… $h!t, I am who the hell I am. I AM cute. I AM sexy. I AM fabulous…I just haven’t been feeling it as much lately. *shrug*     It’s really made me think about this mental/emotional space I’m in. Does my larger-than-life, feisty personality seem to be shrinking (or vanishing, so to speak) much like I want my body to do? It’s been said that I seem to have been extremely hard on myself lately (more particularly, the last 6-9 mnths) in terms of my confidence, etc.   Why is that?     The fat ugly truth is a number of varied & sundry things. Alot not even having anything to do with my weight/size, so much as it has to do with other areas of my life. Some of which are totally unrelated, but are stressors none-the-less.     I’m a wife (to man that works nights), still a relatively new “MeMe” (as she calls me) to a rambunxious lil 22mnt old squirt, I have a fairly stressful 9-5 career, on top of a jewelry biz that requires a lot of my time if I’m ever to make a go of it (why? Because *I* personally make everything myself. I’m not pushing other ppl’s wares, here). And a lot of times I feel ill-equipped to handle any of it – let alone all of it at once. *wooosahhhhh* So yeah, all of the combined stress (add to it this suck-@$$ economy) has a way of knockin a sistah off her game – in more ways than one. So what on the surface may seem like one thing, is a culmination of others. And of course…I know. Things could ALWAYS be worse, so I AM grateful for my many blessings. There have just been a few “ah ha!” moments over the past year in particular, that made me realize that I am sooooo far from where I want (or planned) to be in my life at 35. Weight/health included. It be’s that way sometime. *shrug, again*   IDK…     Is it even really that serious? *lol* I’m hormonal this week. That may account for some of the bloggarhea today. Sometimes I just can’t get out of my own head. But that doesn’t make me crazy…it makes me human. And blogging it…helps me *relax.relate.release* it all.     I’m not scared of what people will think of me for showing who I truly am. Good, bad, ugly, indifferent, confident, insecure, wealthy, poor, encouraged, defeated. It is what it is…and I am who I am. And what I’ve realized more than anything in my 5 or so years of bloggerdom, is that the folks who generally “seem” to have their $h!t together…don’t. *lol* and sometimes are even more screwed up inside/in their life than me, or than they may ever let on to the world. The playing field is even, if you ask me. But nobody did [ask]… Oh well! I’m keeping on…keeping on…
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

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Fat Mommy @the Playground

[3/6/10]   Being the Fat Mommy at the playground (with the cherubic angel faced albeit a lil chubby) is NO. FUN.     It was a very rude awakening for me about how people look at fatties like myself. And even moreso at the kids of these fat parents – especially if they display one iota of being a little rounder than the other kids. My daughter is beautiful, outgoing, funny, loving, affectionate…but I caught the looks of other parents – at me, then her, then me again, then her again, then a shaking of the head or look of…pity.     I mean, really?? I was the ONLY parent out in the play area running around with my child – yet they looked at me like I shoud be ashamed…for being fat, and for having the nerve to be seen in public running around with my lil chubby toddler.     Now, in my defense – GiGi was in NYC being spoiled by Auntie and G’ma. She put on a few pounds BUT, that doesn’t mean that she is destined to be a fat girl like her mother. I’ve seen a lot of chubby toddlers with SKINNY parents, and aint nobody giving THEM the gasface. *gasfacing the ppl that gave ME the gasface*     I’m on this journey so that I can be healthy, and live longer and have the opportunity to enjoy playing with my growing child. Not only to mention, to teach her healthy eating & living habits. I’m overly concerned about her lot in life in terms of body type and (future) self image…which makes me super sensitive to things like what happened yesterday. I was litterally in tears when we left, and typing thru tear-filled eyes now. I’m on my way to a better life…and my not-even 2 year old daughter hopefully won’t remember me as the Fat Mommy that everybody else sees…but as the woman who would do anything in the world for her.     IDK…reality checks are the hardest to cash. This will only make me more determined to stay the course. And bring my entire family with me on the way...
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

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The intro...

Greetings all! I'm a newbie - and a transplant from the LapBand talk forum. I started my journey on March 1 of this year - and have since decided to go with the gastric sleeve since it's now approved by my insurance company. I'll be posting a few of my previous blogs, as well as some new ones. Dig in!       (original blog date Feb 2010)     10/2009   Take a good look. This is what Morbid Obesity looks like.   Let me preface this by saying that at first I was going to keep it all a hush-hush big super secret squirrel secret. But I figured blogging would not only help me chronicle my journey, but serve as a sounding board. Of course I run the risk of opening myself up to criticism and negativity. But I figured…they talked about Jesus they’ll talk about me too. And what’s more is – I really don’t give a rat’s sweaty nads. *shrug*     With that said… I’ve never had a problem with being full-figured. In fact, I’ve embraced it. It’s a part of the me that I’ve been proud to be. Even flaunted my curves. And its not like I’ve been starved for attention. Most…well, a lot (only basing on what I’ve been told) of men (women too) think that I’m (are you ready for this?) SEXY. I’m not bragging at all…but can you imagine? Me, at 298lbs…on a 5′3″ frame. What doctors frown at in disapproval. What some people in public look at in disgust…but yet others…desire. To this day. As recently as an hour ago.   8/2008       *smh kinda confused* Admittedly, I’ve thought the same thing for a long time. My self esteem has remained in its proper sometimes over-elevated place. The men folk (husband included) never seemed to have had a problem with it, so I never had a problem with it…     Until now. I’m at my biggest ever. Almost 30lbs more than I weighed when I was 9 months pregnant (2 years ago). I’m uncomfortable. I don’t like what I see in the mirror any more. My feet hurt. My knees ache. (ironically enough, the VERY reason why working out has been such a chore – that aside from time: 9-5 job, jewelry biz, almost 2 year old daughter, and a hubby that works nights/weekends). And now, my once high (sometimes too high) self esteem has taken a nosedive. So what to do??     9/2002       I’ve done the diets, the shakes, the cleanses, the “lifestyle change”, the pills, the work-out regimen, etc… Something has to be done. NOW. So after about 6 months of mulling it over, I’ve opted to have the LAP-BAND®®®® surgery. In fact, that’s the entire reason for this blog. My goal is 75-100lbs. Realistically, at 200lbs, I’ll still be +size…but ALOT better off than I am now.     I’m making a decision to better my life, and thereby, my family’s life. I will learn healthier habits to pass on to my daughter and share with my husband, as well as actually be around a lot longer to see her grow up, and grow into the olden golden years with her daddy. This vixen, is about to change her game up, for good.     I have my physical exam and initial info session at the Bariatric Surgeon’s office on Monday. Then comes the consult to chart the path forward, counseling, etc. I will join the Million Pound Challlenge to help get me started on the right track. But that’s Monday – and it’s going to be a life-changing day. So this weekend, I’m gettin it in. *lol* I’m gonna eat what I want…probably for the last time (at least for a long time); Celebrate my 35th bday (late, bc of all the snow) and celebrate in anticipation of a new life and a new, even sexier, healthier me… I’m excited.     I can only pray that by sharing this journey, it will garner some support & encouragement from friends, acquaintances, and strangers alike. But even if it doesn’t, it’s no skin off my teeth. I’m CERTAIN that my words will touch or encourage SOMEONE out there.   1/2010     Beauty can be found at ANY size. From a size 6 to 26. However, HEALTH cannot. And that’s all its about for me. Taking off some pounds to add some years to my life. Phine, re-defined… *sexy grin*
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

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