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4 days to go until brisbane

Today is Saturday the boys had softball this morning they played well. I have a few things on my mind and I dont know what to do or who to talk to. Anyway its like this I want to be thin so bad I even enjoy walking of a morning but what the hell am I going to to about my addiction. All I think about is food I know I have made it this far and Im proud of myself. But I am now starting to have withdrawals and I hate it. If I tell Darren or mum how i feel and what it is going on in my mind they will be very disappointed with me and I dont want that. I dont want Darren to be angry with me because I love him and I hate arguing with him it hurts me. I dont need the food because Im not hungry and I know its bad for me so why do I crave it. I hate myself because of my head. I thought I was going good what is happening to my head. How am I going to get out of this head space. Do I need to go and see Jean. I cant say anything in Brisbane because they will get angry at me and I hate the feeling of anger towards me. I hate the thought of letting people down , I dont want to let anyone down, I have failed at this before time and time again over and over. Im scared that I am going to lose it and take it out on Darren and the kids and I dont want that because its not their fault , I cant let myself take it out on the ones closest to me . Im a bit pissed off at myself because I thought I would have lost more weight by now but anyway I have so I have to put up with it. Brisbane on Wednesday .
jodie07

jodie07

1
 

march 27 2007

Today is a great day I started walking again last Monday I could only walk about 800 mts but today I walked 1.8 kms. I was really proud of myself. i weighed in yesterday and I am down to 154 kilos. I am back down to the weight when Darren moved here. I am feeling great but I am excited to go back to Brisbane next week for my first fill. I dont want to eat a full sandwich, a half will do me. have been cooking our main meal from Annettes books and everyone is happy about that.The kids just love the meals.They make me feel healthy and Im losing weight and Im not denying myself of anything.:kiss2:
jodie07

jodie07

1
 

Day 20

Day 20.....ohh my god i am down tp 156.2 kgs I just cant believe it.I am so happy about it:) . Ros rang me today and she is rapped in my progress.I am starting a full diet next thursday. :hungry: I just have to keep going on track and things will be great.Always have a positive outlook and never let food control me again.
jodie07

jodie07

1
 

Day 18

Day 18....I feel great . i am down to 159 kilos now and I can kiss away the 60's 70's and freaking 80's, never again will I see those numbers again.Its all down hill from here and this is the only time i want things to go down hill for me. my shirts are starting to get a bit big on me now but who cares. I am currently having porriage for breaky. mash or soup for lunch and mash with some chicken or rissotto for dinner. and water in between meals. :kiss2:
jodie07

jodie07

1
 

Day 12

Day 12.... Im doing great, had a call from Ros(dietian) yesterday and she is very happy with me. I am now on mashed vegies and fish and soft things. It was nice to have fish and vegies last nite. I had porriage this morning and it was nice. Scrambled eggs for lunch so Ill see how that goes down. All I know is that if I go slow then Ill be fine. Im glad to be back in bed sleeping well now . I spoke to the hospital today and they said I can go for gentle walks how cool is that.
jodie07

jodie07

1
 

Day 9

Day 9... Woke up great couldnt sleep in bed but slept not to bad. i am laying down longer on the bed now for about 30 minutes. Took the boys to footy it was nice to get out. It was great to see darren and the boys playing footy together. They had a great time. Very thirsty today Im drinking alot of water. I have more energy today , I even went shopping and felt ok.:clap2:
jodie07

jodie07

1
 

Day 8

Day 8 ..... Had a bad nite last nite didnt sleep to good . all I want to do is sleep in my bed on my side, maybe tonites the nite.I feel quite good today hey no burping yet and its lunch time...yippeee. Darren and I had a D&M last nite it was great to talk about certain things I have always hated to mention, but it was like a burden taken away from me. Today i looked in the mirror and i have lost weight off my face , I never thought i would ever see my face changing or any part of me for that matter. Its all good from here on. I can feel it...:Banane10: my diet now consists of skim milk, yoghurt, ice cream low fat of course, frozen yoghurt, tomato soup, asparagus soup, oj, custard and puree apple and water of course.:hungry:
jodie07

jodie07

1
 

one week gone

One week gone....Im feeling really good, still have a little pain but starting to feel a bit hungry now. I know now why I have had this done ..I want to be healthy and fit and not to be fat anymore. hard to believe I was once 180kgs and being on optifast I then got down to 160 kgs. Dont know what I am now Im just excited to see the new me happening. After all my years of growing up with eating disorders and years of counselling I can honestly say for the first time in my life I am not worried about food and my weight. I know now I am on the right path for happiness...ohh I am happy with my life..Darren and the kids are great I love them with all my heart. I mean happy to go out in public and to socialise with out worrying what people are going to say. To hell with them...:nervous
jodie07

jodie07

1
 

Day 4

Day 4......Had to go the doctors today to get something for the nausea.:sick But Im still keeping everything down so Im happy. Feeling better as the days go on...I have fat feet from fluid the doctor said it was from surgery and resting so Im up on my feet a bit more now. :tired
jodie07

jodie07

1
 

Day 3

Day 3 ....Had to wake up early 3 of the boys are going off to camp so this means peace...yippee. Still keeping my fluids down I am so glad I havent had vomiting. But hey Im sick of running to the loo all the time. had tomato soup it was good...Mum made me pumpkin soup enough to last a few days so thats good I dont have to cook...feeling not bad...:notagree
jodie07

jodie07

1
 

Day 2

Day 2....I had a numb bum I had to get up and move as I dont want clots. Very sore today but I have some custard and puree apple today and it was good to have something to take the nausea away for a little bit anyway. Very sick and sorry for myself , wondering if I had done the right thing or not. Darren has been great very suppportive and understanding. Still very emotional.
jodie07

jodie07

1
 

day 1

Day 1.... woke up at 6am and had my blood pressure taken and given my meds to take. Darren arrived at about 7am to see how I was and to take me home as everyone gets kicked out of the ward by 10 am. I went and had a wash as i couldnt have a shower because the nurse was to busy to stay and help. i was feeling not to bad considering what I had been through. All I wanted to do is to get home except I had a 5 hour drive ahead of me.I had about 50 mls of pineapple juice before I left and that stayed down ok. Had only water on the way home and feeling very sick in the tummy. Arrived home and the kids were very excited to see me but I just couldnt talk ..not feeling to good. I went and had a sleep in the recliner chair. I was a bit emotional this night. Still feeling sick but no vomiting as yet...thank goodness...:cry
jodie07

jodie07

1
 

becoming a bandit

Banded friday 23 feb 2007...I was first in surgery at about 815 am, cant remember much. Darren came in a few times to see me but to sleepy. The nurse made me stay awake at about 630 pm .Felt to sick for conversation. Woke up at midnight thinking it must be morning what a long night I was feeling so hot and sick.:notagree
jodie07

jodie07

1
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