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The Big Day is Here
Two Weeks Out
Wow
I almost never sleep well, and fight constantly with apnea.
I'm sick so often.
I hate exercise so much -- if I walk long distances (or even stand up straight for too long), something is always chafing or rubbing or constricting. It's not surprising... with that much flab to move around, who would be comfortable?
I have such a hard time finding clothes that fit. I buy huge, tent-like clothes to try to fit into and "hide" my flab, but let's be real... I'm not fooling anybody.
I feel so awkward in social situations -- I'm very body-shy, and it's very difficult for me to avoid the belief that someone is "judging" me for my body.
Some years ago, I had LASIK surgery because I was very nearsighted. I had to wear thick, coke bottle glasses (or contacts, but they were killing my eyes). I was very frightened of the surgery, to be honest -- I was worried I would go blind or something. But I got through it; I did my best to follow the surgeon's instructions TO THE LETTER, and when my eyes had fully healed, I had better than 20/20 vision (20/10 in one eye, 20/15 in the other). It wasn't entirely a positive experience; I had to shell out five thousand dollars of my own money (LASIK was still new). It was a little painful and a lot frightening, but I still consider it one of the best choices I've ever made. I still just stare out on this beautiful world, sometimes, and marvel at how nice it is to be able to really SEE without thick lenses or frames chafing my ears or getting smudged or slipping down (and making everything look small, that's one odd effect of glasses that they never mention -- everything looks so SMALL). It was totally worth the money, and I would do it again in a moment. So that's how I'm thinking of the weight loss surgery. I've done the research; on almost every single metric, this surgery will improve my life. It will add years of life expectancy, and (maybe more important), it will likely be QUALITY life, not years spent in sickness and decline. It will restore my mental image of myself as a "normal looking" guy to reality. It will hopefully ease my constant anxiety that something is Dreadfully Wrong with me, health-wise (I'm fortunate that almost all of my anxiety is, for now, ungrounded -- but how long will THAT last?). YES, there will be some initial pain, but apparently not much. YES, I'll have to likely deal with some nausea or "sliming" or whatever, but that's a small price to pay. YES, I'll have to re-learn how to eat, and make good food choices every single day, but to be honest, I should have been doing that anyhow. I'm hoping that, like the LASIK surgery, I'll look back on this in a few years and say "would I do it again? Absolutely, yes. In a heartbeat." Because after looking at myself in all of my non-glory today, I don't like what I see. That much fat just can't be sustained. This kind of life of pain, embarrassment, discomfort, and always waiting for the "other shoe to fall," health-wise, just can't last. I have to do it. I think, now, I may finally WANT to do it.
Farewell to...
Three weeks out
My List of Demands
I always have some sort of aches and pains. Whether it's the shoulder I just mentioned, or my back, or (lately, worryingly) my knees, or my elbows. Or, I have a headache, or muscle cramps, or whatever. I know that some of this is just "getting older," but I also know that being obese is a big, big part of it (pun semi-intended).
My sex-life is almost nonexistent. My partner is very patient with me, but it's still a source of some friction. I have almost no libido, and the few times that I do, I rarely have the energy to DO anything about it.
My skin is very poor. I get constant rashes and dermatitis. This is very embarrassing, and it's one more thing that I use prescription medication to control. A portion of this is genetic, but it is modulated by bodily stress, and obesity (with its constant low-grade inflammation state) is a major bodily stress.
I feel like I complain too much, but the reality is that I DO have a lot of physical complaints. I don't like being a "complainer" -- I'm hoping that losing weight and getting healthier will result in having less to complain about!
I struggle a lot with anxiety. I chalk this up to exhaustion (see my first point) and my excessive caffeine use.
I have very poor body self-esteem. I tend to avoid social situations because I am nervous about being so obese and having people mock or insult me for it. A portion of this is just stuff I'll have to work through, but not being obese will help me to not have to worry so much about it!
I have low energy -- I rarely have the energy to go do "fun" stuff with my girlfriend, so weekends are just sitting around at home.
It seems to me like I get sick a lot considering that I'm still relatively young and in relatively good health (aside from my obesity).
There are all sorts of things I either can't do (skydiving) or don't feel safe doing (bicycling, kayaking) due to my weight and size.
I have to wear giant, ill-fitting clothes to either hide or accomodate my flab.
It's just a matter of time before I develop serious health problems, at this weight, and that knowledge at the back of my mind makes me anxious.
My memory is very poor. I forget names and facts and figures very quickly. It's embarrassing and further limits me socially. Er... wait. Did I mention this already?
Less than One Week Out
Relearning
Last Day
Getting closer...
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